NOVEMBER 1998

Sunday. Yesterday was a nice day. I spent an hour on the phone to my Mom. She's back from seeing my sister, Shannon and her baby, Emily. Emily is doing OK, but Mom will be going out to care for her from Nov. 14th until Dec. 12th, missing Thanksgiving and my (and my brother's) birthday. This means Dad is going to be very maudlin on Thanksgiving and I will be doing all the cooking. My father is the biggest sentimentalist of the family. I'm pretty sentimental but Dad takes it to an artform and usually ends up in tears with me blubbering beside him. I love my parents dearly. I am usually lucky to have such good parents. (And I can say this, and mean it, now that I'm an adult. *grin*)

Spent the morning doing last minute set up stuff for the death of my character, Marlena. I've been playing her for 10 months. She is a part of me. It will be sad to let her go. But, it will be a relief, too. I had to write up the description of her dead body and the description of her last few seconds, fighting for her life and losing that her bonded true love will sense/feel/hear. Terry doesn't know that Marlena is going to die. The closest I've come to telling him is that "something major is going to happen that will have a profound affect on both of our characters and will give him a great opportunity for stretching his acting talents." His response to that was: "That bad, huh?"

After that, I went to see John Carpenter's "Vampires." - it was a silly movie but fun. A 'stop-at-the-back-of-the-eyeballs' film. James Woods did a good job as a modern day Vatican-sponsored, vampire-slaying Crusader. Then, we all (Me, Greg, David, Casey, Mary) all headed back to Elysium to pig out and watch movies. The last "Nightmare" movie by Wes Craven was surprisingly good. It was more cerebral than gore. Don't get me wrong, there was a lot of blood. Then, we watched some Japanese Amination and rounded out the evening watching the original 1922 silent version of "Nosferatu." It was interesting and must have been quite the movie in its day. It seemed very long to me, but had a good score. It was a nice, sedate Halloween.

Makes me wonder if I'm getting old. I enjoy 'quiet' evenings with friends, instead of going out and "partying." I like to party on rare occassions but not enough to make a habit of it. *hmmm* 6 weeks and I'll be 28. Yeah, I think I'm getting old.

Thought for the Day: A joke from my Mom: "You know you're getting old when you can do without sex, but you can't do without your glasses." (Thanks, Mom. I think we just crossed that line from sharing into OVER sharing.)

Monday. Ding dong, Marlena of Bedlam's Rest is dead. *sigh* There is a bit of a mourning process that goes with the death of a character that you have played for almost a year.

I will miss 'being' Marlena Whittaker. A lot. However, I have to admit that if my character had to die, this was a perfect way of doing so. Her death had meaning (IE: plot advancement) and it affected a lot of characters. It was rather gratifying to see so many people affected deeply. Four people frenzied (Vampire lingo for 'completely losing it.') on the notice that Marlena had been murdered. It really got people up in arms.

The Plotline: Cassius, Rachel's husband, had been taken over by vissitude and was murdering people - eating their souls for lunch. Your basic bughunt. (Rachel was Marlena's Sire.) Two NPCs (Non-player characters), neonates died in a strange fashion. People were concerned but not particularly up in arms about it. Then, at 9:10pm, Marlena died. She had a bond with her lover, Janos, who got to experience the last 23 seconds of her life. Yep. Marlena died that quickly. It was very cool how Marlena's death really affected people in a big way.

Now, it's not over. Marlena knew her Sire was betraying her and set up a 'just in case' mail drop. *smile* A lot of people will be getting a very interesting letter, very soon. Not to mention, her estate has to be settled.

The coolest thing was that I have a new character. Alexia Vanderbilt, Marlena's long standing ghoul for the last 15 years was there. I played her after Marlena's death so I'd have something to do. Alexia was obviously in shock at the death of her Domitor and very aware that she was a gold fish in a pond filled with parana. Janos, once he discovered she was there, took her under his wing and 1/3 bonded her to him. She is a living part of Marlena. And basically, he asked OOCly if I wanted Alexia embraced as a Tremere. It's a good idea. I did not know what else I was going to play. It will be cool to play a brand new kindred.

Thought for the Day: "I love it went a plan comes together!"

Tuesday. Still mourning the loss of my character but, doing OK over all. People are now coming to me and telling me all about the plots against Marlena. It's amazing. Some of my perceptions were right on and some where so totally off. Still it's a lot to fun to know how much Marlena affected people. *grin*

Voted today! I hope you did, too.

Speaking of politics, the politics at work are heating up again. It's a little disturbing since QA seems to be a tugging point on both sides. I'm ducking for cover as is.

Thought for the Day: "The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering." - Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"

Wednesday. Had some quality time with Rhysanus last night. It was very cool. I've missed him. I've been working so hard lately. Also, last night was a good night for seeing good friends, too. Talisman returned from a LONG absense. I missed talking to him. I'm glad he's doing so much better. I wish I could get my head together like that. Also, saw Darkholm. Great conversation. I was telling him about some roleplay that eden was going to get into, involving a kidnapping (you know, my favorite fetish) and he told me he wished he was doing the kidnapping! Stunned the hell out of me. 2 years of friendship and this is the first time he's showed any interest like that in me. In any case, it was a very good night - seeing my three most favorite men online.

Remember I was saying that the politics at work were heating up? *shudder* I think it will hit the boiling point during the meeting tomorrow. I'm considering being 'sick' so I don't have to deal with it. I hate office politics.

On the LARP front, things are getting fun with my soon-to-be new Tremere character, Alexia. Starting the RP the lead in to her Embrace and discovered that people are lining up to screw with her. Marlena's sire, the hunter who was after Marlena, some of Janos' enemies... It will be a very entertaining time, I'm suspecting.

Thought for the Day:
"Passion, reason, custom, rules
Creeds of the churches, lore of the schools
Taint in the blood and strength of soul
Flesh too strong for the will's control
Poverty, riches, pride of birth
Wailing, laughter, o'er the earth
Here I have you caught again?
Enter my web, ye sons of men."
- Edgar Lee Masters

Thursday. *growl* *snarl* *bounce* Huh?? Well, I walked in this morning filled with fire and brimstone - cranky as all get out. I've decided to take a stand against the political BS that all the VPs are dishing out. I'm tired of QA being a tugging point in the political battle. So, I told Fred that not only was I not going the meeting (that I wasn't invited to in the first place but he wanted me to go), but I was going to start chomping on people about office politics. The QA process is set - yes, they can discuss it all they want but what they will end up with is a list of SUGGESTIONS for my consideration and approval. I spent a good 30 minutes chewing on Fred about the situation. I have totally had it. Much to my pleasure, Fred agreed with me. *smile* On all of it. He's still going to go to this meeting but he's also going to tell them his and my opinion of the situation. It really took me from my feisty, 'beat 'em all up' mood to a very good bouncy mood.

I've been thinking about how good and generous people seem to be the happiest people around. I really believe that good perpetuates good. I've been thinking on how being sick has made me so crabby lately and I don't want to be crabby. I want to be happy, generous and good. It's something I'm going to resolve to do. Smiling also makes me feel good. We'll try to do more of that, too.

Thought for the Day: What goes around, comes around. - the 3 fold law. Do something nice for someone today.

Friday. Well, it finally happened. Someone close to me accidently found my online diary. (Hello Johanna. *smile*) For a moment, I was absolutely frightened that she was going to hate me... but then, I realized, I had nothing to be ashamed of. She and I have had our spats, and we will certainly continue to have our spats.

Then came the decision. What to do about it? Finally, I realized that I shouldn't do anything at all. This diary is for me and I am going to have to assume that my friends - the ones close to me that I will be writing about - will be reading it. If they want to know what I'm thinking, great. If they don't, great to. Still, I would like to keep my diary URL quiet.

Planning to go see Rob in "The Tempest" tonight. He's got the lead, Prospero. I love Rob to pieces but some days, his ego gets the best of him. Still, I do want to see what he's like on stage. I've always admired his roleplaying talents. Now, I'll finally get to see his acting talents.

Thought for the Day: Every action has it's consequence.

Saturday. Didn't make it to "The Tempest." Everyone flaked, didn't feel well, etc... and I didn't want to go by myself. So, I spent the evening with Terry and Kat, eating pizza and watching "Devil's Advocate." That is such a great movie.

Went shopping yesterday. They had velvets on sale!! Yeah! Spent way too much but I'm not particularly worried. The coolest thing about shopping for one of your characters is that you get to keep the clothes for yourself afterwards. *hehehe* Silly, but it's a great excuse for some awesome clothing.

Thought for the Day: Shopping is a Good Thing(TM).

Sunday. Had a *great* time last night. I wore my new black velvet dress, put on make up, curled my hair and everything. I was real girl! *laugh* It was so nice to get the compliments. And I was flirting up a storm with everyone. Just because I could. I really enjoyed flirting with Brent. *mmmm* He and I have sorta known each other for a while now - only meeting in game. I wonder if he's single *ponder* Well, even if he isn't, I did enjoy the attention.

Had a really interesting dream this morning, too. I've been spending a lot of time talking about Raves with Terry. I've never been to one but I want to go but I'm feeling a bit shy. They sound like a cross between an awesome dance and a spiritual experience. In any case, I dreamed that there was a techoshaman DJ at the Rave that I was going too. Only, he was evil. He was planning to have the Ravers build the energy for him and then he was going to steal it. I'm not sure how I knew. But there were a lot of MTV-esq scenes of the DJ setting things up and a lot of fire. The images reminded me of the end of Devil's Advocate when Lucifer is in flames. When he paused, getting ready to begin the dance, I leapt to the stage and gave this impressive speech about how we'd all come to have a good time, to generate the energy and to release it for good, but this DJ was going to steal it from them. Steal it for evil and we had to stop him. Once his plan was revealed, he morphed into this horrible demon. Everyone panicked and fled. I was left to fight the demon on my own - or so I thought. Terry showed up with several friends. They fought the demon while he got me out of there, telling me that I was not ready for that yet but I had proven myself worthy of the training that was to come. That's when I woke up. It was a very cool dream.

Thought for the Day: Who is dreaming of me?

Monday. Spent a nice lazy day doing next to nothing yesterday. Did talk to Karen on the IM. She's pretty cool. We talked about Brent. Apparently she knows him pretty well and is going to find out his status for me. *cool* At least I'll know.

Karen wants me to start going out with her and some of her friends. I'm flattered but, a little leery of being cast into the role of "the fat friend." She is 5'3" and all of 100 pounds with long blond hair. Absolutely beautiful. I'm 5'8" and no where near slender. I was an outrageous flirt last night because I was comfortable with my friends. I just don't know if I could do the bar scene.

It's nice, though, to make new friends. She and I do get along well.

Thought of the Day: Beauty is 1/2 attitude.

Tuesday. Got a call from S-S. I'm interviewing with them tomorrow. At this point, I'm willing to learn QA Partner and automated testing. If they want to hire me, I'm so there! Maybe I'll give a week's notice. Right now, I'm so furious, I can barely type - which means I probably shouldn't be writing this but dammit! I am pissed. Fucking Bitch VP of Support, Joice, told our two new engineers, "Oh, we sort of have a QA person, sort of." And one of them made that comment in our Developement staff meeting. "Joice told me that we sort of have a QA person. I guess that's you." Both Fred and Jay just shrugged it off, saying that they know the truth. But hell, a VP of one department is making public statements about my performance to new hires!

Thought for the Day: You know that story about the straw that broke the camel's back? ... I think this is it.

Wednesday. Well, yesterday didn't get any better. In fact, I had a *horrible* argument with Rob over game stuff. It was pretty bad. Still is for the moment, too. I think it's going to take a little simmering down on this one.

The SPIF munch wasn't too bad. I visited with a lot of people, including Greg, David, Casey and Mary who were all hiped about their new home, soon to be named, "Rental 3.0" because the new place is a Clome. (Clone Home).

On the other hand... I had the most awesome interview at S-S today. I really like the place, spoke with the guy who would be my boss for an hour and I'm supposed to go back on Friday to meet the rest of the team. It will be interesting if I get it. I will be learning Automated testing with QA Partner and such. I figure I'll be a lot busier, too. Not a lot of time online. The best things so far, shorter commute and NO Support department or clients to deal with! Yeah!

Thought for the Day: Some days, you just gotta take a chance.

Thursday. Well, seems Rob and I tentatively not fighting anymore but it does seem that he's decided that since I did, in fact, chew on him about the game, he's seriously considering ditching it all together, siting that no one appreciates all the work he puts into the game. All he hears is whining, bitching and complaining. He states that he hates the gamer mentality. I just listened to him because I can understand where he is coming from. After the first of the year, I will not longer be hostessing the SPIF munch anymore because of all the bitching I get. However, Rob does forget the compliments given to him about the game. I know I have complimented him several times but that's not enough. I will not encourage or discourage him to continue Bedlam's Rest if he is not enjoying it. I am a firm believer that if your play is no longer fun, it's time to change it. We will see what happens.

I added all of my Marlena Whittaker stories to my website last night: Jumping the Gun (Marlena screwing up and the consequences), Rituals of the Heart (Marlena and Janos' first bonding, The Death of Marlena Whittaker (The story of what really happened that night), and a new poem: Roleplay? (A sweet little poem inspired by all the flirting done on Saturday during the San Gabriel game.)

Thought for the Day: Sometimes you're the windowshield. Sometimes you're the bug.

Friday the 13th! Whee. Never had a bad one and I hope I don't break my streak yet. I have my second interview with S-S this afternoon. Wish me luck! *smile* I hope it goes well.

Almost had a heartattack yesterday. Somehow, John, my sister's husband found one of my diary URLs. I haven't told my family about them at all because I don't think they could handle the truth about my private life very well. As I told my sister, "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the honest answer too... and there is a lot of honesty in those pages." Fortunately, Shannon did not realize that they were public pages. She thought it was just my way of keeping up a journal... which, in essence, is correct.

I don't think I've actually mentioned my parents, my brother and my sister too much in my diary. Let me tell you a little bit about them. My entire family is now born again. Each has rediscovered God and religion in the last 3-5 years and hence, have become incredibly conservative. Yes, this makes me the blacksheep of the family. I am not Christain, nor religious - however, I am very spiritual. I believe in God. I often talk to him. I just don't believe that a mortal man can speak for Him. Therefore, I prefer the one on one with Him.

So, having my family read my online diary would lead them to my *ahem* pages and all my RL experiences. There are just somethings that family just does not need to know about. I love my family. I allow them to worship as they wish. Most days, they allow the same for me. Most days. Then there are the days that I cut my visits short. I do not think my family will ever truly understand me.

Oh yes, met a new friend on ICQ yesterday. (Hello Nick.) He seems to admire my writing a great deal. It was flattering in a weird sort of way. I'm glad I can affect people so deeply with my written word.

Thought for the Day: No good deed goes unpunished. :)

Saturday. Friday night's Shadowrun game was pretty fun. We solved our objective without firing a single shot and ended up about $77K richer, each. (If you've not played Shadowrun - that's a near impossible thing to do.) All in all, we had a very good evening.

And that was on top of a 4 hour interview at S-S. This is the first place where they scheduled one hour for each interviewer. I have to say that I really like the place. It would VERY challenging. These people are so smart, it's scary. I like that. Also, they are so open about Alternative Lifestyles: Poly, BDSM, Bi, Gay, etc... In fact, I was invited to a poly party by two of the interviewers. Always a good sign. And the last interviewer, the QA Manager of the Tools group, (I'd be the QA lead of the Systems group) was wearing leather pants, blue nail polish and a button that said, "Definitely & Creatively Disturbed." How cool is that! And finally, as I left, he told me, "Well, I'm certainly going to recommend that we hire you." I was very pleased. I should hear on Monday or Tuesday.

Thought for the Day: Good things come to those who take a chance.

Sunday. Well, we really got Rich. He was completely shocked. It was great surprise birthday party. I will be going with Rich to get a tattoo for him. I'll probably get some of more of my work done, too.

Still, as I enjoyed myself at the party, I found myself dealing with a small bit of discontent. Many couples were there together, though, most not obviously so. I found myself drawn to Brian again. I'm not sure what on earth attracts me to him. He's thick as a brick at times, very loud and obnoxious. Still, he's funny, well meaning, smart and good looking. I'm sure if he and I ever dated, he would drive me bananas.

But now, he's asking me about SPIF again. He wants to start coming to it. Looking for play partners. I've half a mind to offer myself as a play partner. I know he's a masochist but I'm not sure about the Top/bottom situation in D/s. Johanna highly recommends him as a lover. *shrug* I don't know. We will see what we will see.

Thought for the Day: Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I do another drive by?

Monday. Had a rather pleasant evening over at Johanna and Alex's last night. We all met up with Rob, Lisa and Seth to watch the latest episode of "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer." A very good episode. I enjoyed myself most of the evening.

Driving home was a little different. Late at night when you are all alone in the car with only the radio and yourself for company, one tends to review the evening. Especially the unpleasant parts.

The careless word can break the soul. I was reminded of that like one is reminded not to cross the street without looking for cars just as one is blindsided by a mack truck. The conversation went somthing like this:
Johanna: Isn't Brook going to make it?
Alex: Nah. I talked to him earlier. I think he had a date or something.
Johanna: Oh?
Alex: Yeah. We were talking and he asked me "So, will there be any single women there?" I told him, "Well, just Jenn." He said, "Oh. I already know her." Then he told me that he probably won't come because it was bad of him to only be interested in coming just to hit on the single females.

I felt my heart stop and my smile freeze on my face as the other guests glanced at me. I wondered if my smile looked as plastic as it felt. Quickly, I shoved all my feelings aside and concentrated on the conversation, which, thankfully, had meandered onto another topic. I wonder if Alex knows he stabbed me in the heart with his comments? Probably not. I know he was not trying to hurt me. But he did hurt me. Shredded my ego and broke my soul.

As I thought about the snippet of conversation, the center of my chest tightened, like someone squeezing my heart and then I felt the tears come unbidden like the first sprinkles, warning of the coming storm. I felt them course down my face, down my neck and into the valley of my breasts, then bleed into my bra, giving it a damp feeling. I thought of it as blood from the wound in my heart.

Then I noticed a sound. A soft whine, almost. That's when I realized that my silent tears had become soft sobs of pain. I had no choice but to let the storm take me. Wracking sobs that sounded like a wounded animal and tears that blurred my eyes so I could barely see the road. I'm not sure how long I cried like that. Sounds of pure lonliness and despair clashing with the love songs on the radio.

Slowly, I stopped. The tears slowed and dried on my face. I turned off the radio and listened to the car. I felt so empty inside. Broken, useless, ugly, hurt, worthless. My friends... male single friends, who talk to me about being lonly and wanting someone, did not think of me good enough to even consider dating.

"Oh. I know her already." That statement makes me so mad. He doesn't know me. When he looks at me, he doesn't SEE me. He sees what he expects to see. I'm like your favorite fabric friend that you turn to in times of need, pain and lonliness. You cry your tears, wetting my fur, then, when you feel better, you toss me in a corner. Alone and forgotten. Never noticing the tears that I shed.

Dammit. I have so much to offer someone. Loyal to a fault, loving, caring, generous, responsible, fun loving, willing to listen and to compromise. I'm not perfect but no one is. Still, no one is willing to give me the chance.

I turn 28 in 3 weeks. Tonight was the first night that I suddenly realized that my fear of being alone forever might actually come true. I don't want to be alone... but, I just might have to be. It certainly put a damper on the evening for me.

I remember walking into the house, tears dried on my face. It itched but I left the tear trails there... maybe to prove to myself that on some level I existed. I went and sat in my comfy chair and watched the screen saver on my monitor for a while. Then, I got up and checked my email, taking solace in the long standing habit.

I don't know what I'm going to do but something has to change.

Thought for the Day: Just Jenn

Tuesday. OK. I'm feeling better today. S-S called, wanted my references. They've told me all about the benefits package, etc. All I'm waiting for now is the official offer letter from them. I'm pretty excited about it but at the same time, I'm feeling really guilty about leaving STS. *sigh* Can't win for losing.

On the other hand, saw a rainbow on the way to work. It really cheered up my spirits. I love rainbows. This was a bright one, too.

Treasure read my poem, "Just Jenn," yesterday and immediately called me. He was very concerned. We're going to try to have dinner sometime this week. It will be nice to see him.

Greg and I talked online. (Yeah, yeah, we could have picked up the phone and called voice. Hey, we're geeks.) He's tentatively approached me as third in a triad with him and David. I was very flattered, a little surprised and a little intrigued. I don't know. I'm going to have to think about this and talk to Greg face to face. Scary thought. *smile*

Thought for the Day: What do you see when you look at a rainbow?

Wednesday. Had a huge fight with Nick yesterday. I was tired of all the conversation about sex. I don't think he'll be talking to be anymore. *sigh* How come people do not understand that you cannot truly know a person until you meet them face to face? Until then... it's text. There's no body language. No eye contact. No touch or smell. They are not real until they are there in front of you. Until then... they are a story. A fantasy.

Also, I got the offer from S-S. Wow. It's a nice one. I accepted it. I told Jay... gave him a week notice. He was a bit upset, understandibly but he didn't give me a guilt trip. He wanted me to go to the seminar but not to tell anyone else. I felt awful for that. I could not look Fred in the face all day and not tell him. So, I ditched the seminar. I'll deal with it all tomorrow.

Thought for the Day: Each day, we take a fork in the road. A choice of Life.

Thursday. Nervous, a little about telling Fred and the rest of the company about me leaving. Lots of guilt involved. Jay hasn't even looked at me this morning. *sigh* These next 5 days will suck. A lot.

Both Dad and Treasure bailed on going to go see "The Tempest" tonight with me. So, it looks like I'm doing the solo thing. No biggie. It would have been nicer to go with a friend but life happens. Work comes first and all that.

Saw an awful accident on the way to work. It must have just happened. About 10 cars were parked to the side of the road. There was one car, in the middle of the 3rd lane, with the front top of the car crushed. I know someone was still inside because two or three people were talking into what was left of the window, while they were trying to pry open the back door. I said a prayer for them. I felt someone needed to. I got the tingly feeling when I did. I hope that's a good sign.

Thought for the Day: Success is attitude with a plan.

Friday. I've been reading a couple of journals on a regular basis. Good ones that I recommend:
Regan's Dairy - a friend of mine who writes almost daily.
Asylum - Someone I identify with on a surface level. We have many things in common it seems.
Toasted Spiral - A woman in the San Francisco bay area who has an interesting insight.
(Under) the Pink - a woman with MPD and more ups and downs than a rollercoaster. Interesting reading. Makes me thankful for my life.

They announced my leaving today. Lots of sad faces. I feel bad but they are happy for me. They are taking me out to lunch today. That's very sweet of everyone. I will be having an exit interview with the top dog next week. I'm going to let him know some of the major things I've been seeing - esp. about Joice. She's completely killed the morale of the Support department.

Went and saw Rob in "The Tempest." He really wasn't too bad. In fact, he was pretty good. I could tell, though, that his voice was hoarse from the yelling and that he was a little 'off' on energy. And that was the first thing he said to me when I saw him after the play. The girl who played Ariel was fantastic. She outshone the rest by far. Still, Rob was so happy to see me there.

Thought for the Day: "O brave new world that hath such people in it!" - Miranda, "The Tempest."

Saturday. Whoo-boy. Good setup ShadowRun game last night. Shauna started incorporating My/Mist's dreams into the campaign. I have a feeling that things are going to get very, very interesting now.

Have a Diachi game tonight. I'll be meeting up with Kat, Terry and Brian first. I'm excited about playing Delphi. I really need to sit down and think about her, so I can actually write up some of her stories.

Thought for the Day: To thine own self be true.

Sunday. Well, the Diachi game went fairly well. I got my one goal accomplished (boot the current Toreador council member off and put Jade Ivory in her place) but I also managed to contract a demonic disease. About 10 of us did. Joy, oh joy. We'll see what happens in downtime.

Meeting up with Rich and the Tremere clan for the San Gabriel game to go over all the changes to Vampire: The Masquerade, 3rd edition. Should be interesting. I'm also going chew on my neonates for screwing up. *hehehe* Roleplay is so much fun.

Thought for the Day: Be careful... the toes you step on today may be connected to the butt you will be kissing tomorrow.

Monday. Three days and counting. Going to do my Exit interview soon. A candid commentary on the changes that have occurred in the company since joining. This is a conversation that would have occurred sooner or later (probably sooner) even if I had not been leaving the company. Hopefully, it will help.

It was all windy this morning. I love wind storms. They make me feel... powerful, alive. I've always felt this way. I remember when I was at UP, I would go to the Bluff, just to feel the wind around me. Somedays, I would imagine that I was flying. It was such a feeling of freedom. Then, I would open my eyes and realize I was still on the ground. Still, I always felt better.

Thought of for the Day: "Hawk on the wind, sing songs in their freedom."

Tuesday. Had a first last night. I went out to dinner with Mike and Jane. Had not seen them in a while. We got pulled over by a cop because Mike "rolled through" a stop sign. I think the cops were bored. In any case, I've never been in a car when the driver was given a ticket. I was in the backseat and I happened to glance to my right and saw the cop's partner standing there, hand on his gun. Suddenly, I felt like I was in a rerun of that horrible show "COPS." Part of me wanted to laugh. Part of me was unnerved. If Mike, Jane or I made the wrong move, we could be arrested or shot. It felt surreal. The cop bade us, "Have a better night." as he left. Mike was furious about the ticket but figured he could go to traffic school.

It reminded me of the one time that I was pulled over by a cop. 6 years ago, almost to the day. I was supposed to be meeting my boyfriend at resturaunt after I got off work. It had been a hard night. It was also during that period of time where I was taking 21 credit units to graduate and working 40 hours a week. I don't remember much of that time except that I was stressed. Well, wires got crossed and my boyfriend left the resturaunt before I got there. Furious at him, I realized that since I was so new to driving and the area, I had no clue how to get home. I drove along the main street of Castro Valley and suddenly realized that I did not have enough gas to get home. I pulled into a BP station and was horrified to find it closed. I only had $5 on me and my BP credit card. That's when I looked up and saw the red and blue lights of a screamie-blinkie (cop car) in my rearview mirror. My first thought was "Oh fuck, how long has that been there." My second thought was, "What did I do wrong? Ohmygod, am I in trouble?" (I had had my license for all of 2 months.)

The cop came to my window as I rolled it down and the conversation went something like this:
ME: What did I do wrong?
COP: (In an obvious good mood) What did you do wrong? *big smile* I'll tell you what you did wrong, you're driving around town after midnight without your headlights on.
ME: (Looking at my dash and seeing that he's right) Oh... *helpless look* What do you need? License, registration?
COP: Just your license, miss.
ME: (Hand over license, thinking about how I can't afford a ticket, how my father is going to kill me, how I'm going to kill Chris for doing this to me, how I don't know how to get home from here, how I don't have enough gas to get home, etc... and all the other worries and stresses I was dealing with.) I looked up at him as he was doing something and then looked back down at my steering wheel... and could not help it. One by one, the tears began to stream lazily down my face. Try as I might, I could not stop them.
COP: (Handing back my license) Well miss... hey, are you OK? What's wrong?
ME: (I babble something about missing Chris and having a bad night.)
COP: Aww miss, that's not so bad. That's not worth crying over.
ME: But you don't understand!!! (Insert half-hysterical babbled monologue about everything that's wrong in my life. In other words, I lost it.)
COP: ...
ME: (Thinks... Oh God, I just got hysterical on a cop.)
COP: And I suppose me pulling you over didn't help any.
ME: No. (rather petulant)
COP: I tell you what miss, I'm not going to give you a ticket. Will that help?
ME: Yes. (cautious relief)
COP: Now, what I want you to do is: Turn on your Lights (I do), Go home (I agree) and get some rest. Can you do that for me? (I nod.)
ME: I... I don't have enough gas to get home. W-where can I get gas?
COP: (Turns and points to a gas station a block a way) It's right there, Miss. Do you have money?
ME: Thank you. Yes Sir.
COP: OK then.
ME: (hesistantly) Um... I'm new to the area and I don't know how to get back to 580.
COP: (Looks at me for a moment, then turns and points to the road next to the gas station.) It's right there, miss. Are you sure you're going to be OK?
ME: Yes Sir. Thank you.
COP: OK then. Why don't you go home.
The cop then proceded to follow me over to the gas station, watch me fill up and then get onto 580 and head home. I'm so glad that cop was in a good mood and was so helpful. Things could have been so much worse. I still look back on that event with fondness.

Thought for the Day: Memories are funny and wonderful things.

Wednesday. My last at ICMS/STS. I'm kind of sad but very, very relieved. Yesterday, I told Jay all about my conversation with Gary. Jay was surprised but not surprised. He knew a lot of what I said already, just not in as much detail. While it made him sad, he dealt with it well. And he gave me a wonderful compliment: "If, in the future, you and I ever have a chance to work together again, I think it would be very neat. Value driven people are rare. You were true to yourself and what you believe. I wish you the best of luck." I really wish I could take Fred and Jay with me. My office is 90% cleaned out, save for the pictures on my wall. They will be the last things to go.

I went over to Brian's house last night. We had Thai food and watched "Buffy." I had a really good time. I made a much more blatant pass at him and he turned me down. It was interesting. Him turning me down did not make me feel bad. I'm proud of myself for making the effort again. In his mind, I'm a friend and that's it. He's put me on that shelf, kind of like what I've done with Casey. I understand it. Then, he and I sat down and really talked. It was a first between us. And I really liked it. I can see myself hanging out with him more - just as a friend and not a hopeful romantic.

Brian and Trish came over after she got off work. Trish greeted me enthusiastically, happy to see me. It always makes me feel good when people are genuinely happy to see me. The four of us sat around, talking and laughing for the next 2 hours. I have to make an effort to see Brian and Trish more. They are good people.

Thought for the Day: Some days, losing is another way of winning.

Thursday. 5pm on Thanksgiving. I think I just had the all time worst holiday of my life. It started out OK. Mom is in North Carolina with Shannon, John and Emily. So, I headed out early to Dad's for Thanksgiving. It was just going to be just me, my brother, Scott and my Dad. I was already having misgivings because of the combination but, I bravely went forth. Besides, I was supposed to do 90% of the cooking.

Get there. Everything is OK. Call Mom a couple of times for hints on how to cook the green bean casserole. Spend a couple hours relaxing. Then... it begins. Dad and Scott begin to argue. Not snippet argue but full out screaming at each other. I slink away to the living room to be with the dogs, hoping it will blow over as I hear them briefly separate - only to have my Father walk by, muttering about how he doesn't have a son, he has a child - a brat. Then, my brother starts yelling again about if Dad has something to say to him, he better say it to his face. I curl up more, wishing to be anywhere but there as it almost comes to blows.

They retreat to separate corners, Scott in the kitchen, Dad outside. Then, they met up again in the garage. I hear the yelling. Then, I hear the quiet. Scott goes outside. Dad comes inside and we finish preparing for dinner. I am desperately trying to keep the calm, chatting inanely about my new job to Dad while I serve my plate and Dad gets his. Dad asks where Scott is. I go looking for him.

He is in the garage and tells me that he cannot and will not eat with Dad. Dad told him to leave and that was what he was going to do - just as soon as he figures out where to go. I ask him to come to dinner again and he refuses. My heart sinks as I know this is going to suck when I tell Dad. My hands are shaking.

I come back inside. Set my plate on the table and tell him that we will be eating alone. He asks to know where Scott is. I tell him. I have no choice. Dad gets up and walks to the garage and issues the ultimatum: Either you come in and eat dinner with your family or you go pack your bags. Then Dad comes to sit down again.

Scott comes in. Dad wants to know if he is going to come to dinner. Scott wants to 'discuss' things. Dad won't hear it. "Yes or No. There are only two answers. Yes or No." Scott demands to talk about the problems. Dad refuses. It's dinner time. Dad then observes "It's obvious that you are not coming to dinner. Fine." Then he begins to say grace over my brother's demand: "We -need- to talk about this."

At that point, Scott screams "I rebuke you! I rebuke you, in the name of the Lord!!" (Remember, my family, save me, is VERY religious.) Dad starts his own yelling again. I begin to cry. I cannot help it. This is not a family. This is a pack of wild animals vying for the Alpha position.

I leave the dining room. I have to leave. I'm sobbing. I hear my father blaming it on Scott. "Now you've ruined dinner for your sister, too." I grab the phone to call Mom. She'll know how deal with this. I can't remember the phone number and I can't figure out how to work the memory to call. Dad comes in and takes the phone from me. He's going to call Mom. Scott is still yelling in the kitchen. My head hurts, I can't breathe. I have to leave.

I walk into the kitchen, Scott and Dad are still yelling at each other as Dad is dialing. They are blaming each other. I pick up my purse and Dad sees I am going to leave. "See look what you made your sister do?" He yells at Scott. I lose it completely. "I'm leaving because of BOTH of you. You are both wrong! It's because of you both!" I scream at them.

I'm sure it all would have been considered very dramatic if this was a "Movie of the Week" about some dysfunctional family. But, this is not a movie. This is my family. This is real life.

Dad gets Mom on the phone as I grab the rest of my stuff. I hear. "Hi, your son wants to talk to you, he just ruined Thanksgiving and your daughter is walking out the door." I closed the door before I could hear anything more. I blindly rush to my car, slamming my knee on the bumper. I cry in the car for a bit, then I get myself together. I want to be calm, if I'm going to be driving.

I'm moving slowly, watching to see if someone is going to come out after me. I'm torn between wanting them to, family duty and praying that they don't, so I can hide. I have started the car. The point of no return. My father walks out of the house and comes to my car. I really want to drive away, but I can't. He apologizes to me. Asking me to stay but will understand if I don't. I snap at him. I'm crying harder now. He asks me to stay. I tell him I want to talk to Mom.

He walks away as I shut down the car and go into the house. I take only my keys. Scott is on the phone to Mom, telling her that he doesn't understand Dad. She must be asking about me as he tells her that he doesn't know where I am but my car is still here. I walk in and he gives me the phone. Then he walks away. Mom wants to know what is going on. "I don't know." I tell her. "It all started when Scott couldn't find the mixer..." I try to explain as best I can. They are both wrong in my mind. I want to leave still. She wants me to stay. She's proud that I came back. We talk a bit and then she wants to talk to Dad.

I find Dad and then I go back to the dining room and sit down. I look at the two full plates. 10 minutes. I start picking at my plate, eating lukewarm mashed potatoes and cucumber slices with my fingers. 20 minutes. I start thinking of that damned "Movie of the Week" think again, thinking how this would be a perfect shot just before a commercial break. 30 minutes. I am feeding the dogs my turkey and eating the green bean casserole with my fingers. 40 minutes. What little food in my stomach has turned to lead.

My brother walks in. He starts talking about how this had been coming for 5 years. I wanted to ask why he didn't move out sooner, but I don't. I nod and keep quiet. He tells me how he is going to give Dad his wish and Dad will never see him again. I think how history is repeating itself - Dad did not speak to Grandma for 12 years because of a fight. I try to give him advice but I just don't know what to say. I refuse to take sides. After talking with Scott for 20 minutes, I decide to look for Dad.

Dad is outside, still talking to Mom. He is telling her he will not regret his decision. Scott has until January 1 to move out. Then he tells her that he misses her greatly but she is where she needs to be. When he sees me, he says his good byes and hangs up.

I sit next to him and he starts nattering on about Scott. I ask to change the subject. He agrees. He wants to know why I'm still here. "Family duty and obligation." To keep those two from killing each other. We talk some more. Our conversation turns back to Scott. I listen a bit and then gently remind him that we agreed not to talk about him. We chat about inane, unimportant matters and pet the dogs. It is a bonding moment. He is my Father and I love him.

I watch him finish off his wine and then we go into the house. He tells me he will clean up. Scott is in the living room. We can all see each other as Dad sits down to eat a rewarmed Thanksgiving dinner. He says a prayer. I'm not eating. I have no appetite at all. Still, I stay with Dad during dinner, knowing Scott is watching and listening to us. We talk about things, keeping it light.

When Dad finishes, he asks if I want to watch a movie with him. I politely decline. I just can't. It hurts to see his eyes moisten but I cannot pretend all is well. My brother has declared my father unfit and that he will be leaving. My father has declared my brother an immature child and is effectively kicking him out of the house.

In a way, they are both right and both wrong. They are my family and I love them but there are times that I do not like them.

I get my keys and tell my brother good bye. He is short with me, saying a couple nasty things about my father and apologizing for the disaster. Then he says that he is going to disappear for a while. All I can say is "good luck."

I go to my father, give him a hug. He says a couple nasty things about my brother and then apologizes for the disaster. All I can say is "good luck."

Then I walk out the door, knowing that something died in there today. This isn't the "Movie of the Week." There is no happy ending, no reconciliation, no admission of guilt, no profession of love or apologies. This is it. It is my family. It is real life.

Any they wonder why I won't help them put up the Christmas tree this year.

Thought for the Day: I wish my family was separated by miles instead of emotions.

Friday. Life is a bit better today. I went to see Lisa and Rob last night. We ate ice cream and I vented. I felt better. I wonder what happened after I left Dad and Scott. - No. I don't. I should have called Mom last night. I wonder how Emmi is. She had a high fever and had to go to the hospital.

I did have a very good day today. I went shopping with Trisha. She is one of the few females I know that I get along well with. I got 60% of my Christmas shopping done. The mall was bananas as expected. Still, Trish and I had a ball. I am glad I'm spending more time with her.

Thought for the Day: Things seem better in the morning. Not fixed. Just less painful.

Saturday. I really like spending time with Trisha yesterday. She's one of the few females I get along with. She was remarking on the same thing to me. We are going to have to spend more time together.

Still have not called either Mom or Dad. I suppose I should call Mom to let her know I'm OK. There are days that I do not want to have anything to do with my family. Still... they are family. Maybe I'll call tomorrow.

Thought for the Day: Is it me or is Christmas coming earlier each year?

Sunday. *Hooo-boy* Had one hell of a North Kingdom Campaign game last night. It will be a lot of fun to write up. Unfortunately, it's going to SUCK for my character, Elea and for Alex's character, Donnan because he got punished for something she did. Also, Jeff, one of the players is taking some of my stuff to a publisher's this week. See what they have to say. Cool.

Got the Bedlam's Rest downtime session and gift exchange today. We may end up losing one Tremere in this if he is found guilty of what we all suppect. Ah well. Such is life (and death).

Thought for the Day: Some days, it's easier to relate to a dead character than a live one.

Monday. First day of work. I'm mostly on my own - trying to wrap my brain around the documentation they gave me. I am going to like it here. My brain is going to hurt in a good way. It's a little hard to get used to the cube thing again. I've been here since 9am - got the cube set up, the computer personalized. Forgot my lunch, so I'm munching on bagels. I feel a little weird about all the free food and such. I'm almost afraid that I'll grab the wrong thing and someone will yell at me. :) Everyone is very friendly, so, I don't think that will happen.

Thought for the Day: The Journey of one thousand miles begins with a single step.