July 1999

Just because Johanna jazzed up her journal website a bit and I was suffering from heat and sick induced illness, I decided that it was time to modify my Journal page look a bit...

So, what do you think?

I think it's kinda pretty.

Well, as least it's something different. I'd love to hear any comments you all might have.

Actually, I had been thinking about jazzing up my site for some time. Or, at least changing the look some. I guess between my boredom, my illness, my admiration of Johanna's graphics and the fact that I had been pondering it for some time, I decided today was the day to do it.

Now. I'm exhausted.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "I know not what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in, now and then, finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me." -- Sir Issac Newton

I think my cold is finally in remission! I actually felt good enough to attempt to do my VB homework. Only to be stumped on one point and unable to get to the website which had the needed notes. Ah, well. I'm going to try to do it at work today.

(The Pointy Haired VP is out of the office. And I think the QA Department is going to go see "Wild Wild West" this afternoon. I'm not sure. That was the plan on Monday before I was struck down by my ubar cold.)

Oh, yeah. I decided to brighten up the background of the entries. I like royal blue. It's one of my favorite colors.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "May your words be tender today, for tomorrow you may have to eat them." -Welsh Proverb

Yesterday was a lazy day. I was still sick but almost well enough to go to work. But, the whole week was already pretty much been destroyed by the Ubar cold... I mean uber cold (Thanks, Kat.), so I decided not to push it.

Which means I was well enough to be out and about but not well enough to actually do anything. Which is OK, I suppose, as everyone else was at work.

YAH!!!! Brian has decided to start his own online journal: Indecent Exposure. That makes two journals that I have helped bring into existance. *happy dance* So, here's your chance to start up with a brand new journal! Brian is a sweet man with a caustic wit. I can't wait to see what he has to say.

Oh, and Brian... welcome to the addiction! *hugs*

Well, like Johanna, I was solicited to write for Calliope, an online gaming eZine. I, like Johanna, am leery but, being the narcissistic writer that I am, I'm all for having my writing published. Even if it is an eZine. We'll just have to wait and see if this is for real or the project of a 17 year old with too much time on his hands.

Saw Wild Wild West with Will Smith. It was very good. Definitely fluffy brain candy that kept my mind engaged. The puns and innuendos were outrageous! There were even a couple of spots where I laughed outloud. Always a good sign for me.

Oh, yeah. I updated my Journals I read page. Just cause.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Build a bridge, not a barrier. Make a friend, not a fuss. Find a cause, not a critic. Seek a solution, not a standoff."

I was idly pondering if I had 2 hours to show my favorite videos which ones I'd put in there. (Well, if they are going to give Ricky Martin 2 hours, I figured that I might have a chance, too. *hehehe*) It's an ecletic list. I also added the personal rule of only one song per band/singer.

I was sitting in my den, listening to "Stolen Child" on Heather Alexander's "Wanderlust" CD for about fourth time in a row. It was about 11:15am. I was thinking about how it feels as if my time for dreams had past. I'm turning 29 in a few months. All the heros are younger. All the things I thought to dream would have happened by now.

No travel to exotic places.

No seeing of faeries and unicorns.

No chance of becoming a secret agent.

All of my fanciful dreams had past me by. I was even thinking about writing a long mournful euology, saying good bye to my dreams. It would have been so bittersweet and soulful...

Then, something happened. A couple knocked on the door and asked if they could mow the lawn. Money was tight and they wanted to do something special for the kids for the 4th of July. I muttered something about how Donna had a guy would did the lawns, thanked them and closed the door.

In that moment that I closed the door, something happened inside of me. Godammit! Look at my life. I am spoiled rotten. I can have anything I want. Here I was, moaning about my life and how my dreams were dead. Then, I turned around and squashed someone else's dream for their kids.

This small epiphany crashed down on me within seconds. I turned, opened up the door and called to them, "Wait! Please, wait." Then, I ran back inside, grabbed my wallet and pulled out a $20 and ran back out to them, giving it to them. They looked so surprised. "Are you sure you don't want your lawn mowed?" He asked. "No. No. Please. Just have a good day." I smiled at them and went back in the house with a smile on my face and a slightly new perspective. I hope they have a great day with their kids.

I wish I had given them more.

Random acts of kindness. That's what keeps our fragile dreams alive.

Not ten minutes later, I pick up the phone to discover that Kevin had left me a message, apologizing for forgetting to invite me to his July 4th party and specifically saying that I was more than welcome. He thought I was on the email list but found out that I wasn't and was very sorry.

OK. Backing up a little bit here. Friday, I hear from Greg that Kevin is having this huge party and "everyone" is invited. I murmur, "Um, I didn't get an invite." Greg is sure that it was an oversight or Kevin forgot my email address or something like that. So, I asked if he would forward the email to me. Greg hemmed and hawwed and said, that he'd have to check with Kevin, 'just to be sure.'

Yes. It was the right and polite thing for Greg to do, but it really hurt this small piece of my heart. The fragile child within looked up and saw that one of my best friends just had to make 'sure' that I was invited before allowing me to know more about the party. The fragile part of me that needs to be accepted and even wanted. In a small way, it felt like a betrayal. Rational? No. But that was the way I was feeling.

Then, 5 minutes later, Greg called, making sure that Kevin had called and wanted to know if I wanted to carpool. I almost said no, not out of spite or sour grapes or anything. Mostly because I had a headache and I had already turned Johanna's invite down. Then, I thought it would be better if I went for two reasons: If I didn't go, Kevin might thing I was mad at him. And, if I didn't go, I would sit at home and mope.

I made the right choice. I had a really good time, seeing people that I hadn't seen in a while, having the usual odd, eclectic discussions and seeing the fireworks. I really liked the Happy Face ones. That was neat.

...

Still, as I sit here, smiling over the memories of the day, I wonder at myself and how fragile I can be. I am this strong, dynamic, independant woman and at the same time, I am this unsure, emotional, needy woman-child who wants attention and needs to feel wanted and loved. On days like today, I wonder how I manage to balance the two.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "I never knew fireworks could be so erotic."
(A comment I overheard while watching the fireworks. I know I came in after the credits. And no, I really don't want to know what Michael was referring to.)

It's always a 'joy' to discover that someone has 'borrowed' your stuff (poems, writings, articles, etc...) without asking. It's even more of a joy to discover that while they gave you credit, they didn't give a link back your page, they didn't use the correct formatting of the poem (to me, the visual presentation of the poem is just as important as the words), nor did they even use the correct title of my poem.

So, I did what any author would do in this case. I wrote them an email:

"Hello,

I'm Eden Blackthorn - author of the poem "His Words (My World)" and I was unaware that you had "borrowed" my poem for your website. While I thank you for the credit given to me, I would appreciate two things:

1. A link back to my website (http://skitten.best.vwh.net/erotica.html)
2. The correct title on the poem - "His Words (My World)"

Also, I would like to know what this: "This is a Foxe's Haven Exclusive Article." means. Also, I find "This may not be reprinted or reproduced in any form without express written permission" extremely ironic as I did not give you permission to reprint my poem in the first place.

Please let me know when you have done as I have requested.
Thank you,
Eden"

I don't know if they will do as I ask. I am hoping, in a fit of annoyance, they take down my poem all together. As it is now, I'm about to go put more copyright and permission statements all over my website. I hate to have to do it but it seems I have to.

I had plenty of things that needed to be done and no enthusiasm to do them. Bills, laundry, cleaning my den/bedroom or doing homework. All of which was calling my name with mournful cries...

So...

I spent the afternoon with Johanna and Alex mostly chatting and watching Hard Boiled, an incredible John Woo film, starring Chow Yun Fat. Wow. What a film. It was full of patented John Woo two fisted shooting and Chow Yun Fat action. If you are ever in the mood for Hong Kong Theatre and need something to watch, Hard Boiled is definitely the action packed movie to see.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Hot... Too hot... It's too darn hot!

***** SPOILERS FOR THE GAME BELOW *****

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So, if you don't want the movie spoiled for you, don't read this entry

.

I really mean it!

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I watched "The Game" last night. It was on Showtime. I have to say that it is one of the most f*cked up movies I've seen in a long time. It really had me going, too. By the end, I really thought it was a scam. The total con job. But, as it turns out, it was a con on the viewer.

Talk about a piece of artwork.

I can't even imagine how much money it would take to set up such an intricate, elaborate hoax. You watch the main character's life slowly, but surely, go down in flames as he becomes more and more paranoid. The story leads you along to where you expect it to go, allowing you to anticipate the twists and turns. Only, they are tricking the viewer as much as Nicholas.

You start agonizing for the main character. (At least I did.) Yeah, he was an asshole but as things got worse for him, he got marginally nicer and more caring about those few people who looked out for him.

At the end, wow... what a head trip. I don't know what I would have done if I thought I had just killed my brother. Then again, they did the whole battery of mental and physical profiles. So, my 'game' would be completely different.

I wonder what my game would be. I certainly wouldn't want to have my life seemingly destroyed. I suppose it would have some sort of spy theme... maybe. I don't know. *laugh* It would have to be something I wasn't expecting.

Then again, I think I would be too chicken to do that sort of game. I like a distinct line between fantasy and reality.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Cellular phone calls can be intercepted. We didn't have all the information that we needed... your accounts... your passwords... all of it. Now we do. And we don't need you anymore." Christine to a drugged Nicholas.

*TRIUMPHANT HORNS BLOWING* *MUCH FAN FAIR AND CONFETTI THROWING*

As of 9am, 7/7/99, for the first time since I received my first one over 10 years ago, all of my credit cards have a ZERO BALANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This, as most of my friends know, has been a hugely insane (upward, through snow, barefoot!) battle ever since 1995 when I and Chris hosted STARQUEST '95, a science-fiction/fantasy convention that had 600+ attendees. It was a huge success in all ways but finacial. Finacially, it was a huge bomb and within 3 days time, I suddenly found myself $20,000+ in debt to credit cards. (This didn't even begin to touch my car loan or my student loans.)

Since then, I have been working my ass off to free myself of this credit card debt. It hasn't been easy.

In 1995, I was working for 3DO and literally, I was making less than half of what I'm making now. I have had to save and skrimp and sweat to make it to where I am now. And it's not over yet. This is only the first of three milestones:

1. Credit cards - DONE!
2. Car Loan - PENDING
3. Last Student Loan - PENDING

From $50K in debt 5 years ago to less than $10K in debt now. I am living proof that if you work hard enough, set a budget and stick to it, you can do it. You can be debt free. I'm on my way. By December 1999, I will be debt free!

In other, less exciting, news, Rich's Dentist takes my insurance. So, in a fit of masochism and beginning my quest for a healthy mind and body, I set an appointment for a check up, because some of my teeth have been feeling a bit sensitive when I brush them and that is a BAD THING(TM).

So, now, I have about 2 weeks to get back into flossing so that when they do clean my teeth, I won't be in THAT much pain. *wince* It has been *years* since I've seen a dentist. I shudder to think what he is going to tell me about my teeth.

The boss walked in, did the whole 'get settled' thing and then came over to my desk, asking to see me for a minute. Then, we walked outside for a private word. Of course, this freaked me out to no end. And da bossman knew it, so his first words were, "You are OK. This isn't about you, really. No need to worry. I know this must be setting off your panic button."

Ah, my boss. He knows me so well.

Then he dropped the bombshell.

OK. Not a bombshell, really. Just a surprising request.

He said, "You know you were asking me what you could do to help Casey. I thought of something. Stop carpooling with him."

P'nuck??

He went on to explain how he is sure that I am putting in least 40 hours a week between working at work and at home, but Casey does not appear to be doing the same. Doesn't send email, etc... The short of it is, Casey has some ground to make up appearance wise (Everyone has noticed an improvement in his work), which means he needs to be in the office a MINIMUM of 40 hours a week. Also, Akien doesn't want me mothering Casey. Says it's not my job. So, making sure that we stay later isn't the answer for the moment.

So, the boss has asked me to stop carpooling, thinking that I'm driving the schedule. But I'm not. Casey has been.

Oh, what a little pickle we have here.

...

I talked to Casey about it on the way home... he was unflappable as always. I think he took it better than I did. So, I loose my carpool buddy until the office decides that Casey's reputation is shiny enough again.

Oh, yeah. One dark cloud in my day. I got home from dinner with Greg and David, rushing to put a tape in for Crusade and then rush off to see Rob, Lisa and DJ... and suddenly, I hear this voice, "Hello Jenn."

Looking up, I see Paul. My first thought was, "What the hell are you doing here?!" My second thought was, "When do you leave?"

I was polite to him but as soon as I can get Donna alone, I'm going to find out why she let that lying, two-faced, manipulating bastard back into the house.

Oh, yeah. My hackles are raised and the claws are out.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Just because they are after you doesn't mean you aren't paranoid."

Johanna and I were sharing frontal lobes yesterday. You know, doing the braintrust thing:

- As I was writing up my newest dream in my dream journal, she sent me the URL for a webring of dream journals.

- As I pondered it and finally decided to put my dream journal online and was in the process of designing the layout for it, she sent me the (sometime in the) future splash page of her journal which will give you the option of looking at her "waking" journal or her dream journal.

I tell ya, sometimes we think so much alike it's scary. This isn't the first time it has happened and probably won't be the last time either. I think she's going to call her journal "Juggling Mercury" or something like that. I currently have the working title of "Dreamlines... A Reality Within." Maybe I'll shorten it to just "Dreamlines" or "Realities Within." Then again, maybe I'll trash that idea all together. I don't know.

I do know that I'm going to have to have some cool fonts and background and stuff like that. So, we are looking at sometime next week for the unveiling of it.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Get out of my head!!"

It has begun. I knew it would happen sometime. I just didn't expect it to start over email.

My parents and I are currently in a HUGE fight about religion. It started out so stupidly, too. My Mom wanted to see me this weekend. We send back and forth a couple of emails on it, but Mom felt my answers were too terse and it upset her. She forwarded them to my Dad and he slammed me for treating Mom like a 'peer.'

Yes, my answers were terse. My Mom told me that I could go to church with her first and then we'd go to lunch. She'd really like to see me there. I am not Christian. My parents know it. That's how this whole thing started.

This is the last letter I sent. My parents and I usually don't communicate over the email, but this is how it has gone so far.

Hello Dad, Mom,

I'm sorry you took my message the wrong way. Yes, I do want to see you both and yes, I do understand that you are not my peers. You are my parents and I love you.

However, I do not like, nor agree with, the emotional pressure that you keep putting on me concerning religion. I realize that both of you truely believe with all of your heart that your religion, your beliefs, are correct. There is no room for any doubt.

Your religion is NOT my religion. I am sorry if that hurts you. I really am.

Mom's invitation made me feel like I could not come see her without first going to church with you. It would be like me saying that you had to come to a Wiccan, Shamanistic or Druidic ceremony before you could have lunch with me.

Do you know what I feel like when I go to church with you? I don't feel any of the love and joy and peace that you obvious feel. I feel anger and resentment. I feel like your prayers for me are not for me but merely begging God that I will see the "true" way.

Well, it's not my way. I know that you will never understand that we love and worship the same God. I allow you your beliefs. Please allow me mine.

I hope you understand what I'm saying, how I'm saying it and why. I love you both. Very much. I hope this doesn't make you too upset.

Love, Jenn

So now, I will be disowned or my parents will finally understand or we won't talk for a while. *sigh* Only time will tell.

In my never ending quest to not actually do any work while at work, I found myself working overly ambitiously on my new dream journal.

*Drum roll!!*

Announcing the creation of Dreamlines... Realities Within.

Unlike this journal, it is listed on my MAIN page and will not be updated daily.

(BTW: I'm joking about that not working at work thing.)

Speaking of work... in less exciting news, we just got a new (free) coffee/espresso machine for the kitchen. Most of work is PLEASED about this to no end. Me? I don't drink coffee but it does have hot chocolate! Yeah!

It is 6:01am on Saturday morning. I have done something that I have not done in a very long time. I pulled an all-nighter that:
1) Did not involve a game or a LARP.
2) Did not involve a lover or even a potential.

I stayed out all night talking to my friend, EricL. Surprising, eh?

OK, let me disgress. I was suppose to go to DJ's Graduation party. He finally graduated from Heald college (yeah!) and he was having a party. Yes, I was invited but stupid me deleted the email on how to get to his house. And, in Pine, delete *REALLY* means delete. So, I don't know where the party is and no one is home for me to call to get directions and I don't have DJ's phone number. (Note to self: Get an address book!) So, I contend with a night at home, moping.

10pm and my phone rings. It's Johanna. She wants to know where I am. (She figured since she was my [heart]sister, she could call that late and get away with it... She's right.) I am pleased as punch, explain the situation and get directions.

10:10pm, I'm driving out to a party. I can't remember the last time I left the house after 9pm to 'go out.' It's a small but fun party. Lots of talk about gaming, Buffy, The Vampire Slayer, friends, jobs, and the like. Rob and Lisa leave at midnight, Alex and Johanna leave at 1am. DJ kicks me and EricL out the door at 1:45am.

Eric and I are both wide awake. So, we decide to head to Carrows (a 24/7 diner place like Denny's but nicer). There, we run into a guy named Mike (who used to play in Bedrest1 as the Gangrel primogen, Levi) and his girlfriend, Erin. We all end up having a meal together and just chatting the night away. The conversation ranged from scary movies to motorcycles to relationships with parents to how to wake a person up to religion to... (you get the picture.)

I'm not sure when Mike and Erin leave but Eric and I are still WIDE awake and keep talking. The conversation turns more intimate and personal - but not in a sexual way. More in an opening, trusting way. It was pretty cool. A lot of things were said that I think needed to be said. A tying up of loose ends. A way of making amends and coming to a new understanding.

It was the kind of conversation that brings close friends closer and turns decent buddies into lifelong friends.

About 4:45 am, we leave the resturaunt but end up talking in the parking lot. More things that needed and wanted to be said now that an understanding and trust was reached. Eric and I have had a long and 'interesting' (read: 'sometimes volitile') past.

5:45am I decide that I need to leave. I'm not tired. Not at all. But, part of me really wanted to leave while he and I still had words to share. So we would leave more words for 'next time.' I don't know why. It was important to me. Sort of like: leave them wanting more. Only, it was: leaving -me- wanting more.

I'm so glad Eric and I have reached this stage in our friendship.

Mom and Dad wrote me back. It's not nearly as bad as I had expected... Nor anywhere near as good as I had hoped. I am going to respond but only once more. This sort of conversation needs to be done face to face and not over the email where nuances and body language is lost.

However, I'm not ready nor willing to have this sort of conversation with my parents, yet.

6:23am. Well, look at that. The sun's coming up.

It's a beautiful sight. The horizon line going from pink-blue to orange to an orange-gold as the sun peeks over the hills. I don't remember the last time I watched the sun rise. Beautiful... just beautiful.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Make new friends, but keep the old ones... One is silver, and the other gold."

I finally went to bed around 7am and dozed fitfully until about noon. Then, I got up and searched the web for a name for my new Aragon character. I found the coolest site: Catala's Magickal Names. It's a list of names and any mystical, pagan, mythical meanings.

So, finally, I decided on Edana (E-daN-ya) Hepburn, the great granddaughter (and Childer) of Sir Francis Hepburn, the "Wizard Earl" of Bothwell. Edana means "little fire." I just liked the sound of it. It's different and strange. Perfect for this character - the Duke of Aragon. She is playing up the mystical side of the Tremere and rules with a iron fist, sheathed in a velvet glove.

Donna and Paul were home when I got home from the Aragon meeting last night. Paul doesn't look like he's leaving anytime soon. *growl* To my credit it, when I wasn't ignoring him, I was polite. Very polite.

I really want to grab Donna by the shoulders and shout, "What the hell are you doing, woman?!!" And I really want Paul to leave.

Well, lately I've been thinking about getting my own place again. (Because if Paul moves in, I am SO gone! I may stick it out until I am debt free but, no longer.) Moving would have both merits and flaws.

Biggest flaws:

• Money - it will more than double my rent and add on extra bills like water, heat, garbage, etc...
• Cleaning - I'd have to buckle down and do all the cleaning. Unless I hired a maid to come in twice a month, then that goes under money.
• Money - I would have to buy furniture like: Dining room table, couch, new computer desk, living room table, etc...
• Company - I really would be all alone. Then again, this is also a merit.

Biggest merits:

• NO PAUL!
• My place - to decorate and fix up the way I wanted.
• I would be alone - to walk around my house/apt naked if I wanted!
• Gosh, I think I would feel like a 'grown-up.' I've never actually lived in a place that either had no roommates and didn't belong to a friend.
• No more fighting over my parking space!

So, as you can see, I have some things to think about. But, hopefully, Paul will be leaving soon and I can knock some sense into Donna.

You see, if I do move out, I will actually have to consider -buying- a house... *shudder* Too scary for me!!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. - Henry Kissinger

Dealing with insomnia. It's just too hot to sleep. And I think since I was up all night Saturday to Sunday, I scrambled my sleep schedule. Hopefully, I'll sleep tomorrow night.

I talked to the nicest guy at Globalpresence, the host of FoxesHaven.com. All my emails to Foxelady and to "webmaster" have bounced. I have to admit that I had been getting very frustrated with the situation. So, I decided to call the ISP. It must be a small firm. I got a hold of Rick, who turns out to be the CEO. He was so very nice and helpful. Had me forward my emails to him and promised to take care of it immediately. Apparently, Foxelady was out of town and he was having to deal with a lot of bounced emails.

So, it looks like I'm going to get everything I want:

• The correct title.
• The correct formatting.
• A link back to my page.
• Removal of the phrase: "This is a Foxe's Haven Exclusive Article."

...

That was quick! He fixed everything. I'm happy!

Oh, happy day!! I finally grabbed Donna for a little chat and found out that NO! She and Paul are not getting back together. The only reason he is here now is because they had planned this vacation and put down a deposit. *happy dance* She and Paul are definitely over and are now 'going through the motions' (her words) on ending the relationship on a nice, neutral level.

And he's leaving today! (Oh, joyous thought!)

So, all my thoughts on finding a new place are gone again. All I need to worry about is doing such mundane things as cleaning. *grin*

I am such a happy camper.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: HAPPY BIRTHDAY VULPIN!!

My mailbox at work has migrated again. I'm not particularly surprised. It seems to be part of a great mailbox migration pattern that has occurred every 3-4 weeks since I arrived at S-S. You see, the mailbox name plates are magnetic and whenever we get a new employee, have a reorganization or whenever the admins just seem to feel like it, all of the mailboxs shift and migrate.

So, when I walked by the mailbox area, I was not surprised to see that my mailbox was not in the spot it was in yesterday. However, I was surprised to see a new breed of mailbox - ones with red and white name plates instead of black and white. *hmmmm* It seems that a new species has evolved... the Administratum mailbox or, the mailbox that has all the forms for the company.

Interesting. A major evolution in the mailbox species. I wonder if they will compete with each other for space and mates.

Been pondering my journal webrings. I'm thinking of joining a couple more and dropping one because I'm still in the waiting queue after 3+ months. But, I'm also thinking about how to organize and display them all without them cluttering up the bottom of my journal page. I'm not exactly sure what I will do. Perhaps make them all text or formatted the same way. Maybe something neat and concise.

I recieved this in the mail. I've decided that I'm going to resign, too. *grin*

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

So....here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause, "Tag! You're it."

Man! It was just such a good day over all! I'm still smiling.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "WHAT?! Just let me bend over, grab my ankles and breath slowly for a few moments." Steph, in response to discovering an item on eBay was going for $30,000

See Starkitten run.
See Starkitten play.
See Starkitten free as a bird.

See da boss come.
See da boss grin evilly.
See da boss put a leash on Starkitten.

Poor little Starkitten.

Well, if you couldn't tell, I've been electronically leashed! *EEEKKKKK* Tuesday, da boss calls out over the cube wall, "Jenn, how do you spell your last name?" I tell him. Then, I ask him why. "Well." He says, "I was talking to [the pointy-haired VP] and he noted that you were 'on-call' for CC and shouldn't you have a pager?"

Well, damn. I was wondering if they were going to leash me. I knew they would. It's really not so bad. I used to carry a pager all the time. For 3 years. Now, I suppose I can give my pager out to friends. I mean, if I'm going to have it. I might as well enjoy the benefits of it.

So, I wander into work yesterday morning and...

*EEEKKKKKKKKKKKKK*

My pager was already sitting on my desk. Man. They don't fool around when they want to tether you. It's one of those Motorola Alpha-Numeric pagers. You can page me via phone or email. In email, you can leave me actual messages. I'm torn between being completely horrified and thinking this is neat!

I'm sure I won't think it's neat the first time I'm paged at 11pm at night.

Yeah! I think I've found someone to go on my Castle Crawl with me! I was talking to Tess about having lived in Belgium and she was pouting about never going anywhere. She suggested that we up and visit Belgium now. That's when I told her about my Castle Crawl trip in 2000. I jokingly invited her along and she was flabbergasted, immediately accepting the invite.

"You serious?" I asked. "Heck, yes! I've been looking for someone go places with me for a LONG time!" Suddenly, a plan was born. Well, OK. A plan to plan was born. She and I are meeting up next Wednesday for some good old fashioned "Girl Talk" over pizza and ice cream. Now, we are going to start to plan Castle Crawl 2000.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10.

I wish I could get back into a writing mood. It's been several weeks since I wrote anything except my journal. Occassionally, I have these ideas that flitter through my mind, but like the fading dream, are impossible to capture. I look at some of my works in progress and I just can't work on them. I just don't feel like it.

I don't know why I get like this. There are weeks where I write thousands of words a day. And then, there are weeks like the passed couple, where I suddenly realize that nothing particularly creative has passed through my fingertips in way too long.

I have been trying to write a poem but my mind won't settle down on how I want to write it or what it is I really want to write. I have the vaguest concept but... nothing to pin down and work with. It's like my creative gland need recharging or something.

I wonder if this is what it is like for those people who say that they just can't write. They don't have the talent for it. What a frightening thought.

I'm going to die on February 20th, 2050. At least, that's what the DeathClock says. Well, not bad. I'll be 79. A nice long life. An amusing thought... Assuming that we don't blow ourselves up before then.

Thinking about this... I wonder. If I did actually know the day that I would die, would it change the way I lived? Especially, if it was so far in the future? Would I take more physical risks, thinking, I know I'll survive this. Or, would I be more conservative, wanting to care for myself as best I can so that I wouldn't accidently condemn myself to a life of pain or accidently maim myself.

What if it was a short time? Say, a couple of years or just a few months? What then? Would I be reckless and angry at having such a short life? Would I make the best of it, doing all those things that I've always wanted to do?

What would you do?

$500+ to get my car fixed - full tuned up, tire rotation and balance, and my brakes. It's a lot of money but worth it to keep myself out of an accident and from having to buy a new car. (A car that I will *OWN* in about 2 months.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, age 14.

Interesting. Three or four times now, I've found hits to my page because someone went into a search engine, looking for: Eden Blackthorn. Those of you who don't know, this is the psuedonym that I write under and have had several poems published under. This is intriguing to me, especially since my sitemeter tells me that this latest person is from Singapore.

Well, my car didn't cost as much as expected, a bit under $500. But, I ended up not getting my car until 2pm on Friday. They broke something as they were fixing the brakes on my car. Well, if something had to break, that was the right place and the right time. And, they didn't charge me for what broke. Which was pretty nice.

So, now, Dante is sitting pretty and running well. Taking good care of your car is important. It may cost a lot at the time but it will save you a lot in the long run.

I updated my "Journals I read" page.

Greg, David, Rich, Cil, Dave, Lori and I all headed out to see the Blair Witch Project and then to La Fondue, the only Fondue place in the area. When we got to the theatre, it was *PACKED* We could have gotten tickets for that night but we decided that we didn't want to see in the first 3 rows on the side. So, we got tickets for today, noon.

After that, we headed out to Saratoga for La Fondue. They don't take parties bigger than 6 and we had seven, so we had two tables - in different rooms. It was a bummer but still OK, cause I was sitting with Rich and Cil. It was a GOOD meal and I got to hear a lot of Rich's highschool day pranks. The dessert we had was White Chocolate and Amaretto. *MELT* It was so, so good!

It was really late when we got home. I passed out immediately and had weird dreams:

17 July 1999: A-Hunting We Will Go - Deep in the woods, hunting an unseen monster. Sometimes, the hunter becomes the hunted.

We had a Sake party at Rich and Cil's place. It was a lot of fun. I didn't really drink much but I did try each type of sake. Wow! I must get a bottle of that plum sake! It was so good.

There were a *lot* of people there. A couple I hadn't met before. So, that was nice, meeting new people. But, after a while, it got to be *too many* people. So, I took off at midnight, giving Greg and David a ride home. The party was in full swing still but since I was peopled out and I'm going to help Tess move, I figured that it would be best if I got my sleep.

There is nothing more annoying that recieving email from people who just simply expect that you will write them back and when you do, they don't like what you say. For example:

Date: Sat, 17 Jul 1999 19:59:50 -0400
From: Lord Nikon
To: skitten@best.com
Subject: sex kitten?

jenn,

Sorry, but I'm addicted to reading your web page. Yesterday I check your diary page 6 times before going to work!

Anyway, I lead a very boring life and could always use a friend (hint) (hint) LIfes to short to spend hours alone and no one to talk to...

Ok, lets get down to business. I would like to know what software you use to post your diary...just in case I decide to post one of my own.

I've only written one short story, an errotic thriller. However, it's not good to impose my distorted view on the world.

Maybe reading your page will inspire the uninspired to write something worth reading?

Lord Nikon

My response was:

Date: Sat, 17 Jul 1999 17:51:37 -0700 (PDT)
From: Starkitten
To: Lord Nikon
Subject: Re: sex kitten?

> Ok, lets get down to business. I would like to know what software you
> use to post your diary...just in case I decide to post one of my own.

I use word pad and hand code my journal.

> I've only written one short story, an errotic thriller. However, it's
> not good to impose my distorted view on the world.

Probably not.

> Maybe reading your page will inspire the uninspired to write something
> worth reading?

Not sure. Hope something helps.

Btw, skitten is -not- sex kitten. If you've been reading my journal like you said you have, you'd know that it was Starkitten.

Have a nice day. Jennifer

(Yes, I was short and polite. I know it.)

Within 15 minutes, I recieved this email:

You wrote:
>Btw, skitten is -not- sex kitten. If you've been reading my journal like
>you said you have, you'd know that it was Starkitten.

>Have a nice day.
>Jennifer

You don't sound to friendly at all, nothing like your diary. Besides, that was to get your attention. Unlike me, you probably get a lot of email and have a preception of how someone should respond in such a message.

I did read several parts of your diary, the part about the gothic night club and all your weird friends. The part about your job and how you wish to be a publish writer. However, it seems that after all that, I still do not know who you are. Maybe something is missing in your writing or perhaps I just don't care about details. We see what we want to see. I read a lot of stuff, so it's possible that my mind has combined someone's story with yours.

Well, it's raining outside (like it would be raining inside?, but since you don't know where I live, it could...)

Fairwell ------ Starkitten

"A thousand mile journey is started by taking the first step."

(Needless to say, I am -not- writing this joker back. I don't know where he got the idea of entitling his email 'sex kitten?' would be a good way to get my attention. All it did was annoy the hell out of me. And when I said so, obviously, I'm 'not friendly' and I'm 'not like my diary.' Great way to win friends and influence people, dude.

I really should take a page from BaddGrrl's page and just ignore emails like that. The only problem is that I do try to respond to any email I get. If someone took the time to write me, I should give the same courtesy. That's just me.)

OK. I'm going to talk about the Blair Witch Project below. I don't think I'm going to say anything that will be a spoiler but, just in case, you have been warned.

.

.

.

OK. First of all, it's a GREAT movie. Second of all, I really don't think I want to see it again. At least, not in the big theatre. Why not? Because I actually got motion sickness. I'm not kidding. The movie has a lot of first person perspective, fast motion, jerky angles. Half way through the movie, I notice I am getting hot and feeling sick. I have to roll up my sleeves to cool down some and keep my eyes closed so I don't barf.

One of the things I did not expect was to laugh. It wasn't intentional, but there were a lot of amusing little bits. Just like when we josh around with our friends. I could easily see Johanna as Heather, the lead on this film project.

Then, as things started going wrong and the kids reacted to it - poorly, angrily, hysterically... just like normal kids. To me, the audience just stopped moving and stopped talking. Occassionally, I would be aware of Rich giggling next to me. I don't know why he was giggling. A lot of times, it just wasn't funny. (The other people with me said that there was a lot of talking during the film. I never noticed it. Then again, I'm like that. I was focused on it. And when I'm like that, I can block everything else out.)

Also, I notice the lack of a soundtrack did a *LOT* to help the impact of the movie. No soundtrack. No easy pat ending. This was real life. Screw. It was scarey. I alway said that the music in a scarey movie really affected me. I was wrong. It is just the sound... scarey noises. And I didn't realize that silence could be so freaky until this movie.

It's not the best movie I've seen. Not by a long shot. But damn, it's one of the creepiest movies I've ever seen. And there are two facts that have come out of it...

1. I am -very- glad it's just a movie. There is no legend. The actors are alive. This didn't really happen. (Thank goodness.)

2. There is NO FREAKING WAY that anyone is going to get me to go camping anytime soon. Me and my overactive imagination would remember this film (and will for a LONG time) and I would have a horrible time sleeping.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "At least we know it's not rednecks. They just aren't that creative!" Mike, talking about finding some creepy hanging stick figures.

I picked up EricL at 9am and headed over to Tessa's place to help her move three doors down. I discovered that she lives very near Johanna, by Pleasant Hill. (At least, I think it's Pleasant Hill. Eric was giving me directions as I drove.) We were the first ones to arrived, even though I thought we'd be late.

Tess had to run off to Home Depot with Bud, her new housemate, for some paint for her room. She left me and Eric in charge to move as we wished. So, I took charge of the situation, started in the farthest back bedroom and directed Eric what to move as I packed stuff up. A little while later, another guy, Mike, showed up. I immediately put him to work. We had Tess' room done before she was back from Home Depot and she wasn't gone that long. She was impressed.

2 cousins and another guy, Jack, showed up over the next hour. I happily put them to work, too. Tess giggled about how I had just really gotten everyone moving. I had too. They were all strong guys and I was a not-so-strong girl. So, I did all the thinking and directing. (Besides, what are guys for, anyway?)

Don't get me wrong, I was hucking stuff up to that house, too. We moved a lot of BIG items: A desk, a baby grand piano, washer, dryer, queen-size bed, double bed and an 800 pound pool table. I'm *still* amazed that we managed to move the pool table. At one point, we had it on end on a dolly, heading to the back area, 5 of us on it with Eric to the side because of lack of room. I was pressed to the THORNY rose bush when the pool table came toppling towards me. Eric made this incredible save, pushing me into the thorn bush but keeping me from being -flattened- (and dead) in the rose bush. I can deal with picking thorns out of my butt over being flattened any day.

We stopped at 5pm, tired and dirty. I had skinned knuckles, rose thorn pricks all over my backside, a pulled butt muscle and a sun burned face. Actually, I think the day went pretty darned well. No one broke anything. No one ended up in the Emergency Room. Then, I headed home, showered and then picked up a couple of people for the Bedlam's Rest downtime meeting....

Erm... Um...

Come to think of it, I didn't see them in the house when I left. I really hope they had already gotten a ride home. Otherwise, I'm going to hear about it.

Oh, yeah. I saw THREE peregrine falcons on the way to Tess' place. I knew it would be a good day.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Sometimes, the best way to help is to get the hell out of the way.

Well, I didn't get a single thing done that I had planned to do. However, this doesn't mean it was a bad day. In fact, it was a good, incredibly productive day. Granted, it wasn't what I expected. Steph asked me a question and wanted an honest answer. She got it. It turned our small discussion into a 2 hour meeting that created a new process to make the QA department a LOT more of a team and the QA meetings less painful, more helpful and less time consuming.

Then, when Akien walked in, Steph and I double teamed him. He liked what we had come up with and immediately implimented it. (QA Meetings are on Mondays.)

So, I ended up writing two QA process documents and a lot of email. I look very good to the Boss right now. *grin*

I've been pondering my up-and-coming new obsession of Health and Fitness. It occurred to me that health and fitness does not mean just the body. It means the mind as well. Along with going to the doctor and perhaps a nutritionist, I've been thinking that maybe I should see a counselor, too. Johanna has suggested it before, but I've never done it.

Believe it or not, an invitation to lunch is what sparked this thought. Michael of Gazing Into The Abyss invited me to lunch or dinner because I've offered to help him shop for a new car. He thought it would be nice to meet up. He's been in California long enough and we'd been corresponding since before he got here.

My very first thought was that he wouldn't like me if he met me face-to-face. I'm too fat. I'm too shy. I'm not that interesting. I would babble. I would be [not good enough]. The horrible self esteem monster began to eat me alive.

As I pushed those thoughts aside, knowing they were stupid, I realized that I had a problem that I had not considered in planning for my up-and-coming new obsession of Health and Fitness. Some of my weight problem does involve my reaction to certain kinds of stress. When I was fighting with my parents over religion, I found myself wanting to eat my favorite comfort foods. To eat until I was full, even when I wasn't hungry. I wanted the pleasure of a full tummy. I stopped myself before I did it and that's a good thing.

However, it did not stop the problem. Nor deal with the fact that I do sometimes eat for comfort or to avoid self esteem issues. It is a real issue for me. And it's really hard to admit it. Admit that I have the problem and that I need help. Outside help.

I can get a doctor to make sure that I physically don't hurt myself. He can set the diet and the exercise regimen. But, I would be the one carrying it out. The doctor can recommend a nutritionist who can also set my dietary needs - telling me what I need and why. But, again, I would be the one carrying it out.

None of that would touch my mental baggage. The most vulnerable part of me.

What does this tell me? It's not going to be as 'easy' as I first thought. (I didn't think it would be easy in the first place.) So, now, I have to consider that I'm going to have deal with my mental 'weight.' And that would mean seeing a professional. A very scarey idea. But, probably a good one.

Man, with a doctor, a nutritionist and a couselor, the year 2000 is going to be "The Year of Me." That's narcissism for you.

Funny and completely WRONG Link of the Day.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Paint Monster Urine?
Akien: "What did they do to that hallway to make it smell like a Paint Monster urinated in the corner??

Steph: "What? What do you mean it smells like a Paint Monster urinated in the corner?

Jenn, Steph, Akien all walk out into the hallway and take a whiff.

Silence and wrinkled noses.

Me: "So, that's what Paint Monster Urine smells like." (A mixture of paint, turpentine, bleach and a hint of tabacco smoke.

Insomnia has been plaguing me lately. I watch 3am and and 4am go by as my mind refuses to quiet. I have been plagued with thoughts of games, work, writing, world peace, God, parents, weather, friends... and the list goes on.

Even when I try to put my mind at ease, trying various relaxation techniques, I end up sabotaging myself. Mostly by waking myself with various snoring noises or the 'falling sensation' feeling. Half the time, I wake myself up completely. Rather annoying actually.

When I do sleep, I have odd dreams. Such as: Courtesan: As both a QA Engineer and a Courtesan, I struggle to be an independant woman as well as survive those who do not understand me.

As you can tell by my dream from above, I recently watched Dangerous Beauty. This has sparked a bit of contemplation which has led to this day's Can O'Worms(TM) discourse on Legalizing Prostitution. (I will be dealing from the female POV but this can be applied to the male gender, too.)

A woman can sell her words, her looks, her voice, her body for pornos, movies, pictures, recordings, etc... However, she cannot sell her body for sex to the highest bidder. I find this ironic and harmful. Because prostitution is illegal in most places, we have things like the Heidi Fleiss scandal.

If prostitution were widely legal, the government could regulate and tax it. Make sure that the girls had weekly health check ups, allow women to go into business for themselves, put a serious dent into organized crime.

It would also allow for a new strata of professionalism - from the low end prostitute to the high end professional courtesan. Much like a waitress - the difference between the waitress at Denny's or the waitress at a five star resturaunt. Or a hairstylist from Supercuts versus the hairstylist on 5th Avenue. It is the same job with different levels of professionalism and class.

In the old days, when royal courtesans were common, the courtesan was the most well read, politically astute, witty woman around. She had to be beautiful, smart, entertaining in and out of bed and have the sort of temperment that would make someone looking like Bill Gates or having the personality of Ted Kennedy feel like he was most handsome, interesting man in the world and the only man for her. Also, she had to be able to bed them without a hint of distaste.

I'm sure it was not always a pleasant job.

Fast forward to present day. I'm sure there would be a large variety of levels for those women selling their sex for money and power. The corner whore. The house slut. The high priced call girl. And, the top of the food chain, the courtesan who was as well read as she was well bred.

Imagine the high powered businessman having an important party for clients and peers. He could hire several courtesans to make sure that his party is a success on all levels - the conversation interesting, the scenery beautiful and the guests happy.

So, why isn't prostitution legalized? Some say it is a moral issue. The 'standards' of the country do not allow or condone sex outside of married. Perhaps, it is a religious issue. Others say that it is actually an organized crime issue. Using the money from illegal prostitution, organized crime is flooding our government with money to make sure that their illegal livilihood stays illegal.

I think prostitution should be legalized, taxed and regulated. I know many people would agree and many would disagree. What do you think? Drop me a line.

I'm way bummed. My not sleeping got the best of me yesterday. I was way too tired to head into the City to Roderick's to see Faith & The Muse, a gothic band that I like. I had to suffice with listening to their CD Elyria. *pout* I need to deal with this insomnia soon. I hear melatonin is good for helping one go to sleep. I'm going to have to look into it.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Modest. And much to be modest about!" Sir August to John Steed in The Avengers.

Have you ever done something that you completely regret? Wished that you could go back in time and erase a horrible mistake? You know that moment when you suddenly realize that not only have you fucked up, you have fucked up so badly that you don't know if you can fix it? Your stomach hits the ground. Your mouth goes dry. You can't breath. The sense of dread is overwhelming.

I did something stupid. Really stupid. It isn't completely my fault but it is still my fault and all I can do is beg for forgiveness and hope that he will give it to me.

I was supposed to go see Terry. To give him a hand, give him a shoulder to lean on, to be there for him. He has a lot of problems to deal with and some of them I could at least help point him in the right direction. Give him something to hold on to while he dealt with the personal issues that I can't help him with.

He was supposed to call me and let me know if I could come over. He didn't call when he said he would. No biggie. He said he might have to deal with one of his problems. I took a nap when I got home. Another friend, EricL, called, waking me up. I was groggy, tired, annoyed. I was still hoping Terry would call. I was short with Eric and pretty much hung up on him to get him off the phone just in case Terry did call.

Later in the evening, I talked to Eric again and discovered that Tess went to see Terry because he 'needed a shoulder.' I got so furious. I know that Tess is better friend to Terry, understands him more. They went to college together. But still, couldn't he have at least called or sent me an email saying, "not tonight"? I decided that enough was enough and wrote him an email asking for communication and respect. I know better than to write emails when I'm upset but I did it anyway. I was tired, angry, hurt. I wanted him to treat me better. As his friend, I deserved it. The words had tumbled from my brain onto the page.

Still upset about the situation, I ended up on the phone with Johanna. We talked for a long time and then my pager went off. Someone left a voicemail. I said good night to her and checked my messages. It was Terry. The pain and anger in his voice surprised me. I felt my stomach hit the ground as he said, "And as for flaking, I called you this afternoon and all you did was mumble something about me waking you up and then you hung up on me!"

Oh my God.

My heart stopped and I couldn't breath. That hadn't been Eric on the phone earlier. It was Terry. I had been short with him and hung up on him. He called me because he wanted me to come over and he needed me and I -completely- blew him off. I thought I was going to be sick. Not only had I thrown an undeserved hissy fit, I had done the worst thing I could think of against a friend. -I- flaked on him when he needed me most.

I immediately called him back but got his voice mail. I guess he turned his phone off. I don't blame him. I ended up leaving two voice mails and sending three emails that night, trying to explain what had happened.

I feel so angry at myself and so helpless. I don't know what I can do to help fix the problem.... if there is anything I can do.

There are so many things that I could have and should have done that would have prevented this situation. But that is all in the past. I can't change it. I wish to God that I could but I can't. All I can do is try to undo the harm that I have done.

I just had dinner with Tess. I feel so much better. I talked to her about a lot of things. And vice versa. She and I click so well. It was funny, we went out to dinner and ended up ordering the same thing with the same side dishes and everything. I told her that if she was a guy, I would be so hot to date her! It was good to talk to her about the Terry situation. I think she had a lot of good advice.

It's actually pretty rare for me to click this well with a female. But, then again, Tess, like me, isn't a 'girly' female. We both can dress to the nines but mostly, we are pretty casual. We also have a lot of the same hang ups and insecurities. She really understands some of the issues I have, just as I understand her. And she doesn't let me go too deep into the self pity thing. No patience for it. That's pretty cool.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

I just got back from the best dentist appointment I've had in a long time. Doctor Sutedja is awesome! He's nice, friendly and very caring. He really wants you to understand what he's doing and why. When he hurts you, he apologizes. My cleaning was amazingly painless for the most part. It was this neat ultrasonic thingy. I was expecting the old dental floss and toothpick scraping routine that hurts so much! Not here. Doc is up on the latest medical machines.

He's also darned good informationally. He took one look at my old fillings and said, "Wow, I can see that your fillings are at least 15 years old." Right on! 15-17 years. So, there was good news and bad news. Good news, only one new filling. He's going to yank out all of the old ones and give me new, non-mental fillings. Bad news, I have the beginnings of gum disease. It's not too bad, but it ain't good. He can fix it without oral surgery. That's good.

Doc also taught me a new way to brush my teeth. "You have to brush for at least 3 minutes at a time. Otherwise, you're just redistributing the plaque." He says and then showed me how to brush two teeth at a time. First back and forth and then brushing the plaque away from the tooth. It's going to be odd getting used to this new way of brushing.

And thank goodness for benefits! I have to go back at least two more times for everything. They showed me the whole amount. Then how much insurance covered and how much I would have to pay. Fortunately, it was quite liveable and I just paid for everything upfront so I don't have to worry about it.

One new filling, replacing all the old fillings and the beginnings of gum disease. Not great but not bad for not seeing a dentist in like four years.

Well, it's pretty official, Terry's not talking to me right now. He's not in the right headspace, as he said "to discuss it calmly or fairly." So, the best thing for both of us, to preserve our friendship, is for me to walk away until he is ready to talk to me again.

I don't think I need to tell you all how sad this makes me. And the worst part is that it's my own fault.

I don't know about you but when I get an unexpected letter from the IRS, I get nervous. I know I have nothing to be nervous about and I could pass any audit without a problem but still... I opened the letter nervously and began to read...

"We changed your account. We changed your 1997 account to correct your excess social security tax and RRTA tax withheld... *blah*blah*blah* ... Amount to be refunded to you... $313... You may have already received this check. If not, please allow 2 weeks for it to be mailed..."

HOLY TOLEDO!! Let me get this straight... The IRS is -GIVING- me money??? *looks to see what color the sky is* Blue... ok... *reread* Well, hot damn. That's awesome! A great little unexpected windfall!! *bounce*bounce*bounce* (Of course, it was already mine before taxes but I didn't expect to get any 'excess' back!)

I think I have finally have figured out what it is about slender women that I really envy. Their slender thighs. Not because of the way they look. Simply because they don't rub together when you walk.

I was thinking about this as I threw out my second pair of black pants that had holes on the inner thighs. Slender women don't have to deal with their thighs sweating and rubbing, causing tenderness and heat rash. You can't wear skirts with out nylons and even then, you can still end up with heat rash. You definitely can't wear loose shorts without getting that oh-SO-attractive shorts creep.

Yes. That is definitely one of those things I do envy about slender women.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Gifts come from the most unexpected places.

More interesting dreams. I have *got* to go to Bay Books now. Just to see if I can get the fifth book of the Magical Philosophy (I have 1, 2, 4) or to meet this interesting guy. Either will do. *grin* It would be awesome to meet someone like that. *hmmmm* Let's hope this dream is a bit precognitive.

I was walking along outside, next to a steep ravine made mostly of a light brownish rock. It seemed to have the constitancy of slate. I dropped a small rock down the side of it and it hit a large boulder, jostling it. Intrigued that such a small rock could jostle a much larger rock, I dropped another, causing the boulder to tumble and landslide into the ravine below. I really liked the sound of the rock tumbles echoing and I knew there was an important lesson to be learned by the landslide and the echos. Then, I shoved a small pile of rocks over the edge, watching the larger landslide into the bottom of the ravin. The sound was just so cool!

Then, I skipped along a trail through the trees and into a secret hidden door. It was an entrance back into another world, our world. Back into Bay Books, somewhere in the back part, in a hidden room. There was a little boy there would had discovered another entrance to the hidden worlds. He was afraid, but intrigue. He wanted to go into it, but didn't know if he should. I walked up to him, introduced myself and encouraged him to explore. "If you found the entrance, you were meant to explore it." Bolstered, he did.

I went inside the store, meeting up with the owner of Bay Books. (Which was now at least two levels and had a bunch maze like corridors of book shelves.) He was an older man like Merlyn and he was my mentor. In his hand, was the the fifth book of the Magical Philosophy series and another book on fantasy. He was grumbling how the Magical Philosophy did -not- belong in the Fantasy section. I didn't have that last book in the series and was very excited to see it. Then, I got distracted by talking to Greg. My mentor was forgetful and put the book I wanted back on the shelves. As it is a rare book and highly sought after, Greg and I went tearing through the place, frantic to find it. The bookstore was *packed* and I just knew someone else was going to get it. We did a LOT of looking through a LOT of books.

Finally, I saw it. A very nice looking guy had just purchased it. He was dressed in a casual nice fashion and had the coolest looking cornblond hair. I really, really wanted that book. So, I walked up to talk to him. It took me a little bit to get his attention. Like he didn't realize that I was speaking to him. When I finally did catch his eyes and he turned towards me, I said, "I saw that you bought the fifth book in the Magical Philosophy. It is the only book in the series I don't have. I was wondering if I could purchase it from you for say $15?" (It was orginially $10.)

He smiled, looking at me carefully. "Well," he said. "First... you aren't Derek Dinkleberry, are you?"

I was very confused. I looked down at my obvious female assets and than look at my hands. "Um. No...?"

"He was 16th century evil mage." The young man laughed, making me laugh. Then, I suddenly got the impression that my mentor watching us and that this meeting was suppose to happen.

FADE.

I got the urge to game on Friday night and there was no ShadowRun game... so, I talked to Johanna and then we, together, conned Alex into running. At first, it was going to be his AD&D campaign. But, somewhere between the time of me getting of work and to Alex and Johanna's place, Eric was invited in and the subject of playing Star Wars came up. I said "Yes!"

I am playing a young senatorial named Duvessa Li'Cidan. She is 18 - old enough to know better but young enough to be stupid about not caring. At least, that was the idea. A young Duke's daughter who knows someone on just about every planet. She is GREAT! A fluffy character. And this game is all about quips, puns and witty commentary.

Also, as Johanna says, I am NOT going to write stories about this character! (Though, Alex is betting within three games, I will be.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "They -singed- my hair!!" Duvessa cried out in anger and then stepped out into the street, firing off a lethal shot into the stormtrooper who dared to fire upon her.

I spent the day with Johanna, observing her birthday (which had been on the 22nd). First, it was lunch at Red Robin with Alex. Then, me and Johanna headed off to Bay Books. I had to go after that dream - just to see if the book or the guy was there. But alas... neither the book nor the guy was there. Though, I admit, I would have been VERY surprised if that guy had been there... and probably wouldn't have known what to do at that point.

Then, we went to see Eyes Wide Shut. (SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT!!) What can I say. It was a Kubrick film. I actually did like it and didn't realize that it was 2 hours and 40 minutes long. The pacing was very deliberate, but sometimes languid in spots. It was definitely a movie made by a guy with a guy's point of view. Interesting to watch.

I have to admit, there were parts that I was utterly entranced by and there were parts that made me go... "Huh?" To me, it felt like Kubrick grabbed the middle 2/3rd of a book and just filmed that much of the story. My first thought at the sudden ending was, "Wait! That's it? Where's the last chapter? What actually happened? Who were those masked men?"

Now I realize that that is exactly what Kubrick wanted to do. He left you wanting more - Wondering what happened to the piano player. Wondering if the masked men actually killed the prostitute or if it was staged. Wondering what would happen now.

Much like The Blair Witch Project, I know I will be thinking about bits and pieces of Eyes Wide Shut for weeks to come.

It's almost midnight now. Scott is still throwing a 'bar-b-que' party that started at 2pm and is STILL going strong. I literally had to walk over all the kids (ages 16-20) sprawled throughout the livingroom. I got one hello ("Hello Scott's roommate!") from a guy I didn't know. I guess they were warned that I would be coming home and not to panic.

I don't recognize the music coming from the living room that I'm hearing through my den door. I wonder if I'm going to get any sleep tonight.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Marriage is interesting in the fact that it requires deception on the part of both parties involved." -Eyes Wide Shut.

If you couldn't tell by the title, this entry is mostly about my experiences Sunday playing Elizabeth Bannister in the Bedlam's Rest LARP that I hosted at my house.

The day started harmlessly enough with me getting up late - Scott's party was still raging at 3am, at which point I politely suggested that he turn down the music before someone called the cops. He did.

So, anyway, amazingly enough, Scott was doing an pretty good job of cleaning up after his party so that I wouldn't have to do too much for my LARP. I paused to go shopping, looking for something to wear and I swear, I went looking for something that wasn't black. Unfortunately, the only things I liked were black. Ah, well.

Got back home. Cleaned some more, did email, yadda-yadda-ya. Rob and Lisa were the first ones to show up for once. Wow! That was cool. We got everything set up before people arrived.

The game went smoothly enough for me. I was in my "Lady Herald" persona for most of the whole night, being a proper messanger for Prince Audran. I was in the Prince's office reading (an old journal of mine *eek*!) and was startled when several primogen members and the Prince brough in the naked, burned body of a Ventrue neonate who had been captured by the Asian Kindred. I heard about the attempted kidnapping of Johanna's character, Rebecca,but did not get involved.

The two highlights of the evening came in fairly close succession for me.

First, Tavis March, one of the Toreador Ancille got snotty with me. So, I got to take him into a back room and beat the snot out of him mentally and physically for disrespecting an Elder. It was delicious to toss him out the door, into the hallway where he crumpled into a trembling, bleeding ball. I stepped over him, paused to look down at him, saying "Now, you will remember your place." My primogen looked at me as I stalked down the hallway towards him and the Malkavian primogen (who must have told Tim what had happened) and shook his head. Then, he called the people around Tavis away, saying, "Leave him be. He's got to learn that's what you get when you disrepect Elders." I have to compliment Ethan. He did a great job as Tavis in pain and frightened.

Second, I was speaking with one of my neonate Toreador, Myrrh when the 'elevator' door opened and two people, bristling with weapons walked out firing. It was like a scene from "The Matrix." I was *SURE* I was about to be swiss cheese. Fortunately, there was a (Bravo/Martyr) gangrel who sensed the danger (as I did) and bolted towards the machine gun weilding manic to stop him. And thus, had his head blown off. As, I was bolting, pushing Myrrh in front of me, several others were gunned down and the last thing I saw was the Ventrue Primogen grappling with the gunman. I discovered later that there was only one death (the gangrel) and two torpored.... and this whole thing had been a distraction so an Assimite could try to kill the Prince. The Assimite failed.

I think all of the attacks had something to do with the fact that a bunch of us had gotten our influences together to kick the Asian Gangs out of our territory.

In any case, that combat ended the evening. I and several others headed out to the newly refurbished Denny's for food. On the way over with Eric, I suddenly realized that I had not eaten at all, the whole day! I found it amusing and surprising. We ate and chatted and then tiredness smacked me upside the head in a MAJOR way. So, I got home at 2am and did a faceplant in bed and didn't move until my alarm went off this morning.

(PS: Nick, I think you walked off with my book. Let me know if you have it.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "This is SO 'Saved By The Bell!'" - a girl's comment about the new decorations in the newly refurbished Denny's.

It was a definite Monday. I had meetings half of the day and the other half of the day, I was trying to get my action items done in time for the next meeting. It made for a long but short day. You know, the one that seems so long but at the same time,you are asking, "Where did the day go?"

So, basically, it was a pretty unexciting as days go.

I did have a talk with BrianB. We are meeting up for dinner on Wednesday night. We are going to brainstorm for plot ideas for the neonates because most of the plot ideas seem to be geared towards or snapped up by the Elders. So, I'm going to pick up the backgrounds from Rob and together, BrianB and are going to see what we can come up with involving the neonate backgrounds.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "You can tell alot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans." -Ronald Reagan

I had a dream yesterday morning. It was one of those funky cool dreams. I was walking on the arm of BrianT through a gothic club. I was the one everyone wanted. As we walked through, I would catch people's eyes. They would seem hopeful and would preen but then, I would pretend not to see them. The more I ignored them, the more they wanted me.

But that wasn't the cool part was this dream... The kiss was.

I was standing with Brian outside of his house, under a tree. He quipped something to me as we were standing close. I looked at him and at that instant I knew he was going to kiss me... we were going to kiss each other. It was slow and sensual at first. Each of us wordlessly discovering the nuances of each other's style of passion. Then, the kiss grew as we became more familiar, more comfortable, more intimate. Moving closer to feel more of him, I put my hand behind his neck as he squeezed my waist, his hand exploring my lower back. The kiss became more passionate, more intense, more bold. We were both so intuned to each other. Nothing else mattered. I knew exactly how to kiss him to drive him crazy...

It was the kind of kiss where you start out offering just your lips but end up giving your soul.

I was talking to Steph at work and, somehow, we got on the topic of the hardware guys. There are two incredibly cute ones: Scott, the tall, blond, gorgeous, married (damn) one. Kevin, the shorter, darker, gorgeous, shy one.

Steph then told me about Kevin, how he was once in the Taiwanese military. If you talk to him, he'd just blow it off as having been drafted into the military for a couple of years. In fact, he was a member of the Taiwanese Imperial Guard. You know, those guys who learn every which way on how to kill a man, especially how to assassinate an Emperor and learn how to stop an Emperor from being assassinated while taking out the assassin. Yes, unassuming cute Kevin was once a lethal killing machine and probably still is.

Oh my. Oh my, indeed!

This puts a whole new spin on things.

*Jenn goes off into La-La Land for a bit.*

Oh. Sorry about that. Well, as I told Steph, "Boy, this adds a whole new dimension to the fantasy." She just grinned and agreed.

Had a chat with da Boss today. The first thing he asked me was how I was doing. I told him I was fine and realized that I really was fine. I was better than fine, I was happy. Really happy. I realized that despite the fact that I was made into the Process Maeven (Yes, I am RedTapeChick and her sidekick FlowChartGirl) and there are certain things about my job that I'm not thrilled about, I really am happy where I am now. I like the job, the place, the perks and the people. I'm really a lot more comfortable and secure now.

And Akien says that I can decorate the Cave as long it isn't too expensive! (My office, which has five small 6' x 7' cubes. I'm figuring on a Cave theme. Maybe caverns or perhaps, a castle stone look.)

It's nice to have a home.

I've decided that I need a digital camera. Something fairly inexpensive with decent resolution. Any suggestions?

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: From Buffy, The Vampire Slayer.
"What do I have?" -Xander
"An exciting new obsession and I think makes you very special. -Oz

Love Being Evil.

I went to lunch with Michael of Gazing into the Abyss and Casey at a place called "Clark's." It was an OK place to go. The food was good. The atmosphere was OK. Michael can be best described as "Mostly Harmless." *hehehe* Actually, he was pretty cool. Though, I thought he'd be taller than he was. Maybe it's because of his writing style. *smile*

Casey was endlessly amused at me as I had been a skittish kitten. I'm not too good about meeting new people. Then, he was watching me as we talked, seeing when I was trying not to say something stupid and knowing when to talk and when to stay quiet. Casey is a good friend. He's known me for a long, long time.

Oh, dear... Evil abounds! The evening started out with just me and BrianB getting together to do some neonate/ancille plotline brainstorming for the Bedlam's Rest LARP. Then, Brian asked if Dale could join, that he was very interested. I said sure. Then, we hit on a plotline that needed an OK from another person and then suddenly, DJ was over at my house, brainstorming with us.

Oh... what evil, wicked people we four are.

We hit on a plotline that will probably involve 90% of all the playership, starting with the neonates. It is so incredibly cool, a bit cruel and possibly a bit dangerous. It will also be fun and confusing. A good time to be had by all.

I almost feel sorry for everyone... almost.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "They should never let the four of us get together to scheme. They won't know what hit them." - DJ, during the brainstorming session.

Short Hair & Hard Truths

I finally did it. I got six inches cut off. It feels so much lighter and 'swishy.' It's fun! I'm definitely not used to the cut, yet, but it does look good. I needed a change and I got one. That's for sure.

I went to lunch with BrianT yesterday. I have to say, if nothing else, it was enlightening. We talked about a lot of stuff - mostly gaming. Then, he mentioned that one of our (oh-SO-gossipy) friends, who reads this journal, cut and paste the dream I had about Brian and emailed it to him. Brian was obviously a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing and asked me politely to say "a friend" the next time I have a dream like that with him in it. After that, he and I spoke about more important matters and he told me some hard truths. Some things that I have been (and still am) seriously thinking about.

One thing I have to thank him on. At least, he was honest - and honest to my face.

After lunch, I was going to go shopping, but I got distracted by my thoughts and went into auto-mode. Before I knew it, I had driven home and was already half way up my sidewalk. I took it as a sign that I needed to do some thinking before I did any shopping.

I finally decided that if I am going to talk about anything of a 'sensitive' nature (IE: erotic dreams, fights, love lives, etc...) about any of my friends, I am going to substitute [a male friend] or [a female aquaintance] instead of their name. That will solve my dilemma of wanting to talk about it and respecting their privacy. I think it is a good solution.

A big thanks to Christina. Just as I was seriously considering going to a private (offline) journal, she sends me an email complimenting me on my journal. It really made me smile amongst all my doubt.

Had a nice LONG talk with Ice. It helped my mood immensely. So, in the immortal words of Cartman, "Screw you guys, I'm going home!" (Joke! Joke!)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "I wouldn't want six inches of any part of me cut off!!" Brian to me over lunch about my hair.

Fundamental Thoughts

Last night I had thought to indulge myself with bad movies, Glamour magazine, junk food and anything else indulgent that I could find. Anything to get rid of my 'dangling in the wind' feeling. I even went grocery shopping - which was an amazing experience. Either someone put something in the air or they were expecting a 'secret shopper.' Everyone was very polite and pleasant to me. I don't think I heard "Have a great day." so many times in such a short space.

But, just as I was settling down to into my indulgence, Johanna called. "I just thought you might want some company tonight." She was right. But I wasn't going call anyone. But since she called and she knew what was up, I was glad for the company. She knows me well. Sometimes, too well, I think. And I can't figure out if that's good or bad.

We went over to visit Rob for a bit. It was fun. A couple of coolers, some pizza rolls, meandering talk and "Legend" on the TV. Lisa came home at 11pm after being out with her co-workers where she learned 'more than she ever wanted to know' about the people she works with. It was good to see Lisa feeling better. I've been a little worried about her lately. We chatted until midnight and then I headed home.

Without Johanna in the car to distract me, my mind wandered over things that a couple of friends had said or implied to me over the past week. One thing kept coming out into the forefront. Something incredibly opposed to my own fundamental train of thought:

The deliberate decision to not be friends with someone because they would not be good for you.

Perhaps I am naive or too darned nice for my own good, but this thought line seems incredibly rude, unfair and arrogant. I enjoy people. I think everyone should have a fair shake and I believe that you can learn something from everyone.

Yet, as I think over my past and some of the more difficult times I've had with some of my more difficult friends, I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen not to care so much about them. Would my life have been better? I don't know. But I still wonder if my own fundamental train of thought - one I have been relying on for all my life - has been bad for me. Sabotaging me. Making my life more difficult than it should be.

It's something I don't want to think about.

Yet, the other side of me argues that some things work for some people. And other things work for other people. I have gained much from all of those people I have spent time with. Each of them has added to who I am.

I'm not done mulling over this thought line. I don't if I'll ever lay it to rest to my satisfaction.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "There are two kinds of people in the world: those who have already betrayed you and those who eventually will. A friend is someone from whom you won't even see it coming." -Benoni, independently legislated urban ranger.