JUNE 1999

Well... I wrote that poem about "Dreams & Duct Tape" like I said I would. Two of them, actually. The first one is an abstract poem, meandering down a train of thought. The second one is a more 'strict' version, written in Haiku. I can't decide which I like better.

I've been writing on my Elizabeth stuff lately, too. (No peeking, Johanna! *GRIN*) I just finished vignettes 9 and 10 in Shades of Night. (Elizabeth's first experience at a Toreador party as kindred. Elizabeth grows beyond her need for her mentor and protector.) Only "Thoughts in Grey" is left... and "Voices of the Past."

I really like working on the Elizabeth stuff, but, for some reason, I feel like I need to finish it before I can work on my Swan Sottall stuff. That, to me, is a little annoying. Ah, well. It's just me.

Oh, in an interesting developement in my ongoing quest to consolidate all my cards and to become debt free, I received a "Zero Balance" statement from a credit card that I thought I had closed. So, I called them up and asked to have the account closed due to me not needing it. They were very nice about the whole thing.

It turns out, one of my two remaining cards is from them. And, because I'm such a good customer, they offered to simply add the "earned credit" from the card that I was closing to the card that I am keeping. I said sure. Can't hurt. It's not like I'm going to be using a these cards a whole lot once they are paid off in any case. So, now, the one card is closed and the other card's limit has been doubled. It's kind of nice to have a good credit rating. I don't ever plan to use that much credit EVER again. But, the paranoid side of me thinks it's really nice to have the safety net there - double edged as it may be.

Spent yesterday afternoon and evening with Johanna. Just me and her. We haven't done that in a long while. It was pretty nice. We wandered the Mall for a bit, munched in the Food court and generally enjoyed each other's company.

Then, we went to see The Matrix. (Yes... Again.) While it is still an excellent movie, we've both decided that this is the last time we will see it in the theater. When I start mentally nitpicking small continuity points, I -know- it is time for me to stop watching it for a long while.

I hear that they will be selling the sunglasses from The Matrix next year for 'only' $160 a pair. Well, it will be neat to try on Morpheus' sunglasses, just to see what they look like, but I don't think I will be buying them for that amount of money.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Would someone get this walking carpet out of my way?!" Princess Lea, Star Wars: A New Hope.

Ugh. Yesterday was one LONG, LONG day. I spent the entire day with Diana upgrading ClearQuest. It was a tedious procedure with many confusing directions. And, if you messed up once, you had to start all over again. *mrph* Annoying to say the least. But, in the end, 8 hours later, it was upgraded.

Today, I send out the email for the company to upgrade their clients - a much, much easier process for them. Though, I am scheduling tomorrow to deal with all the problems of the users upgrading. *smile* Hopefully, it will go smoothly.

You know. Yesterday was one of those extremely dull days. Nothing interesting or exciting. I could tell you about doing laundry. Or telling you about being annoyed about traffic. But, I'm not.

Nothing to say. So, I'll sign off. Have a great day!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "I don't understand this...." Diana to me as we discussed one of the odd steps in the upgrade.

Things went well yesterday. Only 5-6 people asked me questions about upgrading ClearQuest. I discovered that a number of people did not know how to uninstall a program. That was a bit amusing to me. I actually knew more than these programmers. Kinda neat, actually.

Also, this means that I accomplished my one major goal for the week. This is a good thing. A quantifiable "I did it!"

Evil thought for the day. While I was in the server room, I discovered that a bunch of the computers were in these neat computer boxes with locking doors... with their keys still in the locks. I would NEVER do this but, I thought, "I wonder how much trouble it would cause if someone locked the cases and stole the keys... And I wonder how long it would take someone to notice it."

I am so evil sometimes.

I'm getting cable today. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I know. I know. Just means I'll have a TON channels to wade through to discover that there is nothing on. *hehehe* But, at least, I'll get to see it clearly. And, I'll get the Sci-fi channel. I generally have the TV on while I play around online or write. Moving wallpaper, basically. Perhaps, I'll get to see/listen to some more interesting moving wallpaper now.

Rob has been very maudlin lately. Whiney really. He wishs that things were like the 'old' days.

He says, "I sort of miss the fun we all had about a year and a half back when we all got together a lot and just had a fun time- But everyone seems to have drifted apart because of time, grudges, ego, etc. I miss it. Too bad."

If I rememeber right, that was a rather rowdy, wild, bawdy time for our group where we would have these drunken parties, make out and have sex with each other. I wouldn't call them 'orgies' but they were close enough that I'm not going to split hairs with anyone over it.

Frankly, I don't think Rob misses the old days. I think he misses the sex with other party goers. And I think he is feeling a bit of a blow to his ego now that the group has drifted away some. We used to always meet at his house because of his kids. It might be a bit bitchy, but I'm starting to lose patience with Rob and his complaining. He's got a beautiful wife, two wonderful kids, a good job and a house. I think he might be going through a mid-life crisis of sorts and if he would stop complaining and start taking care of himself mentally and physically, he could get past this rut in his life.

OK. That was a lot bitchy. But, it's true.

Don't get me wrong. I really like Rob. I do. He's a great guy with a certain charm. I just haven't seen that charm lately and there is only so much consoling, listening and advice giving that I can do.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Rule #8: Never go into unchartered territory without a full tank of gas.

I went to see "13th Floor" with DJ. Well... if I had seen it before I saw "The Matrix" I might have liked it better. It was OK, while I was watching it - if you discount the middle 20 minutes that felt like 2 hours or the predictable pat ending that had people getting up and leaving the theater when there was 15 minutes left.

*sigh* I was disappointed. But, at least it wasn't as bad as eXistenZ.

I have cable now. It's interesting. I have a lot of channels to wander through. I have comedy channels to watch now. *grin* And lots of a dull channels. I have a feeling that I'm going to be wasting a lot of time watching and surfing... and loosing a lot of sleep. *laugh*

And just for the hell of it...

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: [This space intentionally left blank.]

Well, I'm all moved into my new cube. Surprisingly enough, I really like it. It's small, cozy really and I have my back to a wall - which is perfect for my skittish nature. I have everything moved in now. They gave me a switcher box for my two computers to save space. All in all, it's pretty cool. I think I'm going to like it here in the Cave. And I'm not going to move again for a LONG time - if I have anything to say about it.

Interesting things from email.

(Found on FurryMuck)

How to create your own Jedi name and title.

For your new first name:
1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name and add
2. the first 2 letters of your last name
For your new last name:
3. Then take the first 2 letters of your Moms maiden name and add
4. the first 3 letters of the city you were born
How to determine your Star Wars honorific name and title:
1: take the last three letters of your last name and reverse them.
2: add the name of the first car you drove/owned
3: insert the word "of"
4: tack on the name of the last medication you took.

*hmmmm* That makes my Jedi name:
Jenbr Ho'Elm, KezHorizon of Nuprin

-----

Flying cars?? What the heck? As Terry says, "What's next, dermal armour implants?"

Had a long talk with Rob about his depression (again). This is basically how the conversation went:

ME: Feeling better than yesterday?

ROB: Nope. Nothing's going on. Same as everyday. But why depress people by talking about it all the time.

ME: Are you seeing counseling for your depression?

ROB: Nope. I'm only mildly depressive. Which means that I still function perfectly well, and have no self-destructive tendencies. My insurance only covers it if it threatens my health.

ME: But still, it sounds like you need to talk to someone about the way you are feeling. A professional someone.

ROB: I agree. But it's too expensive, so it's not really an option. I just need a change of pace to get out of this funk.

ME: What are you doing to find/make this change of pace?

ROB: All I can do is go to school right now. I keep asking people if they want to go out and do stuff, but that never happens. And if I ask folks about it too much, it just becomes annoying. So I stop.*shrug*

ME: Maybe you should start working out again. That would help your mood and break up the pace.

ROB: Thought about it. Can't really work up the desire to care about it or much else.

ME: Well, it's been proven that exercise is great for stress and for the mood.

ROB: I know, but like I said. I just don't feel like doing anything.

ME: But, Rob, if you don't do anything, you will never get out of this rut. And you will continue to feel bad, perpetuating the circle.

ROB: I know that. But honestly, I don't feel like I care really. *shrug*

ME: If you don't want to help yourself, there is no one in the world who can do it for you.

As you can see, I give up. I am not going to let Rob's mood drag me down. I have enough crap on my plate to deal with his, too. I miss the "old" Rob. He was funny, witty, charming. But, as Johanna pointed out to me, Rob had mentally artificially inflated his ego with this parties as a being the GM for Bedlam's Rest. Now that people have drifted and changed, he isn't getting the attention that he once had and it depresses him.

*sigh* The old addage, "The more things change the more the stay the same." does not seem to apply here.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Those who do not learn from History are condemned to repeat it."

I got to drive Casey's car, Princess, on Friday. She's a 1998 Neon, four door, coup, five speed. She's named Princess because "she's royal blue, curvy and does whatever the hell she wants to."

After driving her, I concur with the name. As much as I really like Dante (my 626, 4 door sedan, automatic), I miss having a stick shift. I like the control over the car. I like listening to it and knowing the sounds well enough to not look at the tactometer.

As I was driving Casey home (he wasn't feeling well), I kept up a witty patter about driving and comparing driving a stick shift to being with a lover. (OK, so I was rambling, but the sentiment is the same.) Just like a lover, you know the moves and the sounds your car makes. You know exactly when to shift, how he'll turn, the sound of the wheels. All the noises that he should make. There is a sense of control. A sense of trust. A sense of oneness. And, should an unexpected noise occur, it causes great concernation and the immediate thought that "This is not right and must be fixed."

Maybe, I'm the only one who feels like this. Maybe, I'm not. But, I do know that my first car, Dudley, was alive, had a personality and did things no other car could have (or should have) to get me home safe and sound.

I miss having a stick shift and I miss Dudley.

Yesterday was a completely wasted day in some ways and not in others. I slept late, then watched movies and played online for hours. I was supposed to go over to Terry's for a movie but he was being wishy-washy on me, so, I let it slide. He's got a bit of leeway with me for being flaky for a while due to his break up with Kat.

By 6:45pm, I was restless and needed to get out of the house. So, I called up Lisa to come watch "A Midsummer Night's Dream" at the new theater. It was really, really good! I liked it a lot.

I think Michelle Pfeiffer is probably one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. I have thought this ever since I saw LadyHawke. She does a wonderful Tatania. I wish I could look as beautiful as she, with beautiful blue eyes, flawless skin and a face of an angel. *sigh*

Stanley Tucci is a great Puck, too. This movie is well worth seeing in and out of the theater.

Of course, it gives me the tendancy to want to speak like the movie. I actually found myself muttering, "Oh, cursed sun, hide thine face from mine eyes and I shall ever be grateful" as the sun woke me up. I think I had been dreaming of being with the Fae.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "The course of true love never did run smooth." Demetrius to Hermia, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"

I was in a particularly nasty, aggressive mood swing yesterday. I ended up snapping at Terry for being a flake. I didn't put it in those words. Maybe I should have. I don't know. Turns out that Terry was in an aggressively fucked up mood emotionally due to having to deal with his ex for some reason.

Of course, I felt horribly guilty over it after the phone call and sent him a sorta apology/explanation via email.

Still, after 4-5 times of him flaking, I seem to be faced the idea he doesn't want to do anything with me or something like that. I have half a mind to just stop inviting him to do things. It would save me a headache. It's probably best all around.

***

I know Kat seems to be OK through all this, but part of me wonders how she's really doing inside. I hope she is OK.

Johanna, bless her soul, coaxed me up to her place for company and dinner. We had a really good time. It did cheer me up a lot and spoke volumes of Johanna's bravery to want to see me even though she knew I was in an aggressively nasty mood.

We spoke about all kinds of things - from boys to friends to BDSM to jobs to dreams to her getting her hair cut and a tattoo... to the fact that my friend Kat (yes, the one mentioned above) has been reading my journal for a long time, loves it and even points others at it. (Hi Kat!)

Wow. While being incredibly amazed and enormously flattered... I found myself a little tweaked out. Suddenly, one of my faceless readers wasn't so faceless anymore. It was an unexpected revelation. Of course, I went through my whole fear phase of "OhmyGod, she's been reading my stuff. I wonder what she thinks of me. Who else has she told about my journal? What if she doesn't like me anymore? What if she thinks I'm a loser?" You know, the minor panic attack.

Then I realized that it didn't matter. Kat is a very cool girl and a forthright one. If I had said something to offend her greatly, she probably would have told me by now.

Johanna and I talked about this and the differences in our journals. Where she very consciously writes to and for an audience, I write to an audience but for myself. Still, this newest revelation gave me something to think about.

I often talk with Patrick, Michael and Michael. I occassional sent or receive messages from Heather, Mike, Horus and Scott. I enjoy these conversations and touching of lives from far off. They are actually very valuable to me as we discuss each other's journals... the problems, the victories, the losses therein. But, as these friends are far away, there is a sense of safety. I don't have to face them without the protection of a screen.

OK. I've given this some thought. Johanna and I were discussing things and she suggested that maybe I should ask everyone who I know on a face-to-face level who is reading this journal to drop me and email to let me know that they are doing so. At first, I thought 'definitely yes.'

Now, I'm not so sure.

So, I've come up with a compromise.

1. If you are a friend of mine, who I am on a face-to-face level with, and YOU think that I should know that you are reading my online journal, drop me a line.

2. If you work with me, or even think you work with me, please email me and let me know.

(Exempt because I already know about you: Greg, David, Johanna.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Well, I use your journal as a 'Jen-Barometer.' I know what I should and should not mention around you." Johanna to me on our discussion about online journals.

Been thinking a lot lately about BDSM. Mostly because I have the urge to be masochistic and have a Dom I know beat me into a wet noodle. This has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with pain, processing pain, endorphins and attention.

There has been some stress in my life recently. Not a 'lot' but enough that it has been building slowly but surely. This weekend's vicious mood swing was a result of that. I'm sure of it. I've been slowly collecting this stress, piece by piece and hoarding it as if it were something valuable. I don't know why. It's just something I do.

That's why I think I need/want a beating (IE: Flogging, paddling). I know that sounds so strange to someone who has no idea or no use for BDSM. I don't fault those people. BDSM is definitely not for everyone. But, what I would get out of it ... it is a myriad of levels that I can't really explain.

... A sense of care as the Dom tears me down and then builds me back up again.

There are so many different layers of need and trust between a Dom and a sub. It goes both ways, too. It is consentual. It is built on mutual wants. There is a certain sense of vulnerability when you lay yourself open before someone and say, "Do with me as you will." For me, there is a sense of recklessness, too.

I want it. I know I do.

Now, do I have the courage to go out and admit it to someone?

I don't know. It's been a long time.

---

First Tatttoo On my left ankle	Second Tattoo On my sternum	Third Tattoo On my lower back

My tattoos. Thanks to Brian for the use of his digital camera for the last two tattoos. I just realized something... I can't put my tattoos on my website because my Mom reads my site but doesn't know that I have tattoos. *hrm* What a way for her to find out. Awww, man. What am I going to do?

---

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Never underestimate the power of comfortable shoes.

It's official. I have been spoiled rotten by the carpool lane. Casey and I have been carpooling for the last 3 weeks or so. It's been very, very nice. Yesterday morning, Casey calls and tells me that he is running late and won't be ready until 9-9:30. Meaning, he was going to go back to bed for a bit. So, I decide to drive in at my 'normal' time anyway. *oy* The traffic SUCKED!

The ironic thing about this whole situation is that at 7am, when my alarm was going off for the 3rd or 4th time, I seriously considered calling Casey and telling him that I was running late and that I'll either be there at 9 or I'd drive myself to work. But, no. I convinced myself that I should be a good girl and dragged my (un)happy ass out of bed. I was still in my towel, wet hair streaming down my back when Casey called. And much too much awake to go back to bed for another hour.

Ah, well. Such is life.

I finally got my ring from an eBay auction. It's really cool and unique. Casey clued me into the fact that it was actually a signet ring for making seals in sealing wax. The intials are "SA" or "AS." I'm not sure. I find myself wanting to know more about this particular signet ring. I want to know its' history. How old it is. Unfortunately, I have no clue on how to go about researching it. Any ideas?

I suppose that I could say it is Adam Sinclair's ring. (The protagonist in the Adept series by Kathrine Kurtz.)

Wow. Da boss was in a HORRIBLE mood. I don't think I have ever seen him so grumpy. *whew* Time to duck and cover. I put my headphones on when he started cursing under his breath. Then, 10 minutes later, he came to talk to me. We discussed some work related issues. Then, I said something about needing nerf balls to toss at one another and then next thing I knew, I had a gripball paddle in one hand and a tennis ball in the other.

(For those of you who don't know, a gripball paddle is basically an 8 inch round disk with velcro on one side and a handle on the other. When the tennis ball is tossed at you, you put the gripball paddle out to catch it. The tennis ball sticks to it.)

So, I ended up playing gripball with my boss in the middle of cave for about 15 minutes. We both were laughing by the end of it. It was kind of fun and got the boss out of a bad mood - at least for a little bit.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "I gotta be a good girl...." -me

Well, I paid my math tax yesterday. "A math tax?" you ask. Yep. I played the Super Lotto. My friends and I call it the 'math tax' because we all know our chances of winning are so infinitesimally small that it is laughable to even try.

Still, when Johanna mentioned that the lottery was $80+ million, I just couldn't resist. Especially after she and I spent a good 20 minutes discussing what we would do with that kind of money - which figured out to just about $2 million/year for 26 years (not that we were counting or anything).

I know what I would do. I have a myriad of ideas. Some fantasical, some mundane. Here is the audience participation portion of the journal.

1. Who are the first three people you would notify if you won the lottery?
2. What are the first three mundane things you would buy?
3. What are the first three frivolous things you would buy?
4. Now that you are independantly wealthy, what would be your main long term goal?

My Answers:
1. Who are the first three people you would notify if you won the lottery?
- Assuming I didn't squeal out loud and notify everyone in the area, I would first notify my Mom, my Dad and my housemate.

2. What are the first three mundane things you would buy?
- A new computer desk.
- A new computer chair.
- A new car.

3. What are the first three frivolous things you would buy?
- Jewelry - some pretty, sparkly, shiny things.
- Artwork from Jeffrey Bedrick.
- A couple of LARGE amethyst geodes.

4. Now that you are independantly wealthy, what would be your main long term goal(s)?
- Build my "Castle in the City."
- Become a Published Author.
- Travel the world.

*****

Did I win? No. But, I did get to fantasize for a time. Maybe I should call it my 'fantasy tax.'

What a condesending website! Y2K for Women. I can hardly believe it was written by a woman for women. It is patronizing and actually incorrect in spots. Also, I feel like I've walked backwards in time - women are in charge of the home and they are supposed to care for the family and deal with household crisises but, leave the guns to the men! Also, this site smacks of sensationalism and panic herding - all in order to sell this woman's products. I swear, she gives women a bad name!

I suppose that she could mean well, but still, this website left a BAD taste in my mouth.

I worked on my Elizabeth stuff last night. I finally finished vignette 11 in Thoughts in Gray. (A series of short musings of the various personalities living in Elizabeth's head.) Only "Voices of the Past, Hearts of Desire" is left now. That one is a very recent, based in the past year of Elizabeth's life.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Cupped in her hand, she opens the folds of silk to reveal something to her eyes alone. A soft smile touches her lips as a soft glow of light emerges from the black silk to dance across her face in a myriad of muted rainbow colors. She stares at her hidden treasure for a long moment, seemingly lost in thought." -me

For a brief moment, I hit "petulant child mode" yesterday as I read Johanna's journal. No. No. Not over anything bad. Just over her getting her tattoo. I really wanted to be there and for her to get her tattoo at my tattoo place, Tattoos by Advance. Unfortunately, Advance (Yes, that's the name he goes by) was booked on Saturday - and that's when Johanna just -HAS- to get her tattoo... *grin* (Said in a teasing voice for those of you who don't know me.)

Now, I have these thoughts ("Advance takes a check..." "Advance lets you sit right there if you need hand-holding...") running through my head. Essentially, it's boiling down to an extremely petulant:

"My tattoo artist is better that your tattoo artist!"

"Confessions" are starting to trickle in here and there... (Hi Nick! When are we going to start seeing your journal?) It's funny. I'm getting: "I have a confession to make... I read your journal." *smile* I'm glad he told me. So, anymore out there that I ought to know about?

GREAT College game last night. Unfortunately, I shot myself in the foot and painted myself into a corner. I have started a plotline that has at least three different endings - and one of them might interfer with one of Rich's plotlines. So, I'm not sure where I'm going to go with it. Gotta talk to Rich.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "He's dag nasty evil. They feel it, why can't you?"

Woke up yesterday morning with my eyes feeling funky. It was weird. I stumbled to the bathroom, wincing at the bright light and looked in the mirror. To my horror, I looked like a frog with both eyes swollen almost shut and what I could see of my eyes was blood red. The only thing that stopped me from completely freaking out was the fact that my eyes didn't hurt at all. So, I called Casey, told him I was taking a sick day and went back to bed. When I got up a couple hours later, my eyes were still swollen and not nearly as bad. So, cold wash rags and sitting up. Took a while but, I was able to move about decently without being blind.

Weird and a little worrisome. I -think- it was an allergic reaction to something. I don't know what, though.

Had one of those *weird* dreams yesterday, too. It was a futuristic, ShadowRun-like world. I dreamed to my company was being hostilely taken over by another company called: MAXIM MRAM. There were people shooting and dying all over the place. I was the one main defender of my area, but in the end, we were over run.

The woman who captured my area gave everyone a choice - join MAXIM MRAM or die. I immediately instructed everyone to join. She singled me out has having prior military experience - which I admitted to. She was pleased to have me join them.

Of course, I did this only to buy time. Somehow, Jack, (one of the IT guys at S-S) figured out what I was doing and gave me three days to come around to MAXIM's side. I didn't and there was a grand chase scene through this arcology that involved a lot of running, motorcycles - which I didn't know how to ride and a few explosions.

Such an odd dream

I want to scream! *ARGH* Serious frustration abounds!

Two things have gone wrong - first, my damned Eudora (with my work email) is NOT sending out my email. Thus, I got a confused phone call from my boss asking me where I was. He didn't get the email. (Yet, when I send it to my personal address, it works fine.) Then, he reminds me that there is a big POC lunch celebration and plaque presentation today - including pictures, which I will not be a part of. (And even if I went into today, I'd look like a freaking frog!) *sigh*

Then, I installed Visual Basic on my computer and lovely fucking MicroSoft has a new "Feature" that no longer allows me to open html files in Text mode. This is a major pain in the ass for those people, like me, who simply want to code their website by hand. *dammit*snarl*growl* I am just fucking furious over this! (As if you couldn't tell.)

My father actually sent me a joke via email. I find this highly amusing. The joke was good but the amusing part to me is that my father is now into emailing jokes. This is the same man who was afraid of his own home computer less than a year ago. Times are a-changing.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "He was my evil twin in another body. If he was destined to destroy the world, I would be the guy who had to stop him." Mike about a long forgotten rival.

I am heartbroken. He died...

I have been reading the graphic novels of "Sanctuary" by Sho Fumimura and Ryoichi Ikegami. There are nine graphic novels. It is one of the most incredible comic stories I have ever read. Here's the blurb on it:

"Two handsome, ruthless young men vow to transform the destiny of Japan, by any means! As children, Hojo and Asami survived the horrors of the Cambodian killing fields together. Now, are they powerful enough to rise to the top of both the Japanese Parliament and the brutal yakuza crime syndicate? This erotically charged political thriller has uncannily prophetic parallels to real-life scandals in Japan!"
-Quoted from the back of the book"

One of my all time FAVORITE characters in the series dies at the end of the last novel. I was literally crying as I read it. *sigh* It made me very sad for the next couple of hours.

You know, it is a really good story that makes you feel what the characters are feeling. Then again, it might be just me. Books will put me in the happiest, saddest, angriest, fearful moods. Interrupting my reading in an angry or sad or frightening part is often a BADTHING(tm). I generally stay mad/sad/paranoid for at least an hour.

I had my Diablo's Children game last night... I have to admit, I'm getting really, really tired of the bloody "Ring" plotline. I spent half the night being threatened and half the running around like a chicken with my head chopped off. And, towards the end of the night, Nick says, "Oh, you weren't supposed find to the Ring tonight." I thought I was going to strangle him then and there.

After that, me, Alex and Logan hit a major apathic low. We just sat around and talked. I mean, I'm ready for Delphi to have to sacrifice herself to toss the ring back into the Fire of Creation. *hmmm* That might be a good way to have Delphi leave. A heroic death to save the rest.

I know as soon as the Ring thing is done, Delphi (me) , Julian (Logan) and Nigel (Alex) are high-tailing it the hell out of the area. I've put forth the idea that perhaps the three of us could come back as a coterie. And, I know Brook has to have a new character. Maybe a coterie of Catiff... *hmm* something to think about.

Oh, yes! Johanna's tattoos and hair look FABULOUS! Enough so that I'm thinking of an Eye of Horus for somewhere on me... maybe. And the color and cut of her hair makes her look more like my sister. *grin*

OK... OK... So, I admit that there are other good tattoo artists in the world. *hehehehe*

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Just give us the ring or kill us! At this point, I don't care which." Me, backed up by Alex and Logan to Nick, the GM

I was sitting there, messing around on the computer when I heard it. I stopped. There it was again. What was that noise? Then again. I stood straight up. It was woman's voice - a cry of pain? I walked out of my room, heart pounding and heard a loud sob. It was coming from within the house. I crept down the hall, not sure of what I would see.

Then, I saw them in the kitchen. Donna on her knees with her son holding her. She sobbed again - a sound of utter anguish. I was frozen there. I didn't know what to do. They had their backs to me as Donna cried and Scott held her. I tried to ask what was wrong but I had no voice. Finally, I crept back to my room with a lump in my throat, sensing it was a family moment. And even though I had lived with them for over 2 years, I wasn't family.

An hour later, I came out. They were still in the kitchen. I paused at the door. Donna looked up at me, tears on her face. Scott whispered. "Grandma died." All I could do was hug Donna for a long moment and offer my assistance in any way she needed.

Then, I got a soda and headed back to my room, thinking about how hard she had been trembling. I can't imagine how I would feel if my mom died.

I think I'll call her.

Ohhh! I am massively grumpy now. I called my mom's house and a stranger answered the phone! It was Lynda, the real estate lady. They are holding an open house today, so Mom, Dad and puppies are out. Not the thing I wanted to hear when I'm feeling insecure and want to talk to my mom. Especially when I call home and can't even ask for "Mom."

*snarl* *grump* *growl* I want my MOM!

Had a pretty good game last night in Bedlam's Rest. A really good example of "pissy Elder dick measuring contests." There was a LOT of roleplaying. I think I accomplished a lot as Elizabeth, only I could not really tell you what, save the 'official' formation of the "Triad" or "Trinity" - an alliance/coterie between the Brujah Primogen, the Nosferatu Primogen and Elizabeth. Be afraid. Be very afriad. (And, of course, for those of you in the game and reading this - that is not public knowledge.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Yes, the attitude and personalities of the Gods of old where often akin to those of spoiled children." Rebecca to Elizabeth.

On Sunday, at the Bedlam's Rest game, I was a bit surprised to have Dale just walk up at start chatting with me. Before then, he had been a bit stand-offish and quiet. Not on Sunday. We talked about gaming, The Matrix and Babylon 5. The first time he did it, I thought it was just because he and I were the first ones at the LARP location. But then, later, he came up and chatted with me before the game. Then again, during the game.

It was really pretty cool. I used to think that he hated me or that I made him uncomfortable. I guess I have reached that place where I am no longer a danger and worthy to talk to. *grin* In any case, it was a pleasant surprise.

OK. I have been thinking about Diachi WAY TOO MUCH! I dreamed in character again... or maybe, it's better said, I dreamed about my character and the current (never ending) plotline.

I dreamed that we were at one of the gatherings. Everyone looked like I picture them in my mind, so it was like watching a movie. We had gotten to the point in the Ring plotline where the ring was revealed and the person who had it was going to give it to Delphi. But, as it was the ONE Ring, it was coveted by many and several people made a grab for it as it was given to Delphi. There was a tussle and Delphi ended up on her knees, curled about the ring as the others fought above her.

That was when the idea hit Delphi. She put the One Ring in her mouth and swallowed it, then dropped another one of her gold rings, crying out, "The Ring!" and scrambling after it. Of course, that set off a series of manuveres to get the\T ring. At the same time, Delphi mentally projected to Julian, "Get me out of here, now!" So Julian and Nigel grab Delphi out of the HUGE battle for the Ring and take off at inhuman speeds.

I'm not sure how the group got to Mount Diable but the next scene was there with Julian and Nigel fighting off icky things as Delphi climbed to the edge of the Fires of Creation, intending to throw the ring in (as she needed to). The Ring would not allow her to get it out of her tummy - promising her all sorts of power and wealth. Also, somewhere in there, the Nine Riders showed up while Nigel and Julian were fighting. Several had surrounded Delphi, intending to capture her and thus the ring.

Suddenly, Max pops up in Hoard Form (12 feet tall of pure nastiness) and starts fighting the Black Knights (9 Riders). At this point, Delphi realizes that the only way to destroy the Ring, as it will not leave her body, is to sacrifice herself. It became very dramatic in that dream-like way with Delphi mentally telling Julian good-bye and asking him to tell her Sire what happened to her.

Then, there was that neat slow motion sequence where Julian and Nigel turn to see Delphi about to leap into the Fires of Creation, knowing they can't reach her in time, yelling "NOOOOO!" and "DELPHI!!" She leaps but Max, in all his hoard-form-tentacle-ickiness, is able to throw out a tentacle and catch Delphi by the wrist. So, she's dangling over what could be called a volcano as Max is still fighting the Riders and now, the Ring is burning a hole out of Delphi's tummy to escape.

The last bit is confusing. What I remember is that the Ring burned its way out of the her tummy but she catchs it in her hand. Max is dangling her over the fires. The battle is waging on. Then, in a supreme act of will, Delphi casts the Ring into the Fires of Creation and there is a HUGE explosion. I'm not sure if Max pull her out of the way or if the explosion blew her out of the way. But the last thing I remember is Julian, Nigel, Delphi and Max (in his human guise), sprawled on the ground from the explosion looking like hell and a little befuddled.

Both Max and Julian speak just before I wake up but I don't remember what either says.

The next three days are a PERL programming class for Novices... oh joy, oh joy. Funny, I want to be a career student but I bitch every time I have a class to take. I suppose it's because these aren't classes I really *want* to take.

At least, I've gotten a couple of my Visual Basic assignments done. 2 down, 13 to go.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Yes, I'm a member of the upright dead. I pay my taxes. I vote..." Dale to me and Johanna during the LARP on Sunday night.

I did something that I haven't done in years...

I went to sleep with the lights on because I was afraid of the dark.

It's my own darned fault. I got home from Rob and Lisa's about 10:30pm, thinking that I needed to be sure that all the doors were locked and the lights out because Donna and Scott weren't going to be around for a while.

Went to bed at 11pm - a nice 'decent' hour to get to sleep to be refreshed for my class in the morning. But, as I'm lying there in bed, I think I hear a noise and then I notice the light under the door. Didn't I turn out the hall light? I was sure I had. I'm squeezing Rufus to me, wondering if I should get up and look when I remember I never got my bat back from Angie. ... and the phone is in the den. So, it anyone is there, meaning to do me harm, I am screwed 6 ways from Sunday.

I decide to ignore the light and pretend all is well. That lasts all of 3 minutes. Then, I go creeping up to the door and listen. Nothing. Open the door. The hallway light is on. I'm still sure I turned it off. I crept down the hall, now clutching my phone in hand... (I'm not sure what for. Speed dial 911?) Nothing. I check all the doors, all the rooms and there is nothing.

Only now, I am WIDE FRICKIN' AWAKE. There is no way I'm going back to sleep. I ponder who to call. No one comes to mind. So, I pop online and chat with a few friends but most everyone is in bed - like I should be, but can't because I spooked myself. I even pinged Brian, but alas, he was only logged in and no where near the computer. (I tell ya, I could have used the company of a Viking-throwback.)

Then, I end up on ICQ, talking to Rich. He's one of my friends who is physically closest to me - being about 2 miles away. I tell him what happened and what's up. We have a really good talk about it, giggle a little. He admitted that he gets spooked sometimes. That's when he suggested that I get my headphones, my favorite music and go back to bed, leaving the lights on.

I hemmed and hawed about it. He asked me, "What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"Me, being murdered in my sleep.... or me waking up feeling sheepish and silly in the morning." I told him.

"You may feel silly but I'm the only one who knows and I won't tell anyone. I promise. Go on, you will feel better."

*smile* So, I did. Rich is a darned good friend... Back to bed, music and lights... and he was right. I did feel better, even if I did laugh at myself in the morning.

Had my PERL class. It's pretty interesting. In fact, the only thing really holding me back is the guy that I'm partnered with, whome I will politely refer to as 'Numbnuts.' (Trust me - 'Numbnuts' IS nice and polite considering all of the other thoughs running through my head.)

Numbnuts has NO programming background at all. I have no idea why he is in the class. He is a slow learner and has a hard time comprending that a '{' is an opening bracket of a function and therefore must have a '}' to close the function. He also can't understand why PERL is case sensitive - and caused me to beat my head against a wall for 15 minutes during a lab trying to figure out what he had done wrong - which was to capitalize a 'print' statement. *grump*

I am REALLY trying to be patient. I am. But he is not helping at all. He brags that he is a QA Engineer and thinks he is hot stuff - until I start asking him EASY QA questions about procedures and processes. I finally just left it alone to see if I couldn't help him understand the programming better. I explain everything I've done for a lab - trying to see if he gets it.

He doesn't.

And I have two more days of this. *sigh*

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "A friend helps you move. A REAL friend helps you move bodies." - T-shirt of the Day.

Continued on with my PERL class. Numbnuts showed up an hour late (dumb thing to do in a 3 day class) - just late enough for me to think, "Great! I get the computer to myself!" and then see him walk in. *screw* In any case, I am really liking PERL. You learn a little, you can do a little. You learn a little more, you can do a little more. You learn some more, you can do a lot!

(Unlike a programming language like C where: You learn a little, you can do almost nothing. You learn a little more, you can still do almost nothing. You learn a lot more, you can do a little.)

Numbnuts is no longer even pretending to know what's going on. I'm doing all the labs and he's copying my work. No big deal. It just means that I am forced to learn and show that I *AM* learning this program. Not a bad thing for me when I will be using this in my work environment pretty darned soon.

Robert had to cancel out on me for dinner. *pooh* And I've been craving China Chili darnit! He should blow off work and have dinner with me! I'm more important!

(*Turns off the petulant mode*)

He and I will get together for dinner next week, hopefully.

So, I went and had dinner with Greg and David - finally trying out the new Pho place called, "Pho Long." Cute name. *Good* food. It was very inexpensive, too. (Pho usually is inexpensive.)

Watched Crusade, too. It has potential, feeling much like a series trying to ramp up to something interesting, but giving one a bit of a feel for each of the characters involved. I like the two main characters I saw. Galen, the Techomage, is intriguing. The plotline was predictable and filled with JMS' imfamous moralizing, but I was still amused. More than anything else, I got the sense that I can't wait to see what these characters will do in the future.

It wasn't stellar, like Babylon 5, but I'm willing to keep watching.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You just might be a geek if you find it highly amusing to see a VW Bug with the license plate: FEATURE.
(Referring to.... Gosh, if I have to explain it, you aren't a geek and it isn't funny.)

Hi everyone! My PERL class is done and I'm fairly excited to see how I can use this in my job. I have to admit, I do like this programming language. I know I swore that I would hate it. Ah, well. Live and learn. Now, I need to get the O'Riley "Camel" book.

Oh, yeah. Numbnuts showed up 40 minutes late again. I have no idea why he came to the class at all. All he did was annoy me. "You forgot your semi-colon."

When I shot back, "Do you want to do this?" (Because he hadn't touched the lab keyboard in 2 1/2 days.) He just sniffed and said, "Oh, don't be so sensitive!" Then, he giggled.

I tell ya, it took EVERY ounce I had within me not to wring his scrawy neck.... but that didn't stop me from erasing all of my programs from the lab computer as soon as I had a print out of them. *grin* He had been planning just to take my programs home with him. So much for that thought, Bucko!

Ever since Johanna put up her journal, I've discovered that more and more of my face-to-face friends are starting to read my journal. Mostly because Johanna doesn't hide her journal and it links to mine. This isn't really a problem, but it is leading to some 'interesting' situations.

First situation, I'm now having people say to me: "Please don't put this in your journal." about things that I probably would write about otherwise. It is... I don't know, annoying/irritating/concerning for someone to make me censor my journal. But, I feel that I should abide by their wishes. They are my friends after all.

The other situation is that -I- am starting to censor myself, afraid that I might say the wrong thing and piss someone off. You all know that I put my heart on my sleeve when I write. I bitch. I get over it. (It's catharic.) I gush and am happy. (Sharing the happiness.) I am frightened. (Sharing the emotions... ) And, I am very intimate in my journal. I don't want to lose that part of me or of my journal.

I just don't really know what to do.

Casey has just appointed me his webmistress for his new double werewolf/vampire LARP: Borders. So, you all are going to start hearing about that soon. I'll probably play a vampire cause I don't really like werewolf.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Sometimes, I am strange and callous." -Willow, Buffy, The Vampire Slayer.

Friday was one long dull day. Didn't do much at all. Mostly, I email roleplayed back and forth with Rich. Yes. I avoided work like the plague. So, sorry, not much of interest to talk about.

However... I did join:

A neat webring/webclik with a *classy* looking website. It made me smile a lot. I joined it because I *love* Qui Gon Jinn.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "The ability to speak does not make you intelligent." - Qui Gon Jin, from Star Wars: The Phantom Menance.

Sunday. Yesterday was completely taken up with playing Rich's fantasy game, Sekt Valir. The game is played only once a month or so and thus, is a marathon session - 2pm to 2am. I don't remember the last time I roleplayed in a single game for that long... Perhaps in college when I was young, stupid and invincible. *grin*

It was a good game. I wasn't bored at all. That's pretty amazing for a 12 hour stretch. Rich broke the game up in to little vignettes. I liked that.

Loaned a small amount of money to friend in need yesterday. It was something I could easily do and it was a definite need for them. In truth, I don't expect to be paid back. It will be nice if they do but I'm not expecting it.

Why didn't I just give the money to them? Pride. They would not have accepted it that way. I respect this. So, I said it was a loan. If I get paid back, good. If not, no skin off my nose. I follow my internal, "Never loan out something that you cannot live without."

So far, I've done well by it.

What a lazy day. There are no movies I want to watch. I can't get myself back into writing for the moment. I don't really know what I want to do. Doesn't that suck?

All this 'free' time and no idea on what to do with it. Relaxing would be a good idea but I don't really know how to do that. Or, rather, I'm not really in the mood to 'relax.'

*hmm*

I was going to wax poetic on the subject but I'm not in the mood.

I think I'll give Johanna a call.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Never a borrower nor a lender be."

I spent the whole afternoon with Johanna mall wandering. I was looking for jewelry for Elizabeth as well as just getting out of the house. I enjoyed looking at stuff from Imposters and ended up buying Babylon 5 tapes and Blade, starting Wesley Snipes from Suncoast.

Then, we had dinner with Alex, chatting all about life, movies, gaming and Michael Douglas. You know, the usual stuff. Johanna did surprise me a lot by asking me to play a particular role in her new LARP: Aragon. It's going to be a MET game. Should be interesting.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "At least, now things will settle down." - G'Kar.