MARCH 2005

The Big D Word
I've realized that I've hit a really bad depressive cycle. I realized it last week Friday after the second morning of waking up from violent and unhappy dreams on my way to work while I was listing my litany of woes and unhappiness...

... I don't want to go to work because I hate automation work and I don't like the fact that I'm losing Patrick as a boss... I don't want to go out to the movies with Will and Cyn because the movie will probably suck... I don't want to go to Crimson Dawn because I'm tired of thinking for everyone and I'm sure this is going to be one big combat-fest where Ximena has her ass handed to her yet again... I don't want to go to the Norwescon thing on Sunday because I'll be tired, it takes all day and I'm not smart enough to do it...

Somewhere in there, my little inner watchdog went, "Hey... These are some of your favorite things. Why are you so unhappy about them? Oh, wait a second. You don't want to go to things you love. You are exaggerating problems, you're always tired lately and you are beating yourself up over stupid things. Lass, you're depressed!"

Well, shit. Maybe I am. Crap. I haven't been depressed like this since about 2000. Ok. I know what I need to do to deal with it. Exercise more. Hell, just exercise. Eat better. Get to sleep at a decent hour. Eat spicy foods. Go out and be with people anyway. You'll feel better. So far, it's working. I really enjoyed Constantine with Will and Cyn. I had a really good time at Crimson Dawn. I wasn't stupid at the Norwescon training. Just super tired and kind of bitchy. Though, I tried to keep a hold on my tongue.

So, I know enough to know that something is up. I even know how to treat most of the symptoms naturally - exercise, diet, sleep and patience. But, I don't know the cause of the sudden emotional drop. I know it is not just the post convention blues. I know I should be looking for and treating the causes of this instead of just dealing with the symptoms.

In the meantime, I realize I'm a lot more impatient, snappy and generally bitchy than I should be. I'm really trying to keep a handle on it. It feels like I'm constantly in that 10-15 minutes after I've received bad news. I have to stop and breathe before answering anyone on anything so I don't undeservedly bite anyone's head off. I think part of the frustration is not having a specific thing/person/place/enemy/etc to point at and blame for how I'm feeling right now.

So, that's the current state of Jennifer. Depressed. Knows it. Working on it.

I'm looking at some of my writing projects. I've got my Kendrick series that is a lot more organized now. I really should start actually writing on these stories now. I think I have most of the research for them done. I just have to figure out how I'm going to design the town. I'm still looking for a tool to do the designing.

Next up is Grants Pass. I've just accepted my fourth story for it and spoken to two named authors who will give me an answer on whether or not they will write for me by the end of March. I still have some editing to do on the final story of the anthology but there is progress on it and that makes me really happy. I'm hoping that some of the other people who said they would write for it will do so. *cough*RoryJimStacySeanDavid*cough*

Of course, there are my two languishing projects: Gosstiny and Regresser's Evolution. I swear. If I could just have some concentrated time off, away from everyone and everything, RE would be finally finished and the Gosstiny universe would be a hell of a lot more fleshed out. But, as I don't and won't have that time off, I need to find a better way to get working on these. Or, perhaps, these two will just be my forever projects. They will be something to think about when I'm not working on something for Sovereign Press, my anthology or Kendrick.

Speaking of Grants Pass, boy did I just get a fun email about it... I can't really tell if this guy is looking to impress me with a story idea or what. You be the judge.

Date: Tue, 1 Mar 2005 08:40:02 -0800
From: adam [CENSORED] (Because I'm being nice)
To: skitten@skitten.best.vwh.net
Subject: Contacting_Jennifer_Brozek Grants Pass Anthology project.

I thought about what you said in your Grants Pass Anthology project.

I think doing things in groups is a good idea.
have you thought of meeting on the radio?
much easier than going somewhere till you know what is going on.
I plan on using 6.955Mhz on the first of the month at sunrise and sunset.
this is the favorite pirate radio station frequency, that is why I pick it.
I have seeds for about 80 types of food, I know how to rebuild a city, make steel plants, water treatment plants, roads, alcohol from corn and how to get a car to run on it, ect...
I am prepared for just about anything, and know know things need to be done in groups, so I am looking for others, but I have been to Grants Pass and think it would be a bad place to go under any conditions, although it is good looking, have you met all the retired people there ?
so, find me on the radio, there is almost always a ham radio guy that is prepared for a power outage.

are you single? I think you are cute.
Adam

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords, Inverted

Random
I went to both of my LARPs in the past week or so and had a really good time at both.

In Crimson Dawn, Ximena got to go on a treasure hunt while in Kiev and she got that damn obelisk back. I have been assured that that plotline is moving to a point where Ximena no longer has to be completely focused on it. For which I am thankful. 10 months is a long time for the character to be obsessed with a single hunk of rock. If she hasn't been looking for it, she's been studying it. It's been stolen twice now. She's very close to opening the bloody thing. I hope that resolves things one way or another. I've already picked out my next character for the game should this obelisk thing make Ximena unplayable.

In Heirs 2.0, Rowen has somehow become everyone's favorite. I'm guessing that's because she's a straight shooter and willing help. Plus, she doesn't ask all those annoying questions. Frankly, she really doesn't care about the political details. As long as her books are safe, she's good. Of course, this does seem to have those around her with an interest in protecting her a bit nervous. More fun for me to be oblivious. I am trying very hard not to throw myself into anything too political.

General status check: Still employed. Still single. Car is still running. Still slightly depressed. Got my taxes in and getting a very nice refund. Allergy season has hit hard. However, I also have a really, really nasty cold that has me stuffed up and a sore throat. Work is moving right along. I am not doing too badly on the changes and the automation is almost done. I like that. New Moon tonight. Minor drama with friends that seems to have worked itself out, thank goodness. I'm currently watching Millennium, season 2 and that is a truly screwy show. It creeps me out and makes me think "What if...?"

I just found out that my seven year old niece fell off her play set and broke both of her arms. It seems she has inherited my title of Miss Calamity Jane of the family. She will be fine and she's in good spirits. Nice to know. I remember when I was young and immortal. Just imagining what I would have to do if I broke both of my forearms makes me wince. I should write her a get well letter. I bet she would be thrilled to get something from Auntie Jenn in the mail.

I had a doctor's appointment today to get another fill for my lapband. I now have 2.5cc of saline in the band that has a max capacity of 4.0cc. Doc Watkins tells that that is a very aggressive fill. The hole in my band between the stoma and stomach is now about the diameter of an average pen. He tells me that this should really affect things. I hope so. Though, not too much. I would hate to have too hard of a time eating.

Woot! I have good news on the writing front. I will know more soon. I am certain a new project will be eating my brain very quickly.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Swords

Dreamlines... Realities Within
Ever since I was little I have had extremely vivid dreams. Most of the time, I can remember them. Sometimes, I cannot forget them. I dream both in color and in black and white. Occasionally, I have had the pleasure of lucid dreaming - realizing that I am currently dreaming and can affect my dream, making it things that I want to occur happen. Once or twice, a dream has been so real that after I woke up, it took me a few moments to figure out if I was still dreaming or if I was actually awake this time.

I love to dream. It is a favorite luxury of mine. If I can sleep in, I often let the alarm go off and hit the snooze button so that I can wake up during a dream to remember it. Many times, I can go back to sleep, right back into the dream I had just had to continue it. It is times like that when I can continue a dream or I have a series of dreams that are a continuing story that I wonder what dreams really are. Are they figments of the subconscious? Are they merely random electrons flitting through my mind? Or, are they something more? Something that we cannot yet comprehend?

I have come to realize that certain places or people that reoccur in my dreams often represent a specific archetypical concept. It was not until Monte started showing up in my dreams that I realized this. Monte often represents the concept of survival. Yony often represents hedonistic desire. Johanna often represents emotional need. Ben often represents a doorway into creative fantasy or a change in how I am supposed to think. Rory often represents creative distraction. One of the common locations I dream of is a college campus that is an amalgamation of my college campus, my high school and a healthy dose of wishful thinking. I believe when I dream of the college campus, it often represents me learning something.

Along with archetypical concepts, I have a tendency to have a certain series of themes to my dreams. I do not really understand the themes yet. I just know that I have them. Very early in my dream journaling, I had the theme of Alien Invasions where an alien race was invading my home and I was part of the rebellion. Another dream theme is the fact that I either dream of my RPG characters or I dream -in character- as my character. A dream within a dream. Fascinating to me that my characters can become so real that they dream as well. A fun dream theme I have is dreaming in Joss Whedon's Buffyverse. It is clear that his stories of Slayer and that story universe have really sunk into my subconscious. I think my most favorite dream theme is the one I call Epic Stories. These are a series of dreams that have an 'epic' feel to them. As if they could easily be turned into long stories or great movies. These are the dreams that stay with me for years after I have reluctantly awoken from them.

I have been keeping a dream journal in electronic format for almost ten years now. Somewhere along the way, I became dissatisfied with this. I had not realized it. It was not until my eyes rested on the large handmade leather-bound tome that I suddenly knew what I wanted to do. Almost needed to do. Though I live much of my life in my head, I cannot live inside my dreams. Nor may I bring them into this reality. They are ephemeral, exquisite and elusive. What I can do is create a representation of them, and all of my dreams - dreamt of or merely imagined, in the form of the handwritten word.

Perhaps, it is a silly and fanciful project of mine. Perhaps, not. Whatever else it may be, it is mine to create, share and enjoy. I live worlds inside my head. This is one more way to show them to those who may be interested.

There are days when I wonder if I am not just part of someone's dream. If so, may they remember me when they awaken from their slumber.

Recent dreamage - Exploring Campus: This is one of those incredibly cool dreams that I don't like waking up from except to remember them. I am on my dream college campus, playing a long running LARP. While people are after my character, I explore the buildings on campus and enjoy the architecture immensely. Along the way, I have the rare chance to see what the original campus looked like. Guest appearances by Ben and Rory.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Swords, Inverted

Norwescon
What a convention. This was not the same convention I visited 15 years ago, that much is certain. Though, some of the people stayed the same and many people recognized me. Unfortunately, I didn't always recognize them. That's alright. People were friendly and so was I.

I volunteered on IT staff with Rory and did some volunteering at Registration as well since I was there. I must admit, volunteering for IT is extremely stressful and something happened on every one of my shifts. Fortunately, I was able to fix or create workarounds for each incident. I'm not sure I want to volunteer for IT next year. The whole setting up and tearing down pretty much sucked. Not anyone's fault. It's just the nature of the job. However, I know I will be volunteering. I liked registration. That was fun.

The writing panels I went to were interesting but I did not learn anything new. They were, on the good side, excellent for networking. I have one author very interested in Grants Pass and, if I can't get a big publisher to pick up Grants Pass, I found an excellent small publisher to do a small run of it. Grants Pass will be published somehow, someway! I also did get a very odd rejection from one of the author guests of honor when I asked if he would be interested in seeing a proposal for Grants Pass. He said, "No. I'm not. I've already had a vasectomy. I'm not interested in the end of the world." I'm still not sure what he meant by that. Maybe it's a guy thing?

I spent an obscene amount of money at Norwescon. My largest purchase was a new underbust corset. I was able to get one off the rack! I was so happy and it really finished off and complimented the gothic lady costume I had made. I have never had someone chase me down in the halls before just to get a picture of me before. Nor have I ever had people ambush me in bathrooms asking me all about the costume. I even had a rather odd woman question me about it when I went out to Denny's with Mark and Ben. I looked hot! Ximena now has a new outfit to wear.

Heh. Conventions are excellent for the ego, too. I had so many passes made at me I didn't know how to respond. Sunday night, one of the guys from Xcentricity who made my new corset flirted with me and teased me unmercifully! Yes, yes. I loved it. My only problem was that I did not know how to politely deflect the passes from those people who are not strangers but were not really friends either. I had some of that going on. Ah, well. The worst pick up line I got over the weekend was from a drunk guy at the Shockwave party. "The dance floor is sticky..." I think it was his explanation on why he was trying to dance so close to me.

Friday night, I hung out with Ben and Mark and got extremely tipsy. I wasn't falling down drunk. I was, however, very giggly and I remember saying, "Oh, hello" when the world would bobble a bit. We went to Aftershock (which was kind of lame) and to the Biohazard party (which was pretty awesome). Lots of good talking, drinking and the like.

I, however, am a freaking lightweight when it comes to drinking these days. I had a raging hangover for most of Saturday. To the point that I had to leave Alan Dean Foster's "The World in 30 years" - a video travelogue of his travels around the world over the past 30 years - because the moving video footage was making me motion sick. I went back to bed for another hour or so. After that, I felt much better. Plus, Rory insisted that I get some food in my tummy before I went on duty for my IT shift.

I managed to get through almost all of the convention without hurting myself until Sunday afternoon during the final Registration tear down. Somehow, as I was moving around the table to pull apart one of the computers, I tripped over a box, then over the sand bucket holding up one of the Registration signs and slammed both of my knees into the ground. Primarily, I slammed my weak left knee. It was a spectacular crash as someone else had to grab the sign before it smacked me in the head. A bunch of people ran over and I was stunned. Not wanting to make a scene, I kept telling everyone I was fine. Really, just fine. No... no, I wasn't. Jeff made me sit down and ice my knee. Fortunately, my hair is long enough to hide my face while I cried from the pain, shock and embarrassment. I was sent home early. It kind of sucked.

However, barring that little mishap, I had a really good time at the convention and I learned something very important. After listening to Greg Cox speak about being a TOR stable author, I really, really do not want to make my living in writing. At least, not like that. The idea of being required to write an entire novel from start to finish, including edits, in 30 days, gives me the hives. I never want to have to take that kind of contract in order be able to eat. I want writing to continue being fun for me. I'm a regular contributor for Sovereign Press now. I've got my various books and short stories. I would be happy to have that as a main focus but I do not want to have to depend on it.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords