May 2003

A Writing Fool

(Written on May 6th.) The last week has been excellent for me as a writer. I've submitted two game review articles and two 'contracted' stories. All of them have been within inches of their deadline. Monte and I had a discussion about how writers often to much better work under pressure of a deadline. I'm not sure why this is but I know it is true for me. It may have something with the "Just Do It" factor. You don't have time to overanalyse it. You have just enough time to splat it to the page, trust your gut instincts and do a once over polish.

Invariably, a writer will do excellent work performing under these conditions. Case in point, I did my Engel review 11pm at night on the day before it was due. My editor has already gotten back to me on it. He told me it was one of the best reviews I had written for him, yet - pure, clean and concise. His edits were almost nonexistance. Me? I thought it was crap but it said everything I wanted it to say. Maybe this is why so many famous writers are known to have stress and addiction problems. They need that pressure to help them write.

The two stories were for Campaign magazine and my writing group, Shapers of the Unknown. The Hucked Tankard tale, Ale Kittens, was a fun, easy piece to write and polish. I can hardly call that work. But, it's really cool. I'm going to be paid $80 for it (or there abouts... $.05 cents a word). The Shaper's story was based on my own challenge to the group with the theme "Dead Man's Handshake." There are parts that are really broken to me but I'll need the critiques to help me fix it.

Tomorrow, we have our first ever Shapers gathering. I'm kind of excited. I have this idea for the latest challenge. I think, personally, everyone who completes the challenge, should fix their story using the critiques, then actually submit it somewhere for publication. Seriously. Just to start getting into the habit of submitting their work and to get used to the rejection slips that come. I'm going to submit mine to Strange Horizons. I haven't managed to get published there - yet. I will, someday. Oh, yes. I will.

Yes, I had a most excellent weekend in Monterey with my boyfriend. It was so worth it. Romantic, open, relaxing and fun. *happy sigh* It is rare that I talk with anyone like I talked with him this past weekend.

(Written on May 7th.) Kitty cat update: Sir Tomas Marmalade was adopted by an older lady who wanted a quiet friendly cat. I had him for two weeks. I still haven't managed to get momma cat and her babies due to some frustrating red tape and stupidity. I swear, getting this momma cat out of the shelter is harder than getting gold out of Fort Knox. It's almost ridiculous! I'm gonna end up naming these kittens after escaped convicts or known outlaws if this keeps up.

When things get tough, the tough go get a manicure. I had had it at work and dealing with PME and other annoying work things. It was 15 minutes before quitting time anyway. So, I ducked out early and found me a beauty salon and got me a manicure. Now, my hands are all pretty and my nails are painted a great wine red. It probably won't last long but I'm gonna enjoy it while it does.

Afterwards, I picked up Monte for the Shaper's first meeting. It went over really well. Mike was in leadership mode and the rest of us were content to let him guide the conversation. I think the dinner went really well over all. Everyone got to meet Monte and now has a face to the name. There was a lot of discussion on authors, writing, strengths, weaknesses and goals. Out of came the next Shaper's challenge: Write a dialogue with one of the following guidelines.

I have two main weaknesses: area description and distinct characterzation. On descriptions, either I write too much or too little. On characterization, while the characters are distinct to me, I seem to be unable to quickly and efficiently protray that on paper. So, I think I'm going to do the second idea - a nonverbal conversation between two people.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Cups

Desert Ego?

Saturday, I had the great pleasure of going to the Chabot Gun Club with Yony, Bill and Rich - three of my all time favorite guys. I'm not sure how Bill and Rich got on the topic of range shooting or how they came to the conclusion that they should get together for it, I'm just glad Yony and I got invited along.

We met up with everyone at the range. Bill said he had not done any range shooting in something like 12 years. Rich had not done any shooting in something like 20 years and Yony had never done any range shooting. Me, I think the last time I did range shooting was in 1997 with Blackwolf, using a 9mm Lady Smith and Wesson we rented at the range for me. [For the record, a Lady Smith and Wesson is not a pink colored gun. It is a weapon with a smaller hand grip to accommodate a female's smaller hand size. With guns, size does matter.]

Bill brought two pistols; an automatic and a revolver. Respectively: a Springfield model 1911 in .45 acp and a Smith & Wesson model 686 in .357 magnum caliber which also shoots .38 special rounds in addition to the magnum rounds.

Now, the last time I shot, I used a 9mm automatic. It took me until after we were done shooting for me to get it through my thick skull that the Colt 45 I had been firing was NOT a 9mm. (Don't ask me why, but every time I heard "45", my mind immediate went: 4+5=9=9mm.) So, it was no surprise to me later that I preferred the lighter weight revolver to the heavier automatic. During the shooting, it did surprise me because I remember never liking revolvers.

It took me a couple of rounds to get me over my rustiness and some tips from Bill on my stance to start shooting decently. But, all it took were that couple of rounds. I started hitting the target, then I started doing some nice groupings and finally started hitting the black zone. It really helped to have Bill standing behind me, saying things like, "Left high." "Right center." "Good! Right down the middle."

Rich and Yony both took to shooting pretty quickly. Their nervousness melted away and they started really doing well. It was a new experience for both of them. It was interesting to watch how both of them seemed to approach it. Neither was afraid of the guns, just of doing things incorrectly. As they got over that, becoming more comfy with the idea of firing a pistol, their aim and their stance got visibly better and the smiles got wider.

One really cool thing that happened was that a guy brought in a 44 magnum Desert Eagle. When that sucker went off, EVERYONE felt it. There was a sonic wave through the chest. Wow, what a weapon! The field master saw our curiosity and came over to tell us what it was. In the conversation, I blurted out, "I want to fire it!" So, he took it upon himself to go talk to the guy and ask him if I (the only female on the range) could fire the Desert Eagle.

The guy was amenable. He emptied a clip until it had one bullet in it, loaded it and put the weapon down. I picked it up and listened to the instructions that I could only half hear through the earplugs. I thought he was telling me to chamber the round - which confused me since I watched him do it already. It turns out he was telling me to cock the gun. Also, the two squeeze trigger was explained to me. So, all ready, I took my stance, concentrated, let out my breath, slow squeeze for the first one... then, slow second squeeze. KA-BOOM! The shockwave went right through me like an adrenalin rush. Thinking about it now, I'm really surprised at the comparative lack of recoil on such a large hand weapon. I took a breath and carefully put the Desert Eagle down and thanked the guy...

OH MY GOSH, what a high! Whoosh! I turned and saw Bill, Yony and Rich grinning at me and my reaction. For some reason, it never occurred to me that they would want to see me shoot that monster of a gun. According to Bill, I had quite the grin on my face. Also, I couldn't talk right. My brain shut off for a bit, I think. I kept trying to say "desert eagle" and everyone else kept hearing me say "desert ego" and laughing at me. It really did give me a bit of a buzz.

In the car ride to lunch, Yony and I discussed our different approaches to the range shooting. While he enjoyed it, he didn't get the same obvious pleasure I did. Personally, I think that is because he is still getting comfortable with shooting a pistol. Plus, he is approaching it from a practical standpoint: "I need to know how to use these weapons. One day, I may be called upon to use them in defense of my home and family." Where I look at range shooting as nothing more than an expensive, but really interesting, hobby. Honestly, I don't look at the ability to fire a gun as an ability to be able to shoot someone else in me or my family's defense. If pressed, I'm sure I could but I certainly don't want to.

For me, the act of firing a weapon really is a visceral thrill. There is something about handing a dangerous weapon, controlling it and excelling at the skill that gives me great joy. It isn't a sexual thing for me. But, it is a power thing. I do get adrenaline and endorphin rushes from it. There is no denying that. And, of course, those do lead to other urges, but there is no need to discuss that here and now.

However, this experience has affirmed my desire to not only buy myself my own set of pistols but to find a decent indoor/outdoor range where I can practice my firearms skill much more regularly once I get to Seattle. There are a couple of reasons for this. Firearms really is one of those skills that you get better at as you practice it. You must practice though. Also, when you are on the range, nothing else matters. You are completely focused on this one subject and all tasks involved in it. All other problems MUST go away. There is no room for them while you are at the range.

You know, in a strange way, Saturday was really affirming for me. I was able to pick up my skill with the pistol. I was able to handle myself. I didn't make a mistake or a fool of myself. (Actually, no one did. I'm really proud of both Yony and Rich and how well they handled themselves. I really am.) In a way, I felt like I was able to validate myself and my experience with firearms. Sure, I need a lot more practice but I did well. I've seen some of the looks my friends give me when I talk about my firearms experience. That "What? You? A weapon? Yeah, right." look. Well, you know what? I'm not talking out of my ass and I'd love for them to step up to the plate and prove they could do just as well as I can and did.

I chatted with my mom for Mother's Day. All is well with my family. Scott has a new job. Mom is having fun learning to work a riding lawnmower. Dad is all excited for me moving to Seattle. Generally, all seems to be pretty good with everyone. I'm happy to hear that. Also, it looks like my Mom is gonna come visit me once I'm all settled in Seattle. Skookums! It's a good thing Mom and I get along.

Oh, yes! I finally did get Momma cat and her four babies - now named, respectively, Sue, Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde. [Yes, they are all named after the ghosts in the Pac-Man game. I'm a geek. You knew that.] They are all black and white jellical kittens and Momma is super young, long haired black and white cat. She's just beautiful and very affectionate. I'm hoping to find her a good home, too.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Tower, Inverted

Why Are You Here?

I've been doing a lot of my "wise woman on the mountain" routine lately. I'm not sure why, but I seem to be giving out more "slice of life" type advice to my friends. Some of them come looking for the advice. Some of them, the conversation just stumbles on it. Rarely do I simply start spouting off on someone. Still, some of the little gems of wisdom seem to be worth saving.

On dating:

On writing:

Work has been really rough lately. We've been pushing on getting the Beta2 out the door while slowly integrating ourselves in with Microsoft. There have been a lot of political issues running around work from the management. Lame duck managers stop caring. Other managers overwhelmed. Engineering is getting squished hard. QA in particular.

I had a good long talk with MSM, my new QA manager about it all. I have to say, I'm liking him a lot. He's been watching the squishing QA has been getting and is not happy. But, he's not really in a position to fix what he sees is wrong. He and the other MS managers are not supposed to interfere. They are supposed to watch and learn while we get to Beta2 and FCS and not upset the schedule. However, things will be different, he promises, in the future. I believe him.

Granted, I never want to be on the wrong end of any of his interrogations. He's former Army. He was a warrant officer, I believe, in Intelligence. Smart guy. Military bearing. Very firm in his opinions and stances. I suspect I'm going to have be really conscientious about keeping my ducks in a row around him. Not a bad thing, all in all.

Oh! Apparently, we are in building 30 now. They are firm on that. Spent $1M on the new QA computer lab. Whoosh! I hear we are right next to the cafeteria building close to the most wooded part of the campus. I'm really looking forward to having the transition over. I really am.

Thinking of transitions, all of my moving stuff in right on track. I've even been pre-approved for a mortgage. Though, the thought of that monthly house payment is giving me hives. I'm really attracted to Bellevue right now. I've been looking for condos there. I've finding some good looking ones, 2 bedroom, 1000+ sq feet for under $200K. That's well within my budget.

Pretty Sue and her kittens, Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde are doing well. Momma is getting good at leaping over that four foot barrier. She's starting to spend part of the night with me and, I suspect, part of the day lounging on my bed. Not too bad a thing except for her habit of sitting next to my face, watching me. Waking up to big golden eyes isn't too bad but the nose full of fur is annoying.

The kittens are starting to get all excited and are looking to get out of the box. I suspect, they'll be able to get out of the box in a week or less. I'm not sure when Momma is gonna start teaching them to use the litter box, but I'm thinking the stink factor in the back area is about to sky rocket. Still, it will be a lot of fun having four random furry balls of destruction roaming around. I'll have to start having visiting hours soon.

Last night was a full lunar eclipse. Yony and I found a hill near the Shoreline Amphitheater to watch it. At first, it was really unimpressive and hard to see because the haze. So, we spent time watching a short ear owl hunt and chatting with the other people there. It was a good time. When we could finally see the moon, it was really pretty.

Then, it was off to see Matrix Reloaded. We really enjoyed it. There were some twists and turns I didn't expect and that was nice to see. The fight scenes, while a bit over long, were just plain pretty. They were more like choreographed dance numbers than fights. I especially liked the fact that they tossed in a much more human element into Zion this time around. This movie is definitely a middle movie but good nonetheless. It brings up all sorts of philosophical questions based on what reality is and why people are here. What are they supposed to be doing. 90% of the questions have several possible fuzzy answers.

I think my favorite secondary character is the Merovingian. He is crass and arrogant. Yet, his wife was able to easily screw with him. I wonder what is going to happen based on that little interaction. I'm really hoping we are going to get to see him in the final movie. However, through it all, Trinity, a 'normal' human continues to kick ass and take names. She is hard and soft. She doesn't take no for an answer and she still manages to pull off some of the most amazing stunts.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords

Borging

Last night was the finale of the Buffy series. I'll admit, it wasn't thebest episode, but all in all, I really liked it. It wrapped up a bunch ofthe plots and changed the Buffyverse for good or evil. I'm sad Spike died. Though, it certainly makes me wonder how James Marsters is going to be on Angel next season.

Over all, I've been pondering the social ramifications of a show like Buffy on the idea of community as a whole. Mostly, I'm thinking of Babylon 5 and Buffy. Buffy is far more mainstream and far reaching that B5 was but both have the impact that I'm thinking of. (Forgive me, I'm trying to verbalize the swirling mess in my head. It might come out a bit awkwardly.)

One has to admit that 95% of stuff on TV is crap. Some of it is entertaining crap but it has pretty much no redeeming qualities. In thinking of a show like Buffy that has been running for years, that touches on a number of hard topics (suicide, depression, acceptance, duty, destiny, etc...) and a number of other than normal concepts (slayers, vampires, magic, etc..), it seems to stretch people's horizons a bit. Mentally and emotionally.

Also, there is the idea that a show like Buffy can bring a community closer together, socially. It can be a bonding point. There are few shows where a group of friends will get together week after week to watch it. Buffy nights really brought me into the Palo Alto group. It helped me become much better friends with people I wouldn't normally hang out with. In a strange way, it reminds me of community storytelling.

I think this is the bulk of what I'm going of here. Buffy has been a valuable tool in bringing groups together. It is a common topic for people to bond over. It's a good glue. I'm wondering what will be the next story that my friends and I will bond over. I'm wondering if it is possible to get back the idea of community storytelling as a way to bring people together.

It's an odd dicotomy - the TV being both a tool to bring people together or to push them apart which each of us at home, watching our favorite shows in solitude. I'm sure people have written papers on this sort of thing.

We have been Borgisized at work. I now have my MS ID/smart card with smart chip in it. Actually, it's pretty neat. On the good side of things, it's not that hard to use. I can access my MS email (already!) from their web interface, no matter where I am. However, to use the Smart card to really get into the MS domain, I have to have card reader and such. On the good side of things, the MS IT guys will give me everything I need. On the bad side of things, it requires WinXP, a special virus checker software and me to upgrade Albrecht, my poor 4 year old, 550 mhz, Win98 machine.

Now, I have three choices here:

1. Bite the bullet, back up my important documents and upgrade Albrecht, knowing that WinXP is going to run like a hog on it - but I'll have everything set up. Eventually, someday, buy something new.

2. Bite the bullet, back up my important documents and re-install Win98 on Albrecht to get rid of the registery error to make Albrecht a good back up machine ... and go by a 'new hotness' Windows box - which will come with XP and make things much simpler.

3. Don't do anything yet. Just wait until I'm all settled in at MS and Seattle. Figure it out then.

Thoughts about this. I break machines. I'm really good at it. I don't fix them. Both ideas of upgrading or installing the OS give me hives. I do want a new machine. I would love to have Albrecht as a nice little back up machine. However, the MS store does not include hardware. So, for me to get something new... including a flat screen monitor that I've been craving... probably should wait until I'm in Seattle.

I really don't know what to do. Any opinions?

Interesting Dreamage...

The Gangster's Face - Yony and I end up in a fire fight that results in me seeing the lead gangster's face. This marks me for death but Yony has an idea.

Virtual Brutality - This is what I get from watching both Matrix Reloaded and Red Dragon within the same week. I and a group of people are forced into a virtual game where there can be only one survivor. Three of us set out on our own to find the way out and end up completing the first level of the game in a most brutal and bloody fashion. I can't remember the last time I had a dream that was this gorey and visceral.

Tarot Card for the Day: Knight of Cups

Where are the babies?

The kittens are now four weeks old and are cutely waddling around. That is, when Pretty Sue isn't changing where she's hiding them. She seems to want to be near me and have her babies with her. I'm not sure if that's because I'm the food giver and she equates that to protector or what. In any case, I can't convince her to keep them in the back vanity area no matter what I do. This is resulting in me locking them all in the back bedroom/vanity area 90% of the time. Plays merry hell on my allergies.

I really need to call Jean and find out some stuff about kittens. Is it ok to let them wander the apartment when I'm gone? When do they start eating solid food? (Clyde is already giving it a go.) What about drinking water? (Pinky has been trying that out.) What about actually using the litter box? (Because I'm going to need to get them a step to be able to get into it.

However, these kittens are uber-cute and it is really neat to watch them learn. I think they are so noisy half the time because they are simply mimicking each other. When one meows, the rest start meowing, too. It's like a choir. Once they relax in an area, they get adventuresome and start exploring. That is so fun to watch. The only problem is keeping an eye on them so they don't end up some place they could get hurt. They are at the age with the highest mortality rate.

This weekend was a lot of fun. It was pretty relaxing. Friday night and Saturday were dedicated to gaming. I really like the Buffy RPG. I think the system is really easy to use and lends itself well to the actions and drama of the show. Rich was a real sweetie and shoe-horned me into his con game with a very fun character - Peggy Downs, a 14 year old budding witch - with the immortal line to her powerful older witch sister, "You summoned Hell?! I'm telling!" I was the Slayer in the second Buffy game and that was really neat.

Thinking of Buffy, I borrowed the novel Slayers, Volume 1 from Will on Sunday. The first couple of stories were phenomenally good and sad. Same with the last couple of stories. The middle ones generally pissed me off. I was angry at the portrayal of the Watchers, mostly. While it is true that the Watchers are only human, I didn't like the way they were portrayed as puppets of the crown or as a coward to abandoned his slayer after making a promise not to. My thought as I finished the story with the coward Watcher was, "Another example of where the Will of Man fails yet again..." I was surprised at the venom of my thought. I guess I'm just bothered by the vilifying of the Watchers so much. I would think that, most of the time, the members of the Watchers really thought they were doing good for the world.

Sunday, we rectified a grievous wrong. Will had never seen "Big Trouble in Little China." So, after some kitten visitation for Cynthia, Will and Yony, we had dinner, watched some various bits and pieces of things from Buffy and Matrix Reloaded. Then, winded up the evening with the great cult classic. It felt good to relax like that, chit-chatting about various things.

Work is promising to be tough this week. There is still a lot of thrashing between the old management and new management as well as between the old processes and the new ones. We are stuck in the middle doing a bit of duck and cover with occasional scouting to see how volitile the territories still are. So far, still unstable but QA in working on making sure their stuff is done as much as possible. We have an FCS release coming up in the next month or so and we need to have a stable release for at least two weeks of solid testing.

I have to say, I'm really liking MSM. He's really sharp and he's not going to let me get away with anything. I'm definitely going to have to have my ducks in a row around him. Not a bad thing, really. If I had a push over for a QA Manager, I would, most likely, do exactly that.

On the writing front, I got the latest challenge for the Shapers of the Unknown done. No, it wasn't on time but I was the only one who did it - at least for the moment. Then again, maybe I'm misremembering the due date of the challenge and it wasn't last Friday. Hmmm. Me and my memory have been really wonky lately. Too many things going on at once.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Tower

Spectacular Gracelessness

I once joked that if I ever had a significant other, I would have to protect him from my honest lack of grace. It's not that I would ever hurt him. No, I'm just constantly hurting myself and the bruises are quite visible. Well, I need to start protecting him from the results of yesterday. I really outdid myself in a spectacular fashion.

First, while I was walking away from a meeting with MM and a new MS co-worker, I walked my right arm into a door handle so hard the door vibrated. Normally, this would be no big deal... except for the fact that this was one of those heavy security doors that is firmly locked in the open position for daytime movement. The people walking with me winced sympathically and asked if I was OK. "Yeah, I am. It's a good thing Microsoft is not hiring me for my grace and agility. I have none." Everyone laughed but kept looking at my arm.

Then, last night at Revelations, I definitely showed my spectacular lack of grace and agility. We were walking across Castro street when I missed my [geek alert!] dex check [/geek alert!] stepping onto a curb. My left foot slid off and twisted hard - yep, the same foot I hurt a few weeks back - stumbled forward, (deliberately) dropping my purse and threw my hands up to catch myself on the metal guard fence around a tree. My right hand and my right shoulder (instead of my head, thank goodness) were -slammed- hard into the metal with my full weight of stumbling/falling momentum behind them.

When I hit, I was stunned. Poor Jeanne and David didn't know what to do with me. It hurt so bad I started laughing. I think that was the endorphins in my body going, "HOLY SHIT, WOMAN!!" My hand is ok. My shoulder... well... it's still working. However, I now have a bruised strip about 5 inches long and 1.5 inches wide on the top of my shoulder next to the bone. It is really pretty colors - bright reds and purples. I'm hoping the bone isn't bruised, too. If it is, that's going to add another week onto the healing time. So, yeah, my right arm is kind of a mess and I did it to myself with no help from anyone.

There is a God and miracles do occur. They have decided to actually listen to QA and not release a certain product because we have NO confidence in its reliability. Yay! We get to do our job! Not only that, they pushed out the release date enough to deal with my company's move up to Seattle. Even better! I'm surprised and pleased. We did make our Beta2 date but barely and management looked at all the facts that every QA group gave them and made a sound decision. This, I believe, is a very auspicious beginning to the working relationship between QA, Dev and Product management in the new business unit.

Time is moving both too fast and too slow right now. I hate this limbo period between being bought and knowing we need to move and staying here to work on the product. I'm a doer. As soon as I know the new path, I want to start on it. At the same time, my heart doesn't want to leave. I have friends here who mean so much to me. I have a love here, whom I'm extremely proud of, and don't want to leave. I have a home I like.

If you couldn't tell, I'm still struggling with the idea of moving forward while feeling like I'm not abandoning my loved ones who will be left behind. I know I have IM and email and LJ. But, those are no substitutes for the hugs, kisses and smiles I adore.

Six weeks until I move out of my apartment. Seven weeks until I'm on the road, with Hans, traveling to my new home, my new job and my new life. Please forgive me if I seem a bit obsessive over all this in the coming weeks. I am very conflicted in my thoughts and wants right now. This move is so damn good for me in many ways. At the same time, I feel like I'm cutting out a part of me. Tears and smiles will the norm for a while. I'll try not to splat my friends too badly with my conflicting emotions.

On the writing side of things, I am slowly putting out some feelers for future (non-erotica) fiction writing gigs. I've got some good contacts in WotC now, as well as Chaosium and, of course, Other World Creations. I figure, once I'm settled... or, even before I'm settled... I'm going to want and need the distraction of throwing myself into my writing again. The erotica is easy for me. So, that's gravy. I've got 30+ calls for submission I need to look into in that arena. But, I really want to start knocking on more fiction doors. More than just Campaign magazine.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Wands, Inverted