October 1999

More Hard Truths.

Two new things. The new look for the month, again, from Katherine and now, I've replaced my "Thought for the Day" with "Tarot Card for the Day" - where I will randomly pull one Tarot card each day, post the picture and my couplet. We'll see if the Tarot Card matches my day.

Got a call from Netscape yesterday. They were massively disappointed in the fact that I don't/won't take a job that involves automated testing. I could hear the disappointment in the HR woman's voice as she said, "Oh." I asked her if that was the only QA positions available. She assured me it was not. Somehow, I'm not so sure she's being completely up front with him. (Gee. I wonder why.)

I did explain to her that I was willing to take a drop in pay in order to have a job doing something I -like- as opposed to going to a job that pays well that I hate. She seemed to understand and she still wanted to talk to the QA Manager about me in any case because they had lots of positions and she really liked my resume. She promised she's get back to me within 48 hours.

Well. I had The Talk with the CEO of the company. I was very, very nervous. But, he did a good job of putting me at ease. He asked for my history at the company to put things in perspective. Then, he asked if there was any other position or department in the company that I thought I would fit in better. He seemed genuinely sad that there was not.

When I talked about Catbert and everything that had happened, trying to keep "caring" and "concern" in the forefront, he was really surprised and seemed concerned at what happened between me and Catbert. Whether it was intentional or not, "Perception is reality" he said. He then explained that Catbert was a new manager and might be overwhelmed. He assured me that he would speak to her. Also, he wanted to be sure that I was satisfied with my severance package and complimented me on my mature handling of the situation, telling me that I was giving him a lot of good insight.

Like I said before, I'm not sure if he was just telling me what I wanted to hear or what but, at least, I felt like my concerns were heard.

Of course, guess who was standing outside the CEO's office when I came out. Yep, Catbert. EEKKKK! I was smiling so, I just said hello and continued on. Catbert looked surprised to see me coming out of the CEO's office. I was pretty surprised to see her, too. She wasn't supposed to be back until Friday. Ah well. I only have to deal with her for one more week.

Guess what. I got called to Catbert's office within an hour of talking to the CEO. I knew something was up when she closed the door for me to 'just sign the paperwork.' I immediately noticed that the stock awarding was more than before - for the full year and not just the 10 months. (This was something I had commented on in the talk with the CEO.) That was interesting. What was even more interesting was the fact that Catbert said something about how she had meant to give me the full one year but she missed it, having read and reread the document over and over. Of course, that doesn't explain why there was a very detailed description of why is was less than the full year stock was awarded and how they came to the amount they did.

Then, to my surprise, she told me that the CEO had spoken to her and told her flat out that she owed me an apology. She apologized and asked me what she had done wrong. So... I was pretty blunt and up front with her about I felt she had acted and reacted in this whole situation. And how I had ended up feeling. Perhaps a bit too blunt. She seemed very surprised when I mentioned the emotional button pushing. Whether or not she realizes she's doing it, it still sucks when you are on the loosing end of it.

She apologized again and I have to admit, it didn't seem very sincere. Mostly like she just did not want to deal with me anymore. That prompted me to say, "You see, I don't know if you're apologizing because [CEO] told you to or because you really mean it." THAT got her attention and shook her up. She got misty-eyed as we continued to speak honestly - on both of our parts. I feel I finally got behind the wall/mask and got her to understand exactly what it was that I had felt.

Actually, I feel really badly that I made Catbert cry. That was not my intention. My intention was to really, honestly reach her. To communicate the gravity of the situation and just what kind potential of the far-reaching negative effects of her words and actions have on the employees of this company.

I hope some good comes out of all of this.

In some great new, my sister, Shannon, is pregnant again. Exactly on plan as my sister and her husband wanted it. It's going to be a boy. That's my feeling on it.

Also, I added a "favorite comics" section to my "Journals I read" page.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Chariot, Reversed

Running...

I think I have had more than my fair share of bad luck recently. I was mugged yesterday morning - in broad daylight, facing one of the busiest streets in the city. Oh, I'm OK physically. It was rather civilized as muggings go.

It was 8:30ish AM. There was only one car in the ATM lot. Not unusual for the morning. I glanced over, saw a guy in the car as I went and got out money for Sunday in thoughts of going to the Ren Faire with Alex and Johanna. As I came back to my car, I saw that the guy had gotten out of his car and moved around until he was almost inbetween both of our cars. He was wearing a red baseball cap, Tom Cruise sunglasses and a blue wind breaker. He had a map out, looking at it, confused. "How do you get to the Dumbarton Bridge?" He asked me as I got close. I started to give him verbal directions when he asked me to show him on the map. He placed the map down on his car and we both leaned over it.

As I started to point out the route, I felt something hard shoved into my side and I knew this was a BAD THING(tm). It felt like a gun. I don't know for sure if it was, but I was taking no chances. He said, "Give me the money and you won't get hurt." Time seemed to stop for me and I stepped outside of myself. I watched myself very calmly put my keys on the hood of car, reach to my other hand, take the $100 I had just pulled out of the bank and hand it to the mugger. The money disappeared. Then, I picked up my keys and waited quietly, keeping my hands in plain view. "Now, turn and face your car. Don't turn around." I did exactly as he said and waited until his car had pulled away.

Then, I drove home, called the non-911Police number and reported the mugging. They asked me to come in and make a report. The Officer who took my statement was very nice but honest, saying that most likely, unless caught in the act, there was very little chance that this guy would ever be caught. Though, apparantly, this was the second such crime with the same MO in the last week. Perhaps my information would help them. They would let me know. He did say that I did do the right thing with not fighting the mugger. Then, I drove home and sat in my den.

It's weird. I did not cry. I did not shout. Just sat there, disassociated. Not feeling. Just thinking about it. Replaying it over and over in my mind. You know, you wonder what you would do if you ever were put in this kind of situation. Thoughts of heroism and bravery. Or of beating the snot out of the twit who DARED to try to mug you. But, I found that none of those thoughts came to mind as it actually happened to me. All I did was think about how to remain calm and how to get out of this without being hurt. In the end, all I lost was $100...

And a lot of my self esteem.

Right now, I'm wavering between numbness, laughter and blind raging anger. I want to scream out "WHY ME?! THIS ISN'T FAIR! DAMMIT! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!" I have had the worst couple of weeks. Part of me wants to laugh. This is amazing. I was mugged. Part of me, the part in control, is just keeping me distanced, unfeeling really. Maybe, that's why I want to laugh when I tell my friends about it. I do know, I'm not going to tell my parents about this. They'd freak.

I keep wondering when the tears are going to come.

I've been working on a new poem called: "Running..." It's a little different that the poems I usually write. It's creepy. One friend read it and said, "Oh, boy. You read a lot of Poe, don't you?" (She had also just read a couple other my creepy poems: "A Murder of Crows" and "Dancing Assassin.") Johanna thinks it more Love-Craftian than Poe. I think it's just a neat creepy poem/thought with a cool twist.

Phone calls and emails are starting to come in from my electronic Resume papering of Silicon Valley. Nothing too interesting - yet. Netscape, Placeware and Excite@Home so far. Just little nibbles here and there. I'm not going to move fast at all. On a good note, one of my old bosses from 3DO works at Placeware and is really interested in having work with him again.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Wands, Reversed.

Movie Day

It was a good day, watching The Matrix and The Mummy with Greg and David. I can't wait until I have my own DVD player. I really liked watching "The Makings Of"s and looking through all of the neat little extras that DVDs have.

I decided not to go to the Ren Faire with Alex and Johanna. I'm still feeling very funky from being mugged on Friday and still feeling a bit stressed about the money situation. I'm not sure how well I would do in a large crowd of people right now. Probably not too well.

Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Cups

Control.

Well, as everyone can see, I decided to revamp my journal front page. I got the urge to change it and suddenly it was my top priority. Maybe I just needed to change something that I had control of. Something that is my own. I think I'm feeling out of control.

I've lost my job. I was mugged.

I feel stupid for falling for the mugger's ploy.

I feel unworthy because I wasn't able to do that job.

Yes. I know I shouldn't feel like this but I do.

You know what? I told Alex and Johanna that I couldn't go because I was worried about the money situation. In truth, I was afraid. It's hard to explain. I was feeling a vague bad feeling that something horrible would happen if I went with them to the Ren Faire. So many people. So little control.

It makes me angry that I feel this way. To be afraid of people who, in general, do not deserve my fear.

I finally received my copy of The Artist's Way. I think, it's come at a very good time. I've begun reading it, cautiously accepting some of the ideas within. I think I will begin with a week of Morning Pages before I start with the first week's assignments. Part of me is pleased that I am going to start doing Morning Pages. Part of me is ... scared. It's an odd feeling.

The idea is to purge one's self of all of those things that are blocking you and your creative conscious. There is a certain sense of relief to know that -finally- they will be splatted to a page and forgotten. Yet, at the same time, I feel I will have to honestly exam each thing as it leaves my mind through the pen. That is a frightening concept. There are a lot of not-so-nice things within me. Hard truths. Pent up lies. Shameful deeds. On the other hand, there are a lot of good things to look at and accept, too.

Perhaps, that is the harder thing to do - to accept the good things about myself.

Damn. I just found out that Alex's Mom died. It makes me feel incredibly sad. I only met her once but she was very cool. Alex and Johanna have had to deal with Alex Mom's illness and impending death for a very long time. In a way, I'm relieved for them. At the same time, I can't help but cry for their loss.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Wands

Snippets of Life.

Damn Steph for poking at me at work to see how I was feeling about the mugging and making me cry. I had been doing so well until then. Damn Akien for telling her and others about me being mugged. Perhaps they wanted to know because of the deliverables but darn it, I didn't want everyone to know. I feel stupid enough as is. Ah, well. I suppose it didn't hurt anything.

You know, I've gotten to the point where I just want to leave now. It hurts to be there, even if I am working hard on that project.

They are interviewing for my position now and so far, EVERYONE loves the person they interviewed today. It's weird. I know I'm leaving. But I don't know. I want them to miss me and... and...

Damn abandonment issues.

*mutter*

Good phone interview Excite@Home. It was 45 minutes long. It seems like a good job. And no automation. That pleases me. It is a managerial, schedules type of job. Interesting. But man... what a long hiring process. Interviewing 5-6 people 1st round and then ANOTHER 5-6 people before an offer.

Amazon.com just sent me The Fate of Bester, the third in a trilogy about Babylon 5 PsiCorps. It's been a very good set of reading and, of course, I dropped everything as soon as I saw it. I read half of the book before I forced myself to put it down and save some for tomorrow.

And darn it, they're giving Bester a soul again. *smile*

Oh, yeah. Interesting Dreamage last night: Driving.: Suddenly thrust into the driver's seat, I have no choice but to bring us down safely.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Wands

Multimedia Day.

Dancing Assassin and Mirage have been accepted into the book: Shades of Expression, an anthology of poetry that will be available on Amazon.com in February of 2000!! *bounce*bounce*bounce* I'm really excited. This is so cool. The only thing they ask the authors to do is purchase the book - which is only about $15. As if I wouldn't buy it!

This is the first time I've been published and it wasn't a contest. Both the National Library of Poetry and Sparrowgrass were/are contests. This was just an editor looking at all the submissions and choosing the ones that fit best. We had to submit at least three poems but no more than five. And two of mine got in! Yeah!

I had my interview with Placeware. I almost cancelled it because the SQA positions listed on the website were for automated testers only. So, I called and talked to the QA Manager first and found out that it isn't just automation. They are looking for people to write test plans, put in process and do manual testing, too. The interview was three hours long. It was pretty good but I think I overwhelmed the first two people I spoke to. Over all, I'm cautiously positive and fairly ambivalent.

I got to see the season premiere of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer and the spin-off, Angel.

Buffy was good, although, it wasn't the best episode by far. Still, the feeling of being totally lost and overwhelmed on your first day of college and all the problems one can have with finding classrooms and even your own dorm room were really played out well. College is a whole different world and no, you can't go back. I think it will be a good season. I'm looking forward to it. I hope Giles has a decent role. I really like him.

Angel was interesting. It's supposed to be 'darker and more adult' than Buffy. I'd say that it hit that mark with a sledgehammer. The show has potential. I like the half-demon, Quinn. I love his accent. But then again, I like Irish accents. And Cordelia was just as much Cordelia as she ever was. I was afraid that she'd that self-centered bitchiness that made her character her. We'll have to see how the season pans out.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Swords, Reversed

Perception is Reality. Thought is Action.

Interesting phrases, but what do I mean by them? I was talking with KT and she asked me (paraphrased), "Is it just me, or has there been a lot of bad karma floating around with all the accidents and earthquakes recently? With the end of the millenium coming up..." That question opened up a mostly hidden part of my belief system. I really believe that we can influence and actually create our reality with our thoughts. If you believe something to be bad or fail, it will. If you believe it to be good or succeed, it will.

Basically, all of the hype and hysteria about the year 2000 - that people believe is going to be bad is actually creating enough bad/negative energy to cause the recent trend of bad happenings.

Yeah, I know it's a bit radical or sounds like new age mumble-jumble and a lot of people would immediately think/say that I'm nuts. But wait, hear me out.

When someone compliments you, you feel that much better about yourself and you do/look better because of it. Good perpetuates good.

When someone says, "You can't succeed." It makes you feel bad and you don't do as well - because of it. Bad perpetuates bad.

It's a little hard to explain the thoughts in my head. So, rather than have me explain it to you, why not have you prove it to yourself.

Here's a little exercise: Have you and two friends work together on this. Pick a third mutual friend. For a day, ask him if he's OK. Be concerned. Mention that he looks ill or pale or tired. You will see that he will start feeling ill, tired, run down. He might even develop a fever or a cold. It could be as quick as an hour or two or as long as 24 hours. I've done this and for our 'subjects' - all five of them - they all became ill. It's not scientific but the results were amazing.

Here's another, much nicer exercise: Have you and two friends work together on this. Pick a third mutual friend. For a day, compliment her. Tell her that she looks good, beautiful. Compliment her decisions. Pay attention to her. Believe that she is the coolest. And you will see a change in her. She will blossom. Be radiant, even. An inner charm and confidence will shine through.

Your perception will become their reality.

Now. Imagine that on a much large, grander - global - scale.

Scary, huh?

It's strange. I know Alex and Johanna are mourning the loss of Alex's Mom. I know it and I want to help - ease the hurt, but I don't know what to do. Alex wrote an email telling everyone he'd be very hard to get a hold of for the next week. So, when I see him online, I don't even bother trying to contact him, giving him his space and time.

But, when I called Johanna and got Alex, to me he sounded happy to hear from me - chipper, even. (Could have been the cold medicine.) So, now, I'm wondering - am I giving too much space and making them feel ignored? I want to... I don't know... give them little gifts or something, just so that they know that I care. Makes me feel like I'm in 'nesting' mode again.

Maybe I'm having flashbacks to another friend who needed support but insisted they didn't but then got upset when you believed them. I don't want to be misinterpreting signals and stuff. I don't want to ignore, but neither do I want to smother. Ah, well. What's a friend to do?

Well, I spent way too much time on Halcyon's (John) website: Prehensile Tales, last night. On his @Home webcam, he's got a neat little chat site. I met him and a bunch of other people. It was an interesting time. John is a very handsome man with a lot to say. Some of his "Ramblings" are funny. Some are vicious. Over all, he seems like a very neat guy.

Surprisingly enough, we got on the subject of being alone in a crowd. I was surprised to find that this funny, dynamic, handsome man had/has the exact same insecurities and fears I did... do. Somehow, it made him that much more human and attractive to me. I felt a sad smile cross my face as we talked about it. There was a brief sense of camaraderie. I liked it. If he's not too busy with work and stuff, I hope to keep in touch with him by email. We'll see.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Pentacles, Reversed

*NADA*

Duffy Duck Moments & Jedi Girl Moments

It was my final day at S-S. I was pretty sad, over all but feeling good. I signed all the paperwork and then received my final paycheck. Right then, I had a Daffy Duck moment, thinking: "Mine! Mine! Mine! I'm rich! I'm wealthy! I'm socially secure! Mine! Mine! Mine!" Needless to say, I was not aware that they give you your severance package in one lump sum.

Had lunch at the Tied House Pub with most of the QA group. It was fun. More like just an outing than a good-bye thing for me. I found out that Diana didn't want to help me so much; it was so beneath her, that she said that she'd rather just take the responsibility of ClearQuest back than to 'waste her time' with me. Well, she got her wish - Diana gets ClearQuest, ClearCase and is now in the ITS department. I hope that makes her happy.

When I went back to the office after lunch, I frantically finished my last document: How to Write a Bug. (A process document.) Then, decided that I ought to buy all of my vested stock because I had the money and I thought it would be a good idea.

Once I sent out the "Good-bye" email to the company, a lot of people came to see me off. It was odd. Now that I was leaving, we could be friends? I don't know. Well, I'll be in touch with Casey and Akien at least.

We got to play the Star Wars game last night. *WHEW* I don't know about anyone else but it was pretty intense for me. Alex ran a darned good game. It was a nice ending to the "First Episode" of the Tales of the Iridium Rose. There was even a starring point for Duvessa when she was thrown into unexpected situation because of the actions of another character. Of course, she spent most of the time with a frosty exterior and a quaking tummy. Go Jedi Girl! This is going to be a fun one to write up. I'm not sure when I'll have the time. But I'll try and make time this weekend.

I've noticed something recently when I wake up. I can't seem to get my eyes to focus when I wake up if I sleep late. It takes about 30 minutes for my eyes to 'settle'. I have to admit, this is worrisome. Loss of eyesight is one of my biggest fears.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Pentacles

Men & Dreams.

I revamped my "Journals I Read" page, looking for new stuff to read amongst the familiar. As it turns out, I've add only male journals to my page. Kind of a surprise for me since most journalers are female. Then again, maybe not. Men fascinate me. Any chance to get inside their heads and see their perspective on things is an opportunity not to be missed.

I've added:
Book of Rob: I've been recommended to this journal several times and decided to check it out. So far, I like what I read. Rob is very personable.

Erasing: Anyone with the name "Scotch" has got to have a story to tell. At least, that's my theory and so far, I'm right. He has his 'shallow' moments but most of the time, he delves into his thoughts.

Words: A journal I just happened across recently. Scott has cool perspective on the world around him. I like the sidebar in his entries.

I revamped my Dream Journal pages to make them easier to read and clearer. What sparked the sudden revamping was me meandering through the Dream Journal webrings at the bottom of the page and becoming completely disgusted with what I found. 90% of all the dream journals I looked at looked like car wreaks: Blinking and spinning and animated things. Poor, clashing color choices. And most of them, I could not even find where the dream entries were. So, I immediately reviewed my pages for ease of reading and such. I'm happier with the end result.

The very few I did find where like nuggets of gold:
SwankiVY's Dreams
Juggling Mercury (Johanna's Dream Journal. No, I'm not just bias.)
Paper Hearts
Well of Oneiros

Interesting. I've pulled the King of Wands twice in one week. Something to ponder. Wands represent Enterprise and Glory. They are associated with Fire. Sagittarius is also a Fire sign. In readings, the King often represents either a man close to the seeker or the Spirit. Perhaps this King of Wands represents my new boss to be. He would be a man with blond hair and light eyes.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Wands

That would be a fork, Bob.

Dreamlines... Realities Within - Johanna's Wedding: Trying to make sure Johanna's wedding goes off without a hitch, I have to deal with a friend, James, who wants to pull a practical joke by hiding the sacred Book.

Small worlds. The guy, Mark, who replaced me at S-S is a gaming buddy of another Bay Area Journaler, Michael. And Michael has met my (ex) co-worker, Steph, too. Cool. You know... this sorta makes me want to have a pizza party or something like that for all the Bay Area Journalers. Just so we can meet each other. *grin* Maybe I'll do just that.

Went shopping for 'interview' clothes. What a depressing experience that was. Most of what I wear is soft, comfy and stretchy. I've discovered that 'interview' clothes don't stretch and I had to get items two sizes larger than I'm used to so they wouldn't be too tight on me. *blech* It was so yucky that as soon as I found what I wanted, I was out of there like a shot. Stick a fork in me, Bob. I'm done.

I'm nervous enough about this interview with Excite@Home as is without having to worry about how I look. I have a feeling I'm going to be grilled like a hamburger at a Sunday afternoon bar-b-que. I usually give good interviews... but this first one is going to be the 'technical' grilling. Five people, three hours. *ugh* Then, wait to hear if I get called back for the second round - the personality grilling. Five more people, three more hours. *double ugh* And THEN, they all have to root for me before I can be offered a position.

Yeah. I'm nervous.

Went to Alex and Johanna's house last night because they had massive quantities of food from the memorial and they asked friends to come over, hang out and eat food. We had a really good time doing something incredibly domestic and 'pure' (well, except when the beer came out and the innuendoes began to fly). We played Trivial Pursuit, Genus IV and proved once again what Trivia idiots most of us were.

I showed well early on by getting the first wedge of the game - which, btw, I am immensely proud of. But, Johanna proved herself Trivia queen by gaining the lead, keeping it and then winning in the sudden death match after some five hours game play. She was closely followed by Alex and Chris, then me and Jen, and then Laurel. Brit got there too late to actually play but I suspect we are all better for it as he was coming up with the most inane and obscure correct answers.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Wands, Reversed

You're Getting Old When...

Ye Cats! I don't know what I was smoking last night! Apparently, in the middle of the night, I got up and typed up a dream. I remember the dream. I remember thinking that I needed to remember it for morning. However... I was surprised to find what I found on my computer in the morning. The computer was on and my dream diary document was open. I really don't remember typing up the dream. And for being asleep, I did pretty darned well. (If you are interested, I'll send you the raw format. Just email me.)

Vampire Clubhouse - Invited to the hit nightclub in the area, I discover too late that the regulars are vampires intent on either having me and my friends for dinner or to join their ranks.

I've decided that it's all Alex's fault because when I told him yesterday that I had dreamed about him twice in six days, he responded with "What? You don't dream about me EVERY night?"

One of the things I forgot to mention yesterday that was a major triumph while shopping - I finally found a couple of comfortable bras that fit! You know you're getting old when your first concern about a bra is if it's comfy and not if it is a cleavage shaper. I finally broke down and looked at the "ugly, old women bras." They are practical and... comfortable.

No, it's not that bad. Just, not underwired, push-up or laced to heck and back. And men wonder why women are crabby. You try having boning jabbing a delicate part of your body for 18 hours a day and tell me how cheerful you are. Here's one. Get a pair of shoes one size too small.

I spent a whole day in one and at the end of the day when I am usually whimpering in pain, I suddenly realized that I had not fussed with the bra, whimpered in pain or mentally bitched about the straps digging into my shoulders. In fact - I had not noticed the bra ALL DAY. Ladies, I know you KNOW what an accomplishment this is. (Oh yeah, they are REAL WEAR for REAL WOMEN(TM) found at Lane Bryant. They look ugly on the rack but look fairly decent on the body and feel great.)

I had my interview at E@H yesterday. It was LONG. Five hours. It was supposed to be 0900-1200 but ended up being 0900-1400 hours. I'm feeling pretty positive about it. It felt good. I told SC (who would be my boss) what day I wanted to start and he was fine with it. I am supposed to here back from him sometime today.

Speaking of interviewing, interestingly enough, despite I was perceived as a lack of interest on both sides - Placeware has called me back for a second round of interviews. They will be on Wednesday.

Also, Google has called, wanting to talk to me. Pretty cool.

{{{ LATER }}}

SC called back. Told me that everyone had good things to say about me and he was fast tracking the second round of interviews - that are largely protocal. I'll be interviewing with the VP of Engineering and the VP of the department I'm will be in. The second round will be on Friday because the VPs will be in Seattle until then.

I'm really positive about the whole thing but I'm still going to do the second round of interviews at Placeware - just to be on the safe side.

Oh, yeah. It seems that since I needed my car for my interview this morning, I missed my spot at the car shop and they rescheduled me to the 26th of October. That means they would have my car until the 5th of November. *blech* Looks like I'm going to have to break down and rent a car. But, if I'm working by then, it won't be so bad.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Pentacles

Scratch My Back?

Google and Netscape got in touch with me yesterday. The Netscape position looks interesting. Unfortunately, the Google position was for a coder - which as you all know, I am not. I've decided that I'm not going to relax my job search for the moment. Mostly because I'm paranoid. The HR lady at Excite@Home paused just a bit too long when I told her how much I had been making at Silicon Spice and then could not tell me the salary range for the position that I have been interviewing for. *hmmmmm*

So, I will go to the second round interviews with Placeware and Excite@Home as well as the first round interview at Netscape. What can it hurt?

I got a call from a man at National Engineering who specializes in finding Permanent SQA positions in the Silicon Valley. Right now, I'm not interested in going through a service and politely told him so. Then, he asked if I knew anyone who was looking for a job in the industry. I countered, asking where he got my resume and name from. At first, he did not want to tell me. Then, he said, "I'll make you a deal."

"Oh?" (cue frigid voice)

"Well. OK. It was Placeware. I have a friend there. Are you interviewing there?"

"Why yes, I am." I found it very interesting that someone at a place I was going to a second round set of interviews for, was giving out my resume to headhunters.

He said, "You've got a good shot there. Really."

"Thank you." I said and decided that since he did give me the information, I would see if I could help out both he and the HR lady at Google. "I tell you what... I have a contact point at Google and they are looking for SQA Engineers."

"Oh! Scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!" He seemed surprised and very pleased.

"I'm not interested in the job they need someone for." I told him, shrugging. Then, I gave him the HR contact and wished him luck.

And, of course, I called the HR lady at Google back and gave her a heads up. *evil grin*

THEN, I called the HR lady at Placeware and asked her what the heck was going on. She was understandably shocked. She told me flat out that the leak did not come from her office and that Placeware was very excited about the second round of interviews with me and that the QA Manager did want me to work there. She would also have a chat with Mike (my ex-boss from 3DO) about this situation. She apologized and then made sure that I would make the interviews. I told her I would.

A special thank you note to all of you who have expressed your good wishes for me to find a job that I am happy with. I really do appreciate it.

Thank you.
-Jenn

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Cups, Reversed

That's Cynicism For You.

Driving over to Rob and Lisa's, I saw a large billboard with a blue sky, white fluffy clouds and the words: "LUCKY WILL YOU MARRY ME?" written on it in white, as if a plane had written it with sky writing. As I sat at the light, looking at the billboard, I thought, "Well, either that's part of a new Lucky's (cigarettes) ad campaign, in which case, it SUCKS. Or, it's a sweet, romantic gesture and a proposal of marriage... in which case, it's pretty darned cool. Too bad I'll probably never know which one it really is."

Random act of kindness.

When I talked to the HR Lady at Google, she had mentioned losing contact with a friend of hers at Ventritex after that friend left. Since I still have a contact there, I offered to see if I could help track this friend down. The HR lady was hopeful but I know she did not expect to hear from me again. I gave my ex-boss a call and asked him about this friend. Through a bit of wrangling, he finally got me an email address to pass on to the HR lady.

I called the HR lady yesterday and gave her the friend's email address. She was incredibly happy and surprised. I wished her a good day and continued on.

Good perpetuates good.

*whew* This interviewing thing has taken a new twist. At this point, where two of the companies are concerned, I'm interviewing THEM to see if I want to work for them. PW is doing a good job of giving me reasons to work there and E@H is doing the same. It's to the point that, currently, PW is in the lead but I still haven't done my second interview with E@H. And I still haven't seen an offer letter from either. This is getting more and more complex as we go along. I really don't know who I'm going to pick.

I spent a lot of yesterday writing on my Star Wars episode: Ord Mantavi, Part Two - In this episode, Duvessa tells the tale of the Broken Spanner escaping the ocean of Ord Mantavi only to be captured by the Star Destroyer, Relentless. Then, once on the Relentless, Duvessa is thrown into an unexpected situation where she discovers a secret about one of the crew and that an old enemy still very much alive and working for Empire.

Tarot Card for the Day: The World, Reversed

Recruiters

I really dislike interviewing. I seriously considered not interviewing with Netscape yesterday. To the point that I was actually starting to write an email, cancelling it. But then, I decided that I had made the committment and therefore I should go through with it. Even if I didn't feel like it. Part of me was like: What's the point? You have two offer letters coming. The other part was like: And what if they fall through?

{{{ Later }}}

Back from Netscape. It was a pretty good interview. I know I can do the job. I've met everyone in the department. It looks like it would be a good fit. However... I really can't stand the HR recruiter there. (Go Fig.) She's manipulative, brusk and has a way of making you feel like you are being silly the whole time she's being 'supportive' of you. If anything, SHE'S what would keep me from working there.

Nothing like an HR person to ruin a perfectly good interview. I don't think she's going to give me an offer unless I say, "I've dropped the other two companies. I want to work for Netscape."

And, frankly, I'm not going to do that.

I hope this final thing with E@H today goes well. Interviewing is exhausting.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hermit

I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!

I revamped everything in my website. I had completed all of the front pages but none of the back pages. I even revamped my picture page. *whew* I need to get some new photos. I gave all the pages matching styles. I like things like that - coordinating colors, styles and outfits. Much like QA work. Everything has its place.

I have finally finished interviewing. You know, interviewing is exhausting work. I don't know what the final outcome will be. I know for sure that I will get two offer letters. Maybe a third. All the offer letters will come next week. So, I'm going to take this weekend off and not worry about offer letters or jobs or any of it. I AM NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT IT. I'm not! I'm not! I'm NOT!

Well, my period FINALLY started. Only two weeks late. It's not that I don't might not having a period - however, the body has a cycle for a reason and when the body doesn't work as expected, this is cause to worry. (Good thing I haven't had sex in quite some time or I'd be REALLY worried.) In any case, it was probably due to stress. I've heard stress can throw off the cycle. I'm glad I'm back on track. At least, I think I'm back on track.

So, I'm sitting there, up to my eyeballs in HTML code and making my pages look nicer when my phone rings. It's my Mom, asking what was up for tonight (meaning last night). DUH! I completely forgot that I had promised to visit my parents last night. Fortunately, I had not scheduled anything else for Friday night, planning to just relax.

Dinner with my parents was really, really, good. Absolutely NOTHING went wrong. It was a real home cooked meal of bar-b-queued pork chops, noodles and peas. We chatted about work, looking for work and even about me buying my parent's land they have in Alaska. I'll be setting up a contract after the first of the new year to buy 1.3 acres of land, just outside of Anchorage, Alaska.

That subject brought up a new topic. I mentioned needing to get a fire proof box because I was actually starting to collect IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS(TM) like a passport, a stock certificate, soon a deed to some land and various other documents. My dad suggested that, instead, I should just get an actual safety deposit box, in a bank.

Whoa.

A safety deposit box?

Me?

But... but... isn't that like a real.... GROWN UP thing to do? But... but... I'm not a grown up... am I? I mean, a safety deposit box is for real people... and... and.... *hmmmm* Maybe, I really do need it. I am collecting IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS(TM) like a grown up.

Then, immediately, my bouncing bubbly enthusiastic inner child woke up and started babbling, "A safety deposit box? Coooool! You can store some secret stuff there, like blackmail film or important files or... I know! Store money! Yeah! At least, a thousand dollars! Cause, who knows, something could happen and you might have to be on the run for a while. You'll need money and your passport and the secret documents!! ..."

Cooooooool.

Maybe I will get a safety deposit box.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Wands

OK... So, I Lied.

OK. So, I lied. I am worrying about the job situation. Not worrying per say, but thinking about it an awful lot. See, there are three jobs I've interviewed for: Job1, Job2 and Job3. I know for certain I have offer letters coming from Job1 and Job2. I'm fairly certain I will get an offer from Job3.

Job1 is the job that I'm most likely going to go with for several reasons - I know I can do the job. It will be challenging but not TOO challenging. I know some of the people working there already. The atmosphere is comfortable. The only drawback will probably be the pay. I don't think it will be as much as the others. But, then again, I'm not looking for money. I'm looking for a job I will like. And, they are pre-IPO.

Job2 I've already decided that I will turn down because of the second round interview. The word "volatile" was tossed around way too much. The boss wants some scripting ability and the last two people I interviewed with seemed to be quite intent on scripting, despite the boss' assurances that I just need to be familiar with it. The job is a fast paced one. The boss is a high demand, goals oriented one. I have no doubt I could do the job, save the scripting, but I'm not sure I really want to work in such a high stress environment that seems to have way, way too many large outside influences on it. Of course, part of me is wondering if I'm just being lazy. My inner critic is scoffing at me, saying I don't want to actually work for a living.

Job3 might be competition for Job1. I know I could do the job easily. In fact, it might be too easy. That could be a small problem. I don't really want to be bored. Everyone I spoke with was pretty cool, for the most part. It seems like a very stable environment over all for being a large company. They talked about their schedule they have mapped out for the next year. I think the pay will be good. There is some concern with outside influences, but I think it would be OK.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. If Job3 doesn't give me an offer in the next week, well then, there is no worry. I'll just go with Job1. Turning down Job2 is going to suck but I think it's the best course of action for everyone involved. If I get the over from Job3, my life is going to get very complex, very quickly. Turning down Job1 would be extremely difficult.

I know I probably shouldn't be worrying until I get the actual offers, but I can't help it. I'm paranoid. It's in my blood. I just want to make the right decision. I want this to be my last job for a few years. I hate looking for a job. I hate interviewing. I guess that's the crux of the matter. How can I be sure I make the right decision?

Unfortunately, after all is said and done, even with all the research and thought put into it, the answer to that question is: You can't be sure. You just have to experience and see.

Had a very fun game with the Concordia Alliance last night. Got to fight and defeat Inner-Earth Nazis! Lots and lots of fun! I, as Cathena, did pretty well, I think. Even if I completely missed the Nazi collaborator / Traitor in our Midst who knocked me for a loop as I was about to fry a bunch of Skeletal-bots. I have to admit, I'm having loads of fun in this particular set of "Journey to the Center of the Earth" games. It has a wonderfully Pulpish feel to it.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Sun

Backward Glances.

"SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU:
I have received this e-mail from Jesus Barbecued [AKA Christ Roast or Jesus Kabob] with a light seasoning of oregano, Ice, [Phantom] and [Jenn]:

[Jenn?] It's been a long time. Seven years changes people, but I remember a person that has a passion for life and an perspective on it that you could learn from."

The above came from an email from one of my old college buddies, Joker. It was part of one of those "Know your friends" email that started with Robert. He sent out it to a number of our college friends. This has inadvertently put me back in touch with (or at least given me the emails of) people I haven't talked to or thought about in years. In particular, it has hit on a number of people from the Den Mother group: Ice, Phantom, Joker, Jesus Kabob, Flood, Vixen, Barracuda and me, LadyHawke.

Seven years. That's a long, long time.

Den Mother was the little group that we named ourselves. It was mostly the guys but we females had a way of joining in. The guys didn't really mind too much. We were all AFROTC after all. I've kept in touch with Phantom, Ice and Flood somewhat. But, I have very vibrant memories of all of them.

Ice. Bob. He and I have spoken the most from this group. We compliment each other intellectually. We discuss philosophy and some of the more dangerous 'big picture' thoughts. He always struck me as a man searching for his destiny. Even in college. He and I would get into these abstract "What if" discussions that always led to some internal revelation. I remember him clearly - wearing his BDU bottoms and his red and white T-shirt that said "CIA and KGB together at last. Now, we're everywhere!" I remember the tilt of his head and the particular smile he would get if you hit on a point he didn't think you would notice.

And I remember one of the many times we played paintball - grubbing it in the cold, wet woods where he and I were on separate teams and I went diving for a fox hole, only to find that it was already occupied by Ice, the uber-paintball player. We both drew on each other, but somehow, I got the drop on him with a heart shot from four feet away. I remember landing in the fox hole in 2-3 inches of water, looking at him. He, for once, looked stunned. "Are you OK?" I asked. "Yeah." He said. I remember being so impressed that he did not flinch from the shot I gave him. I knew that had to hurt. I also remember being high for days - I had finally gotten Ice. It was the one and only time I ever got the drop on him in paintball.

Phantom. Robert. He was a lot of things to me. My first real love. My guardian angel. My first lover. My first real heart break. One of my all time best friends. I still love him. I think I always will. We learned so much from each other. We used to fight a lot. We used to take long walks together, too. He is the quintessential romantic. More so than any ten females I know. Sometimes, I think he was born in the wrong time period. There was a time that I thought he and I were going to get married. It didn't happen. I think, mostly because of me. And, as it turned out, this isn't a bad thing. He's now married to a wonderful woman who suits him perfectly.

There is one time I remember... another paintball memory... He and I were on the same team. All we had to do was hold the fort for twenty minutes. We were pinned down in a bad location - inside a one floor building that had three windows. I was covering two windows. He was covering the door and another window. There was shout behind me. As I turned, I saw a member of the other team in the window with his weapon pointed at me. Then, he was yelping in pain as his hand suddenly turned green as the siren sounded ending the game and I looked to Robert who was still in his "shooting the bad guy" pose. For weeks, he strutted around like a proud rooster. He had protected his woman and nothing could take that away from him.

Joker. Paul. He was always a hard one to read and to get to know. He trusted few and there was something always unexpected going on in his head. I was never as close to him as I was to many of the others. I'm not sure why that I was. I think it was a mutual decision. I liked Paul. He was a very dynamic, cynical man. He always seemed like he had a private plan to take over the world. I never doubted that he would not get exactly everything that he desired. He was always there to speak up if he saw that something wasn't right. His forthrightness was refreshing as much as it was (occasionally) painful.

Jesus Kabob. Chris. He was an enigma from the moment I met him. At first, I thought he was just your average, slightly geeky, socially inept guy. Boy, was I wrong. Chris was the kind of man who personified, "it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for." Hyper intelligent, fiercely loyal and not afraid to tell you exactly what he thought. He also had a soft spot for me. At first, I didn't see it. When I did, I had just stopped seeing Robert and I wasn't interested. I remember saying some hurtful things to Chris. Mostly to get him not to like me. I underestimated him. Many times, in fact.

I still remember the day I realized that I had woefully misjudged him. He and I had been fighting. More, I was highly pissed off at him for misleading me in a previous conversation. It was his way of showing me, just how gullible I had become - especially where my then boyfriend, James, was concerned. (He and all of my college buddies disliked James with a passion. Yes. That was one of my stupid phases.)

That day, I received three white roses from him. I -knew- this was his way of saying "I'm through playing around. I want to go out with you." I wasn't ready for that. I didn't want that. And, in a way, I felt sorry for him. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I would never love him. In any case, I spoke to him and thanked him for the roses and that I accepted his apology. It was my way of letting him off the hook. It was my way of getting out of it the easy way. He wasn't having any of that. He told me flat out that it was not an apology. That it was exactly what it seemed. I remember being shocked. That was when I realized that he didn't want or even deserve my pity.

Chris was always the man in the background who saw, heard and remembered everything. He's got my vote as Chief Advisor or Head of Intelligence when Joker takes over the world.

Flood. Dana. The old man of the group. A year ahead of the rest. I think he was our sanity. Our wisdom. He never ordered us around unless it was an official AFROTC thing. However, when he spoke up, we all listened. We may not have always agreed, but we did listen. I learned a lot from him. Both on how to treat people and about myself and following my principles.

I still remember the night we were playing "Squish" (imagine a mixture of Football, Smear the Queer, Keep Away and Girls vs. Guys) and I was hurt badly. I ended up with a level three ankle sprain. When it first happened, I wouldn't let anyone touch me. I kept saying, "Get Dana. Get Dana. He'll know what to do." I remember Robert and Sam were pissed at that but I didn't care. And Dana didn't let me down. He immediately came to my aid and took charge of the situation.

Vixen. Debi. My best friend in college. My comrade in arms. My evil, opposite twin. Debi and I were well known throughout UP. Especially in the Physics and Psychology departments. We were the only two females in our class who were computer science majors and we were well known for picking on professors - especially Dr. Utlaut and Dr. Zgriedous.

Debi was an extremely difficult person to get along with at times. She trusted very, very few and more than half the time would shut you out even if she had previously let you in. She let me in on many occasion, allowing us to share an intimate closeness. That's what made it hurt all the more when she would shut me out. There were times when it felt like you had to fight her to be her friend. And then there were times when she showed astonishing vulnerability.

The one thing Debi gave me that I will always treasure was her ability to make me push myself to do things that I had always been afraid to do. To face my fears and to really live, to experiment. We did some wild, exhilarating things. Things that make me smile. Things to make me blush. Things that I will always remember.

...

You know, I don't really know what I'm going to do with these email addresses now that I have them. Part of me wishes for the past. I think my favorite time in life was my first two years of college. But, I know I can't go back. Seven years is a long time. I wonder what everyone's been up to. I wonder what their reactions to me would be. What would they think of me being a published poet? Of being a QA Engineer? Of having experimented with BDSM for two years? Of having been mugged? Of being almost out of debt? And a million other questions.

I guess I'll never know if I don't ask.

Tarot Card for the Day: Eigth of Pentacles, Reversed

Fun Busywork

Well, since I'm off until November 1st, I've agreed to host and revamp the Arethane website. Arethane is an IRC based medieval fantasy role-playing channel set on irc.rpgworlds.com. I've been with Arethane since the beginning when it was first created on Austnet. I actually play a couple of pivotal roles like the Queen of Arethane, Gwenneth, and the King's familiar, skitten.

First, I'm just going copy all of the stuff from Geocities. Unfortunately, it's got a lot of blinking and animated things. Slowly, I'm going to wean Rhysanus - the owner, creator, King of Arethane off of the blinking, animated stuff until I can have a nice, sharp, snazzy, readable website. He knows my intentions and puts up with me because he thinks I'm the greatest. *grin*

I've promised to have to first version up by the end of today. I'll start modifying it soon after that. I have 2 weeks.

Dreamage: Menagerie - Worrying about my pet hamsters and trying to keep the lion separated from the meerkat, I just seem to have way too many animals on my hands.

Things are coming along nicely with the whole job situation but I'm not going to say anymore until I've made a final decision. Thanks again for all the well wishes I've received.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Cups, Reversed

No Rest for the Wicked

I've got insomnia again. It's my own fault, too. I don't need 10 hours of sleep a night, but this lounging in bed until noon is addictive... even if it means I can't seem to fall asleep until 4am in the morning. *erk* So, I'm attempting retrain my system to get me to go to bed at midnight and get up by 8am. I mean, I have things to do... like... um... clean my closets - seriously!

Well, I've bought my computer from Dell. It will be here next week. It's pretty snazzy. The DELL Dimension L Series. 500MHz with 128MB RAM and 13.6HD with DVD player and zip drive. Lots of little bells and whistles.

Now, to call @Home and tell them I need to have the cable card put into a new computer.

I am very, very pissed. I just can't believe this.

I got a job offer from [Job1]with stock and a signing bonus. I got an offer from [Job2] with stock. And now, I'm getting told from [Job3]that they will not be giving me an offer because I'm 'not TECHNICALLY qualified"??!! I called the head dude and left a message, asking in what way was I 'not technically qualified' And I will continue to call him until I get an answer. This is the job where me and the recruiter did NOT get along well.

I am not a happy camper. It's not that I'm not getting the offer. It's that they are saying I'm not technically qualified. Not technically qualified for a BLACKBOX test position?? What the hell are they talking about?

Well. In any case. At least I know which one I'm going with. [Job1] was the one I was most comfortable with. I know the people and I think I'll be very happy there.

Buffy - Angel cross over. I was going to do some serious bitching that they were doing one so soon, at first... but the way they did it was very acceptible.

Buffy - ACK! The "vacuous tramp" (aka Harmony) is back and is (was?) Spike's girlfriend! Buffy finally fell for a normal guy. A normal jerk. It was pretty sad to see the three girls (Harmony, Buffy and the ex-Goddess) in tears at the end. Well, now we know what Giles and Xander will be doing on the show.

Angel - OH MY GOD! Spike's opening lines making fun of Angel's tendency to do good was just too funny! I sorta wanted Angel to keep the ring but in a way, I'm glad he didn't. It wouldn't be the dark, brooding Angel that we all know and love.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Pentacles, Reversed

What's a girl to do?

The Fremont Munch, SPIF, that I started 2 years ago has now been discontinued. Guess that's my 'bad news' from yesterday with the Page of Pentacles, Reserved. My first thought was to immediately want to jump up and take it over again. But, my better sense strangled my impulsive nature and reminded me why I've been laying way low in the BDSM scene lately. I still have way too much mental baggage lying around.

Now that I'm sure I'll be debt free by the year 2000, my up-and-coming-shiny-new-obsession of health and fitness is back on track. Unfortunately, this means I'm back to looking at getting a new health and fitness lifestyle. So, I'm looking at a bewildering influx of information. Most of which contradicts each other.

Atkins Diet - No carbohydrates at all. Just protein and veggies. Protein good. Carbohydrates bad.

McDougall Diet - All carbohydrates. No protein. Some veggies. Carbohydrates good. Protein bad.

What's a girl to do? I -know- exercise and LOTS of water are agreed upon by all but I need a nutrition plan, too. I definitely don't want to do Jenny Craig or NutriSystem. I'm not sure I want to do Weight Watchers. Does anyone out there have experience with changing their lifestyle or loosing a lot of weight? Anyone with any advice for me? I'd sure appreciate it.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Swords

2.5 Down, .5 To Go.

Did you know that Heather of One Woman Focus Group and I began our journals on the exact same day? 1 August 1998. I discovered it as I went wandering through her archives. From there, discovered "Journal of a Writing Man" - a possible new addition to my 'Journals I Read' page... and that I actually have my own SETI@HOME stat page. Like Heather, all of my taxes go directly to NASA.

I paid off my last student loan yesterday and sent it out in the mail. Originally, it was 3 milestones: Credit cards, car and loans. And officially, I hit that goal. But, I've had to buy my computer, which has put a hefty amount back on my credit cards so, .5 to go. And I -will- reach my goal of being debt free by 2000.

Paying this last student loan has made me feel... strange. I'm not sure why. I know I should be dancing in the streets. Finally, no more student loans. Especially -this- 'loan.' This wasn't a loan per say. This was me paying back my AFROTC scholarship from when I was disqualified from the military. It's a long drawn out story that I don't want to get into here. It's burned into my brain and my ego enough as is.

This whole time I've been paying on it... over seven years... it's been a monthly reminder of my failure. A reminder of what I had lost. AFROTC had been -everything- to me then... my life, my religion. Many of my friends are still in the military. Some enjoy it. Most do not. Over and over, I hear, "This isn't the same Air Force I joined." I hear how people are serving their minimum amount of time and then are out - like a bat out of hell.

I still feel a sense of loss and failure from that horrible time in the summer and fall of 1991 and returning to California in defeat in the summer of 1992. But then, when I look at my life now. How far I've come as person. How far I've come professionally. I think about where I might be now if I had been able to stay in the Air Force and then I think, maybe - just maybe, Garth Brooks was right.

"Sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Pentacles

October 23, 1999
Electric Dreams

One thing I have to say about having this time off is that I have a lot time to dream. I had a really, really good dream last night: Love & War - On a world that is not Earth; a world where the rebels were losing a vicious war of invasion by a more advanced neighboring planet. I was the Prophesized One who would lead my people to freedom. However, my love for the Inquisitor's son brings me both heartbreak and opportunity.

After I finish the first part of "Through Raphael's Ring," I think I'd like to try my hand at working on a story based on that dream. It's still very vivid in my mind. I think I'd have a lot of fun with it.

I'll be picking my computer up today. I didn't expect it to arrive so quickly. Cool. But it looks like I'm on my own for installing @Home in the new computer. I called tech support about it and the girl who answered thought "NT 4.0" meant "Macintosh." *OY* Not a good start. When I explained that it was from PC to PC, just different from NT to Windows 98. She quipped. "Oh. All you have to do is transfer the network card. You can do that, can't you?" I wanted to smack her.

So, now I'm going to see if Greg or Casey will help me set up my computer on Sunday or Monday. I'd like to return Silicon Spice's computer to them before I start my new job.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Wands

Like a Pack of Hens

Getting my computer yesterday sucked bad. First, the exit was closed and I had to figure out how to get there going from the other direction and, of course, I got lost. When I finally get there, the lady asks me if I had talked to anyone about holding the packages, which had I. They have the packages but they are back in lock up and the supervisor who -just- left for lunch is the only one with a key. So, can't I sit there and wait there 25-30 minutes for the supervisor to get back from lunch? And no, there was no way to contact him.

I was already upset from being lost and I've been on an emotional roller-coaster for a few days now. I acknowledged that this was not her fault but I was really, really upset about it. So I threw myself into one of the waiting room chairs, trying desperately to control my boiling over emotions and waited.

Within 5 minutes, the lady came back and told me that the supervisor had a company vehicle and she had been able to reach him and he was on his way back. I felt such a sense of relief it was amazing. The supervisor was really nice. He apologized and helped me out to my car with the computer.

Still, the damage had been done. I was in a fantastically BAD mood and didn't feel like going over to Johanna's to learn stuff on Photoshop. I caught her on the AOL IM and told her so. Apparently Alex had had a REALLY bad day, too. He didn't want to go to the MacDude Halloween party. Johanna was going to go with me then.

Now, I had already been having a tug of war over going for the last couple of days. I wanted to go and see the MacDudes but there were a couple of people I didn't want to see... namely Chris and his (bitch monster from hell) wife or the Patriarch and his new (flavor of the month) girlfriend.

Oh, yeah. I do have a lot of mental baggage hanging around. I know it.

Johanna urged me to call Dot and find out if either of them would be there. I could deal with the Patriarch but not Chris. When I called Dot, we had a nice little chin wag that put me at ease. No Chris wasn't going to be there and maybe the Patriarch would be but no one was holding their breath. It was so nice chatting with her that I decided that I really did want to see them. So, I told Johanna I'd pick her up at 6:30pmish.

We both did pretty much the same thing on costumes - all black with masks. Though, hers added the red velvet cloak and made her an obscure reference to the movie "Eyes Wide Shut." Me, I cheated and threw on a Psi Corps pin and was a B5 Telepath.

I am so glad I went. (Thanks Johanna!) First, I saw a Falcon on the way over to pick up Johanna - one of my few "Good Omens" signs. Then, I got to see Dot, Pewter, Sarah, Jane, Thumper and Gina! I finally met Sarah's boyfriend, who was very nice. There were a couple other MacDudes there but I spent most of my time with the above mentioned group.

We were all playing "catch up on the gossip." Oh yes, we gossiped like a pack of hens. Comparing and trading stories about people we knew. Figured out who was married, who had spawned, who was on their way to being married, who had a new flavor of the month, etc... As Johanna put it, "I feel like I'm hearing about a soap opera I've never seen!" Oh, we did talk about other things, like favorite pet stories and such. But, yes. It was a gossip-fest. Even the guys got in on it when they realized that we weren't going to bite THEM.

I think I was most amazed with the number of people who HATE Chris' wife. Including Chris' whole family. I got updated on their situation. Several people won't even be in the same room as them.

I also found out that Jane was didn't know about the Patriarch's new girlfriend. According to her, they were still working it out - slowly. According to him, it was over. He never told her about the woman that he was bringing back from Texas. Somehow, I'm not sure of the details, she was told last night. It was not a good scene at first. Then, she dealt with it. After that, Jane beat the stuffings out of piñata and we continued to have a great conversation dealing from cats to bachelor kitchens to a house warming party for Sarah.

It really was a good time and I'm glad I went.

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Pentacles, Reversed

Game Stuff

We had our Bedlam's Rest game. It became the usual custer-f*ck with an implausible plotline that was set up as a "Do this or Die" game. I -really- dislike games like that. And I really dislike non-vampire plotlines, like mage, being the major portion of a -vampire- LARP.

However, we made the best of it and as it turns out, I managed to entrance the "NSA" agent, Agent Brown (also a mage, probably NWO). But, in turn, he entranced me as well. So, we began to work together. Thanks to that, he gave me a bit of magic for an attack against the "Mechano-Bots" and "Dr. Khaos." Being that I am a singer, all I had to do was sing a loud high "C" for a short burst of time. In the final battle, I managed to kill all six Mechano-Bots and incapacitate Dr. Khaos so that the others could live and kill Dr. Khaos.

I -better- get some status out of this. Elder status for sure. Cam status as a bonus. I helped save the world for crying out loud.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords, Reversed.

Temporary Measures

I spent the morning shifting piles of junk from my den to my bedroom in order to get ready for my new computer. Oh yeah. I have a LOT of junk. I have to really clean up my packrat ways. Just moving this stuff to delay the inevitable.

Then, I spent quite sometime wrestling with setting up my new computer. Actually, just getting it out of the boxes was a feat in and of itself. Then, it sat there for some time until Casey came over and set up for me. Only, there is one minor snag. I had a problem with the cable modem, just like I suspected. So, for the moment, I'm back to working with just my dial up modem until I get @Home working again. It's a temporary solution. Not great, not bad. And people wonder why I keep my Best account.

Hopefully, I'll get my cable modem working today or tomorrow.

However, the DVD is just TOO COOL!! I have "Labryinth", "Dune", "Matrix" and "The Mummy" on DVD. The extra money I spent on the monitor was worth it. So, I'm now happily watching them all.

So, we'll see what happens.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Pentacles, Reversed.

Progress! Success!

Well. I spent about four hours on the phone to the @Home tech department yesterday morning. We established that everything was set up correctly but no one could tell me why my cable modem wasn’t talking to my ethernet card. I was put on hold three times. Each time, I was told by a mechanical voice that the wait time averaged 10-15 mintues. Each time I waited on hold for over 35 minutes. Twice, the phone just disconnected me. Once, the last time, I had had enough.

Then, I decided that I had been right and the cable between the ethernet card and the cable modem was the wrong cord. So, I had to wait for Casey to get home and return the cord he took. I got it and within 10 minutes, my computer was back online. Success!

The stupid thing is, orginially, I had asked if it mattered if I had the white cord or the orange cord. The white cord had come with the cable modem. Casey told me no. It didn’t matter. My gut told me yes. Darnit! The Force is speaking to me. I gotta start listening to it more often.

So, now, all I have to do is wait for Casey to get me my documents back. You know. It’s a good thing I trust him. I don’t care if he reads any of my stuff. 95% of it is up on the web. But, it would be pain in the butt to set up everything; all my folders and organization again. I think the only thing I’d be really, really upset about losing is “Through Raphael’s Ring.” I just realized that I don’t have another copy of it sitting around anywhere. Not online. Not in email. Not sent to anyone yet because it’s not finished.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hanged Man.

Happy Jenn.

Got all of my documents and stuff back from Casey yesterday. Then, I spent half the day reloading all my programs and setting things up the way I like them. It’s amazing how much more comfortable I am now that I have MY computer, Albrecht, set up the way *I* like him. Also, having my cable modem working, too. Yes, yes. I know I’m like an addict.

Also, I got my Amazon.com order. Dark Crystal and the Dune soundtrack. I forgot how good Dark Crystal was. I got to watch it and how incredible Jim Henson (and his crew) were/are. Now, I’m on the look out for Jim Henson’s last creation: The Storyteller. I think he made six episodes.

Speaking of Dune, I’ve been on a real Dune kick lately. I’ve watched the movie, listened to the soundtrack and I’m reading the first book. It’s all because of that dream I had recently: Love & War. The ‘feel’ of the movie reminds me of the ‘feel’ of the dream. I don’t know why. Maybe because I feel like there is an epic story waiting for me to write it. It’s kind of like when Johanna’s characters leap up and beat her about the head and shoulders to write certain storylines.

I wonder if this is something all writers have. Conversations with their characters. Or characters who beat you up to write -their- stories rather than you writing your stories for them. There are people who look at me like I’m crazy when I talk about having conversations or even arguments with my characters. Then, there are those people who understand. More often or not, those people are writers, too.

Hmmmm. Perhaps you have to be a little crazy to be a writer and to hear the voices of your characters in your head.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords, Reversed.

Pondering Again.

Had lunch with Michael. It was nice. We chit-chatted about books, some movies, obsessions, his moving, his cats, work… you know, the whole stream-of-consciousness thing. Afterwards, I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some things. There was a guy there calling out “California Voter?” while everyone ignored him. I don’t know why, but I decided to stop and listen. I’m a California Voter, after all.

He told me about two initiatives that should go on the ballot. After I listened to him speak about both, I decided, yes, these should be voted on. So, I put my name down. (Yes, yes. I KNOW I’m going get TONS of political spam now.) As I was writing, the stalwart man continued to call out “California Voter?” everyone who passed. Everyone ignored him utterly. As if he was a homeless man begging for money. Actually worse. People at least keep a wary eye on homeless people as potiential threats.

Finally, he looked at me and asked, “Am I speaking English?”

“Yes.” I replied.

“Oh. OK. I guess I needed a reality check here.” He sighed softly.

I looked around at everyone and nodded. “I think a lot of us do. Good luck.” Then, I headed on to do my shopping. However, that little exchange stayed with me. It brought home to me just how lucky we, as Americans, are to be allowed to vote. Yet, at the same time, many Americans don’t vote. Feel like it’s a waste of their time. Then, they complain about the government all the same.

When I got home, I ended up online, chatting with Johanna. I suddenly remembered that she was not a citizen. That she could not vote. I wondered what she thought of it all.

ME: “If you could vote, would you?”

JOHANNA: “Yep. I gave poor Alex *hell* when he didn't get around to re-registering in time to vote, after we moved...”

ME: “Why would you vote?” (really curious)

JOHANNA: “Gosh, my English-ness is showing, because I remember that being a very personal question where I come from.... ...anyways... Because, since me and thee aren't part of a special interest group, it's our best chance to make our opinions and desires known to the government on all levels. Voting, letter writing and grass roots are the only method of political expression left to us.”

Wow. That is the most succient, well expressed reason I’ve heard for voting from someone my age. If I wasn’t already a voter, I would be now. It can be very enlightening to look at something, as fundamental to our way of life as voting, from an “outsider’s” point of view.

Then, we had a really interesting discussion on England’s political structure. I asked a great many questions.

Gosh, yes, people really do talk about things like that. *GRIN*

Excite@Home accidently (my address, my phone number, their name) sent me someone else’s offer letter… for the same position they wanted me for… at $18,000 MORE per year, base salary. Interesting… eh? I don’t know if I should be amused or outraged.

Right now, it’s making me VERY glad that I went with the company I did.

I really like AltaVista’s new ad slogan: “Smart is Beautiful.” It makes me smile.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Emperor, Reversed

Shifting Sands

Daylights Saving time again. Will you remember to set your clock back?

I’ve never liked DST. Ever. Here’s what I said about last year: April 4th: Daylights saving time! "Fall back, Spring forward" Set your clocks forward one hour. (Does anyone, besides me, think that this is an outdated, unnecessary custom?)

I STILL think it’s a useless, outdated custom. *grump*

Updated my “Journals I Read” page, deleted a couple of old journals, added a couple of new journals:

Journal of a Writing Man: (John) Journal of a man in England, now retired. Author and Poet. He is living the life I want to live when I reach his age. Pictures in each journal entry.

Memories of Fire: (Walkyr) An intense young man dealing with being in the military. It's interesting to watch him grown into his position and into himself.

Got to play Star Wars, “Tales of the Iridium Rose, last night. It was a really interesting, rather unexpected game. It looks like the group is going to split up unless my character can convince one of the other characters to join her and Yahnna on a rather dangerous but highly profitable (non-rebellion) mission against the Empire.

I was out WAY TOO LATE, standing in the cold until 3am, talking to the player of this character. We’ve pretty much come down to the agreement point: If we can contact a rebel cell to get a message back to HQ and he can get the time ‘off’, he will do it.

That’s the best I could do.

Tarot Card for the Day: Temperance