June 2007

June 02: Movie Moments
June 15: 18 Months
June 25: Hitting this Milestone like a Brick Wall

June 2

Movie Moments
I have just ended my fifth month of my Writing Sabbatical Year. Let's see where my Year-to-Date report card is:

Submissions: 25 of 60+ (on track)

New Short Stories: 14 of 24+ (ahead)

Freaky Friday Fictions: 23 of 50+ (on track)

Books read: 10 of 24+ (ahead)

Novel #2 word count: Outlined (behind)

Novel #2 needs some explanation. I've been struggling with Novel #2 for most of May (when I wasn't traveling). I trashed it once and restarted it but the restart did not take. It was the major thing I was noodling over on my road trip down to California and Bay Con. What should I do about it? Why was it being so difficult to start? Was there something else I should be doing instead?

After about 10 hours of driving and pondering, the answer was abundantly clear to me as I yanked my mind off of my proposed fantasy trilogy and back onto the young adult book for the zillionth time. My heart wasn't in it. I didn't have a deadline for it. I didn't have anyone waiting for it. I had already proven to myself (and the world?) that I could write a novel (and many short stories/vignettes) in this Writing Year sabbatical and I really should make my next book be something that I am interested in and passionate about.

So, I'm trashing my young adult book altogether and am starting the first in my fantasy series called "A Thief's Mistake" AKA "ATM" AKA "Novel #2." There was such a sense of relief once I made that decision it wasn't funny. From there, my muse was off and running. While at Bay Con, I outlined the first book of the Sovella-Dever trilogy and did a bunch of world creation (Lands, religious pantheon and named everything I could think of so I wouldn't stumble over the story, thwarted by a name.) This is what I will be working on from now on.

In a writing sense, I have reset myself, my goals, my expectations and my writing. I think I needed to. Just before I left for Bay Con, I paid bills and took a look at everything. It is all on target. I'm not overspending. I am exactly where I planned to be. But, damn, it is hard to deal with sometimes. I keep feeling like I'm digging myself deeper and deeper in debt. I know I'm not but my inner miser is having a field day.

To add insult to injury, I am dealing with two other unexpected emotions: Guilt and loss. I feel somewhat guilty about staying home to write. This is probably because I haven't finished anything except FFF and TEoP over the last month. I'm not feeling as productive as I could be. It's not like I'm staying home and eating bon-bons or anything like that but I don't know. I am still dealing with this weird sense of guilt. Also, I've discovered that I really miss testing. I miss the corporate environment (insane, I know) and I miss not having a product to work on. Maybe I'm missing the control of being a QA tester. Who knows? I know I will go back to testing after this Writing Year is done.

I've been thinking about what I wrote above about feeling guilty. It's weird to feel guilty for being so damn happy. I've been stupidly happy for weeks now. I mean, we're talking "satin hearts, rainbows, silly grins and kisses" kind of happy. It's not just the writing or the guy or the house or the various future plans I have. I think it's a combination of all of it.

All my life, I have noted certain moments in time that I consider "movie moments." These are the moments that stand out in a movie that you remember over and over. When I had a bad date and left, I drove home, listening to a particular song that was just so perfect for that fucked up moment that all I could thing about was what the musical montage of the scene would be like: Him at home, cleaning up, pissed off and upset sliced in-between scenes of me driving home, looking upset but firm. When I figured out that I could afford my Writing Year, I had the "dancing around the house in glee" movie moment, followed by the "can I really do this?" fear moment.

More and more, I've been having the sappy and smitten movie moments. To the point that, in one particular post coital moment with my guy, sharing some favorite ice cream we call Crack (Cinnamon Dulce De Leche) out of the pint container intermingled with ice cream kisses, I commented to him, "I think we are having a romantic movie moment." We both thought about it and agreed that it was indeed a movie moment.

It is strange to discover that parts of my life have become stereotypical movie moments in that way that almost "never" actually happens but most people wish it would. It is odd to realize that some things are a stereotype because, sometimes, they really do happen just like they do in the movies. I don't mind having these movie moments. In fact, I rather like them in an observant author surreal "you can't make this shit up" kind of way.

I am definitely not regretting my Writing Year. I knew it wouldn't be easy and it isn't. Part of me wants to rest on my laurels of the first book. Part of me wants to cut the year short and go back to the rat race now. Part of me wants to slap the rest of me around and tell me to shut up, sit down and get writing.

Guess which part of me is going to win.

Tarot Card for the Day: Judgment, Inverted

June 15

18 Months
It always amazes me when someone congratulates me on the longevity of a project. Most of the time, this is because I can't see the forest because of the trees. This month marks one and a half years of The Edge of Propinquity in publication. I have been so focused on getting this issue out that I completely forgot that it was the 18 month mark for the webzine and that is worthy of a celebration.

I am really proud of what this project of mine has become. It is a professional quality zine that pays semi-pro rates. I've hit over the 100 submissions mark this last week and many people enjoy the fiction that me and my authors put out each month. Here's a toast to my authors and my photographer. Thanks for all the hard work.

Novel #2 is chugging along. Not as fast as Novel #1 did but it is started and I'm finishing up chapter 2 now. We are starting to get into the meat of the novel. I'm pleased at how it is going. I've shared a snippet with some friends and all of them are creeped out by it. I consider this a win.

I have kittens again! This time it is a very young mother cat (who is barely more than a kitten herself) and three 2 week old babies (Lambda, Iota, Xi). I've never had baby kittens this young before so everyone is getting to see me in hyper-worry mode all the time with this batch of kittens. Especially when it seems that the smallest is having trouble finding momma cat's nipples for feeding.

So, I've now gotten some KMR formula and I'm going to start feeding at least Iota once or twice a day. Lambda and Xi both seem to be doing well at over 10 oz. Iota is only 8 oz. They have all been sexed, too. Lambda is the boy. Iota and Xi are girls. All of them are super cute and squeaky. They all are going to break my heart. I can tell.

Momma cat is slowly... slowly... warming up to me. I think I need to bribe her more. She seems to be a fan of the KMR milk. So I'll be mixing it in with her gushy food and I'll make sure to feed her some whenever I feed Iota. I figure in about a week or so, she will finally trust me enough to start coming to me instead of me having to dig her out of some place in the kitten room.

So, yes. My life is now revolving around baby kittens again.

Now that I've got a guy to worry about catching in my emotional shrapnel, I'm paying a lot more attention to my moods and mood swings. When I can tell my hormones are swinging out of whack, I let him know it is happening and I keep a tighter reign on things.

Aside: You gotta love a guy who says, "I still love you." when you warn him about impending PMS and immediately wants to buy you chocolate because he remembers what that entry of his "Care and Feeding" manual for me says about Jenn and PMS.

But, I digress. Keeping a tighter watch on my emotions has let me become immediately aware of emotional eating urges. I'm learning what they feel like and how the 'head hunger' differs from 'body hunger.' Some days, I wonder if I'm ever going to get to stop learning about myself and my foibles. Probably not. I'm a quirky sort of gal. Lots of flaws. Lots of coping mechanisms for these flaws.

Tarot Card for the Day: The World

June 25

Hitting this Milestone like a Brick Wall
I'm ending the sixth month of my writing year and I've hit a milestone I had hoped not to hit ever again in my life. I paid bills this morning and, for the first time since I started living a debt-free lifestyle (no debts except house and car payments), I had to look at the last two bills on my desk, look at when they were each due and make the choice of which one I would pay right now and which one I would pay when next month's money comes in.

For those of you who have known me for years and years, you know what this is doing to me. The money is there and I could have it kick in now, six days early but I cannot - not if I'm going to live by the rules I set for myself for this Writing Year. Discipline is key for me for this year; both productivity-wise and financially. I must remain disciplined to succeed. If I break one rule now, it could become that pebble that breaks all of the rest. So, I'm not kicking in that money early but it is killing me inside. My inner miser is alternating between emo mode and rant mode.

I actually looked at my list of people I have loaned money to in the past to see if I could ask any of them if they could start paying me back. However, looking at that list, not a single one of them is in any better shape than when I originally loaned them that money in the first place. Some are in worse shape.

To make matters worse, a friend is in need of financial help and I had started off the morning paying my bills so I could determine how much I could send to them to help out. It hurts bad that I have discovered that I cannot afford to send them anything at all. Part of me keeps thinking that they were counting on me. Part of me is hoping that they weren't. But, I'm the friend that people know they can turn to. Even though they did not specifically ask me for help personally, I feel like I'm letting them down anyway.

I'm having a really hard time with this. On top of it all, I want to shower my SO with baubles and nice dinners and trips and flowers and gifts - none of which I can really do in the manner I would like. Thus, I've been showing my affection and admiration in all of the little ways I can - supporting him with his dance stuff, helping him out, giving him massages and other little things like that. These are things I would do anyway but I wish I could do more.

All of this is making me want to give up the rest of my Writing Year and go back to work as an engineer. It would be the safer, more financially comfortable way. But, the creative me is railing at the idea of this. "You promised me a year. A whole year!" I knew this Writing Year would not be easy. I knew I would have money constraints. I knew all of this but I forgot what the emotional impact on me would be.

So, now, I remember it all. I remember what it was like to have to ask my mom to help buy me groceries. I never asked my parents for money but I did have to ask for help. I remember what it was like to work overtime at SEGA because I needed the money and because whenever I did, they would feed me. I would get the largest TOGO's sandwich (like all of the guys would) but I would only eat half of it because I wanted to be able to meat at home. I remember the hard parts and making choices between wants and needs.

I have not had to do any of that in years and I'm rebelling against the very idea of it. I'm trying to reassure myself that everything will be OK. Logically, I know it will be. I will not be poor forever. I will not struggle for the rest of my life. It will be fine. Emotionally, I'm running around in circles in a panic. So, I'm writing my demons of insecurity out here and hoping by talking about it, they will settle down. That my inner miser will realize that it will all be OK. Honestly.

Once this Writing Year is over, I will have at least three "get out of jail (debt) free" cards I can play. I know this. I just have to hold onto my confidence for a few more months more and give myself the time I promised to me. I can do that. I have to do that. Otherwise I will be resentful of myself and my cowardice for the rest of my life.

Tarot Card for the Day: World, Inverted

Continue on to: JULY 2007
(Created by JLB)