July 01
July 02 - 08
July 09 - 15
July 16 - 22
July 23 - 29
July 30 - 31
| July 1 Fat Cat Well, this will be a bunch of gamer geek talk. All about the Casting the Runes LARP, which was played at my house tonight. Isabeau made a number of contacts, only mildly upset one Elder (Elder Gangrel occasionally do that and an apology is in the works.), gained 20 pages of the Book of Nod from an auction - five lots - I won three, one was given to me as an apology for the giver's conduct/attitude towards me, and the last, I bargained for. Also, as I bid on everything... (you never know what you can use) I gained a couple more items that I didn't expect, one of which became a gift to one of my coterie. The other, I am still looking into because it is interesting. Then, there was the private bargains with the Auctioneer... *hehehehe* I think the coolest thing was that I really lost nothing in the auction. Everything I gave up was expendable. And, I was particularly creative. I took a page from Johanna's book on that, based on the Bedlam's Rest LARP. For example - and I mention this one because I mentioned it in character - I offered to tell three stories of my personal experiences in History. That is all. 4-6 hours of my time (because we Elders love to talk) and some personal observations. Also I began setting up some of my future plans for our group to move to the New World. I worked on gaining allies outside of my coterie, which I think I did a decent job at. I may not be as politically astute as some in my coterie, but I can make a decent alliance here and there. I ended up gaining an old ghoul as well as a child, too. Over all, I made out like a freaking fat cat, especially where my quirk for the Book of Nod is concerned. Boy, it was a lot of fun.
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| July 2 Unwinding A nice slow day of writing up notes, writing on stories, kicking back and enjoying the slowness of the day. Of course, I went to visit the most noisy feline, MyCat, to feed and deliver his proper pettage. I also chatted with Dave about the 4th of July BBQ at DJ's house. It was amusing. We remarked on just how... normal... it was going to be to go over, have a BBQ, hang out with friends, shoot off fireworks and drink lots of alcohol. Gosh, I don't remember the last time I did something that mundanely normal. It will be a nice change of pace. On the less mundane side of things, Duke Ashmoore called a small court session for the Court of Aragon. *Oy* You know the Court of Aragon is in sad shape when only the Duke, his Lt. and a gangrel show up with only one other person letting the Duke know they could not make it for whatever reason. We Tremere are not officially a part of his court and I, for one, am glad I am not going to be on the wrong end of his punishments to his court. He was less than pleased and, unfortunately, we were unable to accomplish anything of real importance.
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| July 3 Hiding I spent a wonderful day hiding in my house with a few minor forays into public via the net and my one trip to see/feed the cat. I read "Over Sea, Under Stone" and started "The Dark is Rising" - both by Susan Cooper. The only thing that marred the day in any fashion was my inexplicably queasy stomach off and on throughout the day. I think I could use another month like this... sans the queasy tummy.
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| July 4 *nada* |
| July 5 On Tradition The 4th was an amusing day of fireworks, puppies and children. Well, alright. One puppy and one child but both were a handful of each. Dave and I were over at DJ's place with him, his family, his girlfriend and her daughter for a BBQ. Muffy, the dog, has loved me since she met me but, apparently, compared to Dave, I'm chopped liver. *grin* Muffy played with me a lot, then decided that Dave was the bee's knees and wouldn't leave him be. But, never fear, I was not alone. Nischelle, Christina's four year old daughter, took quite the shine to me. Perhaps it is because I would pick her up when she asked or perhaps it is because I have a comfy lap. I'm not sure. I do know I spent much of the time with Nischelle in my arms. That's OK. She was nice and warm against the unusually cool evening. James and Laurel showed up just as we were starting to set off fireworks. So, what's a worse combination than fireworks and a 14 year old brother? Fireworks, a 14 year old brother and several older guys egging him on to do some crazy stunt or other thing. I'm just glad no one lost a hand. Good thing no one had broken out the alcohol, yet. Ah, yes... alcohol and explosives... what better tradition than to celebrate our country's independence - and right to be as stupid as we please. (*oops* Was that the outside voice again? Darn.) Today, I got to experience a tradition of a difference kind. 40 days ago today, my co-worker's father died. I learned one of the customs of Russian tradition dealing with death. It used to be believed that the soul of the departed stayed with the body until the 9th day. Upon that day, the soul was sent to be judged on his/her life for the next 31 days. So, on the 9th day, the family would gather and wish the soul well in the judging. On the 40th day, the family would gather again, eat much, drink much and reminisce about the departed one, wishing the soul well - where ever it had been sent to. Finally, on the one year anniversary, the family would meet again in memory of that person. We ate Russian cake (made in NY) and spoke on our families - especially those departed. It was a slightly surreal moment for me because I really do not spend much personal time with my co-workers. They often speak in Russian and we do not have a lot in common. I, of course, joined Vera in her sharing of tradition, but it just felt strange. Mostly, I suppose, because I keep my work and personal lives separate. Still, I was honored to be a part of this tradition. It gave me a tiny peek into their lives - so different in custom than mine. It makes me wonder about any other traditions.
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| July 6 Old Favorites I was chatting with Alison on the IM and she lodged an official complaint to me against my journal! *gasp* She says the entries are too short. Well, even I have to admit I've noticed that this last month, my entries have been short. And if you go by KB, my writing has been cut in half from the usual 80+KB/month to about 43 KB last month. In my defense, it has been a very busy month and I was sick some of it. Yep. Excuses. I know. But that's all you are gonna get from me. Could be worse. I could have spent the other 37 KB discussing the pros and cons navel lint verses the pros and cons pocket lint. *grin* I've been reading a lot more lately. I've noticed whenever I'm in a "down" writing phase, I'm usually in an "up" reading phase. I guess my brain can't do both at the same time and since I love doing both, it switches on and off in a cycle to see which is going to win out. Recently, it's "old favorites" - Susan Cooper and Steve Perry. I've finished "Over Sea, Under Stone", "The Dark is Rising" and "Greenwich" - all by Susan Cooper and "97th Step" by Steve Perry. I've started "The Grey King" by Cooper and I'm still deciding which one of the Matador series by Perry I should continue with. I know I could (and probably should) start something new that I haven't read before, but there is just something special about curling up with a favorite book that is like coming home to an old friend. You know what to expect but it has been long enough that there are little nuances you have forgotten that pleasantly surprise you during your visit. Some books are my dearest friends in the world. I know some of you really understand what I mean and some don't. To each their own and blessed be the way.
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| July 7 Life Moves What a way to wake up. I listen to the radio as my alarm. This morning, when it was time to get up, I greeted by the mirthful, incredulous laughter of the morning DJs. Mildly curious, I stayed in bed to hear what the laughter was all about. "Do you know what this means?" The DJ asked. "Do you understand what this means? It means, for someone to be able to afford the median house in the Silicon Valley, a person has to be making $123,000 a year - just for the median house!" Suddenly, I understood the mirth in the DJ's voice, turned off the radio and got up. As much as I love the Bay Area, I know I'm not going to be able to stay here. Not with the cost of living as it is. Not with a 'normal' house price in the $300,000-$400,000 range. Within the next 5-6 years, I will have to move. Probably more North. 5-6 years. Suddenly, that doesn't seem like a lot of time. I know it is but still... to know I'm going to have to make a major life move so soon. At this point a lot of it depends upon my friends. I have no family or SO to consider in this. Just me and those I love. In particular, Alex and Johanna. I know they are starting to itch to move to a place where they can afford a house and to raise a child. Most likely, they will be the first to begin the Great Gamer Migration. Though, it is possible that it will be spurred on by Kevin and Colette. They already have some land up North. I have some obligations here - like playing the Silicon Valley game of Pre-IPO and IPO company jumping. (Join a company, stay long enough to get stock, find a new company.) But really, I have nothing tying me here except for my friends. I know I would not mind moving up to the Pacific Northwest - Portland or Seattle. I have some good friends there. Well, I suppose I should not worry about it over much just yet. I know the move is coming. That is enough for now. Back to thinking about the moving and why I would be willing to move to whatever city Alex and Johanna (and various other friends) moved to. Some new age guru once spoke about souls that traveled together lifetime after lifetime in various roles. Part of me thinks that this is very possible. Especially when you meet someone for the first time and everything just clicks. It is a strange, wonderful feeling. Or, when you have known someone for a while but finally have sat down and talked to them - really talked to them - to discover a hidden kindred spirit. Or, perhaps, it is the slow realization that this one person has always been there for you, through thick and thin. One day, you suddenly realize it. Then, there are those people in your life who can drop out or separate from you for years at a time but when they show up on your doorstep, it is as if they have never left. There is that closeness of a bond unbroken by distance or time. Robert and Cherny both do this with me. Our greetings and partings are casual - as if one lived down the street instead of across the country. There is a security in knowing that they will always be who they are to you. I believe in reincarnation. So, it makes sense to me that some souls would travel together, learning and loving as they can. It is very easy for me to imagine having traveled with people like Alex, Johanna, Dave, Greg, Casey, Robert and Cherny. Obviously, there is no way for me to empirically prove this. I'm not certain that I would want to prove it. The mystery and possibility is too interesting for me to think about. All that said... there are days when the urge to just up and move away from everything familiar is so strong that I have to stop myself from quitting my job and taking off for parts unknown. It gets more difficult when I job offers in places like Boston and Manhattan. Some days, I think a clean break might be the easiest way to deal with some of my pain.
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| July 8 Admissions I think I'm in a down cycle. I have been feeling a growing sense of dissatisfaction with myself and my personal life. It was bound to happen. I have finally gotten my professional and financial lives in order... leaving me no choice but to look to myself next. At first, I looked forward to the idea of concentrating on myself, gearing myself up for a tough battle. Then, I was distracted by the thought of moving. I suspect part of me did not want to really get into the whole health and fitness thing, thus allowing me to be distracted. Once that was over, I distracted myself by remodeling and switching of my rooms. I'm still not fully recovered from that. I still have boxes stacked haphazardly around the den. But now, I'm rather annoyed with myself, angry at my inability to find the willpower to commit to any sort of exercise and diet routine. Oh, I think fantastical thoughts of getting up early to exercise every morning, going on either a High Carb/Low Protein or High Protein/Low Carb diet. Of course, I haven't done any of this. I can't even figure out which diet regime to go on, much less stick to. I want to change but I guess I haven't hit rock bottom yet. Bah. I think a little of my melancholy is also affecting one of my favorite characters, Katerina. In this one section of the game, basically, an interlude between story arcs, it's only been about 3 weeks. In real-time, we've been dealing with this section for about 2 months or so. In this little interlude, Katerina has discovered her fiancée was the eldest son of the Gypsies, gotten married, had to deal with her new in-laws customs, had the group attacked by mercenaries and been attacked by Legion (Satan) in their dreams - who killed the King of the Gypsies. The last bit prompted our group to leave the Gypsies and travel North to confront Legion. Along the way, we encountered Theah (God). Now, the GM, Dave, asked us to write down on a sheet of paper, the answer to the following question (in character). "If you were touched by God and could have one thing, what would it be?" Well, apparently, Katerina has gone from a feisty, take all challenges Explorer to nothing more than a person who supports everyone else. I couldn't really think of a decent answer. When she encountered Theah, they had the lamest conversation... where it was supposed to come clear what Katerina's role in the group was. Unfortunately, the only thing I could come up with was that she was the one person who's loyalty and support would not waver. She's not the best fighter nor the best marksman nor the best tracker. She's not the only noble. She's not the witch nor the cleric. Frankly, the only things that make her unique and useful are her abilities to shape shift and her ability to call upon the resources of the Explorer's Society. Basically, she's support. Bah. That's not what I want for this character. That's going to make her dull and uninspiring which is death in a game like 7th Sea where drama is all. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have to get her back to the feisty woman that she once was.
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| July 9 Lazy Sunday What a nice weekend. I spent the whole weekend basically doing nothing but reading and watching TV. I finished "The Grey King" and "Silver on the Tree" by Susan Cooper. The one time I did start cleaning up, I dropped a wooden box on my foot, knocked over all of my DVDs and stubbed my toe - all in rapid succession. That told me that I really needed to stop cleaning. Though, as nice as it was, I have to admit, I wouldn't want weekends like this to become a habit. A slow weekend once in a while is nice but I can see it becoming dull very quickly. But, never fear. I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. Blank weekends are a rarity. I can already see the rest of my weekends for the rest of the month filled. This, of course, is a good thing to me. I like being busy, going out, seeing friends and such. I guess it's just the social butterfly in me.
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| July 10 Book Fads I don't know what the hub-bub about the Harry Potter books is all about. From what I can tell, it is a series of fantasy stories geared towards kids and pre-teens. I hear it's a very good series. I hear it's nothing more than formulaic tripe. Frankly, I don't care if it IS formulaic tripe or not... ANYTHING that gets kids exciting about reading is an excellent thing in my book. From this, kids might want to read more things - like Tolkien or CS Lewis. Again, an excellent thing in my book. My hat's off to the author of the Harry Potter books. Now, I still don't understand the hub-bub. These things work in cycles. When I was (much) younger, the rage was Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys and the Bobbsie Twins. Then, it was VC Andrews... then Sweet Valley High and the Babysitters' Club... then Goosebumps and Animorphs. Today, Harry Potter. Styles of writing and subjects of writing come and go. It always has. It just depends on the culture of the time. You would think the press would realize this and point it out. Ah, well. As long as the kids are reading. That's what counts. Speaking of writing, I really need to finish my gaming review for BlackGate. That's on my plate for tonight. BlackGate has rejected three of my fiction stories so far. Maybe they'll accept my gaming review. I'm hoping. It would be incredibly neat to be published in a magazine that is going to have a story by Charles De Lint in it. And, not to put too fine a point on it... if they accepted my review, I think this would be my first paying publication. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
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| July 11 Sore Throat *argh* It started late last night, that tightness in the throat and pain when I swallowed. I took some Vitamin C and said a pray to the PTB that this was not what I thought it was. Unfortunately, by the middle of the evening, I was having trouble breathing and my sore throat was even worse. I even had to sleep on my elevated pillow. [2002.09.13 - Edited due to personal reasons.] On a good note, once I finally did get up and moving around noon, I finished the Eisen Nation source book review and sent it into BlackGate. So, wish me luck!
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| July 12 House of Games? I think I beat the worst of the cold off with lots of Vitamin C and water. My throat is only minorly sore today and things seem to have remained just a head cold - though, I am still doing the 'please-don't-let-this-settle-in-my-lungs' thing, too. Unfortunately, I am dog tired. All morning, I've wanted to nap at my desk. I perked up a little at lunch but that did not last for long. I left work a little early to go home and nap. I've been looking at Big Brother and the DotComGuy lately. At first, I was thinking... "I want to do that!" Then, my common sense kicked in. Why on earth would I want my every waking hour watched by millions of strangers to judge me worthy to stay in a house or on an island or something like that? What about those times you need privacy for... whatever? Do I want my life to become a soap opera? No. I don't think so. The DotComGuy has it a bit better. He's made himself a viable advertiser by living via the internet only. It's his house. There is no danger of him being kicked out. But, no prize money either. Best of all, he can have visitors. Though, I think, after a while, I would go nuts with lonliness. Maybe. I do have an active online life, but I would miss my regular interactions with my friends. Some things are just better real life. Still, it's an interesting thought. I think I could live via the web for a while if I could have my friends over. Heck, we already LARP at my house for one of my games... I'm sure a couple of the table top games could be moved. *hmm* Anyone want to sponser a QA Engineer/Gaming addict to live in their house for a year and broadcast it via the web? We could call it, "House of Games"... I could telnet into work and run/participate in games 2-4 nights a week. It would be like a serial! Really! Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so. Ah, well
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| July 13 5% is Better than Nothing Mornings really suck when you don't feel good. I'm not getting any better but I'm not getting any worse. So, over all, I'd say that's a good thing. However, that does mean that I'm going to miss my game tonight and, most likely, the X-Men movie tomorrow. I want to be as well as I can be for the Aragon Game. It promises to be an exciting one. I got my performance review back today. My boss just came up to me, mentioned it was done and that he wanted to talk to me about it. I suppose that was the best way to do it. This way, I didn't fret over it as I waited for the appointed hour to arrive. The review itself was generally positive. We've got a good team here. I was strongly complimented on my communication and interpersonal skills. The only areas I have to work on are taking the initiative more and I am almost too steady in my work habits. Da boss wants to -see- more urgency in my work when we are in crunch mode. I can't help it. After 7-8 years in the industry, I've learned that panicking doesn't help anything. Over all, I got a 5% raise. Not bad but not great. Beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. I worked out the numbers and that works out to about another $60 bucks a pay period after taxes. I just found out that Casey quit working for Silicon Spice - my previous employer. He finished up the beta cycle testing and just quit. Since I've left there 9 months ago, they have had 7(!!) QA managers - both interim and permanent. Apparently, they just couldn't keep a decent manager there or... maybe they were misrepresenting the position... or something. I don't know what. No longer matters to me.*grin* However, I have put in Casey's resume in my current work place. He's looking for a junior SW developer position. He'll do QA if the price is right. We have a QA Tools position that is 40% QA and 60% development. I think he'd do well in the position. And the referral bonus won't hurt any either. If Casey does come to work here, this will be the fourth place we will have worked together at.
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| July 14 "Stone" Face It's strange. Things in my past keep popping up at the weirdest, most unexpected times. I love my parents. I didn't always like them but one thing is for certain, they always tried their best to raise me right. It is not their fault that I was a strange child and am still a strange adult. I was telling Mom about my raise and some of the feedback from my performance review - especially the part about my boss wanting to -see- more urgency in my work during crunch time. Her email back to me brought up more memories than I cared to think about. She said, "Maybe your boss just wants you to look more like you're concerned. I remember, as a child, you used to make me really angry with your "stone" face as though I wasn't getting through to you. You generally got punished longer, harder than intended or necessary because of it. I'm pretty ashamed of that, but it is the way it was. I know *now* that I usually got through to you right away, that you're actually quite sensitive to the feelings, etc. of others. You tend to internalize your feelings - maybe you should let them show a bit? That might satisfy your boss without actually changing your modus operandi." Wow. There is a memory from left field. I remember being so stone faced. Not out of malice but merely out of the knowledge there was nothing else I could do until the lecture or spanking or punishment was over. I remember my mom would yell at me about my 'fish face', asking me if I had anything to say. One time I responded. "What do you want me to say, Mom? Why should I say anything when I know that whatever I say will be wrong?" That got me slapped and sent to my room. I didn't get into trouble often but when I did... I usually did a real good job of it. She's right though. I do internalize my feelings. I don't want anyone to know that I've been hurt or I'm angry and God help me, never let them see me cry! The only time I let people see me cry these days is if I'm role-playing or it is something so hurtful to me that I can't help myself. One of the bad things about internalizing feelings is that it can be like a pressure-cooker. There are times when I've blown my top and, unfortunately, usually at the wrong people. These days, I know enough to tell my friends that I'm in a bad time and I should just be left alone for a while. Most of the time, they listen. Some of time, they don't. Johanna occasionally badgers me into doing something that will make me feel better. I think that is the only good thing about us living so far apart. I have that drive to mellow out in. Of course, thinking about the times that I have blown my top brings back shameful memories that I won't really describe here. Let's just say, there were times when I was a very angry child. It's just strange how something like a performance review can lead one into memories of childhood action and reaction. I'm feeling a little off kilter now. The more I think about it, the stranger it seems to me that for someone who feels as much as I do, to have a 'stone face' so much of the time. Maybe it is a way of protecting myself. If I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, people can't stomp on it. Yet, at the same time, I'm very emotive towards my friends. Or, at least, I like to think so. I love sharing with my friends. Maybe that's why I separate work and home so much. I don't want anyone at work to know my vulnerable spots. It's just not professional to me.
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| July 15 Nada. |
| July 16 Um... Yeah. Oy. What a game. Aragon was yesterday and it turned out to be a lot more harrowing than I expected. The GMs have pulled in a plotline that was a Tremere only thing until yesterday and it was quite a mess. Suddenly, the regent is gone or missing or unavailable, leaving Kayley who has the prestige and age in the chantry in temporary charge. The prince has declared that this situation must be solved as soon as possible, it is -everyone's- top priority and they are assist the Tremere in this manner. It was a ... heavy... sensation seeing all eyes turn to me as the focal point of the project. I will probably spend the rest of the day writing up my official report, my journal entry, my Dear Jane letter and trying to figure out how to focus the investigation. On top of it, there is a major problem with the Aragon Duke that Kayley needs to assist with but doesn't know if she has the time but she needs to have that Elder there on her side, so she'd better make time or else something awful will happen. *ugh* And, of course, as it always happens after LARPs... strange dreams: Potential - After a horrifying introduction to the spirit world, I discover that I am part of a group of Potentials who fights the growing Darkness. This leads to some confusion in living two lives and the relation that I have done this all before.
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| July 17 Um... Yeah. Part 2. Late last night, I was an emotional train wreak. I had been having problems with one of the other characters in the Aragon game. To the point that I was honestly considering requesting a new character. I love playing Kayley. I don't want to give her up. She is pretty much on top of the world with the rest of the court, plotlines not withstanding. Both Dukes like her. Well, OK. One Duke likes/respects her. One Duke respects her. The Prince doesn't want to kill her (a good thing) and she just gained status. Kayley is one of the most interesting characters I've played in a while. But, all of that was being marred by the interactions with this other character. I finally admitted to him that I just did not understand how he was playing his character anymore because it seems so contradictory to the concept he started with and it had only been two games. The conversation got a bit heated when I was accused of attempting to manipulate him into playing his character the way I thought it should be played. That was it. I had had it. I -hate- being accused of things I am not guilty of. I blew up at him and the conversation turned to our real life relationship. Wonder of wonders, we came to the realization our problem. This person had been making several (non-too-flattering) assumptions about me and that was coloring his role play from his character to mine. I, in turn, was growing more confused and frustrated because I didn't understand what he was doing and why. For a while there, I was in tears at how badly it hurt to be accused of things he was assuming I was doing. But, it seems that all is well now. We have the understanding that I am not those people in his past and we are starting with a clean slate again. Hopefully, that will also clear up the strained relationship between our characters, because in my eyes, there should be no tension between them. There is no reason for it. Good thing for the day: I think I'm over my cold! I felt pretty good getting up for the day. Bad thing for the day: Persistent cramps are giving me a constant dull ache in the lower abdomen. *groan* Donna is back from her month in Esilon. Surprisingly enough, the first words out of her mouth were, "I hated it. Every minute." This shocked me and, at first, I thought she was kidding, but she wasn't. She told me that it was a strange situation and where she thought that she was messed up emotionally, she learned - comparatively - she was the sanest one there. I feel bad for her. She had really been looking forward to this trip for such a long time. I feel even worse because I could tell she was in the mood to unload all of the mental stuff she had stored there and on her way home and I hid in my room because I just was not set to deal with something like that. Not right now. I have enough on my plate. It may be callous of me but she can dump on Scott or one of her girlfriends.
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| July 18 Mish-Mash Cramps still have me in knots. I think my intestines have a hangman's noose around my uterus by now. Wrote up part of Kayley's journal entry from the 15th and sent it in. A bit brain dead on the Dear Jane letter, so that's going to wait. Rewrote that one paragraph for my Eisen Nation book review for BlackGate. The Editor loved the comic spin I put on it. Cross your fingers folks, I think I might have sold my first review. I hoping and hoping! Had a conversation with another friend today via email about some stuff we are planning - real life. Of course, I didn't realize he thought we were speaking in game terms until he mentioned something about arriving in the New World in the late 1700's and was there anything he could do for me in England before then. *twitch* That put an odd spin on the conversation. We had a good laugh over it. Strange how real life and game life coincided. Speaking of odd coincidences. Talking to Johanna about my dream, Potential, and one of the things I didn't mention in the dream write up, she responded, "Aww, how poignant... and strangely enough, similar to something we have planned.... oops, I've said too much." Yes, apparently, I'm vaguely dreaming of plotlines from Aragon. At least, it has nothing to do with Kayley or the Tremere. Still, I'm not too sure I want to be dreaming of Aragon plotlines... Help me, mommy... the Evil GMs are at it again...
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| July 19 Researching The coolest thing about my gaming is that I get to research the neatest stuff. I spent half the day researching Druidic lore, magic, custom and belief - since my character Kayley is a Druid. I worked on writing up the consecration of her temple and the consecration of talismans of protection. No idea if it's going to work for the game but its still neat to learn about. Yeah. I know it's a short one. So sue me. Oh, Congratulations to Alex for finishing out his time in the military!! Whoo-hoo!
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| July 20 Backhanded Compliment I had one of those hellaciously weird, backhanded complimentary conversations with a friend today. A male friend. No female friend would spend so much time tasting shoe leather. I was talking about Aragon, mentioning the pictures. I made a comment about not liking the way I look in pictures and the conversation took a turn something like this. Him: Well, you know you'd be really beautiful if you lost some weight. I just looked at him not knowing if I should laugh or cry. Him: No. Really. I mean... *pause* Wow. That was a really stupid thing to say, wasn't it? I shrugged a little. Him: It's not to say you aren't pretty. You have really gorgeous eyes and a nice smile. Great hair. A nice personality. I grimaced at that. Him: Oh... um. I'm not making this any better, am I? Me: No. Not really. Him - charging doggedly ahead: Well, it's true, though. All of it, I mean. I'm not talking super model weight or anything. Just some weight so you can do more... not get so out of breath. You know. Feel better, too. It's not really healthy. I just think you'd be really pretty... Me: *look as cold as frozen clay* Him: I mean, I think you're pretty now. You know what? I think I'm just going to shut up now. Me: Thank you. You are most like a BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOG. Good-hearted and hard working, you are down-to-earth and able to be simultaneously strong and sweet. You are very tuned in to the feelings and needs of those whom you care about. Your great communication skills, coupled with your unmatched loyalty and devotion, make you a breed that is respected and trusted by all. Well. That certainly sounds like me... and Johanna... and KT. Harrison Ford. You seem to be looking for someone who will celebrate the simple and natural side of you. Who cares if he's married? We think that Harrison Ford is the man for you! Your choices reflect an appreciation for this wholesome and rugged man. We're sure that you would be the perfect match, and we can just imagine your first date. After a long day on horseback, you and this rugged outdoorsman will snuggle by the fire in a country cabin while sipping hot cocoa and staring dreamily into each other's eyes. This distinguished gentleman will seduce you with his manly charm, and maybe - if you're lucky, he will show you the real Han Solo. Oh yeah! Bring him on! Whoo-Hoo! Love Han Solo!
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| July 21 Confused Brain Man O'Mighty, my brain and body were absolutely convinced that it was Saturday today. To the point that I changed my alarm clock to 8am and rolled back over - just in time for that one little part of my brain, that does its better to keep me out of trouble, to inform me... No, it was, in fact, Friday morning and I had to get up for work. I looked back at the clock to see that I had 10 minutes before I had to get up.
That gave me a choice of: 2. Get up 10 minutes early. *sigh* As I had to get gas and money this morning and I was feeling too lazy to mess with the alarm clock, I opted for the latter, getting up and grumbling. I think Kevin is right. We need to lobby for 4 day work weeks. In other news, I posted Kayley's latest "Dear Jane" letter and I have sent out the "Clan Tremere Plan of Action & Research for the Wilson's Commons Problem." *hehehe* I've heard back from both Dukes. Kayley's Duke is massively impressed. Always a good thing. Zacharie's Duke seems impressed and had a decent suggestion to add - something I had thought of but didn't think needed specifying. Though, in retrospect, it probably does.
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| July 22 Things that make ya go... Well, I finally saw "American Beauty" last night. I liked it. But, I get the feeling that I am still missing a lot from it. I need to see it again. What I basically got from it was - Nothing and no one is what they seem. We all are hiding ourselves from each other. Even those we are supposed to love. And, sometimes, you have to give up "doing the right thing" to make yourself happy. But... I really did not like the ending. It made the rest of the movie seem futile in a way. Or, maybe that was the point I'm missing. I don't know. I finally started reading the "Left Behind" series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. My Mom and sister have been trying to get me to read it for a long, long time. They want me to read it because beyond the fact that is it supposedly a really interesting fictional series, they think it will convert me to their way of thinking concerning religion. The basic premise of the "Left Behind" series is that the Rapture has occurred and suddenly, with no warning, millions of people (including ALL children) have disappeared, leaving only their clothing behind. The story is about what happens to those people left behind, how they deal with it and the return of Satan to Earth. It is a supernatural religious thriller set in a semi-post-apocalyptic world. There are 10 books in the series. I'm about half way through the first book. So far, it is an interesting read. It is a lot heavy on the religious text but that is to be expected. It is teaching the Christian faith while telling a story. The how's and why's of what happened. I'm definitely willing to give it a shot. If nothing else, it will give me something to discuss with my family when I visit them at Thanksgiving. Besides, so far, it is interesting. But, I don't think it will convert me to Christianity. Happy Birthday Johanna! I'm off to watch a Dr. Who Marathon at The Dr. Kevin Jones' house. This is how Johanna wanted to spend her birthday, therefore... Dr. Who, it is. *grin* Maybe I'll request a Babylon 5 Marathon for my birthday. *grin* Can't tell you all what I got Johanna for her birthday because it isn't here yet. But, it is pretty snazzy. She'll like it. Also, this will be the first time I've seen Kevin's house... I can't wait!
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| July 23 Doctor Who & Sushi Wow! Johanna's birthday was a blast! Seven hours of Dr. Who. We got through the first 5 incarnations on the very, very select viewing list. It certainly made up for me getting lost on the way to Kevin's house. And what a house! I only got to see one of the three levels but... wow! The view! And I've had bedrooms smaller than that bathroom! Well... Ok, not smaller, but almost. The kitty cat, Mist, was so adorable. It is hard to imagine that cat being the demon that Kevin says she is. Of course, this means she was just luring us all in under a false sense of security. We went out for sushi at Kevin's treat (That guy is just too cool. I want to be him when I grow up.). Oh, man... talk about eating WAY TOO MUCH! Ugh. Then, back to the house for more Dr. Who and food comas. An hour later, Colette, Kevin's very intelligent and beautiful SO, brought out a Marzipan cake and a white chocolate and raspberry cake. *mmrph* Stuffed once more. I left at 1am, deciding to follow DJ's route home on Mission instead of the freeway. It was an interesting drive for me. Maybe it was the food or sugar or Dr. Who overload... but my mind started vaguely working on this month's poem. It might be called "Midnight Drive" or maybe "13 O'Clock Drive." It will be about the magic that can been seen driving through a seemingly abandoned town at midnight or 1am or 'in the 25th hour'... something. My mind is still flirting with the vague ideas that captured me last night. Tonight, I already know I'm going to be up way too late at James' house for his Changeling game, "Ties That Bind." It's a good game. I enjoy it a lot. I play an Eshu - wandering storyteller. It's a game we only play once every 2-4 weeks. First straight changeling campaign I've ever been in. Maybe, on the drive home, my newest idea for a poem with solidify more. I'll be driving home at about midnight. That would be cool.
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| July 24 Introducing Ansel Man, what a day. I was busy for most of it, working on the branding problem/solution for the bugbowl we had this afternoon. I just so -love- people who say "This is all the branding we want" and then come back to me an hour before the event to say, "I want you to add this obscure, not yet tested, option that we might or might not make available to the public..." Um. Yeah. Right. F*cker. And they wonder why QA wants to strangle Marketing and Management. Then there was the depression pouty conversation with James over my character in his Changling campaign. Yerlonda is a wonderful character. We all love her but she is like white sheep surrounded by coal. She's a dream and the rest of her group are nightmares. He and I are still working on how to keep her in the game but unfortunately, it looks like I'm probably going to have to create a new character. I'm pouting massively over it. I'm hoping James will figure out something for me. Maybe Ramius will remember something or ... I don't know. I'm hoping for something. *pout* One of my co-workers trains seeing eye dogs. He has been doing this for years. Today, he brought in his newest recruit, Ansel. Ansel is an eight week old black lab puppy who is as cute as can be! He was sooooo adorable. So full of vim, vigor and vitality. He was curious about everything and really liked my skirt - perfect for playing under and tugging.
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| July 25 Nada. |
| July 26 Work, Work, Work Wow. Work has just been a hot bed of activity. What's even better is that I like what I'm doing. I'm ripping apart all of my test plans and making them modular by specific functionality rather than by product. And, I'm coding up a little website for all of these test plans and their results. I've whipped up something quick and dirty but I have some high and mighty plans for the Results section of the page. I just have to figure out form boxes and such. In the meantime, we'll stick with word documents. Eventually, I'll wanted to merge the Test Plans and Results into one online site... but that's for the future. It seems that my boss has decided that I'm going to be working with Operations on the Beta/Pilot/Early Access program for the company. It seems neat, if a bit strangely managed. One of my co-workers likened it to 'picking up the pieces after management is done with it.' Cynical but partly true. In any case, I'm not quite sure what my role is going to be - possibly the Engineering Contact (ooooOOoooo) or... who knows. I have a couple of little tasks to get done that my boss is to busy to do. I view this all as a good thing because while I'm still testing, my role in the department is expanding into more and interesting areas. Possibly even into the Lead position cause our third Candidate just flaked on us. I had one of those "stop drooling" moments at lunch today. I'm not sure who the guy was. I think he was just a Marketing candidate here on interview. In any case, this guy was stunningly good looking to me. Dark brown hair, trimmed goatee, tall, broad shouldered, nice smile, dark eyes and very attractive. In an aesthetic sense, I just wanted to examine him, look at him from all sides. Admire him. I found myself staring at him to the exclusion of all else. Fortunately, he was trying to impress one of the marketing guys and they left the lunchroom before I was even out of the line. *whew* What a handsome man. That's one thing about the Sales & Marketing guys - they all have charisma and good looks. I'm sure it goes a long way in their profession as they are selling themselves as much as the product.
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| July 27 Other People's Lives I've come to a strange conclusion recently. I think I need someone to take care of, because in taking care of someone else, I'll end up taking better care of myself. It is amazing. I'm a whiz when it comes to fixing other people's lives. Got an organization problem? No sweat! I'd have you a system whipped out in no time. Have a health problem? No worries. I'd be able to point you at all sorts of sources for help. Have a love life problem? Calm down. I'd be able to tell you what I think you should do. Financial woes? No problem! Show me your bills and I'll set you a budget that will start you on the road to being debt-free! 95% of my advice is excellent. It is rare that I make a mistake. Unless, of course, we are talking about my own life. When it comes to my own life, I'm an utter klutz and a blind fool. (Except professionally - where I get to tell other people what to do.) Health? Hah! Too busy. Love life? Um... Next! Cleaning? Too lazy. Exercise? Too busy/lazy/whiney. I think being single or having no one else to care for is bad for me. When it is just me, I don't really care that much. I mean, it's just me, after all. I'm nothing special. But, throw another person into the mix and I'm leaping throw hoops of fire to make sure they are happy, well fed and cared for. I can't help myself. That's the way I am. Maybe it's just a nesting/mother instinct in me. I don't have children. I don't really plan to have children. But, I do want someone and a house of my own to take care of. I want someone to appreciate that I can cook - cook well and, even cook tasty nutritious stuff. I want someone to see when I've actually cleaned up my room or the bathroom. I want someone to walk with when we decide that we've been inside way too much, staring at computer screens. *pause* Wish I could get a dog... like Ansel. Maybe I just don't want to be alone anymore.
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| July 28 Living By the Clock I'm finding myself becoming more and more annoyed that I am forced to live by a clock. This morning, I got up on time, took my shower and settled at the computer to read journals like I always do. Somedays, all of this goes really fast and I'm out the door early. Somedays, all of this takes longer than usual and either I leave a little late or I have to finish reading journals at work. This morning, it was longer than usual but I found my reactions to be amusing in retrospect. The first time I glanced at the clock, I could tell that it was going to be a late day. The second time, 20 minutes had passed and I needed to get my butt in gear or be late. I hadn't even finished reading half of my normal daily dose. So, I ignored the clock as if that would stop it from running. Two minutes later, I looked up, annoyed to see the clock was still running and that I was still going to be late. I felt an extreme annoyance at the nagging clock, wanting it to stop or go away. My annoyance continued on the way to work. My internal monologue made me sound like a grumpy old lady. It went something like this: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you want to pass me, bitch. Go ahead. You're still going to be late. Whoa! Nice blinker, asshole! You bought the expensive model, didn't you. Rush, rush, rush. Everyone is in such a damned hurry. Why is everyone in such a hurry? It's just work and in this commute traffic, you are more likely to have heart attack instead of getting ahead. Oh, look. We've stopped again. I love commuting. I'm going to be late for sure. Stupid clock, mocking me. Gloating that I have to obey your numbers..." And on and on. Most mornings, I just zone out and think of interesting stories - either random bits for me or random bits for my characters. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get away from myself or my surroundings this morning. But don't worry. I'm feeling better.
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| July 29 All About Gaming Yesterday's AD&D game at DJ's was amusing, if a bit chaotic, like most new games are - especially with a new GM. For all the crap we gave him, he did pretty darned good. I've also discovered my character, Genna, is a lot more smooth, arrogant that I thought she would be. But, that's OK. I love figuring out the personalities of new characters. Speaking of new characters, I realize that I have to create or finish creating four new characters by this next week.
I updated my Active Character Summary page and created a Retired Character Summary page. The Active Character Summary page doesn't have the four new characters I mentioned before. I'm still working on finding pictures, writing up backgrounds and figuring out which ones I'm going to do serious writing for. Now, I'm off to my regular monthly Sekt Valir game at Rich's house. I suspect it is going to be a nasty one with the Lord of the City having gone nuts, we've been out of town on a quest - leaving our families unprotected. We HOPE they made it to safety when we sent warning. Eris will find out today.
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| July 30 Grumpy Day What a seriously crappy day. I'm in a massive down mood cause of a lot of things. Big things and little things. My plans for today have been cancelled three times now. I'm really the depressed by the possibility of a good friend moving out of state at the end of August. I'm impatient for game stuff but don't want to be accused of being a 'pushy player'... but at the same time I have people asking me questions that I can't answer until I get that game stuff. I want to go out but everyone is busy now. I don't want to read or write or tinker with HTML. This day sucks!
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| July 31 Good Stuff Good thing: Well, my bad mood from yesterday didn't last too long. I started reading "Machiavellian Interface" by Steve Perry, knowing it would draw me in. Also, I watched "Girl Interrupted." I didn't think I'd like it very much but I found it a lot more intriguing than I expected. Some days, I wonder just what it would be like to be in a psycho ward. It reminds me of a line from the movie "Into the Mouth of Madness" - I hated the movie, but it did give me an interesting line to think about. (paraphrased) "What an awful thing it would be, to be the only sane person in a world filled with insane people." Around 6pm, Greg called me up and invited me to go out to dinner with he and David. I accepted, feeling better and still wanting to get out of the house. Though, I think part of my problem was that I felt like talking to someone. I kept noticing myself dominating the conversation and blathering on about this and that. I had to consciously stop myself and give Greg openings to talk. So, the day ended much better than it started. Good thing: Casey has a new job. Casey and Mary are sitting pretty. They work at the same place now, so commuting is a breeze. Mary tells me that Casey is being paid very well for his talents and is interested in the job. And, on top of it all, they are moving from their apartment into a house that is in such a nice neighborhood that a neighbor actually came out to greet them as they started moving things in. Just to welcome them to the neighborhood. How's that for being a good neighbor? Stuff like this always makes me smile. I like when my friends are doing well and are happy with the way things are turning out. It always gives me hope that things will work out for me, too. In the business world, our major competitor managed to go public before us. Their stock came out at 14 and was 34 by the end of the first day. We aren't particularly upset that they are first. It's a good indication when we IPO, our stock is going to go out just as strong. So, we are pretty happy about that. Still, I can't wait until we finally go public.
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Continue on to: AUGUST 2000
(Created by JLB)