MAY 1999

I just found the log of the last conversation I had with Darkholm... only 9 days before he died.

Session Close: Tue Apr 06 20:43:22 1999

I never did talk to him later. But... I do have a couple of our conversations. I am thankful for that. It makes me smile to read the conversations. It helps me remember who he was and what he was like.

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Bad headache all day yesterday. I ended up leaving early from work. I really need to get my act together and get back into the swing of things. I am finding my enthusiasm for everything waning. I don't know why. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through.

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I like this link:

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Odd dreams again.

I was "chosen one" - fighting an evil vampire and a werewolf. I had a holy stone shield with me that broke into two. Then, I was using it as two sheilds. I was paired with a lion for strength and another animal for eyes. The vampire and the werewolf thought they could get me on the retreat. I think there was a third monster there to. But, while scared, I knew I would be victorious.

Then, the scene changed to me returning to my group. I was luring a woman(?) with me. She did not know it, but she was going to be the main course that night. I, myself, was not entirely sure that I would not be part of the meal, too, but I was *so* eager to join this group of cannibals that I was willing to take the risk.

A lot of odd symbolism that I could push into a Christian sense... (And I am not Christian.) Fighting evil with two holy stone tablets - the Ten Commandments. Paired with two others; strength and unseen eyes - the Trinity. Cannibalism within the group I want to join - Transubstantiation. And finally, wanting to be accepted by this group (my family?) but the only way is to follow their practices and afraid that if I do, it will consume me whole until there is nothing left of me... of who I really am.

Then again, as Freud says, "Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar."

And maybe this time, I just had weird dreams with no meanings.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "The agony in my eyes mirror the knowledge of my tortured visions." -Isolated Shadows, "Tortured"

Saw "Entrapment" last night. It was actually pretty good. A bit complex in who was screwing who and who wanted what, when. I was quite entertained. There were a couple of things that surprised me. I like that.

Of course, I put it into Shadowrun terms. *grin* So, I'm a geekette. I know it.

SPOILERS ABOUT "ENTRAPMENT" BELOW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Greg and David were bitching about the relationship between Mack (Sean Connery) and Gin (Catherine Zeda-Jones). Greg was saying that he would respect Gin and Mack more if they had not fallen for each other in the end. I say Greg is a party-pooper. I *liked* the fact that they got together. I liked the love story. Then again, I'm a girl. I like that kind of stuff. (Of course, I know a number of guys who like this sort of thing, too.)

I don't know why Greg and David discounted the emotions and feeling between the two thieves. Why are they bad? Is it not emotion that makes us human? That drives us to do incredible things? Ah well. It's just my opinion.

Oddly enough, the above discussion leads into something I've been feeling in the last few days. Actually, what I have not been feeling. I seem to have shut down my emotions towards people I care about... save those of annoyance and anger. I got mad at Greg for no good reason. He was contradicting me on something. A silly nothing. He does it all the time and I never get too upset about it. Yet, I found myself angry and lashing out at him. I tried to clamped down on it but, I could not.

I've been wondering why I've been feeling this way. I realized that maybe I was... am... trying to push those I care about away. It is very hard for me to open up and care about anyone right now.

Maybe it is my hindbrain kicking in and saying "If you have no one to care about, you will have no one to lose."

*sigh*

I feel so much. Too much some days. I don't know what to think. I want to care. I'm afraid to care. Mark lived so far away. I can't even imagine the pain and loss, I would feel if someone close to me, someone I saw on a regular basis, died.

I don't think I want to think about this now.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "There are many dark places to be found in agony. But you may need to sacrifice your cryptic solitude to find them..."

I went and visited Mom and Dad yesterday. It was a nice visit. Mom and I caught up. They are doing serious cleaning of the house. Especially since it is on the market to be sold. Mom is even getting rid of a lot of her books. Hence, I made out like a fat rat. I got a LOT of books from her, including the following:

• The Elric Series by Moorcock
  
• The Runestaff Series by Moorcock
  
• The Chronicles of Corum by Moorcock
  
• The Incarnations of Immortality by Pierce Anthony
  
• The Lord of the Rings Series by Tolkien
  
• The Diadem Series by Jo Clayton
  
• The Golden Fuzzy Series by Ardath Mayhar
  
• The Well of Souls Series by Nathan Brazil

And that's just to name a few. The Bibliophile in me is in orgasmic heaven. The practical person in me is groaning over not having room for these books unless I clean up my bookselves - and actually organize them. *smile* I don't care. I am happy with my new books.

David wants me to point out that he *liked* the love story in "Entrapment." Mea culpa, my friend. I sit corrected.

I did something yesterday that I don't think I've ever done before... I went to see a movie alone. To some, this seems like no big deal. To me, it was a major step. I usually can't do anything by myself unless it's grocery shopping or clothes shopping. I'm actually very proud of myself. I hate going and doing things by myself. It makes me feel vulnerable for some reason. Like, I'm alone because I have no one to be with. But, I decided that I *REALLY* wanted to see "The Matrix" again (yes, again) and I did.

You know what else I've decided? I must have "The Matrix" soundtrack.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Very grand oak was once a little nut with a big idea."

Whelp. Seems I'm a problem child. Yep. According to Da Boss, both Casey and I are viewed as the problem children of the QA group. I'm not sure when I became a problem child. It is certainly news to me. Have to tell you that it pleases me to no end.

(*sniff* *sniff* Is that sarcasm I smell?)

In any case, I'm dealing with it. I've scheduled my Clearcase Admin class but it's not until the 27th/28th. I will be scheduling my Visual Basic and PERL classes. They'll begin in June. In the meantime, I have to get a couple of books on Visual Basic and PERL. And, I have to set up my own milestones and such. Basically, because da Boss wants me to and he doesn't want to do it.

You know, I was going to say something else, but I can't think of anything.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Sometimes I'm strange and callous." Willow from "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer"

OK. I've been bitching about work a lot lately and I keep forgetting to mention the good parts of things. First, I'm not the only taking classes. During this lull period, da Boss wants everyone in the QA department to take a class. And the company is paying for it.

Second, da Boss just told me to order @Home (a cable modem) for home and the company will pay for it - the installation and the monthly fee. (Neat!) Of course, this is just one more hook to keep me in the company... As if the stock options, the computer, the flex hours and the salary aren't enough.

Now, if I only enjoyed programming more.

I'm back to writing on my Elizabeth stuff. I'm almost done with the first part of Shades of Night. Elizabeth's first Kindred party as a Kindred. I'm still working out some of the details... like why the Prince wanted her there specifically. I'll figure something out. Then, of course, you all will get to read it.

*Ack* They are making Cordelia sympathic again! And Faith is just getting more and more nutso! And gosh, the Mayor is EVIl!

For those who don't know, I'm talking about Buffy, The Vampire Slayer.

I love the show. It's fun. It's sassy. It's got vampires, werewolves, witches and slayers. (Oh my!) It's just all around, a good time for those of us who really like that sort of thing.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A snippet from a PBS show. English Victorian -
Baronnet kisses a Lady's hand: "Let me call upon you. I can protect you. And while I protect you... I can entertain you..."
Lady retrieving her hand: "If you come near my home, I shall set my dogs upon you."

I just saw eXistenZ. My view on it? Don't waist your money. It was horrible. It was trite, predictable, had confusing imagery and there was nothing about the main characters that makes them sympathic or even likable. I came out the movie feeling cheated and disappointed. It made me grumpy. Heck, on the drive back to work, I said to Casey, "I would have been working! What a waste." I mean, the gross parts weren't even gross enough for me to look away and now, I can remember them without shuddering. The 'romance' (if you can call it that) was laughable.

Over all, it sucked.

I'm not even sure it would make a good book.

*grump*

Abstract Thoughts...

I just paid bills. One more month and the credit cards will be at a zero balance if it *kills* me! I'm quite happy about that. My debt free plan is coming together.

They are moving my cube at work tonight. So, I'll be closer to the QA group AND I will still have my own cube as start doubling up. I like this. It's a little smaller than the one I have now, but this time, I get a door!

If you've never read "Medea Memoirs," you have got to read Scott's May 4th Entry. It is wonderful!

Playing the College game tonight. 1-2 more weeks and I will be my turn to run it. This is an alluring but scary prospect. I've got some good plotlines. Even the other GMs think so. (At least, that's what they are telling me.) A little bit more preparation and I might even be ready for this group!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "I just wasted $5 and 2 hours on that movie.... and I want them both back!" Casey to me on the drive back to work from eXistenZ.

Men. Most of the time, I like them. Some of the time, I'm ambivelant about them. Some days, I despise them.

Yesterday was NOT a good day for my perception of men. I am getting really tired of the headgames that they SWEAR that they do not play with you. I am getting very annoyed by their disgusting habits of burping and talking about gross things. I am completely losing patience with the way they either cannot stay focused on a topic at all or are completely obsessed by a topic, to the point that that is ALL they talk about.

Most of all, I am tired of the questioning on how good or bad or right or wrong I am.

Why the hell can't I be accepted for who I am?

Yeah. I know I'm making generalizations. So sue me. Right now, I don't care one bit.

I'm sure I've gone on this rant before, but, since I'm in the mood to be a bitch, I'm going to do it again. This journal is for me. It is for my thoughts, for venting, recording what is going on in my life - so that in a year from now, I can look back and laugh or cry or whatever. It is a series of small snapshots of my life and who I am. Like taking a picture of half my face. You have an idea of what I look like, but you do not see all of me.

For some reason, this is just not getting through to some people. They read my journal and suddenly, they think they know me. They think they know who I am, how I will react and what I am like.

You all have no frickin' clue what I am really like! (Ok... one or two of you who know me in RL do... but that is the exception and not the rule.) I read my journal and I know all of the things that lead up to that entry... all of the things behind the scenes that you don't see.

For example - my rant on men posted above. I have not been bitching about men in my personal life at all. In fact, I don't mention my romantic life (such as it is). Yet, my Men rant is based on a man who is in my personal life... someone most of you didn't know existed.

How can anyone say they know someone until they look them in the eye? Speak to them face to face? Smell their scent? Feel the touch of their hand? How can they make judgements on what you are like?

In my NOT so humble opinion, they can't.

Rule #3: You never know what you will get until it is in front of your face. Until then, it's just pixels on the screen; have fun but don't over do it.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Men. You can't live with them and you can't shoot them.

There are days when you look back on the past months and you said to yourself, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, WOMAN?" Then, you realize that you weren't thinking. Not at all. Instead, you were dreaming and hoping.

I don't know how many times I have told myself that long distance relationships do NOT work. Nevermind the fact that my four closest friends are couples who met each other online and successfully made the transition from online to real life and have been together for a couple of years now. Online/Long Distance relationships do not work for me.

(1994) First, there was Jake. Jake had a great keyboard personality. His real life personality horrified me. Needless to say, it did not work. (I hear now that he lives a transitory life of bouncing from woman to woman.)

(1995) Then, there was Jeremy. Jeremy was a great guy, good in bed, but WAY too young and clingy for me. Also, he could not stand the thought of BDSM. So, that one did not work. (Last I heard, he was very happy with his love.)

(1996) Then, there was Blackwolf. Nice guy. A bit too old for me. Did nothing for me in the Sparks department. I let that one go painlessly. (Last I heard, he was living with his lawyer lover/slave and they were both very happy.)

(1997) Then, there was Mykal AKA "The Psycho." I don't even need to go into that one. It didn't work. I don't know where he is nor do I care.

(1997-98) Then, there was James. He was a jump from the psycho. Good in bed, smart, funny, sweet and completely committment shy. He dumped me. It was painful but I got over it. He and I are still good friends. (He is in a serious relationship that may lead to wedding bells.)

Now, after all that, you would think that I would have learned my lesson. And I did. I swore that I would not go for another online relationship, other than minor play, unless I met the guy FIRST. And it worked. I kept myself happy and tangle free (at least in the online arena) for almost a year. Then, after a few months of my journal writing, I get an ICQ msg from a Guy who tells me some very sweet things.

Complimented, I respond back. But, in general, I push all advances to the side. This goes on for a couple months. He tells me all about himself, tells me he really cares for me and thinks I am THE ONE for him. I tell him he's nuts. He can't know that until he mets me.

I have to give him credit. He was a persistant bugger. I'm not sure when, but slowly, I found myself starting to like him, even care about him. I began to believe all of his sweet, beautiful lies about how much he loved me. How he wanted me to marry him. How I would have his children. Such wonderful lies.

I fell for it.

Then, he started wanting cybersex - which does NOTHING for me. I said no. He persisted, saying it would make him feel closer to me. (Damn, this is so embarrassing!) Finally, I gave in a couple of times... and came away feeling used and unhappy. After that, I refused. I needed to have a REAL connection with him - a phone call or a letter or something. I even gave him my phone number and asked him to call me. He refused. After a few more times of him wanting to have cybersex and me refusing, he told me that he had gotten to the point that he COULDN'T masterbate without my interaction with him on the computer.

WTF?!

What a load of pressure and guilt he laid at my doorstep. I found myself angry and upset about this. It signified the beginning of the end. Only, I was not willing to see it for what it was. You see, by now, I had begun to Hope. Hope that he was real. And hope that when we did meet, it would not be for nothing.

He told me that he was coming to the States in May on business but more over, he wanted to finally meet me - the girl of his dreams. We could have dinner then. Meet face to face. When I finally looked in his eyes, I would know if it was something that could happen.

But, as May approached, he started telling me he wasn't sure that I was THE ONE for him. That he NEEDED "a horny girl who liked to fuck" because he "liked to fuck a lot." It was neccessary for him. He wanted me to prove to him that I was a sexual creature. That I liked sex. To do this, I had to have cybersex with him. I declined, telling him that cybersex made me feel awful. He persisted, saying that I obviously didn't like sex as much as he did and he didn't think he could take this anymore.

So, just two weeks before meeting face to face for the first, after MONTHS of courtship, he is ready to drop me like a hot potatoe. By this time, I have the sinking feeling that I've been had. That he's been lying to me all along - maybe he's already married. Maybe he isn't who he says he is. Maybe he's just a damn convincing, consistant liar.

That is what lead up to my outburst about men on May 6th. So, yesterday, I get an IM msg from him "I hope we can still be friends." I ask him "Why the hell do you want to do that?" His response: "OK, Bye." And that was that. He just left. This is the same man who swore I was the one for him. Who swore he wanted me for his wife, to be the mother of his children. Who swore that he wanted to take care of me and loved me without end. Who was simply letting me walk away.

Bastard.

You have no idea how much anger I have boiling in me right now. I want to name names and shout my pain to the world. I hate him. But most of all, I hate me for allowing myself to fall for his lies. I should have known better. How many times do I have to get hurt before I learn that I should not hope and that if it is not in front of my face, I should not trust it? I don't know. I am so tired of hurting. I feel used and stupid and ugly.

But I SWEAR, I will NOT get drunk or cry over this. He is NOT worth it!

A small apology to those men who read my journal. Obviously, I've been upset about one particular guy and I let it leak into my perception of all men. Yes, I know that men are not all scum-sucking bottom-feeders. Some men are actually quite sweet.

On another good note, Chris is in counseling with Denise. They are trying hard to work it out and stay married. This is wonderful news to me.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "The agony in my eyes mirrors the blood of my darkness-enshrouded heart." - Ariadne Zeitwellen Masters-Chambers

Had an arguement with the guy that I've been having problems with the last couple of days. He didn't understand where I was coming from or why I was so upset. The argument turned into a terse discussion that came to an abrupt conclusion when I told him would not talk about sex with him any more and that if he -ever- made it to the states, we could get to know each other over dinner. His last statement to me was:

"I will ring you when and if I get to the states. Bye until then."

I figure that that is the last I will hear from him.

I don't know if I should sigh with relief, cry with sorrow or jump for joy.

I went and saw The Mummy last night with Alex and Johanna. My thoughts: What pretty eye candy!

If you switch on your "Suspension of Disbelief" button, throw out all thoughts to continuity and actual Eygptian culture, you will have a BLAST.

The movie is beautiful. The scenery is stunning. The special effects are kinda neat (except the Mummy, who is Terminator-like). The acting is pretty good. It has humor, a romance and LOTS of sand. Also, that head Magi dude was pretty darned cute after he took his turban off.

I came out of the movie giggling. It is a fun movie to go see with, or without, a date. I do recommend it if you are in the mood for a light-hearted, stop-at-the-back-of-the-eyeballs film.

Johanna and Alex have asked me to join a bi-weekly LARP: Dark Silver Theatre. It's Mindseye Theatre, which I've never played, but apparently that doesn't matter much. It's also very small: 15 to 20 players. I have heard some not-so-good things about the GMs, but have been assured that the roleplay in the game is worth it.

We will see what we will see. At least, it introduces me to a new group of people and gets me out of the house. And, if I don't like it, I can always leave.

Alex, bless his soul, has give me a way to bring Marlena back to life. He is running some friends through a clean up Table Top game of the ending of one of the past LARPs. Since Rob, GM of Bedrest, had introduced cloning by Progenitors into the LARP, Alex is running with it, saying Rachel (Marlena's Sire) never died because she was a clone. He's asked me if I want to throw plotlines at him, saying Marlena had been taken and replaced with a "Bait and Switch" clone.

My mind is spinning with endless possibilities of why they (they meaning those nasty progenitors) would have taken Marlena and what they could/would/should have done to her. *hehehe*

Marlena's alive! Marlena's alive! Yeah!

You know, 90% of my friends are in couples:

Greg & David.
Alex & Johanna.
Brian & Trish.
Rob & Lisa.
Shauna & Joe.
Rich & Cil.
James & Laurel.
Casey & Mary.

Some days, I feel like I am the last single person in the world.

...

There was no reason for the above. It was just an abstract thought that came to me and I threw it out to the world.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: From The Mummy: (paraphrased)
OLD PILOT: "What's the reason you need my plane?"
HERO: "You know, save the damsel, beat the bad guy and save the world."
OLD PILOT: "Is it dangerous?"
HERO's SIDEKICK: "Well, so far, everyone else involved has died. I don't see why you should be any different."
OLD PILOT: *Eyes light up and he pops a salute* "I'm your man!"

Monday. OK. Is it just me, or have the "Super sizing" thing at fast food chains gotten a wee bit out of hand? I don't eat at fast food places that much anymore. Hence, I don't pay attention to the advertising for them. (Like I ever did before.) Yesterday, I was out book shopping and I was hungry. So, I went MacDonald's and ordered a meal. I ordered it "super sized" because I wanted a large drink. Imagine my surprize when I was handed this gallon sized drink and a bucket of fries. I reacted as if this were normal, so I wouldn't look like a country bumpkin. Inside, I was thinking: "WTF?"

Seems that MacDonald's has this new thing. If you just order a meal, it comes pre-supersized or the size the OLD supersize was. If you want a smaller one, you ask for "medium" meal which was the old regular meal. And now, if you order supersized you get this huge super-duper supersize size. I swear, my meal could have easily fed two and yet, it didn't cost anymore than I was used to.

Hmmmm. Kinda makes you wonder just how much of a profit these chains are making off of us.

Played Dark Silver Theatre last night. It was OK. I ended up playing a character that was leaving the game. Proxy for a person who had left the game. I was flying by the seat of my pants. Then, I brought in Maggie, a cleptomanic Brujah. (Originally, she was Malkavian but they wanted Brujah.) Maggie is a lot meaner is in this incarnation. And lot more gutsy. I kind of like it. I'll give it a couple more shots.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Third planet, yellow star. Tell us where your children are. We have come here from a far, to answer their invitation." Celia Eng, "Absent Hosts."

*Groovin to "Disco Queens: The 80's"* I am a definite child of the 80's. This CD I got yesterday is so cool! Nu Shooz, Taylor Dayne, Stacey Q, Kim Wilde, Laura Brannigan, Paula Abdul, Sheila E, Samantha Fox, Jody Watley and Pebbles. I love them all. I've been listening to this CD since I got it.

Gods, I remember neon...

And parachute pants...

chic jeans...

Hot pink combs...

Neon blue hair...

Gods, I feel old.

Dreams and Duct Tape.

Did I get you attention?

Thought so.

I was having a conversation with Ice, and the subject of dreamers came up. I really think that the world needs more dreamers. More people to be optimistic. More people to *BELIEVE*. Like duct tape, dreams have a light side and dark side. And like duct tape, it is one of the few things that truly holds the world together.

A person has to have dreams and goals to aspire to. Without them, what is there to live for? Dreams have given birth to so many important things in our lives - the technology, the science-fiction, the fantasy, TV, books, movies... Small dreams of personal goals, big dreams of world goals. They all are SO important.

Also... I see a poem in that... "Ode to Dreams & Duct Tape"... *GRIN*

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The people who started college last fall where born in 1980 - They have never feared nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill, not a movie. Atari pre-dates them... as do vinyl ablums.

I've been wandering through the halls of cyberspace and I came across a favorite artist: Jeffrey K. Bedrick. He has some fantastic Mythology & Fantasy and Landscape work. I especially like his landscape works: 'Elysium' and 'Symphony of Elements'.

So, I decided to write him and ask if he had a coffee table book of his work. Surprisingly enough, I got an answer back within a day. Unfortunately, there isn't a book like that yet.

Also, I noticed that the original of 'Symphony of Elements' was for sale. Out of morbid curiosity, I asked him how much it cost. He responded, telling me that many of his paintings have gone for as much as $12,000 but, this one, he would sell for only $3000. AND, if I was serious, since I'm local, he would be willing to do six payments of $500.00. No interest. He's also moving to LA as of June 1. So, after the first $500, I could keep the painting, rather than having it shipped to me in 6 months.

Man, I have to say I am SERIOUSLY tempted. I can afford this. I know I can. But, should I? This will push off my "get out of debt" thing by about 2-3 months. But, it is a beautiful painting. Should I? Shouldn't I? I don't know if I will have this chance again. I'm sure, in the future, this painting will be worth much, but that's not why I would buy it. I would buy it as an inspiration to dream. And, meeting the artist is a plus.

I think I will make an appointment to see it.

Johanna has her own Journal page now: Irregular Rambles. I think it suits her.

Hmmm... that format looks awful familiar. *wink*

And now for some late breaking news: I had an actual date last night! Yepyep. Dinner and a movie with my friend Talisman from Austrailia. He's here visiting the States for the next three months and is spending a couple of days here in the SF Bay Area.

He is very nice. I like him. That's all I'm willing to admit at this point.

I took him to my favorite Chinese resturaunt, China Chili, for dinner. We talked about his adventures in the SF Airport where customs and immigration either thought he was a terrorist (he was wearing boots, leather pants and a duster) or trying to sneak into the country illegally or some such. Then we discussed the different prices in the States and the education system.

Wow. They have an awesome college education system there. You pay for it AFTER you graduate and you get an allowance while you are going. You are limited to 4.5 years, though. Still, I wish the States would do such.

After dinner, we went to see "The Mummy." He had not seen it and I liked it enough to see it again. And I knew it would be a good movie to see together. After that, I took him back to his hotel, gave him a hug good bye and headed home.

Nope. No kissing here. Unfortunately, my walls are still up. He knows it and accepts it. For that, I am thankful.

We are going to My Thai for dinner tonight.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Don't be too chuffed. I'm fantasically lazy, you know." Johanna to me after I expressed being flattered that she borrowed my journal format for her new online journal.

*nada*

I'm still working hard on this Spec for updating and upgrading ClearQuest. It's not helping that I have no idea what I'm doing. At the very least, I can format the information I DO know into a sharp, professional document so that I don't look like some slack-eyed yokel.

Wednesday when Akien and I were discussing my new job and about how he knew it would challenge me, we got on the subject of failures. Akien fully expects me to fail a few times but he keeps trying to assure that he has created a safe place for me to fail in. I have very hard time with the word 'fail.' I don't like to fail. Finally, I asked him what his definition of fail was. Turns out, he was thinking of when you write a function and it craps out all over the database and you have to fix everything again. Oh. I was thinking of fail as in - given a job, you are unable to do it.

As we were discussing this all, I KNOW that Akien was trying to give me a sense of security and safety and let me know that he is there for me. He gave the example (again) that, when I first got into this department, the Pointy-haired VP wanted Akien to fire me and Casey because we didn't seem up to the job. Akien was assuring me that he just does not give up on people.

I don't know about you, but this didn't make me feel any better. I have NEVER been fired from a job. I have been laid off because of budgets. I have had contracts finish. I have quit. But I have NEVER been fired. Everytime Akien mentions this, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and I wonder what the Pointy-haired VP is thinking of me now. I wonder if he still wants to fire me. I wonder how much longer Akien can fight him off.

It really does not instill a sense of confidence and security.

I sent a letter to Jeffrey Bedrick about his painting, explaining that due to my finacial situation, I really shouldn't buy his painting. He sent me a message back.

Hi again Jennifer,

I certainly understand your financial concerns, but still appreciate your interest. Even if you are not ready to make a purchase, you are still welcome to come visit to see it in person if you wish. No pressure, but I might be able to adjust the terms to make it a little easier for you when and if you decide you're ready. This month will be your last chance before we ship out to Southern Cal. Feel free to call.

My URL shouldn't change, but my e-mail address probably will after some time. When it does, I'll update the "e-mail me" links on my website.

Jeffrey

Isn't that sweet? He wins my "Nice Guy of the Week" award. And I'm going to see if I can't get Casey to drive me to San Fran next week to see the painting - and MAYBE make a counter payment offer. We'll see.

A friend from the MacDude's listserv sent out a series of Shakespearean Insults, which I find too funny for words. Here they are - and watch your Nemesis' face when you call them a 'qualling motley-minded strumpet.'

To construct a Shakespearean insult, combine one word from each of the three columns below and preface it with "Thou":

Had dinner with Talisman on Wednesday night at the Olive Garden and then we decided to see "The Matrix." Turns out it is a favorite movie of ours. Unfortunately, for some reason, about 6 times throughtout the movie, the film skipped - sometimes missing up to 5 seconds of dialogue. It was darned annoying for both of us.

Took Talisman to the airport Thursday afternoon. He promised to keep in touch and let me know when he's coming back through. This next time, since I've met him, I'll let him stay in the guestroom, so he doesn't have worry about hotel expenses.

I like him. Perhaps if he were living here, something could come of it. But, for now, I'm just going to keep it as friends.

Happy Anniversary, Rhysanus!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Buckle your seatbeat Dorothy. Kansas is going bye-bye!" Cypher to Neo in "The Matrix" just before Neo is unplugged.

Kudos to me! I remembered that it was my Dad's birthday yesterday and actually remembered to call him!

I'm kinda proud of myself. I actually addressed my job anxiety / fear of the Pointy-haired VP firing me to Akien. Granted, I did it in my Status Report, but I did it nonetheless. AND I kept my cool when Akien talked to me about the situation. He explained to me that it was not the Pointy-haired VP saying "Akien, fire Jenn." It was him saying, "Akien, are you sure they are up to the job? I think you need to look long and hard at what it is that you need done and the people you have here."

Well. That makes me feel somewhat better. Da boss is always saying that he is a 'lazy speaker' and sometimes things get misinterpreted.

Also, in other good news, I basically got that Spec done and it looks good. I'm glad I was able to pull a rabbit out of my hat.

Lately, I've been a serious slug-a-lug. I've been sleeping more than I should, not eating well, not exercising. I realize that I've been saying "One obsession at a time...." But that is no excuse for the sad sack I've become. Starting Monday, I'm going to be carpooling with Casey again. This means I will have to be out the door about an hour (or more) early than I've been getting up. I'm going to try for the "no snooze" button approach.

Easier said than done. It takes only 2 weeks to make or break a habit. Unfortunately, it's easy to break a good habit and hard to break a bad one.

We'll see how it goes.

Today is that whole Bachlor/ette party celebration day. Two days ago, Johanna and I finally got a clue and realized that neither of us wanted to go up to Rock City and get sunburned a week before her wedding. So, we decided to split up the girls and guys until dinner at the Outback.

The boys can go play on the rocks.

The girls are going to meet at a sane hour for lunch and then go shopping. Then, back to Johanna's place for movies, snacks and girl talk. Then, we'll meet up with the guys for dinner around 7:00pm at the Outback and finally, from dinner - the infamous Locust street shuffle.

I'll bet I'm screwing my eyeballs back in tomorrow.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "To know no fear is insanity. For it is fear that keeps us from doing insane things." - Told to me by Talisman.

It's 4:00pm on Sunday and I just got home from the Bachlor/ette party from yesterday. Yes. It was a very good day.

Started out headed to Johanna's - picked her up and headed to her Mom's for measurements for the bridesmaid dress. That was interesting. I spent a lot of time nodding and smiling. Johanna's mom, Susan is a spastic basket case! (Though, I think she is secretly loving this. ... I wonder if we can spike her drink the morning of the wedding.)

From there, back to Johanna's to meet up with rest of the girls for shopping. 6 of us: Johanna, me, Allyson (Johanna's too slender for words, Sporty-Spice look alike cousin), Lisa, Trish and Kat. We went on a marathon 6 hour lunch/shopping spree at the Mall. I, of course, was wearing the WRONG shoes and ended up buying a comfortable pair of Easy Spirits 1/2 through the trip. Lots of money was spent and a good time was had by all.

Back to Johanna's and meeting Dave, Alex's best man from Louisiana. (Alex has two best men - Brook and Dave... a dangerous combination.) Dave is a hoot! Hopefully, he'll be moving out here soon.

So, then we head to the Outback steakhouse. With the girls and guys together, there are 17 of us. No wonder we had to wait almost an hour for a table. But it was worth it! We got a kick ass waitress all to ourselves. The beers were being gulped in earnest. This waitress managed to get all of our meals served within 5 minutes of each other. It was rather impressive. AND, she managed to zing Dave a good one. I think the waitress ended up with over a $100 dollar tip.

From there, we went to Abernathy's on Locust street. It's sort of a tradition. We all had 2 rounds. I had a wobbly and something called an 'oatmeal cookie' - that really tasted like an oatmeal cookie! It was amazing. Then, instead of shuffling down Locust street, we decided to head back to Brook's house where there was $130 worth of booze and truffles. That's when the drinking started in earnest.

I'm amazed that Allyson and her brother, Graham, could drink so much! Must be their English blood. 1/2 the group got drunk, the other 1/2 didn't. Most of the non-drinkers were the Designated Drivers for the evening and/or don't drink anyway. Alex and Johanna stayed pretty mellow and didn't drink so much. Both were just enjoying themselves with friends. It was nice.

It ended up that only BrianB and Trish and myself spent the night at Brook's place. Brian and Trish got the sofabed. When I asked Brook where I was sleeping, he said, "You can sleep in my room with me." *hmmmm* OK. *grin* Brook is a serious cuddler. It was very nice to be cuddled up with someone after a year+ dry spell. Of course, this made my hormones jumpy and suddenly made me feel awake. But, I was determined to be a good girl...

Until Brook's wandering hands sent my hormones into overdrive.

And that was that. Yes, I got laid last night. *hehehe* It was hot, wet, fun sex. A very friendly romp in the sheets that did me wonders. After that, we both slept like logs.

This morning, Brook, me, Trish and Brian went out to breakfast. Then, Trish and Brian, after a comedy of errors of getting lost and needing gas, finally got me back to my car so I could drive home.

I've been home for only an hour. I need a shower and a nap. I'm going out to see "Black Mask" tonight!

Finally got my "Matrix" soundtrack! Yeah!

EricL got me a ticket to see "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" on opening day! Yeah!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "If you have a dream - pursue it. If you find a dream - nuture it. If your dream comes true - celebrate!" - Talisman

Aw, man. I noticed that Brook left a series of faint hickies over my right shoulder and up my neck. I got a bit of ribbing from some of my friends last night at the movies. (It's not like they didn't know about both me and Brook's labidos.)

For those who asked... Brook has been a friend of mine for about 4 years. He's an ex-Marine sniper who is now a landsurveyor, is into the SCA and is a great guy to hang out with.

No... I doubt that there will be anything serious between us. He lives an hour away and is seeing another girl from Sacramento (I think). He and I will probably be lust-buddies, always good friends and not much more. *smile*

And yes, even as tipsy as we both were, we were smart and used protection.

Went to see "Black Mask" with friends yesterday at the new Century 25 in Union City. Wow! That place is HUGE. 25 screen multiplex. I really like it. I think it's now the largest theater complex in California. It is nice, roomy, comfy... and I think it's really going to put the hurt on the rest of the theaters in the area.

Black Mask, btw, is the same cheesy, amusing movie that it was 2 years ago - even with the dubbing, new hip-hop soundtrack and 'special' effects. The wire-fu and fighting scenes were pretty awesome. That's why you go to see the movie, right?

I just had a scary thought... by my calculations, at least four female friends (including the bride) will be PMSing or on their period on the day of Johanna's wedding.

Oh lordy... and I just thought it was going to be an emotional day. Where are my tranquilizers?

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Fate's got cards it don't wanna show..." - Trisha Yearwood, "Walkaway Joe."

I think I have had all I could ever want of being in weddings. After this, no more. *PERIOD*

I got there last night to Johanna's house before going for the fitting. And there Johanna was, with that face she gets when she has to tell me something that she knows I won't like. Inside, I'm wondering what is up now. Outside, I just wait for her to tell me what is on her mind. (Or her mother's mind.)

Apparently, I pissed off Allyson within the first three mintues of meeting her. I commented that she was indeed (as Johanna mentioned) quite slender. In fact, two of her could make up one of me. Apparently, this was the wrong thing to say. I'm not sure when a compliment/comment on how slender someone was became an insult, but it was.

So, now what? I'm not supposed to apologize to Allyson or anything, but Susan wanted me to know this.

And, that's not all.

So, I'm sitting there, feeling bad for unwittingly upsetting Johanna's cousin and then Johanna goes on to tell me that Susan was upset at my attitude. Apparently, I'm coming off as a brash, arrogant American. This apparently is stemming from somethings I said to Allyson about me being the Maid of Honor and thus, giving the impression of being better than her (P'nuck??!!) and from my comment that it would kind of suck for me to drive an hour and twenty minutes for a 15 minute fitting and then turn around and have to go home. It seems that there were dinner plans in the works and I was NOT invited.

Oh. Great. So, now I've pissed off Allyson, acted like an arrogant American, come off as "better than thou" and Susan does not want to be near me.

I have to admit that I was quite shocked. But, I'm proud of myself. I did not cry in front of Johanna over this. Man, it really hurt. I have no idea what I did to make Susan suddenly think I was the Anti-Christ.

Johanna did mention that Susan got her information 2nd, 3rd and 4th hand. (Great, the whole family thinks I'm a bitch.)

So, Johanna lays all of this on me and then says, "OK. Let's go!" Crap. Now, I have to go see these people who hate me. Fortunately, Nature called and suggested that I hit the bathroom for a moment. So, that's what I do. Once behind closed doors, I sit there and shake for a moment. Then, the anger strikes.

If Allyson was so pissed off, why didn't she say something to me? What the hell did I do to make Susan think I was a bitch? As for the Maid of Honor being better - I NEVER said that nor did anything to imply that. But, while we are on the subject, I have been friends with Johanna for the last 7 years. We've been through a lot together. Who the hell is Allyson? A cousin she hadn't seen in 10 years that Susan pushed Johanna into having as a bridesmaid. Shit. Lisa or Trish or Melissa should have had that second spot! They've been here with Johanna and been her friend. *grump*

(OK. That was supremely bitchy. Family is family and is important. Johanna is my best friend. She can't help it if her family is spastic.)

By this time, my internal rant was in full swing and I pondered just telling Johanna to ask Susan how much the dress cost, writing Johanna a check for that amount and telling her that if I was so disliked by her mother that that was fine and I was no longer part of the wedding. I'd show her brash, arrogant American!

Then, I thought about the look on Johanna's face when I told her this and my anger just melted away. It's not her fault. She's stuck in the middle. *sigh*

So, off we go. We get there and everyone is very pleasant. All smiles and laughter. I do my dress fitting and then I go back down to the living room and discover that I am now included in any and all dinner plans. (Probably Johanna strong arming her mother. *smile* I'm glad she stuck up for me.)

Then, the rest come back from Yosemite, including Allyson. My first thought is, "Great. I want to apologize but that would probably upset her more." So, I decide to say nothing. Yet, Allyson comes up to me and starts chatting about the evening. She's smiling and very pleasant. I can't detect any rancor but, I keep wondering about it.

As we all leave, I murmur to Johanna, "Well, she didn't seem upset at me." To which Johanna responds, "Oh, you know the English and how we suppress things." Oh, yeah. That whole social lying thing that makes me twitchy. Makes me think that I can't trust anyone to be straight with me.

Surprisingly enough, dinner is pleasant and I seem to have hit a happy medium with Susan. Football is a good topic to discuss with her.

I just hope I keep my cool until after the reception.

Next dress fitting: Wednesday.

Oh, yeah. I decided that I shouldn't go to the Opening night of Star Wars in place of Johanna's Dinner. Star Wars will be around for a long time. Johanna gets married only once. (We hope.)

Of course, me telling Johanna this was put off by her telling me her mother's message to me.

Here's an amusing URL for you to look at: CAT BATHING, A MARTIAL ART. According to Johanna, the URL is entirely true.

OK. Here's my vote for the creepiest website/movie trailer of summer: The Blair Witch Project. It's creepy enough that I'm not even sure I want to see the movie.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Cats have no handles."

They say time heals all hurts. I suppose it is time and distance. Now that I've distanced myself and time has passed, that crap that happened on Monday doesn't seem nearly as bad as it did. I guess it was the hook from left field. Man, I've got to get a hold on my emotions.

Honestly, I really have nothing to be bitching or whining about. I haven't had to deal with Susan for months on end over this wedding. I got to thinking about it and I'm amazed that Johanna is as calm about it all as she is (though, apparently, I'm not seeing the bad moods) and stunned at how patient Alex is with both Johanna and Susan.

I thought about it and realized, you know what... I'm never going to see Allyson again after this. I'm sorry I offended her, but if she's not going to talk to me about it, I'm not going to walk on eggshells around her. If I did that, I would second guess myself and make more mistakes. And probably still seem like a stuck up bitch.

Also, as Johanna pointed out, Susan knew me before this and will know me after this. I might as well just be myself. If I'm a brash American, well, so be it. And, Johanna told me that Susan's pique with me is over and done with. So, I'm going to take her at her word.

So. Today work was just about useless. I didn't get my new computer for the SQL server and playing with ClearQuest. So, I read 100+ emails on the ClearQuest listserv. That was as exciting as watching paint dry. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better, more productive.

Oh yeah! I finally got my wall so I don't fell like I'm working out in the hallway. I'm a happier camper.

Ordered @Home today. It's going to be put in this Thursday. Which means that I'm not going to be able to switch my rooms around like I wanted to before the installation. Oh well. Gives me time to pick and choose my time for the move. Probably July 1st, when Scott and Donna are out of town for a while.

And, I got "skitten" as a user name! So, I have "skitten@best.com" and will have "skitten@home.com" - I think that's pretty cool. And, I will be linking my @Home webspace as a front page for my Best.com webspace. (After 4 years of building the website, there is no way in hell that I'm going to move it.)

And, I ordered Cable today, too. Their "Popular" package. (I had too. The Sci-Fi channel didn't come with either the Basic or Extended-Basic packages). It's pretty expensive. Over $50/month. But, I figure, since I won't have to worry about the credit card bills after next month, I figured that I could splurge a little.

I decided to take a break from the computer last night. I got home, checked email and that was it. Then, I dove into my latest book that I'm borrowing from Shauna: "Jack, The Giant Killer" by one of my favorite authors, Charles De Lint. It puts a very different, celtic, adult spin on the old "children's" fable, "Jack and the Beanstalk." If you like that sort of thing, I highly recommend anything that Charles De Lint writes.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Red is the colour of magic in every country, and it has been so from the earliest times. The caps of faeries and musicians are wellnigh always red." W.B.Yeats in Fairy and Folk Tales of the Irish Peasantry.

*nada*

OK. I've been out of touch for a day and a half because of having @Home installed. It has not been fun.

Starts off at 3pm on Thursday. They say, alot 2 hours for things. 3 hours later, I'm asking when they are going to be done. "Soon." Is the answer. 6:30pm, I'm antsy and they are frustrated. I leave for my game. They promise to be back on Friday. I come home Thursday night and try to check my msgs via my Best account. No dice. Whatever they did, it messed up all my configurations for modem. I work on it until 2am, then give up.

This morning, I try again, remember to add script and it works. 100+ emails waiting for me. Discover that they deleted all my bookmarks. I am pissed. They come again. Discover that one of the @Home techs lives less than a block from me and they fix it. Even save my bookmarks. I'm much happier now. It's been running now for all of 10 minutes.

(And, of course, the first thing I do is work on my journal entry. I'm so nice.)

In late breaking, sad news... Kat and Terry broke up. It was kind of a surprise for me. I knew Kat wanted to move out and get a place with Trish. That was a secret she had entrusted to me a few weeks ago. Kat grew up much too fast - emancipated at 15. She's been with for 3 years. At 19, she's suddenly feeling a need to expand again.

It's tearing Terry to bits. And I don't know what to do.

I am friends with both of them. I want to be there for both without sacrificing a friendship with either. I'm afraid that with be a difficult thing. It depends on how volital the break up gets and if people decide to 'take sides.'

Love. It is a very special and important word for me. When I love someone, I give them a piece of me. I may, upon occassion, love foolishly - but I never love lightly. I never have and I never will.

I watch people say "I love you." They say it so very easily. Then, they realize that it was not love, but lust or desire or need that made them say those three fateful words. For some, they mean so much. For some, they mean so little. There are days when I wonder if I will ever speak those words to someone ever again.

I hope so.

Saw Star Wars. It rocks!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "You have to love like it's never going to hurt."

*nada*

Created a front page for my @Home account. Take a look. What do you think? Yeah. I know, it's a little plain. I'll change it when I have more time and better grasp on graphics and buttons and stuff.

Oh, yeah. I also reformatted my ME page and added another picture. Someday, I really ought to buy a book on HTML. I mean, I do hand code everything. (Editors are for wusses!)

The Wedding. What a day. I got up 1/2 late, panicked and was out the door by 7am. I had to be there by 8am for my hair to be done for pictures at 10am.

I got lost on the way there. It's not my fault. The directions said "CA-92 W becomes CANADA RD/CA-92 W." I reach a point where there is no sign for 92W but there is a sign pointing to the left that says "Canada Road." A moment's hesistation and I take that road. Within 30 seconds, I just KNOW I've made the wrong choice but ... I'm not completely convinced of this. I end up COMPLETELY losing it in the car - freaking out, shouting, smacking the steering wheel, almost crying. Thank Gods, I was alone. 3 miles later, I decide to turn around and go back. Good choice. Within minutes I see a 92W sign and I relax.

The rest of the trip there is easy. Get there, show up at 8:10am. I run into some of Johanna's relatives and they teasingly ask "Where's Dave (the best man)? Weren't you going to pick him up?" For a moment, I believe them and almost have another freak out moment. Then, I remember that Brook is picking up Dave and I'm OK.

So, I go see Johanna. She is getting her hair done. I'm not too early or too late. We chat, she is fine. Then, it's my turn. Get my hair done. Then, I get my dress on and then Allyson. Then, pictures. LOTS of pictures. Then, as people are showing up, the wedding party discovers that a lot of us are going to get tickets because we are in a 2 hour parking zone. Minor hub-bub. Some panicking. DJ and his girlfriend showed up then. DJ saw my state and says, "Give me your keys. I'll deal with your car." I don't even question as I thrust my keys at him and smile.

Back upstairs with Johanna, Allyson and me. Time for the sprite and peanutbutter cookies. (Thanks to James and Laurel who dashed out for them for us!) Family tradition in my family. Bride and bridesmaids snack on peanutbutter crackers and hide while everything gets ready. Eating peanutbutter cookies is smart - Sugar, protein, distraction. It keeps the blood sugar levels up and tummies from grumbling. Johanna thought I was very weird but since I insisted, she had a couple. Later, she told me that I was a smart cookie for making her do so.

The ceremony was short (5 minutes), sweet and beautiful. I didn't trip on my dress. I didn't drop the ring. I am SO happy! Johanna really was beautiful. Everyone loved both the bridesmaid dresses and the wedding dress.

It was a good reception after. I liked watching the mixing of family and groups of friends. The dynamics were interesting. Watching who circulated and who cliqued. Then, we had a bit of a lunch that was very tasty. By this time, I've realized that I've left my little maid of honor speech sleeping blissfully on my computer. *sigh* So, my stomach was in complete knots as I went up there and talked... rambled really. I toasted Johanna, forgot Alex (who didn't mind) and handed the mic over to Dave - who gave a real show! His speech was about 15 minutes long.

After that, there was dancing and chatting and such until 4pm. By this time, I've ditched those shoes and changed into something comfy. A large group of us when to the bar for a bit, then to dinner at a great pizza place. Then back to the bar - I was sober, only drinking 7 up. Alex and Johanna crashed at 9pm for an hour (supposedly), leaving just me, Brook and Logan to discuss Magic, Chaos Theory, gaming and whatever came to mind.

The three of us headed home about 10:15pm, all very, very tired.

It was a very good, very long day.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Congratulations Johanna and Alex!

Sunday. Slept in so late. It was nice! Woke up and realized... There is no more wedding to worry about! I'll bet that Alex and Johanna are dancing in the sheets! ... Whoops! Streets, even. *wicked evil grin*

Then, I went I got a tattoo on my lower back. DAMN, it hurt. My StarFire symbol - crescent moon with an 8 pointed star and surrounded by flames. Beautiful piece. Took me an hour and a half. I whimpered through most of it. Not fun. It's making me rethink my "Tree of Life" full back tattoo.

Next time, maybe I will get some Valium. That will help my muscles relax.

I was remembering the wedding. There was this one lady, Gretta, who kept wanting me to hook up with someone - anyone. I think she was well into her cups by that point. She kept prodding me, so, I finally told that I was hooking up with Brook. He was the first person that I saw that I would even consider hooking up with... Mostly because I had had sex with him, the weekend before and was still feeling pretty randy.

(Not that I wouldn't date Brook if I had the chance. And he didn't live so far away. I really like him a lot but I don't think he's in a 'settling down' mood. At least, not now.)

Funny how good sex makes you want to have more. I've been casting an amarous eye about to see if there were any that I would be interested in and would be interested in me, at the same time. Still, a fat lot of good it would have done me with me riding the cotton pony. *grump*

Over all, though, with the bridesmaid dresses actually looking good - we got so many compliments. I remember, BrianT walked up to me with a particular swagger that made my head turn and told me that he thought I looked very good. I think I'm swinging back into lusting after him again. Too bad he's always so busy and I'm not not sure I'm his type. *smile*

SUNBURN! Owwie! My face, neck, shoulders and chest are sunburned from the wedding. (It was an outdoor wedding.) Owwie! Darn it. I hate sunburns. Between that and my tattoo.... I'm just one big walking ouch!

Of course, compared to people like Rob, EricL, Logan and Dave, I've barely been sunkissed. I feel sorry for those who have been burned on the forehead and head. Talk about OUCH!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Aloe! Where is the aloe?!

Work is about to give me an experimental VPN router for my computer. It will let me play with Clearcase and Clearquest at home. *yeah* Fun stuff. That way, when I work at home - I can REALLY work at home.

Sunburns, like sore muscles, are worse the second day around. Damn, I was just ouching all over the place. Between the sunburn and my tattoo, I suddenly became a grumpy old man with the old man walk. I've not heard myself whimper so much since I let Treasure put a paddle to me.

Well... it's the 25th. No phone call from the EnglishGuy. Guess he didn't make it to the States after all. Go fig. *sigh* I don't even know why I remembered the date. I guess I was hoping that through this all, I was wrong and I would get a phone call. Something to show me that I wasn't right about assholes all the time.

Talked to Terry today. He's minorly freaking out about the Live Action Call of Cthulu game that he is putting on as Serious Moonlight at Game Con on Friday. Seems just about everyone has flaked out on him. That sucks. Even I had to flake a little with my class. I can't get there before 6pm and that's when the game starts. Damn.

So, I made it up to him and BrianT by doing some emergency prop shopping for them. It's not every day that you have a shopping list that includes: Glow-lights, cobwebs, ten 2 foot dowels, candles, black saran wrap, bones, mini flashlights and dark sheets. I didn't get all of it. Only the cobwebs, dowels, saran wrap and bones. I'm going to go visit Liquid Light, which is in Redwood city for the Glow lights.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Casey! Help!I have a prop emergency!"

Work is holding steady at darned busy with minor fires here and there. But, I'm holding my own and that makes me very happy.

... So, Akien comes strolling into my cube and says... "So, now that you've settled yourself in here and are nice and comfy, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind moving into the Cave with us."

Er?

Seems that Lina REALLY hates being in the Cave because her cube is too small and the Cave is too loud. And Akien asked if I would like to switch with her. *hmmmm* Sounds inviting... (Ha!) Seriously though, I don't mind small places. (Moving from a 10 x 10 cube to a 8 x 10 cube... to a 6 x 7 cube?) But, the noise might annoy me. A lot. Still, I would feel a lot more apart of the QA group. A bit of security that I need.

So, I decided yes, I'll move. It's a nice gesture and it will give an added benefit. I'll just have to get a GOOD set of comfy earphones so that I can shut the world out.

I'm starting to work on my "Swan Sottall" serial again. Some nice, fun popcorn writing. And you all will see it first! (Thrilled, I'm sure.) I'm trying to think of a 1 - 2 paragraph teaser for it. What kind of teaser can you write for a serial that is about extraordinary events happening to ordinary people and them rising to meet the challenge? I like to think of it as a cross of "True Lies" with "Twin Peaks" with "X-Files" with "Millenium" and a LOT of wishful thinking. I know, a VERY odd mixture of concepts. And, get this... the characters are based on my life as of one year ago.

From a friend, Megan:

"Yesterday, we went out for supper and Dana spilled water all over herself. So, I had to take her into the bathroom and change her clothes, and of course, being three, Damien decided he had to go to the bathroom. So, I took him, too. (Being Victoria Vay, it was packed and almost all the stalls were full.) He went into a stall, and a few seconds later, he yells at the top of his lungs..."

"MOMMY! MY PENIS IS BROKEN!!!"

(Then, a few seconds later, he starts to go and then says...)

"NEVERMIND, IT'S WORKING NOW."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Trust, I seek and find in you... Everyday for us, something new. Open mind for a different view... and Nothing else matters..." - Metallica

Akien and I had a long discussion on the responsibility of an employee to the manager. Some really good stuff. He is of the mind that the employee has a need and a responsibility to the manager to tell the manager on how to manage them best. If giving cold hard deadline dates is best, tell him - or, he might just say, "Get it done next week." Instead of saying, "I need this by Thursday, 3pm."

Communication is a two way street and managers are not mind readers. They do not know when they have stepped on toes, nor do they know who you are and how you function best - unless you talk to them. Especially if you are dissatisfied with them or your job. In general, your boss is NOT out to get you. If there is a problem, they will do what they can to fix it or may it more tolerable.

Akien has done a lot of work trying to make his department feel safe while challenging them. He is pretty rare as bosses go. I like it.

I just joined the SETI@home project. Their blurb is:

"SETI@home is a scientific experiment that will harness the power of hundreds of thousands of Internet-connected computers in the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI). You can participate by running a program that downloads and analyzes radio telescope data. There's a small but captivating possibility that your computer will detect the faint murmur of a civilization beyond Earth."

Kinda neat, really. I have it running at work and at home, in the background. I do support SETI and Nasa. I fully believe that our future is in the stars. I seriously doubt that I will be the one to find a signal. Still, the thought is intriguing and worth it to have this as a screensaver.

Every dream is important.

Robert is in the City until Friday. I was going to have dinner with him, yesterday, but his work has him too busy to think. I was really, really disappointed. So, today, after class (*ew*), I'm going to pick him up at the BART. We'll have dinner and the go to my game. He gets to watch me GM for the first time. I think I'm going have him my baby dragon. He'll get a kick out of that.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "You've got to be some kind of fool to believe that we are all alone in this universe." Jack Burton, Big Trouble in Little China.

Had my Clearcase Class today. It was taught by George, the same guy who taught the first sections of the class that I took way back in February in Boulder. He's a good teacher and kept up the pace well.

The best part... We'll be out early on Friday. So, I can make it to Terry and Brian's Call of Cthulu game!

Saw Robert tonight. I gave him his wedding gift. A piece of Lenox - a knight carrying his maiden, love. He loved it. And Kelly thinks she will love it, too. Seems I might be seeing more of him over this summer due to work.

We had a good chat before and after the College game. He had a blast playing the baby dragon. He told me something that amazed me. Apparently, when ChrisT [OLD college friend who had had a crush on me.] got together with his girlfriend (now wife), Angel, she was threatened by me. Now, we are speaking years ago. ChrisT and I never were together but apparently, I made much more of an impact on him that I ever knew ... ever will understand. Enough that Angel considered me a threat, even though she had never met me and I was in another state.

The things we discover about the past. Even if it did happen a few years ago, I am amazed (and a bit flattered) by it.

...

I think the best part about visiting with Robert is that he gives me hope for finding someone of my own. I don't want him. I want what he has. He and Kelly are perfect for each other. I can see it in the look on his face when he thinks about her. I hear it in the way that he says her name. And there is that little half smile that he just can't hide. It just makes me so very happy for him and Kelly.

But... my happiness is a little bit bittersweet when I think about going home to my empty bed.

Saturday. I slept until 1pm and don't feel a bit guilty. Yesterday had been a LONG LONG day. I went to the second half of my Clearcase class and had one heck of a time paying attention. I did understand everything so, when he finished up his last lecture and said that the lab was optional, I was out of there like a bat out of hell.

Drove home, called Terry about the Serious Moonlight Call of Cthulu LARP and he had me head out there then. I arrived at the Masonic Lodge about 4pm and immediately was put to work. For two hours, I worked on one of the large rooms, the outside and the "temple." The game was supposed to start at 6pm. We had only 4 players at that point.

This is a game for 25-30. Terry and Brian start pacing as they are finishing up things. By 7pm, we have 12 players and we've been told that there is no shuttle (as promised) from the Con. By 7:30, the head of the Con is out here to get registrations. He tells us that there never was a shuttle from the Con. Terry and Brian are despairing. Even with moving the two Assistant GMs (Me and Alex) to characters, We only have 14 players.

Brian is defeated. 2 months of work for nothing. We MUST have 18 players to make the storyline viable. He tells us this sadly, thanks everyone who is waiting, thanks those of us who have put some serious work into the Con and tells everyone that they are going to wait until 8pm and if we don't have the required players, we will have to cancel. My heart sinks at this for me and them. All this work, for nothing.

After Brian's speech, there is a total *flurry* of phone calls via the pay phones and cell phones. We are looking for just those 4 players. I make a joke about going to the church next door. A couple of people take me seriously and head over there.

By 8pm, we have 17 players. Terry comes out to talk to us (after having a private discussion with Brian - I think it was a pep talk) and tells us that the game will go on, even without the required players. The fact that EVERYONE was trying to do something to get those needed players told him that the Game Must Go On and they will make do.

So, the game begins. We start outside. It is bloody cold. The wind is whipping about. It is dark. I am playing a sadist orderly from the local asylum. They start the "dig" into the temple. My group can do nothing. We have a doctor, a nurse, me and 3 heavily drugged loonies. Not a really good conversation. We drop out of character and then discover (after I warned them) that we've been locked out of the Lodge and Nick (and the keys) had headed back to the Con for some reason.

Brian and Terry are still going ahead as it will take time for them to get through in to the Temple. Me and my group are freezing and we've been on our feet for hours. We decide to take shelter in heated cars until it's our turn to go in.

Finally, Nick returns and the game continues. We actually have a really, good time. Lots of mayhem, scary stuff and darkness. I don't know what time it is. We've been playing for a while when I start to notice this pressure behind my right eyeball. I ignore it and continue on. Minutes later, I am beginning to feel like my face wants to peel off my skull. A friend gives me aspirin. I go looking for water in this pitch black Lodge with only a 'torch' (An ingenious idea of Terry - glow-sticks attached to a stick) to guide me.

As I am walking alone through the room I set up Nick (the evil ghoul) leaps out at me with a growl, making me scream and then yelp, "I'm not here! I'm not here!"

His response, "Sure you are, you're right here."

We had a good laugh of it. I still want to beat him from scaring me. I take the medicine. The short story (too late) - it doesn't work and have I leave. I left at 1:20 with the game in fullswing. I have no idea when it ended.

Johanna tells me that it was glorious - death and mayhem all around. And that her character survived... yet again.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "The Show must go on!"

What a nice day yesterday. Got to Johanna's place about 4pm. I met her friend Brian from Connecticut. He is a really neat guy. Attractive, too. And tall... and broad shouldered. With red hair! He calls himself a 'viking throw back.' I'm not one to disagree. Damn, I wish they made them like that out here. It's not that the guys out here aren't attractive, but I've -always- had a thing for large men. I love tall. I love broad shouldered. Even at my slimmest, I am still 5'8", broad shouldered and strong. I like a man that I know I couldn't beat at arm wrestling. I also like the height. There is something comforting about that. Well, in any case, he's very, very cool and too bad he lives in Connecticut.

But, I disagress. Johanna and I looked at her Wedding photos proofs. She looked -beautiful- in ALL of them. Me? I looked good in the pictures that the others did not look good in. Half of them, I look like I'm standing at attention. The other half... I look like my mother. It is startling to see my mother looking back at me when I look at pictures of myself.

Of course, there were the usual internal horrified comments. "Oh my God, is that my face?" "I'm so fat!" (Which I am, I know it and will work on it. But MAN, when you stand next to someone who is a size 4... *OUCH*) "I hate my smile!" Etc... etc... etc... I got those out of my system and then we headed out to Bay Books and dinner.

Bay Books, as usual, was awesome! I picked up #2 in the Magical Philosophy series and some gaming books. There went half of my spending money for the week. Ah, well. It's worth it, I think.

OMG! Dinner was a blast. I don't know the last time I laughed so much. My sides were aching. Alex and Brian were a devestating team. When Brian joked (?) about moving out here, Alex made comments about him, Brian, Brook and Dave getting together to 'do things.' I think the look on my face matched the frightened look on Johanna's face. What an interesting prospect. Talk about hell raising. I wonder if anyone would survive such an event? *hehehe*

After dinner at Max's Cafe (great place), when went to see THE MOVIE again. I actually like Star Wars, despite Jar Jar Binks. I also realized that, yes, this was nothing more than a two hour introduction of the important characters in the coming next two movies. And, I REALLY like the Jedi fighting scenes. They are just awesome.

Got back to Alex and Johanna's place. I gathered up my stuff, gave everyone hugs (Brian gives *good* hugs) and headed on home. Someone was watching out for me. Not once. Not twice. But FOUR times, cop cars came whipping by me without hesistation and each time, I was sitting on about 75 mph. I'm lucky they seemed to be distracted.

It struck me again how much Liam Neeson as Qui Gon Jinn looks like my friend, Kevin Jones. At points in the movie, I was half way expecting Kevin's voice to come out of Qui Gon's mouth and it was a bit startling when it didn't. Among his many, many talents, Kevin is a computer programmer and a black belt in Aikido. We often refer to him as "the unflappable Dr. Jones." (Hmmm. I wonder if we can convince him to be a Jedi for Halloween.)

I have the Bedlam's Rest pizza meeting tonight. I wonder what is going to happen. I haven't made any plans at all. *hmmmm* I guess I should think about it it.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee!" - Queen Amaidala, Star Wars.

This is all Michael's fault from Baker Street and his May 30th journal entry.

Question: What vegetable do you most resemble?
My Answer: A pear. No explaination needed.

Question: If you could change one physical feature what would it be?
My Answer: My weight.

Question: Describe yourself in one word.
My Answer: Compassionate.

Question: What is your greatest attribute?
My Answer: My ability to communicate.

Question: What character trait do you most detest in others?
My Answer: The inability to make a decision in a timely manner.

Question: Whom do you envy and why?
My Answer: I don't think I really envy anyone.

Question: How would your friends characterize you: moody, happy-go-lucky, pensive, withdrawn or stupendously wonderful.
My Answer: Moody. *grin*

Question: In a sentence describe the philosophy by which you live.
My Answer: Live and let live.

Question: Into what TV family would you like to have been born?
My Answer: The Jetsons!

Question: If you were to come back as an animal, vegetable or mineral, what would you choose?
My Answer: Animal: Cat. *grin*

Question: What profession intrigues you?
My Answer: I'd like to be a member of the Talamasca or the Watchers or the Legacy Foundation.

Question: If you could completely change your style, what would you choose?
My Answer: Um....?

Question: Who is your favorite fictional character?
My Answer: Scully! She is one ass-kicking babe. Or, Anita Blake. Same reason

Question: What animal is most like you?
My Answer: Um... Cat? Moody and cuddly.

Question: In what novel would you most like to have lived?
My Answer: Way too many to count. Maybe "Time Enough for Love" or "Nueromancer"

Question: What super-power would you most like to have?
My Answer: Instant teleportation. No doubt about it.

Question: When in history would you most like to have been born?
My Answer: My own.

Question: What is the greatest invention of the twentieth century?
My Answer: Computers.

Question: Describe your perfect day.
My Answer: Sleep in, wake with my love, spend the day doing things like reading, walks, exploring a castle. Dinner and a movie and then late night cuddling and etc... *smile*

Question: When are you most at ease?
My Answer: When I am surrounded by the comfortable and familiar.

Question: What becomes a Canadian legend most?
My Answer: Not Canadian.

Question: What is your greatest regret?
My Answer: It is a private regreat

Question: Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
My Answer: Hopefully with someone, enjoying life.

Question: For what do you most want to be remembered?
My Answer: My writing.

I've been watching Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. I don't remember Luke being such a whiny brat. Wow. He was annoying. I suppose, because I was a lot younger, I considered his whining to be high drama at the time. Now, *whew* I was wincing at his every word.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Do or not do. There is no try." Yoda, Empire Strikes Back.