January 01 - 02
January 03 - 09
January 10 - 16
January 17 - 23
January 24 - 30
January 31
| January 1 Friday. First day of the New Year. New format. What do you think? I kind of like it. It is going to take a little getting used to, I know. At the end of the month, I'll put everything into an archive page in the style of the orginial journal. New Year's resolutions.
I'm sure there are more but I just can't thing of them right now. What a party! *smile* Lot of people got drunk but no one got *too* drunk. A lot of laughter and good cheer. I did get a surprise, though. Johanna and I talked off in a corner and she was telling me about her Solstice ritual (which is basically to throw rocks into the ocean - each rock representing something different). She told me that she had thrown in a rock to rid herself of her jealousy of me. I was stunned and asked her what she had to be jealous of. She told me that she's always been jealous of the way I set my mind on something and accomplish my goals, listing off some of the things from the past year. It was rather eye opening to me. I've always been jealous of her - this beautiful, peite, sexy, busty englishwoman who always seemed confident and always got her man. It was a bit of a bonding moment for both of us. We really are like sisters. We love each other, we are friends and we fight like cats. After that, when went out and toasted the moon.
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| January 2 Saturday. Had Johanna over last night. We chatted all night. Suddenly, it was past midnight. It had been ages since we had done that. I think we were both a little nervous from the last major fight we had had. It was loads of fun. This morning, got up and found a HUGE spider in the bathtub. I am such a wuss when it comes to spiders. I hate them. A Lot. Any man of mine is going to have to be able to kill spiders for me, on demand. *shudder* In any case, I saw that spider, said, "Screw this." and went back to bed. Unfortunately, it was still there when I got up, an hour later. Fortunately, Johanna was up and she's the bug killer in her house. Though, the size of the spider in the tub gave her pause. North Kingdom Campaign downtime session tonight with just me and Alex and the GM, Bob. We have to wrap up a lot of little things before we can go save Donnan's Father from the clutches of the evil Iuz. It's promising to be an entertaining evening.
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| January 3 Sunday. Wow! Last night for the North Kingdom Campaign was the 'Night of Miracles.' We tied up all the loose ends but then, we started the planning to save Donnan's Father. And then think we knew... we were ready. We ended up going with just Donnan, Elea and the NPCs. Talk about a surgical strike! We saved him in less than 2 hours when the GM, Bob, was planning on the rescue taking 2-3 full sessions. Then we unravelled a bunch of the plotline. It was very interesting. I'll be writing it all up as soon as possible. I wonder what Bob is going to have for us for the main game on the 30th. *hehehe* Driving Alex home, the fog rolled in thick. 2-4 carlength visibility. By the time I got him to his house, I was feeling mighty tired and not sure I could drive home in the fog. No fog, I would have been fine. Unfortunately, there was LOTS of fog. So, I decided caution was the better part of valor and spent the night at Alex and Johanna's place. It wasn't too bad but now I smell like their cat and dog. Actually got to go to work tomorrow. I have to admit, I'd much rather have a couple more weeks off. Ah well. I'll bet the world is thinking that.
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| January 4 Back at work. *sigh* Typical Monday morning. Got up a little late. Scraped my knuckle accidently. I have a 5 hour class today. Yeah. 10 days of vacation to come back to a 5 hour class on a new Source control program. I'm jumping for joy. Actually, I'm in a great mood. I can't figure it out. Oh. I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Got an email from Jay - the "Good" VP from my last job. He's quit there for a new job at Synopsis. I think it's pretty cool and I think he'll be a lot happier there. I hope he is. Now, I'm wondering how Fred is doing. I hope he's OK. He's the guy with the most senority there now. Oh yeah, I know someone was in my cube over the vacation. The garagoyle on my computer was moved and someone wrote "I WANT YOU" in my magnetic poetry on my cabinet. It is in the center of the cabinet with nothing else around. I was meant to see it. I'm guessing that Casey was feeling pluckish over the break and did it. I hope so. I'm wondering if I should be intrigued by this. Then again, one of the cleaning crew could have a mischievous streak in them. I don't know. ***** OK. The class has been cancelled. The rest of the team nixed the guy that I wanted as my white box tester as not technical enough (I trust them), Rational STILL has not sent me an evaluation CD for their PureCoverage *sigh* and I can't figure out how to upload my files with this new FTP program.
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| January 5 Tuesday. Well, no answer on who put up the "I WANT YOU" on my cabinet. So, I've put "AND YOU ARE WHO" next to it to see if I get an answer. And I'm going to email Casey about it, since I didn't see him yesterday. Went out to dinner with Terry last night. Thai food as usual. We had a good discussion on various natural drugs like St. Johns Wart and Ginseng. Lisa recommended St. Johns Wart for depressed mornings. I'll have to try it the next time I'm feeling like that. Dinner with Terry is always an adventure. You never know what you are going to end up talking about. Last night, I was a little tiny bit distracted by a conversation Johanna and I had had about Terry where the subject of Terry weight lifting came up. That had brought up a rather unexpected and erotic image of him in my mind. One that has stayed with me for a while. I kept trying to imagine what it would be like to see him weight lifting. He's very slender but in great shape. *dreamy sigh* It made for some good fantasy material. Meeting up with Brian T tonight. Doing the Thai food and Buffy thing. Brian also wants me to read the tarot for him. I've tentatively agreed. It's been a while. The last time I read, I predicted the break up of a couple and the reasons why (he felt betrayed because he wanted kids and she didn't). Within 4 weeks, the path followed through. It's going to be a busy week. I have something scheduled everyday until the 10th.
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| January 6 Wednesday. I have finally done it. It's ready. My submission package for my book. 42 pages long. 42 pages that represent more than just my work. 42 pages that are striving towards a goal that I have been reaching to for over 3 years now: to be a publisher author. I am already a published poet. In fact, I have three poems published: Moment, Twilight Dance and Words. I am so proud of my published poems. I have entered several more contests to see what else can be published. I'm thinking of writing my favorite comic book writer of Kabuki and sending him Dancing Assassin to see if he will illustrate it in one of his graphic novels. Still, I am reaching for that brass ring of becoming an officially published author. I did not realize just how scary it would be to finish the submission package. Boom. Done. Suddenly, all that is left is to print it out. I pace while my little StyleWriter 2400 cranks out each page. 42 pages. Then, I address the envelope, remember my SASE and then... I put the 42 pages in and seal it. Seal my fate. All that is left to do is mail it and wait. Paul, Donna's lover annoys me with a question about me being grumpy, then walking away as I explain that I am feeling a bit stressed. I'm glad he is going home tonight. Personally, I think Donna could do a lot better than him. Maybe that's just my nervousness and grumpiness talking. I look back at the sealed envelope, wondering why I'm so nervous. The worse they can do is say, "No." A little voice in my mind whispers, "No. It can be a lot worse than that. They could tell you that your baby is ugly and you aren't a good mother." I wince at the thought. Yes, my book is my baby. I lovingly fondle the words, tweaking the sentences here and there, making sure that everything is just right. What if they say, "Yes!"? My quandries have only begun. Then I have to sign contracts and deal withEditors and rewrites. But, in the end, I will be a published author! Only, it's of something I cannot show my parents because of their rediscovery of religion. How can I be proud of something that my parents would not approve of? Should I come out to them? I want to but I don't know how they would handle it. They might reject me. Should I not tell them about the book at all? Maybe my Mom could deal with it but she could not take the book into work and proudly say, "My daughter wrote this!" That's what she's done with each of my poems. Would my parents be ashamed that their daughter published a book about exploring BDSM? Probably. I don't want to disappoint them but this -is- my life. I haven't hidden it, really. Just not told them. No... that's not true on several levels. I tried to tell my mom once by mentioning that I was a member of the Society of Janus, an education and support society for BDSM. I have a Leather Pride sticker on my bumper. Still, I have avoided the topic with them. I'm so close to my mom but there is a part of my life she doesn't know about. Doesn't need to know about. This is one of those crossroads in life. For me, it's a big one. I could destroy that envelope and forget all about it. Work on one of my non-erotic works and try to get it published. But, I won't. I know I won't. I will put the envelope in the mail as I leave the house this morning. From there, only time will tell. Deep breaths. Yes, I can do this. And if Greenery Press turns me down, I will find another publisher and submit the package there. I can do this. I will do this. And I'll let you all know what happens.
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| January 7 Thursday. *hmmmm* Casey has no idea who did the whole "I WANT YOU" thing on my cabinet. He seems amused by it and admits that it would be something he'd do. However, he also does not think that it is a feisty maintanence person. Ah well. Such is life. Update on the Family situation. Mom and Dad have decided not to go on thier pilgrimage to Israel this year because Dad thinks the money would be better spent with him spending a month with Shannon/John/Emmi, taking care of Emmi. I think it's a good idea. However, since Dad has decided this, he's also decided that he doesn't want Scott to move out until March, just before Dad gets back from my sister's. Mom thinks she would be just fine on her own, but she doesn't seem to have a say in the matter (her words). Talked to Scott. He's actually looking for apartments. Amazing. On my home front. You know, I've tried to like Paul. I really have. Especially since he might be coming to live here. However, he *REALLY* pissed me off yesterday. I came home. I was a little grumpy/stressed from doing the whole book proposal package thing and I guess he could tell. He asked me "So, did you have a bad day or do you just not like being at home?" He had to repeat himself a couple of times before I understood what he was talking about. When I understood, I immediately apologized, thinking I had offended him somehow and started to explain that I was grumpy and stress over the book thing... however, he walked away in the middle of my explaination. I think he heard all of, "I'm sorry, I'm feeling stressed..." I found it incredibly rude and self centered. I really think Donna can do better. Last night, I went out and met another friend from online. His name is Jihad. I've been talking with him for a couple years online and then discovered that he was vacationing with a friend of ours less than 3 miles from me. So, we all decided to meet up for dinner. It was awesome. First, Jihad is just as wonderful RL as he is VR. Second, for 2 hours of dinner, I was It. The life of the Party. The Bomb. Da Woman! I was full of funny stories, witty comebacks, engaging questions and amusing comentary. (Takes a moment to bask in the memory.) OK. I'm back. It was really nice not to be captured by my shy streak for once. And I'm not just fooling myself, my dinner partners were smiling, leaning towards me, really interested. I mean, I can tell when people are bored silly or faking interest. When I left, Athaliah and Cedric promised to protect me from their scary roommate and asked me to visit. It was very nice.
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| January 8 Friday. My date for last night had to beg off because of working late. It's OK. I expected it. Instead, I stayed home and had a long chat with Donna about Paul. Surprise, suprise. Donna's other friends -hated- Paul. He was rude, contemptuous and condensending to them as well. So, it wasn't just me and my bias. Yeah! Then Donna started telling about one other thing about Paul that I didn't know. Along with the wife (whome he is no longer divorcing), he has another lover who is my age (like *ew*). This is the same man who wants Donna to give him a 100% committment. Ah well. It was just incredibly relieving when Donna looked at me and said, "Well, Jenn. I don't think it's going to work out with me and Paul." After that, I told her what he did to me on Wednesday. Apparently, she heard the whole thing and thought he was totally out of line. Have an actual project at work now. Only, I don't have the faintest idea how to do it. However, this is the perfect beginning to get my feet wet. It's not 'busy' work but it's not critical, so I can take my time and really get into what I'm doing. I'm glad. ShadowRun game tonight. It's only been three weeks since we played. If I remember right, we were about to go into the fairy realms to go up against one of the Immortals (Alachea) and her breeding program that is going to result in human looking beings that are as strong and fast as dragons and the magical potential of elves. Fun. Fun. Fun. As usual, we aren't getting paid enough for this.
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| January 9 Saturday. Insomnia at it's best. Second night running. The first night, I ended up writing about a LARP character named Elizabeth Bannister. She is a vampire. I don't have her in play yet. I don't know when I will have her in play. So, I'm writing background stuff on her. She's a vampire with MPD. So, the first part I wrote was about each personality and what they are like in The Conversation. The second story I wrote was about one of the personalities within her. Lady Blood, who is a dominatrix with an exclusive clientele. That story is called: First Time Client. It's a bit graphic on the BDSM and blood. So, if that turns you off, don't read it. So, this insomnia is causing me to stay awake - and I mean WIDE awake until 4-5am in the morning. Then, I end up semi-dozing until 10 or 11am. So, of course, I'm tired the next day.... until about 8pm. Then *BOING* I'm awake. Like I drank coffee or something. It's really annoying. Signed up for a Sign Language class. It starts on Tuesday, 6-8pm. This is going to mess up my Tuesday nights with Brian T. I'm bumming over it. I'm wondering if he'd like to come learn sign with me. I convinced Greg and David to. There are a LOT of good reasons to learn ASL: Communication without speaking. Talking to deaf people. It's a beautiful language. You think in pictures instead of words. It will give you a different POV on things.
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| January 10 WARNING: Depression ahead. Sunday. I've been reading a lot of other people's journals. As much as I enjoy them, somehow, they make me feel as if I have no right to have a journal at all. I'm not doing anything interesting, creative or life saving. I work with computers. Kinda dull. And I can't even talk about the really interesting parts here anyway. I'm also massively depressed about my weight again. I've considered joining a club/gym but I'd be too embarassed to go there. All I can really use right now is the trendmill. I can always buy one if that's the case. Actually, I'm seriously thinking about buying one. A good one. I've bought home equipment before... but they were all "neat" things. Healthrider - which I still have and occassionally use when it doesn't hurt my elbow. But with a treadmill... I can walk. I know I can. Maybe. I have to do something to get out of this horrible cycle of depression and low self-esteem. I don't want to hate myself or the way I look. END: Depression *** Went out for a while. Picked up some Ginseng and St Johns Wart. We'll see if it helps at all. Both Terry and Lisa swear by it. Oddly enough, the St Johns Wart smelled like chocolate to me. Going to go to the Downtime session for Bedlam's Rest. At this point, I'm not too worried about what happens because of all the other things going on in my life. I'm just going to socialize.
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| January 11 Monday. Oh dear. I've discovered Amazon.com. Yes, I knew about it before. However, I didn't really -know- about it. Yesterday, I went wandering through it so that I could pick up a couple of books on one of my most favorite TV shows: Babylon 5. Oh dear. They had books and music and videos. I ended up getting a CD I've been wanting and a couple of videos, too. They even have my gaming books there. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Me and my impulsive shopping. I'm going to have to restrict myself from that site unless I know EXACTLY what I want. I fell asleep sometime between 2:30 and 3:00am this morning. The insomnia is lessening but it is still giving me a lot of time to think. More time than I want - esp. late at night when I'm tired and emotional. My (abstract) thoughts tend to stray towards the emotional or depressive. Last night was no exception. Last night's contemplations were about lonliness and the nature of lonliness. And how, perhaps, people are not lonely, only unfulfilled and they are mistaking the unfulfilled feeling for lonliness. Take me for example. I go out and am with friends an absolute minimum of 3 times a week. Often it is 5-6 times a week. When I'm with them, I'm happy. I have fun. We do things together. I am not alone. Often, when I am at home, I spend my time online, chatting with friends from all over the world - many of whom I've actually met face to face. I am not alone. However, I find myself feeling 'lonely' - at least, I think that's the correct word. But, as I thought about it last night, I began to wonder if my lonliness wasn't really the feeling of being unfulfilled. Then, I began to wonder what would make me feel fulfilled? Is it finding a life partner? Is it losing the weight that I hate to look at in the mirror? Is it getting myself out of debt? Is it being published? Is it a combination of some or all of the above? I don't know. I don't think I have the right to say 'I feel lonely.' It's not like I am truly alone. And although I generally don't mention it here, it's not like I have not been ask out by men. I have. Only, I turn them down because I'm not attracted to them or simply do not want to go out. *shakes head* As I think about it, it makes me feel like a hypocrite. How can I say I'm lonely and then turn down a date? That's where we come back to being unfulfilled. I'm not lonely. I'm unfulfilled. I think being unfulfilled is worse than being lonely. I know how to fix being lonely. I don't know how to fix being unfulfilled. I know if I talk to my Mom, her answer would be to "accept Jesus." If I talk to Terry, his answer would probably be "I don't know." Or to hand me some books. I feel like I've solved the question to the Universe and everything... only, I don't know what the question is. Then again, maybe it's just my PMS-impaired brain talking.
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| January 12 I start my sign language class tonight. I'm pretty excited about it. Mostly because I'm happy about learning sign language but also because it's something new. I thrive on change. I always have. I grew up with change happening in my life, especially as a military brat and all the moving we used to do. Born 1970. Lived in Alaska until 1974 - then Fort Dix, NJ until 1978 - then to SHAPE, Belgium until 1981 - then back to Fort Dix, NJ until 1984 - then to Penn until 1987 (Dad got out of the Army) - then to Livermore, CA until 1989 - I went to college in Portland Oregon until 1992 - then back here to CA. Almost seven years in CA. Amazing. Though, in that time, I've moved 4 times in the Bay Area - From Livermore to Hayward to Fremont to Castro Valley back to Fremont. In March, I will have lived in the same place for 2 years. Almost a record for me. No wonder I'm itching for change of some sort. All my life, some major change has occurred on the average of every 2.5-3 years. I guess I'm starting to look for a major change - though, I just had one: My new job (that has my brains leaking out my ears.) *hmm* I wonder if that accounts for my restless nature. There are days when I wonder what it would have been like to have stayed in the same place, same city all my life. To have friends that I've known since 1st or 2nd grade. To have gone to the same school and not worried about each new place. To have the comfort of stability. The security of the sameness. Then, I think, no... I'm glad for my experiences. The hardships and joy. I loved Belgium. I thanked the move from Penn to CA so I could get out of the rut I was in. I have the ability to adapt quickly to changing situations and love the idea of a challenge. Yes, there are draw backs but I wouldn't change my past.
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| January 13 Wednesday. Casey showed me the most amusing *WRONG* Dutch commercial yesterday. It was offering English classes. The commercial was a family of four: Mom, Dad and 2 pre-teen girls getting into the car and turning on the radio. An ABBA-like pop song came on. The girls began giggling in the back seat. Mom and Dad smile and start nodding their heads to the music. The lyrics to this harmless song are: "I want to f*ck you in the *ss." Over and over. The end of the commercial was written in Dutch and English: "Now don't you wish you knew English?" While I was laughing to this horrible commercial, Casey looks at me and says, "Oh, by the way, I have direct inguinal hernia." *blink*? He then stands up and intimately points out where the hernia is and what the symptons are. Hernias are not that bad, generally. My Father and Brother have both had hernia operations. Casey's is no exception. He's going in next week. He's not too worry, so, neither am I. My sign language class is a hoot! Greg, David and I were the only ones who had any experience with sign language before and therefore were the class test subjects 90% of the time. There are only 8 students in the class and the teacher has not taught this class before. However, he volunteers at the Deaf school - teaching 18 first graders (5-7 years old). I think we are going to really have a good time.
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| January 14
In case you get a wild hair and would like to contact me: Nick - I've lost your ICQ number and cannot find it in the ICQ white pages. Email it to me please? Or better yet, send me a msg on ICQ? Thanks! *smile* I ordered my treadmill. Only this one is so nice and fancy that it's going to take them 3 - 4 weeks to get it to me and then they are going to bring it in and set it up for me. 3 - 4 should be enough time for me to dynamite out my den and rearrange it for the machine. Yesterday, I could have died of embarassment. As I was headed to the kitchen area, I hear my name being called. I look and it's Mary (not Casey's Mary, a co-worker.) She proceeds to tell me, from about 40 feet away, "In case you didn't know, Akien's next pool party is on March 23rd." All I could do was nod. You might be wondering why this embarassed me. Well, let me explain. Remember back in November when I was hired here, I told you all the I had been invited to a poly party during my interviews? Well, Akien is the party host of these parties. He is well known for it in and out of the company. As he told me once, they are clothing optional parties. So, now, this woman has just called out across a room to tell me this. So anyone within hearing distance just hear that she told me when the next party was. I suppose I should not be so embarassed. But, still, this is my work place. And, I really can't... DON'T want to see (or imagine) any of my co-workers in an "optional" state of dress. (Well, there is that one hardware guy.... Nonono. Jenn, be a good girl.) Much less have them see me in any sort of "optional" state of dress. It just seems wrong to me. As always, I am an odd combination of liberal and conservative. My boss is really busy. I had a 10am meeting with him yesterday that got pushed to 3pm then to 5pm then to 6pm. So, at 6:10pm, Sundar and I got together to work on the computers that needed it. And, oh, btw, your job includes networking now. Ah? OK. I can handle it. (I hope.) 2 1/2 hours later, with my brain leeking out my ears, I tell Hok, a co-worker, that I'm done for the evening. As I leave the lab, I discover that there are a LOT of people here late at night. This really is a late running company. So, this morning, I slept late, came in late and no one batted an eye. Probably because most of them were coming in then, too.
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| January 15 Friday! Actually got my project up and running and it continued to run over night! It's interesting to watch two programs duke it out for the same resource. Scott, Donna's son, has returned from Egypt. He was in good cheer. Apparently, it was good trip. He even bought me a gift. A small, trinket box. It was handmade. I'm glad he had a good time, but, *sigh* the mess has returned with him: in the kitchen, the bathroom, stumbling over his shoes in the livingroom. It's amazing how much of a mess that boy (Man? He's 18, on that weird cusp of adulthood after high school but before he's out on his own) can make. It's like he leaves a trail of stuff to mark his passage. You know, in this day and age, there is no rite of passage. No definite time when society looks at a child and says, "Today, you are an adult." Many cultures have such a ritual. It used to be a "Coming Out" party for young ladies on or around their 16th birthday. It was the announcement to all that she was eligible for marriage. These days, the closest thing to a rite of passage is getting your driver's license, being allowed to vote and being allow to drink legally. But it is so nebulus. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 22. But I drinking far earlier than 21. I do vote but many of my peers do not. It just makes me wonder.
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| January 16 Saturday. Really, not much of interest happened yesterday in a physical sense. Which was nice. But it did give me some time to ponder about things. Mostly animism - better known as all things, living or not, have a spirit, a personality, a soul. That somehow, they befriend or dislike us. That is why we name our cars, our computers, our favorite fabric friends. This whole thought line came across my brain as I was driving (more like sitting) in Friday night commute traffic. I was thinking about Dudley, my first car. That car went through hell and back for me. He drove on no gas until we got to a gas station, he drove over mountains that were too steep, he drove on an overheated engine and when he finally died, he managed to drive me 10 miles home... never to start again. Really, it was like the death of my best friend. I cried for days. I still miss Dudley and that was November 1996. He had a real personality. He disliked guys in general. I think he was jealous. He drove wonderfully for me and Mom. I had inheirited him for Mom. He was very cranky when guys drove him. All except for my then boyfriend, Chris - and that was only after I had a long talk with him, Dudley, about it. (No, I'm not kidding.) Now, I have a nice sedate, four door 626 Mazda sedan. His name is Dante. I have one of my fabric friends, a white fox, Alexi, in the back seat as a guard. Dante doesn't have that much personality. He has some. He's quiet, responsible and reliable. Very much like a proper family car. I think that's because his previous owner was a little old lady who only drove to the store or to church. I think about the 'friends' in my life, like my computer, Valdemar, who is a cranky cuss but generally does what I want and Rufus, a stuffed dog and my all time favorite fabric friend and dream guardian. This train of thought leads me to remember a dream... I walked into a little girl's room. At first, it seemed fine. I picked up a barbie doll. When I looked up, I saw that the girl's room was tattered, old, decaying. I looked down at the doll in my hand. She looked horrible, hair half gone, one eye missing, her head turned by itself and she snarled at me. I dropped the doll and backed away, pressing myself to the wall, whispering. "I don't think I can handle bad dreams right now." I half awoke up and grabbed Rufus to me, cuddling close and thinking he would protect me. I immediately fell back asleep, back to the same dream. I was pressed up against the wall, looking around, frightened. Then, I could see Rufus come into my dream, through the wall, behind me. He was about 3 times bigger than me and hugged me close, like I was doing to him as I slept. At that instant, I felt safe and warm. The little girl's room became bright, happy and new. The barbie doll was fixed and smiling at me. After that, I don't remember my dream but I remember I was very happy and secure. I love Rufus and I'm sure he loves me.
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| January 17 Sunday. I had a good day yesterday. All I did was write. I had a Gor storyline idea for a free woman. So, I've decided to return to (IRC) Gor as Lady Samira, Free woman and scribe of Ar. I just started the website and the Stories aren't up there yet.
I've written three other Gorean stories, from the slave's POV:
Now, Gor is most definitely not for everyone. Most of the time, it's not for me. As one review once put it, "The Gor novels are a fourteen year old boy's wet dream and a fourteen year old girl's worst nightmare." John Norman, a professor, first wrote the novels to prove that -anything- could be published. I don't think he had any clue that such a rabid fan base would be created. There are people who claim to be Gorean. There are those who say it's only Role play. There are those who say that Gor is a philosophy. So be it. Gor is what you make of it. And no one can deny that it is rich in color, culture and emotion. That's what makes it fun for me to write in and emerse myself in from the safety of a computer screen. I'm pretty sure I'd hate Gor in a real world sense. I've said as much to my Gorean friends online. All of them respect my honesty. Most of them express distain for most of the rest of (IRC) Gor. So, I will experiment and write my Gorean stories - just to see if I can.
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| January 18 Monday. It's raining. For those of you who are native Californians, you know what a traumatic distaster this is. For those of you who are not native Californians, this was how the average Californian reacted this morning when this horrorible fact was discovered: Person steps out their home and is hit by the raindrops. S/he pauses, looking up in confusion and then puts his/her hand out. As his/her hand grows wet, s/he realizes that... OH MY GOD! WATER'S FALLING FROM THE SKY!! S/he then rushes back inside, gets his/her wet weather gear and bravely faces this demon, heading into work. At this point, s/he gets into his car. Mistake #1. Now, once in the automobile, this person will either go 75 down the freeway - or 35 mph. There is no inbetween. And they will do this in all lanes. (You can see what good this does anyone. And why there are a lot more accidents.) Mistake #2. Also, they will forget all rules of the road and any customs/curtesies that they normally offer to the other drivers as they rush like panicked rabbits to get to work - just so they can get out of that -awful- wet stuff. Stop signs? We don't need no stinking stop signs! Mistake #3. ... Needless to say, I had the most 'interesting' time getting to work this morning. (Yes, that is one of those as-of-yet unheard of definitions of the word: interesting.) Once I got to work, I discovered my weekend test had failed due to lack of virtual memory. Then I discovered that, as I will be the 'expert' on ClearCase in my group, I need to take a training course. No problem - except it's going to be in Irvine, CA: Jan 25, 26, 27. Fun, fun, fun! Oh yes, totally off topic. If you tried to reach me on ICQ over the weekend, I'm sorry but I forgot that ICQ *kills* my poor little Mac. Valdemar is a cranky cuss and he doesn't like ICQ. Sorry about that.
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| January 19 Tuesday. I have given name to my enemy and that name is: Spider. OK. So, that's a bit overly dramatic but I'm serious. Me and spiders don't mix. And I think Scott attracts them. The three (blissfully quiet, clean) weeks that he was gone, I saw only one spider. Since he's been back, two new spiders have taken up residence in the bathroom and there was one in the tub this morning. It's not that I -hate- spiders. It's just that I dislike them in the house. Especially the bathtub - when I'm naked and about to step in for a shower. They squick me. I think it's a racial memory or something. If I'm outside, great - they live. That's their home. I'm a lot more tolerant. But, inside my home, most of the time, they are deadmeat. I try to be tolerant. Like in my bedroom, if I see a spider and it is on the opposite side of the room, it lives. If it crosses the halfway point at anytime, it is obviously there so it can walk on me while I sleep and I have to kill it. The law is the law. And yeah, the 'halfway' point mark is subjective. Heck, yesterday, there was a spider in my office, under the resumes. *ew* (Oh yeah, I have a interview today. *sigh*) I had to get one of my co-workers to deal with it. Turns out he *likes* spiders (double *ew*) and scooped it up in a cup and actually took it outside to set free. Ah well, to each is own. As I've always said... any man of mine needs to be able to kill/take care of spiders.
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| January 20 Wednesday. It finally happened. I knew it would... someday. I had hoped so. The thought of it gave me a warm tingle down the middle of my back and made me grin wide. "Oh, please..." I would think upon occasion. But, I would be disappointed. But not this time. This time it really happened. My first... I saw it. My heart leapt to my throat and I slowly opened it. My eyes caressed over every inch. It was a combination of want, pleasure and dread. What if... No, he wouldn't do that to me. Then, I found it. It was sweet, like a first kiss. I will never forget it. Thank you, Patrick for listing me in your page of Journals you read. You are my first. *hehehe* What did you think I was talking about? OK. OK. So, I didn't fool you. I made myself smile. It's the little things that count. *** Anyway. I'm kind of miffed. My trip to Irvine has been canceled and now replaced with a trip to Boulder, CO. *brr* All of the Irvine classes were full. I'm mostly miffed because I had friends in Irvine that I could come see. *SIGH* Now, I go to Boulder and as far as I know, I don't know anyone there. It promises to be a completely DULL trip. I guess I'll get a lot of reading and writing done. Oh! Another interesting thing... the resume of my old boss, Alan, from Ventritex crossed my desk yesterday. Seems he's bored with his job and is putting out feelers for a new one. Just goes to prove that Silicon Valley is a small, rather incensuous town - Be careful of stepping on toes today because they may be connected to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow. In any case, I really like Alan. Would love to work with him again but I don't know if he's a right fit. Poor Johanna. She got laid off again. She and 1/4 of the company. No warning at all. At least she's being paid for the next month. I'm going to help her look for a job in a non-startup company. This is the second time in a year this has happened. Currently reading "Dark Gensis" about the birth of PSI Corps in Babylon 5, my all time favorite TV show. Hopefully, Dale will be putting together a B5 LARP soon. He's been making noises about such for about a year now.
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| January 21 Expenses for my Trip to Boulder, CO on Feb 1, 2, 3. This is upfront so far, on my personal card. It doesn't include meals or taxi rides or any misc.
$995 - Class 1 That's hunk of change in my book. Thank goodness the reimbursement is only 1-2 weeks. Man... I suddenly feel like a grown up. Taking a business trip, making the arrangements - actually, having the AA, Victoria, make the arrangements. Then figuring what I'll need to do. Letting my friends know I'm going away on a 'business trip.' It just feels so responsible and ... adult-like. *** This entry was going to be a lot longer but I'm feeling REALLY bad. As in, I-just-got-violently-sick-in-my-office bad. I have a job interview to do today in about 30 minutes. After that, I'm seriously considering heading home.
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| January 22 Friday. Thank goodness. As it turned out, yesterday's illness must have been a bad reaction to the OJ I drank or some such. I stayed for the interview, which was a bust, intending to go home afterwards. However, I felt fine - barring the sore throat, the ache in my shoulders and the over all weakness I was feeling. So, I stayed at work to finish the frame work for my test plan. Unfortunately, I was an emotional basketcase for the rest of the day. Going from pleasant neutrality to an incoherent rage to a weepy depression.... and all because of stupid things like dropping my pen to the ground?? What the heck is happening to me??? I know the weather (which has been rain and gloom for the last few days) has been affecting people in major ways but this is ridiculous. On a good note, my new computer was ready for me... on a bad note, it didn't have a modem and such, so the IT dude (a cute guy named Zain) had to keep the computer. That's OK because I have to figure out how to get all the stuff on my Mac over to the new PC. And, I have to clean and re-arrange my room. Seriously. I'm thinking of re-arranging my room because of my new computer. Is that weird or what? Of course, my den needs to be bombed out with dynamite first. I have so much to do and a VERY full weekend. I'm not sure when I'm going to get it all done. Since my ShadowRun game is cancelled, maybe I'll do that tonight. Or some of it. Yeah. Be really productive and smart and responsible... That sounds too grown up. I wonder what Greg is doing tonight.
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| January 23 *none* |
| January 24 *none* |
| January 25 Monday. Wow. I didn't have a chance to write for 2 days. It was a very, very busy weekend. But first... Recently, I said that Patrick's was the first to list me in his journal links. This is true. And I was very excited about the whole thing. However, Regan is the first one to mention me at all in her journal. If she had a journal links page, I'm sure I would be on it. Mea Culpa, my friend. I didn't mean to slight you. OK. What happened this weekend. Friday night: No ShadowRun game. So, I ended up going out to dinner with Greg, David, Mary and Casey. Mary and I decided our waiter was *extremely* yummy and we flirted with him all night. *smile* It was a lot of fun. Saturday. I slept late. Late enough that Donna told me that she was expecting a man to come walking out of my room with me. *laugh* I wish. I spent most of the afternoon writing on Part 3: The Silk Merchant of "The Storyteller's Tale" on my Lady Samira page. Then, I went to the Diablo's Children LARP. Man, was that an intense, fairly frusterating game. However, in the end, Delphi (me) and a couple of other females solved the d*mned Demonic Disease thing. Along with that, the Council chairman, Aurther, whom I have entranced to me, declared this Camarilla territory and began to slaughter the rest of the council members. *oy* Bad news on burnt toast. Fortunately, my character has a phobia of violence and tends to flee at the first sign of it. Sunday. Slept late again because of getting in late from the night before. Did chores, paid bills and all that sort of mundane stuff. Then I went to the last game of Bedlam's Rest where all hell broke loose, literally. On a good note, Alexia, my character, discovered the "Light of Truth" - a gem to ward off demons. On a bad note, Janos, her sire had sold his soul to the demon for power the month before and betrayed Alexia by switching the gems. On a good note, even when I did the gem thing and it failed, I survived. On a bad note, it left me feeling... I don't know, vaguely dissatisfied with the whole game and how it ended. This is the second time Janos has betrayed one of my characters. Instead of saving the day, the whole thing flopped. On a good note, it was the last game and now I can actually talk about the reset to my friends, put this behind me and work on a new game/character/etc. So, now it's Monday morning. 1/2 the company is in the middle of a 2 hour class for ClearCase - I decided not to go since I'm going to be spending those 3 days freezing my ass off in Boulder, CO learning the same thing and more. I have to work on my test plan, review more resumes and make calls. It's going to be a fairly unstressful day - I hope. I'm still tired from staying out way too late after the game with friends.
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| January 26 Tuesday. Sign language class tonight. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone to practice with on a regular basis. Still. I really enjoy the class a lot. My friend Laurel had the most interesting idea for her character in the new Bedlam's Rest LARP, when it gets off the ground. We have been talking and decided that not only do our characters know each other, but we have a mutual blood bond. She is a Salubri, a generally good, pure kindred who heals and I am a Daughter of Cacophany, an off shoot of the Toreador Clan - and my character, is not particularly nice, good or pure. (Re: The Conversation and First Time Client.) It is like Yin and Yang. She is my Light and I am her Dark. When we cleared the concept through the GM, he remarked, "You know that being mutually blood bound, you two will be -more- than friends. You will have all the little gamer-puppy-boys in a complete twitter." Laurel and I are delighted by this. There aren't that many girls in the LARP to begin with - maybe 10 girls out of 60 players. I know she and I can both pull it off - though neither of us is Bi. At least, I don't think Laurel is Bi. Doesn't matter if she is. This will be a great new RP experience for me. However, this does come back to something I've been pondering on a much more personal level. The question is: "Am I bi-sexual?" My first answer is: "No." However, I am certainly not homophobia or turned off by lesbianism. I have, in fact, kissed several women and enjoyed it. But over all, I am not sexually attracted to women. I find women beautiful. Like art. I like to watch them - clothed or unclothed. They are sensual with lovely curves. Men, over all, are not that aesthetically pleasing to my eye, most of the time. At least, when they are naked - all fuzzy and hairy with wobbly bits.... But, I digress. So, I'm still not sure if my thoughts make me bi-sexual or not. I don't think so. I have a lot of bi/lesbian friends who tell me that they like my energy. I find women beautiful but I don't have the urge to sleep with them. Still, I find myself intrigued by the prospect of having a female lover in a LARP. Oh no! I just realized that I will be writing something I never thought I would: Vampire Lesbians in Love. (OK. OK. Elizabeth is going to bi. I'm not sure about Myrrh. But you get the point.)
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| January 27 Wednesday. Had a good time at my Sign Language class yesterday. Since I'm not going to be there next Tuesday, due to my {{{ Business Trip }}}, the professor brought in a video one week early. I thought that was nice of him. I can't remember if I told you this already or not but I posted a new poem. A Murder of Crows. It's an odd, morbid poem along the lines of "The Raven" by the Master - Edgar Allen Poe. It's still very, very rough, but I wanted to get it up there for Terry and Johanna to review and critique for me. Also, in case you did not know - a "murder" of crows is a group of crows. Like a pod of dolphins or a flock of geese. And yes, there is a double meaning for 'a murder of crows' at the end of the poem. Funny thing - I wrote the whole poem, some 113 lines or so, so that I could have that double meaning in a poem. We all have our quirks. It is funny, the things that make me write. I will write a couple thousand words on a story, just as a wrapping for one particular line that I think is just cool... or annoying... or won't go away until I write it. Kind of like: "Such is the life and death of a slave girl - measured in a short conversation and a few coins." That line appeared in: Death of a Slave Girl. (Warning: Snuff - An uncommonly cruel, callous and unpleasant scene.) I wrote the story more to get it out of my head than because I wanted to write it. Good writing. Icky material. Often times, story ideas come to me during my commute to and from work. I guess it is that stream of consciousness thing. Esp. now that I have no radio. But, when I had a radio, half the time, music was my muse. For example: The Calling came from listening to "Something Dark" and "Old Man of the Barrow" by Heather Alexander from her album, "Life's Flame." I swear, Heather's music is one of my own personal muses.
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| January 28 Thursday. It happened again. Another message in the magnetic poetry on my cabinet from an anonymous person. The first time, it was: "I want you." This time, it was: "Sweat with me." An amusing distraction that has left me a bit intrigued and slightly creeped out. I was stalked once in November of 1992. It was not a fun time in my life. I'd like to think that this is a pluckish co-worker is teasing me. I've already asked Casey and he told me it wasn't him. As he put it, "Jenn, if I want to make a pass at you, I'll make a pass at you. I certainly don't have to leave you a note in magnetic poetry!" He has a point there. *****
I received the following note in my email box...
That came from an ex-boyfriend of mine named Chris. He and I had one hell of a rollercoaster past that went something like this: How do I feel? I don't know. I loved Chris. Yes, I admit it. I could have been married to Chris. My family loves him. He loves my family. "Tristan James Wolfgang" could have been my son. My first response was a catty, "I'm not sure if I should say 'Congrats' or 'Good Luck!'" I don't know why I am feeling so catty. I do not want to be married to Chris and I don't want to have kids. Not at this point in my life. Johanna stomps on me. "Bite your tongue woman and say 'Congratulations.' That baby is the most precious and important thing in their life right now. Do not stain that." She is right. I send a nice email back, congratulating Chris and wishing the best in his life. Now, I'm left with an odd, almost hollow feeling. I wonder what would have become of me if I had taken Chris back. Would we be married? With children? Would we be happy? What would my life be like? God only knows. I don't know if I really want to know. I like my life. Yes, it is not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. But it is MY life. And I am living it the way *I* choose to. I can go and do as I want, when I want, with whom I want. I have taken total responsibility for my life and done very, very well for myself. I depend on no one and no one depends on me. Everything is as it should be. Isn't it? So... why do I have this lump in my throat?
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| January 29 Friday. Warning: Geek gaming talk ahead. We are starting the "College" game on Thursday nights now. A weekly game involving White Wolf's World of Darkness - Mage, Changling, Werewolf and Vampire. The premise of the game, designed by THE Rich Taylor(tm), is that a rich college campus sits on a *huge* node and Mages, Changlings and Weres come to the campus to get a regular degree and a "Shadow" degree. It's not all supernaturals. Only 300 supernaturals (including professors) to 35,000 students and some 5000 teachers. This will be an interesing game of how to learn about yourself (magic, etc), learn about the other supernaturals, save the world, avoid the frats and still get your homework done on time. The enemies will include: Mundane enemies in authority (ala the Principle in Buffy, the Vampire Slayer), mundane enemies who are peers (Frats, jealous girls, etc), supernatural enemies on campus (hidden nephandi, NOW, Arcanum, politicking professors) and supernatural enemies off campus (Vampires, Black spirals, Technocracy, Arcanum, Unseelie court, ghosts, anything else the GMs can think of.) This will be the first time I am Gming - along with Greg and Rich.
The Cast of players: It's going to be a fun little game. Lots of hooks into each character. I just hope I can keep track of everything. ***** As it is obvious, or maybe not, I'm not nearly as depressed over Chris' son anymore. I guess it was a bit of a shock. I've been thinking about this journal and what I write in it. It's not complete by any stretch of the imagination. It's like it's just a bunch of little snapshots of my life. Whatever it is that I am thinking of at the time of writing. Little tiny freeze frames in my life. Maybe about my hobbies like gaming or writing or reading. A tiny bit about my home life or my friends. To me going online. But... it doesn't tell you about the small victories of paying off two credit card bills or the compliment from a stranger that startles me. All these little things that make up me and my life - I have no hope of recording them all down. So... what is the impression I'm leaving? The lonely gamer geek girl who lives in the worlds inside her head? The dynamic, go for it, wanna be author? The Silicon Valley chick who is a QA manager and is still having a hell of a time filling her recs? The girl who goes out 3-6 nights a week to see friends or go to Sign Language class? A mixture of some or all of the above? For that matter, what kind of impression do I *want* to make? I don't know. I never really thought about it until now. Do I want to make an impression on anyone at all? Isn't this journal for me? Or... has it now become something different? Again, I don't know. I know I like writing in it. I know that it's been good for me to keep it going and to remember things that I should. You know what? Sometimes, I think I worry too much.
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| January 30 Saturday. I went to Kat's birthday party last night. It was a lot of fun. As usual, half the people got drunk and half did not. It was nice to be with my friends at a party in a non-gaming context. I cannot believe that Kat has just turned 19. She seems so much mature/older. Then again, she's been emancipated since she was about 14. She had the kind of birthday party that I want - good food, good friends, fun presents, music and laughter. Maybe, next year, I'll break down and throw my own birthday party. *smile* Johanna was in full party mode as well. Today, I know she is out looking for wedding locations with her parents. Always a joy. She and I had a long talk about the bachelorette party I'm going to throw for her, as the Maid of Honor. She wants a full blown, Leather, Latex and Lace party - complete with anonymous serving boys. You know, I could probably do it, too. I'm sure I could get a slave Mistress with her boys to come out and help me. This is the San Francisco Bay Area, after all. Hmmmm.... but where is that fine line? Most of the women there are privately in the scene, curious about the scene or open-minded. So, to throw a true LL&L party for a bunch of vanilla, semi-vanilla or french-vanilla women is going to be a balancing act. I'll have to send out something on the Frenzi list for advice and help. - But *AFTER* I get back from Colorado. Speaking of Latex... ohmygosh. Trisha should NOT be allowed to wear faux-latex pants. She was too good looking for words. Remember when I was chatting about women as art? Trisha is one of the main people I was talking about. She was all shiny and petable. She sat between me and Johanna as we were discussing the LL&L bachlorette party, getting very intrigued by it. I couldn't resist petting her leg - the faux latex was soft, smooth and warm. Trisha didn't mind. She said that my hands were very warm. (Remember, I had not be drinking at all.) I would have been content to pet her like a kitten all night, but the men were starting to give us three the hairy eyeball for sitting so close on the couch and giggling. Then Johanna, being Bi and tipsy, made a pass at Trisha. Trisha being Bi-Curious and tipsy said that she couldn't cause of her relationship with BrianB, but admitted that she wished she couldn't turn Johanna down... and then told me, that she was interested in me, too! Eii-CHEE-Wow-Wow! I was stunned. But you know what, I figure that Trisha just doesn't really know what she wants and just wants to experiment. And since I don't go beyond kissing and a bit of petting with a female, I think I don't have much to worry about. But let me tell you, those faux latex pants were worth the brief thought of going a lot farther. *whew*
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| January 31 Sunday. In 5 hours, I will be on a plane to Colorado. Being a "Daughter of Moon" and ruled by the tides - and this being a Time of Fire... this is a very crabby time for me. However, push all of that aside and I'm sure that this would still be a very crabby time for me. To put it in blunt terms: I DON'T WANNA GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Jenn, feeling better, turns the whine off.* I've been thinking about why I am so reluctant to go to this class that will help me, help my job and make me that much more valuable to my company and increase my job security. I am a world traveler. I have lived in 7 states and 2 continents. I revel in change and opportunity. I enjoy my ability to adapt to any situation. So, why am I so reluctant to go? I've never been to Colorado before. It's one of 10 states that I have not been to or driven through. ..... I finally figured it out. It's because it takes me away from the familiar. My usual routine. The things that I do on a normal basis. Considering all of this, I discovered something about myself.... To my horror... in my {{{ maturing }}} age... I have become sedentary. *blink*blink* *realization sinks in* *gasp* *abject denial* *much beating of the breast* *slow understanding of what this means* *acceptance* *determination to change* Wow. Sedentary. What a horrible word. Could it really be, that in the last, almost 7 years that I have lived in California, that I have lost my adventuring spirit? My will and want to go to different places that I have never been? Nevermind the fact that I have always been timid to drive to places I've never been. That sort of insecurity is easily overcome. But now, I cannot stand to have my routine interrupted? I always knew I was provincial... but sedentary? What a horrifying concept. This has got to change. I'm not sure how. I guess I will have to start trying and doing new things. Maybe volunteering at the deaf school. Or visiting San Francisco on my own. Or, I don't know. I wonder if my self esteem issues are a part of it. I don't want people to look at me and think: "Gosh, what an {{{ugly/fat/stupid/insert bad adjective here}}} person she is." (Yes, yes. I know. It's stupid to care about what a stranger thinks of me when I will never see them again - I never said that my emotions were logical.) These small epiphanies can really shatter a person's worldview.
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Continue on to: February 1999.