May 2004

May 3, 2004
Plays Well With Others
Recently, I've been thinking about how I interact with other people. In general, I play well with others. I'm willing to compromise, to listen, to brainstorm, to follow, to lead or whatever my playmates want to do. However, just because I play well with others, it doesn't mean I share well with others. I think, on some things, it is all a matter of control. There are three things that I know I don't share well: my car, my library and my money.

With my car, I don't share well because it is a symbol and a means of my independence. I will happily give people rides as long as I'm driving. It is a very rare thing that I let someone other than me drive my car and always while I'm with them. I never, ever loan out my car. To anyone. I have no idea what they will do with my car while they have it. I don't want to risk losing it to someone else's mistake.

With my library, I don't share well because, not only am I a bibliophile, I have this thing about collecting sets and series. Especially with books. I'll loan out CDs and DVDs with no problem but, If I loan you a book, boy, I must really like and trust you a lot. Books have a way of never being returned. I've lost more books that way. Also, in the past, if I did get the book back, it was often mangled. Now, I don't keep my books pristine but, I don't dog-ear books, rip pages and I don't read them in the tub where they can be dropped.

With my money, I don't share control of it well because it is my independence. I'll loan and give away money but, at this point, I cannot fathom what it would be like to merge my money with someone else's into a single back account. I am absolutely paranoid about paying bills on time and keeping my debt as low as possible. Giving up even partial control of my money would show not only trust but the willingness to let someone else be partly responsible for my well-being.

Thinking about this, I guess, I have real issues where my independence and self reliance is concerned. I'm happy to share most things but not those things that mean the most to me. I'll share my books, car and money but only if I'm in control. I know that. I'm trying to decide if this discovery is a personal flaw of mine or if it is nothing more than discovering my personal boundaries. Honestly, I'm leaning towards the latter because I feel absolutely no compunction to modify any of this behavior of mine.

I've started the Microsoft Engineer Excellence Guideline Course for New Testers. This is an 8 session course put on by Microsoft, for Microsoft employees. I am already impressed with the guy teaching the class, BJ. He is a very dynamic person who is passionate about teaching and about testing. The point of view that he is coming from and is teaching us to move toward is not one I've really encountered before.

Honestly, it is rather interesting to learn new theory about a field I have been working in for over ten years. Actually, it's not a new theory. It was discussed back in the 1970's. However, I had never been taught these theories on what testing is, what quality is, what the purpose of testing is and how to reach these goals. I think the most interesting quote about testing was, "Test is not about finding bugs. That is just a cool side effect."

This last week was a perfect example of why taking measurements is an excellent thing to do in any exercise and diet program. I just had my fifteen week stats done. In the last five weeks, I have only lost 6 pounds. However, I have gained 9 pounds of lean muscle mass, giving me a total fat loss of 15 pounds. Not bad at all. Even better and more expressive of the changes to my body, in the last five weeks, I've lost over 3 inches off my hips, 2 inches off my hips and an inch off my chest. In just five weeks. That is just absolutely amazing and gratifying to me. It also helped stave off the depression I was feeling.

My 15 week stats:
Weight: -28 lbs
Blood Pressure: Down to 116/78
Chest: -3.5 inches
Waist: -5.25 inches
Hips: -9.5 inches (woot!)
Bicep: -2.0 inch (x2)
Thigh: -2.5 inches (x2)
Total inches lost: -27.25 inches. I'm pretty happy with these numbers.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Seven of Wands

Escapism
It occurred to me recently, as I realized that I would much rather be home reading a book than at work or working out that I had hit a deep phase of escapism. I am guessing it started about two weeks ago because that is when the voracious reading started. I am in the middle of my sixth book in two weeks and I have six more sitting out in the queue in the open. For some, two to three books a week is not unusual. For me, lately, it is extremely unusual. I had dropped down to 1-2 books a month. Now, I can't get enough.

I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure if something broke or something got fixed or, maybe, a little of both. All I seem to think about these days is anything but reality. I want to read, to play video games, to write and to watch movies. I don't want to work nor do house work nor think about anything that doesn't seem fun. I know there are things to do: Contact Karen about my taxes; clean up the living room; pay bills; do laundry; deposit checks; go grocery shopping and various other mundane chores. I find myself resisting them all. I am forcing myself to do some of them so they get done and don't bite me in the ass later.

I'm also finding myself turning inward more. I'm not writing in Abstract Thoughts nor LiveJournal nearly as much as I used to do. I find myself internally debating going out with friends after I've already agreed to do so. I always have a good time but, this strange reluctance is bothering me. I think to myself that I should call Robert or Hans or Jeff and suggest dinner then, I discover that it is too late or too early or too something. So, I don't. Then, I feel guilty later, like I stood them up or something. Which, I didn't. I don't know. I guess I'm being just plain weird.

On the good side of things, this had made me pick up Regressor's Evolution again, to do my last major overhaul before it goes out to the final read group. My thoughts stray to past conversations about the novel and other's opinions on what needs to be fixed or added. They mingle with thoughts of the next parts of the story and how my plan for writing them will be different than how I wrote RE. I will admit, there is a big resistance to actually diving into the work because it is a lot of work. But, once I'm there, I'll be there for a while.

Oh! Thinking of writing, I did have a recent spurt of responses. Four rejections and one acceptance. My poem Dream Stalker is going to be published in Ambitions magazine. It's small press but well thought of. I'm glad for the poem. Dream Stalker is one of my favorites. On the non-fiction side of things, Games Unplugged has gone the way of the dodo bird but, like the phoenix, a new gaming magazine has risen in its place and my article about the emergence of the Alpha Gamer Girl will be going in its first magazine, to be published in August 2004 and given away at GenCon. Plus, I already have my assignment for the following issue.

Two amusing side notes:

1. My cat is righteously offended at fake meat. I gave her a piece of my Morningstar Farms "sausage" patty, which she ate but then started meowing loudly at me. So, I gave her another piece, which she sniffed then ignored. She scolded me for the next five minutes.

2. I have a science experiment going on in my kitchen right now. A month ago, Mom bought a loaf of lo-carb bread. She didn't really like the brand she got, so she didn't eat much of it. Two weeks ago, I remembered it was there and thought it would be moldy. Nope. So, I left it, more out of morbid curiosity that anything else. A month later, the bread still isn't moldy. Now, I don't think it is edible anymore but I'm wondering why it isn't moldy. I'm going to keep the loaf until it does become moldy, I think.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Wands, Inverted

LARPtastic!
Where does the time go? Some days, it seems like I'm so busy, I don't know which end is up. Let's see, there has been some major goodness in the geek side of life going on.

I have had my first session of, Shadows of a Crimson Dawn, the new steam punk Victorian vampire LARP I recently joined. Henceforth known as Shadows or Dawn or CD. Like it was when I first joined the Palo Alto group, I joined with a friend, Jim, because, I'm a coward when it comes to new social situations. I arrived on time (thus early for a gamer) and spent some time being quietly freaked out until everyone got into a huge discussion over the Laura K. Hamilton novels. After that, things went well and everyone was very friendly. So, I chilled and enjoyed.

The LARP itself was pretty darned good. I'm playing an English gentlewoman adventurer. The first characters I meet are a depraved Frenchman and his cousin/ghoul. That just set the tone for the evening. We had a whole lot of fun bouncing the conversation from topic to topic. I'm not sure if I was one of the centers of conversation because I was new or because I have a talent for making sure uncomfortable silences are filled - especially after something particularly depraved on the Frenchman's part or particular blunt on the part of a Toreador my character did not like very much.. In any case, it was extremely gratifying to hear the entire room respond with "Aww!" and "No!" when I said I had to leave early because I was not feeling well.

So, I'm feeling pretty positive about this new LARP troupe. Positive enough that, since I have been asked to NPC for other monthly vampire LARP, I'm going to do so and check it out. This other LARP, Heirs to the Fall (henceforth known as Heirs), is very different. It is a modern day Gehenna game where only hints of Gehenna are happening and Gehenna itself will never show up in game.

I would like to state for the record, I really hate being sick. Thank goodness for friends (especially Hans) who take pity on me when I make pathetic pleas for medicine and pampering. This is the second time I've been sick in four months. Both times, I have gotten sick from whatever happened to be running around the office at the time. Since I've been sick, I've kept up with my reading schedule when I haven't been sleeping.

I have to say that I haven't really been enjoying what I've been reading though. I just finished _Diamond Age_ by Neal Stephenson. You know what? It was dull to me. And long. Really long. I felt like I was slogging through mud to get to the end of it. Interesting premise for a story but I didn't like the execution much. There were too many cut scenes which made it really hard to be coherent.

Now, I'm reading _Lord Foul's Bane_ by Stephen Donaldson. I have run into a problem that I've never encountered before. This is a very well written book but I absolutely loath the main character, Thomas Covenant. The man has no redeeming qualities at all. He has an anger problem, a victim's complex and he spends a lot of time whining. He rapes the first female who was really nice to him. He refuses to acknowledge the fact that since he is in another world, maybe.... just maybe... his leprosy has been cured. The more I read, the less I like this novel. It surprises me because I loved _A Mirror of Her Dreams_ and _A Man Rides Through_. I never thought I would come to admire someone's writing skill while hating the story they have written.

Fun Dreamage... Slipstream - This is one of those really fun dreams. It involves time travel, chase sequences, a precious book and sex. Plus, there is this really cool mode of travel in time and space called slipstream that, apparently, was a Nazi secret.

I think I'm almost finally to the point of really calling this place "home" and meaning it. Today, I got to have one of those "it's your town" chance encounters with Hans and Jeff. I was coming out of Ooba's and heading towards me were the guys. If I hadn't been feeling so crappy and afraid of giving them back this cold, I would have been able to have one of those chance encounter dinners that I used to have on Castro street all the time. It is such a little thing, isn't it. Being able to run into friends while being out and about. But, it means a lot to me. I wish there was more of a "Castro street" around here.

Tarot Card for the Day: Eight of Wands

Procrastination Productivity
Why is it the moment I set my mind to working on something like the (hopefully) last major revision of Regresser's Evolution, my mind wants to do anything, I mean, ANYTHING, but that. Instead, I have submitted more stuff to Strange Horizons and Quantum Muse. I have written up my review for Darwin's World early and my current want is to write a new Hucked Tankard tale called "The Tankard that Saved a Life." Oh, I also wrote up a really cool dream, called El Diablo Comes, I had recently and edited my Virtua story.

I just don't get it. I know I need to finish off Regresser's Evolution. I know it but I don't seem to want to do it. Of course, the moment I decide I need to work on something else like Kendrick world or Breaking the Chains, Regresser's Evolution looks really attractive. Why is it that I don't seem to be able to work on the stories that I've decided to work on. Instead, in procrastinating on that project, I am really productive on other projects. Is this normal? Or am I, as usual, just weird?

I don't mind being productive on the various projects I have going. Sometimes, it is very helpful. But, it makes me wonder at my lack of disciplined writing. I suppose, if I have enough projects going on, my desire not to work on what is "scheduled" doesn't hurt anything. Unless it is contracted and that is a very different story. There is something about having an official deadline that makes me procrastinate, then do really good work at the end to get it done on time.

In any case, my reading frenzy is nearing its end. I am on my last book in my current "To Read" pile after having finished _Lost in a Good Book_ by Fforde and _Pendulum Project_ by Silverberg. I'm currently on _Pattern Recognition_ by Gibson which has started off better than the last book I read by him. I suppose this is a good thing and is indicating that I'm moving back into a writing phase again. I have so many languishing projects it isn't funny. Plus I want to get back into submitting my work around. This time, I am focusing more on my speculative fiction rather than my erotica. Plus, I have vague thoughts of doing NaNoWriMo for the second part of Regresser's Evolution. I did so well with it the first time I did it, it might do as well again.

Interesting recent dreamage: El Diablo Comes - This was one of those rare epic dreams that make me want to write a long story around it. I am part of a group of teens working for a man who looks like Anthony Hopkins. We are some sort of elite force that he has no more use for. I am the only one who escapes when he tries to kill us of after a particular hard job. The rest of the dream involves me fleeing from him over various settings but, some how, all of this leads into time travel (I think) loop where I must be saved or the world dies.

I'm doing well on the gaming side of things. It is nice to see that part of my life ramping up again. Yes, I know it is ubergeeky but that's me. My current list of alter egos includes:

Grants Pass
This post is semi-in-cheek and semi-not. Occasionally, it amuses me to think about these things. The short version of the my thought is: When the end of the world comes, meet me in Grants Pass, Oregon.

I'm not saying that end of the world is coming. I don't know if it will happen in my lifetime or if at all. But, as a writer, I often ask "What if..." What if something like Skippy the Super flu virus happens? What if something like "The Day After Tomorrow" happens? What if we are invaded or World War III happens? Better yet, what if, for some reason, the government and known society collapses due to a great loss of life and/or immense structural damage ... and I survive it? Then what?

Well, my plan, as of now, is to meet Monte in Grants Pass. Why Grants Pass? Because I have dreamt of this several times. In my dreams, I've always ended up in Grant's Pass and that's good enough for me. Why Monte? Because he is a good friend who indulges my whims when I present him with such mental exercises. Also, because he has become one of my dream symbols representing Survival. Just like the few times I have dreamt of Ice, he has represented Leadership and Yony has represented Desire.

Recently, I mentioned this to Ice and invited him to meet us. If anyone is going to survive the end of the world, it would be him. Then, James jumped in and said it sounded like a plan and he would meet us there, hauling fuel. Suddenly, it occurred to me that maybe I should just let others in on this plan. Obviously, not everyone who reads this would survive an apocalypse. Maybe I would not survive it. My want for immortality says I would but that's just me. In any case, if the apocalypse comes, meet us in Grants Pass. Think about what you would bring. Think about coming to be part of a surviving band of people from all walks of life.

Sure, this is a silly mental exercise but there is no harm in thinking about it. How would I get there? Would I go by car, more secure and sheltered but braving the ruined roads? Motorcycle for the maneuverability? Bicycle for the lack of dependence on fuel and ability to easily bypass obstacles but more exposure and slower travel time? What would I bring with me? Fuel? Food? Water? Weapons? Probably all of the above. I think REI would be the first place I would raid.

I think, I would try to get in contact with certain people by cell phone and by IM as long as electricity lasted. Mostly to see if they were still alive and coming. Of course, if the end of the world is like "The Stand" and Mother Abigail is saying we should come to Colorado, well, I guess Grant's Pass would be the meeting and staging point for it. It is better to travel in groups, I think. Especially if you have both human and animal predators out there.

You can't tell me that some survivor (probably male) wouldn't get it in their head to become some sort of warlord and try to take over their own little bit of land. You know it would happen. Personally, I'd rather band together with people I already know than some random tough guy who has figured out how to rule through strength and fear. Though, not that all warlords are bad. Generally, things go better when there is a clear leader in a group. Someone with the ability to make decisions in a minimum amount of time. But, it is how they come to these decisions and how they enforce them that makes a difference in the leadership of a group.

Still, coming up with a way to protect and feed a group of people during and after some sort of apocalypse brings to mind some interesting ideas. Some of it goes back to my parents' lessons on wants versus needs. Needs would be paramount - food, shelter, protection. Wants would have to be indulged when it was possible and safe to do so. But, one person's need could be another person's want. It can be very subjective. That's where we come back to the importance of leadership. Someone must be the parent and the bad guy for your own good.

Now, I'm randomly babbling. In a time of crisis, having a plan can make the difference between life and death. If an apocalypse comes and you survive, think of me then head to Grants Pass. Who knows who else might read and remember this. My whimsy could turn out to be very practical.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Wands