June 2003

45 Days Left

I have a final calendar now. I have this habit of creating organizational aides when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Something to help me keep track of the many things I need to keep up with. Sometimes, they are simple checklists. Sometimes, they are full on spread sheets - like what I've done for house hunting in Seattle. This one, the final calendar, is a calendar grid from now until July 19th. It is supposed to keep track of my social calendar and important event dates - like when Yony walks, when I return kittens, when I go to Seattle house hunting, Girl's Night Out, etc....

I feel weird having this calendar. It is both soothing with its organizational aspects and panic inducing with its reminder of just how little time I have to get my entire life together. At the same time, I'm planning the rest of my social life down here. Trying to figure out how I'm going to put it all together while allowing me the time I really need to pack and clean. This thing is supposed to help me remember to breathe. Sometimes, it over does it and makes me hyperventilate.

It's funny the myriad of emotions a simple document can create in me, depending on my mood at the time. One time, I'll look at the calendar and feel a sense of anticipation, wonder and excitement at my new life to come. Another time, I'll look at it and tears will spring to my eyes at the life I'm leaving behind. Sometimes, it is just an analytical process of looking to see if I've missed anything that needs to be noted.

Maybe I should make encouraging notes on it to remind me to breathe.

The kittens have reached "furry balls of destruction" mode now. They are so cute and playful. Still shy of strangers, though. They are still figuring out the litter box. I think we are pretty much set at this point. I hope. Things are getting a bit smelly in the vanity area. Not as bad as it could be... but not as good either.

At five and a half weeks, the babies still have a hard time with their vision and coordination. They give it a good go, though, doggedly tripping over themselves and the floor trying to get to a slow moving string. Also, they seem to do better when they play with each other. Suddenly, they zip about, arch and pounce. They are really adorable when they do that.

One of the cuter things they do - mostly Pinky and Clyde who are clearly the two in contention for alpha - is attack my feet. What they do is stalk the foot, run over and swat it once with a fierce paw then do the back-up shuffle until they decide my foot needs another swatting. I'm not sure where they learned this behavior but I find it too adorable for words.

I love it when a plan comes together. My beloved was out of town this past weekend. So, I figured it would be a perfect time for me to organize a surprise graduation gift for him while he was out of the house. Enlisting in the help many of our friends and his roomie (very important), we managed to get him a gift of something he has been wanting ever since I met him.

It was a beautiful, stand-alone wrought iron mirror that everyone has decided would make a perfect magic/portal mirror. We got it into his apartment. I set it up, decorated it and just left it there. I knew he would see it when he got home. He was both surprised and pleased. I will never forget the phone call I got from him after he got home and saw it. There is just something wonderful about a plan coming together and succeeding in all ways.

My poor head. I'm looking at mortgage -stuff- now. There's so much to worry about. There are so many different types of loans. 80-20, Zero down. Rates and no points or lower rates and points. I'm not too thrilled with my Cendant guy from MS. He's not.... personable. He seems like, "This is just another easy set of loans for me to do." Rather than, "I'm going to make things good for you and for me. This is my livelihood and I live by word of mouth."

Now, I am in touch with a guy from Direct Loans who is giving me the latter in feeling. It's kind of nice in comparison with the guy from Cendant. He's also local to Bellevue. I really like that idea. Cendant is in New Jersey. I have the new numbers from Cendant now. I'm waiting for the numbers from Direct Loans. I want to compare all of the bits and pieces to see which gives me the best loan. Plus, see which one accommodates my desire to pay off my car before I start my house payments.

We'll see what happens. But, personality-wise, the DL guy is already winning.

Skookums! Two of my new co-workers go shooting on a regular basis! They have all sorts of advice on which ranges to go shooting and which ones to avoid. I didn't expect that. Nor did I expect the happy enthusiasm the both of them expressed at my query. Happy Jenn!

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Wands

To Be Worthy of Love

This weekend was difficult for me because I finally expressed one of my greatest fears to my SO. I know I was particularly discontented and he kept thinking it was him. No. It was more my personal inner demons reacting with today's stress and yesterday's memories. Simply put, I told him that I was afraid he wouldn't miss me when I moved to Seattle.

The more complex fear goes more like this: "I'm afraid that you won't miss me when I leave and if you won't miss me, someone who is so close to my heart, how can I expect anyone else to miss me? Along with 90% of the rest of humanity, I want to make my mark. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to have mattered. Most of all, because of my love of you, I want to have made a positive impact on you and your life because what you think of me is so very important to me. I need that reassurance."

It is a common thought of mine. I care very much what people think of me. I care very much that I make a good impression and that I have treated them well. Because I believe that there isn't enough kindness in this world, I don't want to be a hypocrite to my own ideals. So, I try hard to make who I am be the person I want others to be. But, I need the feedback and reassurance that I am being 'good' and 'kind' and 'generous.' Something to let me know my thoughts are not just in my own head.

I guess it goes back to my own self worth. To be worthy of love, friendship and remembrance. These concepts are important to me. For a long time, I gave up on the concept of being worthy of love. Then, I had my eyes opened. ... No. I forced my eyes open and allowed myself to love and to be loved. Once I had that love returned and I remembered what it was like... it was/is astonishing, wonderful, scary and I don't want to lose it.

Maybe that is the fear now. To have love finally once more, to lose it as it is now known and to never have something like it again. So, I'm holding onto what I have now too tightly. But, where is the line drawn. If I hold on too tight, I lose. If I hold on too loose, I lose. I feel like I'm trying to hold onto a bagel fresh from the oven - too hot to hold, too good to let go - and I'm doing this weird half hold thing, trying not to get burned.

Ok. That's just silly. I think there is a law somewhere that when you compare love to a hot bagel, you have to change the topic. So, I am.

I've been gaining weight back. I can see it in my face. I've been doing that eating-for-comfort thing again. This is vaguely upsetting to me but I feel there is little I can do about it immediately. I have six weeks before I move. I don't think I can diet and do that at the same time. Dieting is practically a second job for me because of my psychological state of mind involving food. I guess, I need to get myself to a point to where I feel secure enough to start dieting again.

There was no real point to this other than to acknowledge my weight gain and my need to start dieting again soon. No later than August 1st - my own personal New Year's day.

Thursday, Jean is coming to get Pretty Sue and her kittens from me. They have found a new foster mom for them. As much as I'm going to miss them, I am relieved. I need my apartment back. I need to walk through, open all doors and windows and just start tossing out stuff. I can't do that with cute, adorable, come-play-with-me kittens who pounce my feet as soon as I walk into the room. They have been an excellent excuse for me to not work on anything in the apartment that I've needed to work on for ages.

This will be my last batch of kittens from Furry Friends Rescue. With this last batch, I have fostered 19 felines with the following results: 10 Adopted, 3 Feral Farm, 5 Pending and 1 Death.

Batch #1
Received: 12 June 2002
Adopted/Gone: 11 Aug 2002
Morden - Adopted on 22 July 2002 by a co-worker.
Sheridan - Put to sleep on 29 July 2002 due to contracting cerebellar hypoplasia.
Sinclair - Adopted on 11 Aug 2002 by co-worker referred friend
Delenn - Adopted on 11 Aug 2002 by co-worker referred friend

Batch #2
Received: 07 Sep 2002
Adopted/Gone: 05 Oct 2002
Bester - Adopted on 05 Oct 2002 by a friend
Byron/Kehleyr - Adopted on 05 Oct 2002 by friend of a friend

Batch #3
Received: 07 Nov 2002
Adopted/Gone: 15 Nov 2002
Mulder, Scully and Skinner were determined to be too feral to put up for adoption and were given over to the Feral Farm where they will live out their lives in feral freedom.

Batch #4
Received: 24 Nov 2002
Adopted/Gone: 3 Jan 2003
Talia - Adopted at Showcase on 22 Dec 2002
Ivanova - Adopted by a friend of Jean on 22 Dec 2002
Garibaldi - Adopted by a Friend on 3 Jan 2003

Batch #5
Received: 19 March 2003
Adopted/Gone: 23 March 2003
Bailey - 3 year old male siamese - back to vet due to illness/adopted

Batch #6
Received: 16 April 2003
Adopted/Gone: 30 April 2003
Sir Tomas Marmalade - 2 year old orange tom - adopted

Batch #7
Received: 8 May 2003
Adopted/Gone: 12 June 2003
Momma cat (Sue) and her four babies (11 days old - Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde) - new foster parent

I just noticed Thurday, when Jean picks up Pretty Sue and her babies, it will be EXACTLY one year that I have fostered for Furry Friends Rescue. It makes me sad to be leaving them now.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Star

Grown Up Things

I've finally chosen a mortgage guy. Scary thing. But after reviewing the numbers from my top three guys, the DL guy had the best numbers over all. I almost missed that. But, fortunately, a second set of lovely blue eyes noticed a detail in my favor that I had not seen. It immediately jumped the DL guy to the top of the list.

One amusing note is the fact that the DL guy, Ross, knew who my real estate agent was before I told him. It seems that the two of them have worked together for a long time and have been working on other CA relocations. At some point, they must have sat down and started talking about who each of them had to network. Ross mentioned working with James to me before I had made my decision.

After the phone call, I realized that hadn't told him about James. So, I emailed James and asked him if he had worked with any of my mortgage guys I was considering. As expected, he had worked with Ross and had good things to say about him. So, it all came together. It didn't hurt that several of my other co-workers had worked with both James and Ross and had excellent results.

So, now I have my mortgage guy and my real estate guy. All that's left is me running up to Seattle to look at condos. I will be doing that next weekend and I have a lot of promising places to look at. A bunch of them are three bedroom, two bath condos within five miles (or less) of work. I'm really excited by the idea of NOT having a commute to work. Maybe being able to ride a bike in or walk.

I also had to extend my trip to Seattle to encompass a business meeting in Redmond. So, I'm going to get a preview of the building I will be in and the computer lab. I'm pretty excited about that. Plus, I'm going to meet a few of the contractors who will be working for my team. Normally, this would be the job of my team lead but he's going to be out due to family surgery. So, it falls to me.

Sunday, I got to watch my favoritest guy in the whole world graduate from Stanford with a PH.D. in Physics. That was really exciting for me. I was so proud of him. He looked wonderful in his suit, cap and gown. Everything is going so well for him. I couldn't be happier.

I also got to met his family this weekend. That was a trip. You see, since parking sucked, we decided to meet up at Hans' parents place in the "faculty ghetto" and walk in. Hans told me that it would be a nice leisurely stroll. I will never believe him again when he calls anything a leisurely stroll. I was walking with four guys who are 1) taller than me 2) skinnier than me 3) used to walking all over campus. Leisurely stroll, my ass!

It was a 1.5-2 mile forced death march in the sun to get to (and from) where we were going. I think Stanford was pretty. I don't know. I was just trying to keep up and not collapse from either heat stroke or my ankle giving out. By the time we made it, I had quietly given up hope of looking presentable to Yony's family. It was nice to get inside but Robert, bless his soul, didn't want me to feel left out and immediately introduced me around. I could have kick him. I could have kissed him. But, most of all, I just wanted 5 minutes to wipe the sweat from my face and stop gasping for air. Still, I think it went well over all.

The ceremony was pretty well done and I enjoyed the student speakers. Actually, quite a lot more than the regular speakers. Afterwards, we met up for food at Stanford then decided on real food on Castro street. Choosing the place to go was arduous at best but we ended up at Chef Liu. It was so hot that no one really wanted to eat at first. But, after a few minutes of sitting in a cool place and drinking water, appetites came back.

Later in the evening, the "kids" all met up again at Yony's place for a low key chat and cookies. It was neat talking to his sister. The two of them are very obviously siblings in looks and mannerisms. But, that's where it ends. Otherwise, they seem to be polar opposites in likes and dislikes. It definitely came out when they were discussing decorating his new place and hobbies.

I think I would have liked a little more time to get to know Yony's family but for what was done, I think went over pretty well. I didn't drool on myself nor spill anything on anyone. I can't ask for more than that for a first time impression.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Heirophant

First Time Buyer

Wow. A long time has gone by since I posted last. At least, this time, I have a good set of excuses that include a five day house hunting trip to Seattle and seeing my MS office for the first time. First of all, major props to my Real Estate Agent, James Raysbrook and my Mortgage Guy, Ross Fiuzi. If you ever want to look for a house, sell a house, get a mortgage or refinance your mortgage, these are the guys to call.

Saturday. I arrived in Seattle after a decent flight and met up with James to start house hunting. We went through 10 condos and lunch by 4pm. I was wiped since I had been up since 4am. I chose two condos as hitting the final cut. One was a beautiful 2 bed/2 bath place that had all new everything. I wouldn't have to do anything but clean before moving in. The other one was a gorgeous 3 bed/2 bath that needed new carpet and had an allowance for it. A good pair to choose from.

Sunday. Ross had to drop by and have me sign papers while James had to cut the day short for personal reasons. So, we decided to give house hunting a pass. After some frustrating circumstances, Ross finally made it and I was able to sign all of the needed paperwork. At the same time, Ross was training his new assistant. However, the highlight of the day was getting to meet Julie and her husband. She took me out to the much talked about Cheesecake Factory where I was suitably impressed. Julie is a wonderful woman and she's looking really good. Talking with her is just like reading her journal, only with sound bites and motion. We did a lot of laughing. She really saved the day.

Monday. This was the big day for house hunting. 12 more condos and only one made the cut off. In the end, I chose one from the first day - the larger 3 bed/2 bath condo. James and I headed to his office and filled out the huge amount of paperwork. Once done, I headed back to the hotel to meet up with David and Lori (who were there doing their own successful house hunting) for dinner and house gossip. But, wouldn't you know it... 30 days on the market and a competitive bid comes in for the condo two hours after mine does - at a higher price. So, some frantic phone calling between James and the selling Agent to get our next bid in. Once that happened, we headed out for some liberal libation.

Tuesday. I headed to the MS campus because my boss figured since I was up in the area, I could come in and do some work with the contractors since PTL couldn't make it due to personal reasons. I found my office. That lasted all of two hours. The group admin (who is a Goddess and I'm bringing her cookies my first day there permanently) offered me the choice of doubling up with a window office or being single in an interior office. Since I took a look at both offices and saw that I could look out my office, into the window office and out the window, I went ahead and took the interior office. I'm a smart cookie like that.

Dealing with the contractors was like building a sandcastle with the tide approaching. I had to give them stuff to do but I had to let them know that it would all change again within 3-4 weeks. In the meantime, it was going to be chaotic and painful. 2 of the contractors seem really sharp and eager. 1 seems normal. 1 seems to be, hum, how to put this... good at his job and good at knowing how to do just enough to not get in trouble. We'll see how that goes in the future.

That night, I met up with Sage who took me over to James' office to resign paperwork as well as hand over a hefty chunk of 'earnest' money. At that point, it became a 'foregone conclusion' with the 'done deal' being on the closing day of August 1st. (Yes, I do love that day.) In congratulations and celebration, Sage took me out to the incredibly swanky Metropolitan Grill. Expensive but really high quality and high class. I was really glad to have run back to the hotel to change. As promised, I had worn my "I won't hurt you... much..." t-shirt my first day at the Redmond campus. Believe me, the velvet fit in much better. We had such good conversation. It was nice seeing him again. It's nice to know I'm gonna have an old buddy to pal around with.

Wednesday. James, being the uber-patient agent of mine, took me back to MY condo and let me get a layout sketch of the place as well as get some pictures. Well, sorta. He forgot the digital camera. So, I took the 'show off' book with pictures and James will be getting me pictures on Friday during the inspection. As of now, the only things I want to do before move-in are replace the carpets and get a new light in the dining room. That's it. In the future, I'm going to replace the kitchen and bathroom countertops but, for now, they are fine. After that, it was back to the office for more mayhem and firefighting. I tell you, I will be SO glad when we are all in one place.

On the flight home, I actually had the thought, "Oh, man. I own a house. I'm now over $200k in debt." Strangely enough, I didn't have a heart attack. I just grinned and thought about MY new home. Ah, thinking of that, here's some of the particulars. It is in a four unit building, mine is on the top/end (as opposed to the bottom/end). It is 1413 square feet. There are two skylights in the living room and window seat in the dining room. Two of the bedrooms are downstairs. Upstairs is nothing but a master suite with a full bathroom, many closets and the master bedroom that has a window to overlook the living room. I have my own small utility closet downstairs and all of the appliances are relatively new. Too new to replace. Not old enough to be yucky. I have a nice patio over looking trees and buildings. Also, it is only 3 miles from my office building. I am going to be able to bike to work! (Or have a really short commute if I'm feeling lazy. *grin*)

I cannot wait to start moving in. Plus, I have budgeted a whole bunch of new stuff for myself. A new bed. A new entertainment center. A new living room set. Lots of stuff for the new cat dedicated room. Yes, I am a new generation of 'crazy cat lady.' Only, I'm high tech, geeky and do have a social life. I'm really excited by all this.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Lovers

Relationships

This past weekend was both emotional and enlightening for me. Also kind of painful, too. Friday night I was with Yony. I rarely talk about the details of my relationship with him - friendship, romantic or otherwise. It's just something I keep fairly private for both our sakes. However, a lot of people have been asking me, "What will you and Yony do, when you move?" It's both a caring and cruel question to me. One that I've avoided answering to a lot of people because I don't want to explain myself over and over. It hurts too much.

The quick and dirty answer that I've told people is, "Cry a lot. Talk on email, IM and phone." That doesn't satisfy them because that was never really the question they wanted to know. What they really want to know is what is going to happen to the romantic relationship. Sometimes, this is out of pure curiosity. Sometimes, it is out of the need to keep up with the social game. Sometimes, it is out of desire to follow the graduate student's first two rules to getting free food.

Hum. This isn't where I wanted this entry to go. Digressing to Friday night. We were talking about changes and where each of us would be in the next year. I was predicting that he would grow more into himself, his professional skills and have more confidence in his abilities in general. We smiled and talked about it. Then, he asked me where I thought I would be. I answered, "I hope I'm happy. I hope I'll be fostering kittens... and..." I burst into tears.

It was completely unexpected. A huge torrent of fear, worry and sadness for the future. I could not stop crying. Over the next two hours, I confessed all of the fears and worries about this whole relocation to him. Fears and worries that I didn't ever realize I had been hiding until then. Once it started, I suddenly knew I had been trying to put on happy face for him no matter what was going on in my head, so his last few weeks with me would not be filled with sadness and worry. Instead, I had been holding myself so tight that I was unconsciously causing an uncomfortable tension between us.

In the end, the question was, "Is this all worth it?" Will uprooting myself and taking me away from established friendships and my love be worth the professional and financial gain? Would I ever have this again? Will I be losing him despite our promises to one another? Will I ever be happy in Redmond? There is no way to answer that last question. But, Gods Above, I hope so.

Now that I know I have been hiding from my own fears and hiding them from those closest to me, I understand my recent moods more. He doesn't want me to hide my feelings. He doesn't want me to put on a false face. Neither do I. It was a very cathartic release for me. Hard, too. All of that pent up emotion hitting me from out of the blue. Once all of that nastiness was released, I felt so much lighter. I think it showed. [Saturday was my last Ethyria game where the player was a wilted flower in the heat but the character did come in to save the day and her brother from the evil Martians. I'm going to miss that gaming group.]

Sunday, Yony and I got together again and ... the lack of tension was wonderful. It was felt in everything we did. After some play and a picnic, I got to see his new place. It's beautiful. I'm glad he found a place like it. The afternoon was spent with him playing the piano and me reading the newest Harry Potter book. It was very comforting to me to be with him like that. In the same place, together, without feeling the new to entertain one another. That's what I want. That comfortable togetherness. I'm really going to miss it a lot.

I'm slowly coming to the point of acceptance that thing will change between us. There is no way that it cannot not change. I know this. He knows this. But, at the same time, I am also coming to the realization that our relationship - the whole relationship - is not built on sand and will not crumble into nothing the moment I leave. There is a firm foundation that I need to learn to trust. He is my friend, my confidante, my gaming partner, my geeky companion and my love. There are many facets there that make up the whole. My love for him and his love for me goes beyond the lust factor. It will change with the move but it will still be there.

That's what relationships are all about. Growing and changing. I am a lot more confident now, that this one will stand the test of time.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Wands