June 2001

I'm Back!

Hiya! I'm back! Back to my journal. Back to work. Back to a more normal mundane routine. Wow. I never thought 17 days could go so very fast. I didn't get bored even once - so, I failed in that respect. But, I am a lot more relaxed. Of course, I didn't get anything done and I don't feel guilty.

Let's see. On my vacation, I -

So, while it was not 'exciting,' it was exactly what I needed. I just wish it could have been a few weeks longer.

I had 262 emails and four phone calls waiting for me when I got to work. I'm still working my way through the emails. Unfortunately, I can't just skim and delete these emails. They are for work and some of them even have good information in them. Not to mention the 100+ bug reports I need to read and remember before I start testing again.

A lot of the QA department looks like it needs a vacation. We're in crunch mode and have been since before I left for vacation. The CEO has turned things up a notch for the Sales department. If they make their (very high) goal by this coming Friday, the whole company gets two extra days off for the 4th of July, making it a 5 day weekend. Wow. No pressure there. So, most of the company, when not putting out fires, is focused on helping the Sales force make that number.

Also, while I was gone, our newest QA member resigned. Officially, it's because he has a business in Russia that he needs to go deal with for 2 months. The scuttlebutt is that no one in the team liked his work. Mostly because no one could see what it was he was working on and he was out 1-2 days every week. Me? I wasn't aware of this because I wasn't his Mentor. My concern in hiring him was that he would be bored. That he was over qualified.

Ah, well. Who knows. I immediately called up Casey and asked what his status was. He's still waiting on a possible job offer from a company 5 minutes from his house. But, if he doesn't get it, I'll submit his resume here. I know the headhunter reward has dropped from the $5000 that it was but I don't know what it is now. If Casey got in, I'd spilt it with him.

There is one thing I have to say about the IMAX theater. If you want to know what it feels like to fly without wings, this is the place to do it. Throughout the opening sequences, the horrible Silicon Valley marketing promo and the cheesy but fun "Mysteries of Egypt" movie, they had some wonderful shots of smooth travel flying. I really was drawn into it and felt like I was flying. I couldn't help myself - I leaned into banking turns and I held my breath when we would dive down.

You know the phrase "Laughter bubbled forth"? That was me. Joyful laughter bubbled up inside me because it felt so much like I was in the air. There was such a feeling of safe freedom. I went along for the ride. I was so delighted that I just had to grin and laugh to myself. If nothing else, that feeling alone was worth the price of admission. I want to feel it again.

Tarot Card for the Day: Eight of Swords, Inverted

Ego Busting & Beta Personalities

Yesterday was a serious ego buster for me on both a professional and emotional level.

[2002.09.13 - Edited due to personal reasons.]

Second, was the Happy Valley Thursday night game where we all play 13-14 year olds in a universe that is a bit like Harry Potter meets Buffy. I play a preppy pureblood cheerleader. Apparently, I play a very uncool, dull, preppy cheerleader.

Last night was the end session of one of the plotlines. At the end of the plotlines, we do experience points. Also, we do something call "cool points." How cool was your character during the plotline? This is the first time we've done this. We went around the room. Everyone had something good to say about every character except mine. The embarrassing silence was deafening while the other players tried to think up something 'cool' that my character had done. No one could think of anything and I wasn't allowed to suggest anything.

When people did finally think of something, it was about the 'uncool' things my character had done - like going to see teachers for advice on the spirit that kept kicking my butt for no apparent reason and turning down one of the group for a date. After than uncomfortable moment passed, the GM commented "Well, that was really ugly." Yeah. It was.

This really put a sucky capper to a crappy day. It made me feel like a real loser and wonder why the heck I played the game to begin with. I wasn't popular in high school in real life. Why do I want to play someone who isn't popular in a game? I wondered if it would be like this at the end of every plotline and wondered why I would bother to play a game that shredded my ego like that.

Needless to say, I was really quiet after that. I'm going to give it another shot and if the same thing happens again, I'm going to quietly bow out of the game because it seems like I'm too serious and much of an 'uncool adult' to play the game the way it was intended. I don't need the heartache and they don't need someone who isn't playing on their level.

[2002.09.13 - Edited due to personal reasons.]

I am a strange person in my personality, I think. I have, what I like to call, a beta personality. I'm the type of person who does not want to be the top dog. No. I want to be the top dog's right hand gal. I'm a great support person. I do want authority and control but I want it under someone's direction.

I'm happiest when someone gives me a task and says, "Go do it." Not a menial task. A project that requires coordination and management. Something big that allows me to return triumphant to the person who assigned it and present it to them with a flourish. Something that allows them to praise me for what I have done.

I don't know if this makes me needy, high maintenance or just strange. I'm voting for two of the three.

Now, add in a layer of complexity. Given my *ahem* predilections, I prefer to answer to a man than a woman. I prefer to be the alpha female, subordinate to a male. But not just any male. One who commands and deserves my respect. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was my upbringing in a military household where my father was the CnC at all times. Maybe it is just the way I'm wired. Don't know why. Just know is.

I do know that I don't like being less than second in command. Johanna thinks that I really do want to be the top dog but that I want to be in a pack of top dogs. A leader among leaders. Maybe. I don't know. We discussed it. She gave me her opinion. I'm still thinking about them.

I did do some writing recently. I've posted two new Edanya stories. Oh! That reminds me. I got an AWESOME letter back about my stories to Skotos (May 23). I got a good explanation of "Participatory Content" and "Private Content." In short, the stories are all mine, but Castle Marrach is a trademark of Skotos. So, if I do want to professionally publish these stories, they can either sell me a license OR, ever better, they can do a small run publication of the Castle Marrach anthology themselves. Their guy told me to come back to him closer to the finish date of my anthology. When I was lots more serious (IE, the stories all written and edited), we would talk and that he was very interested in seeing it succeed!

As I'm sure you can tell, I'm very happy. I have a definite viable goal to reach for and a very promising chance at getting a book published within the next year! *happy dance*

Hucked Tankard Tale - The Rescue of King Byron. Lady luck likes to see Edanya squirm. In this tale, not all bad luck is as bad as it first seems.

Castle Marrach Tale - The Matter of the Cats and the Rats. A classic 'tail' of romance, retold with a strange but amusing twist.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Swords

Evocatively Me

This picture is so evocatively me that it takes my breath away. I was literally stunned when I first saw it. It is so beautiful to me, on so many levels, that it is almost beyond my comprehension. It certainly is beyond my ability to express all my thoughts and emotions about it.

People always speak in metaphors about things only being 'the tip of the iceberg.' Looking at this picture proves the time worn adage that 'a picture is worth 1000 words.' So easy to say but so hard to explain and understand.

Looking at this picture, a small part of me cries out, "Yes, there! See? This is what I have been trying to get across. There is so much more to me that what you see. There is so much more that is beautiful and worth seeking out. Can't you see? I am more than the sum of my parts. I have beauty, grace and substance within - if you would only take the time and the risk to see it." This voice is speaking on both a mental and physical level.

I wish I had a copy of this picture framed. It just suits me so perfectly.

I need to figure out what offerings to make to which gods to stop all the bad luck plaguing my friends: Alex's bungee job, a death in James' family, Laurel's mom having a heart attack, Dave being laid off and his father having a heart attack and needing surgery, Kevin's cat eating anti-freeze and having to be put to sleep, Treasure being fired from his job because he is publicly into BDSM - all this in the last month. Much of it in the last week.

As Johanna put it, she's hunkering down and 'watching for the meteor.

I haven't been having any big things happening. Just little emotional things. Nothing I can't handle. Just things I don't want to handle. A lot of feelings of rejection and depression. I'm trying to figure out if it's just me being stupid or what. In any case, I want the bad things to stop.

I called my father for Father's Day. He's doing good even though he hates his job. Turns out I missed my niece, Amanda's, birthday. I thought it was June 20th. It was June 2nd. Turns out that Emily's birthday is October 20th and not October 2nd like I thought. Oh, well. Amanda is only a year old. It's not like she missed me.

It was a good talk, even though both of my parents sound really tired. I'll be glad for December when my sister is able to quit working and take back the kids. Mom is due for a rest. Though, I forecast a parental argument on the rise. Dad wants Mom to go back to work in January 2002. Mom has no intention of doing so. I wish I was making enough that I could support them and me at the same time. That way, neither would have to work. Maybe. Someday.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Swords, Inverted

QA On Display

I have itchy feet again. I really have the urge to move. However, this latest urge was sparked by a totally off the wall train of thought. It went something like this: "Well, it looks like I've exhausted all possibilities in the dating arena here. Maybe it's time I move on to newer pastures. I've always wanted to move back to Portland. I have some friends up there... " Huh? I want to move because I have no one to date? That's kind of weird.

Maybe it's that whole spring fever thing kicking in with my occasional wanderlust. A powerful combination. Especially when I know I am going to be moving out of the Bay Area eventually due to the way-too-high cost of living. It's just hard because I don't want to leave my friends and I wonder if I would ever be able to find as good of a gaming group as I have here. If only I could bring my friends with me.

What's that? The creaking of the idea of the Great Gamer Migration rearing its voluminous head again?

Game Musings...
I have been looking through some of my old characters that I used to play. I have to say that I really miss playing Lady Elizabeth Bannister - my Daughter of Cacophony who was raised by a Toreador from the Bedlam's Rest LARP. She really was a joy to play in a twisted sort of manner. She's one of the few that I really wrote in depth about. I also miss her Sire, Jonas Stratford. I think he is one of the best villains I have ever created. Just as Patricia is Johanna's price, I think Elizabeth is my price.

With Aragon on hiatus (and some doubts as to its actual return), I'm having to put away another favorite character: Magus Kayley Allard. Fortunately for me, she's at a place in her story that I can just let her go and imagine what other things she goes on to do. Still, I am going to miss playing her. I like the background I set up for her. But, I wasn't as thorough as I was with Elizabeth. So, there were times when I didn't know what to do with her.

The next Casting the Runes LARP is on July 7th. We haven't played this game since December (I think). The last game was cancelled two day before it was to be played. I'm not sure if we really are going to play or not. I am playing Dark Ages elder Gangrel, Isabeau of Aquitaine. I have to admit, I have been having a hard time getting into this character with the long pauses between games and huge leaps in time between settings. Fortunately, at this next game, we transition from "history" to "modern day" games. Hopefully, this will help in me getting back my grounding in the character.

On the good side of things, Logan is now running the Port Townsend game and I'm getting to play Delphi again. She, of course, is always in trouble. This most recent spot of trouble could very well be the death of her. Not a good thing but, if it happens, it happens. Also, Alex is going to be pulling out of running the Star Wars game for a bit after this plotline this done and I will be taking over for a while. This will give me a chance to either play Shannon or (my darling) Duvessa again. Albeit NPC roles but, roles nonetheless.

Work Experience...
Engineering and QA were on display today. I'm not certain why, but a French telecom decided that they wanted a tour of my company. They are a partner, so we said "Ok." Now, we were expecting 2 people. Imagine everyone's surprise when some 34 French speaking business people showed up on our doorstep. Oh, the chaos!

This explains why the Marcom department had nothing ready and why they utter (accidentally) dissed both the Engineering department and QA group. I heard, as they passed the QA lab and our group, the Marcom person said something like "We do most of our testing at Exodus and a bit of it here in this QA lab." Ow. That's nice. Exodus is our ISP, not our testing group. I wonder what it is that the Marcom group thinks the 9 QA people onsite actually do.

About that time, I got up to go to the bathroom, which caused about 6 of the visitors to stop and stare at me. It was a little daunting and slightly amusing. Suddenly, in the back of my head, I was hearing Steve Urwin saying "Here we have a rare glimpse of the wild QA Engineer. This one appears to be female. *pause* You're alright. You're alright. *pause* You can't make any sudden moves or she'll be gone like a shot. Isn't this fantastic? A wild QA Engineer! Isn't she a beauty?"

So, instead of ducking and hiding, my call to nature was too strong, I got passed them, turned the corner and ran right into the second group of French tourists! *oy vey* Amusing, but a bit surreal.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Swords

Baby Kisses

Gamer Gossip...
I had a really good weekend this past weekend. Friday, I had the last minute choices of a birthday gathering, a party gathering or my previously scheduled Star Wars game. After much consideration, I decided not to ditch the game. The birthday gathering was at 5:30 and I wouldn't be able to get there until 7-7:30. The party gathering was in Berkeley and for petulant reasons that I shall not be discussed here, I decided to forego that get-together.

I'm glad I did. The Star Wars game was awesome. Alex tweaked our noses by pulling out his darlings, Admiral (now Governor) Zariath and Baron Torradon AKA Darth Stygoss [previously seen in the Tales of the Iridium Rose], and tossing them at us. Fortunately, the two big baddies are at odds and we are leaning to go with the Governor - who happens to be the honorable one.

Saturday, I headed back over to Miskatonic Asylum to play Delphi in the Port Townsend game. Logan is running now and Delphi, as usual, is in trouble. But Logan keeps twisting things so we can't actually put our fingers on the culprit(s) - yet. I didn't do a whole except listen and have one petulant argument with the resident Tremere. Gotta love child nature. Wait until Delphi turns around and invites Mister Bad-Guy to stay at her haven with her. That'll go over like a house on fire. She can't help it. He has a hold on her.

Sunday was a relaxing day of reading, writing and playing online. Also, the occassional forrays out into the balm, not-too-hot weather. Ahhhhh.

In the Muse...
I've joined a new Writer's List. One based in the Bay area. It looks like I'm going to be either creating my own writer's group or expanding/merging two existing ones. The only problem is that people are spread out all over the place from Berkeley to San Francisco to Fremont to Rockridge. So, it looks like we will be rotating the meeting place month to month.

Still, I'm taking a step forward. It's a scary idea for me to be bringing some of my stuff for others to critique. Others who aren't my friends and won't ask me "Do you want the nice critique or the bitchy editor's critique?"

Miscellenia...
...Donna's home from her surgery. She's doing well, but she's got a new friend that I'm not particularly fond of. I don't know. Donna's too trusting some days. She hardly knows this guy, yet she's letting him borrow her van for a week. Maybe I'm too cynical.

...Oh! Oh! Oh! Giles (Anthony Stewart Head) from Buffy is going to have his own spin off show. According to Alex, the Lorekeeper of all things entertainment-wise, where Buffy is slightly dark and Angel is fairly dark, this show is going to be REALLY dark. Giles is going to be going up against a corrupt Watcher Council... or something like that.

...The day after I'm told is it going to be a very hot and dry summer, it rains.

The Family Way...
I got the sweetest email from my sister about my youngest niece. It's ALMOST enough to make me want kids. Almost but not quite.

"Hi Missy!

I know it seems like I dropped off the face of the earth, but I really haven't. I've just been lazy and sluggish and hot and moderately busy. To make up for it, I'll share a precious moment, courtesy of my littlest one:

Amanda suddenly over the weekend figured out how to give hugs and kisses. That wonderful, exciting, I'm-never-going-to-put-you-down feeling of a little arm wrapping around your neck to hug you back instead of just sitting there is so glorious. (Not glorious enough to get pregnant AGAIN, but glorious enough to make the pregnancy I had to put up with to get her worth it!)

She also presses her face (mouth closed) to your cheek to give you a kiss. If you get too happy about the fact that she kissed you, she'll solve that problem by licking you. :)

And all this after I took her bottle away from her this weekend! She was quite upset about it for 2 days, and then woke up all smiles on the 3rd day. I'm planning to take her bink from her after we get back from PA. Shhh... don't tell her! She might stop giving me hugs and kisses!

Anyway, just thought you might enjoy some insight on that particular stage of babyhood!

Love,
Shannon"

Awww. Isn't that just too cute for words?

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Swords, Inverted

Slow Boat to Work

Dante is in the shop again. It's my own fault, too. I waited until 7000 miles had passed instead of the usual 4000-5000 miles between check ups. It looks like I have to replace the two front rotors, a transmission hose, rotate/balance the tires and a general tune up. All for about $1000. *wince*

Unfortunately, this means that they kept my car overnight. I missed a day of work on Wednesday, which was really annoying to me because we are in the middle of interviewing candidates for our one and only open QA position and I really wanted to meet the one that was in yesterday. She sounded really sharp. Hopefully on the second interview.

Also, I'm currently driving Donna's minivan. *gag* I'm very grateful for having a car to drive to get to work but I know now that I -hate- driving minivans. The height is fine but it doesn't have any power like The Grey Ghost did (The 453 1/2 ton truck I drove during my latter college years.). It's like driving a slow boat. Ugh! Also, parking this monster is a pain in the rump!

On the good side, it has a radio. I like that. Surprisingly enough, I was highly amused by Howard Stern this morning. Oh, I didn't know it was Howard Stern until about halfway through the show. I just knew it was a really sarcastic DJ. Most of the time, I don't like shock jocks but this morning, it was amusing.

Hopefully, I'll be able to pick up my car this evening before they close. I really don't want to drive the van two days in a row.

Well, as expected, there is no more Casting the Runes LARP. However, surprisingly, it's just being morphed into a table-top game due to not enough players. I'm definitely willing to give it a go. I would love to see some of the long term plots that Rich, Dom and Peg have set up. I am not burned out on Vampire like a lot of my friends are. So, having both the monthly Port Townsend and the occasional, every 6 weeks or so, Casting the Runes game is fine by me.

However, this leaves me without a regular LARP. I'm really looking forward to Chuckling Cthulhu's Babylon 5 LARP, Steincorp Station, in August but it's a one shot or, if they get ambitious, once a quarter, game. So, I'm seriously considering the CAST game. There are some benefits and drawbacks to this.

Benefits - I get my LARPing fix. I meet a whole new circle of people. I get out of the house every other Sunday.

Drawbacks - It's in Concord. Many of the gamers are more than 10 years my junior. It's every other Sunday. It's Johanna and Alex's game.

It's this last one that really making me hesitate. James (who is taking a break from LARPing), Dave, Johanna and Alex were there first. It's their game. They aren't GMing the game but they are some of the serious shakers and movers. I know that I don't always like to game with the same people over and over. It's nice to break up games with different people. Otherwise, all the characters start blending together because everyone knows the actions/reactions/buttons of everyone else. I know Alex asked me to play a Ventrue but I think that was out of desperation for a real ally within his own clan.

I don't know. I'm really going to have to think about this.

I really have a pretty busy weekend scheduled. This seems to be my week for going out to dinner. Donna and I went out to "El Patio" last night for some Mexican food. They had -the best- guacamole I have ever tasted. I could have eaten just chips and guacamole all night and I would have been happy with that.

Tonight, since there is no Happy Valley game, Greg, David and I are going to be going to Outback Steakhouse for MEAT. We are in a serious steak mood. Friday, I'm running up to Oakland to have dinner with, and visit, my friend Kimberly who is going through a bit of a rough time emotionally and physically. I don't remember the last time I've gone out to dinner three nights in a row. Saturday, I'm headed to Berkeley to set up for Rob's Aberrant game. I don't know if I'll be able to stay in it but I'm definitely going to try.

OK. A lot of bad crap has just happened with my car but I don't have the energy to bitch about it right now. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Swords

Our Fears Limit Us

There I was, at work, waiting to see when I could pick up my car when I get a call from Bill, the mechanic. He tells me, "Your car won't go into gear anymore." WHAT?! He drove me home in it just the day before!! I was shocked and furious. We talk about it a bit and he gets off the phone to do more research on my transmission and why it suddenly won't go into gear now.

Now, I'm looking at having to buy a new car - which I did NOT want to do. I don't want to have car payments again. In despair, I called my parents and talked to them about it. Dad suggested that I go ahead and get a new (to me) car from the same place I got this last one. Another Mazda because I really like them. Maybe a 929 this time.

An hour later, Bill calls back and we talk. He calmly explains how my transmission broke (he was backing it out of the garage, started to turn, there was a *CLUNK* and suddenly, the car wouldn't go into gear anymore) and explained to me that unless I have a rebuilt transmission put into the car, it would not run. Period. End of story. There was nothing else he could do.

So, we discussed it longer. $1600 for a rebuild transmission that included all the work. I had already put $1000 worth of work into the car. I didn't really want waste that. He assured me that other than that, the car really was in good condition. He could easily see another three to four years out of the car easily with the rebuilt transmission.

I thought about it for a long time. Without the work, I couldn't trade it in and I still had to buy a new car. With the work, I didn't have to buy a new car immediately. I could go two to three years and carefully choose a new car. It hurt but in the end, I decided on the rebuilt transmission. So, hopefully, I'll have my car back within a week or so.

In the meantime, I'm driving the minivan to and from work and that's it. While I was driving home yesterday, I had a small epiphany. Rich was right. (I can see him smirking, "Of course, I was.") As I was driving the van, being really timid with it because I'm not used to driving something so big, I was wondering if Scott would let me drive his car because it is so much smaller and easier to drive.

Suddenly, I thought, "This is STUPID! I used to drive The Grey Ghost and it was bigger than this plus harder to drive! Why am I being so damn timid?! Why am I limiting myself? I can drive this van. GET OVER YOURSELF and STOP letting your fears limit you! It's just fucking van. You know how to drive and you know how to drive well."

My internal rant went on like that for about five minutes. Then, I calmed down and felt more comfortable with myself and in the van. That's when I really understood Rich's thoughts on minor phobias. If he's notices he has a silly fear, he exposes himself to it until he conquers his fears. He hates silly limits and that's what our fears do - they limit us. I don't like to be limited either.

Now, all that said, I'm still canceling my Friday and Saturday plans. Friday is ok. Kimberly needs the rest. We can get together next week after I get my car back. Saturday, if I don't borrow the van, I won't go to my game because I'm not comfortable with BART. It's not the going out to Berkeley on BART that bothers me, it's the coming home at night, in the dark, on BART that bothers me. I have not had good experiences on BART.

Not all fears are silly. Some fears are based on survival instinct. Racial fears of spiders and snakes and being out alone at night. Predators are dangerous. Many predators hunt at night. So, our fears limiting us in this thought is more of a survival instinct than a neurotic tendency. I tend to try to listen to those instincts, but I still dislike the limitations.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Swords, Inverted