March 2000

Nagging & Surprises

What a nice surprise. I got a package in the mail from Denver yesterday and couldn't figure out, for the life of me, who it was from. Well, apparently, when I ordered The Matrix on PPV, they had a special going - order The Matrix and receive a free pair of official "Matrix" sunglasses. Whoa! Oh, cool! I now have a reason to wear my contacts more often. (Of course, I don't look nearly as cool in them, but oh, well.)

You know, I think one of my perfect jobs involves being a professional nag. I'm really good at it. I remember things well, have a sense of propriety about getting things done and following through. I remember appointments, am detail oriented, answer emails and poke people to respond to this and that.

*hrm* Sounds like a secretary or a mom.

There was one time that I was talking with Laurel, and maybe Johanna, about being a professional organizer for rich fritter-heads who have more money than brains. A person who walks, shows the client just what to do to make their oh-SO-stressful life easier and more managible, sets up the beginning and then walks away - only to be called back 2-6 months later when the client just can't keep up with the organization.

It's definitely the kind of job I could do if I could stand to put up with the rich fritter-heads... er... clients.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Magician, Reversed

Common Courtesy

I've been wondering. Has common courtesy gone out of style? When did being polite become passé? Why are people so mean and brusque with each other?

I don't know about anyone else, but I hate it when people are rude to me. I dislike it when I do a lot of hard work for someone and I don't get a compliment on the work - much less forget to say thank you.

There are two rules of common courtesy that I always try to follow. To say "please" and "thank you."

Say "Please." To me, saying "Please" is an important etiquette thing. It's polite. It's nice. It tells the person that you do not consider them inferior or below you. It implies a sense of respect whether it is meant or not... Though, most people who use the word "please" generally mean it as they say it.

Say "Thank you." To me, saying "Thank you" is even more important that saying "Please." It acknowledges a person and the work that they have done for you. It tells a person that you are paying attention. That you have noticed the effort. That you appreciate it and them.

Nothing will turn a person away faster than feeling unappreciated or taken advantage of.

So, please remember to say "Please" and "Thank you." You will get better results and make your friends, family, co-workers and public servants feel appreciated. Thank you.

Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Wands

So, I'm Not Perfect

OK. So, I'm not perfect. I can't spell. I 'fixed' yesterday's entry four times before I got it right. Thanks to Johanna and Michael for pointing out to me that I spelled 'courtesy' wrong - even if one of them also told me how to spell it wrong, too.

Got my hair and waxing done yesterday. It's nice to be pampered. It's also nice to have a hairdresser I trust. I looked at Michelle and said, "Just do something with it. Anything. I don't care."

Michelle smiled, "Anything?"

I hrmmed. "OK. Not anything. Something that is easy to fix in the morning and isn't too outrageous."

She smiled. "OK."

I wondered if she was going to cut my hair -really- short, like my Mom's. Mom has been telling me I should cut my hair that short for ages and I've been resisting. Fortunately, Michelle wasn't in that radical of a mood. She just gave me a chin length bob that's a little longer in the front than the sides. It's nice and looks like it will be easy to care for. Also, my hair is starting to grow out nicely. Another 4-6 months and I should have all natural hair again. Won't that be unusual.

I've gotten some comments on my redesign and about how it can be a bit hard to navigate the full month of entries. So, I'll be doing another redesign soon.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Swords, Reversed

We Filed Our S-1!

On the work front, yesterday was a day of ups and downs. The servers were down most of the day, messing with the day's productivity. However, on the up side... my company filed their S-1!!! Yeah! This means we are on our way to an IPO! Which also means, my stock is going to be looking very, very good. Ah, vesting in Silicon Valley Lottery Tickets. You can't dream unless you play.

So, in celebration of this momentous occasion, I did a completely yuppie thing. On the drive home, in rush hour traffic, doing about 20 mph, I pulled out my cell phone, called my dad and gave him the good news. Ahhh, yes... talking on a cell phone about an IPO in rush hour traffic. What a geeky, yuppie thing to do.

Yesterday was also my Mom's birthday. So, I gave her a call at work and wished her a good one. She's 54. Only 2 weeks left for her at the lab. She's pretty excited about retiring, then going vacation, then becoming Emmy and Mandy's 'official' babysitter. She knows it is not going to be a bed of roses but it is something that she really wants to do.

Mom can't wait to join a couple of "Mommy" clubs, to take the kids to the park or to the library and all that sort of thing that Grammy/babysitters do. On top of it, she's getting paid! Perfect. Also, it will make Shannon a lot less worried about her daughters.

In our conversation, me finding Dad's letters came up. Mom agreed with me that he's changed a lot and she wants to read the letters - just to see. She thought that Dad might want to read them, too. Just to remember. He knows he's changed. But, I really don't want to upset him. The man that wrote those letters is not the man that he is now. Mom (strongly) suggested that I call up Dad, tell him about the letters and just ask him if he wants to read them. She was right.

So, I called him.

I was a bit nervous. So, the first thing I did was remind him that it was Mom's birthday. Yes. He forgot. That's my dad - mind like a steel sieve.

Then, I mentioned the letters. He told me that he would like to read them. Said that he remembers who he was and isn't sure that even he would like himself from back then. He praised Jesus for the change, saying that the bible says that once you accept Christ into your life, he totally transforms you.

I know that Dad's religious belief really had an affect on who he was and who he is now. I can say, without a doubt, it has been a positive change.

He wanted to know if I was going to keep letters. I told him truthfully, as soon as Mom and he finished reading them, I was going to get rid of them. That I didn't want to remember him like that. I wanted to remember my father the way he really is. That touched him. Made him happy. I'm glad.

Maybe we can have some sort of closure on our past with us.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Swords, Reversed

Nada.

Gaming Orgy

I ended up breaking the news to Donna about me want to move. We were just talking and somehow, the subject of houses came up and the timing felt right. She took it very well. Told me her preference was that I would but if I wanted to go, that was fine, too. She just wanted me happy.

She knows I'm not even going to start looking until the end of March and knows that I'm going to be very picky. Donna is encouraging me to take as much time as I need and hopes that I will find the house that I am looking for.

This takes a major worry off of my shoulders and I am so glad for that. I didn't want my moving out to be an unpleasant thing.

This whole weekend was spend indulging in one of my favorite pastimes of gaming. Well, ok... Friday night, I went to Casey's birthday party but some gaming talk did occur. So, that counts, too.

Saturday, I headed out to Miskatonic Acres to run Alex, Jen and Dave through the "Phantom" plotline for Bedrest. That was a fun deal to dance around with. Dave (darn his devious hide!) almost ruined my plotline for me but I covered it well.

However, I did learn one thing. In a situation/plotline like that, next time, everyone is going to be there at once or they aren't there. I'm not going to run it in three sections like I did this time. It was a live and learn situation that hasn't ended too badly.

After that, Dave ran Alex and I through his (monthly) 7th Sea game. Wow! What a good game! Exciting, too. My character got engaged, fought a demon spawn, met a Fey killer, was possessed by a demon and was cleansed of the demon... in one day all before 1pm. And the day just got more exciting from there. Kinda explains why the game ended at 2:30am and I crawled into bed at about 4am.

Sunday, I slept as late as I could then got up, messed around for a while and then headed back to Miskatonic Acres for Alex's (monthly) Port Townsend game. Oh yeah. I love playing Delphi! She is so much fun. It was another very late night but well worth it.

Though... I really need to figure out something non-violent that she can do in a fight that would be of some help to her side. Right now, she can hide or use a Presence power to try to keep others from attacking her. She has this big phobia of violence.

Groo... I am very tired.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Cups, Reversed

Not Really Real

Have you ever had one of those moments when something - anything- makes you question your reality? Makes you wonder if your life is really yours? If it is real? Sometimes that happens to me. It's been a long time since the last one. Until yesterday.

I was driving home from work as usual. Most of the time, after work, I drive in 'the zone.' Sort of a fugue state where I think about the day or anything else that comes along unless something external catches my attention as unusual or dangerous.

I had just come over the rise of the Dumbarton bridge when I was pulled back to reality by the unusual formation and color of the clouds covering the highest part of the Hayward hills. The clouds were hazy, more like smoke than anything else. Totally obscuring most of the hills from sight. But what really got my attention was the color of the clouds. They were a medium brown gray. Like someone had poured dark caramel through the clouds already heavy with rain.

I sniffed the air, wondering if there was a forest fire, but smelled nothing unusual. It confused me a little. 'Clouds aren't supposed to be brown.' I thought to myself as I tried to get a better look at the hills but was hampered by the fact that I was still driving 65 mph.

After a couple mildly frustrating minutes of that, I happened to glance to the other side of me and was startled to see that part of the sky was a clear blue with fluffy white clouds. The area was rapidly being consumed by a wall of dark rain clouds. Part of me was relieved to see the grayness of them but I was still struck by the contrast between the blue and the gray.

I turned back to the hills, noticing the brownness of the clouds again. Suddenly, I found myself glancing left to right and back again over and over, comparing the stark differences of cloud shape and color on both sides of me. It was amazing. Like there were two different skies overlapping.

Somewhere in the middle of that, I became aware of the sky and hills in front of me. The first time I came to California, I was stunned at the sky, thinking that it looked more like a painted backdrop than anything else. After a while the sky became normal to me. But now, as I looked forward, I was struck at how much the hills and sky before me looked fake. A painted backdrop. Suddenly, I was sure it was all fake. I looked from left to right, my mind adding in comments. 'That sky is right. That's what it's suppose to be... That sky is wrong. Someone screwed something up or maybe there was an accident.'

Immediately, I pushed such a crazy thought away. But as I kept my eyes on the sky in front of me, I could not convince myself that it wasn't fake. It was a very disconnected feeling. Like my entire reality had somehow become disjointed and off kilter. I ended up feeling like that for the rest of the day until bedtime. Even then, as I fell asleep, I had to wonder what I was going to wake up to the next morning: my world.... or something else?

I can't explain the feeling. I don't know why I felt like that. I just know that it was very disconcerting.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Pentacles, Reversed

Floaty

Things were much more down to earth today for the most part. Though, twice, I had mild dizzy spells as it felt like I was about to float out of my body. Fortunately, I was sitting down both times. Work was work and not too bad at that. We are in the brief calm between storms. It should pick up again towards the end of the week. Hopefully, by then, I will be feeling less tired and dopey.

Neat note for the day: Klatha Entertainment revamped their website and listed me as their QA person. That's pretty cool. I didn't even ask them to do it. Of course, I'm still not getting paid but this is a neat little product and I like it.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Pentacles

The Value of 'Splat'

New Poem: Unhealed Wounds. This is a poem I've been kicking around internally since mid-February. Not especially happy but not too angsty either.

Interesting Dreamage: Shaelinador - Having just boarded an unknown Alien space vessel, it seems that I am the only one who really cares about what's happening.

Notes: When I wrote this dream up first thing in the morning, I dated it 8 Mar 3000. I think my subconscious couldn't put 2000 for such an interesting space dream.

This is one of those dreams that has completely sparked my creative juices. I have a short story just begging to be written right now. There are two ways it can end. I'm seriously debating which one to do. I may have to do both. One will have a lot more explaination of what is going on. The other will leave all of that up to the reader's imagination. Both have their merits.

Johanna also keeps a dream journal called Juggling Mercury. (Isn't that just the coolest name for a dream journal?) It's very interesting to me. More than half of the time, she and I have vivid dreams on the same night. Though, we've never dreamed in tandem... I think. In any case, the same night that I dreamt Shaelinador, she had a couple of dreams she titled Action Figure Girl. She managed to post her dream before I posted mine.

In an email to her, I told her: I'll send you it [Shaelinador] when I'm done polishing the splat I did of it this morning. To which she responded: "Splat" whan an evocative description!

I thought about that and agreed. 'Splat' is indeed an evocative description of how I write sometimes - Like when I'm desperate to get an idea from my head to paper before I forget. Especially when I'm writing up a dream where I am trying to balance on that fine line of staying awake enough to write coherently but not too awake that I will lose my memory of the dream.

What is 'splat'? Well, for me, 'splat' is a very quick style of writing. I don't worry about grammer, spelling, punctuation or capitalization. I worry about getting just enough across that I will understand what I've written later. That is it. It usually is one block of text of badly spelled and punctuated sentences. Often times, it isn't even in a cohensive timeline. If I forget something from up top, I just add the sentence where ever I am on the page. Most of the time, I can figure out what I meant.

One of the good things about 'splat' (beyond getting important thoughts out of your head and onto the paper) is that it can help you break the creative block. If you are stuck on a particular spot in a story or even a decision, splatting to the page in a freeform, unformatted, not pressured manner may give you just the idea you needed to continue on. Though, sometimes, this can bite you in the butt when a character decides to use your splat to go rogue, running off to write their own story. Yes, this has happened to me. It can be a grueling task to bring the rogue character back into line.

Still, the good parts outway the bad. Some of my best writing has come from my splats to a page. Sometime, I may have to show you an orginal splat on a story, so you can compare it to the final finished product. That would be amusing. At least, to me.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Wands, Reversed

Art Imitates Art?

In an odd sort of coincidence, it turns out that Antonio Banderas has been tentatively picked as the Phantom in the new "Phantom of the Opera" movie.

This is highly amusing to me in the wake of the "Phantom" plotline I'm running for Bedrest where Elizabeth is abducted(?) pursued(?) by Jonas from the charity production of "Phantom of the Opera." Jonas... if you didn't know, it based on Antonio Banderas as Elizabeth's wickedly evil and seductive nemesis.

"Shekhar Kapur, who directed Blanchett to an Oscar nomination in the epic Elizabeth, is bringing The Phantom of the Opera to the screen. Who will play the character, immortalized in the 1925 silent film by Lon Chaney Sr. and in the stage musical by Michael Crawford?

How about Antonio Banderas, who already knows from masks thanks to 1998's Mask of Zorro? The Spanish heartthrob has been tentatively picked to play the title role in the new screen version, composer Andrew Lloyd Webber said Tuesday. Lloyd Webber added that he is looking for a "stunning girl" for the role of love interest Christina.

The Phantom of the Opera has been hailed as the most successful theater show of the century after worldwide box office sales topped $3 billion. Banderas has some rock opera experience under his belt already, having starred in the 1996 film version of Lloyd Webber's Evita, directed by Alan Parker"

Is that weird/odd or what? Though, I have to admit, good or bad, I will have to buy the movie just because.

I finally took the time to go see our corporate masseur. Oh my, that was a good and quick 30 minutes. Looks like I need to start budgeting for a weekly massage with Gretchen. She wants me to start stretching my lower back, drink more water, stop playing on the computer so much. She says my neck and lower back are a wreck. I smelled of lavender and eucalyptus afterwards. My muscles protested her strong hands but later gave in to the massaging, rubbing and pummeling. Man. It was a shame to go back to work after that

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Pentacles, Reversed

A Rollercoaster Day

More strange dreams from my Dreamlines. This time, is it called: Otherworldly Lovers - I discover that I am not who I thought I was and someone is trying to keep me and my love apart. On top of that, there is a little girl who wants my soul.

I had one of those rollercoaster days yesterday where my emotions were all over the place. Little things annoying me. Little things making me giggle. Then, Johanna grumbled about an email from someone who ran a plotline in Bedrest that I didn't know about. I asked about the email and she forwarded it to me. I read it. I reread it because I couldn't believe what I read the first time. After the second time of reading it, I went *ballistic*.

To put it mildly, the downtime plotline that had been run was completely wacko and outrageous. But the results of the downtime were even more so. I have a few choice words to say about the situation to Johanna in email and IM, letting my temper just ride the wave of ... outraged disbelief.

Now, as Johanna had had some time to deal with her thoughts on the matter and knew what I was thinking... and knows me well enough to know my temper... sent me some soothing, rational words about calming down until I spoke to the GM about the situation. DJ is the brand new GM of the game and is having to deal with some unpleasant loose ends.

So, some hours later, luckily for everyone involved, I finally got a hold of DJ. He actually brought up the downtime plotline before I did and much to my relief, he had not approved it and had already planned how to deal with it. He had been blindsided by it and agreed that it was a bit much. He was also taking immediate steps to spin control it to the playership. All smart moves. Ones that probably saved him 6 core players.

I'm just hoping the backlash won't be that bad.

After I had dinner with Greg and David, I came home and ended up in a two hour conversation with Donna ranging from our perceptions of her son, of the evolution of mankind, my moving, hopes for the future and whatever else came up. She was definitely in the mood to talk. I cut it off after two hours because I was tired and ready for some solitude.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hanged Man

Indulging Hedonism

Yesterday was a day for heeding my inner child and indulging in the hedonistic pleasures of junk food and a good book. This one was "The 97th" by Steve Perry. Part of the Matador series. Then, Lisa and I went shopping. I rounded out the evening watching the first part of The Godfather (#1) with Rob and Lisa.

I had never seen The Godfather. It was surprisingly good. The acting was decent. The story was intriguing. And I finally understood a piece of American culture. All of those parodies about the Godfather and various scenes within the movie. Marlon Brando's character was so smooth and strong without yelling. I loved Al Pacino's character... going from war hero to mafia son in almost a blink of an eye. He had a real presence that spoke very well. It's definitely a movie worth seeing.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Wands

What a Clusterfuck

(This entry is all about gaming and histrionics. If you aren't interested in that, you might as well go surf somewhere else. If you stick around, my apologies for not naming names. I think I'd rather avoid the backlash.)

It's 12:49 on Sunday night. I've just gotten home from the Bedrest game. Common sense is telling me to just go to bed and sleep on it. No one said I was smart or that I had any common sense. What can I say? It was just one big clusterfuck from beginning to end. I have no idea why I volunteer to do anything for the game anymore. It always comes back to bite me in the ass.

The game started off slow. People trickling in here or there. I guess "the game starts at 6pm" really means "the game maybe starts at seven, so get here whenever." At first, the dream plotline went over fairly well. Personal horror and all that. Then, the Archon in training was fairly well received as something of interest. But, unfortunately, neither plotline held anyone's interest for long.

Then, the meetings happened. The security meeting. Then, the primogen meeting. Then, the Elder showdown between PersonA and PersonB. ... That got totally out of hand. It sucked on a number of levels. First, as I was standing right there, I was asked to narrate. Against my better judgment, I agreed... and was promptly interrupted by other people and was told I was wrong on a number of calls. I finally gave up and just told someone else to narrate it.

Then, things suddenly, out of nowhere got personal between PersonA and PersonB. Their characters had been in a heated and then almost lethal battle with PersonA coming out on the losing end of that. The barbs continued to fly. PersonA got upset and decided that he just didn't care anymore. PersonB tried to say something to me, I missed it. He told me he'd tell me later and PersonA reacted badly, assuming what PersonB was trying to say to me was something about him. I don't know if it was or not.

At that point, PersonB dropped character and told PersonA that if he had something that PersonA needed to hear, he would say it in a manner that PersonA would definitely hear. Again, PersonA reacted badly to that. PersonB said the two of them could go outside to discuss it if there was a problem - meaning away from people. PersonA took it as a threat. I don't know what he said... but then PersonB said something completely uncalled for and inappropriate. PersonA lost it. PersonC, who had been watching this, lost it and began berating the confused spectators who had been talking among themselves and thinking it was still in character.

Me? I walked away.

I think that is the worst thing about all of this. Rather than stepping in-between these two once it got personal, I hesitated, unsure of what to do and then I walked away. It was a utterly cowardly thing to do. It doesn't matter that I realized how cowardly it was and turned back around. By that time, it was too late. The damage was done. I should have done something and I did nothing.

I spoke to PersonA . Apologized for the situation. He was cold angry. Polite to me but that was it. I doubt I will see him again. Then, I spoke to PersonB. He was also cold angry, but apologized to me, admitting that he had been out of line, still the damage was done.

I'm just afraid of the possible backlash that will happen. Especially against people who weren't even there. I afraid that it's going to suck beyond all comprehension.

The game ended up continuing after that. There was a short lull where I got to talk to PersonD. I mentioned something about the plotlines. She looked at me straight in the face and said, "Plotlines? There were plotlines tonight?" That totally crushed me. All of the work I had done in downtime, with articles, with dreams, with everything.... and the first person to say something about the plotlines to me was to ask if there were any actual plotlines tonight.

I don't even know why I bother. It seems like all they want to do is get into combat. To liven things up, they through some sabbat at two different groups. Just so people had 'something to do.' Whatever happened to personal horror... to politics... to subtle play of clan against clan or peer against peer? Why does everything always have to degenerate into a massive combat clusterfuck to make people happy?

At this point, I give up. That's it. No more. I will finish the Phantom plotline. Finish the Archon plotline and finish the Dream plotline. I will not run another one. I will not narrate. It's just not worth it. I'm not having fun. I don't think I really enjoyed myself at all except to watch people's faces as they read their part in the Dream plotline.

This whole thing make me wonder if Bedrest should even continue. It seems to be thrashing about like a headless body that doesn't realize it is dead yet. If it does continue, it will do so without me. I will do nothing more that the Newsletter and play my character. I'm not going to throw effort into something only to be incredibly disappointed at the results.

You have no idea just how incredibly sad this all makes me.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Swords

And Life Marches On

Surprisingly enough, the day didn't suck, considering I had about two hours of sleep. Mostly, I tossed and turned, berating myself for my actions from the night before. I ended up emailing both PersonA and PersonB, apologizing for walking away instead of trying to help stop the fight. I didn't get an answer from PersonA, as expected. I ended up in a philosophical discussion with PersonB. He helped some of the guilt I was feeling.

Work today was actually pretty fast, all things considered. I managed to stay focused on work most of the day. I think it was a defense thing in response to yesterday. I need to do and think on something harmless.

After work, I headed over to the Rental Experts and signed up with them. I will start looking for my new house this week I think. They gave me a whole list of rentals in the Fremont area and they will be giving me daily updates. It was a tad expensive but the service goes on for three months and if I don't find it within that time period, I can either get a refund or sign up for another 3 months for free. I hope I have found a place by then. I don't want to wait even a month.

Came home, watched "The 13th Warrior" and read a little. "The 13th Warrior" was really pretty good. A lot violent but a good story. I liked it. I'd like to read the book it is based on.

So, the world still turns, things still happen and life marches on.

Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Pentacles

Falling Apart

Well, not nearly as shell shocked yesterday as Monday. I talked to both PersonA and PersonB. Both have backed way off the situation. I'm glad for that. I think it's best just to keep them apart. All that testosterone flying about and egos butting heads. I'm sorry it's gotta be this way.

I've noticed something disturbing - my knees are starting to give me problems. My left one was popping a lot by the end of the game on Sunday. Monday, they felt really loose and unstable. Like they would bend the wrong way if I didn't watch it. Tuesday, they were so tight, I could barely walk up the two flights of stairs to my office. THAT really unnerved me. I've never had knee problems before.

Now, I'm wondering if it's age, weight or abuse. Probably a bit of all of them... with weight coming out in the forefront. Darn it! Couldn't it have waited until I had found my new house and settled in? I don't want to have to worry about my knees right now. I've got bigger and better things to spend my time on.

Man, I'm just falling apart.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Fool

That "Jenny" Thing

We finally got our pictures from the company holiday party. Amazingly enough, there was a picture of me in them. I was surprised. More so that it was a fairly decent picture. This picture is of (from the left) Johanna, me, my co-worker Andrew and Glenn. The four of us spent a good two hours camped around that table talking the night away. I was so glad they were there. We had a blast!

Going back to that being surprised about actually having my picture taken. You see, at least when it comes to pictures for my professional life, I keep seeming to just miss getting my picture taken for just about everything. I don't know why. I don't do it on purpose. I suppose it is some sort of odd arcane.

Hmmm... oh, yeah. Here it comes. An outrageous explanation.

You see, I'm going to live a very long time. I'm not sure why. I just know I am. Longer than normal. Long enough for me to be concerned with hiding my real identity and creating/gaining a new one. The reason I seem to miss having my picture taken is due to a subconscious defense mechanism that is keeping me from having a documented past. That way, I won't have to explain to some intrepid historian why my face is in a 200-300 year old history book as one of the original XX company employees. And thus, I won't have to kill said intrepid historian in order to keep my secret.

Makes perfect sense to me.

At work, all of my QA co-workers are Russian except my boss, Greg. For some reason, every last one of them have started calling me "Jenny." Normally, when someone calls me "Jenny," I politely ask them not to. I don't like it. However, I can't seem to make them stop. I will remind them. They apologize and mean it but within a day or two, it will slip out again.

I've started letting it slide. I don't hate the name "Jenny" like I used to. I used to be rabid about it. Now-a-days, I will mention that I prefer "Jenn" or "Jennifer" but I don't bite heads off at the sound of "Jenny" anymore. I suppose it's because I'm growing up. Or, perhaps, I'm growing into my self-esteem. "Jenny" used to represent a snobby, selfish, inconsiderate, helpless teenage girl to me. Half of the "Jenny"s I knew where like that. Now, I don't think I know any "Jenny"s and I'm not obsessed with the idea that people think horrible things about me when they call me "Jenny."

Still. I prefer "Jenn" or "Jennifer."

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Cups, Reversed

Frustrated Wanting

(Warning - some pictures are of an adult nature and may take time to load, but there is no nudity.)

I want. I really want... I know what I want. I even know how to get it. The problem comes in when I start looking for an experience, willing, available partner. Willing is not the problem. Experienced and available is.

I've been thinking of it a lot lately. Perhaps in response to my out of control and stressful life. I don't want to be responsible. I don't want to have to worry. I don't want to be control... though, that is merely a fantasy. Then again, that -is- what I'm talking about... fantasy. A good, hard, rough and tumble fantasy.

The center of such play is trust and communication. I want someone to read my mind and to just know what to do. It's all part of the fantasy. The need. The want. The heavy exchange of power. The giving... the taking... Feeding and being fed. To forget everyone but him. To forget everything but what he says. At least, for a little while.

This came floating through my mind last night. Maybe I'll turn it into a full fledged poem/fantasy.

Just breathe.

Yes. I have been dealing with a number of things that have been frustrating me a lot lately.

I'm frustrated by people who talk about their friends behind their backs then are all sweetness and light to their faces. I'm frustrated with those people who get mad at me for questioning them on the friendship and not letting them get away with it. If you are friends with someone, don't talk smack about them behind their back! At least have the courage to tell them what you think to their face.

I'm frustrated by friends who have a bad habit of slamming me about whatever. I know they don't mean it but after a while, I get tired of dislodging my toes from under their foot. No. "Sorry" doesn't always help.

I'm frustrated by friends who have the attention span of a gnat and the focus of a wide lens camera. Especially when we are supposed to be concentrating on a game. Tangents are amusing upon occasion but when they take over, they piss me off and make me feel like I've wasted my evening.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Magician

Groo...

I was overcome by nausea at work yesterday. It was the weirdest thing. I was sitting there, working on the latest revision of software, being frustrated by a problem when suddenly, I was overwhelmed by a wave of nausea.

Whoa. Wtf? Where did that come from? I breathed slowly, confused, trying to quell my stomach. Then, I smelled it. *ew* What's that awful...? Oh, man. Lunch. St. Patrick's day. Cornbeef and cabbage. Gag. Who could...? Oh, wait. That's a real gag. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Uh oh. Coppery taste in the mouth. Ok. Don't breathe. It's the smell. God, the lunchroom is across the building from me! How can it be so strong out here? *nausea* *nausea* *nausea* That's it. I'm going home. I can't work like this.

I wrote my boss a quick note and fled the building, holding my nose. I had queasy tummy all the way home and a headache on the left side of my head. A tension headache. I don't get tension headaches. I get sinus headaches. Johanna thinks I was suffering from a mild migraine. I'm not so sure, but I did end up napping for 3 hours in my chair. So, something was wrong. I just don't know what.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Emperor, Reversed

*nada*

Getting Ready to Say Good-bye

I visited my parents yesterday. The house was a shambles, much of the furniture was gone and they were throwing things out left and right. I took Mom out to lunch. She asked me if I was really Ok with she and Dad leaving. I am. Really, I am. I've had over a year to get used to the idea. I didn't react too well to begin with. Now, I'm fine with it. But now, it seems that's all we speak of.

I'm happy that Mom and Dad are following their dream. I'm happy they are going to be with my sister and her children. I'm also sad that they are going. I will miss them. I've always hated long good byes. It seems like every time I speak to either parent, we do nothing more than speak of us parting. I don't like getting ready to say good bye. I'd rather there be just one short parting with promises of phone calls, emails and letters.

I will see my parents tonight to pick up some furniture. Then, I will see them one last time on Wednesday night for dinner. I suspect it will be a tearful parting. I don't like the anticipation of such. I'd rather do my grieving at the parting in private.

Why is it that we draw out such painful things as good byes? There will always be things that we forgot to say, forgot to do, forgot to give. Too caught up in the moment of parting and grief to remember to do those things we meant to do. Too caught up in our own thoughts than that of the person we are parting from. And that is what we will remember - our own thoughts and feelings. Of course, we will remember those we've parted from but their memory will fade over time. It is the memory of the pain that will strike the chord in our hearts in years to come.

Good-byes can be so selfish.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Cups

Gazing Starward

In the middle of work yesterday, as I was stressing about regressing bugs, realizing I'm going out every night this week, worrying about my parents moving, wondering when I was going to get everything done - like doing the Bedrest Newsletter, writing my articles for it, writing on the story based on the dream: Shaelinador, tackling Pride of Bramsburg again, cleaning up my rooms, throwing stuff out, looking for a new place to live, answering email and other mundane chores such as washing clothes... I uploaded a slide set to my company's product and was struck by what I saw there.

One of my co-workers had created a slide set of pictures from the Hubble Space Telescope.

Just nine pictures... pictures that looked too beautiful and alien to be real. Suddenly, I was on a quest. I had to see more. I found a wonderful website and dived it.

I was stunned. I was amazed. I was captured. These pictures took my breath away. I can imagine this is the feeling some people get when they see the ocean for the first time without man made structures to get in the way of the view. Or, view the sky at night their first time away from 'civilization.'

I was seized with an incredible longing. I wanted to be out there, in space. To leave this little planet behind. I wanted to see these awe inspiring beauties with my own eyes. And I wanted it right then. It was such a strong emotion that I felt my eyes moisten and my throat close up as I knew deep in my heart, I would never be able to do it. Not in this lifetime. No matter how much my heart wanted it.

I am mostly drawn to the pictures of the nebulae. It felt like there is a secret waiting for me in those misty colors of columns and whirls. All I have to do is just go there and all would be revealed for my ears only.

Part of me wants to shout out that it is not fair to show me something so beautiful... so much more than I am and not let me touch it. Part of me is thankful just to have had the chance to see that such beauty really does exist elsewhere in the universe. Thankful that I have these images to think over, long for and dream about.

Still, I just wish... Wishing... Wanting... Longing... For something that will always be beyond my grasp.

Bittersweet beauty.

(Then, Johanna beat me about the head and shoulders with profound quotes and silly images of dinosaurs in space helmets until I cheered up again. *grin*)

Tarot Card for the Day: Heirophant, Reversed

Aww, Man!

I actually started working on the short story, Shaelinador! Yeah! I wrote the opening dream sequence and the introduction of the main character. Though... I've been wondering... all of my main characters are female. I identify with them a lot better. (Well, duh.) Maybe... maybe I should try stretching myself a bit and making the main character in Shaelinador be male.

I like the idea of that but I'm not sure I could write a guy well enough to do him justice. I don't want him to be stereotypically male but I also don't want him to be a man with a female personality. I suppose I could start out just doing my 'dream guy' and work on a real personality in the edit.

Mrph. The more I think about it, the more I think the main lead should be male. Yes, there are female captains in Sci-fi stories, but as Shaelinador is alive, self aware and female(ish), I think it would be a better dynamic for the lead to be male. A better bonding balance.

Crap. Now I have to rewrite my opening sequence and put a male spin on it.

Tarot Card for the Day: Death, Reversed

It's Not For Forever

Cute squeak of the day: Lil'bit (the little gray squirrel) was out sunning him on one of the tree branches yesterday morning. He got up, s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d, shifted a little, then flopped back down on the branch, arms wrapped around it and his head propped up a little twig of a branch jutting out from the main one. He gave a contented sigh, closed his eyes and went to sleep - just like that, draped over the tree branch. It was so adorable!

I got interviewed by Tanya Ott for her story to be broadcast on "Beyond Computers." At first, she told me it was going to be about Gor but, it turns out she was exploring sex, sensuality and the computer and asking how it goes from online to real life. I ended up speaking more on BDSM, "Safe, sane & consensual," plugging the Society of Janus , SM Odyssey and Differences .

She had only heard of Gor and IRC... nothing about MOOs, MUSHs, MUCKs, or any of the other online arenas. My 20 minute phone call became 40 minutes, cut off only because I had to got to work. I was her first interview for the story. She said she would call me again for follow ups if needed. I recommended that she speak to my friend, TresureDom. He is one of the founders of SM Odyssey and a lot more active in the Scene than I am.

It was interesting. I'll let you know when it is to be broadcast.

On the Writing front, I got some advice from fellow Webrat , "Hey Trey " about how to write a story from a male point of view. Basically, it just boiled down to: "Guys are people, too." and "Have an open minded male read the story for his opinion."

*hrm* Sound advice. Just write it, having the character react normally and there you go. I think I can do that.

(I can think of hundreds of jokes about the normalcy of guys, but I think I just skip it this time.)

...

The word "Normalcy" looks very strange to me, but it is spelled correctly and is in the dictionary.

OK. Small rant here. There is a woman at my office who is getting married. The office manager has been secretly planning a little party and gift giving thing for her. I don't mind that. What I mind is being expected to participate whether I want to or not. Both time-wise and money-wise. I wasn't really given a choice. The office manager came to my office, sat and was whispering excitedly about the surprise. She told me, "Here's the card we are all signing and you can put your donation for the present in the envelope." That was it. No asking. Just expectation.

Now, while I don't begrudge the party or gift, I really don't know the woman who is getting married, I haven't been told what the gift is and I probably won't have time to go to the party. It just really chaffs me that I didn't really have a choice in the matter without looking very bad in front of my co-workers and the office manager. The office manager should have handled it in a way that allowed those people who didn't care to participate to bow out gracefully. *grump*

Maybe I was just feeling sensitive because of the impending good bye dinner with my parents.

Last night was my good bye dinner with my parents. My brother took us out to Hungry Hunter. It was about what I expected it to be. Calm and casual, talking about everything and nothing until it was time for dessert. Then, we talked about their plans, where they were going and such. There was an air of sadness but no one cried. At least, not while we were in public.

I don't think I'm dealing with this good bye thing very well. I know it's not for forever. Just until Thanksgiving. I know Scott is being hit harder by this than I am. I wouldn't be surprised if he moved out to North Carolina to be near them sometime in the future.

The drive home was wet for me. I couldn't help it. I'm going to miss them a lot, but at least, I know it's not for forever.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Pentacles, Reversed

Nothing But Freeform

(Here's a little something I wrote when I got home yesterday from a very long day at work. Just some freeform writing to vent my emotions from the day and the drive. I'm much better now. It really did help.)

Rage. Rage! Angry. Sad. Depression. How can someone be so angry and depressed at the same time? That makes no sense to me. Confusion. Frustration! Why do I feel like this? Super bitch! Weeping baby. 30 seconds flat. Mood swings from hell. God, I hope my friends are still speaking to me after I get my act together. Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Just FINE... F.I.N.E. fine. Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. That's me. Why? Is it because my parents moved? Why would that matter? I barely saw them once a month if that much. Is it because they are gone or is it the idea of them being gone. I didn't NEED them. But, now, it feels like my safety net is gone. I haven't needed a safety net in years. Suddenly, I want... I want. Hold me down, beat me up, take control. This is all about me... Mememememe! Selfish bitch that I am. My life. That's it. It's my life... but I don't want to be responsible anymore. I feel depressed, ugly, uncared for, unloved. Christ, even my -characters- feel unloved. I will not! I will not cry! Shit. So much for that. I don't even listen to myself anymore. So tired. So very tired. Why? Why? Stupid question. *sigh* So much to do. So little time. So little control. What do you mean? You have control. Over your job, your house, your life. You're the one who's been slacking at work. You're the one who should be exercising and isn't. Oh, no. We're not going to got there. Not now. I'm not in the mood. I have too many bad thoughts already. ... Why do I feel so destructive and self destructive? I want to hurt someone a little... a lot. No. Actually, I don't. I just feel like I do. It makes me lash out. I've been dealing with that all day. But I've been good. I've been careful not to lash out. I know I shouldn't make any decisions like this. Kinda like when I'm PMSing. But I'm not in my period unless I have a 2-3 week cycle and that would really suck bad. It's not that. Spring has sprung, I think. Maybe that's it. Frustration of being inside instead of outside. I. I. I... What is it that I really want? A life? Happiness? Love? Acceptance... Contentment. Maybe I'm not happy unless I'm stressed? What an awful thought. I'd rather not deal with these headaches. I got one right now. All this week, tension headaches. I never get tension headaches. Only sinus headaches. Maybe Johanna's right about the allergies. That might explain the mood swings... though... allergies giving a person mood swings? Weird. I wonder.

Tarot Card for the Day: One of Pentacles

Dark Tower

Last night, we had a short, but intense, Tales of the Iridium Rose game. Pretty much, it was one big combatfest from beginning to end, but it was still incredibly cool. My character, Duvessa, actually got to ignite her new lightsaber twice and fight with it once. And, she didn't cut her own leg off! I'm thrilled to pieces. Also, Alex, being the incredibly evil GM that he is, pulled off a twist at the end of the story that surprised (and terrified) the heck out of me. Not -that- easy of a thing to do. I'll be writing up this episode soon. It's called: The Dark Tower. (Cue dramatic music.)

The only real downside to the game was a player. He is a nice guy, fun to hang out with but hell to game with. He is a tangent monger like you wouldn't believe. Last night was especially bad because on top of his constant tangents, he was particularly argumentative to everyone. At least, that's what it seemed like to me (and a couple others). He seemed to deliberately mishear or misunderstand the GM. He got noticely grumpy when he couldn't do what he wanted to do and would argue with Alex about everything. It was making everyone tense and impatient. (Yes, me included. I snapped at Alex once. I didn't mean it. I've apologized.)

The thing is, as much fun as this player -can- be, the game always seems to run smoother, more focused and less tensely when he can't make it to the game. I've written the GM about this player, asking Alex to talk to him about his tangenting and sometimes bad/flippant attitude.

Oh, yes... We had a few choice quotes from the game, too:

"I'm checking eBay for the price of Corellian whiskey." -Jela'han (When he failed a computer roll in the middle of a fight.)

"Once again, I must make a sacrifced to the Great Flounder when I get home." -Geehan (When he managed not to get hit by the 10 stormtroopers firing at him at point blank range.)

"Eat hot plasma, Sith monkey!" (I have no idea how this one came up. I think Yahnna.)

"What's the pilot adjustment on an ejected chair?" - "I can fly ANYTHING!" Yahnna (When she ejected out of the cockpit of the StarChaser to avoid being skewered by the Sith Lord.)

And, of course, as I usually do, I had a series of Star Wars related dreams. I only remember snippets of fire fights, lots of running, dodging and fighting. Then, there was this one dream where Duvessa was actually captured and taken to the Sith Lord where he tried to turn her to the dark side but quickly realized that his physical nearness made Duvessa a lot more nervous than him being a bad ass Sith Lord. (I know it will probably never come up in game but Duvessa is a virgin. I think my mind was playing on that last night.) After that, let's just say, after that discovery, much naughtiness ensued. (I don't think I'm going to write up that dream... at least not for my public Dream Journal.)

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Pentacles

nada

nada

Then, He Smiled at Me

(Written Monday morning, 08:42)

It has been an incredibly busy weekend for me in a fun, slothful, gaming way. Indulging in a favorite passion occassionally has its drawbacks like not enough sleep.

Saturday was Rich's once a month Sekt Valir game. A very good game as usual. It actually stopped at a fairly sane... Ok, a less insane hour of 1am. Doesn't hurt that I live 5 minutes away from him. Only one thing marred the game.

One of the players had a friend come visit. You know when you meet someone and your instinct is to punch him in the face and run? Oh. That's only me? Oh, well. This guy was like that. I got a chill when he first called on the phone for directions. Then, I tensed up when the doorbell rang and I didn't untense until he left several hours later. This guy set off 90% of my alarm buttons as BAD and WRONG and STAY AWAY FROM HIM! I have no idea why. He was very polite but I could barely look at him. He made me very nervous and tense. The one time I was left alone in the room with him, turned and ran to the bathroom for safety. It was just very uncomfortable. Part of me wishes I knew why he set off my alarms. Part of me never wants to know.

Sunday was Alex's once a month Port Townsend game. It was good but a combatfest. I didn't realize that he was poking fun at LARPs until he mentioned it later. Then, it all made sense. The group finally made it to Port Townsend, our new home and that's a very good thing. Unfortunately, Dave's character did a number on my character and screwed her up mentally by attempting to comit suicide in front of her.

Delphi is my extremely humane, child nature character. She was supposed to talk to him to get his opinion on something and it ended up in this extremely depressive arguement. I can't remember the last time I roleplayed a scene with the angst meter stuck on "Just Kill Me Now!" So, now she's completely filled with rage, grief, confusion and guilt, sure that his suicide attempt is somehow her fault and that after she utterly opened her heart to him, not only did he reject her, he (without words) told her that he didn't care about her and in fact, hated her. I really have no idea how she's going to react to him now.

This morning, my alarm didn't go off, but fortunately, I woke up at 6:15 anyway. I'm not sure how I managed to get up on time when I went to bed at 2am. I had an almost overwhelming urge to call in sick this morning. I say 'almost' because I did manage to drag my unhappy, tired butt into work. Though, two things of note occurred.

First, as I was getting gas, I noticed a house with a "For Rent" sign in the window. It doesn't look like a great house but it still looks pretty good. It's only about 1/2 mile from where I'm living now, is a corner house, has a fenced yard and plenty of parking. From the outside, it looks wonderful. I'm going to stop by it on the way home and get a closer look and the phone number. Wish me luck.

Second, stuck in traffic on the Dumbarton bridge, I noticed a car with a little boy in it. He looked utterly and completely bored. I kept watching him as I drove and when my car came parallel with his, I looked over at him, caught him looking at me, gave him a big smile and waved at him. He looked surprised then embarassed (it was adorable), then he smiled a huge dimpled smile that could light up the sun and waved back at me. It was so cute! Suddenly, the day didn't seem so bad after all.

(Much, much later Monday evening)

Man, what a long day! I wrote up 63 test cases, modified one report and one test plan, then outlined 22 more test cases. I was beat by 3pm. I took my time outlining those test cases

On the way home, I remembered to stop by that house and get the number. It's going through a realty, so I don't think there will be a fee. At least I hope not. The house looks even better up close. I hope the inside is just as nice... and I hope it's not out of my price range.

I just found out that the editor of the brand new Vampire eZine, Dark Dreaming, wants to run my Elizabeth Bannister vinettes: Reflections of Humanity & Reflections of Immortality. That's pretty cool. I think it's a monthly eZine, so that's 6 months worth. Nice to be wanted. Though, still no pay, but that's Ok - for now. *grin* I do have ambitions!

Tarot Card for the Day: The Emperor, Reversed

Lights! Cameras! Action!

They were taping a commercial for my company in the office yesterday. They were using the cube right on the other side of the wall from me. I had never actually seen a film shoot in the flesh before. Man, there is a lot of junk! Lights, cameras, filters, etc... Johanna used to talk about this stuff but I never realized just how much she had to do to get a single shot.

There was a time in my life where I wanted to be an actress. After watching all of that for about 60 seconds of commercial... there is NO way I'd want to be an actress! After the 15th take, I was really glad that the actor had a really nice voice. I knew his lines by heart by that time. The actor came over and talked to me about the company and what I did as a QA Engineer. He seemed impressed. I complimented him on his voice. He mentioned he did voice-overs. Silly me, I didn't think to ask him how he got into something like that. Ah, well. No real loss.

Well, here's the update on that great house I saw. 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage, covered patio, laundry room, fireplace, allows pets(!) and is 1650 square feet. Sounds absolutely perfect.... except it's going for $1600 a month. OW! I can't afford that. Actually, I probably could - it would be a stretch, but at that price, I might as well go and BUY a freaking house. Darn! Darn! Darn! Screw! I was so hoping. *HUGE POUT* *sigh* Back to the rental ads.

However, all is not lost. A woman called me back about a duplex in Union City that is well within my range and I'm probably going to go see it tonight or this weekend. She gave me the address and I've discovered that it's fairly close to where DJ lives and I liked the area. I'll be driving by it tonight, regardless if anyone is there to actually show it to me.

Hmmm. I guess I better get serious about things and start becoming more aggressive about this house hunt. I don't want to just choose the first thing that comes along. That means this weekend is going to be busy. Ah, well. I think I can handle it.

Tarot Card for the Day: High Priestess, Reversed

House Hunting Sucks!

If you couldn't figure it out, I'm not doing so well looking for a house. Not even 1/3 of the people are even bothering to call me back. Those who do are renting the houses before I even have chance to take a look at them. That happened to me twice yesterday. I swear, house hunting is worse than looking for a job. It's a lot more cut throat, the houses rent out very quickly and it's a heck of a lot more emotional. This is all very discouraging. It's a good thing that I don't -have- to find a place to live.

BTW, can anyone tell me the difference between a condo and a townhouse? I -think- it's that a condo is short and squat while a townhouse is tall and narrow. Both are in little scrunched communities that I hate.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords

Askew

Things started out rather askew yesterday.

First, I woke up to a very surreal dream I'm calling: Initiation Party - After moving to a new town, I discover that there is a strange initiation practice that should horrify me. Instead, I find myself unaccountably excited.

Then, on the way to work, stopped at the T intersection of Ellis and East Middlefield, the girl in the car infront of me - that had stopped for the red light - decided to meander through the still red light and almost get T-boned. Fortunately for her, the other driver was a lot more observant that she. I looked at the driver next to me. We both had the same incredulous "WTF?" look on our faces. Then, we both shrugged and shook our heads. There was one moment of perfect clarity and understanding between strangers who will probably never see each other again.

Then, once I got to work, I discovered that a number of people I know either had very strange dreams or woke up unaccountably early, unable to get back to sleep.

I've been having strange "something's wrong" vibes since Tuesday. It was so strong on Tuesday that I called around to a lot of my friends, just to check up on them. I wonder if this weird dream thing is somehow connected to my weird vibes.

Tarot Card for the Day: Strength