October 2005

Two Week Summary
All my guests have gone home now and I am sad. Next time, it will be my turn to visit them. For Heather and Chris, most likely, I'll see them early next year. For Ice, it will be more than a year. He and I seem to visit each other every two years or so. I wish we lived closer. I do. He really makes me think and choose my words carefully. That is, when he's not telling stories about the women he's dated or someone almost throwing up on some (VIP) person's shoes. I like the balance. Most of the time, we're laid back and casual. But, when he gets that look and tone of voice, I know we're going to be discussing something important to him.

There is a really good chance that Heather and Chris will be moving up here in a year or so. The idea of it makes me very happy. I get along with them very well. Heather and I have an understanding and friendship that is very rare for me. I don't get along with women that often. I'm not sure why. Just know is.

We didn't do any touristy things. No time, really. It's ok. The purpose of the visit was for us to see each other. I forgot that Ice calls me Kitty. No one else does. But, because it is him and I recognize his voice and such, I respond to it like it's my real name. Obviously, Ice is not his real name. It's just what we called him in college. It was the whole Den Mother thing. My handle was not Kitty, though. I'm not sure where he got that from. Maybe from my email address. It's ok. I still like it and he's been calling me that for years.

As an aside, I told Google "No thanks." For now, anyway. They didn't want to talk to me about becoming a Product Manager and I'm not ready to shift to a new QA job - especially one that requires coding. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get past the interview stage anyway because of the coding questions.

On the bright side, because of the SQL Query class I just took, I know a lot more about SQL queries and how they relate to my job. That makes it all the more interesting.

This last week has been an interesting one for me in writing terms. Maybe I should do a weekly writing synopsis like M'ris does. Nah. This was just an unusually busy week.

1. Strange Horizons rejected "The Komatsu."

2. Savvy Insider made my article on debt free living the finance feature for last week.

3. Savvy Insider then made my article on acting like a grown up the finance feature for this week AND made my article on first dates with someone you meet from online the main feature article for this week.

4. Ryan and I talked and I get to write two more story ends for the (still unnamed) Fate project.

5. I posted a call for submission for Grants Pass on Ralan and I'm now receiving stories. I'm terribly excited about this.

6. Voracity Beat picked up my poem "Fear" for next month's issue I believe and has requested a short story from me. I'm pondering my erotic Christmas ghost story in the Kendrick universe called "Hall of Mirrors" for it.

7. Finally, I'm waiting to hear from Black Gate if they accepted my review of "Four and Twenty Blackbirds" for Issue #9. I hope so.

The House of Hands? Oh, erm. Well. It's still in the works. Really. I'll get back to it soon. After I do the two story ends. Or, maybe before then. I really do need to finish it. I know.

As much as I liked having my friends around and I already miss them, I'm really looking forward to my alone time. Time just for me to do whatever the heck I want to do without interacting with people in a familiar way. Things like reading, watching movies, writing or doing one of my myriad of little projects: the Dream tome; Project Dead Tree (printing out and organizing all my writing); the Purge - Take 2: The bedroom. The list goes on. I have not had any alone time for a week and suddenly, I have this urge to do all sorts of projects/chores that, essentially, I must do alone.

I guess this goes alone with my dislike of "people." I like and enjoy the company of individuals. But, get me in a crowd and I am uncomfortable. It feels like too many egos are beating against mine for the spotlight, demanding attention from me that I do not wish to give. Not to mention the phenomena of the mob mentality sinking to the lowest common denominator. I don't like my emotions being sway by the current prevailing emotion. You don't think this is true? Go to a live sporting event. You'll be chanting along with "your" side in no time.

I think my need/desire for company versus my need/desire for solitude runs about 45%-55% in favor of solitude. If I don't get enough solitude to recharge, I know I get grumpy and snappish. I don't like me very much when I'm like that and I can't imagine it's much fun for the people around me. In any case, tonight, I have a date with a book and a movie and nothing else.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Pentacles

Mid-Life Muddle
I am beginning to think that I am going through some sort of "mid-life crisis" thing and have been for about four to five months. I don't know if I'm early for such a thing or not but I know I have been questioning my life and my profession for most of that time. I guess the crux of the pondering that be summed up as "I don't think I want to remain in the tech sector anymore. I'm not really happy with things as they are." Maybe it's just a mid-life muddle.

I honestly can't say that I -dislike- where I am working now. Really. It is pretty laid back, it's got a good VPN set up and I can do the job I was hired to do. I'm also learning all sorts of interesting stuff about SQL queries and databases. I even had a good chat this afternoon with the guy who hired me who was supposed to be my boss but got outvoted. He asked me how things were going and I honestly told him things are going well enough. I'm not thrilled about the bullpen set up that we are all moving to at the end of the month but he was very enthusiastic about the idea of me getting Japanese screens or a beaded curtain thing to minimize the distraction factor.

That all said, I can't tell you how many times I have pondered quitting my job and selling my house in order to become a barista in recent weeks.

However, I do have a hefty mortgage to pay. Thus, I do need a job that makes a certain amount a month. Or roommates. Or both. I happen to have both right now. Or, I could finally decide (for definitely certain... maybe) that owning a home really isn't for me and sell it next year during the prime real estate market time. This, of course, would require that I move. Which, of course, I hate doing but will have to do if I sell my condo. The condo that I love but is currently very expensive to live in.

Ok. So, the condo (to sell or not) is a separate issue. The main issue, I suppose, is what do I want to do with myself if I leave the tech sector?

A friend, Glenn, was talking about a 'fantastic' opportunity as an insurance adjuster in flood regions that could net me as much as I would need in a yearly salary in 2-3 months. However, it would also involve me traveling to live in the south for those 2-3 months. I think I want to hear about his experience with this before I give that sort of thing a try. It sounds interesting and would allow me to have 8-9 months "free" to write for the rest of the year.

I could go look into those State and County openings to see if any of them appeal. The problem with this is the fact that I don't know enough about these types of jobs to know if I'd like them. I've been pondering a 911 operator job or a police dispatch job or, heck, working at the DMV. The benefits of a State/County job are job security and benefits. It's not great work but it is the kind of job that you leave when you go home.

I have thought of getting retrained as a dental assistant or a paralegal. Mostly because I know both jobs are in demand and are vaguely interesting to me. Sometimes, I ponder the idea of working in private investigation. Again, it is something that sounds interesting to me. I wonder what kind of training you need to become a licensed psychologist.

I suppose I don't have to leave the tech sector altogether. I could get back into contracting for a year or so. That would keep me at a salary I want while giving me escape options if I need them. Alternately, I could go back into straight game testing again. I really enjoyed game testing. It was a lot of fun to me. It was also a job I could leave at the office when I left. It doesn't pay a lot but I really liked it.

What I really need is a career type counselor person to talk to. Someone to talk to about the issues I'm having now and what to do about them or where to direct my career change search towards. I've been in QA/Test for almost 12 years now. I think I want something new. I just don't know what. I really don't want to go from a high paying job that I'm not happy with to a low paying job that I'm not happy with. Just doesn't make sense to me.

With my luck, everyone I would talk to would tell me I'm insane for wanting to get out of the tech sector; that most people are trying to go the other way. It's true. However, I do know of a friend of mine who couldn't keep a job during the Dot Bomb, retrained as a dental assistant, and has never wanted for a job since.

Meh. I'm not sure what I want except for someone to pay me for being me. Guess I'll go pay my math tax so I can at least dream of not working a 9-to-5 job.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Pentacles, Inverted

Estate Planning Blues
I have found a lawyer I'm willing to do business with on this estate planning stuff that I recently realized I needed to do. She sent me a 15 page document to fill put before our official appointment that I haven't actually scheduled yet. This is a document that I probably should not fill out while PMSing. However, as I have started this thing, I can't just stop doing it in the middle. Though, I am going to hold off for a day or two.

My thoughts have gone something like this: 'Ok, I have a financial adviser. That won't be a problem. Life insurance agent? Do I have one of those? Um, I don't think so. Where are all my important documents stored? Um... currently all over the stupid place. I can't even find half of them right now. I know where my birth certificate is, my car title and some stock.... but no clue on the passport and... Damn. I really do have to go get that waterproof, fireproof safe now. Or a safety deposit box. Which do I want to do? Lose the combination to the safe or lose the key to the box? I think I'll go with lockbox. Which means I need to... Guardian 1, 2 and 3 for pets? Oh. Oh, dear. Esme. What will happen to Esme? She really should go to someone who does not have small kids or other pets. Ok. That lets out 95% of the people I know. This is going to be hard.'

*Short couple of IM conversations later*

'Damn! Ok. Those two said no. Now what? Who is going to take care of my little wench of a princess cat? I can't think of anyone else. Oh, I don't want her to go back into foster care. I don't. They may put her down as a danger because of the biting when over stimulated.' Of course, the princess cat picks this time to come over and head butt my shoulder for attention. I pick her up for a cuddle and am suddenly crying. I don't know why but I'm suddenly feeling very rejected because no one wants to take care of my kitty if something happens to me. I know why they said no. All of it is very understandable. It didn't make me feel any less rejected.

I ended up putting out a call on LJ asking for someone who will care for my kitty if I die. I got one surprise result and one not surprise result. It's made me relax a bit. I know my kitty will be taken care of. Plus, I'm going to add a trust for her so the person who will take her on won't have to pay for everything himself.

Still, this estate planning stuff is nerve wracking. I want everything to go well. I have talked to my sister about becoming executor and I still have to find a back up for her. Then, there are the personal letters to write to stay with the will. Hard decisions on the Living Will. Again, it looks like my sister will have power of attorney there. My mom specifically told me not to put her or dad first because, most likely, they will not outlive me.

(Now, there's a happy thought. I don't always get along with my parents. That much it true. But think have changed. In fact, I haven't fought with them for a long, long time. Ever since we came to an agreement on allowing me to find my own religious path, we haven't fought at all. So, the thought... the knowledge... that there is a very good chance that my parents will die not only before me but within the next 10 years fills me with a profound sadness that I have a hard time verbalizing. Time to digress.)

As hard as this is for me, I seem to also be stirring up uncomfortable feelings in some of my friends. We would all like to think that we are 10 feet tall and bulletproof; young and immortal. It's hard to officially and legally acknowledge that we aren't. I really have it easy. My biggest problem is wondering what will happen to my cat and can I get all the important documents I have in the right place. I cannot imagine what this would be like if I had children. My God! Finding Godparents for children? That has to be one of the worst decisions a parent has to make.

On the other hand, I know this is very important. I know that that are certain things I want to go to certain people, no doubt. There are a significant amount of assets that need to be wrapped up that I do not want to be gobbled up by the State because I was too lazy, distracted or ignorant to fill out this paperwork. A condo, a car, investments, stock certificates and a healthy savings account to start. Then, all of my toys - computer stuff, entertainment stuff, all my books, DVDs, etc... When I think about it, the list is huge and it makes me want to start giving away things left and right.

If I had a live-in SO whom I considered a spouse, no matter what gender, I would need to make sure they were in both the Last Will and the Living Will. Otherwise, if the worst care scenario happened, they would not be allowed to see me or to inherit anything from me because we didn't have that paper declaring us legal spouses. How sad that would be for both of us. Also, let us not forget the option of organ donation and medical experimentation after death. Both of which, by the way, I will be doing.

I know why this is making me (and probably everyone I talk to about it) uncomfortable. This whole process shows me just how unprepared I am for my possible death. The lack of prepared good-byes. The work I need to do to set that all up. It's about hard choices and seriously thinking about the possibility of death. It's about deciding who will get your beloved possessions after you are gone. It's about whether or not I (or you) will leave a lasting mark on this world of ours. I know I want to with my writing.

It's hard to convince yourself that it will all be OK in the end because you will be gone. I want to live until I'm at least 300 years old. I want to have the body of a 30 year old for that entire time. But, what I want and what will be are definitely two very different things. So, ever the planner, I am starting to do what I can to wrap it all up. By the end of this, I hope I will have a new peace of mind to know that all of this "stuff" is dealt with. That my friends and family will benefit when I'm gone.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Pentacles