May 2005

The Running Man
When I was in college at UP, I had several sets of friends: my AFROTC buddies, my non-AFROTC buddies, my off campus buddies. Most of my on-campus friends hated my off -ampus friends and vice versa. Mostly because they were extreme left wing, paranoid conspiracy weekend warriors. Yeah. Didn't mix well with my more conservative, in the military friends. It got to the point that I stopped telling each group about what I did with the other group. Mostly because there was a lot of disapproval on both sides.

Yeah. Some of the stuff I did with my off-campus buddies was dangerous but I was young and immortal. Nothing could happen. We had all of these elaborate games we would play. Some fun and silly. Some of them were a bit nutty. Some of them were a bit on the dangerous side that's what made them so enticing.

One game was called Gotcha or Running Man. One person would be the Target or the Running Man. The rest would be the Trackers or Dogs. We would pick a starting point and an ending point. The Endpoint was usually next to or in front of an all night diner type of place. The Running Man got a 10 to 15 minute head start before the Dogs where on the chase. The basic rules were: No cars. Two hands on the Target with the spoken word of "Gotcha!" catches them. Two hands on the Endpoint location signified that the Running Man made it safely.

Sometimes, we would add in little role-playing details: Spy versus spy; Escaped prisoner; etc.... They weren't necessary but they were fun. One game, we played with toy guns but that got nipped in the bud when reports of cops shooting people with toy guns started surfacing. We decided the game was dangerous enough as it was because it was played late-late at night when the freaks were out.

I loved being the Running Man. I won the game more often than I lost. Most of the time, the game was played just for bragging rights and "No Shit, there I was..." stories. I tell you, the times I was the Target were awesome. I was a svelte 150 pounds and in prime military condition. I could run for miles without stopping, literally. Being chased through the darkened streets of downtown Portland was an incredible high. The paranoia, the thrill of being hunted or being the hunter, the blood pounding in your ears. I never felt so free in my life as when I was playing this game.

I think, that's why I love my running dreams so much. I want to be able to run like that again.

I have been thinking about Gotcha a lot lately. I really want to play it again. It can be played in the middle of the day or at night. Obviously, I can't run like I used to but I'm still smart and sly. I could still Dog the Target or make it to the Endpoint. I'm seriously thinking about setting up a couple of games of Gotcha over the summer. I wonder if anyone else is interested in playing it with me.

Later...

I've been talking with friends about this and everyone seems very interested in such a physical chase and be chased game. It also looks like some people are really interested in a version of the game where it is smaller play area with more buildings, like a college campus, for a more stalking (updated Hide -n- Seek) game. Same basic rules. I'm very pleasantly surprised that people like the idea and want to play.

Also, I have a tentative game set up for California when I visit in late September /early August! It will probably be on Stanford campus. Woot! I have a goal! I really need to work on getting in shape for a Running Man game now. Talk about motivation. If only I had thought to ask people if they wanted to play sooner. I thought it might be too simplistic or silly for everyone. If you are interested in being a Running Man or a Dog, let me know.

Man, I'm excited! This is going to be fun!

Recent Dreamlines...:

The Dreamer - My Beltane dream. This was a disturbing dream for me. So much so that it took me a couple of days to write it down. I am part of a dream study in Seattle. I am discovered to be an amazing dreamer who predicts the future. However, as it turns out, I am not just dreaming, I am creating and am making all of these things come to pass - including the end of the world.

Tacoma Screw - Interesting and strange dream this morning. It reminds me very much of a pseudo-birth dream in some instances. I am being chased by an animated construction vehicle. I instinctively flee to a remote farmhouse where I discover that this has all been planned for and I can escape through a secret tunnel. Ben has a cameo role in it. He continues to represent the archetype of the creative facilitator for me in my dreams.

I've been indulging in Starbucks lately and I happened by their website to look at the nutritional information. Great googlimoogli! Dear gods, my drink of choice is 510 calories! That's like a meal in and of itself! I am so going to have to quit drinking them and drop back to the much more manageable 180 calorie prepackaged mocha frappacino.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Swords, Inverted

Friends & Writing
Last week, I got to spend a lot of time with Greg (aka Vulpin) while he was up here for training for his new job. It was great. I got to introduce him to some of my friends, show him around my home and have him meet my cat (who liked him and only tried to bite him a couple of times). I took him out to Rikki Rikki for sushi and to Greenwood for Chinese. All of which met with his approval.

The coolest thing about the visit is that I got to do some touristy things with him. We went to the Science Fiction Museum and the Space Needle. The Sci-Fi museum was awesome. I'm so glad I went. I'm a member now. Going through the museum made me want to take a month off to do nothing but read. There's so much I haven't read yet and I seem to have so little time these days. I really want to go again.

At the Space Needle, Greg and I decided to have the overpriced brunch ($38/person but included the $13 price to ride to the top of the Needle) that turned out to be actually very, very tasty. I was surprised. I had been warned that the food in the restaurant was pretty mediocre. I guess they got a new menu and/or chef. The three course meal was worth the price. Plus, eating in a rotating restaurant is really fun. But, once again, it proved to me that I have no sense of direction at all. The only thing I could figure out where the different bodies of water.

On the Writing front, I have good and bad news. My poem, "The Answer" is being published in Voracity Beat's, The Right Words, Volume 1. It is planned to be out by Fall 2005. That was nice and unexpected. On the bad side, one of the big named authors had to drop out of writing for Grants Pass. He is too far behind on his latest novel. Understandable but I am still sulking a lot. The other author is still juggling his schedule but hasn't said no, yet.

I just remembered that the due date for Grants Pass is May 15th. I may have to push that out a bit. Also, I'm trying to decide if I want to post a Call for Submission on the Ralan list or not.

I'm in between contracts for Sovereign Press right now but I've been told Holy Order of Stars is due out by July 2005 and Time of the Twins is due out by Gen Con 2005. I think I'm going to start focusing on Kendrick for now. I know they have more stuff for me coming up but I think that will be in late summer.

I got my final retention bonus this last week for staying on from PlaceWare to MS Live Meeting. It's pretty nice. I'm happy with it. However, this puts me in the position of no longer being obligated to the Live Meeting team at work. It is weird. These two years of officially working for Microsoft have gone by quickly. Now that I have a choice on whether or not I want to go or stay, I really don't know what I want to do. I still haven't decided if I want to shift into a Program Manager position or remain in Test. What I think I really want is a Producer or Designer position over in MSgames but I suspect those positions are few and far in-between. That's not going to stop me from looking into it.

I've been in an angry mood lately. I'm not sure why. It makes me impatient and a lot less tolerable of what I consider to be whining, stupidity or ignorance. I've found myself snapping at friends and being a lot more blunt than usual. I don't mean to be and I try to catch myself before I lash out but I'm not always successful; especially when someone is venting at me over something I consider inane or someone's blatant attempt to manipulate them. Sure, it's easy to ask, "Why do you put up with it?" or "Why do you let them manipulate you like that?" Not so easy to deal with it most of the time. Of course, in the mood I've been in, I would lay the smack down on the offending person, be considered a bitch and honestly not care.

I know my mood isn't cycle related since that's over and done with now. It might be related to allergies and tiredness. I'm not sure. I just know I've been fantasizing about ripping some people's throats out with my teeth and that is never a good sign. Even my dreams, what bits I remember of them, have been angry and violent.

So, I've been trying to channel this unexplained anger (sometimes rage) into angry music and movement. Unfortunately, I've proven too uncoordinated for DDR which is too bad. Looks like I'm going to have to go to good old fashioned walking/biking/elliptical at the ProClub. I hope this mood breaks soon. I don't like walking around like a ticking time bomb of emotional anger ready to lash out.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Swords

Paranoia and That Girl
As if rage were not enough, I now have a healthy dose of paranoia to go with it. I thought I was keeping a decent enough handle on it until a couple of days ago when a friend and co-worker dropped a bomb on me about the crap that she had been going through at work that I had had no clue of. She had kept it quiet because of personal reasons and because she knew I would freak. She was right. I did freak for various reasons.

This freaking out about my job possibly being in jeopardy has led my mind on a merry chase through hell for the past couple of days. My condo assessment is in full swing and that makes my house payment with the HOA dues over $2k/month. This bothers me a lot. It means that I -must- bring in a certain amount of money every month just to survive. Money always bothers me. I don't like having to worry about it. I hate having to worry about it.

My mind spun through the possibility of me having to move to a smaller, more affordable place but, with the assessment that must be paid off if I sold this place, my condo's value is less than what I'm paying for it and I would end up in the hole. I think. I don't know. I would have to call my fabulous real estate guy to know. But, I don't want to move. Not at all. I like where I am. I like all the space. I like having room for kittens and guests.

The other possibility was that I could get a room mate to help with the house payment. That is a touchy situation for me. I don't think I would be willing to rent out a room to someone I didn't know. There are few I can think of that I could deal with living here with me. I'm kind of set in my way. They would have to be mostly loner types who enjoy online games or writing or something that would not involve them being around me a lot while, at the same time, enjoying the occasional conversation and/or dinner together. A lot to ask.

Or, I could just go on as I am, muck with my budget and hope for the best. I'm not sure I like this idea. But, one thing is certain, I hate the fact that I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of losing my job. I had been happy with Patrick. Now, with my new boss, I've been doing well. At least, no complaints. I feel very fortunate not to have gotten anyone else. However, this whole situation has really rattled me a lot. It's making me rethink my career at Microsoft again. Man, I hate this stuff.

Because of my recent crappy mood, I have invented a little game I play with myself in order to cheer myself up. I call it, "That Girl." Whenever I go somewhere, walking through the building at work, walking outside for exercise, going to the grocery store, etc... I pretend I am That Girl. You know, the girl who is the focus of the movie, the video or the commercial. The girl who walks in slow motion that everyone stops to look at. The girl that everyone wants to be with or be like.

In my mind, I pretend that I am That Girl. I slow my pace down and lengthen my stride. I put on my "I have a secret" smile and I blink my eyes slowly as I turn my head from side to side, sweeping my gaze across my stage, looking for something interesting. I let my hips sway enticingly; I glance at people, looking them in the eye and acknowledge them. I am That Girl and everyone else belongs to my background set pieces. Occasionally, one of the extras is highlighted when I have to interact with them.

It doesn't matter what I'm That Girl for: a video, a montage sequence in a movie, a commercial for what I'm wearing, drinking or doing. I just am That Girl. When I have my iPod going, the song is my soundtrack and fits into the fantasy in my head. My pace moves in time with the music and the story morphs to fit the words. I pretend people want to know what I'm listening to, smiling about, thinking, where I'm going.

Sometimes, it surprises me how much this cheers me up. It's even better when people do respond to me. People in the hallway wonder what I'm up to and/or grin back at me. People on the street or in cars wave at me. They make me feel like That Girl and it's awesome.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Swords, Inverted

Plans for Change
During the movie "Closer", two of the characters talked about what they were like when they broke off a relationship. One character, Alice, said, "I just say, 'I don't love you anymore. Good-bye.' Then, I leave." The other character was aghast at this, asking how she could do it like that and Alice said to him something along the lines of, "How can you not? To drag it out would be cruel." Today, I completely identify with her.

Mom: *picks up the phone* "Hello?"
Me: "Hi Mom."
Mom: "Hi honey. What's up?"
Me: "I'm selling my house and quitting my job... and I'm not joking."
Mom: *pause* "You don't sound like it. So... what happened?"

This may seem sudden to some people but it has been a long time coming for me. Last Tuesday was the breaking point. A switch was thrown and I no longer had any doubts about what I wanted to do in regards to my home, my job, my life.

For months, I have been agonizing over my increased house payment due to the special assessment levied by my home owners association. I've gone through a whole range of emotions from fear to optimism. In fact, last week, I sat down with my budget and proved to myself, without a shadow of a doubt, I could make the monthly house payment and still live fairly comfortably. It wasn't pretty but I wouldn't be eating ramen for meals unless that is what I wanted eat.

For months, I have been grumbling over my job situation. Three different bosses in one year. One terrible. One fabulous. One decent enough but tainted by the fact that I have a fundamental unhappiness with his boss' management style. Recently, I received my second year retention bonus and suddenly, all obligations to stay in my current job vanished. Though, just a couple weeks ago, I had convinced myself that all would be well and I could deal with what was coming down the pipe.

However, last week, I found out something about work that was happening to a friend of mine. During it my name came up in a less than complimentary fashion that hinted at bad things to come for me as well. This caused me to talk to my boss. Tuesday, he got back to me about the situation and the feedback. The short of it is that I am being screwed by two things: First, the switch from STE to SDET and the demanded skills increase to go with it. Second, the team's perception of who I am and what I do for the team. There is little I can do about the former problem. As for the latter problem, I have serious doubts about its validity since, even now, I am still being confused for another member of the team.

Officially, I am not in trouble. There is no formal anything coming down the pipe. But, my boss, who has been happy with me since I started working for him has to fight with a perception of my lack of consistency from outside that started with the Uber Boss Beast. After I was told all this, I discovered that I just don't have it in me to fight against this perception anymore. I just don't have the interest in the product after 5.5 years of working on it. I just don't have the energy for this constant conflict. I -thought- I was doing good but, apparently, that counts for nothing around my team.

Tuesday, it all came to a head. I thought, "I can't do this. I need a new job. Something different. But, with my house payment, I have to bring in a certain amount of money every month just to live. An amount that is not insignificant. I can't get a job I want because I have to support a condo that I love but no longer believe is worth what I'm having to pay for it. I'm trapped. I am completely trapped because I felt I had to have the American Dream of owning a home. I don't want this anymore." That is the moment when it all was decided. It was time to sell my condo and switch jobs.

"I don't love you anymore. Good-bye."

Once the decision was made, I started feeling better. I called my fabulous real estate guy and we talked. He gave me better news than I was expecting. It will be possible to sell my condo at a price that will allow me to break even or possibly make a little money. It will all come down to timing. I won't be able to put it on the market for 3-6 months because of the construction going on around here. He wants my building completely done and ready for showing before it is listed.

On the job front, I've had the fabulous ex-boss shred my resume for me while I put it back together. It is ready for submission. Also, I have spoken to another friend who is showing me how to put together a skills based resume instead of job based resume because I am looking to get out of Test and into something like web content management or tech writing. A third friend, who works at SolutionsIQ has already hooked me up with one of their people who already has two jobs for me to look at. Internally, I've already started making queries for such jobs inside MS. This weekend or Monday, I will be submitting my resume to some of the other jobs I'm interested in.

Yes. I am moving fast. I know it. Once I make a decision, that's it. I go for it. I have already said good-bye in my heart to my condo. I will miss it a great deal. I know it. It has so much to offer. But, I've already picked up some boxes to start packing up things. I will begin in my library/junk room. I suspect, I will be tossing out a lot of stuff. Mostly because I didn't have to pack myself when I moved up here from CA. So, I didn't have the chance to do the traditional moving purge. I'm looking forward to it. "I haven't needed you in two years. Good-bye. Off to the garbage-friends-charity-etc you go." I will also be purging my book collection. My friends get to come by and have first dibs, of course. Then, the rest goes to Twice Sold Tales in the U-district.

At my job, I've already started discreetly cleaning out some of the personal effects out of the cabinets and I've nuked my "personal" folder on my computer. I am being careful to get all of my work done on time and to plan for being there longer than I want to be. I am going to try not to burn this bridge because my boss has been decent to me. Plus, he can decide if I can interview elsewhere in the company. I'm really hoping he doesn't try to block it. I don't think he will.

I am feeling so much better than I have in months. I have something to look forward to. After months of inexplicable rage and a depressed attitude, this is a wonderful change. It's not going to be easy. Change never is. But, by the end of the year, I will no longer be trapped and that means the world to me.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Swords

Progress
Construction is scheduled to start on my condo next week. I've spent most of this weekend working on cleaning up the place and moving stuff away from the windows. I've been told that the guys start work about 7am. That means no more wandering around the place in the nude in the morning or sleeping in the nude. The first week is supposed to be all about tearing things out. The second week is when they will have to start coming into my home to replace the windows and doors. I do not know how long they will need to have access to my home. From the sounds of it, about 3 weeks.

Have I mentioned how much I really hate the idea of strangers in my home when I'm not here? Hate. Hate. Hate. I'm really worried for my cat as well. It being springtime, she's full of vim, vigor and vive... and has tried to escape several times. It's a lot worse than normal. I'm pondering locking her in the cat room on a daily basis while the construction is going on. I'm so afraid that she is going to escape and I'll never see her again. I've gotten fond of the princess. I don't want to lose her.

On the good side of things, I think I will use this ruckus as an excuse to start going back to the gym in the morning. If they are going to start pounding on the walls and needing access to my home at 7am, I don't want to be here.

Progress on the Fix Jenn's Life(TM) project is proceeding well enough for now. My ultimate goal is to be in a new home and a new job by the end of this year. I am hoping it is a lot sooner than that but I can live with a year end deadline. Even though I can't put the condo on the market for a good 3-6 months, I'm starting to get the house packed. I'm giving stuff away. I've put my resume out there. I am doing all that I can now to keep things moving. I know I should be patience on the job front but I'm not. My ideal plan is to be in a new job by the middle of June. I have to be out of MS by the end of July because I really don't want to go through another review process. Those things are brutal and I really don't need to hear how much I'm just not making the grade. My ego has taken enough of a beating as is.

For the TMI portion of the journal, I have finally found a doctor, nurse actually, that I am willing to perform my annual pap smear test. My nurse practitioner, Nurse Payne (yes, this really is her name), has proven to me that she can do the job without me being anymore uncomfortable than necessary and completely pain free. Let me repeat that: a completely pain free pap smear. I have never had a completely pain free annual exam. Ever. It's why I hate them and why my annual exam often isn't. I also talked to her about the Essure procedure. She had never heard of it but she found out that the doctors at the women's clinic do it.

I finally finished most of the cleaning out of the back room now in order to move the desk and the bookcase away from the window that is being replaced. I've needed to do this cleaning up and purging of this room for a long time. While some of it has been painful most of it has been good for me. I've thrown out a whole lot of stuff. Stuff that has been weighing me down. All history that I really don't need with me anymore. Now, all I have left is to go through my books, packing up the ones I want and organizing the ones I'm going to give away or sell to Half Price Books and Twice Sold Tales.

Cleaning and purging of that room has unearthed a ton of unexpected and surprising items. What a trip down memory lane it has been. I have to admit, I'm being extremely brutal about the purging I'm doing. If I haven't looked at it or thought about it in 2 years and I didn't have a strong emotional reaction to rediscovering it, out it went. Some of the things I have found while cleaning out the back room and library:

1. The StarQuest '97 artist alley table cloth. It was something that the guy running artist alley did all three years: '95, '97, '98. He bought a white table cloth and had all of the artists in artist alley draw on it. It was an unexpected find. I'm not sure why I have it. It brought back a whole lot of memories from that time in my life. Both good and bad.

2. Lots of notebooks. An empty sketchbook, a couple of story idea notebooks, my budget ledger from 1996 and 1997 when money was really tight. It was interesting to look back at it. Lots of empty notebooks. I seem to collect them.

3. Lots of missing tools. There have been a whole lot of, "So, that's where my hammer (or screwdriver) has been hiding!"

4. Jewelry. Some of it, I just threw away. My griffin pendant is very special to me. I had thought I had lost it. My high priestess pendant. A green man pendant. An antique man's seal ring with the initials S.A. on it.

5. Poetry from friends. This one surprised me. I remember getting the poetry. I remember reading it. I didn't remember that it was so good and I didn't remember keeping it.

6. All my military stuff, including my butter bar. This trip down memory lane sucked. All the paper work. All those things I did to try and stay in the military. All of it failed. I shredded most of it. The good and the bad. All of the certificates of awards received. All of the medical stuff. Most of it no longer matters. Most. I kept the butter bar for now.

7. A photocopy of a newspaper clipping and photo of me with my Star Trek club. Yes, I was in uniform. Yes. I looked hot. I remember someone telling me that that picture was a perfect recruiting picture: one pretty girl surrounded by geeky guys.

8. KAOS rules. The Killer game I ran in college. You have to see these rules to believe it.

9. My treasure chest. Yes. I'm one of those weird people who have a chest of coins. I really like the silver dollars, silver half dollars, Susannah B. Anthony dollars and Sacagawea gold dollar coins. I collect them and put them in my treasure chest. It was a joy to find. Currently, I have 6 silver dollars, 12 silver half dollars and 27 Sacagawea dollars in it. Not much of a monetary treasure but very cool for me.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Wands, Inverted