September 2004

September 08: All About the Geekery
September 16: Flying Time & WLS
September 28: Relationships

September 8

All About the Geekery
I am feeling a lot better. It's sad that I didn't take the last two days of the week off, too. But I know, back at work, there is a test pass starting. I had the best vacation. In a way, I feel like I had two vacations. The first one was at Rich's place. The second one at Conquest.


Vacation #1: At Rich's Place

I did the right thing by driving down to California. It took me 14.5 hours. I took my time. I stopped for food. I mentally distanced myself from the stress of work as I drove farther and farther from Washington. The drive between WA and CA is fast becoming a tradition of mentally purging my brain.

It was a good feeling to know where I was going at the end of the trip. A feeling of relief and familiarity. I got to see a bunch of people Sunday night as part of Rich's Sunday night game. This part of the vacation was all about not really planning. There were a couple of people I had plans to visit with but, other than that, I played it by ear.

Monday, I had a really good dinner with my brother. I treated him to Red Lobster and told him to have whatever he wanted. We talked about his family, his move, my job and that sort of thing. It was a surprisingly good time. He wanted to come back to Rich's place and hang out but, in the end, I decided against it because Rich is very liberal and Scott is very much not. Since both men have very strong, vocal opinions, I figured that would be a bad idea.

Tuesday, I hung out at Dana street and watched the familiar strangers come and go. I got to see the guy with the dreadlocks, the girl with the teal hair and the man with the cross. All people I had seen before but don't know. I passed on a message from Sylvan to Aaron - who didn't know (couldn't remember?) Sylvan's real name but, apparently, used to be roommates with him.

After that, Yony and I met up for dinner and went to Chef Liu's. They recently reopened in a new place. It doesn't seem any bigger than the last place but it does seem nicer. They remembered both of us with big smiles. Yony and I talked about all sorts of things. I can't really remember what. I just remember looking him in the eyes and mentally sighing. Every time I think I'm over him, I discover I'm not. I don't know if I ever will be. It felt really good to talk with him face to face again. He feels as good as always.

Wednesday was the day of Monte and sushi. *mmmm* A happy tradition for us now. Sushi, writing talk and whatever else comes up. We spent hours at Sono Sushi. I am becoming very jealous and selfish of sushi time with him. It's not something I want to share. Afterwards, caffeine at the Bean Scene then a quick trip to Trader Joe's for baklava fixings.

Back at his place, we talked until Thea and her mom came home. Thea then presented me with a homemade small labyrinth based on the labyrinth of Jericho. It is designed for me to use when I'm stressed at work and need to calm, center and focus. It is so pretty, too. Blues, purples and whites. I will be taking it to work with me tomorrow.

Thursday, Rich and I went out for lunch and saw Suspect Zero with Ben Kingsley. It was a good movie but both Rich and I could see how to make it better. Some of it was too neatly tied up. Some of it, like the relationship between the two FBI agents was choppy. We're sure the connecting bits in the change of their relationship ended up on the cutting room floor. But, over all, the movie had a wonderfully gritty feel to it.

I headed back out to Monte's place later that night to pick up the homemade baklava - which was a huge hit at the convention - and ended up in a really interesting conversation about poetry with Monte and Thea. I haven't had that kind of conversation, discussing, rhyme/meter, Villanelles and other forms of poetry in a very long time.

It had been five days of meandering through the days with little thought to planning and it was exactly what I wanted and needed. There were a lot of people I didn't have time to see and that was sad but, I figure I can catch them the next time I go down.


Vacation #2: ConQuest

Friday, we arrived and set up. Good Omens had a couple of dedicated rooms and that worked really well. I always knew where to find the GO crowd. Friday night, I got into Rob and Dave's Villains and Vigilantes game. I was playing a female version of the Punisher. I wasn't very nice. It was a blast. But, in the tradition of all Villains and Vigilantes games I have been in, someone dropped something really heavy on me. For once, though, I was playing someone who could take it.

Saturday, I started out in Chuckling Cthulhu's (Alex and Johanna) "Big Brains, Skinny Ties" game. I got to play "Jesse Burton," the daughter of Jack Burton and Gracie Law from "Big Trouble in Little China." I wasn't the smartest cookie in the jar but I was really loyal to "Jack Chi," the son of Wang Chi and Mao Yin, played by Dave Webb. This is the first time he and I were teamed up together. It was awesome. If he got into a fight, I jumped right in, whether or not I knew why I was fighting. He did keep the secret that Lo Pan was running around and, yes, I did have green eyes. As I was a Jack Burton type, I making passes at all the males - including Lo Pan - whose player had a brain fart and told Jesse he did have a girlfriend. *hehehe*

Saturday night, I was in Bill's "Cthulhu Cookies" LARP where I played a sweet school teacher who happened to be having dreams about the stars and did know a Mythos spell but I never had to set it off.

Sunday, I got into Rich's Buffy game. This is the third time I've gotten into his game and the second time I've played the Slayer. I don't know why people don't want to play the Slayer, I love it. The game was based on "Weird Science" and we ended up fighting a mini-Glory, named Leia. The Slayer almost died. It was really bad. But, when the Slayer went down, every other PC burnt drama points and jumped on Leia. My favorite was the Jock character pounding on Leia, shouting "Don't you ever hit Maddie!" I did come back, burning the last of my drama points, to decapitate her.

Sunday night, I played in the DoD invitation only LARP called "Asylum." They gave me the scariest character I have ever played. A super villain named "Madam Leota" who wanted nothing more than to forget who this "Madam Leota" was and wanted to remain just "Leota." She didn't want to remember the voices or the demons. She didn't want to remember those forces she controlled that tried to control her. It was a good thing for the game that she had 4 babysitters (A doctor, her brother and two superheros) and her brother dosed her with thorzine. That probably is what saved everyone from her releasing Cthulhu-esq monsters/powers on the whole game. She was loosing it fast. My favorite moment was when David and Wendy were both whispering into my ears with entreaties and promises while one of the doctors and brother watched me talk insanely to no one, swaying to David's singsong voice.

Monday was both disappointing and fun. I had no sign ups for my 7th Sea game. None. This was an ego blow for me since the last time I ran Tangled Threads, the one coordinator came to me to tell me that 32 GMs had used their priority slips to get into my game. I have three people show up but, that just wasn't enough. This game was based on one of my nightmares and I didn't want my main characters to get killed. So, GregE showed up and ran a pick up Shadowrun game. It was a lot of fun. I'm going to keep the character and have her talking with Billy Bushido over email.

Over all, I had a really good time on my vacation and I'm glad I took it. Tomorrow, I get back to reality and my job. It's good, I suppose because I know I'm really going to miss my CA friends a lot. I got all sad as people were coming in to say good-bye to me. I guess these good-byes where harder because I know it will be at least six months before I see most of them again. I miss that closeness between us. I do have a couple of promises of people coming to visit and that will be nice.


Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Cups

September 16

Flying Time & WLS
Time sure does fly when you're ... Usually, one says "having fun" at this point but that is not necessarily correct in my case. That isn't to say that I haven't been having fun but more to say that there are other reasons to why I have not made a post recently. A lot more reasons. Emotional ones. A reluctance to write. Not in general, but about the next "big thing" that is about to go on in my life. It is a reluctance born of fear and (hard to admit) some shame. Also, due to the mental wrestling about how to write about what's going on in my head and how other people are going to take it.

Just writing these words brings a well of emotion forward that I cannot readily identify. Silent tears have always been a great stress reliever in many situations for me. As they are now. I am not particularly upset. It's just that I have so much going on emotionally, it seems my tears are the only real outlet I have right now.

But, I digress.

As I was saying, time sure does fly when you're spending most of your free time researching a medical procedure. Weight loss surgery in particular. I have spent about three years looking into the option of it. I started right after I broke my leg and the doctor told me that if I did not lose weight, I would lose my mobility within a few short years. That scared me. I have been heavy since 1995-96 but it wasn't until 2000 when I started to really seriously try to take the weight off. In the intervening years, I have lost and regained over 150 pounds.

I didn't want to do weight loss surgery. Did not. It was new and scary and I was strong enough to lose the weight on my own, dammit. ... Wasn't I? Exercise alone didn't work. Slimfast didn't work. Starvation didn't work. Neither did the diet pills - any of them. Atkins and exercise worked for a little bit - 60 pounds lost. Gained it all back. Then, it was the 20/20 program. 30 pounds lost... and it is all coming back again. Already. So very quickly. I can feel my body breaking down and groaning under the stress of the regained weight.

Even more scary, my knees are getting worse. I hear them popping and creaking at ever step I take. Scarier still is the fact that it is no longer just my knees. I went out dancing before my vacation with Jo'nese, David and Ben. I had the most marvelous time. The next day, my left hip, my weak hip... the same side as the formerly broken leg, hurt. Hurt bad enough that I didn't do a lot of walking except to try and stretch it out. Weeks later, the pain ebbs and flows but never goes completely away. It is a constant companion now. Most of the time, it is the guest that will never leave but who is never around for you see face to face. You only see the trail of dirty dishes and forgotten papers left behind.

Last week, after going to the first seminar for weight loss surgery, I had my first signs that the weight was starting to really adversely affect my back. It was when I had gone to bed and was lying on my back. There was a pressure on my sciatic that sent waves of pain throbbing down my back and into my leg. Since then, I have been to one support group meeting and another more formal seminar for the weight loss surgery. It is still scary. It is abdominal surgery. There are many risks. But, I am currently being faced with the possibility of losing my mobility. Which is more scary: surgery or the loss of mobility/freedom? I have to say the loss of mobility.

I walked into the first of these seminars utterly certain that I wanted the gastric bypass. I walked out utterly certain that I absolute did not. The risks were too high. The complications too numerous. The procedure is irreversible. In the end, I have opted for the far less risky, far easier to recover from, completely reversible lap-band procedure. I have the first of my consultation appointments on Monday.

Once I decided to do the weight loss surgery and I decided on the type, I talked to my parents. I am canceling my Thanksgiving plans for this. I need to save the time off. My parents are nervous and supportive. If I want, my mom will fly out to be with me for it. With the lap-band procedure (which is an outpatient procedure in most cases), that will not be necessary if I can find someone who will be willing to stay with me for 48 hours after the surgery.

I have to tell you, I'm really happy to have my parents approval. I've already talked to a couple of my friends about the surgery and the idea has mostly been met with concern and support. It has been nice. Honestly, in a way, I feel like a failure at having to turn to this extreme measure to help me lose the weight. Part of me is ashamed and is afraid that my friends will disapprove and be ashamed of me as well. I really hope that doesn't happen. I was very close to keeping the surgery a secret from all save a few. But, I know me and my mouth. Plus, in the end, I am doing this for my health and my ability to continue walking. I hope people can understand that.

So, I'm not going to hid it but I'm not going to advertise it, really. Not like I have done with the Atkins program. Nor the 20/20 program. I'm not going to make it a separate part of me. I'm not going to make a separate web page for my progress. I am not going to make it a "special" thing anymore. If people want to know about weight loss surgery, there are thousands of web pages, books, white papers and seminars they can go to. One more will not make a difference. This is just going to be a part of me and who I am.

According to the doctors I have talked to already, Microsoft insurance will pretty definitely cover the whole thing. [It was funny, you could see their eyes lighting up. "Microsoft? Oh, excellent. Your insurance covers it. It will be a breeze for you. Unlike a lot of people who have to fight for the insurance."] Being slightly less optimistic, I am hopeful about it. It is an expensive procedure. If all goes will, I will have the surgery next month. I will write about it like I write about my writing.

Though, I do have to admit, I feel like I am trailblazing again - like when I did Lasik and Atkins and other things. More than one person has told that they have always been interested in the surgery and they would be watching my progress with an avid interest. "Jenn did it and look how well it turned out." "Jenn likes it, lets try it out." Sometimes, I feel like a brave guinea pig. Let's hope this one goes off well, too.


Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Cups, Inverted

September 28

Relationships
This past weekend was one of much indulgence in movies, gaming, food and good company. Friday night, I took myself out to see The Forgotten. I found it to be an enjoyable movie. I've also discovered that I am slowly getting over my reluctance/fear of going and doing stuff like going to the movies by myself. I still can't find it in me to go to a restaurant alone, though. But, it seems I'm growing more comfortable in my own skin, by myself.

Saturday, I had the last session of the current DnD game that I'm in. Because one player had to drop out for a little bit, we are putting the game on hiatus until they can return. So, next time, we are shifting to the Traveller system. I haven't played in it before but that's nothing new for me with this gaming group. Saturday night, I enjoyed the company of Aaron, Glenn and Andrew at the Melting Pot. It has been almost exactly a year since we four did that. It was a very good time. A lot of fun discussion about houses, moving and the like.

Sunday, I bopped over to Hans' place to play "Dogs in the Vineyard" with him, Jeff and Robert. It was really cool. Not just because of the game but because I was invited/included. I enjoy hanging out with the three of them. "Dogs in the Vineyard" is a really interesting indie game about being "God's Watchdog" in the early West. We are religiously based circuit authorities that travel from town to town as Jury, Judge and Executioner when Sin allows the Demons in to infest and damage a town. It is a very different style of game play that I've not experienced before but am fast beginning to like.


Monday, I spent traveling to and from California to meet up with my family. My parents were out visiting my brother in Livermore and meeting the new baby Haley. Since they were so close and I had not seen my Dad in a couple of years, I thought it would be a good thing for me to pop down there, visit with them and meet my new niece as well.

As an aside, I got to thinking about just how amazing this era we live in is that I was able to make an 1800 mile round trip visit in one day to see family for a few hours. It just boggles the mind when you really think about it. I suppose, that's why I still get a thrill out of being able to get in a taxi without any luggage and say "To the airport." It makes me feel a bit like a jetsetter.

But, I digress. The plane ride down was over before I knew it because I passed out on the plane. I was really tired. My dad picked me up at the airport but was in a good mood despite the traffic. He is looking a lot better. He's lost some weight and he's shaved off his beard. This makes him look younger and healthier. A very good thing in my book as he didn't look that healthy a couple years ago.

Mom is looking as well as ever. Just like she did when she came to visit me. Suzanne is looking tired but I'm pretty sure that's because the baby keeps her up at weird hours. Scott is the same as last month but seems calmer and more patient. Suzanne is an excellent influence on him. Baby Haley... oh, wow... she's so tiny. The kittens I foster are almost bigger than she is. She's about 5 pounds and squeaks a lot. Plus, she's so hot all the time but that's a good thing for her. I did hold her after some hesitation. Kittens are one thing. Babies are another. Haley is really fragile. Mom got a couple of pictures of me holding her.

I took the whole family out to dinner at our favorite Chinese place. It was a good time. Talking about Haley, moving, work, the hurricane and all sorts of stuff. Devon, Scott's adopted son is very bright and artistically inclined. He's promised me a drawing for my refrigerator to go next to the ones from Emily and Amanda. Eventually, I'm hoping for pictures from all of my nieces and nephews.

Scott drove me back to the airport after dinner and the plane ride was really smooth. There were all of 13 passengers on the flight. It seemed a little odd to me because another flight to Seattle left 30 minutes earlier and was completely packed. I think it must have been delayed. The 13 of us, 4 in first class, the rest in coach, spread out and relaxed. As I drifted off to sleep again, I pondered the idea of something 'interesting' happening to Flight 485 and to the 13 passengers. Nothing concrete just a bit about what someone would have to do to find all of us if they had to for some reason.

A writer's mind is never at rest and that's the way I like it.


Another thought that occurred to me is that my relationship with my family is very much like my relationship with my cat. In a way, it's very sad. On one hand, like my cat, it is filled with love, communication and giving. I like being around them and they like being around me. But, on the other hand, like with Esme, it has the potential to turn ugly at the drop of the hat with little or no warning and I just have to be fast enough to evade the teeth before I'm bitten.

One good example of this was when I discussing Devon with my brother, finding out his interests. (A tentative pet.) I received a very surprising answer to whether or not he would introduce Devon to DnD. It was an unequivocal "No." (Esme snapping at my hand.) When I asked why, since DnD used to be one of his all time favorite hobbies (Me slowly bringing my hand back to see if she's receptive.), he responded that there was too much paganism in the game and when on to tell me about how there was too much about 'true spell casting" and "demonism" in the guise of the game. (Esme snapping at me again.) I nodded and said that as Devon was his son, he just needed to keep me up to date with what they will and won't allow with him. (Me withdrawing altogether.)

This sort of thing happened several times during the few hours I was there. My father got upset that they were teaching Evolution/Darwinism in history class. My family making comments about Bush being a good president. Suzanne making a comment about devil worship at Halloween. There were other comments as well. But, as this is my family and my family is born again, religiously self-righteous and stubborn, if I want to remain on speaking terms with them, I must step back, silently offended. I know they do not believe they are self-righteous. Just very confident and sure of the "one true way."

This situation is very sad to me. I want to love them unreservedly. I do. Just like I want to love my cat unreservedly but I cannot. She is a feral rescue (born again) with ingrain behaviors (religiously self-righteous/stubborn) and quick to bite in an _expression of displeasure. It hurts in more ways than one. It is hard to love while always being wary of the sudden bite from the most innocent of pets or the best of intentions.

I've been thinking of this a lot this morning and this realization weighs heavy on me.


Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Cups

Continue on to: OCTOBER 2004
(Created by JLB)