July 2007

Wishes Come True
We all have wishes that we want to come true. Big wishes and little wishes. Most of us need to make those wishes come true for ourselves because no one else will do it for us. Doing for ourselves doesn't lessen wonderfulness of the granted wish however, having one's own wish granter is often a wish in-and-of itself.

Somehow, I got incredibly lucky. My dearest of my heart is such a man. He listens to my random wishes when we talk. He remembers them. He makes some of them come true.

This past week, he surprised me with a trip to Port Townsend and booked us a night at Manresa Castle. I have wanted to go to Port Townsend ever since Alex ran a bunch of us in a long term Vampire: The Masquerade game called City of Dreams. Most of the other players in the game had made it up to this historic bay side town and raved about its interesting history and gorgeous architecture. I really wanted to go and I mentioned that to Jeff.

When I say "surprise" I mean he kept it a surprise for about two weeks before I guessed what it was. So, since I guessed that surprise, he had to plan another surprise based on another wish of mine. After a day of wandering Port Townsend and enjoying the sites, then a night at Manresa Castle, I thought we were headed home. Or, at least in the direction of home. I had no idea what this new surprise was. None. So, when we drove to the dock area of Port Townsend, I was very confused... until I saw the sign at the little shop we stopped at:

Whale Watching.

Wow. I was shocked, surprised and very pleased. I have never gone whale watching before and I have always wanted to. It was something that came up when we were talking about our forthcoming Hawaii trip. It was a four hour trip out to see three different pods of Orca whales and they were gorgeous! Just gorgeous. There were so many of them. I know that Jeff got a couple of good pictures, too.

So, now, I've gotten three ... no, four... wishes fulfilled. I've been to Port Townsend. I've stayed at Castle Manresa. I've gone whale watching. I am dating the most awesome guy in the world who not only randomly brings me flowers; he tries to make my wishes come true. I'm so happy I could explode in a confetti of squeaks and satin hearts.

The coolest thing about all this? He challenges me to do and be the person I've always wanted to be. I'm not the adult in the relationship. I'm an equal partner and I have to remember that. That's the best gift of all. It is one I would like to return to him in kind.

I have just ended my sixth month of my Writing Sabbatical Year. Let's see where my Year-to-Date report card is:

Rage, Writing, Rent
On the writing front, things are in motion. I've broken the 20K word count mark on Novel #2 and finally, finally, ritualistically killed off the dude that I've wanted to kill off for 10,000 words. But, stuff and things like character development and the logical progression of the story kept interrupting me. A novel is not just a series of events. Still, sometimes, I get really impatient wanting to get to a "good part" of a story that I'm writing. I don't have the next BIG event in mind for Novel #2 and I have realized that the anti-hero needs to have some time being who he is in the capital city before the antagonist catches up to him for the last bit of cat-and-mouse and the final showdown.

In the meantime, interesting things are happening on the TEoP front and the RPG front and I also just got the final draft of my story "Twenty Questions" to review for the "In Bad Dreams" anthology. I hope to be more than 50% through Novel #2 by the time that Gen Con rolls around in three weeks or so.

Other than that, it is really hard to write about writing when you are spending most of your time with your head down and your fingers on the keyboard.

On wanting things... I am a planner. I have many things planned out between now and the end of the year. No joke. This includes four trips and one visitation. Not to mention my move from my condo in Redmond to a house in Bothell in Jan 2008. At the end of 2007, my Writing Year Sabbatical will be over. I have always known I would have three choices after that was over to deal with things:

1. Keep the condo. Go back to being an engineer. Pay off debt.

2. Move. Rent out the condo. Go back to being an engineer. Pay off debt while accruing equity in the condo.

3. Move. Sell the condo. Pay off all debts (including the car). Go back to being an engineer.

For the past three months, I have vacillated between options 2 and 3. Then, I watched "Maxed Out" which is a documentary about the sad state of credit card debt in the US and realized that option #2 would still be too stressful for me. I am a freak about being in debt. Since I am very emotional about money, I looked at things from a very logical, by-the-numbers approach.

I worked out the amount of money I was spending now versus what I would be spending in options 2 and 3. With option #2, I would drop the amount of money I was spending by 50% but I would still be responsible for 110%. This is me being responsible for my mortgage, HOA, car, etc., plus the extra rent I will be paying at the new place. With option #3, I would drop the amount of money I would be spending (and be responsible for) by 77% and have me walk away with a tidy sum of cash. 77 percent! That is reducing my monthly monetary footprint by more than 2/3rds of what I am shelling out now.

Yes, I will miss out on three more years of home equity and possible rising house costs (only three years because I've lived here for four and I would have to sell in three to save on capital gains). But, I will also miss out on worrying over what the renters were doing to my house, whether or not they would turn into nightmare tenants that I couldn't have evicted and whether or not I would end up going into even more debt. I think starting with a clean slate and a tidy sum to invest is worth the uncertain possibility of home equity gain or loss.

So, now that I've made my decision, I really want things to get rolling now. I want to already have had the trips and family visits. I want to already be moving. I'm impatient and anticipatory. I know why I'm waiting. I have all the reasons in the world to wait. That does stop me from wanting. I can see a lot of good things in the future. I'm just going to have to calm down and enjoy the present as well.

A friend of mind recently talked about having a problem with rage. That he has "just a lot of free floating rage which I usually keep tightly wrapped." He and I have a lot of things in common. A lot of likes and dislikes. A lot of the same quirks. I also have a lot of rage in me. I always have. However, I grew up in a household where temper tantrums, or even speaking out when upset, was neither allowed nor tolerated. My immediate and ingrain reaction to my anger is to clamp down tight on it and let it sit in the back of my mind until I can deal with it.

I don't think this is the best way for me to act sometimes. First, because sometimes my anger is justified and should be expressed. Second, because sometimes I can't always "deal" with it appropriately and I lash out at people and things that don't deserve it later. I had something like that happen to me today.

I don't like being angry. I don't like realizing my current anger is out of line for whatever is annoying me. I hate it went I can't control it and my little mantras ("All will be well" and "Let it go. Just let it go.") don't help.

I'm not sure what to do about this. It is just something I was thinking about today.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Ace of Wands, Inverted