September 1998

Two Down, One to Go

*TRIUMPHANT HORNS BLOWING* *MUCH FAN FAIR AND CONFETTI THROWING*

As of 20:00 hours, August 31st, I sent off my last car payment to LaSalle NW National Bank. My car is really mine! ALL MINE! MINE! MINE! And thus, Milestone Two of my "Become Debt Free Goal" has been met. I'm right on schedule.

In 1995, I was working for 3DO and literally, I was making less than half of what I'm making now. I have had to save and skrimp and sweat to make it to where I am now. And it's not over yet. This is only the second of three milestones:

Busy Weekend Ahead

Not much of interest has been happening lately. Mostly, I've been writing like a fiend on my Star Wars stuff and working like a dog at work. I've finished the first two parts of my Star Wars prequel, am 2/3rd done with the third and finally wrote up that Star Wars dream I had, called "Dark Dreams" - Duvessa dreams of a dark future where an old enemy has returned to take his revenge. Yep. It's a dream within a dream. I do dream in character. I'll post the Star Wars prequel after the long weekend.

Speaking of Long weekends, my weekend starts tonight with a Duran Duran concert. I'm going to go see it with Johanna. Then, Friday, which I have taken off, I'll be going to "ConQuest until Sunday. It's small to middling gaming convention. I haven't been to one in a while, so I thought I should visit and enjoy.

So, I won't be updating my journal for a couple of days. Not until next Monday. *Maybe* a late one on Sunday. It depends on when I get home, how I feel, etc...

Have a great weekend!!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

*nada*

*nada*

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Even Geekier Than I Thought

Well, I've been gone for several days being way way too busy but having lots of fun at it. Here's a catch up:

Thursday Night:.
I went to the Duran Duran concert. I haven't been to a concert in a long time. Like 8 years. I forgot what it was like. The concert itself was pretty darned good. Simon did kill his cordless mic during the first song and kill a second mic during the second song. After that, it was cool. (Though, the poor tech crew was *SCRAMBLING* to save their lives. Simon Le Bon is staring to show his age but his voice sounds pretty good to me. Took me down memory lane a couple of times.

However... (and you knew this was coming) I was reintroduced to the wonderful world of "normal" people and mob dynamics. You know, those people who can't dance, have no rhythm, have no sense of personal boundries and such. One girl in front of us kept screaming: TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF!! And YOU'RE THE COOLEST PERSON HERE!! I wanted to belt her. She was also one of three (count 'em 3) people who held up lighters during most of the concert. Fortunately, she calmed down after she started smoking her marijuana.

Still, it was a good concert. I'm glad Johanna invited me along.

Friday:.
Spent the night at Alex and Johanna's place. Johanna headed to work and I took me and Alex to the Con. We arrived early to get a *good* parking space (which I kept all weekend) and discovered we were too early to check in. So, we had lunch, met up with some old friends we hadn't seen in a long while and hugn out until we got our rooms. We really didn't do much the first day of the Con. Just visited with people who knew.

At dinner, I discovered that I was now considered an OFOG: An Old Fart Of Gaming. As of September 1999, I had been gaming for 10 years straight. Alex was now considered and OFOG Master. You reach "master" level once you've been gaming for 20 years straight.

Saturday:.
Early breakfast (too early for my taste) with friends, then wandering through the Dealer's room. I actually bought some dice - 10 sided dice for my College game (I can hear Greg fainting now) and a block of 6 sided dice for my Star Wars game. Their cool - called "Ninja" dice because they are gray and black. Later in the day, at the flea market, I picked up two Fading Suns books for just in case Dale and Curt actually do run that Fading Suns LARP. I'm pretty happy. I kept all of my purchases to just under $20.

Alex and I got into an AD&D game together. I discovered that I didn't have a copy of Elea and neither did Alex. *sigh* I've finally decided that I really, really need to create a Character binder that has all my current and old favorite characters. I have an actual need for this. Yep. I really am geekier than I thought. I ended up making a new character that I'll bring into Bob's AD&D game (once we get back to it). She's a pretty cool thief named: Audra Nightbird. It was a fun adventure, deadly though. Alex's character died twice and I died (almost - not quite dead-dead) once.

That night, we decided on the Star Wars campaign. We have a new player. He's playing an Ambassadorial Mon Calmari. This game, called "Busted," was a lesson in getting Duvessa's ass handed to her on a platter. Mostly because I was playing in character. Jenn knew when things were going wrong. It's one of the few times I had a serious arguement with myself and a character. But, I had to play it the way the character would.

*** Duvessa hands over her ID to see the Senator. The computer making disturbing beeping noises.

JENN: Oh, hell. You better get out of there.
DUVESSA: Huh? Why? I'm a Senator. I've done nothing wrong. I want to see the Senator of this system.
JENN: Alex has that look, you better leave.
DUVESSA: *hmph* No. This is OK.

*** Imperial official in black comes down the stairs.

JENN: Oh shit. C'mon, leave! That's not normal!
DUVESSA: Oh, right, an Imperial officer on Imperial port in the main governmental office isn't normal?

*** Followed by four stormtroopers.

JENN: And stormtroopers are normal???
DUVESSA: Oh... um... well... I...

STORMTROOPER: Duvessa LiCidan, you're under arrest.

DUVESSA: Oh, shit!
JENN: Told you so.

Even though Duvessa ended up in some serious trouble, it was actually a pretty valuable lesson. We definitely know for sure that there is still a spy on board. We know that the PC's IDs have been compromised. It's showed Duvessa that she's changed a lot in the last two months training with Val.

Sunday:.
Alex and Johanna and EricL and I had breakfast. Fairly soon after that, we checked out, wandered the Con and then left about 1pm. I was happy to do so. I wanted to get home, write, check email and that sort of thing. I ended up taking a nap and having aWEIRD dream that has some serious writing potentional:

All Aboard - In a world gone mad, I must seek out the only important thing left in it, while dodging the sinister Darkman and his henchmen, the Invincibles as they seek to capture me.

Also, I coded up the Star Wars story I've been working on: Shades of Innocence (Prequel)

Only one more to go in the series. And I have to write up the adventure from this weekend.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

For the Love of Parents

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that Not So Innocent Questions was published in Avatars, Another Hope - the Ezine for Star Wars fanfic. You should check it out. There are some interesting stories there.

I had lunch with my Mom yesterday. It was a good day. We had lunch at Red Lobster and indulged... then Mom raided my books. And then, she decided that she wanted to go see The Phantom Menace. I wasn't going to complain. Mom really liked the movie. She said that she finally had something to talk about around the water cooler.

There was only one minor thing that marred the visit. Donna and Mom were talking about Mom trying to sell the house and they haven't gotten -any- offers on it, yet. Not even a ridiculous one. Donna asked if Mom had a theory as to why. Mom nodded and said yes, then looked at me and said, "Please don't be offended by this." I knew I was in trouble then.

Basically, Mom and Dad have put the selling of the house 'into God's hands.' And since there hasn't been even one offer in six months, it's obvious that their work here is not done. Mom then looked significantly at me.

To her credit, Donna said, "Jennifer seems pretty well put together to me."

That pleased me... but... darn it! It infuriates me that not only have my parents decided it's 'God's Will' that the house hasn't sold but it's because they still have work to do with me. (i.e.: Convert me to their way of thinking.) *sigh* Some days, it's amazing that I still talk to my parents. I guess I love them too much.

I finished the next adventure of Duvessa in the Star Wars campaign. It's called "Busted " and is more about Duvessa's training and then her capture by Imperials and then her rescue.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: True friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

Tension Rising

Oh, boy. Life is not fun at work right now. Two of my department are about to get the "shape up or ship out" talk from HR and the upper management. And one male of the department had the "no more lewd/adult/naughty jokes" talk because 'a female in the department' reported it to HR, saying she was uncomfortable with it. *sigh* It makes no sense since all of us have been joking around for as long as I've been there. Hell, until now, the unofficial QA motto was "Sexual Harassment won't be tolerated, but it will be graded." Until now.

Also, yesterday morning was nothing but a comedy of errors - from me discovering that I had put on my pants backwards when I got to work, to dealing with having my computer rebooted and thus killing the CQ license server to suddenly having my personal website considered to be pornography by the internal web filter - and a myriad of other small annoyances that grew and grew and grew until it became one HUGE problem. I was ready to leave within two hours of me getting there, I was ready to head home again.

I finished Not So Innocent Orders and posted it. That brings you right up to the beginning of The Iridium Gambit. It's nice to have all of my Star Wars stories done... for the moment... until Friday. *grin* So now, I'm vaguely considering figuring out a story or series of stories around All Aboard! Of course, I should be working on Swan Sottall but I don't feel inspired.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

Storm Breaks

I walked out of my office at 5:30pm last night and I was stunned by how dark it was. I even looked at my watch to see what time it was. Turns out, a storm had rolled in. An unusual storm for the Bay Area - lightening filled the sky in front of me, making me grin wide. A real thunder and lightening storm! It entertained me all the way home and I listened to it rumble throughout the evening. We so rarely get to see lightening. It was a real treat.

I spent most of the evening pondering "All Aboard." I'm really seriously considering writing a story, or series of stories, based on the dream. Even my Mom was interested in it, wanting to know if I was going to write it up. It will be the first non-RPG related writing I've done in a long while.

I wandered through the web, seeking pictures for the people in the story and I designed a page for the story. Though, one of the biggest problems I'm having right now is the Title. "All Aboard" might be OK for the dream but it just doesn't seem to fit the storyline I'm creating in my head. Any suggestions would be much appreciative.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Calm After The Storm

Did the beauty thing and then headed into work for my 1 on 1 meeting with my boss. He is in a much better mood now and we talked about a lot of things that needed to be talked about. Fortunately, I'm doing very well in my job - and even he admits that I'm doing a LOT that I wasn't originally hired for. He likes the way I've 'taken ownership' of my duties, even though I don't know what I'm doing half the time. We talked about some of my insecurities in dealing with some of my duties and he's already told me to find the training that I need and he'll sign off on it. I'm feeling better about things in general again. This is a good thing. Though, I don't think the QA Department is out from under the microscope, yet.

Got to spend most of yesterday hearing about the Lightening and Thunder storm that rooted itself in the Bay area for a good 18 hours. Heck, it was -still- rumbling yesterday morning. I thought it was so cool. This is the first time I've ever seen -pink- lightening. Neato-keen! Apparently, we haven't had a (mostly) dry thunderstorm in 'almost 20 years' in this area. It was well worth being the topic of conversation.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

Back off, Jedi-Girl!

Today promises to be a nice day for me. Donna and Scott are both gone, doing who knows what and should not be back until tomorrow. I plan to just clean my den for the Bedlam's Rest LARP tomorrow, wash clothes and write. I have two things to write on:

Star Wars - Ord Montavi, Part 1. Last night's episode. It was pretty good one. We've discovered the spy and it was the LAST 'person' I thought it would be. (Though, at the beginning, that was one of my first choices. Gotta start listening to my gut instincts more.)

Oh, and speaking of Star Wars, Johanna and I had an short but extremely amusing conversation via email yesterday. She was bored and I was trapped with 4.5 hours of meetings. *ugh*

JOHANNA: Oh! Can't we have an NPC like this in the Star Wars game? (URL) Preferably a smuggler looking for a co-pilot?

ME: *looks at URL. It's Pierce Brosnan from The Thomas Crown Affair.* Oh yeah! I'd love an NPC like that!

JOHANNA: Back off, Jedi-Girl! I saw him first! Don't you have some meditation or something to do?

The 'Back off, Jedi-Girl' just struck me as extremely funny. I couldn't help but laugh out loud, causing quizzical looks from my co-workers as we got ready for our final meeting of the day. It kept me going the whole meeting. I kept wondering how Duvessa would take it if Yahnna actually -did- say that to her in character. I think it would stun her into silence and then make her smile.

The next thing I'm going to work on this weekend is Though Raphael's Ring. This is the over all title of the series of short stories I'm now writing based on my dream, All Aboard. I decided on Though Raphael's Ring for a couple of reasons: Raphael is the Archangel that has special charge of protecting the young and, the innocent, and travelers. It fits very well with the theme of the story. Plus, there are other reasons which you will see if you read the story once I'm done.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

First Person, Narrative... I think.

Just as promised, I wrote up my Star Wars adventure: Ord Mantavi, Part One. It was a lot of fun. I like delving into Duvessa's thoughts. You can see her struggling with the wild emotions of being 18 and trying to adhere to the Jedi code of always keeping her emotions in check. As you'll read, she does have trouble with it at times. But, slowly you can see her evolving. I like that.

I wrote on Through Raphael's Ring, too. Though, I didn't get as far along as I wanted. Only wrote another page in it. It very different crafting this non RPG related story. Even if it is based on a dream, I am actually crafting it, the world(s) and the characters.

Unlike Star Wars, I'm not just doing a summary of what's happened. I have to keep in mind the rest of the story and the fact that I'm writing from the third person Universal. I've been mostly writing in the first person, Narrative. For me, the first person, Narrative is much easier to write in because I am usually identifying with the main character's point of view. Third person Universal, you have to add in everyone's emotions, thoughts and such.

Hmmm. Now that I think of it, I think I have it wrong... currently, Through Raphael's Ring is first person Universal? The story is told from the point of view of someone standing behind Lynn and telling what they see? No. That's not right. You get Lynn's thoughts and later in the story, you'll have scenes that don't in involve Lynn at all.

Now I'm confused. Darn. I really need to take that creative writing class... or pick up a book on this stuff.

Last night, I played in Rob's Concordia Alliance 2005 Mage game. I play Cathena, a hermetic mage. Until now, it's been really pretty chaotic with way too many players. But now, it has settled down with a more core group of players. And we've gotten past the awkward setup stage of the game. We play about once every 4-6 weeks. Next time, we are Traveling to the Center of the Earth. *smile* It promises to be a campy fun time.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.

Bedlam

Last night's Bedlam's Rest game was a beautiful example of genuine chaos and entropy. I did not sit down the entire night, yet, I have no real clear recollection of what actually happened. Well, I remember when I spend some time seriously concentrating on it. I just do not understand those people who have 'nothing to do' at LARPs.

Things I did/accomplished/was pleased to see accomplished/noted:

• Didn't make TOO much of a fool of myself in front of the Appearance 6, Toreador Primogen from San Francisco.
• Handed off Myrrh to Corrianna to train.
• Heard that I had done just enough whispering to get the Sheriff fired. Too bad he was killed first.
• Did what I could to mend the schism between the Ventrue and Toreador clans.

Things I did/accomplished/was not pleased to see accomplished/noted:

• The mage sent to court to recover some item was killed.
• The mechaniod sent to court to recover some item was captured and then escaped.
• I did make a fool of myself in front of the Appearance -9- "being" (and who wouldn't?).

And, of course, the bloody Giovanni trying to slowly drive poor Elizabeth insane. Even more so than she already is.

Went to bed with a queasy tummy. I've been flirting with nausea for the past two days. This morning, it seems to be worse than last night when I had to cut the evening short. I was going to carpool with Casey this morning but every time I make a move in that direction - standing, getting dressed, sitting, blinking.... my stomach gives a dangerous lurch. I've finally had to just give up, call in sick and work on my architecture document at home.

Between my nausea and the bug bites that have appeared all over my legs that itch like crazy, I'm feeling very uncomfortable.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

Me too! Me too!

Fun gaming link of the day: Powergaming 101. (Blame it on Johanna. She sent it to me.)

Speaking of my dear and good friend Johanna... she's finally admited that she's EEEEEVIL. Here I am, trying so hard to be good and to save money to get out of debt and what does she do? Show me cool stuff on eBay: Pretty Collar

Must... not.... bid....

Must... not.... buy....

Must... keep.... control....

Oh, just this once...

*BID*

See. I told you she was evil.

So, there I was, wandering through my referrals on sitemeter and a particular URL I didn't recognize began to pop up. "Hmmm. What's this?" I decided to go surfing in that direction and discovered: Friends and Links. "What this? I'm linked to someone I don't know? Way cool! So, I go exploring the site and discover: Me too! Me too! I love this journal! Kellylyn is funny, good at expressing herself, loves Babylon 5, is a gamer and likes Dilbert. What's not to like?

So, I meander through her journal and discovered on September 12th, Kelly had been reading about the Star Wars game from Johanna's (Yahnna's) point of view, while her friend Matt of Random Scribbles had been reading about the Star Wars game from my (Duvessa's) point of view and neither of them knew that they were reading about the same game! Talk about odd connections.

I found this all highly amusing and immediately pointed Johanna at these pages. She and I both had a good giggle over the Star Wars thing.

So, of course, I decided to email Kelly and say hello. She immediately emailed me back doing the same sort of *happy dance* I do when something cool happens.

And, as expected, I've revamped my "Journals I Read" page.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Bittersweet Memories

It was June 6th, 1987, the last day of school of my sophomore year. I was sixteen years old. Chaos reigned despite the efforts of the semi-vigilant teachers. The students were filled with laughter and mischief. The main goal of the day: soak your intended target without getting caught.

I stood in the lunchroom, holding my little carton of milk, subtly watching the teachers who were slowly going insane and quietly giving up their control of the rowdy students. I eyed my intended target. Brett Michaels. He was one of the cutest guys in school and smart, too. No one had managed to soak him - yet.

Walking over, his friends eyed me suspiciously for a moment and then dismissed me. I was that shy bookworm they had always known. I was just starting to bloom with a little help from a friend. They knew me. I was harmless.

I leaned over Brett and whispered in his ear. "I have a message for you."

He glanced at me and smiled. "What's that?"

"This..." I whispered, dumping the water from my milk carton over his shoulder, down his front and into his lap. "Gotcha." The shocked looked on his face was worth everything in the world at that moment. There was a collective gasp from his friends.

"I don't believe it." He murmured, eyeing the circling teachers. "You actually did it." Then, he smiled broadly and my heart fluttered. He shook his head and laughed. "Oh, girl... you're in for it now."

"Only if you catch me." I whispered, a gleam in my eyes.

"We'll see." He nodded, grinning wide, his eyes answering the challenge.

At that moment, my life changed. Suddenly, I was accepted. The rest of his friends chortled and began to tease Brett on how good I had gotten him. For the rest of the day, I was one of the main targets of the school. I was constantly soaked, but it felt so good to be a part of the fun.

It was after school, as I left with Brenda, when Brett finally retaliated. Suddenly there were strong arms around me, squeezing and popping a water balloon against my already wet front. I squeaked in surprise and tired to turn around but the arms would not let me go. I stilled and looked up.

Brett Michaels held me close in his arms.

We looked at each other for a long moment and then he murmured "Gotcha." I blushed and laughed and squirmed free, feeling all fluttery inside. He looked at me and Brenda. "You're gonna be at the Quarry tonight, right?"

I didn't know what he was talking about.

Brenda nodded. "Wouldn't miss it." She dragged me away... Brett smiled as he watched us go. I know. I kept looking over my shoulder at him.

The Quarry was where everyone went to party. I had never been there. Brenda and I had dressed up a bit but not too much. When we first arrived, I got some funny looks as others greeted Brenda. It wasn't until Brett called my name from across the Quarry and came over to bring me and Brenda to his group that it was alright for me to be there.

It was a night to remember for the rest of my life. I didn't do anything more that just hang out with Brett, Brenda and their friends. Brett had me sitting next to him, sipping from his beer. A couple of times, Brett and I wandered away to be alone... just to talk about everything and nothing. That was enough.

We stayed out all night. Just before the sun rose, in that blue twilight time, Brenda told me we had to go. I nodded. Brett and I stood so close to each other, not saying anything. Just looking and feeling and holding hands. Finally, he took a breath and asked, "Will you remember me?"

I blinked, realized that he did know and nodded. "Always." I whispered.

He smiled, with a hint of sadness. "Good." He touched my face.

I knew he wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss him, too. The world stopped for us. For just that one instant. Then, Brenda started her car. The sound of it broke the moment and reminded us of reality.

That was when I slipped my hands from his and stepped back. There was nothing more to say. I looked back at him a couple of times as I went to Brenda's car. He waved once as we pulled away, watching us go. I know. I kept looking over my shoulder at him.

We arrived back at Brenda's house just in time. I showered, packed my things and waited. My Mom drove up and got my bags. I hugged Brenda a long time. Then, I got in the car and Mom drove away.

This was the day I moved from Pennsylvania to California. I cried the whole trip there. On the very last day of school... on the very last day of being in Pennsylvania... I finally understood what it meant to belong.

Yes, Brett Michaels, after all this time I still remember you.

Guess you're wondering where that bittersweet memory came from. Oddly enough, a team building exercise at work. It was a water balloon fight with our manager and his boss as the main targets. Still, I did get wet enough to be slightly uncomfortable as I sat through our meeting and then back at my desk.

Sitting there in wet clothing reminded me of that day, so long ago. One moment I was writing an email. The next, I was lost to the memory. It was so vivid and fresh in my mind. Like it had happened just last week instead of twelve years ago. I can still remember his face.... dark hair and eyes. He was trying to grow a mustache. I remember the twilight morning sky. I can still see him standing there, in the middle of the gravel road. Alone, like the hero in a lost love story, as he watched Brenda's car drive away.

I don't know what happened to him. I think I remember hearing vague rumblings of him getting married and having a child. I don't remember who with. Somehow, I don't think it's important to know what happened to him. Somehow, the memory of that day and night are much more precious to me.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Restless Pondering

Well, it's official. Not only am I doing that Project from August 28th that is bypassing our policy but it's my number one priority. However, at this time, I'm not longer tweaked that my Boss didn't back me up on upholding the policy. Actually, I'm not unhappy about it anymore. Fairly ambivalent feeling. Not only is it convenient for me, my Boss did come back to me about it and confess up that he did mess up.

I did tell him, though, if this was to be my highest priority, it would bump my last two Key Results from this Quarter into next Quarter and I would have to redo my Performance Plan because of it. He told me that was fine and to go ahead. In a way, I'm relieved. I didn't think I was going to be able to complete either task (a programming job and an architecture document) on time. Now, I have a reprieve until next Quarter. Maybe, by that time, I'll have a better handle on how to deal with CQ.

Still, I've been thinking about my job a lot lately. This is the first place where I have liked the people, place and benefits more than I've liked the job. Until now, the job itself was what kept me with a particular company. Now, I love where and who I work for but I hate what I'm doing. OK. Hate is too strong of a word. I just don't like it. I feel constantly behind and stupid. Even if I'm finally starting to maybe catch up on how to administer CC.

It just seems like every time I turn around, there is one more thing that has broken that I just don't know how to fix without going for help. And lots of time, even when I do go for help, the person who is to help me doesn't know/understand the situation. When they can't help, they apologize but move on... leaving me still stuck. The buck stops with me and I just don't know what to do.

I'm finding myself longing for the days of QAing video games or even going back to Medical QA testing at Ventritex. I ponder seeking a job as QA Manager or Supervisor at Microprose or SEGA or EA. I'm even seriously considering talking to some of the people at Johanna's work place on what it would take to QA or QA manage in the Web industry and start working on those classes. I'm figuring classes like Java, Java script, more Perl or CGI scripting.

You see, once I break that one year mark and vest my first quarter of stock in S-S, I'll be sitting pretty. My one year mark at S-S falls one day before I make my last student loan payment and I become debt free. In essence, after the first of the new year, I could seek out a fun job that might pay less than what I'm currently getting but one that would be a lot more fun than the one I have now.

Yet, I'm feeling guilty for having these thoughts at all. I feel like I'm betraying the spirit of my work place.

But, then I wonder about feeling stuck in a job I don't like. And wonder if I shouldn't be doing something about that.

*sigh* I don't know what to do. I do know that I'm not really going to worry about it until after the new year.

*Hmmm* Looks like AT&T cable is having a problem. I can't get online, nor can I get any TV channels. Interesting. Perhaps this is an unsubtle way to say: Work on Through Raphael's Ring.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Fun Discoveries

Late last night, as I was lying in bed, pondering things abstractly, I found myself thinking about Johanna's journal and how she used to throw the I-Ching every morning. I miss that about her journal. Of course, being the narcissistic woman that I am, I started thinking about my own journal. I decided that I should modify my "Thought for the Day" to something like "The Tarot Card of the Day," using the Rider-Waite Tarot deck. I would draw one Tarot card each morning and give the couplet I had written for it and maybe some personal thoughts on it.

Then, of course, I started pondering where I would get the pictures for each of the Rider-Waite Tarot deck and wondering if I would have to have separate pictures for those that were Reversed or was there an HTML tag that would let me rotate a picture 180 degrees. I also wondered when I would start this.

So, imagine my pleasure/surprise when I wandered from Katherine's Journal (Moonlight and Shadows) this morning to Lynda's Journal (The Fools Journal) and discovered that she had some (all?) of the pictures of the exact Tarot cards I was looking for. (Odd coincidences like this happen to me all the time.) I immediately emailed Lynda and asked where she got them.

I've been doing some serious indulging of my favorite band of the 1980's: Survivor. Yes, they are the band who did "Eye of the Tiger," but I didn't like them that much until after they got their lead singer: Jim Jamison. I have their tapes: "Vital Signs," "When Seconds Count" and "Too Hot to Sleep." I listened to them in the car this morning, bopping along, happy as a clam and decided... I must have these on CD! Moral Imperative! So, I wander into work and look up Survivor and discover they have their own website! I also discovered that Jim left the band in 1989 and the old singer, Dave Bickler, returned. I strongly favor Jim over Dave but that's just me.

So, now I've ordered these CDs and am looking for the Video Collection.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The biggest sin is not to commit one - Ethan

Trying To Unwind...

Yesterday was a perfect example on how to slowly drive me insane. I've been stressed for a couple of weeks now, especially with work. Yesterday morning, I received a document with information on THE PROJECT that negated half of what I had already done in preparing for the THE PROJECT. Fortunately, it was only a mock up in Excel, so it only took a couple of hours to revamp it. Still, I was pissed that this was not the document I had received in the first place. I thanked the guy who sent it to me and told him wish I had had it sooner. He wanted to know when I had been assigned to the project because that particular document has been around for two weeks.

Two weeks.

And the document that I was basing my work on had been handed to me last Friday.

*deep breaths* *calm* *calm*

Fortunately, I was mostly left alone today. No CC or CQ problems cropped up. I listened to some of the banter in the office but didn't join in. Steph left early because she's more stressed than I am.... leaving me in charge on doing two things.... one of which I promptly screwed up... but was able to fix later.

*sigh*

Nothing majorly bad happened but the whole day, I could feel myself getting more and more tense until I was a spring that had been wound too tight.

This is not a good thing.

So, after work, I headed out to pick up Johanna from the Palo Alto Caltrain station. First thing I have to say is: Alma street is a stealth street. I was supposed to drive on it FOUR times last night and I managed to find it ONCE. Second... Caltrain stations SUCK. They have no parking that I can find. I ended up circling once, getting lost, losing my temper severely and finding my way back - just in time to see Johanna walking out. I, of course, parked in a no parking zone to pick her up. Red Zones be damned!

[Small break in the tirade. Johanna has her own personal 'Gothic Friday' in response to 'Casual Friday.' She was in 5" Mary Jane heels, a long black skirt, a waist cincher and a loose shiney latex-like shirt. *ahem* In short, she looked freaking AWESOME. *stiffle the jealousy*Someday* There. OK. Better now. She just looked really good. It was just such a contrast to my crappy day that I couldn't stop looking at her and smiling.]

OK. So, I had to Zen my way back to my office. I wanted to show Johanna my little cubie and have her meet my boss. Alas, no one was there and something looked like it broken in the Brain. So, I reset it and -fled- before I could get dragged into anything.

From there to dinner and then to the Heather Alexander concert. I really like her music and she always gives GREAT concerts. As she is a folk/bardic singer, Heather's concerts are pretty small. Usually 50-100 people tops. But, since she was from here, everyone knows her, the concerts are relaxed and fun. Heather tells lots of stories inbetween her songs. I warned Johanna that it was an interactive show, that audience participation was encouraged.

Man! What a good concert! It did so much to help me relax. It was just Heather, her guitar and her fiddle. Heather sang a nice mixture of old and new (to me) tunes. During the first half of the concert, Heather sang one song a-ccapella. It was stunning. I literally got tunnel vision, I was so focused on her. Everything else dimmed out and Heather was unnaturally bright to me. It was like I could see her and her aura. It gave me shivers.

The second half of the concert was distinctly more rowdy with old favorites like "The March of Cambreadth" and "Working on a Slaver." The audience singing, stomping or shouting along with Heather. It was such a good concert. Heather mentioned a possible new album coming out sometime in the future but she doesn't know when.

I can't wait until she comes back this way again.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

An Unexpected Tragic Figure

I was chatting with Nick a couple of days ago about Jonas Stratford, Sire and nemesis of my Bedlam's Rest character, Lady Elizabeth Bannister. Off and on, Johanna and I or Johanna and Rob have discussed who might play this character, should Rob decide to throw him into the game, just to stir the pot. As Nick and I were discussing Jonas, a couple of things that I had been pondering about Jonas, came to light:

Jonas Stratford, from his point of view, has a serious sense of tragedy to him.

His only Child has rejected him and returned to his enemy, Celik, to be raised. It's almost like Mask of Zorro but in reverse. It's the bad guy's daughter who has been raised by the good guy and loves the good guy like a father. (Never mind the fact that Jonas stole Elizabeth from Celik in the first place. This isn't something Jonas considers.)

You see, Jonas really does love Elizabeth and wants her to return to his side 'of her own free will,' but he's not above trying to manipulate the circumstances in that respect. The more I think about him, the more complex he becomes. He definitely not like Michael, the Sire of Johanna's character, Patricia. Jonas is more compassionate, feeling, and emotional (for a vampire).

How do you find someone who can play a character that is intense, loving, menacing, sexy and psychotic/determined - all at the same time?

Yesterday, I spent the day at Rich's house playing Sekt Valir. Unfortunately, I got there a little late and ended up having to sit on a hard wooden chair for the whole game. Let me tell you, THAT was uncomfortable. I spent a lot of time standing around because my butt hurt.

The game itself was pretty good. I realized that Rich is an EVIL GM again. So, as pieces of the puzzle came to light, I discovered the piece of the Prophecy that my character, Eris, is destined to fulfill: She is to carry "Guider" the Sword of Wisdom. What's funny about this? Eris is a healer who worships the Goddess of Life, Love, Birth, Harvest and Home. Yep. And now she is destined to wield one of the God Killer swords. I love my GM.

Ah yes... About yesterday and my kvetching about Alma street. Michael of 'Gazing into the Abyss' wrote me with sage words on how to deal with that hellish street:

"Yes, Alma St. around Palo Alto is kind of tricky. For one thing, it *ends* (running into El Camino) just north of University. For another, it runs over University as a bridge and it tricky to get on to that way. Central Expressway and Alma are the same street, so from Mountain View your best bet is to get on Central and just head north."

Thanks, Michael!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The other line always moves faster until you get in it.

Letting Go.

Well, I spent some time revamping my Tarot pages, adding pictures to my Major Arcanum, Cups, Pentacles, Swords and Wands pages. Thanks to Lynda for pointing me where to get them. I think it makes the pages look pretty cool and much more complete.

I also watched "Cruel Intentions" with Sarah Michelle Geller. Holy Toledo, what a movie! It was so vicious, intricate and backbiting that it was hard to remember that these 'kids' where in high school. I wouldn't say that it was a 'good' movie but it did keep my interest for a while.

I found a way to get past my Writer's block in Through Raphael's Ring. I've just made myself a note and moved onto the next scene I can write:

[Conversation between Lynn and Jordan where Lynn tells Jordan her problems, thinking she's crazy and Jordan explains a bit about the Land and offers to help her out.]

This has helped me a lot. I can go back and fill in the conversation later, when I've figured out what I want to say. I have the following scene already playing out in my head.

***later***

Of course, not an hour later, the conversation hit me. I guess I just needed to 'let it go' as Johanna once told me. I actually got a lot done. Wrote a couple of pages on Through Raphael's Ring once I sat down and started writing. I'm really pleased on how the story in starting to shape up.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Preparing for the Future

Well. It's always a surprise when a piece of technology just up and dies on you for no reason with no warning. That's exactly what my phone did. Sometime, between Sunday night and Monday noon, my phone just stopped working. It was rather vexing. I discovered it when my pager went off four times in a row. Twice for my voice mail and twice for direct pages. All of it work. All of which I had to solve from Donna's phone.

So, I wandered out and got myself a new phone. It's got a built in Caller ID thing. I haven't decided if I'm going to get the service or not. We'll see.

I decided to back up my hard drive today. It had been way, way too long. Boy, am I glad that I did.

May 20th back up: 31.4 MB

Sep 20th back up: 140 MB

Guess when I discovered movie trailers and MP3s. That would have been a lot of lost MBs. I should do a back up once a month. Especially since my phone so aptly reminded me that technology has a way of breaking without warning.

I had a talk with Donna about some future chaos I've been thinking of and now am planning for. I decided that since I want to switch my den and my bedroom, I wanted the rooms painted, too. (Yellow is such an ugly color for a bedroom and the ceiling is cracking.) I figure if I'm going to make all these changes, I might as well do it right.

Donna told me, "I'll pay for 2/3rds of it if I don't have to have anything to do with it."

That's a deal I can handle.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

Kill 'Em & Take Their Stuff!

Yesterday had to be one of the worst days I've ever had at S-S. I almost quit. The first thing that happened was me getting to work to deal with many, many emails on CC problems. OK. Fine. Dealt with them one at a time. No problem. Sure. I can do this.

Then, I get Diana over to my cube to help me with CQ programming and I promptly discover that I've lost 2.5 days worth of work. I just couldn't believe it. 11 hours of work - gone. It came up with an error and then crashed the program. I had to start from scratch again. From there, to a CQ Web problem... *sigh* Then, back to my cube to start THE PROJECT all over again.

That's when Jahangir came in and wanted an update.

I told him "Beta, this week. Final, next week." I didn't believe the words as I spoke them but those are my deadlines. I have to have this done then.

He left and I stared at my screen. Steph made the mistake of asking if I was OK. I made the mistake of answering her truthfully. I ended up having to walk around outside until I could get my frustrated tears under control.

I hate this. I really do. I don't care if my boss thinks I have things in hand. I don't. I constantly feel stupid, unprepared and behind. I've never had this problem before. I hate having to depend on Diana for help on the program when it's obvious to me that she doesn't want to be bothered. I hate being "Support." I want to do actual QA work again. I'm good at QA. Give me application, black box, server, compatibility or Title testing any day.

By lunchtime, my mood and attitude became "Kill em and take their stuff" as I struggled with THE PROJECT. I wanted to bite anyone who interrupted me. Especially loud, obnoxious CC users who don't know their head from a hole in the ground! *whine*whine*whine*

I even emailed my old boss at the Medical company where I did Verification back in 1997. I chatted with him. He seems to think they'll need people/contractors around January of 2000. Medical QA is looking better and better. I'm thinking about reaching out to see if I can contact some of my old co-workers from 3DO as well. Or, maybe I'll just try my luck at Netscape or Apple.

Something's going to break soon and I'm hoping it's not me.

I do know it's going to be a very interesting discussion with my boss this afternoon.

On top of the work stress, my personal stress has picked up a bit. A person who hasn't been in my life for sometime emailed me and I'm dealing with that. Mostly it's all internal, trying figure out what they are thinking and what they want from me. I'm not sure who I could really vent to on this.

Oh, yeah. The mailboxes have migrated again. The Black Nominee species seems to be crowding the Red Administratium species into a small area. I think the Black Nominee species was feeling pressured and suddenly got really aggressive on the Red Administratium species. I fear, the Red Administratium species will become an endangered species before too long... or be forced to relocate to another area altogether.

Just another example of "Kill 'em and take their stuff."

One good thing did come of today. I wrote a new poem: 9 1/2 Weeks. (And no, it's not what you think.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.

Self-destructive Behavior.

(Subtitled: You're Fired! Just Kidding.)
(Sub-subtitled: Be Careful What You Wish For.)

I was fired yesterday.

Actually, I suppose it was a mutual understanding of a necessary separation.

In all actuality... I wasn't fired. But it sure felt like it.

Let's start from the beginning.

1:00pm - Akien and I start to have our one on one meeting. I tell him I'm feeling stupid, unskilled and behind. In a word, I'm sucking. He agrees with me (much to my shock) and we talk about it. He tells me that there is no other place for me at S-S. We talk some more. I don't know what to say. There is nothing to say. We end up talking about Severance Packages.

1:30pm - I tell Casey to take me home. He showed me what a true friend he is to me again. He was really upset by all of this. As he said to me: "We are empathetically compatible."

2:30pm - I indulge in some fairly mundane recklessly self-destructive behavior by drinking. (Gee... the last time I was drunk was around May... 15th or so... Johanna's bachelorette party where I and... oh, that's right...) I'm chatting with Johanna online. I've discovered this talent to get totally drunk and still be able to type. She calls me. Yeah. I'm upset.

2:50pm - Casey pops online and tells me to get off the phone. My boss wants to call me.

2:55pm - I'm so fucking confused. My boss called to tell me NO, I'm NOT fired. It was just a discussion of my position and what's going on. (Excuse me? He was talking Severance packages! What am I supposed to think?) A lot of it is because I'm unhappy in my current position. He knows it. I know it. Well. We'll see what Rob has to say about the situation. I do want to make the job less stressful and more tolerable. I'm not sure how. The biggest part is the coding. But Visual Basic is a lot of point and click. And I don't have to do a LOT of coding. It's just been in the last few weeks that things have sucked.

3:45pm - Asked Donna to get me more Amaretto. She doesn't mind. She's the one who drank the first half of the bottle.

4:00pm - My buzz is going away and I just won't have that, darnit. If I'm going to be self-destructive, I'm going to do it right! ... Hmm. Order a pizza, too. I'm still online, chatting away.

5:15pm - Flail about and accidentally soak my keyboard in OJ and Amaretto. The Shift button sticks and I"M STUCK IN ALL CAPS. Then, it stops working all together. Call David about it. He promises me another keyboard.

5:55pm - Greg calls, lets me know he and David are coming over.

6:21pm - Get a new keyboard. Appropriately enough with a RED "PANIC" key where the "ESCAPE" key should be. I love Greg and David. Only the bestest of friends would bring a drunk friend another keyboard and then drag them out to dinner.

8:28pm - Home from Applebees. Sobered up, for the most part. Enough so that the hang over started in. Lots more water. Lots of aspirin.

Only time will tell how this will play out. I'll have to see what the pointy haired VP has to say about the whole situation. He may say "Cut our losses and go." He may say, "Keep her until we find someone better." He may say, "Figure out a way to make this better." I don't know. Apparently he knew nothing about this whole thing until Akien spoke to him yesterday at 5pm.

I'll bet I'm pulled into a meeting with him and Akien sometime today.

I'm still going to be fixing up my Resume and looking for a new job.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

And the Saga Continues...

Akien and I went for a LONG walk yesterday and talked things out. We agreed that yes, my days are numbered but he wanted to make sure that the separation didn't screw me over. In essence, there is no 'bad' guy here. I was hired for a job that promptly went away within 3 months. That's one of the dangers of working with a start up.

So, I got put into a job that I wasn't sure I could do or would like. I stuck it out for 7 months. Just as I decided that this wasn't working out, Akien decided it wasn't working out and that he should let me go.

Akien and I decide to work out a situation that is best for the company and for me. We both want time to look for a new job and to look for someone to replace me. Something to give both sides breathing room. He and I are thinking weeks - months even.

Oh, yeah. That point is a rather important one all of the sudden. S-S is letting me go. Thus, I get a severance package.

Enter HR. (You remember... the person I swore I'd never trust again since I discovered that she lied to me. Still don't trust her.)

She is earning her 'catbert' reputation. First she is of the mind, "once you make the decision to leave a company, you're already gone." She escalated things to NOW. Also, she seemed to be trying to get me to say "I quit." (Which I'm not. I'm not going until they kick me out the door.) So, they wouldn't have to give me a severance package.

Also, She was pissed that Akien and his boss (one of the founding members of this company) dared to mention severance packages to me. "They're not supposed to. It gives false expectations..." says Catbert. I have the feeling that I'm about to be bent over and hard. Oh, yes... and btw, I am NOT allowed to talk to either Akien or Akien's boss about this.

So, of course, I -immediately- told Akien. Who -immediately- told his boss. From HR's attitude, she seems to think that today is my last day. She doesn't want me around to document my job or to help the next person who comes in or to provide a stop gap/front line for CC/CQ issues and thus screwing over me, the QA Department and the IT Department.

Screw her.

I'm going to stick with what Akien tells me. Akien and his boss are on my side in this. They are going to fight for me. (I hope they win.)

I'm not going to know anything until 4pmish today.

So, of course, I revamped my Resume. If you know of any company in the Silicon Valley looking for a High Level, Application, Black box, Compatibility, Server, Product QA Engineer and/or Team Lead, let me know and throw my resume at them.

Thanks.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The Beginning of the End.

So, I went to work yesterday, my tummy doing flip flops as I pulled in. I still had no idea of what was going to happen to me. And, I wouldn't know until 4pm. Knowing HR, she would wait until then, too. Just to 'keep control' of the situation. But, fortunately, there was this little birdy (Steph) who heard from a bigger birdy (Akien) who heard from a much bigger birdy (Akien's boss) that HR had had an unsuccessful meeting with her boss and that the much bigger birdy had had a very successful meeting with HR's boss. But, of course, I hadn't heard anything.

Then, Akien came by, happy as a clam and glowing from his victory over the situation. He told me what my severance package was supposed to be. But, nothing was 'official' until HR told me. Still, it was very nice package. I was pretty surprised.

I was antsy all day. As expected, HR made me wait until 4pm. Actually, longer. She was on the phone at 4pm when she originally told me to call. At 4:30pm, I gave up on the phone and walked to her office where she was chatting on a personal call. (I know. You don't say "Well, Hon, I have someone in my office, I have to go... Yeah. Bye-bye Dear." *mutter*mutter* Now, I'm not going to say that she was on the phone on purpose, just so she wouldn't have to talk to me. But, it was darned convenient. *mutter*mutter*

Funny, what she told me and what I heard around the office were very different. She told me that she fought to give me the severance package that I got and then laid out the terms. Very interesting. The exact terms that Akien's boss and Akien had laid out.... that she had had a cow over. Oh yes, she tried punching a couple of my emotional buttons but I recognized them for what they were. That pissed me off. But, I decided to play that game and give her what she expected. That way, she would not look any closer.

Also, it made me decide that I need an exit interview with the CEO of the company. I have a couple of things I'd just like to say to him. Things that others in the company are reluctant to voice because they will have to deal with HR after I'm gone. (Man, shades of the last time I left a job.)

So. My last official day at S-S is October 8th. Then, I start my severance package. It is nice enough that I have a bit of breathing room to maneuver and find a job that I really want. If I'm good about things, I can really turn this lay off to my advantage.

Still, I'm probably not going to meet my 1 December 1999 Debt Free date because I'm going to be hoarding money like a miser for "just in case" purposes.

Since the Star Wars was cancelled due to Alex having to work WAY too early on Saturday morning, I ended up at Rob and Lisa's, playing Uno with them, DJ and EricL. It was a fun, light evening. A lot of good natured joking and teasing all night. I won 2 hands! It was cool. Then, DJ taught a dice game called "5000." It's a pretty simple game. I won the one game we played.

Even though DJ brought over a drink called "Tequila Rose" that was really good, we didn't want to play any drinking games. None of us wanted to get drunk. I know I didn't. *whew* I had my drunkfest for the next couple of months already. Still, that Tequila Rose - a mixture of Tequila and Strawberry cream (yes, it SOUNDS gross) was really good. Sweet enough for me with a bit of a tequila afterburn. I will have to consider it for the next time I decide to indulge in some reckless behavior.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I've learned that it takes years to build up a solid trust and only one suspicion to destroy it.

It's Back.

It's back. I never thought I'd feel it again. Yet, here it is. Apprehension as I pay my bills. I haven't felt this way in the past year. Once I decided on my course thirteen months ago, every time I sat down to pay my bills, I had a joyful heart and a sense of accomplishment. Each time I sat down, I followed my map to the letter and I took one more step in my journey to become debt free.

But now, suddenly, it feels as if my map has been ripped from me by an uncaring wind. I am SO CLOSE... just two months... just two months after five YEARS of working towards this. Part of me wants to scream in anger. It's not fair! It's just not fair!

Now, my safety net is gone. I could, if I were reckless, continue to pay my bills, as I have been and be 'debt free' by the time my severance package ran out. But, I know that would be stupid. I would have nothing to fall back on. Nothing to live on if I couldn't find a job. And, I already know I have to buy a new computer, as this one belongs to the company. Jeff, the IT Manager (who mimed committing ritual suicide when he discovered I was leaving the company) has told me to take my time in finding a new computer. I can continue to use this one for a while. I'm going to ask him to help me find a suitable new one.

I really dislike this feeling of vulnerability and apprehension. I dislike sitting there and weighing one bill against another and pondering how much I should pay and how much I should hold back. I feel like I've suddenly back slid to five years ago - even though I know my debt is not even 1/4 of what it once was and I own my car outright.

I know, logically, I'm not doing bad at all. I know I can save my money with no problem. I know it... but emotionally, the reptile hind-brain has kicked in and is trying to panic all of the place. "You don't have a job! You don't have a job!" It screams at me. "What if you can't find a new job? How will you live? What will you do?"

The mail just arrived with a package for me from Amazon.com. One of my small splurges from a couple of weeks ago. CDs that I don't -need- but wanted. I winced as I saw the package and thought, "Oh, I shouldn't have bought those." Never mind that I had had a job when I did, with no thoughts of leaving. That little fact no longer matters. Suddenly, my inner parent is scolding my inner child, cautioning that lean times are coming and there will be no more of those kinds of purchases.

I am such a bundle of contradictions. I'm hungry. But part of me is urging me to starve myself. Conserve the food. Winter is coming. The other part of me wants to indulge in all my favorite comfort foods - rich, starchy foods like pasta and bread and sweets. Eat until I'm full with that comfortable feeling. Stuff yourself now so you can survive the coming Winter. My tummy is both queasy and growly at the same time. I have an acid tummy from stress and from hunger. I need to eat. I know I do. I have to be careful, too.

I've -got- to stop stressing like this. These spazz attacks can't be good for me emotionally or physically. I'm wound up tighter that any ten springs ought to be.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Ripples.

You know, it's amazing how much one person's life touches so many others. And how, when there is an upset in one person's life, how much it affects others. People are used to the status quo and when one person's status quo is upset, it has a ripple affect that upsets a number of other people's stability.

Several times, in the past few days, I've heard and seen the surprised/upset reactions of my friends to the news that I have been let go. They are shocked that 'something like that' could happen to 'someone like me.' One person said, "You're the most responsible person I know. I mean, if something like this could happen to you... what about me?"

The fact that my world has been rocked has opened a bunch of my friends' eyes to the fact that their worlds aren't nearly as stable or secure as they think. It's made some of them take a long hard look at their lives and what they were do if the same thing happened to them. In a way, I think it's a good thing. In a way, it makes me sad.

I spent a LOT of Sunday polishing my Resume and starting to electronically plaster it all over the Silicon Valley. I hit Apple, EA, Maxis, HP, Netcom, Netscape and even the great evil: Microsoft. I figure, it can't hurt. There is one Computer company in Fremont called The Learning Company that would be cool to work for. And have a very short commute.

I have no idea if this is going to help me get a job or not but it has helped my mood. I'm -doing- something about the situation. That makes me feel good.

Ack! Some of Scott's friends thought I was Scott's mom Saturday night! *EEKKK* I know it was really late when I got in (3amish) and that I startled them (Mom was at the beach, Scott threw a party, the kids thought they might be in trouble), but dog-gone-it! Scott is only 19. I'm only 28. How could they think I might be Scott's Mom?!

I think I'm going to blame it on the time, the age of the kids, the fact that I startled them and the amount of alcohol they'd been drinking.

*grump*

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

Bold Thoughts, Cautious Moves.

I have been pondering.... (Red Alert!) Pondering something bold. At this stage of the game, I'm actually considering a radical career change. Yep. That's right. A career change.

I was chatting with a friend who is working for Microprose as an artist. We got to talking about my one game concept that I designed some time ago. It made me ponder what I really wanted to do. I want to create. Hasbro has an opening for a Game Designer. I read the description of the job and thought, "I want to do that!! I can do that!" Unfortunately, they want at least three years of experience.

Then, my mind started going... Why couldn't I start over? I'm young enough. I'm almost out of debt. I could afford the drop in pay. So, I'm now starting to look into the possiblity. I already have game concept that has the potential to be as big as Final Fantasy... with sequel opportunities. And with that in hand, 6 years of QA experience and a bit of persistance, perhaps I can convince someone to take me on as a beginning Game Designer.

Of course, I'm not leaping into anything too quickly. *laugh*

I've started making inquiries here and there to see what it would take to get a game design concept looked at and to see if I could have a chat with a real live game designer. We will see what comes of it.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: One person will average seven different careers in their lifetime.

Queasy Feelings & Master Plans.

My queasy tummy from Monday continued on and increased over Tuesday. To the point that I was running to the bathroom every few minutes because I thought I was going to throw up. Thankfully, I didn't. But it was still unpleasant. I decided to work at home, finishing up documentation on my job. I know I still have to finish up the HW Forms this week. At least the HW guys liked the design.

Around lunchtime, my tummy was feeling better. So, I took my car to the shop to have the estimate done. HOLY TOLEDO!! $2000!! Thank goodness I have collision insurance. Now I know why so many people run around with dents in their cars. And, they want to keep my car for a whole week. That is incredibly annoying. As nice as the lady was, I found myself feeling very queasy again. I think my upset tummy has something to do with amount of stress I'm feeling.

I completely snapped at DJ yesterday. I didn't mean to but it happened. We were talking about me and how I am feeling about the whole job situation. Basically, I'm trying desperately not to panic.

Logically, I'm fine. I know I will get a job soon.

Emotionally, I'm a mess. My hind brain is still running around, screaming in fear.

That's what I mean by trying to not panic. My emotions are totally out of whack and I tend to jump to the extremes IMMEDIATELY. I keep trying to reassure the scared little girl inside that I really can still take care of myself. It's a lot harder than it sounds.

Master Plans in Bedlam's Rest. Amazingly enough, I just had this conversation with a friend who told me: "I don't have any idea about any of your major plans, but I can tell you've got something in the works.... It just seems like you're up to something.... I'm not the only one who senses it, either. So, if you are, you might want to slow down a bit for camouflage."

I think I've just figured out the power that Elders have. Everyone -expects- you to have a Master Plan. Even if you don't. Currently, my "Master Plan" isn't THAT big. Yes. I have one in the works, but it affects mostly just me. And as Master Plans go, it's pretty harmless, over all. However, there are others with much bigger plans. Right? Or, am I falling for the masquerade, too?

I couldn't resist teasing my friend saying, "There are other plans in the works you know. I'm not the most dangerous one out there... just one of the most patient, methodical ones." I know of people vying for the Princedom or the Senschal's spot or even for the Keeper of Elysium

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance.

Nothing Important.

Not much happened yesterday to speak of. The only thing of interest scheduled for today is my "Exit" interview with the CEO of my company. Oh, yeah. I wrote up and posted "Interlude: Perceptions of Duty," about a rather sudden, unexpected argument between William and Duvessa in the Star Wars game.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Failing is OK. Letting it beat you isn't.