May 2001

Quiet on the Western Front

Well, it seems that all is quiet on the Western Front for the moment. I'm not sure if this is just a lull or if the dust is really settling. There seems to be an unhappy, but tolerable politeness, between The Husband and The Wife. It seems to be better between The Other Man and The Husband. It doesn't hurt that The Other Man dropped The Wife like the hot potato that she is. Which, as I told him, I thought was one of the smartest and best things he could have done in that situation. From my (admittedly, less than fully informed) position, she is just a whole lot of bad news.

Alex and The Other Man seem to be on their ways to mending their relationship. Hell, even Alex and James are getting along well now. I guess there's nothing like a -serious- problem/rift to put things into perspective and let some of the petty crap go to allow a real listening/mending/effort in a relationship.

Me? I'm just sort of sitting back, watching, listening, and being there as much as possible for those who want it. Fortunately, I'm not in a fight with anyone and that's the way I like it.

Beltaine Blessings! Happy May day! Hope you all had a good one.

For those of you who don't know, Beltaine is definited as: "Beltaine, also known as May Day, is celebrated on or around May 1. Beltaine is a festival of Rebirth, a celebration of the re-awakening of the earth, the opening of the flowers, the rebirth of all that had 'died' throughout the Winter's cold rule. It is traditionally a fertility festival, an encouragement for the crops to begin growing and the cattle to give birth to the next generation. Beltaine is a time of community and opening ourselves to those around us, for the good of the Craft and the community in general."

It is also the changing of the Fae court from Unseelie to Seelie. The other date being October 31st, of course.

In other good news, James, Laurel and Dave found their house to rent! It's in El Cerrito, is three blocks from the BART station and is almost exactly (down to the tenth of a mile) the same distance their house is from me now. Unfortunately, though, it means I'm going to have to start traveling the McArthur Maze if I can't figure out another way to go. They will be taking this month to clean up, pack, move, unpack and clean up.

Of course, this has me pondering my situation - again. I want my own house. Just a little 2 or 3 bedroom thing that is -mine-. Some place I can decorate to my specifications. Some place I don't have to worry about the room mate's girlfriend being over. Some place where I don't have to fight for my parking spot. Some place that I can walk around naked in if I want. A place of my own.

You know, it's silly. But when I think of a home like this, I think of Brian's apartment. I had never seen such a well coordinated, tidy apartment in all my life. His plates, napkins and silverware all matched... and matched his kitchen table. His towels matched his bathroom set. His living room was all in browns and beiges. Heck, even his office was spotless. Somehow, Brian was/is living in one version of my idealized home.

With the bust going on in the Bay Area, I have the urge to look and see if the housing prices are going down. I could afford something in the 200K-250K range. However, as soon as I start thinking about going that far into debt, I start feeling ill to my tummy. Do I really want to buy a house in the Bay Area? I mean, I do have a really cheap rent and a nice place to live. What little sacrifices I do make really aren't that bad at all.

*sigh* It's a vicious cycle of want versus need; of dreams versus reality.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Swords

5200 Words Later...

Dreamlines...
After almost five years of having an online dream journal, I finally set up a Dreamlines... Notification List and did a little bit of a revamp on the Dreamlines... page. I added a section called "Dream Themes" were I pulled out a series of dreams based on a recurring them in my dreams.

I added:

• Aliens & Rebellions; A series of dreams I have had about aliens invading and me being part of the rebellion.
• The Kiss; A series of dreams I have had where a kiss is one of the focal points of the dream.
• In Character; A series of dreams that are about gaming, star my RPG characters or are dreamt by them.
• Epic Stories; A series of dreams that have an 'epic' feel to them. As if they could easily be turned into movies.

All just in time for two new, interesting dreams.

• Iron Man Mom - Between being in the jungle with Indiana Jones and sitting in the studio watching the Mother's Day Iron Man competition, I sure am glad those pantry shelves where in the cliff side.

• The Kiss - It was the kind of kiss where you start out offering just your lips but end up giving your soul.

In the Muse...
I guess it's true. If you are writing creatively, you won't find time to write in your journal. Since Friday, I have written over 5200 words. I wrote up a couple of short snippets for the Johanna for the Code Black game. Then, I wrote up some stuff for Aragon. Of course, there were the two dreams. Finally, I have been writing like mad for Edanya.

Every couple of weeks, I host a 'storytelling' hour in Castle Marrach. During that hour, I tell two stories. The first is a "Hucked Tankard" tale which I make up out of my head. This one, "The Shadow Thief" was about 1500 words long and tells the tale of Edanya saving some treasure from a thief in the shadows by knocking him out with a tankard.

The second story is told from the "Tales of Castle Marrach" book my character won. Only, there isn't much to the story. I get a summary. For example, this newest one that I've written called "Sir Maugis & the Black Knight" started out as:

A mysterious knight in black armor takes up a position in the bridge between the Inner and Outer Baileys, challenging all who try to pass. None of Vivienne's best knights can defeat him, until the wizard Maugis confronts him with a magically enchanted sword and defeats him.

That's all I got. I turned it into a 1700 word story to tell the guests of Castle Marrach. Oh, I had lots of fun using some of the characters from the game - what little I know of them - but also making up other stuff as I go along.

Of course, all of this has me thinking about my novel "Through Raphael's Ring" that has sat mostly dormant since mid-February. That kind of annoys me. It really is a story that should be told. I just wish I had more time, energy and motivation to put into it. Maybe I'll work on it some when I'm on vacation. Maybe. My vacation (which is in 17 days for 17 days!!) is for me to rest, relax and chill out. I don't plan to do much. So, if I get the urge to write on "Through Raphael's Ring," I will. If not, I won't and I won't feel guilty.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Swords, Inverted

'Just In Case' List

My Storytelling hour as Edanya on Tuesday night went over very, very well with the other guests of Castle Marrach. I'm quite happy about it. I've already posted each story:

I'm really liking the way the "Hucked Tankard" Series is coming along. I've always had a hard time doing -short- stories. Stories 1500 words or less. These have been very good exercises in concise storytelling. Eventually, I'll move them from Log format into an actual story format. Someday.

The closer I get to my vacation, the more things that I think of that I can do with my free time pop into my head. I figured I'd better start writing them down or I'll forget. However, even if I don't do -any- of these, I won't feel guilty. These are for just in case I get a wild hair.

One of the things I've been doing off and on is watching a series of Fan created short films of the STAR WARS genre on TheForce.Net. I have to say that, while there is a lot of crap out there, I am amazed at all the work and effort that is put into these short films. There are some really good shorts out there. Really good. I'm skipping the animation for now. It's just not my thing. However, here are some of the titles I think you really should have a look at. Though, be warned, some of these films take a long time to download.

Though, it does make me think that if I ever played a Sith or Dark Jedi, I would be sure to wear ANYTHING but black. Black is a sure-fire cue that you are the BAD GUY™. So, I would wear light pastel colors and white. Then again, I do realize that a lot of STAR WARS stuff is all about archetypes. So, I suppose it makes sense that the bad guys wear black all the time, while the good guys are in light tans and browns.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Swords

No Life Altering Decisions Allowed

You know, there is a reason I have given myself that order/command/demand/agreement that I never make a life altering decision while I'm PMSing. I just have no control over any of my emotions. I swing on a pendulum from happy to sad to angry to helpless to... whatever... at a moment's notice. I over-react and occasionally, when I realize I'm over-reacting, I still can't seem to stop myself.

Case in point. Aragon was this weekend. It was a fairly interesting game. Much better than the last game but, as always, my complaint is that NPCs are over-whelmingly powerful and we spend a lot of time just watching scenes being played out by the GM/NPCs. Ok. Not so big of a deal, I suppose. Dave wanted feedback, so I gave it to him. However, as Johanna so bluntly pointed out to me, I'm the only one with the problem. Apparently, that makes my feedback invalid.

Also, unfortunately, my feedback was given right on the heels of a -really- bad role-play scene with James where, once again, the NPC (since James' character has become an NPC character) was incredibly over powering and put me and my character into a hopeless, helpless situation. Something that should not happen, considering my character is higher generation and decades older than him. Yet, I was still put in a situation where, pretty much, one of us is going to have to retire our character. So, my feedback was less than tactful. I was very blunt.

I also wrote to Dave explaining that based on how the Tremere have been set up, I wasn't having fun. I hadn't been in a while. You see, the whole reason I wanted to play a Tremere was the whole 'clan unity' thing and having the power of the clan backing you up. Currently, we are completely dangling in the wind with no support, no answers to queries, nothing.

I spent the whole afternoon crying about this and the fight I had with James. Later, James and I spoke and he insisted on coming over to see me so we could talk about it. This was a good thing I guess. He admitted some mistakes on his part (that whole memory problem), agreed that the way the clan structure was set up was not good and then, after some talking, asked me to pretend that rather damning scene was never played out because he would have remembered to get back to me. I agreed.

So, some reassurances were made and I agreed to try again to see what happens. However, after James left, I checked my email and Dave's responding email to me was so disheartening that I deleted it and forced myself to go to bed before I did something even more stupid.

Unfortunately, my mind spun into overdrive and I started getting really upset about a couple of things that happened at game. First of which, I'm -really- getting tired of people coming up to me out of character to congratulate me on my good role-playing but to tell me how much they "hate" my character. Hey! Ow! Dammit. Don't do that me! If you aren't going to come talk to me in character about why you don't like my character, don't come tell me this out of character! I don't need to know.

It's even more frustrating when I ask why, get an answer, say "Oh, I did that because..." and they all say something like "Oh, ok. That makes sense. Only, I don't know that in character. So, I still hate you." Not one of them will make an effort to "confront" my character about any issues they have. No, they are just content to 'hate' her.

The other thing that -seriously- flamed me was after I had Kayley turn down the princedom due to who she is and allowing (I do mean -allowing-. I could have taken the princedom with or without his permission.) Hilario to become prince, Johanna told me, and loudly proclaimed to others, that it was better this way because Kayley would never have been able to keep the Princedom. Oh, bullshit! I'm one of the few characters who has been carrying this court! Don't tell me that I wouldn't have been able to keep the position of Prince! I'm the one making most of the decisions and giving people plans of attack. I'm the one who has supported the new princes and had people follow my lead. Most of the people in the court wouldn't know a decision if it bit them on the ass.

I was, and still am, really very personally insulted by Johanna's declaration of my apparent inability. It was like she was telling me that everything I had done up until that point was utterly invalid. Despite the fact that I have been steadily climbing the ranks through the court, producing what was needed and holding my own.

All of this emotion over a stupid monthly game. I guess it's been building up for a while but with my tact filter off and my emotions all over the place, it was bound to happen. Unfortunately, it's probably going to color my writing for the game that I have to do over the next couple of days. So, I'm going to try to spend as little time on it as possible and still get what I need to get done. In the meantime, I'm going to work on other things and read some more Harry Potter, then maybe some Heinlein.

I did call Mom and Dad on Sunday. Mom's pretty good but she got into another car accident two weeks ago. A little fender-bender at the grocery store. She's ok but the other guy apparently is a real idiot. She's also having some problems with her hip. Enough to consider going to the doctors and she doesn't like doctors anymore than I do.

Dad's doing good. It's his birthday today. He's officially a senior citizen and not too happy about it. I keep telling him to look at it this way - he's just reached the "discount" years. Now he can enjoy all the senior citizen discounts. It's a good thing I was out here. I might have been cuffed for that remark.

My nieces are growing like weeds. Mandy is walking now. Emmy has her sand box to play in. Mom is enjoying the two little girls but she'll be glad when my sister retires from the Air Force and takes some time off to just be with her family. Mom says she's thinking about getting back into her crafts or doing some volunteer work.

It sounds like my parents are pretty much, finally, enjoying the life they had always wanted. It makes me really happy to hear that. Part of me wishes I lived closer to them. Part of me is glad that the distance is allowing our hearts to grow fonder.

I've reread this entry that I wrote earlier this morning. At first, I was going to rewrite it as too hard and angry. Then, I decided to leave it as is. It is a snap shot of my day. I should haven't censor myself. Johanna knows I'm not happy with her and why but I'm not ready to talk to her, yet. Not right now. Not because I don't think we can work it out, more because I know I am in the mood to lash out and hurt. I know it. So, I am saying away from her because I really don't want to do that to her.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Swords, Inverted

What a Geek Moment

I think I have to say... for an annual spat between me and Johanna, this one has been pretty subdued. She made a comment that I misunderstood. I walked off being really hurt and bitched about it to James and my journal cause I didn't feel up to bitching about it to Johanna. Though, I told Johanna I was upset at her. So, she wheedled it out of James why. She emailed me to explain. Then, I sat on it for 2-3 days and got over it. Then, emailed Johanna and discussed it.

All is well in Mudville once more. So, I suppose those of our friends who are hiding in foxholes due to some of our previous (often lengendary) fights: It's safe to come out now. Really.

I wonder if this is a reluctant sign of maturity... this realizing that you cannot discuss an issue with someone because you just are not in the right place to listen. Maybe so. I remember some of the other fights that Johanna and I have had. *oy* Some really vicious paint peelers. I think I'd rather have things this way (a couple of days of silence) than a bunch of angry, hasty words shouted at one another that made things even worse for a while.

I've been reading again. Yes, again. I've finished off "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." Oh, wow. Rich wasn't kidding when he said that they stopped being 'fluffy' in this book. Man. They killed off one of the secondary characters. It wasn't even a meaningful death. It was a "he's in the wrong place at the wrong time" kind of death.

I debated over reading "Merrick" by Anne Rice next or going to an old favorite stand by "Time Enough for Love" by Heinlein. Heinlein won. I think it's cause I'm in the mood for something more sci-fi than fantasy. I'm being over run by fantasy with Marrach, my Thursday game, the AD&D game and Harry Potter. I'll probably stick with Heinlein for this book, "To Sail Beyond the Sunset" and "Revolution 2001" before I head over to "Merrick." After that, who knows. Casey and Andy keep trying to get me into the Disk World series by Terry Prachett. I'm debating about going back to the Bujold books.

... hmmm.... then again, there is that one Babylon 5 Technomage book out. I should borrow that from Greg.

What a geek moment. I am inordinately proud of myself. In Marrach, I have a high ranking PC who is allowed to go places that many others cannot. I had quite the IC and OOC shock as one of the lowest ranking characters in the game (Kyle) came sauntering out of the Inner Bailey (restricted place) and logged off. So, I asked CE (the guys in charge) how a non-courtier, non-honored guest could get into the IB. I totally expected the brush off as it was probably a plot point. To my surprise, they had no clue what I was talking about. So, I resolved to track this down. CE told me to have fun.

A few frustrated hours later, I snagged the guy that was in the IB even though he shouldn't be. In Character, he would not budge. He would not tell me anything because I would 'get mad.' I considered threatening him ICly, of course... then decided to drop out of character and patiently explain to him that I figured there was a bug and that I was supposed to track it down.

Finally, he started talking. He named one name (Avaria), begged me not to talk to her because she would get mad, then told me that maybe I should because he didn't know what was going on. So, tracking this down, I snagged Avaria's friend Gareth, patiently explained what was going on and asked him if he knew about it. Sheepishly, he admitted that he did. I wheedled the rouge command out of him, was rather alarmed at how common it was and set off to exploit... I mean, test... it before I told CE.

Ok. So... maybe I over did it a little by having my rather out-of-favor roguish character, Edanya, page CE to alert them to the problem while I was the throne room, draped over the Throne of Ice. But, you know, when am I going to get a chance like that again? Oh... and I snagged a few goodies from the feast table along the way.

CE came in, I demonstrated the bug to them. Gratifyingly enough, they were shocked and appalled... but pleased that someone had alerted them. Ed, one of the CE guys, told me to keep this bug 100% to myself and then told me to "Get out of here, little trouble maker" with a grin. So, with an impish bow, I was gone. Unfortunately, it was like hitting DEFCON 1. They locked down the IB... and are leaving it locked down until they can sort out this little bug of theirs.

Still, it took me less than 4 hours from first noticing the problem to tracking down. It's a weird sort of QA Engineer pride going on here.

Ah, pooh. I just remembered that I need to have two stories scripted for Edanya for her Storytelling hour on the 21st. That's in 4 days. *mutter* Time to put the books away. There's writing to be done.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Swords

Ambitious Thoughts

This last Storytelling session was so -awesome-! I told the story of "The Last Battle of Dame Isabeau" - the first female knight betrayed by her own squire who was seduced by jealous gallants eager to prove themselves and be rid of the Dame.

It is a sad tale to be sure. However, the reactions of my audience were incredibly gratifying. At least three people mentioned that they were in honest-to-goodness tears because of my story. Now, I was choked up as I wrote the end of the tale, but that's because I have the scenes of my story playing in my head. To hear that I was able to bring across that emotion in my writing made me very happy. It made all of the muttering and bitching I did as I wrote it worth while.

Now, this is the third such Tale of Castle Marrach I have written for Skotos and was longer than the rest at 2400 words. As I lay in bed, I had a sudden ambitious thought that sparked this email to Skotos:

-----
Hello!

I've got one of those really weird questions for you guys to figure out.

These "Tales of Castle Marrach" that I write... who owns them? Is it me because I am writing them? Or, is it Skotos because it is in the Skotos universe and Skotos gave me the summary of the story? Or, is it somewhere in between like Margaret Weiss writing for Dungeons & Dragons?

You see, I was thinking, as I continue on with these stories, I could easily, within 6 to 8 months, have an anthology of somewhere in the neighborhood of 30,000 words - just based on the Tales of Castle Marrach stories. It jumps to 60,000+ words if I add in my "Hucked Tankard" tales. More, if I write up any of my "Tales of the Outer Bailey" stories (idea still pending).

Heck, thinking really ambitiously, we could have a Castle Marrach anthology/collaboration published sometime in the semi-near future (2002). Though, I suspect, after I convert the logs into actual stories, I would really need an editor like Karen or Kimberly, to go over the manuscript with a fine tooth comb.

So, there you go. A strange question and ambitious thoughts.

Thanks,
Jennifer
-----

They haven't answered me, yet. Then again, I don't expect them to. Not immediately. I figure they are going to have to do some serious thinking about all this. It could be another source of revenue for them and a good way to have me have my first published novel... well, anthology... but published nonetheless.

Also, since I'm on the subject of writing, my latest poem, Arms of a Stranger, was actually inspired by a journal entry from Eleanor of Ellipses. My poem actually has nothing to do with the context in which the phrase "who wakes up in the arms of a stranger" that Eleanor wrote about but, the phrase itself struck me just right and out popped my May poem.

Oh! Thinking of other ambitious thoughts... I've been chosen to work on Skotos' game, Horizon Station - yeah! *happy dance* I'm going to be building and describing parts of the space station. I'm keenly thrilled about this as Horizon Station is the only other Skotos game that has caught my attention thus far. I'm just hoping that someone reminds me of this happy feeling when I'm up to my ears in TWIKI code and cursing the day computers were invented.

TWO DAYS UNTIL MY VACATION!!!

(just had to be said)

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Swords, Inverted

Hiatus until June 11

Whoops. I'm on vacation. I forgot to mention that while on vacation, I probably won't be updating my journal. I'm sure you all don't want to hear things like "Slept until noon. Watched a movie. Ate." which is pretty much what I'm going for on this vacation. The object of it is to actually rest and relax and enjoy myself.

So, I probably won't update again until June 11th, when I go back to work. Then, I'll give you all a summary and be back on my normal schedule. See ya later!

Tarot Card for the Day: Eight of Swords