July 2004

Whirlwind Weekend
What a whirlwind weekend. Yony came up to visit for the 4th and from the moment he got here, it was pretty much non-stop on the go. Friday night, his plane was 90 minutes late which left us both starving by the time we got back to Redmond. So, off for a midnight snack. Saturday was taken up by Shrek 2, board games at Hans' place with Robert, Jeff, Lynn, David and Diane. After that, all of us ran off to the Wasabi Café, meeting up with Phoebe for "midnight sushi." In the end, I had to bow out of the hot-tubing because I was beat. Sunday was dominated by what is now to become an annual celebration of the 4th of July BBQ at Pavel's incredible home.

I have declared that Pavel needs to adopt me because of just how wonderful his home is. They have the most incredible view that lets them see a good chunk of Lake Issaquah, a bit of Lake Washington and a huge chunk of Bellevue. The view was just stunning. It is the kind of view that I could imagine idlly watching while I sat and wrote on whatever story I was working on at the time. When it came to the fireworks, we could see six different official firework displays and countless unofficial ones on the edge of the lake, on the mountain ridge in unincorporated Washington and his nearby neighbors.

As an aside, the there so many fireworks lighting up the mountain ridge that it gave me the disturbing impression of the mountain ridge being bombed and the whole thing lighting up in explosions. It was sort of hypnotic. I had pull myself out of it because my overactive imagination was getting the best of me, especially with the firework smoke drifting all over the place.

While at Pavel's party, I ran into a woman who is part of a book club. When she found out I'm an author, she wanted to know if I would be willing to come speak to the group. I said yes, of course. After I told her about my Grants Pass project, she was really interested in reading it and mentioned that there was a good chance that her reader's group would want to read it as well. Now, isn't that interesting?

Also, when we were talking about Grants Pass, she mentioned to me that it is known, on the QT, as a safe haven to survivalists because it is protected valley with a supply of fresh water. Also, being a small town, everyone is pretty aware of who 'belongs' and who doesn't. I was surprised to find this out. Like I said, I picked it out because I drove through it from the Bay Area to Seattle and then dreamed about it. Now, it turns out it actual would be a good spot to go during and after the end of the world.

Not only that, there are, apparently, a couple of groups, like Amtguard, who use a place very near Grants Pass for weekend long LARP/boffer games. She seemed to think that it was ideal for that sort of thing. Part of me wants to scope it out for a weekend long post apocalyptic LARP.

Another woman I spoke to turned out to be from Port Townsend. Apparently, Manresa has just been sold for a paltry one million dollars to someone from Bainbridge. Also, I got told about a book store having recently burned down. They were really interested in the Vampire game we used to play, set in that world. I could not remember the URL, so I told her to look up "Manresa Castle" plus "Dancingshaman." Fortunately, that was the right couple of keywords. Oh, yes. They had never heard of some of the stories about her hometown. So, I pointed her at the novel, City of Dreams, which is all about Port Townsend and the weirdness that it is.

I sent Yony home today after many smiles and with much sadness. I had had a good time while he was here. I wished he would have stayed longer and the trip had been a lot less whirlwind. We didn't have that much time to just sit, talk and be ourselves.

It was good to see and visit with him. It's hard, sometimes, though, to see someone you love, once had and can no longer have due to non-anger break up reasons. I discovered that I'm not quite as over him as I had thought (and, truthfully, had hoped) I was. It was rather ironic of me to have a small emotional splat at him not 2 minutes after telling him I thought I was getting over him during lunch on Sunday. However, I think some things were said that really needed to be said and we're still friends - which has always been my goal after moving from the Bay Area to here.

Tarot Card for the Day: Knight of Wands, Inverted

Trapped in the Body of Woman
Occasionally, I joke about "collecting" gay men. With my track record over the past few years, if I have had a crush on a man, 90% of the time, he has been gay or bi. As soon as I discover they are gay, they turn into really good friends. The official term for me is "fag hag" but I have been assured that this is not a bad term. It is said with great affection and I must admit, I have a damn good time hanging out with my gay buddies. Maybe because we both know the other is completely 'safe' so to speak. Thus, no weird pressure to impress.

However, sometimes, it can be incredibly frustrating to meet someone, think they are completely keen and discover that not only are you not their type, you are not even their preferred gender! This has recently spawned the thought "I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body" which, of course, makes me laugh as much as it has some merit.

No, really. Hear me out. I'm attracted to gay men. I have no desire to have children. Though, I will admit, with the right man, I have wanted them very badly. Yony and I discussed it and chalked it up the war of the pheromones. But, I digress. I have a twin brother, so I have a whole lot of excess testosterone in my body. I prefer pants to skirts. I am a serious fan of wash and go hair. I'm allergic to most make ups so my dressing up and being girly is pretty much limited to LARPing or the occasional fancy night out and I have a lot more guy friends than girl friends.

OK. So, it's a silly idea but, sometimes I think my life would be easier if I were a gay man.

This past few days have been host to the worst PMS cycle I've ever had. I'm semi-used to the insomnia with took root last Wednesday night and is still with me. The usual restlessness is there but, unexpectedly, I have been in so much pain these past couple of days that I could barely move. The kind of pain that make you wonder who is playing tug-o-war with your insides. Then, brand new to my cycle symptoms has been a whole lot of nausea. It has made the weekend very strange indeed.

Speaking of this weekend, at Lori and David's official housewarming party, I got to see Will and Cynthia for the first time in a year. They have finally moved up to the Seattle area. I didn't really get a chance to talk with either in depth but now that they are here, we have time. I'm certain there will be a bit of home and kitten showing off to be done soon. Not to mention some of the gamer geek-fest that generally happens when gamer geek friends haven't seen either other in a long while. Plus, I think I have convinced them to try out the Crimson Dawn LARP. They both would so fit in well.

For the first time in my life, I have really started become honestly uneasy with the government and with our current administration. Before, I was just grouchy and grumbling. I haven't approved of some of what has been going on but I figured that come election time, I would do my duty and exercise my right to vote the person I have not approved of out of office. A couple months ago, there were a few of random niggles about possible terrorist problems coming down at election time and that might stop the election. The closer we get to the election, the more these random niggles have become full blow "possibilities" with major news networks discussion people in power wanting to delay the presidential elections due to fears of terror activities. This has made me concerned enough that I have written to both of Washington's senators.

Senator Murray,

I am writing to you from a need born of an unease that borders on fear. It is a feeling I dislike immensely. Recently, in the news, I have been reading about repeated warnings and speculations of possible terrorist attacks that could delay or cancel the upcoming presidential elections. I cannot express just how much this thought upsets me. The presidential elections must not be delayed (nor, heaven forbid, be cancelled) - terrorist threat or no. Voting is a basic fundamental right within the United States. It is one I strongly believe in. Please do everything in your power to make sure that the premise our country was based on is not compromised. This is a democracy. I do not want to watch it morph into a dictatorship based on terrorist threat and citizen complacency.

Thank you,
Jennifer Brozek

CC: Senator Cantwell

I never thought I would have to write my senators with the fear of losing my right to vote for who I believe president should be.

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Wands

The Journey of a Year
A year ago today, Hans and I got in his car and drove from the San Francisco Bay Area to Seattle. We were both leaving a lot behind and were both headed towards a future we wanted. It has not been easy and I think it is safe to say that neither of us got exactly what we expected. Partly, I suppose, because neither of us really knew what to expect or want.

This last year has seen some huge changes for me and my life. It has been incredibly stressful but, at the same time, welcoming. I almost cannot believe that a whole year has passed. At the same time, part of me is asking, "Only a year? Is that it? How could all of that have happened in only a year?"

I bought a condo. Landed gentry is what I joked. I own my own home. Occasionally, I am still awed by this fact. I still wander around my home, marveling that it is "mine" and I can do whatever I want with it. It still feels a like a palace to me. I have a room I don't use at all right now because I haven't gotten my act together and set up fostering kittens, yet. I have a room that is both my library and a full fledged close-the-door-and-have-sex-if-you-want guest room. I am still in love with my many skylights. I own a home that is big enough for more than just me with payments that I can handle on my own. All of this still makes me giddy with delight.

I own a cat. Esme, my darling, bitchy, wonderfully quirky adult-feral-rescue of a cat shares my life. She is the first pet that I have ever owned for myself. She came into my life because she needed a home in the worst way. Also, because I needed a companion in the worst way. It surprised me that my home was almost too big for me. She is my kid, my little girl and my brat. She brings me both joy and pain (sometimes literally). I have come to really appreciate the uniqueness that she brings with her and how she changes my life. ... (Crap. I just remembered I need to change her litter box.) The work of a cat mommy is never done. The princess needs her food, her water, her litter, her toys and her proper pettage. From the noises she is making right now, I'd say she thinks I'm not giving her enough of something. Playtime no doubt.

I am fully single and have been for the last six months. You know, I can't decide which is worse - breaking up with someone while you are still in love and are moving or breaking up with someone because the romantic relationship is gone. I very much appreciate the fact that Yony and I have such a good base of friendship. We are moving back to that. I suppose I should say "I am moving back to that." I am still head over heels for him but we are in place where that is not to be.

We both need to move on. He has. Not to say it was easy for him. That is not for me to say. But, the fact is, he has a girlfriend and a good relationship there. I'm trying to. Of course, lately, every time I have had a crush on a guy, I have discovered he is gay. So, while I am getting a lot of good friends out of it, I am still single and looking.

I have a new circle of friends to mix with the old circle of friends who have moved up here. It took me about six months to become both bored enough and brave enough to go looking for a new LARP group. It took me a little bit but I found a good one and two fun LARPs to boot. Not to mention my regular - not connected to any of my other friends - D&D group. I have made some surprisingly brave (for me) forays into local groups all over and I have started being really social with some people from work.

That, socializing with co-workers is a huge change for me. I used to never-ever socialize with co-workers. My work life was my work life. My non-work life was my non-work life. The two never co-mingled. Now, because so many co-workers moved up from the Bay Area and most of us clung to each other for support, many of us have become really good friends. Also, in a town where 35,000+ people all work at the same company, it is almost impossible to not socialize with at least one person from Microsoft at any given time. It's even more than that if you start counting in contractors.

Over all, despite the stress of the changes, I still think the move was the right thing to do. I have gained more than I have lost, I think. There are still people and places that I miss terribly in the Bay Area and this ache is soothed by my infrequent trips back there, but Seattle is home for me now. I honestly do not want to return to the Bay area but I do wish I could transport a few people and a couple of restaurants up here.

My final thought is that out of all of the moves I have done in my life, I have changed myself, and who I am, the least in this move. It used to be that with every move across state borders, I became a different person. I did not have to do that. I guess I have become comfortable in my skin. Now, I am comfortable in my new home.

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Wands, Inverted

You Might Think That...
Yesterday, I got to do my first showing of "House of Cards" for some of people LARP (or will LARP) with: Jim, Shane, Will, Cynthia and Aaron. What was really cool for me was the fact that the DVD is different than the VHS tape. It is set in the British four episode format rather than movie format that I was used to seeing it in. Thus, it was about four hours long instead of three and a half and I got to see a couple of scenes that I had not seen before. That was very interesting.

However, the real treat of the afternoon was watching my guests watch the show and react to it. Then, stopping between episodes to comment on what had been seen or to ask questions of English culture or politics. My goodness, I think I can safely say that my new LARPing pals have had their eyes opened a bit on where I come from when I approach a LARP.

Of course, there are all those wonderful quotes and phrases...

Him: "I might look you up some myself. What do you specialize in?"
Penny: "Verbal abuse and colonic irrigation."

Urquhart: "I put a bit of the stick about you might say."

Maddie: "I want to call you Daddy.'

Urquhart's wonderful monologue that ends with: "I want to be the Daddy of everyone." (Someday, I'm going to transcribe that whole monologue.)

Finally, the most famous quote of the movie: "You might think that, but I couldn't possibly comment."

I will be doing another showing for Rory and that crew soon. It just depends on everyone's schedules. Then, I'm betting that I will start hearing many of the quotes from the movie showing up in game. I think I've started a new tradition up here - much like Johanna's showing of "House of Cards" down in the Bay area. It was very nice to see my friends really appreciate the movie and understand why I like it so much.

It looks like I'm going to try out a werewolf LARP this coming Saturday. It ought be interesting since I really don't know or understand Garou society. Fortunately, I will be playing a character has just gone through her first change and doesn't know much of anything. A purebred shadow lord. Should be interesting. It's a weekly game but, from what I hear, it's alright if you miss them occasionally. I suppose, as a "pup" that would be acceptable because I'm off "learning how to be a werewolf."

This, I think, will make me officially a LARPing fool. That will be three LARPs I'm involved with. Two monthly and one weekly. I'm just not sure I can keep up with a weekly LARP. We will see. If it is like Amaranth was and you need to be there, I won't be able to play for long. But, if it turns out that it is the kind of game that one can come or not and not get too far behind, then that would be ideal.

Thinking of LARPing... Interesting dreams... The Cursed Statue - You know you are really getting into a game and into a character when you start dreaming in character. It's been a couple of years since I've done so but it seems that the Crimson Dawn game and the character of Ximena Harker has invaded my subconscious. In this dream, I dream, in character as Ximena, about being forcibly turned into an avatar of Kali by Setites.

I got an email from my mom early this morning.

Hi Honey -

Didn't want to call you so early since there's nothing you can do. Suzanne had the baby early this morning. She had to have a C-section as the baby was in distress. They tried to stop it, but couldn't. She weighed in at 2 pounds 9 ounces. It was about 30 weeks. Currently, both Suzanne and the baby (we think she will be Hayley Nicole, but don't know for sure) are doing ok. It will be an uphill battle for the baby. They were scheduled to move to Livermore this Saturday and somehow Scott still has to accomplish that. Your brother can't seem to get a break. Anyway, I know your prayers and good thoughts will be with them and they need all of that they can get.

I pray that someday they will look back on all of this and smile because they made it through.

Take good care of you!

Love you, Mom

I haven't always gotten along with my brother but over all, he's not a bad person and I do love him. His wife is wonderful and has mellowed him out a whole lot. I do plan to go visit them in early September when I'm in the Bay area. I just didn't expect to be meeting my niece then.

Update: Haley and Suzanne are doing fine now. Haley is apparently very "feisty" and doesn't want to be messed with. Scott will be going ahead with the move and Suzanne will be staying with her mom.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Wands