The Attraction of Discomfort
The third volume of the Edge of Propinquity has been published. This is a really good issue with two guest authors in addition to the usual foursome of authors. I'm really quite pleased with it. Now, all I need is a couple of places to review it. That would be nice.
Wiggling a sore tooth. Reading a horror novel. Watching a suspenseful movie. Pausing to watch disaster information on the news. Playing a scary video game with the lights off. We torment ourselves every day with uncomfortable actions. Things that make us shudder and squirm. Things that make us turn away then peek between fingers at scenes of horror and pain. We daydream of ourselves in such unenviable positions and what we think we would do if we had the chance.
I've been thinking about this on and off for a few weeks now, wondering why we are attracted to uncomfortable things. Why do we keep wiggling a sore tooth or picking at a scab even though it hurts. Why do we go back to horror authors again and again? I guess I started questioning this while reading Stephen King's newest novel, Cell. More than once, I would read, shudder, wince, and declare, "That is so fucked up!" Then, I would dive back into the book.
I've mentioned both physical and mental discomfort. Usually, I would separate them when examining why. However, for me at least, the reason is the same whether is a small physical pain or a mental one: I want the contrast of sensation in both senses.
I think this is why most people do it: the contrast of pain and not pain in a controlled fashion. It is stimulating. It wakes us up and shakes us out of our warm cocoons of safe, familiar security. Constant security is dull. I crave new and different stimulus on a regular basis. If that means I watch a really scary movie that makes me paranoid for a couple of days, so be it. It makes me feel alive. It breaks me out of the wake up - work - write - sleep - rinse - lather - repeat routine I sometimes get myself into. I don't like feeling like I'm drifting through life.
So, I try to live it vicariously through as many different mediums I can. I think this is what most people do. It suddenly makes me understand the popularity of "stupid comedy" and that is something I never expected to understand. Stupid comedy puts people in extremely uncomfortable social situations where they often do the worst thing possible. I'm too logical and careful for most of the situational comedies I dislike but now I get it.
*twitch* Who would have thought me pondering why we like to put ourselves in uncomfortable places physically and mentally would suddenly make me understand a huge portion of popular culture that I've never understood. Neat!
Most days, around lunchtime, I take a two mile walk from EED to Houghton Park. It's a good walk with some hills and lots to see. I've thought about my top sights that I see on my walk.
The Retired Mafia Don - I have no idea if this guy is a retired mafia don or not but he sure looks like it. He has European features, thick white hair, always wears sunglasses and is almost always on the phone when I see him walking. I have decided he is retired and has a Trophy Wife/Girlfriend whom is definitely younger and pretty. I just started seeing the Trophy SO recently but I see him walking all the time.
The Grey Cottage - There is a marvelous grey cottage with a gabled roof on Lake Washington Blvd that I would love to own. It has a big yard, a lovely view and large picture windows. It is very open and pretty.
The Cow 54 Car - There is an old guy who has painted his PT Cruiser to look like a cow, complete with an udder license plate holder. The license plate is COW 54. It makes me grin every time I see it. Plus, he waves at me when I smile.
The Damn Big Yacht - I work in the Yarrow Bay area of Kirkland. Ritzy, expensive with lots of toys including yacht clubs. On my walk, I go by several docks. One of them has a damn big yacht. I have no concept of how expensive this thing is. It looks like it has three levels to it. I've seen it shift spots, so I know someone is enjoying it.
The Iron Boy in the Jacket at Houghton Park - At Houghton Park, there is a metal sculpture called "The Laughter of Children." It is two sitting girls and one standing boy. It's a generic happy sculpture. However, someone has put a fleece coat on the standing boy in his size. There is something about this that really makes me smile.
The Pier at Houghton Park - Houghton Park is a touch over one from my work. It is my turn around point. However, it also has a lovely pier out to Lake Washington. I adore the lake and this pier. Often, I will walk out onto the pier and stand there for a couple of minutes enjoying the lake, the birds and the clouds.
The Occasional Bald Eagle - Kirkland has an abundance of wildlife. It's one of the reasons I like it. Occasionally, I get to see a bald eagle fly by. This is very cool for me. I usually almost end up walking into something while I'm watching this beautiful bird. Other birds I get to see include ducks, herons and red tail hawks.
Some other time, I'll to talk about the random and weird stories I make up as I walk.
Many people have genetic problems. Things they did not contract but manifested. People deal with these conditions every day. Is it a litany of woes? Maybe. Maybe not. I tend to think of these things - when I do actually think of them - as challenges overcome or accomplishments. People tell me I'm so well put together. So with it. I smile and thank them. Most of the time, I don't think about what I've overcome or deal with everyday.
I have scoliosis. It is curvature of the spine. More than I should have. It's a mild case. I've had it all my life. I used to do exercises for my back to retard the curvature. These days, I don't do them because I never remember. The only time I do is when my hip gets out of whack and starts popping as I walk. Or, I've been sitting funny and part of my back goes to sleep.
I had a lisp and a stutter. I spent three years in speech therapy to help me speak normally or relatively normally. I still have a slight lisp. (Hell of a word there.) I hardly ever stutter anymore. It only seems to kick in when I'm really tired. If I run into a word that gives me trouble these days, I will attempt to say it 2-3 times, then simply say, "That word I can't say." Sometimes, a person will say the word for me and I will ask them to say it again so I can repeat it.
I have a mild form of autism. This manifests in three main ways. First, I can't deal with loud sounds very well. They occasionally provoke a flight of fight reflex. This includes raised voices. It's worse if it is directed at me. Flight is the dominant response of the two.
Second, I rock. I will sit in my chair and rock back and forth or side to side. Most of the time, I don't notice the rocking. Rocking can mean any number of things. One friend noted, "You only rock when you are tired, hungry or upset." I think I can add one more time - when I'm concentrating very hard on something - a conversation, the computer, the TV. I have rocked for as long as I can remember. I used to rock myself to sleep; lying on my side, rocking forward and back on the pivot point of my side. I'm not the only one in my family to do so. I know both my older sister and twin brother used to rock themselves to sleep as well.
Third, I occasionally, though rarely, disappear inside myself to the exclusion of all else. Fortunately, this third thing only happens when I am very comfortable and feel safe. It does happen outside the home but not often. I liken it to wide awake dreaming. I will think about something so hard that all outside stimulus becomes incorporated into my waking dream. My eyes are open but unseeing. A siren becomes a bird call in my thoughts. Someone talking to me becomes a bee buzzing. My name called will become a flower talking to me. I have lost hours to these waking dreams and frightened roommates with their inability to get me to respond to them. Most times, though, all it takes is a touch to bring me back to reality.
All of these things are genetic and part of me. Kind of like my nearsightedness and like my bad eyesight, I just deal with them. I don't have a choice in the matter. I suppose I could pity myself but that would get old quickly. It's funny. I haven't thought of this in a while. I'm not sure why I'm thinking of it now. I suppose because it is a good thing to take stock every once in a while. Nice to pat myself on the back and say, "Good job, girl. Keep it up and don't let the bastards (conditions) get you down."
This email from March 8th is not a surprise. I knew when Jake died, Bart would not be far behind. It still makes me cry.
Subject: Sad News
Hi guys -
Bart died yesterday. His little body was shutting down. He tried to urinate for 20 minutes yesterday evening and couldn't. He would try, take a few steps and try again and he must have been in pain because he cried each time he tried. As you know, he was 99% blind, 99% deaf and his nose wasn't working well either. He was down to 12 pounds (14 at his last weigh in). So, Dad and I made the decision to put him to sleep. He did NOT suffer - no distress like Jake had and little pain. He was peaceful in my arms. When the vet gave him the injection he was gone in less than 15 seconds. He didn't struggle at all. We should all be so fortunate to pass so easily.
He - and Jake - were such a big part of our daily lives that this is going to leave a huge hole. So much of what we did revolved around them and their needs. Especially for me since we've been in NC. It's going to be a hard adjustment for us.
Anyway, we don't plan on any more dogs - or pets of any kind. The birds in our back yard will have to do! I can't do this again. Our thanks to Shannon for not asking - and just doing. For coming over to talk and making Daddy eat. It helped.
We love you lots.
Mom & Dad
Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Pentacles
