MARCH 1999

Monday. Well, if you read yesterday's entry, you probably already know that my day went downhill from there. I spiralled into an incredible depression, crying softly and then berating myself for being so pathetic. The hormones grabbed me by the short hairs and did not let go. I was even wanting a child. A child?? What - has my biological clock kicked in? What was I thinking?!

I really wanted to talk to someone about the whole situation. A girlfriend to call up and cry on. But, knowing me, I would also lash out at them. So, I did what any self respecting girl would do in my position.

I cooked up a whole lot of garlic popcorn and hiberated in my room to watch two bad and brainless, but ultimately amusing movies: Lost Boys and The Craft. It really helped. Then, I worked on my website, getting my page set up for the Onnwall campaign. Then, I got caught up in Poltergeist: The Legacy on TV - at midnight, when I should have been going to bed. Instead, I stayed up way too late and went to bed at 1am... only to have my mind going on overdrive and watching 2:30am and 3:30am roll by.

By the time I fell asleep, I had designed the "Fanzine" version of the North Kingdom campaign to give as gifts for my gaming buddies, redesigned one of my other websites, mentally written 1/2 of this diary entry and a letter to the Move team at work, mentally wrote "28. Lammas' Night" (For the NKC) and "1. Forewarned" (For the Onnwall Campaign) as well as exhausted a number of fantasies in an effort to attempt to go to sleep.

When I finally did sleep, I had nightmares. The first dream was about my friend Alan visiting me. There was something about us on the couch, reading or sleeping and suddenly, he wanted sex with me. I told him "No." He got angry at me. Very angry. Then, I knew he was masterbating. I tried to get away from him but he orgasmed and splashed his release on me, my face, my couch. I remember feeling horribly dirty and disgusted. (I know Alan would never do anything like that to me.)

Then, I dreamed that I was in a self defense class for women. Each woman was relating what happened to them and why they were here. Each horrible act was described in awful detail: rapes, attempted murder, robbery. Each woman was helpless to stop their attacker. I don't remember if I talked or not. When the class let out, I discovered that it was right next to a jail and they were bringing prisoners in. Some of the men were the women's attackers. Something happened so that one of the women said my full name. One of the prisoners heard it.... he mentally catelogued it and began to set up an awful, painful demise for me once he was out. I remember it seeming like an episode of "The Profiler" with Jack.... The dream me had no way of knowing what he was plotting... while the observer me was helpless to stop him.

Needless to say, I was tired when I got up this morning.

I've been pondering the existance of Hidden Groups and Secret Societies. Ones that know about the supernatural - watch it, study it, stop it, help it, etc... So many different stories mention them:

The Talamasca in the Anne Rice Novels
• The Watchers in the Highlander Series
• The Council of Watchers in Buffy, The Vampire Slayer
• The Arcanum in the White-Wolf, World of Darkness Series.

Akien just came to visit. He has a very good grasp on reading people. *sigh* He knew something was wrong. Something had happened over the weekend. Asked me what was up. I don't like being an open book to someone... makes you vulnerable. I told him about Chris and he immediately knew that it was not Chris that I was mourning the loss of - it was the loss of "The Dream." Yes, Chris had been a dream for me. And now, that dream is dead. He was the one that was closest to me. One that I almost married. I wonder if subconsciously if I think that maybe... I'm mourning the loss of the dream of ever getting married at all.

I think one of my biggest fears in life is that I will forever be alone.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Never underestimate the power of a good depression. Sometimes, you just got to ride them out.

Tuesday. Yesterday turned into a much better day than I thought. I fed my impulses to the max and I don't feel guilty for it! *nods to herself* First, I updated my Favorite Quotes page. Then, I totally revamped my Links of Interest page to make it a lot easier to use. Then, I remembered to order my Mom flowers for her birthday (it's tomorrow) but I couldn't find a site online that I liked. So, 1800Flowers it was. One dozen yellow roses. After that, I wandered back to my Links of Interest page and remembered that I needed to buy Alex and Johanna's wedding gift. I found it at The Fellowship Foundry. My friend, Kevin, is one of the main pewtersmiths there. I got them the Crystal Vine Heart Wedding Set: Goblets, a cake top, a cake cutter and server. Johanna's Mom (the proper Englishwoman that she is) will either die of horror at is unusual gift or love it to pieces as a new family heirloom. I can never tell with her. I even got Alex and Johanna's names engraved on the goblets. I think they will *love* it.

Then... I went wandering over to Firebird Arts & Music. I have been wanting get my bardic music on CD for a while but I haven't had the catalog. So, I thought to call them up and order one. Unfortunately, they would have to charge me $3 for it. Bummer. Then the lady (I forget her name - she's really nice) suggested that I order just ONE item that I *know* I want. That way, I'd get the item and the catalog (without paying for the catalog). At that point, my credit card leapt out of my purse and *begged* me to use him again. Before I knew it, I had ordered ALL of the CDs I've been wanting for ages. *whoops* OK. Impulse spending ho!! (Guess that means I need to hold off on buying my new printer for a month or so.) In any case, check them out - they have tons of cool fantasy music and books. And when you call to order, tell her... "Jenn sent me!"

Still working on my writing. Hoping to have a new story done tonight. Taking Rich to get his tattoo tomorrow night... then the College game on Thursday. (Btw: I found out that Casey's chairs cost $100 each. *ow* He's going to try to get them to fix the chair - if not, I'll be paying for it.) Friday night, I've agreed to go clubbing with Rich and friends for Rich's - I've been in CA for ten years anniversary. Man. I haven't gone clubbing in so long. I'm going to feel like a fool. And, I've agreed to drive! To the City!! (What was I smoking last night??) So, I can't drink at all. *sigh* Oh well. I'm sure I'll have fun. (If I don't break my ankle or something stupid like that.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: When things get tough, the tough go shopping!

Wednesday. I went on a writing spree last night and got both 28. Lammas Night and both 29. A Dinner of... Friends? done for the North Kingdom Campaign serial. Now, I have only one story left to finish out the whole series. It will be a nice sense of accomplishment once it is done.

It looks like Mom and Dad have a very good possibility of moving to N. Carolina this year. Dad, apparently, has found *the* perfect house for sale - within walking distance of my sister. Also, he found an ad for a job opening that he thinks he would be really good for. I can see it now. Dad will get the job and move out to N. Carolina. Mom will stay in her current job until September as a minimum - 10 year anniversay to lock in certain benefits. Then, Mom will pack up the house, sell it and move out to N. Carolina. And everyone will be happy.

I will, of course, miss my parents, a lot. But, I'm not freaking out about it like I did the first time the idea was brought up. Also, I'm not pining for the house anymore. I know I can't buy it and even if I could, I couldn't live in it. It's too far away from my job. *sigh* I will miss the house a lot, too.

I've been having a *lot* of domestic type thoughts lately... marriage, a family, a home with a white picket fence... It's scary to realize that I *do* want to be married. The kid thing is still up in the air. Maybe kittens. I don't know. I've been thinking about my overseas guy a lot, too.

Going bridesmaid dress shopping with Johanna (this domestic thought stuff is HER fault) this weekend. I have to find a dress that will fit me and look good... and, get this, will also fit and look good on Johanna's cousin's size 6 frame. *grump* Well, she should look good in anything. I'm going to suit myself. I am the Maid of Honor, after all.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Smile. It makes them wonder.

Thursday. I've been sleeping a lot more lately. I know, at first, it was cause I was sick. Then, I got into the habit - which led to the bad habit of dragging myself into work at 10am. I was saying it was to miss commute traffic (admittedly, that's partly true) but really, it's because I was being lazy. Once again, I prove myself to be a contradiction in terms. While I have a good work ethic, I'm lazy and I know it.

So, recently, since my boss is starting to do the "I'm panicking" dance over the QA stuff, I've been dragging my butt out of bed and trying to get myself to work by nine. (Yeah, I can just hear you all weeping for me.) What I'm trying to do is get it so eventually, I'll be coming to work at eight am. This -is- hard for me because my body's optimum hours are 9am to 1-2am.

The domestic thoughts are still in full swing. I've decided to blame Johanna for this. Doing all this wedding stuff and having serious discussions about children. It's all *her* fault. *grin* The more I think about it, the more I really like the idea of marriage. And the kid thing, it's sorta growing on me - like a fugus. *grin* I wonder if this is all hormones and will go away when my period ends. We shall see.

Took Rich to get this tattoo yesterday. A nice wolf's head on his bicep. I really like it. And, of course, I want more tattoos. But, I was good. I restrained myself. I have to decide what's next, first. I think the celtic knotwork is.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: It takes only two weeks to make or break a habit - To make bad habits or break good ones, two weeks is a blink of an eye. For breaking bad habits or making good ones, two weeks is forever and a day.

Friday! I love Fridays. I saw a peregrine falcon on the way to work - it's my good omen. I will have a good day today. So far, it's true. I thought my Boss was going to have a bit of chewing on me today about the whole situation. Turns out, no. He's just antsy because it's not set up and we had no "PATH" to getting it set up. After our meeting with our buildmeister, we are happier and I have direction to go in. Though, I may have to come into work this Sunday. Ah well. Also, seems my boss is *determined* that I will learn batch files, scripting and the like. (I know, not part of the job desc when I began. It is now.) So, he's tossing me in, head first.

I go to Rich's place about eight pm. I know it's going to be a late running night, so I'm not surprised that I'm only the second one there. It's not going to be a big party anyway. Rich and Greg M and I talk about everything and nothing. It is a casual fun time. When Shauna and Ralph get there, I discover I don't have to drive. Hot d*mn!

We drive to the city. It looks very pretty at night with all the lights. We pick up Cil on the way. Park, ignore the street people who ignore us too. We are all in black. Four of us in leather jackets. We all look very good together. If this were a movie, this would be one of the slow motion shots before the group causes havoc. For the 100th time, I think to myself that I need a leather jacket.

Once in the club, "Shine of Lilith" we are tagged as 21+ and stamped. Immediately, I am drawn to the little stand of trinkets. Pretty to look at. Over priced as expected. I cannot help but look at the pretty goths around me. I did not honestly know the meaning of "pretty goth" until now. All the lace, leather, vinyl. The heavy make up. The velvet.

We go to the bar. I buy Rich his first drink, a long island. I have amaretto on the rocks. A stardard for me. I am very glad I wore my black jeans as Rich's overfilled drink slops onto my leg. Cil and I sit while the rest stand. I half listen to the conversation as I goth watch. I am so envious of the beautiful people but as I watch and hear snippets of conversation, I suddenly feel like I am in a surreal Vampire LARP. Along with pretty goths in their fancy clothes comes pretention.

"... Did you see what she was wearing? As if..."

"... And then he said to me..."

"... Where did you get that, darling? It looks lovely on you..."

As I am sitting there, chatting with my group, I try to force the comparison out of my head. I am beginning to get bored. Is this all there was to the goth scene? It can't be. I look around at my friends. Rich is happily on his way to drunkdom. I am not far behind. I don't even remember the last time I drank. Ralph isn't drunk. Cil and Shauna are drinking lightly. Greg isn't drinking. He's only 20.

I'm starting to feel a little disgruntled then Rich says, "Let's dance." That perks me up. Only Rich and I go out on the dance floor. It is short. I am feeling very conscious of the fact that I am not as fluid or slender or pretty as the rest. Two songs later, Rich is done. And I am not dancing by myself. So, we go back to the group who are chatting about music. Ralph comes up. "Who wants to dance?" "I do!" I respond. "Let's go."

Ralph is a hoot. I did not realize that until tonight. He seems so shy, quiet but he's not. He's bright, witty and funny. As we dance, he shows me the difference between "80's" dancing, "Gothic" dancing and "Industrial" dancing - all in the same song. Then, he leads the dance, calling out "80's" or "Gothic" - and we change our style to the dance, at the same time. I see people watching us but I don't care anymore.

Music coursing, lights flashing. I move my body to the music. I don't care what anyone is doing or if they are watching me. I close my eyes a little. To me, I am the only one on the dance floor. I discover, Tai chi, modified, goes well with Gothic music. Dancing, matching the rhythm - I am alone but part of the Whole. I am aware of Ralph and where he is. I am aware of the other dancers - a cacophony of motion and sound. All of us together make up One. I am happy.

Finally, Ralph motions me to come and we leave the dance floor. We meet up with the rest, who are still chatting and having a good time. I don't pay too much attention to the conversation. I am goth watching. I am listening to the music in my body. I feel the bass through the walls. It is very late and I am in a half fugue state. Just feeling. Not thinking.

After a while, I discover that Ralph is out dancing again. Shauna urges me on. I hesistate. What if he doesn't want to dance with me? Then I realize: Who cares? No one does. I will dance by myself. So I go out there and end up meeting up with Ralph. We dance again. We talk. I don't know about what. Then, we tire and go to leave and meet up with Rich. We get him to dance. It's a good thing. The last two songs of the night. I did not know it was so late.

Everyone is happy, leaving. We cram into Ralph's Explorer again and decide food is a priority on the way home. In the resturaunt, I take my hair down. I have the wild 'just been f*cked' look. There is almost no one is the place. A guy looks at me and blows a kiss. I smile, then ignore him. The alcohol is making me tired. I want to go to bed but food first. Then, Ralph takes everyone home. By this time, I am sober and very sleepy.

I remember to take off my make up and such. I look at the clock as I crawl into bed. 5:30am. The last thought I remember as my head hits the pillow is... 'I'm too old for this sh*t.'

Saturday. Noon. I'm not hung over but I am grumpy. My thighs are sore from the dancing. I can't help but smile. I did have a good time last night. Next time, skip the expensive drinks and just dance. I love to dance. I'm not too good but this is one place where it doesn't matter. I want to go back. Next time the group says, "Let's go dancing." I won't be so shy about it.

I have nothing planned for today except to pay bills. Joy oh joy. Food. I think food is a priority again.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Life is the Dance. So dance on and on." -

Sunday. Yesterday was an utterly lazy day. I got up at noon, played online a bit, got bored, worked on my writing some and then ended up visiting with Kat and Terry for dinner and a movie, though, we never got to the movie part. Everyone was really tired. Me from getting in at 5:30am and them for rearranging their room and working on sanding and varnishing a bookcase.

Oh yeah, and I paid bills. Always a fun chore. NOT! Actually, it wasn't so bad. I discovered that if I stay on the basically straight and narrow, I can be debt free by December 1999. WOW! There really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Based on what I'm paying out on my bills now and my total debt, there is no reason that I cannot be debt free in EIGHT months. It was a startling realization.

Back in 1995, I was 50K in debt. Yes. 50K - due to a failed business, credit cards, student loans and a car. For a 24 year old, that is an incredible amount, especially when 1/3 of it is dropped on you at one time. Also, I wasn't making near the money I am now. There was a lot of scraping of money for food and I rarely went out. I became completely paranoid that I would never be able to pay it all off AND equally determined that I -would- (d*mmit!) pay it off. Also, I have sworn, since that day, NEVER EVER to get myself in that kind of debt ever again.

It has been the millstone around my neck, the tether that keeps me grounded, the dark cloud ever over my head. I am not poor, but most of the time, I conserve money like I am. I do have the occassional splurges but generally not. Now, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I wonder what it will truly be like to be debt free.

In an odd way, the Debt has shaped me. Become my friend. It is always there. It has taught me discipline and to conserve. I know the value of a dollar - perhaps not as vividly as I once did, but I am very very conscious of the lesson the debt has taught me: Do not live beyond your means.

It is a hard, hard lesson to learn in this materialistic world of credit cards and debt. Debt used to be shunned. Now, it's accepted as a daily part of life. And, it has come back to bite people in the ass, time and time again. We never learn. Well, almost never. I have learned. I will never put myself in that kind of credit debt again. The only purchases I will do in that manner are a car and a house. Otherwise, I will live within my means.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Never lend something to someone that you cannot live without.

Monday. I finished up Blaze of Glory. It is the very last episode of the North Kingdom Campaign. I feel really good to have finally finished it. I have created a single document called: The North Kingdom Campaign: Revelations & Consequences. It is the first book in the Chronicles of Elea Clearlight & Friends. (I'm the author, so I get first billing. *grin*) It is 235 pages long and just over 95,200 words!! That's a hunk of writing. It could be a real book at that length.

I told Alex about it and that I was going to bind it into a book and give it out as gifts for the Gaming group at the next session. He immediately asked if he could edit it and add in some of his own stuff - background and conversations with Donnan/Britage, Donnan/Valaria, Donnan/Bretonius ... etc. I told him that he could *IF* he could get it back to me in a -timely- manner. Alex hasn't been too good on following up on his end of things. After a couple of missed stories, I just decided to go on without him. Part of me wanted to immediately say, "NO! It's my baby!" But then, I realized that it was part of him, too. He was the other major character in the stories and one of the most active players/writers/feedback people. So, I have to let go of my jealousy and fear. I think I'm doing OK.

I've started on the beginnings of the Onnwal Campaign and written up the first episode: Forewarned. Which basically an episode by episode synopsis of the North Kingdom Campaign. But, right now, I'm not going to be concentrating on it too much. I've completely neglected my other writings (Wallace Falls, Lady Elizabeth, Swan) in favor of getting this one done. I need a breather before I dive back into the AD&D fantasy stuff.

Work is REALLY busy but I'm not really complaining. It's nice to have something to do and to be needed and have people responding to you... but, I'm starting to get annoyed with my own lack of knowledge on QA Partner, batch files and scripting. And what's worse, those people I'm having to go to are either busy with their own stuff or not that helpful. What I *need* is someone to show me a COMPLETE QAP script that is done, working and compiled, so I can model my work off of it. But getting that done is like pulling teeth. I'm trying to be patient with myself and the people around me.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: It's hard to remember that your job was to just drain the swamp when you are up to your ass in alligators!

Tuesday. I was really tired when I got home yesterday. I ended up eating dinner with Donnan (Chinese!), playing online for a short time and then deciding that I would rather read. I have started on: Just The Facts, Ma'am: A Writer's Guide to Investigators and Investigation Techniques. I really like it. I have never really sat down and figured out what makes a good detective in a mystery/murder novel. As the Author, Greg Fallis, put it - all stories are essentially mystery novels - they have something that happens because of a chain of events - however illogical that chain of events seems, there is a logical progression. Most readers are very picky about the details being accurate and correct. I think this "Howdunit Series" will be good for me and my writing.

Speaking of which, I've decided that I'm not going to write anything but this journal until next week. I need a break. Mostly to clear out the cobwebs and relax, distance myself from my writings in progress. I don't want to get bogged down into "having" to write. That's no fun and that's why I write. I *like* it.

Work is horribly busy these days. And again, I'm not complaining cause of the work - I'm complaining because I am having one hell of a time learning to use QA Partner on my own. When I was hired, I told them that I don't know how to script and was told, "Don't worry about it." Well.... I am treading water as fast as I can. Also, my Boss is still pressing me on this stuff. He's also starting to get impatient and short with me when I try to explain that I don't have the skills I need and my resources (ie: Steph, Diane) are just as busy as we are. *sigh* I have got to get this working today.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "It ain't sexy. Then, reality rarely is." - Greg Fallis

Wednesday. I've updated the main pages of my website with Site Meter, just to see which pages people are actually going to and where they are coming from. In the past two days, it's been very interesting. I didn't realize I got so much traffic to my Diablo's Children LARP site. I guess I better spruce it up so more.

And, just I had decided not to write at all this week, the Muse struck me and I wrote a new poem: Redemption. I rather like it. And, I completely revamped my Poems page, yet again. I think I'll stick with this format for a while. It's open, clean and easy to read.

I learned a lesson from breaking one of my New Year's Resolutions yesterday. Remember the one about not eating red meat? Well, there was some red meat in the Chinese I had with Donna on Monday. *oy* Even though I only had about three bites, my body reacted *very* strongly to it yesterday. So much so that I will most definitely stick to chicken and fish only.

I'm having some problems at my work right now. Part of it is my fault for not being aggressive enough. Part of it is because what they want me to do is not in my job description - well, it wasn't but it is now and part is because my Boss kept saying "Don't worry about it" until two weeks ago. Suddenly, we are behind, it's my fault and he is getting impatient with me. Do you know how hard it is for me to say, "I don't have the necessary technical skills to do what you want me to do."? EXTREMELY hard for me.

I am a proud person but I'm realistic. OK. I'm in over my head and I know it. I've been getting help from various people in the company but it's a stop gap measure at best. I should have had a good 2-3 day professional crash course in QA Partner back in December when things were slow for me. But, no, my boss said I didn't need to worry about it and I could always get help from people in the company. Hindsight is 20/20.

Me and the bossman are supposed to have a "Chat" today. (Oh sh*t.) I came in early to do it but, as usual, he's not to be found. That is part of the problem. "I'll see you in 20 minutes." And 2 hours later I'm still looking for him for my meeting. And mostly, it's because he is so darned busy. I have to sit him down today and tell him some hard truths. It's going to suck. Massively.

I'm really afraid to admit my shortcomings, but if I don't... bad things will happen.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I will trust you more if you tell me something I do not want to hear.

Thursday. Well. Today is better than yesterday. Yes. The meeting with the bossman *sucked* outloud. I tried to tell him how I felt and he told me, "Yes, but I sense a great reluctance on your part to really dive into things. Why is that?"

Oh. I don't know. Maybe because I wasn't hired to do the job that you are having me do now?? Maybe cause I'm floundering like a fish out of water? Maybe cause I do not want to code?

*sigh* In any case, I just could not keep it together to be coherent. I *HATE* breaking down infront of my boss. On a good note, he stayed with me for like 2 hours, helping me set things up and explaining some of those fundamentals that I was missing. Akien came over and helped out too. After that, I was doing good. Got a number of QA Partner scripts done.

Still, I'm going to have to put in some extra long hours to: 1. Get my boss' respect back. 2. Really understand what the heck I'm am doing now (Esp. since my job has changed.)

Got a wedding invitation to Robert's wedding. It's a beautiful invite. I hope I can go, even it is only for the weekend. And, it's not just PMS. I still want a husband and a child. I was talking about it to my Mom two nights ago. I needed to hear a friendly voice when I was stressing about the job. I told her about my sudden want for a husband and family.... The words, "I'm ready to be a housewife - to dote on my husband, to cook dinner every night and to have a baby." actually came out of my mouth. My mom laughed.

March 1999 will always be remembered as: The Month Things Changed.

Wow. I sound like the truly liberated woman... I have the career but I want the family. I want to be the housewife. Feminists everywhere are having heart attacks. *smile*

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Sometimes, you just need to hear, "It's going to be OK." from your Mom. Then... everything really will be OK.

Friday. Yesterday started out OK and ended on a very embarassing note. Maryann, the Catbert (HR, for you non-Dilbert fans) of the company decided that yesterday was a good date have my 90 day review. Basically, to see how things were going, if there where any problems, etc...

She could not have picked a worse week.

I tried to tell her that things had been a little stressful and, well, maybe we should do this next week. She was not hearing any of it and started probing. (I guess that's her job. If someone isn't happy, find out why.) So, next thing I know, I'm blubbering all over the place as I try to explain to her the situation with me and my bossman and the changing of my job duties. Our half hour meeting became an hour with me pouring out everything. After I was done, I felt better. I didn't realize that I had been penting so much up, but, still, I felt like a wuss, a wimp and a narc. I didn't want to get the Bossman in trouble. He's a really good guy.

Maryann assured me that all was OK. It's her job to listen. She asked me some questions on how to solve the problem, told me that the Bossman was a new manager and maybe that was a little bit of the communication problem and that I should NOT feel guilty for needing time with the Bossman and people from the QA group to get my job done. Also... that I was definitely my own worst, harshest critic. She joked with me, "If you were really doing as bad as you think, I would have heard about it already." So. Now. I have to get back to her on Monday about my thoughts on the situation and how to make it better. *sigh*

Yesterday's College game was really, really good. Everyone was involved. Some twists happened that I didn't expect. And we have a plan of action and solution to go for next week. A good time was had by all.

I just hope I do that well when I run.

I've been noticing... the last couple of weeks have been bad for a lot of my friends. I'm wondering if it's the weather, the timing or what. Because of it, all the girls are heading to the city on Saturday to hang out, shop and do a GIRL'S thing. It's an impressive set of girls, too: Kat, Shauna, Me, Lisa, Melissa, Johanna, Laurel and a chick I haven't met before. We are going to do lunch at a pizza place, then hit stores like: (WARNING!! THESE ARE ADULT TYPE STORES!) Stormy Leathers, Mr.S, Good Vibrations and Blackened Angels (Goth Clothing Store). Then, we are going to go to Vintage clothes fair. It sounds like a great girly day. Lots of giggles and wicked whisperings. There is a call from the abandoned boys' camp that, that night, we all meet up for a social *something* at someone's house. We'll see.

Oh yeah! I found one of my favorite catalogs online, The Pyramid Collection. But I've managed to NOT buy from there, yet.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "I may be Love's bitch... but at least I'm man enough to admit it." Spike to Angel and Buffy from Buffy, The Vampire Slayer.

Saturday. I really, really love Sitemeter.Com. It has this stats check thing that lets you get the URL of the referring page. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I made it to... NOT one... but TWO other journalist list of links!!! Michael of Gazing into the Abyss and Horus of GWYM (Go West, Young Man). I was so incredibly pleased. It put a very nice end on a horribly awful week.

Michael had just arrived in the SF Bay Area. I've emailed him to welcome him here. I think that's how he found my Journal site. But Horus was a complete and total surprise!! I had no clue who he was. So, I immediately went wandering through his site and discovered that he was a Vampire LARPer!!! Wow! *bounce* I'm going to have to read his journal now. Fellow LARPers always interest me. I was feeling so enthusiastic that I emailed him hello and babbled at him about my LARP experience, pointing him at my Alter Egos page to read about Marlena Whittaker (You remember her.) and to my Adult Fiction, (For those of you OVER 21) to read about Lady Elizabeth Bannister (She's at the bottom of the page.). I hope he writes back and doesn't think I'm a geek. [Oh... wait. I like being a geek.] Hope he writes back and doesn't think I'm a goober.

Now, I know that Regan mentions me at least once every two weeks in her diary (she doesn't have a List O'Links) and Patrick was the first to put me in his List O'Links, but this was really an unexpected surprise.

OK. So, I'm easily amused.

And for you Buffy, The Vampire Slayer fans out there... this is just too funny and too wrong for words: Puffy

I have discovered that it is really, really hard not to write when you say, "I'm going to take a one week break." Suddenly, things are popping in my head to get me past stuck points in already-started-stories and new, cool things that are begging to be written. I guess that's the point of the break: cleaning the attic and letting the blocked stuff through.

Also, for me, writing is very emotional and can be draining. As I write, I experience the emotions attached. It makes my writing that much more believable and identifiable to the reader. So, if I'm writing a very sad death scene or something that hurts, I am usually sobbing through the whole thing. Or, if it is an angry scene... *hoo-boy* My temper shoots through the roof.

I don't know if this is weird or not. I just know this is the way I am.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: All it takes is a single word to inspire or destory a dream. Careless words can break the soul.

Who am I?

Monday. This weekend was what I needed, I think. A bit of relaxing and perspective. Sometimes, one just needs to step back and take a look at things.

The Girl's Jaunt into the City turned out to be me, Lisa, Laurel, Kat and Johanna. Lisa and I BARTed in together. As always, it was a trip. She and I got completely ogled by a couple of 'interesting' guys. So, we emersed ourselves in my retelling of my first time at The Shrine of Lilith in San Francisco. The MUNI bus into the Castro wasn't much better. She and I were very happy to meet up with the rest of the girls.

First, we had lunch at Fuzio - a *good* pastaria. *mmm* Then, to Faerie Queen Chocolates, a wonderful chocolate store. Then on to Uncle Mame's, a truly outrageous store that must be seen to be believed. From there, we took a serious walk up to Laurel's car... 7 City blocks straight up one of the infamous San Francisco hills. Laurel drove us to Romantasy, where we all seriously *drooled* over the corsets there. All of us silently sweared to save the money to get a corset someday. Then, it was off to Good Vibrations where I was consulted by a nervous woman eager to try everything, but not into pain... she thought. Maybe. I pointed some toys out and then "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns" book. We spotted her and her male companion leaving the store with bulging packages.

As we wandered from there to Stormy Leathers, I noticed that the five of us were getting a lot of looks. Guys were starting to whistle and several cars slowed down to call to us. "Hey babe!" "Where's the party!" "Can we come home with you?" None of us were looking particularly good or bad but all of us were feeling very, very good. That was showing and attracting. It was interesting to watch and be watched, knowing that it was the attitude and joy that we felt that attracted them.

While at Stormy Leathers, I found the most awesome latex babydoll dress. There was no way I could justify buying it. Besides, they didn't have my size. The lady there explained that they just started the "Extra lusty" size section and that if I wanted it, they could take my measurements and make me a dress. I really liked the term "Extra lusty" for "BBW" or "Full figured." It was nice. Laurel and I got to talking about the smOdyssey SM Prom going on in April. She wants to go with me... And if I go, I need a dress... *perk* Justification for the Latex babydoll! So, we'll see.

We ended the trip to San Francisco at Mister S. Kat and Johanna headed to BART while Laurel, me and Lisa headed back to my house. We sat and chatted, then off to China Chili for dinner. They were suitably impressed. The day ended over at Lisa's house, watching the Red Dwarf special that was pretty lame.

Laurel spent the night at my house. We spent the next day chatting about every and nothing - from deep metaphysical philosophy to the relationship between our characters in the next Bedlam's Rest game and everything inbetween. After she left, I spent time watching vampire movies - the first was a truly horrible Alyssa Milano movie, "Embraced By the Vampire" and then the much better, Anne Rice, "Interview With A Vampire" movie.

All in all, it was a very relaxing weekend. I enjoyed it. Now, I think I can face what's going to happen on Monday at work and start writing again.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Rule #2: Everyone has the power to make things happen. The saddest words in any language are 'what could have been'... If you want something done.... *DO* it. If you want to be something... *BE* it... or die trying. The power of change comes from within.... and bonded to others with the same ideals... it is the strongest force in the universe.

Tuesday. OK. Work is going a mite bit better. Not much, but it is survivable. I managed to write a script that runs a batch file, verifies the output log for "FAILED" and then writes the Pass/Fail to a file that is shunted over to my computer. That's the good part. The bad part is that it still isn't being built in our client/server regression setup. Apparently, I've found yet another bug in the setup that has mystified the QA Tools group. Nice to find a bug... but sucks that my script isn't working in the proper set up.

I feel like I've walked in after the opening credits and opening scene of a movie. I know the premise but I don't know the details and it is slowly coming back to me. It is difficult and confusing and I should have started doing this 2 months ago (hindsight is 20/20) but I figure after 2-3 weeks of this, I will be back in the swing of things... I hope.

If nothing else, tonight should be an interesting "bonding" experience. The Systems group is going to The Fault Line, a pub in Mountain View for some drinking, relaxing and "bonding" time that is not in the work environment. I missed the last one. I decided to not miss this next one. Maybe it will help in some way. As it is now, I feel closer to the QA Tools group than the Systems group.

I find it deeply ironic and slightly amusing that my Heather Alexander tape: Wanderlust has gone on Walkabout. I tore my room apart looking for it. I had (and still have) the need to listen to the song, "Stolen Child" - it's the poem by Yeats. I know of two artists who put it to music: Heather Alexander, on her "Wanderlust" CD and Loreena McKinnet, on her "Elemental" CD. Strangely enough, I really hate the Loreena McKinnet version and adore the Heather Alexander one.

Have you ever had that happen? Where you *crave* to hear a particular song? You can already hear it in you head but you need to really hear it? Occassionally, it happens. Then, it is overwhelming. Usually, I have no problem. I have my tape or CD and I can listen to it as many times as I wish until the need goes away. Usually, it is a favorite song that is a muse or inspires me to dream. I hope I find my tape soon.

Check out The Jenny Thing. They are a local alternative band. Very cool guys. I know the bassist, Ehern. Very nice... adorably handsome and *sigh* very taken. You can get their cds here on their own order page or on Amazon.com. And no, I don't just like them for their name... though, you have to admit... it is pretty snazzy! *grin*

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Chorus of "Stolen Child" - Poem by W.B. Yeats

Wednesday. It's been a LONG week already and it's only Wednesday. My shoulders are so tight from the coding. But, I've gotten a lot done. Wish my boss appreciated it more. He's still dancing on how we are behind. I write a couple hundred lines of code and he's like. "Good... good. Tomorrow, we need to talk about doing builds. We're still behind." *grump* You try learning a new program and dusting off 6+ year old coding skills during crunch time. No wonder I'm grumpy and tired.

Oh yeah... the bossman postponed the libations until next week. I think he is coming down with something. That would be a bad thing. But, he did say he was heading to the Doctor's office.

Since my normal lunchtime Companion has been out of touch lately, I have been spending some of my time addicted to the KittenCam! It's addicting and these kittens are just too adorable for words.

Have to decide if I'm going to go out dancing on Friday with my gaming buddies to Polly Esther's/The Culture Club or stay home and relax, get some sleep for the Diablo's Children game on Saturday night.

Isn't it sad? I am weighing sleep against going out, dancing and staying out way too late. I wish I was younger, more fit, less responsible, less pragmatic... more or less of something. *laugh* I'm not even thirty and I'm talking like my life is over and I'm falling apart. I think I'm just reluctant to go somewhere that I haven't been before. If Shauna had said Shrine of Lilith, I'd be all over it. The Polly Esther's/The Culture Club is a 70's & 80's club. I dislike 70's music, but adore 80's music. It's probably a bit of a meat market, too. Hah! And I'm complaining? No. I probably wouldn't recognize a pass if it came up and bit me in the butt. We'll see. I probably won't know if I'll go until Thursday or Friday.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: " So close no matter how far.... Couldn't be much more from the heart.... Forever trusting who we are.... And Nothing Else Matters" - Metallica, Nothing Else Matters

Thursday. You know it is going to be interesting when two managers walk into your office and say, "We're going to tell you something that most of the company doesn't know, yet." P'nuck? That got my attention in a big hurry. My bossman and Akien sat down and began...

My Boss: "The company is about to go through some major reorganizing..."
Akien finishes: "Which means, I get you."

*blink*

*blink*

I've been traded to another department?! I thought, feeling like a football player as I nodded.

Akien continued: "Acquired, is the word, I think."
My bossman: "But you'll still be doing what you're doing now."

I found the whole thing intriguing, odd and ironic. Both managers were double teaming me, talking a mile a minute, just in case I was upset about this soon-to-be announced reorganization. They both assured me that I would be doing the same thing I was doing now (*ew*) but, I would probably be moved to other things, too. Akien said that he would send me to QA Partner training immediately (it's about darned time). Then, they told me that this wasn't their decision. When I asked whose decision it was, they looked at each other, then me and said they didn't really know. They just knew that it came from on high. (So, either they really didn't know or they did and didn't want to tell me.)

After they left, I found myself smiling and giggling... There are two truly ironic facts about this whole thing:

1. The night before and yesterday morning, I was thinking of going to Casey and talking to him about whether or not there was a position in the QA tools group. I've been spending so much time with them already. I like Akien, Steph, Casey and Diane. It's a cool group to work with. I really wanted to work in this group. This seems to be a *good* case of "Be careful what you wish for..."

2. Akien... you all remember him - the poly guy who told me, back in February, that anytime I wanted to be intimate, he was game. Interesting. He has been nothing but friendly and professional since then and lately, I've been eyeing him speculatively... thinking of taking him up on the offer. However, that's all changed now. Sleep with my friend's boss... Maybe. Sleep with my boss... No. No way. No how. No Sir. That is one of those rules that I have about inter-office relationships. Still... there is something very cool about knowing that your (soon to be) boss thinks you are just "yummy."

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. It was pure dumb luck that I actually was wearing green. I look good in green. That's why I wear it. It's one of the useless holidays around. In my own reckless fashion, I made fun of it by muttering "Erin go braless." to any who wished me a happy holiday.

This brings me to an observation... Easter M&Ms are *UGLY*!! The 'pastels' look like someone barfed them up. *ew* Yuck.

On the gaming front, I swear the GM is trying to get my character, Delphi, in Diablo's Children killed off. Delphi has Bard's Tongue. So, the GM gives me visions to write poetry to and, during the game, when something triggers it, Delphi goes into a trance state and recites the poem for all to here. Most of them are triggered on a person. The ones he has given me for the next game are sure to get me attacked... and if I'm not quick enough, killed.

Just discovered that one of my online buddies works three doors down from my brother-in-law at Duke University. It's weird! Talk about 6 degrees of seperation! Of course, I think now, with the net, 6 degrees has become 2 or 3 degrees. It is truly becoming "One World" and a global community. I just wish we could stop fighting with each other.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Green Aventurine (green metallic iridescence) A healing stone in times of readjustment and transition. It gently and calmly stabilizes the body. Increase opportunities in speculative ventures. HEALTH AIDS: Transformation of a physical condition.

Too busy.

Saturday. I was *SO* busy yesterday that I didn't even have a chance to write up my journal entry. The last two days have been an exercise in frustration, a lot of thumping my head to the desk, patience and tiny victories here and there. The elation that I had from learning that I will be jumping departments is slowly leaking away with the frustration from having to do a job that I'm not really trained for.

You know it is not a good sign when you and your (soon to be, unannounced) boss are working on a problem and you grumble, "I hate not knowing things." And he sits back and says, "I have to admit, I am finding that your lack of technical expertise surprising for someone in your position."

Oh. *OW*

That really hurt... but only because it was true.

Through my heated blush, I did explain to him about my interview and that I had been very forthcoming in my interview about my technical skills - I am damned good at QA and Macs. Most of my QAing was not applications and I had not worked on an NT system, nor had I ever done whitebox testing. However, I was more than willing to try. That is something I told Sundar when I was hired. And when I was hired, it was to set up the QA Process in the Systems group - not to do all the coding that I have been doing in the last two weeks.

Akien understood and commented that the QA Partner training I am taking at the end of the month should help. Then he said that he was sure that the department had an "NT for Dummies" book around somewhere. (They don't. I am buying one this weekend.) After he left, I sat there and had that sinking feeling that I was really in over my head. That I really didn't belong at this company. It was pretty bad. Part of me really wants to just wash my hands of the whole thing and leave the position. Only, there are two thing stopping me:

1. I really, really like this company and working for them.

2. I am not a quitter. I don't give up so easily. It's just not in me. As much as I say I am lazy... I'm not. I do do what I need to do. I just can't not try. Blame my upbringing.

Yesterday, when I was feeling pretty low, I looked up and saw that I had an email from my Mom. It was an beautiful email. She sent me this poem:

It made me smile. It was very much needed. I'm not sure how Mom knew I was feeling bad, but this poem (and my Mom sending it to me), brought tears to my eyes.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "A brave man likes the feel of nature on his face.... and a wise one knows when to get out of the rain."

Sunday. For the first day of Spring, it's been a *beautiful* day; bright sun, mild breezes, big fluffy, white, daydream-in-a-field clouds... I hope this is a good omen for the Spring to come this year.

Ahhhhh... and with the Spring comes the annual call to "Spring Cleaning." You know, when you throw open the curtains, dig out the cleaning supplies and do a thorough cleaning of the house, from top to bottom. Yeah. OK. Reality. This is what you want to do to clear out the mustiness and darkness of the house. Most people are too busy to actually do this.

However, this year, I'm going to make an honest go at it. This week is Spring Cleaning week. "Out with the Old!" Shall be the war cry heard around the house. Well, OK. In my two rooms, particularily the bedroom. The last few weeks, I've been feeling a bit out of control of my life. I think this will be theraputic in bringing me to a more centered spot. I will be assigning tasks for myself each day. Like tomorrow, I will be going through my dresser drawers. Anything I have not used in the last year, goes. If I haven't used it in a year, it's a good bet that I am not going to. Tuesday will be the bottom of my closet. Etc... Etc... Etc... You get the picture.

Anything too damaged to use will be thrown out. Anything else will be put in a bag to give to Lisa. She's working now. She could fit a lot of my clothes I haven't been able to fit in a long while. Yes, it will be difficult to give up that pretty white dress, but why have it hanging in a closet, letting it gather dust when Lisa could be using it on a daily basis? In all honesty, by the time I get back down to that size, I will simply go by new clothes. I know I will. Anything that Lisa (or her sister) can't (won't) use, will go to GoodWill.

Speaking of giving things away... In a (not so) random act of kindness (as I said I would strive to do this year), I gave away my old computer, Valdemar, to a needy family. Originally, when I got my new computer, NEED, I told a good friend, Rhysanus, that I would give him my old one. He wanted to network it and stuff. The agreement was that he would pay the shipping costs. (He's in Canada.)

But, last week, when my Dad visited, he saw the old computer, asked what I was going to do with it and when I told him that I was going to give it away... he started telling me about this one-income family, friends of his from church, how they had lost their home, was now in a small apartment, didn't have a computer but sure could use one. I hemmmed and hawed... and told Dad I would think about it.

If I had not promised it to Rhysanus, there would have been no hesistation at all. But I needed to speak to Rhysanus first. Funny thing about promises. I have this tendancy to keep them. So, I explained the situation to Rhysanus, and... Let's just say that he is wonderful man who is as generous as I.

So, today, I took it over and set it up for them. The family was overjoyed and amazed that I would do such a thing - giving a computer to virtual strangers. Giving Valdemar away wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it would be. I guess because I had already said my good-byes to him. (OK, I'm weird. So, sue me.)

It was just a perfect example of why I should do the Spring Cleaning - to get rid of all the clothing and such that I cannot and don't use. It's a waste otherwise. It has no worth to me - but I'm sure it will have worth to someone else.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I have given name to my enemy... and that name is "Clutter."

Monday. Been reading McDougall Program for Maximum Weight Loss by John A. McDougall. It's been very interesting reading. Especially about how the average American diet is set up to gain fat while still being hungry. I've been thinking about my weight a lot lately. It's all part of that self esteem thing, but recently, I've been seriously thinking about my health. I want to live a long time but I want to feel good while I'm doing it.

Getting this book came from out of the blue.

On Saturday night, before the Diablo's Childen game, Johanna came to me and said, "Um... I've been asked to kinda be an intermediary between you and someone else. Don't worry, it's not bad. Well. She has this book on weight loss and health that she wants to give you but she doesn't know how you'll take it and doesn't want to offend you."

Er? Um. OK. *BLUSH*BLUSH*BLUSH* I smiled at Johanna and through my heated blush (Is it just me or have I been doing that a lot lately?) and told her that it was just fine. I appreciate that someone thought enough of me to do such a thing and even more so to be concerned at how I would take it.

Admittedly though, weight is a very touchy subject with a lot of people. Me included. So, when Kat oh-SO-casually said, "Oh, Jenn... I've got this book I think you'll like..." I made sure to let her know that I was not offended at all and that I would read the book. Oh, yeah. Let's put things in perspective. Kat is 5'8" and about 120 pounds, soaking wet. She is a dancer. Tall, slender and willowy. I would *love* to look like her but even at my slimmest, I would not. Wrong bone structure. So, I could see why Kat would be so nervous to give this book to me.

Also, she is a vegitarian, too. She is a big proponant for not eating meat or wearing leather. And, as the girlfriend of Terry, she is vastly aware of the human body and nutritions that it needs. Most of these things are addressed in this one book.

I have to admit... it sounds good. But I'm not sure I'm really ready for such a lifestyle change. We'll see when I've finished the whole thing.

Had the character making party/Rob & DJ's birthday party last night. Actually, it wasn't really a party. It was mostly game stuff for the new Bedlam's Rest game. Things when very well for me as Lady Elizabeth Bannister. I set up some more connections with the Elders - especially the Toreador and Malkavian Elders. We had the first Toreador Clan meeting. I think it will be a very, very good game. Both the Prince and the Toreador Primogen know what I am and both don't care and are willing to vouch for me, even saying that I am a Toreador. *hehehe* I love it. It's a good thing for everyone that my character is not going to be that political.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "According to a report from the Council on Scientific Affairs of the Journal of the American Medical Association, 'Despite a multitude of programs designed to treat obesity, success in treament often is difficult to achieve. If a 'cure' for obesity is definded as reduction to desired weight and maintenance of that weight for five years, it is more likely that a person will be cured of most forms of cancer than obesity.'" - p.7, McDougall Program for Maximum Weight Loss

Tuesday. I feel like a hamster, running in place as fast as I can but going absolutely nowhere. As soon as I got the builder working, the client broke. When I'd get the client fixed, the builder wouldn't be able to find the workspace that I had just been working in not 20 minutes earlier. It was getting very frustrating and tiresome.

It looks like the mini-reorganization will not be announced. Also, I discovered that Akien knew about the mini-reorg a few weeks ago. I wonder if Sundar did.

I think Sundar is a bit annoyed(?) upset(?) both(?) at Akien being shifted as my manager. Akien forwarded me an email from him about the time of a meeting and it had started with: "Since you are now Jennifer's Manager(!)..." There's something odd about the way Sundar put the (!) behind the word 'manager' - is it just me? I don't know. It was just a feeling. Ah, well.

I came home, made dinner and sat down to finally finish "Burnt Offerings" - an Anita Blake novel. I love these books. They totally absorb you. I have one more, "Blue Moon." It's the last one published, so far. I haven't decided if I'm going to jump on it or save it like dessert for some other day. We'll see.

I did, however, also manage to clean out my dresser drawers. The result: 5 of 6 drawers completely empty, several "lost" things found and two bags of clothing for Lisa. *smile* Tomorrow, I suppose, I should work on the bottom of my closet, which is full of tossed clothing. I'm sure there will be tons of clothing for Lisa from there. So... do I go visit her tomorrow, dropping off the clothing or do I stay home and clean?

Who knows. It depends on how I feel.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: From Melt:
Singing my favorite song, on the radio...
Dancing together, sensual and slow.
Little things, seen, touched and felt....
These are the things that make my heart melt.

Wednesday. Got my last shipment from Amazon for a while. It was all music - an eclectic assortment: First, "Rituals of Transformation" which is a mixture of Gregorian chants, Mozart's Requiem and Tibetian ritual music (which I didn't really like all that much). Then, Adiemus and finally, Taiko Drums. Yes, I like an odd variety of music.

I found the Gregorian Chants especially soothing as I napped in my chair. Seems I am coming down with something - again (d*mmit!). I have a tickle in the back of my throat and a slight cough. I've been desperately trying to ward it off with vitamins and megadoses of C and water. I don't think I'm succeeding. We'll see.

It seems that Akien has a plan for me in the grand scheme of things. First, classes on programming and QA Partner, then personal tutoring and then, possibly moving me to be doing what Diana is doing - making me the "Answer Gal." Actually, I rather like this idea. I like that Akien has a plan for me and that it will be doing something very valuable to the company. I think I will make it for at least a year.

(Of course, I'm sure I will be eating those words as I bitch and curse over various work related things. But, at least, I have a future.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: It's nice to fly with the eagles, but a weasel doesn't get sucked into airplane engines.

Thursday. I seem to be loosing the battle with staying healthy. *sigh* Missed yesterday cause of it and today, too. Hacking cough, sinusitus and sore throat. I've only been well for the last 3-4 weeks.

So, I'm pumping my system full of vitamins and extra vitamin C and all the water I can handle. *sigh* I feel a little bit better than yesterday. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I'm really getting sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Friday. I'm feeling better. My sore throat has become sinusitus - something I can live with. I still have some chest congestion. Hacking up a lung is pretty unpleasant.

I made it to work today. I don't feel like working but I know I need to get some things solved. Crunchtime is here and I feel like I'm reinventing the wheel. Yes, I actually told Akien this in my status report to him. We'll see what he has to say about it. I really, really want to get this project done and behind me.

Also, I hope, when start moving cubes around, I get moved closer to the QA Tools group. Right now, I feel like I'm out in Siberia. I've been spending a lot of time walking back and forth from the Systems group to the QA group. Ah me... the lone black sheep. Not a part of the Systems group anymore but too far from the QA group to really feel like I'm a part of it, yet.

I must be feeling maudlin. I'll get over it.

Sorry I don't have much to say. My energy is sapped by this cold.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: [This spot for Rent.]

Saturday. You know, I've been thinking. My perfect job would be to organize people's lives for them. Lately, people have been saying:

"I have too many writing projects. They are bunching up on me. I forget the good ideas."

Or

"I need help with my bills! I never know how much money I have or how I can save money."

Or

"How am I going to get (Project #1) and (Project #2) and (Project #3) done by next Friday?

Then, I say, "Why don't you do this? (Insert good organizational idea here.) That's what I do when that happens." And the response usually is, "Wow! That's a great idea!" And then they go on. Sometimes using my idea. Sometimes not. I was talking to Johanna about making it a career. She told me that it was good work, if you could get it but frustrating because that sort of thing is aimed at rich 'fritterheads' who have more money than sense and that dealing with them needed a special type of elegant patience.

Ah well... maybe someday when I don't need to really worry about money, that's the sort thing that I would like to do. There is certain satisfaction in organization chaos into something workable.

"I shouldn't do that until my car is paid off."

Or

"Wow. That would be nice, but, I'm being good, so I can get out of debt sooner."

It's becoming an all consuming passion. The rest of my life is on hold. But, I wonder if this is the right approach to this. Am I being too obsessive? Should I continue to live as I'm paying off the debt, knowing that it may drag it out a little longer?

Or, do I bite the bullet even harder and crack down on all spending to pay it off sooner? The conservative part of me is screaming, "Yes! Yes! Bite the bullet!" And the hedonistic side is murmuring seductively, "Live a little, hon. What could it hurt?"

I don't know what I'll do until I do it.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Sometimes, Amoret, you just have to swallow."

Sunday. Yesterday was a nice, slow, lowpaced day of window shopping with Greg and David. In one store, the guy there was deaf. It was kinda neat to attempt to talk to him in sign language. Of course, I forgot 90% of what I had learned in class but, still, it was neat and he seemed pleased that we tried.

After that, back to Elysium so they could inflict the Japanese Animation: "Bastard!" on me. Actually, it was pretty amusing. It made fun of the heros who never die, dark heros, evil bad guys, obligatory nekkid chick shots, obligatory tentacle shot and obligatory incredible spells of destruction - not to mention the fact that the characters kept mentioning how the most handsome heros can't die.

The cold is still in full swing but it is liveable. I'm hoping that by Monday, it will have completely died off. That's the wonderful thing about hope - it's always there, waiting for you.

Speaking of hope - paid bills today. I cut my credit card bill in half! *yeah* Next month (April), I'll do it again and then the following month (May), I *should* pay that card off! And then, never to do that again!!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "There's nothin' to it, if you don't gotta do it!" -- Eddie Underwood

Monday. I have finally started writing again. I'm working on a series of vinettes about Lady Elizabeth Bannister and her relationship to Celik. It is a complicated storyline. The first set is about Elizabeth before she is embraced, called: "Reflections of Humanity." The second set of vinettes is called, "Reflections of Immortality." And are about Elizabeth dealing with Celik and kindred society after she's been embraced.

Also, I've decided that since I've got so much to write about Lady Elizabeth (3 stories and 12 vinettes) that she is going to get her own character page, linked off of my Alter Egos page once it is done. It's not up yet, but I think I will give you guys, my readers, (all 5 or 6 of you) a sneak peak into the page once it is up but before I link it to the Alter Egos page.

Last night, as I came home from Rob/Lisa's house, I was struck by the scent of the flowers blooming outside my house. For some reason, I can never smell them in the day, but at night, their scent is in every breath. I wonder why that is. It just made me stop and think for a moment, wondering if I am rushing by my life too fast. Am I only living for a future that will never come?

That reminds me. Greg and David had me listen to "Bill Hicks' Rant in E Minor" over the weekend. It was his last live performance because, as he told the audience, he was given a TV show. Only now, we all know that was a lie. Bill Hicks was dying of cancer and did not want to tell anyone. He did not want anyone to coddle him or treat him any differently.

Though, as I remember his rants... I especially remember his rant about living for today rather than for a future that never comes. Most of the time, I dislike ranting comedians. Bill Hicks is especially vehemently angry, it seems. But as I listen to his rant in my head, all I can think is that this man *knew* he was dying as he ranted on about living for today. It makes me sad. For some reason, I feel like I can look beyond all of the anger in his words and see the pain in his heart of knowing that he was dying. I can't imagine the fear and frustration he was going through. He was trying to impart a desperate message to anyone who was listening. And only now that he is dead, do we understand the true impact of his words.

Of course, Bill Hicks is turning over in his grave at my thoughts about him. I can almost hear him muttering heatedly, "You FUCKING moron!"

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Stupidity should be painful." - Bumpersticker I saw today.

Tuesday. I was intriguingly ambivalent about work yesterday. When I talked to Sundar about getting another (censored)* in my computer, since he had taken mine while I was out sick, I was told that I really did not have a need for a personal (censored) in my computer. (Censored) are a rare commodity these days and couldn't I just go to the lab and used the (censored) there? Well, poo. Sees where I rate now that I'm in another department.

Then, I talked to Diana about my tests and some of the problems I am having. Turns out, she and the bossman talked and it seems that I am going to have to rework them completely. OK. Whatever. I can do that. No more QA Partner? You want me to do it all in a batch file that is called by a QAP script? Fine. No biggie. Then, in an amazing split second decision, the bossman decided which of his people were going to take over my job once the POC is finished. Ta-Da! Diana will. So, Diana is Alpha bitch now (and I mean that in the nicest way. Diana is a great gal) and as I told her, "Tell me what you want and I will do it." I'm going to make all my tests as easy for her to assimilate in the end as possible. Effectively, after POC, Diana and I will be switching jobs. Cool beans.

Speaking of POC, I received the following in an email from one of the Admins...

"You have been selected to receive a POC Achievement Plaque during our POC Party being held..."

P'nuck? This must be a company wide or, at least, department wide deal. I, personally, haven't done anything on the POC, except make suggestions for QAing it. For the briefest instant, I had an overwhelming sense of guilt for receiving this plaque when I feel that I haven't done a whole lot to deserve it. Then I realized that it must be a team award and I -am- part of the team. So, I stopped feeling guilty.

Still writing lots... but I got stuck on a minor detail. I was describing Elizabeth at a party in 1728 and I wanted to describe her gown in a historically accurate manner. Easier said than done. You wouldn't think that finding Royal (or high bred) fashions of 1725-1730 would be so darned difficult. I finally had to look under Art History for 18th Century art. It didn't help as much as I had hoped but it was better than nothing. After 2 hours of looking on the web, I finally just modeled the dress off of this picture. Geez, the things we do for our art.

In any case, as promised... *drumroll* The first four (of six) vinettes dealing with Lady Elizabeth! Hope you enjoy!

• Thoughts of Light: Elizabeth first meets Celik. Elizabeth discovers what happens when she displeases the Master.
  
• Dreams of Night: Elizabeth's first experience at a Toreador party. Elizabeth meets a dark angel of Celik's past.

By the way, Michael, my Keirsey scores are:

Wednesday. Closed my MBNA account yesterday. It was a *lot* easier than the time I had to deal with Wachovia bank. MBNA is a decent company to get a loan through. I would recommend working with them - unlike the aforementioned bank.

And now to open up a HUGE can of worms.

Today's "Abstract Thoughts" discourse is on Darwinism vs. Technology and the Nature of Evolution.

"What?" You say, wondering where this thought came from. Like usual, it's come from a number of conversations over the past couple of days and the thought has been fermenting in my mind.

First, there was the discussion among a group of friends about whether or not Spring was here. One friend, MikeB was adamant that Spring was not here, yet. His reasoning, "I always know when it's Spring. My skin tingles, everything seems clearer and brighter. And I can smell a woman's scent and her perfume from across the room. No. It's not Spring just, yet. I don't have that rutting feeling."

Second, was a discussion with Patrick about my niece, Emily recovering from cancer. I discovered that he and several members of his family had (and recovered from) cancer, too.

That brought me to thinking about genetic make-ups and such. (Now, mind you, I do not necessarily believe all that I'm going to say here. I'm just pointing out different thoughts on the subject.) Let us disregard the emotional for now and go on a purely logical thought-line.

Man is, in essence, a beast. He is a product of nature and subject to natural instincts just like every other animal. (Re: MikeB and Spring) Therefore, he is subject to Darwinism - the strongest survive and the weak die off. Enter, modern day technology. Suddenly, against nature, we are making sure that the weak survive, too. For example, Patrick's family has a history of cancer. Let's say that his great grandfather died of that cancer before breeding. Many of Patrick's family would not have existed and could not have been able to past on the 'inferior' genetic material, thus culling it from the gene pool. (This, in NO way slams Patrick or his family. It is an example.) However, he did survive, as has the rest of his family.

Also, my own family does not have a history of cancer, but Emily got it before the age of one. Recessive genes. In nature, she would be dead now, but thanks to modern technology, Emily is alive and she now can possibly pass on the 'inferior' gene make-up that is predisposed to cancer.

OK... let's throw in another variable into this already boiling pot... The definition of the word: Strong. Strong used to mean physical strength. Now, this means physical strength, mental strength and even emotional strength. The Mental and Emotional are much more valued these days. With technology and computers and all the labor saving devices, we need the mental giants to continue to produce for us.

Yet, we will always have a need for the physically strong to do the jobs that machines and computers cannot do. And we will always need (if we are smart) people who *know* how to do the physical jobs of growing food, building houses, making clothing, etc...

Mixing all of this together, I see a great schism growing within our race. The very small number of people who can physically build things, the very small number of people who know how computer/technology works, and the vast majority of the population who are consumers, middlemen - unable/unwilling to produce in the technological arena and unable/unwilling to produce in the physical arena. People who will be solely dependant upon the two much smaller groups.

It is a scary thought. Are we evolving into the haves and have-nots?

But, wait... There's another variable to toss into all of this... Human emotion. Oh, there's a can of worms. Human emotion is part nature and part nurture. It is natural to do everything in your power to protect your young, even if they have 'inferior' genes. It is nurture that makes a person accustom to a certain way of life.

This all makes my head spin. I feel like we are on a roller-coaster to destroying our race or at least making it very, very difficult for a time. Yet, I see no way to stop it. I am a computer geek. I am working in a revolutionary field with all of my co-workers who are so smart it is scary. I am becoming one of the elite technology people? I am one already? Have we already created the world I described?

Take a ride on the BART train from Fremont to San Francisco sometime. You will see the richest neighborhoods crammed up against the poorest slums. The dichotomy is startling. It's just something to thing about.

This "Can O'Worms"(tm) discourse brought to you by the numbers 2 and 5 and the letter Q.

(Future Can O'Worms(tm) discourses will include: "Quality of Life," "The Right to Suicide," and "Population control." *grin* Someday. Just not today.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Love my opposable thumbs!