July 2005

Forlorn
You know a person is a writer when they comb through the dictionary in their mind looking for just the right word to explain what they are feeling because the words "sad" and "depressed" just aren't cutting it. I think I'm settling on the word "forlorn" because "sad" is too generic and "depressed" isn't right. Forlorn: A feeling of unhappiness or sad and lonely because of isolation or desertion. It's not exactly right but it is close enough.

A lot emotional splats have hit me all at once, and while I know they won't affect me for long, they are really taking their toll right now. Most of it has to do with friends and socialization: friends moving, wittingly callous words said to me, possible drama on the horizon, some friends fighting with each other, missing various people and other such things. Even my RP characters are getting slapped around in one way or another and most of that is my own damn fault.

All of this is making me want to mimic a turtle: ducking inside my shell until I sense that all possible danger has wandered away. Not exactly possible but very enticing since I've hit that ugly moment of severe self doubt, where I think stupid things, become very defensive, grow thin-skinned and find myself eating for comfort. I probably will be limiting my socializing in the coming weeks because of all this.

I'm not really depressed. Mostly, I feel sad and a bit disconnected from everyone. I do not seem to understand why some people are acting the way they are or how to connect with them to understand their feelings. This makes me feel isolated. At the same time, I do not feel I have the patience to do the work to understand what is going on around me right now. Thus, I do not understand and thus, I feel more isolated. It is a vicious circle.

I am hoping a little downtime, extra sleep and packing books will help with this over the weekend. I am good with small, distinct tasks right now. It is all I seem to be able to concentrate on. Otherwise, it is too much. Too distracting. Lights are too bright these days and sounds are way too loud. Maybe, I'm getting too much stimulus and I just need to hunker down in a good book for the weekend.

I have started my new job now. So far, so good. Beyond the usual chaos of it being the first week, it has been interesting. I am still getting used to a product that sells for more than $100k (which is considered a small order), that comes with consultants and only needs to sell less than 100 copies to be considered a success versus a product that is going to sell millions of copies world wide and one needs to pretend the users are stupid when one tests the product. All this makes for some very interesting discussion when it comes to things like usability, security and globalization.

I have gotten my feet wet and done some testing on the Installer. In short, it is not ready. Between me and another tester, we came up with 30+ bugs in less than 30 minutes. It is nice for my boss and virtual boss to be impressed with the level of testing in such a short time. I've also been put on the committee for finding a new bug tracking system and a new test case management system. I will be doing some serious research on this next week.

Another good thing about my job is the commute. In the morning, it is usually no more than 10-15 minutes in. Going home, it is usually about 30 minutes but as I am driving right next to Lake Washington through downtown Kirkland, it is a very pretty and relaxing drive. I like to watch the water. Of course, this makes me long to rent one of the fabulous lakeside apartment which are, of course, well out of my price range. Still, it doesn't hurt to drive around and see if I can find someone renting out their condo or subleasing their apartment for a good price.

On the writing front, I have made some actual progress and this makes me happy. I have accepted two new stories for the Grants Pass anthology and I am seriously considering a third. Also, for Kendrick, I have laid out some much needed foundation work and discovered a new (to me) religious group I can use as part of one of my conspiracy groups. It looks like all is well and I now know enough of Kendrick's history to write the stories intelligently.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Wands

Cornucopia
Not much has really happened in the last ten days. A lot of little things here and there. It feels like I'm spinning my wheels a lot but when I look at it, I'm not. I'm making changes and such but, it is hard for me to see because I am so close to it.

I decided on the two ankle tattoos I want to get. One is a solid black silhouette of a cat's profile. It will cover the dagger tattoo I no longer need as I have reconciled all sides of my life. The other one is a solid black silhouette of a kitten walking. Now, I just have to find a tattoo place. A friend recommended one in the U-District that I know how to get to. So, most likely, that one is going to win for the first ankle tattoo at the very least.

I decided to finally start the online mystery game that I've wanted to do for months, called 'The Edge of Propinquity" and have gathered players. Once everyone agrees to the rules, I'll send out the actual character stuff and set up as well as start setting up the clues and interesting bits.

I have signed up for Kodo drum lessons. For the month of August, every Monday, I will have a two hour lesson on the history of and how to play these drums. I'm really excited about it. I'm facing a fear of new things and looking foolish in order to finally follow a dream of learning to play these drums. I have wanted to for years. Admittedly, I have moments where I wonder what the heck I am doing but, I've been stomping on them. I'm going to play these drum, darn it! Also, if it turns out I have any talent in this direction; I will seriously consider joining the studio.

I am dealing with some unpleasantness that seems to be going in the right direction and for that, I'm thankful.

I recently had an odd dream that involved me being on the Gaza Strip and bad things happening because the President has been cause in another scandal. It was a pretty vivid dream and seems to play on my fears of what will happen with the Supreme Court in the near future.

Construction on my condo is almost done, thank goodness. Everything being out of whack and having people coming in and out of my house pretty much sucks. My home isn't my sanctuary. I cannot even sleep in on a week day right now because the construction guys need time to get in and they want to start at 8am. Let me tell you, that sucks. Right now, my house is so cluttered and dirty, I can barely stand it. With all of the furniture moved haphazardly all over and all the curtains down, there is no way I can actually clean anyway. Basically, I'm going to have to wait until they are all done with the interior work until I can do anything to make my home the clean, tidy sanctuary it once was. I just really hate it now. On the good side of things, supposedly, this will be the final week they are inside my home. Then, I'm going to hire someone to vacuum and dust everything; to clean the curtains and do whatever it is they have to do to the walls, ceiling and furniture.

I have also scheduled my vacation over Conquest. I will be at the convention hotel from September 1st until September 6th - a day before and after the convention as I don't like to rush with the crush of people. This means that I will be open for dinner with people Thursday and Monday nights. I'm really looking forward to this convention. For the first time in a long time, I'm not running anything at all. No LARP. No table top. My main goal is to get into a table top game with my psychic twin, Bill - preferably a Call of Cthulhu game. Otherwise, I plan to spend most of the convention drinking with Team Volare and the GM Consortium crews. I cannot express just how much I am looking forward to this coming convention. As an aside, this would be the perfect time for me to read the latest Harry Potter book if someone would loan it to me, pretty please.

We have had a massive influx of new characters in the Crimson Dawn game that is radically changing the dynamics of the game and not in a bad way. In fact, it is very interesting and is making me reconsider some of my current plans to accommodate the new players and what they are bringing to the table. It is very exciting in a RP sense.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Swords, Inverted

Laundry List Update
Construction - painting is STILL not done in my condo. The place is STILL a mess. It is STILL driving me insane. I'm worried that they will not re-hang the curtain hangers they took down when they did the drywall. I'm also afraid that they won't move my heavy bed back in place and I'm going to have bribe people with beer and pizza. Heck, I suppose I'm going to have to do that anyway to get my living room back in order.

Work - still going good. I still like it. I'm still glad that I left MS. I'm still waiting for things like access to the fitness center and my parking pass and my VPN but, these things will come in time. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Love life - still non-existent and am vaguely mopey about the whole situation. Splattered a friend about it when it was brought up. Didn't realize I was feeling all mopey until I started talking. We decided to table the subject until we were both out our respective funks.

Weight - still holding steady at this damn plateau. We hates plateaus, Precious! We hates them! Hopefully, access to the workout room will help. Also, looks like I'm going to have to start walking by myself with Rory hurting himself.

Money matters - still holding my own when it comes to money matters. Still got the house, the car, cards and the cat. Still working out the new budget with the new pay scale. However, I think I have a handle on it and things will look good when I do finally sell my condo and move.

Escapism - the only thing in my life coming to me in abundance. I think it's my desire to get my bloody home DONE. Reading like mad. Current writing projects are moving. New writing projects keep presenting themselves. Gaming some. LARPs are going very well. My game is off the ground and moving. Anything that will keep me out of this reality without getting myself in trouble is on my mind.

Packing - still working of packing the books. It helps greatly that Shane had been getting me sturdy boxes from his work. This last time, he got me enough that I didn't use them all in this last session of book packing. Probably because I was shifting through a bunch of the hardback books on the bottom shelves. That stuff kills my back. Also, have enough boxes of books packed that they are starting to get in my way. I'm going to have to do some straightening up before I can move on to the next bout of book packing.

Moving - still in the wanting-dreaming phase as I put it to someone recently. My faboo real estate guy wants me to wait until next year (argh!) to put my place on the market. Looks like we have compromised to putting it on the market in October or November and if we don't get a good offer, then taking it off until next Spring or Summer. In the meantime, I have found two apartment complexes that look very nice. One seems "perfect" - within walking distance of work (1.5 miles), on the water, allows cats and is affordable. My main fear is that there will be no apartments open by the time I am ready to move. If none are available, I have found another very nice looking place about 5 miles from work with bigger floor plans for about the same amount of month.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Wands