July 2002

Sadistic Pride

I've gone back to more regular litter for the kittens. It has 'special odor crystals' in it. The litter pearls worked great but two of the kittens didn't seem to like it much and they seem to be much more comfy with regular litter. So, *sigh* I guess I'm back to a messy bathroom. Hopefully, Casey's suggestion for dealing with this will work.

Sinclair is back to losing weight again, it seems to me. I think I'm going to have Jean take her into the vet. In the meantime, since the adopters of Delenn don't want him, I let the other person know that Delenn is available. So, he's coming back to look at the kittens again. I think he wants to compare which of the three kittens is the most fun and will shoulder train and such.

Truthfully, I'm kinda hoping that he goes for Delenn and Sheridan because I know those two kittens are healthy and I would really hate for him to have his heart set on Sinclair, only to have something be really wrong with her. I didn't know it then, but I know it now - there is always a chance of a kitten dying from some unknown ailment due to the fact that they are a rescue. The thought of that just hurts my heart.

Later...
Well, Sheridan and Sinclair firmly claimed their soon-to-be new owner while Delenn and Morden absolutely refused to have anything to do with him. That pretty much fixed that. He is aware that I'm sending Sinclair to the vet on Friday to find out why she isn't gaining weight. My bet, from the signs I'm seeing, is that she has worms. So, I'm looking at the first week in August to hand them over to him. He's cool with that.

This week is supposed to be quiet at work since a good third of the Engineering department is out on vacation. Only, it hasn't been quiet so far. QA has managed to utterly derail that eCommerce project because of its high number of bugs and instability. My VP made a point of thanking QA for our work this weekend at the weekly meeting. That was nice. I like that sort of kudos.

I almost hate to admit it, but I get a sense of sadistic pride in the fact that QA was able to stop a product release. Not just because the product really wasn't up to the company's quality standards but because it showed that we actually have both the skill and the power to determine if a product is up to snuff. Many times, QA is ignored and I wonder why I'm employed. Today, I know why and there is a pleasure in the power of being able to say whether or not something is 'good enough' to represent us.

In the meantime, I'm back to submitting work for publication. Yesterday, I cleaned up and submitted six pieces of fiction and two poems. I have a lot more to go through - all the publishers I've collected in my email, the Ralan list and the EWRA list. My goal is to have at least one more round of submissions this week.

I've already had two responses. One thanking me for submitting and telling me they'll get back to me. One told me that he liked what he read but he was not accepting anymore submissions until September and to please try back then. If he accepts it, I may end up publishing (of all things) a series of gaming writings based on a former darling of mine. I find it amusing and ironic that I'm selling some of my gaming writing when I've always been told that it would never amount to anything.

Speaking of which, I need to edit the next Hucked Tankard Tale for Campaign magazine this month. The first tale is supposed to come out this month. I'm really excited. I think I'll be more excited when I see it in actual print. My parents have already told me to make sure I bring a copy of it to Scott's wedding so they can see it.

Oh! Thinking of the HTTs, I got to see the rough of my Edanya commission. There were two small changes but, otherwise, she looked awesome! I can't wait to see the finished product.

JULY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Changed Priorities Ahead by Julie. Julie and I have a lot of things in common - a drive to get healthy; a drive to be published and a drive to stick to all agreed upon goals. She has a separate writing journal called: A Grace of Tragedy. I enjoy her writings, her observations and wit. Definitely a journal to read and savor.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Tower, Inverted

Need for Exhaustion

I have an urge. An urge to walk long and far. An urge to sweat. An urge to exhaust myself. I want to walk until my legs don't want to move anymore. I don't know why. I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know why I want to do this. All I know is that the need/want/urge/whatever is there.

This morning, I picked out a route that I figured was about 2 miles and started walking. It felt good to walk; to feel my body and my muscles moving, working. When it was time to turn at the half way point, I didn't want to. I just wanted to keep going. So, I did. I passed Camden and went on to Paseo Padre. By the time I was rounding Eggers to Fremont, I was feeling really good and actually disappointed that I had not had to turn my tape over.

I was home in 45-50 minutes with a dissatisfied feeling. As if I didn't get to finish. The best analogy I can think of is... I felt like I had been in the middle of some great sex and just as things started happening, my partner orgasmed, kissed me on the cheek, rolled over and went to sleep... leaving me spinning my wheels. I had a lot of fun while it was going on but I didn't get to the pay off.

When Greg got to my place for lunch and a movie, he indulged me and let me find out how far I walked. The route was only 2.4 miles. No wonder I wasn't satisfied or anywhere near the exhaustion state I am craving to be at. So, I drove around and figured out a couple more routes. Now that I know, I can choose the route that I feel well enough to take. If none of them do the trick, I may just pick a direction and walk a straight line until I finish the first side of the tape, then return home listening to the second side. That should be right at around 5 miles or so.

Route #1: 2.4 miles. Home to Fremont to Peralta to Paseo Padre to Eggers to Fremont to home.
Route #2: 3.2 miles. Home to Fremont to Peralta to Paseo Padre to Mowry to Fremont to home.
Route #3: 3.7 miles. Home to Fremont to Mowry to Blacow to Eggers to Fremont to home.
Route #4: 4.4 miles. Home to Fremont to Mowry to Blacow to Central to Fremont to home.
Route #5: 6.0 miles. Home to Fremont to Paseo Padre and returning the way I came to home.

Tomorrow, I'm going to walk route #4 while I finish off Dune: House Corrino. Then, go pick up Frank Herbert's Dune to finish off that run. After Dune is done, I'm going to go for something much lighter... the Harry Potter series. In the meantime, I'm really hoping my walk tomorrow gives me what I'm looking for.

I have -got- to get me a laser pointer for the kittens. They were intrigued and stimulated by the laser bug. Well, all of them but Sinclair who alternated between pettings and yowling for food. Even Morden was all over the laser bug which led to him playing "fishing for kittens" with Greg. Fishing for kittens involves a shoe lace and a kitten who hasn't figured out how to retract their claws, yet. *grin*

I'm back to trying out odor absorbing crystals for the cat litter because I just cannot stand the smell otherwise. This time, I'm trying out the non-round kind and mixing it with the regular litter. I'm hoping the kitty cats can stand it better. I really need to either go ahead and get a covered litter box or drop the $200 on the super-duper Litter Mate. Though, I suspect I'd have to change that receptacle daily rather than weekly.

Tomorrow, I'm going to take Delenn and Morden to the Petco to be weighed. I think they are both two pounds now. Or, Delenn for sure. He can be fixed and go up for adoption ASAP. Morden might take another week or two. Greg asked me if I was going to keep one. I told him no. I had not been chosen by one. Actually, I have been, but Sinclair - the only one I would keep at this point - has been adopted already and I'm fine with that. I think I'll be sad to see them go but, at the same time, I'm going to be happy to be doing good for the kittens.

GregE and I celebrated the 4th of July by going to lunch, then to see Men in Black II, then a little shopping (for me), model building (for him) and a couple of anime.

MiB2 was amusing, fluffy eye candy with a lot of flesh shown on the villainess. You don't go for the plot... which was vaguely there and fairly predictable. You go for the interplay between Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. Some people found the interplay unfunny. Me? I thought it was rather amusing. I liked the way J had turned into a mimic of K and tried to be like K when he was bringing K back into the MiB organization. This is a movie that you really want to turn off the brain, sit back and happily be manipulated.

As for the Anime, we watched Blood: The Last Vampire and M-66 Black Magic. The Last Vampire was like reading chapters 10 to 20 of a 30 chapter book. You started in the middle. You got the jist of what was going on from the context, but you didn't get any background on the main character, who/what she was and why she was the way she was. Nor did you really get a satisfactory end. You were left feeling like there was a lot more to the story still left to be said.

M-66 Black Magic turned out to be an Anime that I've seen before and was vaguely amused by. I liked the spunky journalist but I wanted the scientist's daughter to be killed by the damn robot so we didn't have to listen to her screaming anymore.

I've borrowed Vampire Princess Miyu and Phantom Quest for later this weekend.

It looks like I'm going to make it to the special CAST LARP game on August 3rd and I've just found out the NPC I get to play. Whooooo-boy! It should be a LOT of fun. Just hearing about what this NPC is supposed to do is awesome. Unfortunately, I can't give any hints at all because too many from the game read the journal. I can say, though, this NPC is going to affect -everyone- in Newhaven in a big way. *hehehehe*

JULY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Changed Priorities Ahead by Julie. Julie and I have a lot of things in common - a drive to get healthy; a drive to be published and a drive to stick to all agreed upon goals. She has a separate writing journal called: A Grace of Tragedy. I enjoy her writings, her observations and wit. Definitely a journal to read and savor.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Pentacles, Inverted

Walking

Over the holiday weekend, I walked 11 miles. 11 miles in 4 days. That really doesn't seem like that much until you realize the break down of miles per day:

Thursday: 2.4 miles
Friday: 4.4 miles
Saturday: 0.0 miles
Sunday 4.2 miles

Recently, I've been really restless and having this odd desire to exhaust myself. I'm not sure why. I just know is. I mapped out a couple of routes and started small. Truthfully, 2.4 miles wasn't enough. 4.4 miles really wasn't enough either. I really should go for the 6 mile hike I planned out but I keep running into the problem of not having enough material on one tape to last me the 2+ hours that would take go more than the 4.5 miles. As I'm listening to audio books, just flipping the tape again won't do it. This is posing a real problem for me.

Looks like I'm going to have to get that audio book adapter that allowed me to hear the stereo recorded tapes. That way, I can have 3 hours to one tape instead of 90 minutes. Yeah... I just thought of that. Cool beans. Good justification to buy it... However, I digress.

I've discovered that I really like these longer walks. They are good for the energy level and they allow me to become much more familiar with my neighborhood. I have also discovered that I have muscles in my lower back. Sorely unused muscles that have begun to protest this sudden influx of movement. I both like and dislike this soreness.

Maybe I'll start adding them to my daily routine a couple times a week. Say, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Just the 2 to 3 miles jaunts. Instead of lounging around my apartment and listening to the tapes... walking and listening. Of course, the kittens might not like losing their favorite pillow.

The point of all this? I didn't know I could walk 4 miles without collapsing from exhaustion. I didn't know I could or would enjoy these longer walks. I didn't know it until I did it and that's important.

Bob's AD&D game was very exciting and unexpected. I haven't got the faintest on how we're going to explain what's happening to Alex's character, Arrion. There's a focused plot that is being overwhelmed by another HUGE plot that was uncovered while working on the first plot. The game was a LOT of introduction into both plots.

I'm figuring, when we sit down to tell Alex... I'll just do it in email so I get my say and Arrion won't be able to interrupt Anya while she's talking. ICly, it would probably be due to him being stunned at the news. There is a distinct chance that Arrion will be completely repulsed by the focused plot while being overwhelmed by the magnitude of the over all plot. There is also a distinct chance that Arrion will refuse to work on the focused plot. It would not be THAT big of a deal because Howard and I could probably work on it email and down time.

I won't know until I talk to Alex. I shouldn't talk to him until I do a plot synopsis so I can keep my thoughts straight. (Not to mention the fact that GM pulled me aside when I pursued the focused plot, told me that if I pursue it, my character will end up in charge of it and will need to keep notes.)

I paid bills this morning and, for the first time since I became debt free in December 1999, I found myself looking at my checkbook and the end result was under $10. Being as paranoid about money as I am, this unnerved me. "$8.94 in my checking? What? We must have been paid last Friday and I didn't mark it down." I thought. Nope. We're going to be paid this Friday.

Immediately, I started looking to see what was wrong. I know I've been spending money on the kittens and low carb treats but I haven't been spending THAT much... have I? Turns out, the culprit was two fold - a donation to Strange Horizons and me paying off my Discover card last month. It had the larger than expected KublaCon expenses on it. Ahhh.

Still, this shift in my finances does not please me at all. I knew moving would be expensive. I knew catching up on my bills due to it would hurt. I knew the higher rent and the extra bills that came with the apartment would tap my funds... but -this- suddenly has me by the short hairs and I'm taking notice.

Although I -know- I'm not living from paycheck to paycheck... it's what I feel like all of the sudden. Never mind the fact that I have a decent saving account and investments. I'm down to $8.94 in my checkbook when I wanted to send another check to my financial guy to invest and I still need to send $60 to the artist for my Edanya commission. I don't even want to think about the payments on the new car I want to buy in August or September - payments that I know are coming.

So, it's time to batten down the hatches and cut some of the expenses I've been generating. The most notable is the area of food. The lunches with Casey. Fun... tasty... expensive. It's been great going out but at $12-$20 a meal two to four times a week instead of $15/week at the lunch truck. Fast food and restaurant dinners. Time to move back to eating at the trunk, cooking at home meals. That should save me a pretty penny. We'll see where we need to go from there.

I'm taking three of the kittens to the vet tomorrow. The two females and the male of the one litter so that the doc (who had best not be the one I saw on Saturday) can compare the sizes and such. Currently, Sheridan is in the carrier and I'm waiting for her to give me a stool sample. She -hates- the carrier cage more that Sinclair. She is alternating between giving me hell and begging me to let her out.

Interestingly enough, Jean told me that -everyone- at the Furry Friends Rescue really hates the guy I was forced to see on Saturday. Apparently, they consider him a poor vet and an ass. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Jean told me to call before I go and if I have to see him again, to cancel the appointment. But, if it is with any other doctor in that office, to go ahead and see them.

I suspect, Delenn and Morden are over two pounds each now and will be sent off to be fixed this week. This is a good thing because I've made some decisions for the next batch of kittens I'm going to foster. I've decided that the barrier is going to be 3/4 heavy particle board so they can't pull it over and I'm going to put down a heavy drop cloth in the walk in closet and vanity area. (After I steam clean the carpet.) Finally, a covered litter box in the bathroom.

Oh, yes. The best thing I did recently was get a 6 gallon sterile trash can to sit outside and I'm putting all of the kittens' wastes in it, instead of an inside trash can. It's really helped the smell, thankfully.

JULY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Changed Priorities Ahead by Julie. Julie and I have a lot of things in common - a drive to get healthy; a drive to be published and a drive to stick to all agreed upon goals. She has a separate writing journal called: A Grace of Tragedy. I enjoy her writings, her observations and wit. Definitely a journal to read and savor.

Tarot Card for the Day: Eight of Pentacles, Inverted

Familial Identity & Annual Reviews

I just got a picture of my niece, Amanda, on her 2nd birthday. My first thought was. "Oh, she's two now. And blond. Huh." Then, as I showed the picture to my co-workers, I was saying, "Isn't she cute?" That became "Isn't she the cutest thing?" But, when I got back to my desk and looked at the picture again... I thought, "Well... she's cute but she's no great beauty. She looks too much like me. I don't think I can say she's the cutest thing. Though, she does have a much nicer smile than Emily. Hmmm."

The fact that I could and did think that made me wonder why I wasn't getting the family pride and blindness towards flaws in my sister's kids. Why wasn't I just ga-ga over them? It made me wonder if there was/is something wrong with me that I don't seem to have that sort of familial bond. Granted, they are 3000 miles away but, I suspect, I still wouldn't have the familial blindness or pride concerning the girls even if I lived next door.

Casey once commented to me, "I wonder what it's like to have a cultural identity." because we were listening to something on the radio that should have bonded us to the rest of the US and both of us just looked at one another, thinking about the fact that neither of us was moved by what we heard nor did we identify with what was being said. (I think it had to do with religion. I don't remember.)

In any case... I wonder what it is like to have a familial identity. The kind of familial identity that the phrase "Blood is thicker than water." was invented for. I love my family. I have a sense of duty and obligation to them. I don't dislike this duty and obligation. But, I know there are some in my family I would never have anything to do with if they weren't family.

Maybe this distant feeling is something that everyone feels but doesn't talk about because they think they're the only one. Then again, even Casey seems close to his family. So, maybe I'm just a freak. I am aware of this distinct possibility. I just wonder why I do feel so separate and distant from my family.

I had my annual review today. It wasn't as good as last year (only four 4's instead of eight) and it wasn't as good as I had wanted it to be. However, it was still a very good review. I was praised on how much of an excellent fit I was to the team and how valuable I am and I even got a raise - albeit a very small raise. (Beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.) I think the raise equates to something like an extra $50 a pay period after taxes.

I don't know why I always freak out before a review. I'm a good person. I'm a hard worker, even when I'm saying I'm slacking off, I'm still doing work. *sigh* Damn self-worth, self-esteem issues. In any case, it was good to hear how valuable I am to the QA team. That said, the review was not ALL good. I got dinged by MM for not sending in my weekly status reports and I'll admit, that is my fault and I did deserve to get dinged on that.

[2002.09.13 - Edited due to personal reasons.]

On the 9th, my right eye swelled up so bad that I thought I was going to have to go to the doctors. But, since it was 10pm at night, I decided that I would sleep on it and see what it looked like in the morning. On the 10th, the swelling had gone down 90% but both of my eyes were weeping and I still had my headache. So, I stayed home. Fortunately, throughout Wednesday, since I pretty much did nothing except listen to The Rowan by McCaffrey (resting my eyes - no TV, no reading, very little computer), my eye seemed to clear itself out and all is well again.

Tuesday evening, I took the kittens to Dr. Tisdale and, this time, actually saw Dr. T. He was 1000% better than dealing with that other doctor. He also didn't seem to think much of the other's diagnosis. So, after looking to at the chart, he discovered while the parasite test was negative, they did find one segment of some parasite. With that, he decided to have me give the kittens (all of them) a super antibiotic medicine for a week. Plus, some fattening up food with super vitamins.

Oh, this is a joy. For a week, once a day... I'm doing it before their evening meal... I have to force feed four kittens medicine with a syringe. Fortunately, I was showed a technique involving grabbing their ears (and I was assured this didn't hurt them) that forces them to tilt their head back and open their mouths. I give them the medicine, rub their throats to be sure they swallowed, wipe their mouths and pet them. Then, because I have no idea how this tastes, I immediately feed them their evening meal afterwards.

Morden, surprisingly, handles this really well. He is reluctant, but he doesn't spit or hiss. He even stays for some petting even if his ears are flat. Delenn struggles some but is pretty good. Sinclair is my little trooper. She swallows it all without a mess but occassionally foams afterwards. Sheridan, on the other hand, is my problem child. She hisses, spits and yowls. Fortunately, this requires her mouth to be open and I squirt it all into the back of her throat. She doesn't stick around. In fact, she does her kitten best to eviscerate any part of me she can get her claws on.

Note to self: Remember to put on pants if I'm in shorts. *ow*

JULY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Changed Priorities Ahead by Julie. Julie and I have a lot of things in common - a drive to get healthy; a drive to be published and a drive to stick to all agreed upon goals. She has a separate writing journal called: A Grace of Tragedy. I enjoy her writings, her observations and wit. Definitely a journal to read and savor.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords

Otherworldly Portal

I'm not sure I'm cut out for owning a pet. I'm tired of the smell. I'm tired of the scratches and giving them medicine. I'm tired of cleaning up after them - both the litter box and the messes outside the litter box. (Especially the latter.) I'm tired of constantly worrying about them. I think, though, most of all I'm tired of my apartment feeling dirty and how I feel that reflects on me.

Man, if I didn't think I could be a parent before... I'm positive now. I can't handle a kittens, being kittens. How could I ever handle a child? Kids are 1000% more messy, destructive and willful. Also, they can talk back to you. I get annoyed when one of the kittens and I have an argument.

Gaming this weeking was really good. Friday night's 7th Sea game was filled with many Inquisition bad guys to beat up and kill. Unfortunately, most of us were beaten to a pulp in the process of that. We did get introduced to someone who is sure to be a definite boss type bad guy considering the icky magics he was using. With all of the plot hooks set up, it promises to be an interesting little campaign.

Saturday was the Unknown Armies, "You did it" LARP. The GMs made a special effort to make sure the Parthenon was busy all evening. It was wonderful. Both places of business; the Parthenon and the Mike's Café, had all sorts of supernatural things happening. Apparently, the Café decided everyone should be at the Parthenon to enjoy the victory party and closed itself.

While at the party, an anvil broke through the ceiling of the bar and fell on one of the waite staff, who was fine... and the hole in the ceiling did not lead to the room above. Instead, it led to another dimension which led to Holly (my character) exclaiming, "If my brother gets back from his trip and discovers a portal to another dimension in the ceiling his bar, he's gonna think it's my fault and he's gonna kill me! I don't care how we do it but we gotta get this thing closed before he gets back!"

I am glad that the party went relatively well - anvil and otherworldly portal notwithstanding - and I got to finally interact with many characters that I had not had a chance to interact with before. Now. All I have to do is figure out why the Office of Unbusiness hired someone to have Holly talk with a non-corporeal being... and why she suddenly seems to be able to talk to selected ghosts. If that's what they are. It's something to do with a breach between the world and hell. I have to say, I (and Holly) are very confused...

On the writing front, I did get the second Hucked Tankard story out for Campaign magazine. It was 1700 words. I'm really excited and impatient to hear how the first one will do in August, at GenCon. Honestly, this second HT, the Shadow Thief, story isn't as strong as the first or third stories. That's why it's second and I can finish out the third one with the really strong, Rescue of King Byron, story. It's after the third one that I hear if Campaign magazine is going to want to make a regular habit of Tales of the Hucked Tankard.

Next on my writing list are those two articles for Black Gate. I just realized that I have less than two weeks until my brother's wedding and that I really do need to get those articles done before I drive down to LA for it. The pressure is on. I guess I do work best under an actual deadline. I wonder why that is. Ah, well. A topic for another time.

I'm having a couple of professional head shots done at Perfect Pixel tonight. Mostly because my parents are howling for pictures. Partly because I want to see how comfy I am with these guys because - maybe - next year in another 60-70 pounds, I'm going to want to get some more risque photos done. Something to celebrate breaking the 200 pound mark. I've sent them an email about what I'd like for tonight. I'm a bit nervous. We'll have to see how it goes.

Later...
These guys were so awesome. I totally recommend them to everyone. I'll talk about them more later and post some of the professional pix online somewhere so you all can see them.

Frazzled

I will admit, I have had less stressful weeks. It started with Morden figuring out how to get over his barrier Monday morning just before I had to go to work and got worse from there. Casey and I bought a taller particle board barrier and a clamp to attach it to the wall. That trip was a trip. Tuesday, Delenn managed to get me a good one when I gave him his medicine.

Yesterday, the bigger kittens, Morden and Delenn, got picked up by Jean to be fixed which unnerved the littler sisters who spend all evening whimpering and calling for me when I wasn't in sight. This morning... Sinclair left a bloody deposit on my bathroom floor. I panicked. Turns out, the silly kitten has been eating too much and has been 'straining' which caused the blood. I'm to watch her and see if I need to pick up a stool softener for her. (Great, medicine for the kitten cause of loose stool and now, her stool is too hard??)

Then, work has been one stress filled nightmare after the other. Everything that can go wrong, is. I discovered that a major piece of testing that was supposedly done between various non-Engineering departments, wasn't. In fact, it's never been tested and I can't figure out how this file in [project X] is supposed to end up imported into Marketing's database... and neither can they, it seems.

After running around like a chicken with my head chopped off for two days on this, I've said "Screw it." Then, scheduled a meeting where I'm going to force all groups involved to talk to each other and solve this issue. My job is to make sure it works. Their job is to design and implement it. The disconnects on this one part of the product are amazing. I'm really hoping this isn't nearly as complex as people are making it out to be.

Now... all is not a mess. Just mostly. Monday, I had an awesome time at Perfect Pixel, getting professional pictures taken. The couple who runs the place is pretty interesting and very comfortable to work with. Somewhere in there, we started discussing BDSM and I found out they are launching a pay site on elegance bondage and fetish fantasies.

While I was getting hair and makeup done, they talked about wandering through my website earlier from the URL in my email. I ended up directing them to my *ahem* site and by the end of the evening, after they had read some of my erotica and RL BDSM stuff, they asked me if I would be interested in writing for their new fetish site for a piece of the profit as one of their main erotic fantasy authors!

I've decided, "Why not?" I'm not going to get 'The Girl Next Door' published any other way. I'll clean up the chapters and publish 1 or 2 chapters a month, plus they want some of my erotic stories and poems. It's a neat thought to me. Of course, I told them that I can't do anything until I get back from the wedding because my life is extremely busy right now with the trip and the two articles (I still have to write) for Black Gate magazine. (This weekend, I swear. I won't have time to do it next week.)

Oh... a stressful thing on the pictures? I've chosen one picture for Mom and Dad and Mom vastly prefers another picture instead. So, I get to go back and order it along with my 'duchess' picture.

Thinking of other stressful things... my brother's wedding is looming. I've already got my hotel room that I'll be sharing with my sister in exchange for some homemade strawberry preserves and freshly canned peaches. I'm going to be there, with my family, for less than 48 hours but I'm already having anxiety attacks over it.

One reason is this part of an email my mom sent me today: "Did you ever read those Lee Strobel books I sent you (The Case for Jesus and The Case for Faith)? I ran across mine while I was doing some cleaning and it made me think about you and faith."

This is my brother's wedding. I need to be there as part of the family thing. I don't really like my brother that much but we are good in short spurts. I haven't met his wife-to-be or my soon-to-be nephew. Family events like this always promise to be high intensity, highly emotional events. The last thing I need is my born-again family harping on me about religion and Faith.

My mom insists that I don't see the 'true way' only because I want to be the black sheep of the family. That I do it just to get their attention. I can't express how much this notion offends me. I can't express how much I'm dreading the idea of (yet another) religious discussion/debate/confrontation with them. I can't express how much I wish they would just understand that I am not like them and I will never been like them. That's just the way it is.

I wish I didn't dread these family gatherings. I really do. There are several reasons why I won't move to South Carolina like my parents and sister want me to. That's only one of them.

Good thing: I ordered some stuff from Lane Bryant, including 18-20 jeans... which fit great and make me look wonderful... and a 2X black tank top dress that is too large on me. *cheer* So, it's becoming a nightgown.

Bad thing: I still don't have anything to wear for Scott's wedding. Nor do I have wedding gift. I think I'm going to do the gift certificate route.

Good thing: My period has settled into a regular 25/26 day cycle now - which I'm in currently. This means I should be sane for the wedding and dealing with family.

Bad thing: My car is a pig style and needs to be cleaned out before I go.

Good thing: The trip is going to take 6 to 7 hours. I think I'm really going to enjoy the quiet silence of the drive. I'll have an audio book tape ready, just in case. But, I think, the long drive will do me some real good.

JULY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Changed Priorities Ahead by Julie. Julie and I have a lot of things in common - a drive to get healthy; a drive to be published and a drive to stick to all agreed upon goals. She has a separate writing journal called: A Grace of Tragedy. I enjoy her writings, her observations and wit. Definitely a journal to read and savor.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Sun, Inverted

Erotica vs. SFF?

Heya WebRats,

I have a question for you all as authors of various genres. I don't know if you've been keeping up with my journal or not but within the last week, I've sold a story, a poem and have been asked to write series for two websites. The kicker is, they are all erotica based.

I do keep my erotica separate from my SFF stuff. For erotica, I write under the name "Eden Blackthorn." For SFF, reviews and all else, I write under my real name. I do this more for my family than for me.

Fetish Fancy, who is local to me and only having authors they've personally met and spoken to (for the moment), has asked me to become one of their main erotica authors for their paying site for a piece of the website's profits. I'm flattered and I'm doing it. Then, I sold the story and poem to Ms Abby, a sensual bdsm site, who would like me to write a series of stories based on the first story she's accepted. That pay is per story/poem.

The problem I'm running into now is... when I tell people about my sales and these requests for continuing erotica based stories and poems, the feedback/attitude/impression I'm getting is, "Oh, it's just erotica. That's not -real- writing. Not like fantasy and science fiction." I'm a bit taken aback by this. Personally, I think it's difficult to write good erotica that has the staying power of a series.

But, now, this is starting to worry me some. Why such an attitude about erotica vs. SFF? Is this a case of sour grapes or am I just too new to writing professionally to understand that there is something I'm missing?

Thanks,
Jennifer

Jennifer --

The bias towards erotica is long standing. Every genre likes to have someone else to look down upon. The mainstream literary crowd looks down on SFF and Mysteries. SFF and mysteries look down on romance and western fiction as being formulaic. And way too many people look down on erotica, which they call "smut", "porn", etc.

I think that these biases are absurd, but then I'm hopelessly genre-muddled in what I write.

I think part of the problem is that the good erotica is hard to find, but bad erotica pervades the net and some of the cheesier print magazines. This gives people the impression that it's easier to write and publish erotica than it is to write and publish in other genres.

I disagree. I think that it is harder to write good erotica and get it noticed than it is to write good SF and sell it. If you are managing to do this, kudos to you. Many famous authors -- including Anne Rice -- got their start writing erotica. With Anne Rice, I think that her background in erotica is what gave "Interview with a Vampire" its sensual edge. It is what made her writing stand out and jump to best seller status.

Write what you love, and damn the critics. And congratulations on all those sales! Let no one tell you they aren't real.

Hmm

Only Erotica? They have no idea what they're talking about. Really good, high quality erotica is an art form. If it's easier to sell, maybe it's because there's a better market for it. There are a lot more people interested in sex than in SF&F.

Congratulations on the sales! Keep it up and don't listen to anyone who talks it down. Pro sales are pro sales, period. And SFF can always use a good dab of erotica. I know all mine have some.

Jerry (fellow webrat)

Ditto Hilary. ;->

There is a small but overlap in the SF/F and erotica writing communities... author/editors Cecilia Tan and Mary Anne Mohanraj come to mind... there are always erotica/SF&F anthologies, especually Queer-themed ones, coming out (ouch -- bad pun!)

The "genre X isn't real writing" attitude usually comes from people who either a) haven't read genre X, or b) don't have the necessary knowledge of its conventions to appreciate genre X, nor the patience to acquire them by osmosis, or c) have such a fiery loyalty to genre Y that they feel like they have to disdain other genres to defend it.

You can always quote Kipling at them:

There are nine and sixty ways
of constructing tribal lays
and every single one of them is right.

You know, reading it over, that quote works even better somehow in the context of erotica... ;->

Ben

JULY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Changed Priorities Ahead by Julie. Julie and I have a lot of things in common - a drive to get healthy; a drive to be published and a drive to stick to all agreed upon goals. She has a separate writing journal called: A Grace of Tragedy. I enjoy her writings, her observations and wit. Definitely a journal to read and savor.

Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Pentacles, Inverted

Writerific

The last couple of weeks have been pretty writer-centric for me in a good way - despite the fact that the TTB has languished, waiting for me to find time for it. I really need to discipline myself and schedule time for it, in and around my other writing projects.

I did get my two reviews done for Black Gate magazine. I reviewed: Shadowrun: Threats 2 and Forbidden Kingdoms: Master Codex. Over all, both gaming supplements were really pretty good. This is not to say that they didn't have their flaws. Of the two, I think I preferred Forbidden Kingdoms. I'm just a sucker for the pulp genre. There were a lot of neat ideas and backgrounds to play with it in.

I have received the first Games Unplugged magazine with the first of my articles in it and to my surprise, my Castle Marrach feature, To Text or Not To Text, is mentioned on the front cover! That was a nice bonus to me. It's a very professional looking two page spread with my name in bold letters at the top. I'll be bringing some of these magazines that have my articles in them to show off to my family while I'm down in LA for the wedding.

Another nice thing... Since I believe in also supporting various venues, I donated some money to Strange Horizons even though they constantly reject my work. *grin* Must be the masochist in me. However, they had a prize drawing for all who donated and I won a prize! That was pretty keen. I chose an anthology of Canadian authors called "Northern Stars." It contains a Charles de Lint story. *bounce*

Oh, wow!! I just got word that I just sold "First Time Client" to Bloodfetish.com! Very keen. They pay $50 a story. Not bad at all. That's three acceptances in the last week! *happy dance* Of course, I've also received two rejections as well. But, they are nicely tempered by the acceptances. M'ris was right on the whole 'submit many things at once' thing. They really can't reject ALL of them at once and hope is always so important!

I have quite the "TO DO" list in the writing circle for when I get back from the wedding:

• Submit the first two chapters of "The Girl Next Door" to Fetish Fancy.
• Submit the first set "Reflections of Humanity" vignettes to Bloodfetish.
• Edit "The Rescue of King Byron" for Campaign magazine.
• Talk to Ms Abby about the "Doll" series.
• Talk to GU about what they want me to work on next.
• Do the next round of Submissions - this time, focusing on the SFF market.
• Get back to work on the TTB.

Hopefully, in a few weeks, I'm going to own and have hosted both jenniferbrozek.com and edenblackthorn.com. I've already started working on the designs for both author sites.

I'm a little worried that my PG&E bill is going to smack me like a rubber band. When I first moved in, I got normal bills: $60/70 per month. Last month, my bill was $18. This month, my bill is $9. I've called and asked about it. Last month, I was told the meter was probably read wrong. This month, I'm told that the meter might be 'winding down'... The CS guy promised to send someone out to look at the meter but did caution me that I will have to pay for all electricity used - sooner or later. I'd rather sooner. I'm just afraid I'm going to be smacked with a $200+ PG&E bill and that's going to suck.

Yesterday, James and his friend, Erika, came over to go shopping with me to pick up something not-black to wear to Scott and Suzanne's wedding. Also, to pick up either a wedding gift or a gift certificate. I did not do so well on the wedding clothes. *sigh* So, I decided to pick up a nice flowy, not-black top that I'll wear with my black skirt. Mom will have to be satisfied with that.

Of course, I utterly forgot the wedding gift. That means, sometime this week, I'm going to have to go back to the mall and pick something up. Cash is too tacky. I think it will be a gift certificate for them to go and get those things they didn't get, that they registered for, that they really wanted. I think that is the best for a marriage where one of them has been married before and already has a house and doesn't need random crap to fill empty shelves.

*cheer* I've managed to lose four pounds and reached the 60 pound mark! I'm not at goal #6, yet... but this mini-goal is definitely worth celebrating. *bounce*bounce*bounce* When I went shopping on Sunday, a couple of shirts had to be turned back as too big! So, instead of solidly wearing 22/24 and flirting with 26/28... I'm now 22/24 and flirting with 18/20. That is so wonderful to me.

I think it is all the walking I'm doing. Granted, since I started the longer walks, I haven't be able to do as many of them as I wanted to because of the heat and my much-too-busy life. I'll admit, there is a paradoxical sense of relaxation while I walk. I don't think of it in terms of time at all. Only in distance and sides of audio tapes listened to.

I can't recommend these long walks enough. Especially with audio tapes. I know music is good for rhythm but it is so repetitive. With an audio book, there is a sense of progress. Of continuing forward as you listen to the story and walk. You really do forget your fatigue when you are engrossed in a story.

Morden was adopted by one of my co-workers today. I'm feeling a little weird. Not sad. Maybe a little meloncoly. I'm going to miss him but I'm happy he has a new home all of his own.

JULY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Changed Priorities Ahead by Julie. Julie and I have a lot of things in common - a drive to get healthy; a drive to be published and a drive to stick to all agreed upon goals. She has a separate writing journal called: A Grace of Tragedy. I enjoy her writings, her observations and wit. Definitely a journal to read and savor.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Swords

The Wedding Entry

The past weekend went as well as could be expected. Friday, the drive was pretty long and I got in only to turn around and go to the wedding rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. Fortunately, I took the time to change my shirt since the rest of the people were neatly dressed. Oh, and my *vivid* red hair did have the desired distracting affect I wanted it to.

As weddings go, this one had MORE than its fair share of FUBAR moments. The rehearsal was barely a rehearsal and the place they rented for it was pretty, but the staff sucked - so much so that I'm not really going to get into it cause it'll just piss me off again. Then, my sister has to step in as the Maid of Honor because my new sis-in-law's choice had 'problems.' That problem being the husband. Apparently, when Suzanne's best friend was asked to be the maid of honor, the woman's husband said, "That's my birthday. Can't they move the wedding date?" Yet, at the same time, he wouldn't let her tell Suzanne, "No." because he didn't want to 'look like a jerk.' Too late.

Then, I met Suzanne's mother. Um... yeah. You know, I was thinking my brother was just being his intolerant self when he said things like "she's a bad Christian" and "she's got all of the depression problems Suzanne has but won't do anything about them." Nope. That woman was down right strange. Even when she was trying to be helpful, she wasn't. She was either too quiet or too busy-body. I didn't talk with her too much but I could see the tension between Suzanne and her.

The rehearsal dinner was good. I sat next to Suzanne to get to know her better. She is the sweetest person and she really tempers my brother. He is unconsciously softer and more gentle around her and he is good with her son, Devon. Suzanne is also beautiful - inside and out. The only thing wrong with her that I can see is her passive timidness. She seems like someone who has been verbally stepped on all her life. Though, she does have a good stubborn streak. So, that is good.

The wedding was just gorgeous. There was a LOT of last minute running around that everyone did. Even Shannon and I did some - like getting the stuff for the communion. Also, when we discovered that Suzanne and Scott didn't have toasting glasses, we went out and found some for them. Scott was a tense wreck. He wanted -everything- to be perfect for Suzanne. He did his best, too.

We all kept telling Suzanne that no matter what, by the end of the day, she and Scott would be married. If there were any mess ups, to just think of them as future amusing war stories to tell friends when wedding stories came up. I really liked Suzanne's father and stepmother. They were very keen. Her brother and his girlfriend where neat, too. Suzanne's sister... well.... apparently, the two of them didn't get along well. So, the family was half and half on the likeable scale.

Oh, the pastor, Glenn, was neat. He applied humor a lot to help defuse the tensions and the impending tears. I watched Suzanne's face during the wedding, and anytime it looked like she was going to loose it, Pastor Glenn's sermon/vows/etc... veered off into some amusing tangent that helped Suzanne come back into focus. He also tailored the wedding vows to Scott and Suzanne. I liked that.

The reception was good. It was a small wedding. I spoke to a couple of the guests, took pictures and the like. However, in the middle of it, me with my feline trained ears, kept hearing the sound of an unhappy kitten. I talked to the staff. A friend of theirs had rescued a stray kitten and to make a long story short... she didn't want it and I ended up taking it home with me.

The kitten, Little Bit of Faith (in honor of the wedding), is maybe five weeks old and one-fourth of a pound. I had to sneak it into the hotel and figure out how to feed it. I remembered that milk was bad for kittens, so Little Bit got wet food mixed with water. He (I think it is a he) would stuff his entire head into the can and suck on the food. What a mess. Fortunately, Foster Mom Jean was ready and waiting for me after my 8 hour trip back. Of course, I called and wailed to her about my unexpected charge.

The whole event was very religious the entire time I was there. I did run into listening to my sister preach to me and my parents skirt around the edges of preaching - which I was very patient for then didn't respond. I left the area whenever I felt they were trying to either get a rise out of me or 'indirectly' tell me something via their conversations with the pastor. The one time my sister cornered me as I tended to the kitten, I just listened and was non-commital. I've long given up trying to convince my born-again family that the God I love and worship is the same one they do.

All in all, it was a good time and I'm glad I went. It was good seeing my family and meeting my new in-laws. I can see me going to my brother's for a holiday. I really do approve of Suzanne. She is a wonderful woman and Devon is cute as a button. I would like to get to know her better. She is a good influence on my brother - something I think he's needed. Also, I think he's good for her. She's had a hard life and he's doing everything in his power to give her a good life.

JULY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Changed Priorities Ahead by Julie. Julie and I have a lot of things in common - a drive to get healthy; a drive to be published and a drive to stick to all agreed upon goals. She has a separate writing journal called: A Grace of Tragedy. I enjoy her writings, her observations and wit. Definitely a journal to read and savor.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Cups, Inverted

Difficult Decisions

This hurts a lot. I don't know what to say. There isn't anything good one can say about the death of a kitten. Monday, as I was getting ready for lunch with M'ris, I heard Sheridan squeak at me. I turned and watched her wobble towards me then flop on her side because she didn't seem to have the strength or balance to sit up. My heart sank. Something was dreadfully wrong with one of my babies. I made an appointment with the vet to get her seen that day.

3pm, I'm in the vet's office with the whole litter just in case whatever is wrong with Sheridan is viral. Doc T takes a bit of time to look at the kittens. Delenn is 2.9 pounds. Sinclair is 2 pounds and can be fixed and Sheridan is 1.2 pounds... she had lost weight, was malnourished and dehydrated. Doc tells me that he is 95% sure that Sheridan has Cerebellar Hypoplasia.

Cerebellar Hypoplasia is a defect in the brain of young kittens that results in a loss of fine-motor coordination. Affected kittens have trouble walking and maintaining their balance. It is cause by infection of the kittens with feline distemper virus short after birth, or infection while the kittens are in the mother's uterus. There is no known cure for cerebellar hypoplasia.

Doc T tells me that these 'herky-jerky' cats, while permanently disabled, still make good house pets. They are not in pain and are amusing if you like watching cats who look like they've just had a few highballs. However, it is up to Furry Friends Rescue to decide if Sheridan has any chance of being adopted and up to them if they will allow Sheridan to live. He told me to call Jean when I go home and to let her know about Sheridan. As I leave, I have the sinking feeling that I'm never going to see Sheridan again.

When I got home, I called Jean. I told her what happened and she was fairly firm that cats with cerebellar hypoplasia are not adoptable. In fact, they have a cat they saved that has it and no one will adopt a cat with a permanent disability. But, she did say she was going to talk to the doctor and see what he had to say.

I went out grocery shopping, thinking about whether or not I could/would adopt Sheridan if they allowed her to live. I decided I could and I would. But, by the time I got home, Jean had left another message. The more Doc T looked at Sheridan, the worse the prognosis. That his recommedation was to put Sheridan to sleep and she, as the head foster mom, had accepted this decision.

I am heartbroken over this. I can handle giving the kittens away to good homes. I can't handle them dying or having to be put to sleep. What's worse is the email I have to write to the guy who had decided to adopted Sheridan and Sinclair. I'm hoping he will accept adopting Delenn and Sinclair instead.

An LJ friend of mind, Greg, had some interesting things to say about foster people and long-term owners. Knowing now how the kitten mortality rate is so much higher than the adult feline mortality rate, I have to decide whether or not I am willing to accept that heartache to go along with the help I'm doing for the community. Part of me wants to stop now. To get my two kittens and leave it at that. But, if I don't foster, who will? One foster mom has about 20 kittens at home and I saw at least that many at Jean's house this afternoon. Me taking on 2-3 fluff balls at a time helps them out that much more. Can I say no to that?

Not yet. I haven't been adopted by a kitten yet - though, I'm perilously close to being claimed by Delenn and Sinclair. I need to get them adopted this week if I can. I will need a little time after that to clean the back and replace all of the light bulbs that have mysteriously blown in the last two day. I also need a little private time to grieve.

On other difficult decisions, I've started hacking away at my website. I'm taking down all of the stories and poems I think I can sell as a professional author and poet. It was very hard to kill the Elizabeth Bannister site. She was one of my long time darlings and I adore her. But, I've already sold one of her stories and I have two other places looking at her set of vingettes to buy. So, even though they are in a rough form, I must take them down.

All of the erotica has been hacked out and some of the fantasy stuff. I'm leaving a lot of my RPG writing for now. At least, the Fan Fic and stories I have no intention of ever selling. My poems are a bit dicey. I'm not doing too well on selling them, yet. So, I don't know what I should take down or leave up. Though, I am going to be able to put up three erotic poems a month on the fetish site that I'm now writing for.

Oh, thinking of that. Abby's Realm has just contracted me for another four stories in the "Doll" series. One per month for the next four months. She isn't sure when they will begin to be posted but it's pretty keen that I'm being contracted to write and sell this series.

For Fetish Fancy, I'm going to be able to put up ten pieces of work a month. The Girl Next Door will stay up as it is a full book. The other stuff will be rotated in and out. For example, since I'm being billed as a special thing starting up in September, I can do something like a "Dark Fantasies" theme one month and a "Wanting" theme the next and a "Fear" theme the following. I'm pretty excited about it.

We're also talking about selling personally autographed copies of my stories and, once the whole book is on the site, binding and selling my novel, The Girl Next Door. If people want it personally autographed, adding a bit more to the price. One of the other interesting things they discussed with me was auctioning off a custom written story to the highest bidder. The subject matter to be determined by the highest bidder within reason and the story to be private to them for 90 days.

I'm looking forward to this. It's a step in the right direction to getting my foot out there. A lot of authors started out in erotica and romance. So, I'm not ashamed to follow suit.

I had a good birthday visit with M'ris at Chili's. She liked her gift. I got her a hematite necklace since we once had a talk about how she loved the stone and liked to pet it. It was good talking with her. We talked about random things - weddings, writing, gaming, friends. I think the most fun I had was explaining just who and what my internal greedy black duck was. (It's a reference to Daffy Duck's "I'm rich! I'm wealthy! I'm socially secure!" cartoon.)

JULY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Changed Priorities Ahead by Julie. Julie and I have a lot of things in common - a drive to get healthy; a drive to be published and a drive to stick to all agreed upon goals. She has a separate writing journal called: A Grace of Tragedy. I enjoy her writings, her observations and wit. Definitely a journal to read and savor.

Tarot Card for the Day: Eight of Cups