July 2003

Self Defining Traits

Monte is usually good at making my head hurt and a making me think in ways I haven't before. Or, at least, deeper than I have been. We had a long discussion on the thoughts of self and what makes a person that is not deed based. We also had a long talk about fear and how it is a part of the core self. Fear is the first and oldest human emotion as Lovecraft once put it. In the end, I did what any person would do... I tormented my friends, Hans and Lori, with tangential questions based on the conversation with Monte.

The resulting question I came up with was, "What are the top five traits that define who you are? They cannot be deed based." (IE: Can't be I am a QA Engineer or I write.) To be fair, since it is such a hard question, one that involves a lot of self examination, I thought about how I would answer the question as well. After a bit of thought, I came up with the following: Creative, Detailed, Critical, Insecure and Proud. This is my first splat of an idea. It will probably be more refined as I think about it more.

Creative. This was an easy one for me. I love to dream, to create, to invent and to bring new things into the world as well as bring new perspectives on known thoughts. I do this through my writing, my gaming, my game mastering, occasional forays into art and other like things. If I could not do these things, I would not be who I am. I live worlds inside my head and I love to bring them to life in the mind's eye - mine and others.

Detailed. This trait directly relates to my professional life as a QA engineer as well as semi-professional life as an author/reviewer. I am detailed and organized almost to an extreme. I make myself more comfortable by making checklists to make sure I don't miss anything. When I'm recounting stories or events, I automatically add as much detail as I can think of and remember. This trait helps me remember dates, names and events. I know I drive some people crazy with my attention to detail but it is a part of who I am and, consequently, what I do.

Critical. This one comes from Lori. She mentioned the inner voice, talking about what it represented and how you viewed it as it spoke to you in an internal monologue. The first word that came to mind was Critical. There is a saying that you are your own worst critic. I believe it. My inner critic is horribly harsh and demanding and not just of me. I am critical and judgmental of others. Sometimes to an extreme. Especially in a professional sense. Fortunately, I generally have a tact filter. Unfortunately, this critical nature makes me expect more out of people than I should. Just because I care or do more than others does not mean they should as well. But, inside, it is what part of me believes.

Insecure. This one is far more me than I'd like to admit but it is there and it is true. I am insecure about pretty much everything - but most of all, me and my abilities. This insecurity makes me very impressionable to outside forces. A friend mentions they don't like a particular style of hair, and immediately, I wonder if I should change my hair style. Someone elsem mentions I talk a lot and I immediately go the other direction and stop talking. In my need to want people to like and accept me, I try to please everyone and we all know how well that works. The problem is that is not other people I have to get to like and accept me. It's me. I have to learn to accept who I am and I don't know how to do that, yet. Maybe, someday. I am aware of the issue now. Eventually, I hope I understand how to fix things in my own head.

Proud. After that last trait, this fifth trait seems out of place to me. But, at the same time, it is very true. I am a proud person. At least, I think proud is the right word. It is a confidence/arrogance thing. There are certain areas I know I am talented and knowledgeable. I will stand by my words and experiences, defending them fiercely. Or, if asked, I will not hesitate to give advice or mention what worked well for me. There are things I can do that make me proud and feel as if I should share 'what worked for me' with the whole world. Whether they really want to hear it or not.

The idea of trying to define who I am at the core of things in such a limited fashion is frightening. It makes you really sit back and look at who you are and that's not easy. Of course, if it comes easy, according to Monte, you are doing it wrong. Try again. I hate to admit that he's probably right. Looking at yourself deep inside overturns a lot of things you would rather leave hidden. At least, that is how it is with me. So, what am I doing turning over these things? I don't know. Maybe I'm just a masochist. Or, maybe, talking with Monte brings out this part of me.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Swords, Inverted

Running Out of Time

(2003.07.07)

One week until I'm homeless. Well, not technically homeless. I have two places to stay and sleep. One week until they come an start packing up my apartment. I'll be moving in with my best guy, Yony, for my last week here. That promises to be chaotically exciting. Especially with him in the middle of moving to his new place. Hopefully, in a good way. Twelve days and a wake up before I leave for Seattle. I suppose I should be panicking about the route and stuff that Hans and I will be taking but, all of my panic cycles are taken up with everything else that is going on and I just don't have the time nor the energy to do it any justice.

In the next week, I need to figure out how to get everything turned off in my apartment, forward my snail mail, get all of my clothing washed, hung up or folded and trash everything that is to be trashed. Then, I have to do a final sweep through the apartment for pack, trash or move decisions. The more I think about it, the more I need to bring with me to corporate housing. Plus, I have to find out where I will be staying in corporate housing, how to get there and to get the keys to the place. Oh, and my car needs servicing somewhere in there, too - if I can manage it.

That last week here is going to be dedicated to movers and cleaning my apartment when I'm not out doing stuff with friends. I've got a lot planned. But, it doesn't seem like enough. I feel like I'm going to be missing people and things and places. I'm starting to do a lot of things for "the last time." Probably not for the last time forever, but for the last time in this phase of my life. It makes me feel breathless. I think, the fact that my calendar has less than two weeks left on it is also making me breathless.

Good thing... I got the latest Hucked Tankard Tale, The Inheritance, done and sent in to my editor. That's the first brand new Hucked Tankard Tale in a year. The rest were already written in one form or another and only needed rewriting and polishing. Writing one from scratch was actually a really good experience for me in the midst of this chaos.

(2003.07.08)

Work is so chaotic that I rarely have any free time anymore. Seriously, no goof off time at all. That's a sad state to be in. On the other hand, it makes the days go by really fast. I will be very glad when we are all in the same place at the same time and there are no more issues of "too many chiefs" to worry about.

I'm home today. Mostly, I took the day off in order to get waxed and my hair done. But, I also am being very productive. Laundry is going, my phone and electricity turn off is set, I know where to turn in all of the hardware from my cable TV and internet. I've decided to hold onto my cell phone until I get a new one in Seattle. So, for now, my cell phone number will be consistant, even if nothing else will be. I have the top of one closet left to go through, then I'm back to last minute packing, trashing, and moving stuff. I actually feel like things are coming together.

Aww. Michelle gave me my last haircut and color for free. [Good thing, too. My waxing from eyebrows to toes cost me $90] Damn, I'm going to miss her. Sixteen years with the same hairdresser and now, I have to find someone new that I like and trust. I've known her longer that any of my friends. If I ever get married, I swear I'm going to fly her out to do me and my whole wedding party.

I'm doing pretty good over all with the panicking. I'm channeling it into productive work. I'm also looking at all of the good things coming my way (instead of dwelling on what I will be missing - which mostly people.)

There are an awful lot of good things coming my way and I'm grateful for every one.

As a side note, I think I'm going to start another "from beginning to end" run of the tarot cards starting August 1st instead of drawing them randomly. That will do well for 156 Abstract Thoughts entries. (78 cards, Proper and Inverted.)

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Cups, Inverted

Happily Overwhelmed

Friday night was my last Revelations LARP (at least, for a long, long while). When I made the announcement that it was my last game, Ted interrupted me with the suggestion of a group hug. Everyone started to move but paused as I said no... then I got completely mobbed. It was actually a very scary experience at first, seeing this huge mass of people running at me with their arms open. Then, once I was completely pinned in the group hug, but not being hurt, it was really cool. I looked up and every face I saw was grinning at me. I felt really loved. I almost couldn't thank everyone after I was let go. I got all choked up and embarrassed.

Last night, I had my little Girls Night Out with Lori, Wendy, Andi, Jeanne and Marianne. It was exactly what I was looking for when I set up the event. We had dinner out where we scared the mundanes, dropped by Cynthia's birthday party to wish her well, then headed back to my place for munchies, much drinking and much talking.

The topics of conversation ranged all over the place but the future and spirituality were often returned to. It was really neat to mix and match some of my friends who had not spoken to each other before outside of game. They all seemed to really hit it off well. Plus, we did tarot readings for each other. It was so cool to be in a room with a bunch of other like-minded women. For the first time in -years- I did public readings for people. As they always end up, they were very revealing and hopefully helpful. As I told Wendy, when I start a reading, it's usually all BS. But, by the end of the reading, what's coming out of my mouth is all true. You just got to get me talking and -not- thinking. Just feeling.

As a bonus, Jeanne and Andi brought over Garibaldi and Mira, their cats who had just been flea dipped, because the house was in the middle of being flea bombed. I was really happy to have kitties in the house. Mira was really friendly. Garibaldi recognized the place and hid back in his old 'safe haven' for a bit. But, once he was comfy, he came out, picked a shelf in my bookshelf and sprawled all over my Star Wars novels.

I just got home from going ahead party at Dave & Busters that Yony hosted for me, Hans, Lori and David. I'm so overwhelmed at the good feelings from it that I hardly know where to begin. I cried a couple of times on the way home. Not bad. The "You like me! You really like me!" good kind of crying. So many people showed up. I know a lot of it wasn't just for me, but still. I was overwhelmed at all of the well wishing and the (very unexpected) gift giving.

Who was there? I'm going to have to break it up into known groups. 33 people in all.
Fremont/CAST group: Rich (unkyrich), Cil, GregM (gothboiblinkie), Jenn (jenniferward), BenL, Greg the Elder, Johanna (britgeekgrrl) and Alex (dancingshaman)

Boulder Creek group: Fenwick (fenwick), Angel (being_angyl), Heather (artistic_chaos), Matt, Althea (kamileon), Aaron (woody77), Steine (steine), Wrensch (wrensch)

Palo Alto group: David (grandmoffdavid), Lori (preciousjade), Will (covenantscave), Cynthia (darklingrose), Marianne (marianne_angel), Jeanne (musae), Albert (doublefeh), Jeff (jephly), Robert (jrpseudonym), Rosie (syiana), Meredith (hy_p_chyck), me (gaaneden), Yony (zunger), Thea (lemurling), Monte (vmurther), Bob (Almus), Andi (danaoshee), David/daedalus

I hope to goodness I didn't miss anyone. There were so many people there. I was definitely happy to see them. What really surprised me were the going away gifts. It never occurred to me that anyone would bring me a gift for leaving. I think that's why it surprised me.

We ate a late lunch/early supper, chatted, wished each other well, then went and played many video games. I will admit, about halfway through the casual, random meal of much socializing, I think I had some sort of minor panic attack. I was just so happy/stunned/overwhelmed that so many people had come to wish us well and see us off, I got really breathless. I used the excuse of needing to take my gifts to the car to grab Yony and have a quick walk away from everyone in order to catch my breathe. It was needed.

But, what an incredible weekend. I think I have finally got it into my head that people are going to miss me and that they wish me well. Not to mention the fact that everyone, including me, does think that this move is an excellect new beginning and it does herald the beginning of rippling event throughout our friends. Once we are settled, more and more of our friends have plans to visit and/or to move to Seattle as well. It's not easy being an advanced scout, but by gum, I have finally come to realize that it is probably going to be worth it.

Housewarming at my new condo and Hans' new condo coming in mid-to-late September. I can't wait!

Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Cups, Inverted

In Seattle Now

The last week has changed my life completely. I have moved from CA to WA. I have a new office, a new officemate, new processes and a whole lot of unknowns. Friday night ­ Yony and I went out to Le Pappilon. Jeanne recommended the restaurant to me for this special date. It was well worth it. We both had the tasting menu. It was very romantic.

Saturday ­ Hans and I drove up to Seattle. You know, therešs a whole lot of nothing between the bay area and Portland? The drive took us just over 14 hours and was really good until we had to find my corporate housing. Finding corporate housing really sucked. A lot. Once we found it, I was absolutely horrified at the 400 square foot one room efficiency that I was going to live in for the next four weeks.

Sunday ­ We got my rental car and saw Hans' beautiful corporate housing (that did turn out to be a one day deal, but still). I had convinced myself I could live in that one tiny room until I saw that housing. Then, I realized I really couldnšt. However, the rest of the day was well spent driving around Redmond with Hans, getting lost and unlost. It was really cool. I think, though, Hans is right. It is more comfy getting lost somewhere in a familiar car.

Monday ­ It was my second night of not sleeping. My efficiency was four floors above a courtyard where sound echoed and carried. There was a meowing cat, a barking dog, a crying baby and one of them was called Rusty because the owner of Rusty kept shouting "Shut up, Rusty! You're gonna wake the neighborhood!" I decided the dog was Rusty because I couldn't imagine anyone shouting at their baby like that and, at 7am in the morning, two cute, adorable high pitched voices started calling out "Buddy! Buddy! Here kitty, kitty, kittyŠ." Of course, they sounded like ice picks to the eardrum. I had to call Microsoft about the conditions. They were completely unacceptable.

Tuesday - It was my first full day of work. Lori and I made friends with some of the other QA team members as we got help setting up our work stations. It was a very, very long day but we were up and working by the end of it. Even better for me, I had new corporate housing waiting for me. I went from a 400 square foot efficiency to a really nice light, bright one bedroom apartment in Kirkland. It's quiet, secure and very comfy. I'm very happy to be. I could easily live here for four to six weeks until my home is ready. It's only about 2 miles away from my new place.

I'm finally starting to slow down. This is both good and bad. I need to slow down because I can't keep burning the candle at both ends. I'm settling into my job. I'm settling into my temp housing. I'm settling into the idea of not returning to CA. It seems like the only thing I have to panic over is buying my house.

[An aside. The seller's agent is a complete moron. She has had the title to the condo for three weeks. For three weeks, she sat on it, ignoring the calls from my buyer agent, my mortgage guy and the Escrow company. It took both James and Ross breaking a boot off in her ass and telling her that she was about to lose a sale to get her to fax the title to the Escrow company. Only to find out that the wrong name was on the damn title. ARGH. Now, there's all sorts of crap going on to get the title in the right name. So, obviously, we aren't going to close on time and that pisses me off. Stupid bimbo! She could have dealt with this three weeks ago. But, I digress.]

This is leaving me with a lot of time to think. Think about everyone and everything that is back in CA. I won't lie, I miss my friends a lot, but I am really missing my best guy. It is so hard for me right now. I can't think about him without tearing up. Most of the time, I'm smiling, remembering something good or hearing his voice. But, at the same time, I am dying inside. We weren't supposed to fall in love. We did. I miss him. In a way that I can't adequately express in words.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Pentacles

Following My Own Advice

Recently, in my LJ, I said:

"F*ck plans.
F*ck the 'right' thing to do.
F*ck what we said we 'should' do.
F*ck it all.
This time, I'm following my heart.
Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!"

No doubt, this has made some people wonder what the heck I am talking about. It's very simple. I am following my own bloody advice. Doctor, heal thyself. Recently, I had a talk with my friend J. We were chatting about her recent crush. I got really mad at the way she was acting and treating her crush as an object rather than a person. "You want him to be your friend, right? Well then, treat him like one." I told her. She did. It worked out.

Yesterday, this concept came home to me in a big way. I've been psyching myself up for 'weaning' me off of my best guy. Specifically, not calling or emailing him when I wanted to, when I missed him. It suddenly occurred to me that Yony was my friend, first and foremost. He was my friend before I dated him. He is my friend now. I'm not cutting myself off from any of my other friends from down south. So, why the hell was I planning to do it with the one person I cared the most about?! That is insane. He's my best friend and my biggest support. I would be stupid to do such a thing. Besides, he and I promised to be in each others' lives for always in one fashion or another. Cutting myself off from him would be breaking that promise and I don't break promises. Ever.

So, I told him my little revelation and he seemed quite pleased with the outcome. Stupidly enough, I keep forgetting that he might actually be missing me. That I'm worthy of being missed. I really got to get it in my head that I did and do make a difference in people's lives. Rich was always pouncing on me for that flaw of mine. I'm working on it. It isn't easy but even I can realize that my advice does work for me, too.

Now, we take it one day at a time. There isn't much else we can do.

Not many people know this but as a child, I had both a lisp and a stutter. I spent years in speech therapy to get over both. I conquered the stutter. I have almost conquered the lisp. Sometimes, my diction is poor and my words are mushy. But, most of the time, I work hard at making myself clearly understood. When I get tired, my words run together and my mouth doesn't want to form words correctly.

Lately, ever since I moved, I have noticed that my command of the English language had greatly degraded. Especially when speaking. I have the hardest time getting words out of my mouth. I am not stuttering but I am having one of the symptoms of stuttering. Rather than having difficulty speaking a single word, I have difficulty remembering specific words. Or, if I have to do any complex thinking/speaking I have a train wreck of thoughts in my head where only partial thoughts of conflicting sentences spill out of my mouth like broken teeth.

Example. I want to say: To get the book, we have to get the key from my purse.

What will happen: These following thoughts will clash.

The key is in my purse.
My purse is on the table.
The key will open the cabinet.
The book is on the third shelf.

What will come out of my mouth: "Purse...open... key... third shelf." I think have to stop and reset myself. Often, the phrase is. "Ok, Jenn. English now." Or "Let's try that in English."

It is a scary thing for me to lose control of my mouth like that. It makes me feel stupid. I am not stupid. I know it. However, this loss of communication can hinder me at my job (especially since one of my new tasks is interfacing 'unofficially' with all of the other groups on my Product) and with making new friends. I have to figure out why this has suddenly come on so strongly. Easy money says it is the stress of the move. Maybe even a bit of a throwback to that little girl inside who hated moving so much. We'll see how it goes over the next couple of weeks.

There is no word on the house situation yet. So, as far as I know, I'm still closing this Friday. I really hope so. I'm back in that bad limbo place of waiting to start my life "for real" until I can have my home. Then, I can do all of those things I need to do - fixing, buying, moving, etc.

Tarot Card for the Day: Temperance