Hiya Admiral. I know it's been a while since I updated. Now that we're back in hyperspace, we've settled into a routine. Even I've started taking a regular watch on the bridge and around the ship, though I'm always with someone so they can make sure I don't mess anything up.. Val is continuing to train me. Sometimes, I feel like I can't go on but, I don't know, somehow I do.

I'm feeling better and worse than I ever have in my life. I'm stronger and more fit but I'm also more tired and sore. Just as I reach a new level, Val throws twice as much at me. He tells me it's to keep me striving for something higher and to keep me humble. I'm still amazed that Val does as much as me and still trains me at the same time. He tells me it's just a 'light' workout to keep him in shape, too. I wonder what a heavy workout is for him.

Well, my watch is coming up and I still have to shower and get something to eat. I'll talk to you later.

End Log: 78135. 179.21:05

Open Log: 78135.186.13:22

Hey Admiral. I discovered something about an hour ago. I'm the only one who can make me a Jedi. I know it sounds pretty straight forward but it isn't. This whole time, I've been working my butt off for Val. I want to be a Jedi. He's the person to can train me. So, I can't not do what he says, right?

Wrong.

It was after Val got through my defenses, yet again, and smacked me with the Bo stick, leaving a nasty bruise on my arm. I whined to him; I was tired and couldn't I have a break? We've been training for over 14 days straight and when can I have a rest? I know. I was tired, cranky. Things just weren't right in my head.

To my surprise, he lowered his Bo stick and asked, "You want to stop?" I said "Yes," expecting him to drive me even harder but... he didn't. He just said... "OK." Then, he put his Bo stick down and began to towel off. I was really confused. I asked, "Just like that?"

He turned to me and said, "Yes. Just like that. What did you expect? I can't force you to live up to your potential. All I can do is guide you in the best way I know how. If you don't want to learn, to train, I won't force you." Yeah. I was really surprised. "You aren't mad?" I asked.

"Mad?" He asked and seemed quizzical. "No. Why should I be mad? You aren't doing for me. You're doing this for you.... right?" I didn't answer him because I really didn't have an answer. Then, he said, "I am a little disappointed, I will admit. But perhaps I've been working you harder than you can handle." Then, he told me. "Let me know when you're ready to take up training again." And he walked away. Just walked out, leaving me there alone.

It was the worst I've felt in days. I was so upset that I had disappointed him. I was mad at him for saying that I couldn't handle his training. Mad at myself for not being able to take what he's dished out and for whining. But... over all... it was the hardest thing to realize that he wasn't going to force me to do anything... to become a Jedi. I have to do it for me and not him. It's all my choice.

I tried to meditate on it, but that wasn't working. So, I decided to unload on you. Let you know what's happened. I feel better now. And I still want to become a Jedi. I will become one... But first, I think I owe Val an apology. Then, I'll see if he'll agree to continue training me again.

End Log: 78135. 186.13:30

Open Log: 78135.192.23:54

Hiya Admiral! I'm so tired, I'm delirious! But, I'm happy, too. Ever since that little discovery that I'm the only one who can make me a Jedi, I've thrown myself into it. Even more than before. I see the rest of the crew when I'm eating or on watch and they treat me like one of them. Like I'm just part of the crew. I kinda miss the pampering but... I really feel like I belong. People tell me what they really think. For the first time, I'm 'one of the guys.'

It doesn't feel like I thought it would. I don't feel common. I feel... I don't know, like a real person. I guess. *sigh* I don't know. I'm not sure how to put my thoughts into words. Ah, well. Guess it doesn't matter. I need some sleep. 06:30 comes way early. Night!

End Log: 78135. 192.00:02

Open Log: 78135.198.08:54

Hey Admiral. I've been in the medical bay for about 12 hours now... I think. I'm not sure. Let me start from the beginning.

Yesterday, we were forced out of hyperspace because, somehow, we had lost a good 4% of the astrogation charts and dropped out because of the planet we came too near. It was Doret V on the edge of the Kathal Sector. We're only about seven days from Ord Mantavi. Unfortunately, Doret V is a class four Imperial Starport. Fortunately, Meric had the most wonderfully forged papers up his sleeve.

I have to say that I completely wonked out. All I could see was 'civilization' and a bath and shops and all of those things I had left behind so long ago. Val, Yahnna and I headed out. Apparently, Val was thinking that since there might be a traitor on board, we needed to get new papers. That the ships' IDs might be compromised.

I said that I'd look into the Senator of this sector. Yahnna said that she'd look into the underworld of this planet. I'm not sure what Val was going to do. Since I was going to go see the Senator, I had to look the part. So, I went shopping. I got a new black jumpsuit for space travel and a nice new dress.

But... I don't know. When I had it on: the dress and the make up and had my hair done... It was weird. Like I was looking at a picture and not me. And shopping wasn't as fun as I remembered it to be. My hair kept getting in my face... Also, I don't remember heels hurting my feet so much. I couldn't keep my balance in the way that I wanted to. It was like I was deliberately throwing my balance off in those things.

Have I really change so much?

In any case, when I went through the proper channels to see the Senator... I was arrested. Can you believe it? They treated me, Senator of Amador and Duke's daughter like a common criminal... which... I guess, now that I think about it, from their point of view... since I work for the rebellion and am training to become a Jedi... I am.

They threw me in a cell for hours and hours. I put Val's meditation training to good use. I heard that they were calling the Station Commander, who was on patrol in his Star Destroyer, the Relentless, to return to question me. The Relentless is the same Star Destroyer that almost caught us at Paranoth.

This proves it for sure... There is a spy on aboard. One of the Imperial officer started to interrogate me. I don't think I gave anything away. I hope not. I'm not sure, though. I was drugged to the gills. I don't know what was in those drugs but I vaguely remember Yahnna bursting in after something rocked the planet. She was 10 feet tall. And Dev looked like a Mon Calmari. Yahnna, Dev, Meric and Maire were the ones who saved me. That I remember... I'll have to thank them for it.

I hear from C-13 that R2-A2 freaked when he discovered that I had been arrested. He alerted everyone else. I also heard that Val was ready to take on the whole spaceport to get me back. It was nice to know that they cared enough about me to fight for me. I still hurt some. Those storm troopers weren't nice.

Oh, yeah. Note to self: If you see storm troopers... RUN!

I'm really disturbed at the way the treated me. I'm a criminal in the Empire now. I wonder if they've gone after my family at home. I hope not. But there's no way for me to know or to check without possibly endangering my family.

*sigh* As I look at that beautiful dress... I see... expensive silk and good quality. Handmade and created just for me. But I also see something that isn't me anymore. Something that I can't be. I can't be the Senator from Amador, daughter to Duke Jules LiCidan of the Sluis Sector. It's too dangerous for me and for them. My reputation and ID have been compromised by someone... somehow.

But... if I'm not the Senator... and I'm not my father's daughter anymore... Who am I?

End Log: 78135. 198.09:16

(c) 1999 - Eden Blackthorn