July 2006

Facing Fears
I turned around and July is a third over. I want to know how I could have missed it starting up. Oh, yeah. I was on a plane, and then in CA for that weekend for Casey and Mary's wedding – which was, in a word, perfect. Perfect for them. Their personal vows to each other made me all weepy. I don't think I've ever gotten weepy at a wedding before.

While there, I unexpectedly saw some friends I had not seen in years. Saturday morning, I walked down to the Starbucks for my morning mocha and shocked the hell out of Rob and Lisa who were leaving there for Oz-Fest. It was good to chat with them. Saturday evening, after the wedding, I ended up at Rich and Cil's house. It had been months since I had seen them but it felt so comfortable and natural hanging out with them. Not like I was a 'guest' visiting from hundreds of miles away. Hard to describe what I feel when I visit with them. Ah, well. It was a good time. I'm glad I got to see them, too.

This past weekend seemed to be all about facing fears. Or, more specifically, the facing of one fear – driving to new or unfamiliar places. I have to tell you, it is exhausting. It is the one fear (phobia, perhaps) I have that I know I have and (when I can psyche myself up to it) that I regularly try to face down.

Saturday, I drove to David's house for the Masquerade LARP by myself. I had driven there once before but I had someone directing me. This was the first time. It didn't go too badly and for that, I am thankful. I was able to relax as soon as I got there. However, around 11pm, a couple of friends asked me for a ride home in Woodinville because their ride punked out on them. I asked them to make me their last resort and gave it a couple of hours. Sometimes I have to psyche myself up to face this particular fear and I need a little time. Especially if it involves driving somewhere unfamiliar in the dark.

I could hear them calling friends and having no luck. So, I alleviated some of my anxiety by asking Jim to come with me to Woodinville, then he and I could get some food and go home. Thank goodness he agreed. It's Ok if I get lost when I have someone else I like/trust in the car with me. We may be lost but we are lost together. It helps put me in problem-solving mode because I'm taking care of my companion by getting myself "unlost" instead going into hysterics because I'm lost and I have no focus. No, really. I get hysterical. The freak outs that Jim and Shane have seen are nothing. It's not pleasant. I don't like it when I get in that panicked state of mind. So, I do what I can to not get that way by having a Thomas Guide in the car, always having a full tank of gas when going into unknown territory and getting written directions.

The third drive this weekend was on Sunday to go get kittens from the King County Animal shelter. I've been there four times and each time I have taken a different way from I-5 North because I didn't want to go I-5 South, then to Denny Street. I realized that I was cutting myself off from a part of Seattle because of my fear. This time, I decided to take the way that Google Maps wanted me to go and face that heinous combo of I-5 South, and Denny Street. Once I did that, it turned out well and I discovered a few interesting places along the way.

I tell you though; it is hard to face this fear on a regular basis. It is exhausting mentally and physically. For someone like me who likes to believe they are relatively fearless in the grand scheme of things, it is irksome to be shown how fearful I can be. Maybe, someday, I will do enough personal brain-hacking to figure out why I have this fear and 'fix' it.

I have foster kittens now. They are all from one litter and are exceedingly cute. First are Simon and River. They are black and white kittens. Simon is curious, playful and very gentle with fingers. River is watchful and shy. She's the only one I have to dig of hiding to handle. Then there are the two gorgeous tortoiseshell girls Zoe and Kayley. I found Zoe climbing the screen in the window and Kayley, the tiniest of the bunch, keeps pouncing on Simon. Really, they named themselves once I decided on the naming theme.

The four of them are just wonderful to watch. Of course, I immediately remembered that kittens are stinky to my nose and I'm going to have to run out to get some smell pretties and to get a fan for the room so air keeps circulating. Also, I'm a little worried for the cords to Ron's equipment in the room. The kittens really like to hang out behind the TV. However, I haven't seen my roommate since before the weekend to talk to him about it.

It's good to have foster kittens back in the house but it also means that Esme is one big ball of furry grump. She hissed at me yesterday and spent much of her time sitting with her back to me. However, this morning at 3:30am, she decided she forgave me and wanted love. Then, again, at 5am and on until I go up. She is going to be interesting to deal with for the next few months.

For the record: Crushes are a pain in the ass. They really are. I mean, I like the feel of crushing on someone but dammit, they are inconvenient. I met some recently that I immediately liked. I want to get to know him as a friend because he seems like a super interesting person but this damn crush keeps getting in the way. It makes me over think everything and makes it hard for me to talk to him. Especially if other people are around – even if they don't know I'm crushing. Crushes make me feel even more awkward that I normally feel.

On that note, I will leave you with a favorite Eddie Izzard quote about crushes. "... I had to chat up girls and I'd only tagged them before and I didn't have the verbal power to be able to say, "Susan, I saw you in the classroom today. As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, 'I fancy you.'" But, no. At 13, you're just going, "'ello, Sue. I've got legs. Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf. (Smacking sound) Bye! I love you!" ..."

Tarot Card for the Day: The Magician, Inverted

Immortal Ponderings
Since I've been noodling over RE again, part two in particular, I have been thinking about how to portray characters who are hundred (sometimes thousands) of years old. I have been pondering how they would act. How much do they remember? How much would they care about? Relationships? Learning new things? Remembering old things? All of this needs to tie into the story and the motivations of those characters.

I think back on my own life and wonder if I'm just strange or if it is the way most people are. Especially when it comes to my relationships with people. I lived with Donna and her son for five years, less than five years ago. Yet, occasionally, I struggle to remember their names. I can remember the states I lived in and the order but I can't always remember the cities and I certainly don't remember addresses. However, at the same time, there are certain people I continue to remember whether I speak to them or not. They are important to me. I wonder if this is the result of being a Military Brat and learning early that relationships with people and places are transitory. I wonder if people who do not move much or at all have this same thing. Do they forget people long after they move out of their lives or do those memories stay because they were trained that relationships were long term?

When it comes to knowledge, I'd like to think that most people are the same. If a knowledge or skill is not used or accessed on a regular basis, it atrophies. For someone to be able to return to such knowledge, they need to think about it, reference it and practice it. I know what an Integral is. I know what a Derivative is. I cannot, for the life of me, tell you how to do either - right now. If I sat down, thought about it, pulled out my calculus book and practiced them, I could.

When it comes to learning new things, I tend to be either very eager or very reluctant to try them. I have not thought about this in depth, so I have not discerned a pattern to my behavior. The only thing I have figured out is the driving to new places by myself thing. Other than that it seems to be random which things I will embrace and which I will shun. Rarely will anything shift from shunned to embraced.

So, now, I am thinking about a culture where the highest levels of leadership and a very small group of explorers are extremely long lived while the majority of the population has more normal life spans. Within the storyline, the main character split is about 50-50 between the long lived and the short lived. I know the motivations between the two sets of people will be different for the most part but I'm trying to figure out where they would overlap and where there would be a conflict. The conspiracy plot is coming to a head in the story and I have the motivations of one side of the conflict (the aggressors) but I don't really have the motivation of the other side (the defenders).

I think this is because I cannot fathom (at this moment) why the defenders would want to defend the thing they are defending. That is because I cannot get into the mindset of a 1000 year old creature; especially one who has seen many things come and go. Only, in this case, this particular thing has not changed in the last thousand years. So, I am struggling between them wanting to defend it out of fear of the unknown and wanting to see it change to make their own lives more interesting. For me, the latter motivation seems much more appealing. I wonder if that is because I am short lived and want to see all I can or because the longer I live, the more I want to continue to grow and expand what I know.

Meh. I really need to think on this more.

Life is good when Ed Greenwood gives you all sorts of excellent advice on Gen Con and wants to buy you dinner when you meet up. Happiness abounds. Now that Castlemourn has been announced, I am able to talk about it publicly. I'm so pleased. I can't wait to see what the website looks like. Just like I can't wait to see what the Donato cover to the book will look like. I really don't know what sort of cover a 'post-apocalyptic fantasy setting where kingdoms fight for power through political intrigue and outright warfare; where the brave seek their fortunes in dangerous ruins, and where everyone fears the unspeakable evil that shadows their land' is going to look like. I am very tempted to get a picture of Ed and I together then turn that and the cover of book and frame it for my hallway. Hopefully, it would be the first of many cover credit photos.

The foster kittens are doing very well. I don't have pictures yet but I will, soon. They are very cute and I seem to have finally won over River. She came up and played with me today; even sat on me voluntarily. I guess it just took her some time to get used to me and the new situation. Either that or she got jealous of all the attention I was giving her siblings.

Esme, of course, is a big ball of grump but she's not really hissing at me anymore when I come out of the kitten room. However, she's not complaining at getting wet food more than once a week. These days, because I need to feed the kittens wet food every day; she gets it a lot more often.

Tarot Card for the Day: The High Priestess

Happy Fan Girl
For the record, yes, it's too darn hot and not in a good way. One of the selling points of moving to the Pacific Northwest was the mild temperatures and cloudy skies. We haven't seen that in days. Seattleites are melting all over the place. Me, too. However, now that I'm using the frozen towel trick, things are going better. Last night, bliss was a half-frozen towel draped over my body, lying in the path of a fan. That was the only way I was able to sleep.

This weekend, despite the heat, I got a good dose of fan girl squeaking out of my system. However, I'm still very bouncy over Abney Park. The whole band was just as nice as could be and super keen. Robert bought me water when I came unprepared for the heat. I (unwisely) assumed Studio Seven would have AC. No. It didn't and it must have been 100 degrees in there at its worst. I can't imagine how bad it must have been on stage.

The Mecha-fest promoters rushed Abney Park on to the stage and immediately, the tech problems began but the sound guy did his job and got it all working. They got about 1/2 way through their set before the tech problems really got bad due to the heat, with the drum-line suddenly changing tempo on them in mid-song. About 40 minutes into the set, one of the pieces of equipment gave an almost human shriek and died, shutting down the computer. At that point, in the middle of "The Wrong Side," Robert gave it up for lost, shouting "We are Abney Park! Good night!"

I tell you, the whole band dealt with the heat and equipment failure like champs. Between Robert and Miss Veen holding a fan on the ailing equipment to Miss Veen joking and explaining that they never have this problem because everything is climate controlled in the future. They still played for 40 minutes under spotlights in 100+ degree weather. I did hear afterwards that there will be a rider in all future contracts that if the stage is over 100 degrees, the band does not have to play.

The best compliment for them I heard all day came after Abney Park left the stage. One of the band members from another band also playing at Mecha-Fest commented to another person. "That's too bad. They were really good despite the problems. I think they're the best band here today."

I think I did a pretty good job of selling CDs and T-shirts. Once I sold out of their newest CD, I was able to sell some of the older ones because I was able to tell those buying what songs were on which CDs that had been played live that day. This is what you get when you obsess over a band and listen to them non-stop for days on end. Also, I didn't die of from heat exhaustion because the other merch-girl shared her fan. She was really quite nice.

For a bonus, Robert and Kristina invited me out to dinner with them and some other fans. The Persian place we went to was nummy! It was the same restaurant that Robert wrote Stigmata Martyr in. They also paid for my dinner as a thank you for being their merch-girl. It wasn't necessary but it was very much appreciated.

The extra treat was meeting Nathan's wife, Eve Forward. She's an author I admire. Meeting was funny. The band on the stage was so loud that no one could hear anyone else. She tired to ask me if I was "Gaaneden" but all I heard was "Eden." When I nodded she kept saying, "Eve!" and I didn't get it. Eden? Eve? What, was it a joke based on my name? She showed me her driver's license (with her married name) and I still didn't get it. Finally, we started conversing via pen and paper. I actually squeaked when I read "Eve For..." (She didn't have to go farther than that for me to finally get it.) I don't think she heard it over the band. I hope not. We didn't get to talk much but she was very sweet and I did recognize her from DDC. She, Nathan and I will be getting together soon for dinner. I'm looking forward to that.

I did also work this weekend. Not my MS job. My writing. I finished and set off my story for the "In Bad Dreams" anthology. It's the first non Edge of Propinquity story in months. So, I was worried. Plus, I'm still not so sure that I can write horror and suspense very well. Apparently, I can do so well enough. I've already heard back from a couple of my 1st Round Reader group. It was an over all hit with only minor change suggestions so far.

Now, I'm working on the August TEoP story where things are going to continue to get worse for our heroine. She is going to discover that even the things she has counted on cannot be trusted as these things are not as they seem to be.

Silly bet update: 16 pounds and 6 weeks to go. Tough but not impossible. I do believe that a certain Baron should be shaking in his boots and polishing up his serving technique. Though, I guess this is the time where I should admit that I finally looked up the AFROTC PFT requirements and my original numbers were a bit high. So, to be fair, here are the actual numbers.

There are minimums for each event, based on gender:

Males: 33 (instead of 60) push-ups in 2 mins, 40 (instead of 60) sit ups in 2 mins, 12:30 or less run

Females: 18 (instead of 30) push-ups in 2 mins, 35 (instead of 60) sit ups in 2 mins, 14:30 or less run

Also, they seem to have dropped off the 5 overhand pull-ups for men and 45 second overhand hang for females. Now, I will say that I always got over 60 sit ups in the two minutes and I always barely squeaked through on my push ups and hang. So, since I challenged you to the AFROTC Fitness test and not my version of it, the above is what you need to pass.

Tarot Card for the Day: High Priestess, Inverted

A Confluence of Suck
Ah, yes. Things are coming to a head when it comes to the stress in my life. I'm not sure where I picked up the word "confluence" but I kind of like it and it seems to fit with my life for this coming week. It's basically going to suck for me for a while. Beyond the whole Red Mess thing with my hormones out of whack, I'm dealing with the death of a friend from California.

Britt was a fun guy to game with. Vexing and frustrating as well but he balanced out the chaos factor of Dave. I liked Britt. He'd send me weird emails from time to time. They made me wonder if he was who he thought I was but I'd shrug and go with the flow. It hurt to hear he died. But, right now, I'm harboring a crapload of guilt.

When Dave called me and I heard the tears in his voice and knew that something was wrong and he said, "I've got some bad news, sweetie." I thought, 'Oh, God, It's Rob. Something's happened to Rob.' When he told me that Britt had died, my first, overwhelming feeling was one of relief. 'Thank God, it wasn't Rob.' Followed immediately by a wash of guilt. Followed by and immediate sense of distance and disconnection.

I didn't want Britt to die but damn, I'm so relieved that it wasn't any of my other, closer, more important to me friends. Because of this, I feel very askew... sad, angry and relieved.

All of this is merging with two other stress flows: Work and Gen Con. I've been working some very long hours at work. My paycheck will be very nice but this release schedule is brutal. While it is being stretched out, we keep having more and more stuff piled on top. R&D and new fangled technology is neat but hard to work in. I'm no longer worried about the job ending too soon. I'm more worried about it stretching too far into 2007.

With Gen Con, I'm just nervous. There are going to be a lot of people there. Some of them I'm meeting as friends. Some as co-workers. Some, many, I won't know at all. Some of them may (will?) have quite an impact on my writing career. So, I'm probably going to be twitchy between now and then (less than two weeks!). I'm really hoping the excitement for the convention drops over me soon. I could use a bit of that right about now.

Despite the confluence of suck going on right now, not all is bad. There are some good things going on. I had a great time at the Abney Park concert and hanging out with them afterwards. I'm really happy to be shooting again and I seem to found a decent shooting partner. It is very relaxing for me. Also, there are the clubs - the Mercury and the Vogue. I've been enjoying the music and company. I especially appreciate it when your roommate is willing to trade off driving.

Finally, the writing is coming along well. Very well. I've accepted the novella for Grants Pass and, with that, the submission phase for the anthology is now closed. The exception are those people who have told me they are working on their stories now (Rory, Kai, Rich and Monte) and those authors recommended by others who have a story ready. I'm on to the editing part of the anthology. I've pretty much decided on the order of the stories. I've got almost all of the author bios. Things are looking good.

In other writing, I'm submitted a story to a new horror anthology called "In Bad Dreams" - which is about modern day horror stories. My story, Twenty Questions, has gotten some good comments from my reader group and I'm pretty confident about to. The Edge of Propinquity is also doing well. I like the way things are coming together on all my projects.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Empress