JANUARY 2000

The New Year Begins

Well, we seem to have made it into the new year. Usually, I do a "Year in Review" letter of my life but this year, somehow it all snuck up on my I didn't get my letter done. So, some highlights:

• Published six poems
• Won an award/plaque/money for one of those poems
• Became debt free!!
• Am working at a great new web-conferencing company
• Still living in the same place. I think this is a record for me now.

I'm sure there are more highlights but I can't think of them right now.

As you can see, I've continued on with the changing of the background for each new month. I've found a new backgrounds site that is pretty darned impressive. Dreamy's Backgrounds. I highly recommend them. Also, I decided not to change the front page of Abstract Thoughts right now because I figure that there will be enough people doing that already. It will be nice to have some journals with friendly familiar faces.

New Year's Resolutions. Yes, I do do New Year's Resolutions. I like them. I usually do try to remember to do them.

Last Year's Resolutions:

• I will write at least one new poem a month. (Done.)
• I will do at least one random act of kindness per month (Tried to do.)
• I will no longer eat any red meat. (Hah. Didn't do this one.)
• I will be a healthier person - changing my exercise and eating habits. (Didn't do this one.)
• I will submit my book to be published to at least two different publishers. (Done.)
• I will learn more about myself and the people around me, acknowledging the good and hard work of others. (Done.)

This Year's Resolutions:

• Save at least $6000 by the end of the year
• Write at least one poem per month.
• Reach Goal #8 in my reward system.
• Work on being a healthier person.
• Submit at least two stories to magazines/books to be published.

The New Year's Party at Rob & Lisa's was pretty good and very low key. About a dozen people all talking, drinking, eating and having a good time. Actually, the whole thing was fairly anticlimactic. I think Alex was the most disappointed about it. No good stories to tell the grandchildren about living through the Year 2000 mayhem. I think the most we will get to talk about is all the foolish Y2K paranoia that happened. But, you know what? I figure that's not so bad. All's well that ends well.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Moon, Reversed

New Year's Quotes

Some quotes from the New Year's party:

J: "We have our objective."
L: "Right here." Pats her hip.
J: "You realize the enemy will be merciless."
L: "Yep. But we can do it. Together."
J: "Alright, let's do it."
(Re: Grocery shopping before the party)

"Oh, my God!" (x2)
"It's Doctor Evil!"
"It's Lex Luther!"
"Daddy, you look funny."
"Daddy's got a bald head."
(Re: Rob's new look.)

"... and beat him to death - double damage with a flaming dwarf!"
*pause* "Was that a gay dwarf or an on fire dwarf?"
"On fire."
"Oh."
(Re: Rob walking in on one of Alex's gaming stories.)

"I resolve to have a whore's breakfast once a month."
(Johanna)

Oh dear. I have done it. Just when I thought I couldn't get any geekier, thanks to Johanna, I have. What is it this time? Well, you all know how much I loath grocery shopping. It's not the actual act of grocery shopping that I hate, It's the people I have to deal with while I do it. And it's my lack of time and want to do it. Guess what. I no longer have to leave the house to do my grocery shopping. Not when I have Webvan. Now, I can do all my grocery shopping online and have them deliver my order to my door!

I'm in danger of becoming a hermit!

Actually, I'm not. I just like saying that. *grin*

Now that I'm working on my health and fitness, that means severely cutting back all fast food and actually planning my meals and actually including fresh fruit and vegetables in them. That means grocery shopping. But, if I plan out my weekly meals and stick to them, I know exactly what need to buy each week. The other cool thing is that I'll know exactly what I spend on food a month.

At least, that is the theory. We'll see how it goes.

Tarot Card for the Day: The World

Real Survivalists

There seems to be an awful lot of relief in the world now that New Year's is over and the world has not been blown up and Armaggedon has not arrived. Everyone seems to be breathing easier. While all of the math geeks are quietly muttering into their drinks about how the new millennium doesn't actually begin until -next- year and they knew that there was nothing to worry about... but no one is listening to them.

Or are they?

You see, I think they are. But 'they' are a relatively small number of people I fondly like to think of as: The Real Survivalists and Millennial Nuts. These are the people who are quietly going about their business of life, all the while smugly knowing that it is NEXT year that the end will come and they will be ready.

Even now, in my mind's eye, I can see the religious zealot cackling away in his hidden lair, creating his plots to bring about the end of the world and/or the return of Satan or some Elder God or something like that. All the while, he'll be crowing about how he knows the true date of the new millennium and thus, he will be successful where the rest of his brethren have failed.

Makes me wonder how many horror/mystery stories/novels will be based around that idea. You know SOMEONE must be writing them.

Tarot Card for the Day: Justice, Reversed

Past and Future

Past: I have reached a new stage of my voyeurism. Not only do I read other people's online journals, I've begun to collect antique / old diaries. I just received my first one from eBay. A five year journal of a Christian woman from 1946 who wrote a little each day. It's not the most exciting of journals but it's still pretty neat. You get a real feeling for what her life was like.

Also, there is a special sort of something to know that this woman did not know that eventually, someone fifty years in the future would collect and read her journal. I have to admit, women have come a long way since her day.

I have several more journals on the way and I can't wait to receive and read each one.

Future: I have seen the future and it is called TechnoSphere! *hehehe* Well, not really but this is super keen virtual reality simulation where you can create animals - either carnivores or herbivores - who then live out their lives eating, sleeping, traveling, fighting or mating.

The TechnoSphere Blurb: "TechnoSphere is a 3D model world inhabited by artificial life forms created by WWW users. There are thousands of creatures in the world all competing to survive. They eat, fight, mate and create offspring which evolve and adapt to their environment. When you make a creature it will email you to let you know what it has been getting up to in its world. Using the creature tools you can find out how your creature is surviving, what it is doing at any time, and where it is in the terrain."

I have two creatures right now. Nimgyd (#108058), a carnivore and Nimgyda (#108050), a herbivore. (Yes, Nimgyd & Nimgyda are gamer jokes.) Both of them are still alive. Yeah! But neither have mated or had children. I keep hoping. We'll see how long my babies last. *grin*

I've been feeling bored and restless lately. I don't want to read. I want to write but I can't get motivated or focused. My thoughts are vague and flittering. Part of me wants to blame it on Cherny for stirring my thoughts up again. Part of me knows it's something internal. Something I need to work out.

Perhaps it's just the let down from the stress of the holidays. Now that there's nothing to stress about, my mind has nothing to focus on. No crisis in the works. So, it just needs to settle into some semblance of normality.

Whatever that is.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Emperor, Reversed

Poet of the Week!

I won the Poet of the Week award on Fae Gatekeeper of Dreams website for Millennial Mistake. *grin* It was a real surprise. Fae Gatekeerp of Dreams is run by Clare Gerl who is the editor of "Shades of Expression" which will feature Dancing Assassin and Mirage. What a nice surprise.

First recordable dream of the year 2000 from Monday night: Remembering - Traveling through time and space, I brave a meteorological Event to enter a building filled with memories of the past.

Johanna of Irregular Ramblings and Michael of Baker's Street featured in this dream.

Webvan delivered my order yesterday. It was so cool! They were on time and really nice. I may never go back to actual grocery shopping (while I'm single). There was one little snafu though. I thought I was ordering one bunch of bananas when in fact I was only ordering -one- banana. Poor thing looked sad all by it's lonesome.

Tarot Card for the Day: Emperor, Reversed

Back in the Saddle

I'm writing again! A couple thousand words on Pride of Bramsburg, the second chapter of Through Raphael's Ring. My mom was nattering at me about wanting to read the next chapter in TTR. She doesn't understand my Muse or when my Muse isn't talking to me or when I just can't write. What she does understand is that she wants to find out what happens next, darn it! *grin*

So, I started writing yesterday. It just happened. I had been mulling over the beginning of the new chapter and it finally gelled as I began to write. I got through the beginning and through the transition to the main part of the plot for this chapter with a bit of foreshadowing. Now, on to the meat of the story. I've pretty much figured out what story to tell, just working on how I'm going to tell it.

I've joined the Going & Going burb. It's for journals that have been active for over a year. Pretty neat. Though, there are a LOT of journals that have been going for over a year, not to mention two or three years. I suppose I shouldn't let that disturb me. This isn't a competition. At least, it's not supposed to be.

That is one thing I've never really understood about the OLJ community as a whole. From my perspective, and in my opinion, it shouldn't be a competition nor a popularity contest. What it should be is one person honestly recording their life, thoughts and emotions while allowing others to look in on that.

It can be a hard thing to do. I admit that I have a private section to my journal that is for parts of my life that are just too intimate to share. Thoughts that could anger or embarrass others. Especially those who read my journal or hear about the contents of my journal from others. Occasionally, I email out these private journal entries when I am looking for advice. Most of the time, they remain solely mine in my offline journal.

Why do journalers allow themselves to be drawn into flame wars and competitions over personal journals? When does an online journal stop being an online journal and become an episodic story semi-based on a person's life in order to entertain the masses and gain their praise?

I know it is one thing that I never want to have happen to Abstract Thoughts. I almost fell into that trap once before. I'm doing my darnest to steer clear of it this time around.

Well, the chain of Major Arcana cards as broken. Have to say that I'm not upset about it. Means some things are coming back into my sphere of influence and I have more control on how they affect my life. I'm not too superstitious, but I do know that I can sense things from the cards.

Sometimes it's pretty wild - like the time I ended up discussing relationship issues with a couple that were spot on that I had no previous knowledge of. (He wanted children, she didn't, I saw that they would break up and he would be with another woman, dark haired with a baby - and that's exactly what happened.)

Sometimes it doesn't make a lick of sense.

*shrug* All I know is that most of the time, I'm pretty accurate.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Cups, Reversed

Diet Fuzzy Brown Liquid

I've discovered that diet Coke now has an addicting yet strangely unsatisfying taste.

I have always limited my caffeine and I've been severely limiting my soda intake. I've been trying for no more than two cans of soda a day at most.

For the longest time, I was a diet Dr. Pepper addict. Everyone knew it. They used to tease me about it or during the lean times get me a six pack as a treat. Then, I decided to cut out caffeine and moved to Sprite. I like Sprite. It tastes good and interestingly enough, I stopped having as many acid stomach problems.

Now that I'm starting to regulate my caloric intake, I switched back to diet soda but I've found most diet lemon lime sodas to be intolerable. So, I've gone back to diet fuzzy brown liquid. My favorite at this time is diet Pepsi. It tastes good to me and I don't have an empty feeling after I drink it.

Yesterday, the vending machine was sadly out of diet Pepsi and I was forced to drink diet Coke. I found myself sip-slurping it faster than normal and when I finished it - much sooner than usual, I had the urge to get another one immediately. Strange. Usually, I nurse my diet Pepsi most of the afternoon, enjoying it to the last drop - sated when I've finished.

I wonder what it is about diet Coke that makes it so addicting. Is it the unsatisfying taste? Is it some odd ingredient in the mixture? Did they really start putting cocaine back in the formula? Enquiring minds want to know.

A bunch of miscellaneous other things happened yesterday, too. I wrote another 1500 words on TRR. Chugging along well. Still wondering how I'm going to write out the intricacies of the plot. I'm sure it will work out in the end.

Got my Amazon.com order with the complete set of Tae-Bo tapes, Lady and the Tramp DVD and a Calorie counting book.

I really do plan to eventually get into the Tae-Bo work out, but first I'm just going to watch them to see what they are like.

Lady and the Tramp has got to be my favorite Disney movie. It's sweet and loveable and I really like the animation. That's one thing I've noticed. I like the style and coloring of older Disney animations better than the new ones. I'm not sure why. I think they had more character. The Aristocats is a perfect example of this.

Did you know that the Quarter-pounder with cheese has 630 calories in it? *wow* That's a lot.

Tarot Card for the Day: Knight of Pentacles

Envy, Want & Anger

OK. I'm envious. I was chatting with Robert online and he told me about how his wife is moving a 'part-time' work status so she can work on her home projects - sewing, gardening, stuff like that. He's happy to let her do just that, earmarking any money she makes as "fun money."

What I wouldn't give to end up in a relationship like that.

Whoops. Is that my homemaker, subbie side showing? *smile* Yep. Back to wanting someone to take care of me so I can take care of our house and him and write. Oh, the feminists must be gnashing their teeth.

Is this a "the grass is greener" situation? Women for the longest time fought to be allowed to work outside the home. Now, at least half of the women I know wish they could be housewives but can't because they need two incomes to make it. Especially in Silicon Valley.

What an odd reversal of fortune. Who would have thunk it.

"Flattering child you shall know me... See why in shadows I hide. Look at your face in the mirror... I am there inside!"

I've been obsessing about Phantom of the Opera lately. I don't know why. It's been making me think of Elizabeth and Jonas. You see, I realized that, in a way, their relationship is similar to Christine and the Phantom. It occurred to me that Jonas taught Elizabeth to sing. (I can hear it now. Those who know my character are all going "Well, duh.")

No. Really. Elizabeth had never be taught how to sing before. She was all raw talent. She didn't need a teacher. Jonas taught her the basics and then the advanced styles. Taught her breath control and range extension. And, he taught her Melpominee.

Well, this train of thought just before bed led into an odd sorta semi-dream about Elizabeth starring in Phantom and on Closing night, Jonas takes over as the lead and mayhem ensues.

ISO Standard Dating System is odd but understandable. Year Month Day or YYYYMMDD. Today is 20000108. Me, personally, I think it should be 2000.01.08. Easier on the eyes to break up the number and actually figure out what date it is. I think I might actually start using that dating system on website.

TechnoSphere: Nimgyda and Nimgyd are dead. Long live Nimgyda_II and Nimgyd_II.

OK. Now, I'm really upset. Apparently, someone decided that I did a bad job of narrating at the last downtime and instead of coming to me and asking me, they decided to go talk to the Storyteller five days later.

If anyone had a problem with the way I ran the plotline, they should have said something to me right then... or even later in an email. I would have listened to them and looked up the call in the BBBB. But no, they went behind my back to the Storyteller to complain about a call I made without talking to me about it first.

Why the hell have narrators if their calls are going to be second guessed later without them being asked first.

You know. Screw this. It's fucking game. I'm just going to stop narrating. I don't to need my feelings stomped on like this. I've told DJ to take me of the narrator list. He's got enough narrators as is.

(Later)

DJ asked me if I would reconsider resigning if he ran a narrators class.

This is what I told him after thinking about it: "Ok. To make one thing clear. I am not saying "I'm resigning." just to get you to ask me to come back. I'm resigning because 1. After reading the BBBB, I did make an incorrect call. 2 I just spent the last 15 minutes crying over what feels like a betrayel and that is not the kind of stress I need. I don't want to get upset over a game and be this hurt. (Doesn't help that I've had a really, really long day.) However. I would reconsider it after I went to the class."

So, fuck if I know what's going to happen now. I'm still really upset because someone who is supposed to be my friend would do this to me.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Swords, Reversed

Company Party

I had my company party last night. It was surprisingly fun. I have to admit, it got off to a bit of a rough start though. Johanna was running a touch late. OK. Very late, but I didn't panic. I just picked her up at the BART and off we sped to work. The first shuttle was supposed to leave at 5pm and the second one at 5:30pm. We got there at 5:26pm. Woo-hoo! Turns out though, that shuttle didn't leave until 5:45pm.

Then, we headed up to the winery that I now can't remember the name of. The ride up there was long, winding and bumpy. Both Johanna and I were feeling just a tad queasy. By the end of the trip, I was gripping the seat in front of me, praying that I wouldn't get sick.

The place was beautiful! Everyone was dressed to the nines! I think the last time saw this many Tuxedos and gowns was at my last prom. I didn't recognize most of my co-workers. *grin* They are all very much a T-shirt and jeans crowd and obviously decided that dressing way up was a good thing. Boy, am I glad that I dressed up in my velvet, did my hair and make up and even wore my contacts. And, I'm glad cooler heads prevailed when Johanna and I were discussing her dressing in latex. She looked wonderful in a long black gown with a velvet top.

I realized just how few people I know at my company. The QA department is fairly insular. I deal with Mike, my team and occasionally, the engineers. I tried to mingle, I'm just not that good at it. Johanna, on the other hand, is a top rate schmoozer. I introduced her to the few people I knew and let her go.

Dinner was scrummy! Shrimp cocktail, then roast beast, baby potatoes and some weird vegetable thing that I decided that I wasn't going to eat. The most interesting part was that I was sat right next to the Chairman of the Board. Once I discovered that, I turned on the charm and up sucked to the best of my ability. Johanna and I kept him well entertained, methinks. He even cracked a joke about how Johanna was so laid back and subdued. Johanna didn't catch it. I did. My eyes widened and couldn't help but laugh. Phil, the Chairman got this wonderful twinkle in his eyes at my appreciation.

After dinner, I dragged Johanna over to meet my friend Andrew. He's one of the guys who talked to me about coming to work at Placeware and told me what it was like to work at Excite. Andrew is very friendly and he was there with his partner, Glen. We had the best time! I know it wasn't politically correct but the four of us sat there and just yakked away for about two hours.

Glen is a riot. He is a 'hairburner' (hairdresser) and we did get to talking about hair. When I mentioned that I didn't like to put anything in my hair but I did curl it, he soundly scolded me. "You put a hot burner to this beautiful hair without protecting it?! Shame on you!" Then, I got a small lecture on how and why to use gel or mouse in my hair if I'm going to curl it.

When the night was over, we exchanged email addresses with promises to send various URLs to each other. I have to send mine and some Vampire LARP links. We talked about getting together in the City for drinks sometime in the near future. I don't know if we'll actually do it. I hope so. I really do like Andrew and Glen. I'm so glad they were there. They really made my night.

The drive home was just as nauseating at the drive there with added discomfort of needing the ladies room. When we got back to the office to pick up my car, I dashed inside, only to discover that they had locked all the doors and I didn't have a key! *argh* So, it was a mad dash back to Fremont to put Johanna on the last BART train (or I would have been having a guest or driving her home) and then a mad dash back to my place for some much needed relief. I called Alex to let him know that Johanna was on her way and we talked for about 30 minutes. Then to bed, exhausted.

Today, all I have planned is to write on Pride of Bramsburg and then go to the pizza meeting.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Swords, Reversed

*NADA*

Time to Recharge

Yeah! Rich liked my concept for his game. Isabeau of Aquitaine, a female Crusader who becomes the family Matriarch and makes her farm into one of the most successful farming estates in France. We spent a lot of time working out the history and background. Tweaking the nuances and fleshing out the important bits. Also, made the human character sheet. Based on some of the questions Rich asked me, I think I know how Isabeau's story is going to go.

*argh* I'm stuck on Pride of Bramsburg. Have the entire chapter outlined out now. I know where I want the story to go, but for some reason, I cannot get into the groove. It is driving me batty. I don't know why this happens. Maybe I need to back off a little. I spent three days of intense writing and two days of banging my head. Now, maybe I need to settle back and recharge.

Writing can be emotionally draining for me. I don't know about anyone else but a lot of times, I feel like I've been wrung through the emotional wringer. Especially, when the scene I just wrought was intense.

Things are starting to seriously suck for me in Bedrest on a personal level. First the Narrator BS and now this thing with the Elder status. I think it was poorly handled. (This is not something I haven't already told the Storyteller flat out.) Suddenly, out of nowhere, I have to have 'group interview' with the other elders - even though not all the elders were there... and on top of it, these people who were supposed to be informed about this over the last 3 downtimes, knew nothing of it and react as if I'm some young upstart who's trying to crash their party.

And the rules changed on me. I think this is the thing that upsets me most about the whole situation. When I first wanted to find out how to raise my status, I got told that I personally could not petition for it. I had to get other people to do it for me. Now, I'm being told that I should have been doing the petitioning all along. It's not fair to be told one thing and then to have it turned around on me like that. I realize GMs in the game have changed but still. I am being screwed every way I turn.

My enthusiasm for Bedrest is starting to seriously decline. Right now it seems like I, as well as my character, are being seriously jerked around. The fun is very quickly being leeched away. If things don't start changing soon, I may have to take a break from the game. When my hobbies aren't fun, something's wrong and it's time to change things.

Tarot Card for the Day: Temperance, Reversed

Finally, A Calendar

Nimgyd_II is dead. Long live Nimgyd3 and Nimgyda_II. I've noticed that Carnivores don't do so well is this realm. They starve to death too quickly. Perhaps Herbivores have more to eat. But one would think that Carnivores would eat each other. *hmmmm* Something to ponder at a later date. I am ADD girl today.

It finally rained! About darned time, too. I was starting to worry. No rain in winter = drought in summer. And that bites. Not only that, the hills, which are usually a lush green by now, are still a dullish brown-green. Throws the senses off and looks yucky to boot. Not to mention that I finally have my windshield fixed and I want to try it out. Of course, it made driving home in commute traffic a real treat.

In a desperately masochistic attempt to avoid working yesterday (which mostly failed miserably), I created the Y2K Game Dates & Other Miscellaneous Stuff calendar. Since a lot of my friends have already scheduled games or have ongoing games that hit various Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays every month, I decided that it would be a good thing to have a calendar posted where EVERYONE could see when EVERYONE else's game is scheduled, along with various conventions, holidays and trips. This way everyone knows what's going on and when. So, if someone else wants to plan a party, a game or whatever, they can either try for a non-conflicting date or, at least, know what they will be conflicting with.

Now, I just have to wrestle DJ into giving me Bedrest game dates and pizza meeting dates. We have a meeting about it tonight.

*hmm* Still debating about adding Birthdays and Anniversaries to the calendar.

I've choosen a look for Isabeau. It's the actress Tilda Swinton from Orlando. Perfect for this character I'm building. Not a 'classic' beauty. Unconventional, like the character.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Cups

He's Back

It's rare that I actually like advertising. I've been known to NOT buy stuff because I hate the product's ad campaign. But, every once in a while, an ad campaign comes along and really catches my fancy. Ad campaigns like: "Got Milk?" or the Taster's Choice coffee soap opera with Anthony Stewart Head or Alta Vista's "Smart is Beautiful" campaign.

On the drive to work yesterday, I noticed a billboard. It was very simple, clean and very, very clever. All it has on it is:

That's it. Finally, a conceptual ad that assumes the viewer is not stupid. In fact, assumes the viewer is smart enough to remember the story of "David and Goliath" and is smart enough to figure out what they are implying with these two email addresses. That's the kind of advertising I like.

I've been talking to my sister, Shannon, via email lately. Boy, those pregnancy hormones make a normally sane women hyperactive and forgetful. It's amusing to see. My sister's ultrasound says that she's going to have another girl. But, until the baby is born, they are still going to call him "Fred". It's an old family tradition. All unborn babies are called Fred until birth. If it is a girl, her name will be "Amanda Joy". A very pretty name, I think. If, on the off chance, the baby was just very shy in the ultrasound and really is a boy, his name will be "Zachary James". Another very cool name.

I've been pondering visiting my sister. We've never been that close but I would like to get to know my niece so more and to become better friends with Shannon and John. My only fear is that the whole issue of religion would end up ruining the trip and perhaps what's left of my relationship with my sister. I really don't want that to happen. I'm kind of at a loss of what to do.

Is trying to get closer to my sister worth the risk of possibly destroying what we have left?

I was talking about really alien aliens with Tisfan yesterday and decided to come up with my own alien alien.

My alien would navigate by emotion of things close to it, eat by filtering germs from the air and would speak to each other by touch and emotion. To humans, it is like someone singing in the mind. It would sing within the mind with its whole body, which, incidentally, is a oval disc covered with a thick layer of 2 inch long downy white cillia that act as both sensors and filters. The disc is, on average, 13 inches long, 10 inches wide and 3 inches thick.

It stands on eight single jointed legs that are 9 inches tall and terminate in a three-toed tripod - three legs to each side with one leg at each end of the oval, making them very nimble. On top of the disc are sixteen slender, white, prehensile spines that are 11 inches long. They are evenly spread out around the oval in a circular pattern and are attached to each other with an iridescent gossamer membrane, looking like an odd sort of gossamer crown. These are the emotion projectors.

They also have the ability to make one believe that they are something they aren't - such as a plant, a rock, a wall. It is a natural defense.

Humans would call them something like "Mind singers" or "Sharers" or something like that because their native language has no sound.

Scott's back from Egypt. How do I know? Maybe it was the mountain of STUFF in the living room. Maybe it was the trail of clothing from the living room to his room. Or maybe, just maybe, it was him bursting in on me while I was in the bathroom. *sigh* So much for that.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Wands

Butterfly Wings

There is a story or maybe it is a myth or maybe it is a proverb. All I remember is the concept that a butterfly flapping its wings in Japan could cause a hurricane in Hawaii. I'm realizing that many of the big (or not so big) things that I've accomplished have followed this concept...

My chronicle the North Kingdom Campaign began as a fun one page "just because" writing exercise that turned into a 92,000 word book.

My nine poems being published, one of them winning an award, began as a desperate attempt to put my thoughts to paper and finally follow a dream.

My need of scheduling out the myriad of things going on in my life has become THE CALENDAR.

Heck, my main website was once only one page. You believe that?

I guess what I'm realizing that I don't always have to think big to wind up with something big. Big plans are a good thing but sometimes, just going one step at a time, enjoying yourself along the way, will product something just as grand.

Speaking of butterfly wings... I finally finished one of my major projects: I printed and bound my journals. The first one included the bits and pieces of journals from 1996 and 1997 and the last half of 1998. I also added, at the back, Dreamlines 1997 and 1998. The second, much bigger one was just Abstract Thoughts 1999 and Dreamlines 1999.

I'm actually quite proud of them. They are bound in black with sunset colored paper to divide each section. Hand written in the first one on the front page is, "Here beats the wings of a butterfly..." Then, I added butterfly stickers throughout the pages. Pretty neat, huh? Who knows how many of these diaries I will create? Perhaps, someday, they will be a valuable edition to someone's history archives.

Hey. I can dream and that's what I'm going to do.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Pentacles

An Engineer Moment

Oh yeah. It was one of those days for feeling the fool. I made myself look like an idiot in front of my boss today. I'm testing a new product at work and I spoke to [the Engineer] who is in charge of it. He wanted me to test only six things in the product - compatibility between the old server, new software; new server, old software; new server, new software - and test them all on multi vs. uni.

OK. I can do that. He was very specific in wanting me to set up a sniffer on the server to test the outgoing packets and that was it. That was all, he insisted, that needed to be tested. Silly me, I believed him. Thus, my test plan was all of half a page long.

That should have been my first clue that something was wrong.

When I talked to my boss about it, he asked... "Is that all the test cases you have?" He looked at me with his 'what am I paying you for?' expression on his face. So, I explained to him about the conversation with [the Engineer] and explained that I had never even seen the software in question. That's when my boss started mentioning things like -oh- Installation Tests and Preference Tests and Browser Tests. Then, he took me into the lab to show me the software. As I was busily making notes, I muttered. "Well, I can see this test plan getting a lot bigger all of the sudden."

He answered with, "Yeah. I know. That's why I was wondering...."

"But [the Engineer] was very definite and specific about what he wanted tested." I responded meekly as I blushed furiously.

"That's why we are the Testers and we make the Test plans. Engineers are too literal and aren't good at testing. They don't think about things like we do."

"Right. OK. I was just having an Engineer moment." Then, I scampered off to my desk to write a REAL test plan.

Seems I have gained a new penpal named Janette. She's the same age as me and reads the journal. (Hello Janette!) I'm not sure why, but I've had several people email me recently, wanting to be penpals. I don't mind it. I like email but I think it is a bit different than real letters that you receive in the mail.

I wish I had better handwriting. I think I would write more by hand if I liked the way my handwriting looked. My mother and sister have beautiful penmanship. I've always been envious of them.

Of course, it is a vicious circle. I can't get better penmanship unless I practice by writing but I won't write because I have horrible penmanship. ...

I just hit on an idea. A really cool idea. I think I should write "real" letters to my niece Emily. To practice my penmanship and for her to receive something in the mail and to receive something just from her Auntie Jenn. That's a really keen idea! Imagine my sister's surprise when something comes in the mail just for Emily. Emily is only two, but I think it would excite her, too. Shannon can read the letter to her and help her 'write' me back.

*bounce*bounce* What a neat idea! I have got to go out and get some really neat fantasy stationary.

Interesting. I was on sitemeter, checking my referrals when I came upon a URL by a man named "Kristoff". Imagine my surprise when I saw that his website looked exactly like my *ahem* website. From the colors to the layout to the placement of links. I had to double check and read the content to make sure that that had not been copied as well. I just had to email him and ask why he copied my format and if he was going to change the format in the future - or, at least, post a notice thanking me for my HTML 'assistance.'

I just don't like the idea of someone else's website looking exactly like mine. I've put a lot of work and creativity into it, making it clean and concise and interesting.

We'll see what he has to say if he responds. (It seems that he might have taken his page down, now.)

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Swords, Reversed

Hydroplaning & Gaming

We had an impressive rain storm here last night. It stretched from Antioch to Fremont in a steady, sometimes fierce, downpour. I had to drive a lot slower than I usually do at 2am in the morning. Gave me a lot of time to think about Howard's Jedi game (more on that later) whenever I was not-panicking at the hydroplaning or sudden gusts of wind that were attempting to knock me off the road.

(sarcasm) Hydroplaning is always so much fun. (/sarcasm) You're driving along at 60MPH and suddenly, for a brief moment, your wheels are not touching the road. Instead, they are gliding over water. It can be brief - just long enough for one to notice, 'Hey, I'm hydroplaning.' Or a little longer where one is thinking, 'Hey, I'm hydroplaning. Oh, sh*t!' and hope they don't lose control. Or, my favorite, where you hydroplane on only one side so that the whole car suddenly jerks towards the hydroplaning side that has extra friction on that side.

As you all can see, I made it home in one piece.

So, I was driving along thinking about the game that I had just been in and while I had had fun, I was feeling an undercurrent of tension and dissatisfaction. At first, I thought is was my dissatisfaction with the way the game is being played.

Current characters:
We are a group of Jedi Apprentices on an important mission for the Jedi academy.

Celan - Bob's character. Self described attitude as being like James T. Kirk. (I knew we were in trouble at that point.) But wait! It gets better. This James T. Kirk wanna-be looks exactly like Grand Admiral Thrawn, who, if you didn't know, has black hair, blue skin and red eyes. Really distinctive. Used to wear the all white Imperial uniform, black boots and a black cloak. Guess what this -Jedi Apprentice- favorite clothing is. No. He isn't related to the late Grand Admiral. Yes. We are going through Imperial space. Yes. He does know who he looks like. No. He doesn't care that we are suppose to be discreet and diplomatic.

Martin - Mike's Character. Ex-Imperial Marine. Current New Republic Navy Commander, on leave of absence to come to the Jedi Academy. He's declared himself Captain of the ship and we've let him. It's easier that way. Not very articulate. Thinks only in big terms. Has a habit of falling back into Imperial attitudes. Rather trigger happy.

Bill - Pat's Character. Tech geek extraordinaire. Fast runner. Pacifist. Better with machines than people. Very helpful, if a bit naïve.

Deirdre - My character. Renowned Psychologist from the Teirfon system who has the dark secret of actually being Grand Admiral Thrawn's illegitimate daughter. (The GM -swears- he didn't set it up. Right.) Also, her mother was an Isard, cousin to Iceheart herself. Needlessly to say, this Jedi Apprentice locked that knowledge away a long time ago.

XO of the ship. Originally, this character was going to have a temper problem. Unfortunately, with Celan and Martin, she's become much more like a babysitter trying to keep Celan and Martin from completely blowing the mission. (Which happens to be finding a lost Jedi Colony.) She still has the temper problem but now that the Jedi Knight advisor/professor, who was guiding us, is dead, she has no pillar of support to lean on and assist her with her problem. No role model. That 'turning to the dark side' is starting to look really inviting.

I think my biggest complaint right now is that we are all Jedi Trainees. We have had training in the force and what it means to be a Jedi. No one is showing that! Celan is keeping information from the rest of us, trying to rattle cages and generally being surly. Martin thinks he's back being an Imperial officer. Bill thinks nothing of looking for black-market material.

What happened to being honest, polite, truthful role models of the New Republic? To bring back Truth and Justice? To be the -HEROES- rather than the anti-heroes. Frankly, we need Alex to join the game to show everyone how to play a Jedi. Unfortunately, I think this game would drive him batty.

I'm not saying tell everyone upfront we are Jedi and on a mission. I'm saying, be subtle and intelligence. Deirdre did not lie once the entire game. However, she did allow people to draw their own conclusions and she did not tell them anymore than what they -asked-.

For example. Deirdre has a new friend. A Grand Admiral who served with her father who has discovered who she is. This Grand Admiral heard from the Lt., who was assisting us, that Martin said, "Anger leads to the Dark side." to me. The Admiral asked what Martin meant. Deirdre responded. "Oh, he is always quipping things like that. (true) He was doing it in response to my smacking Celan for a vulgar comment he made. (true)" That was all she said. The Admiral asked no more questions.

Ah well. Maybe it's just because it is the first game.

So, back to the whole reason why I was feeling undercurrent of tension and dissatisfaction. I was thinking about the game and decided that that wasn't it. Bob always plays mavericks. Mike always plays trigger happy kill-them-now characters. Pat actually role-plays and I didn't have a problem with his character.

Then, it hit me. I started to get really annoyed at all the sexual comments and innuendos that kept being flung at my character. It's to the point where I'm getting tense and uncomfortable about it. Bob is the worst offender. I know he doesn't mean anything by it but it's starting to piss me off. So, this morning, I wrote Howard (the GM) and Bob an email this morning:

Subject: A request

Hello guys,

As you can see, I made it home last night. It was an adventure. That was for sure. It took me quite a bit longer than usual. Thus, I had a bit more time to think about the game last night.

First, let me say that I did have a lot of fun. It has a grand potential. However, there is one thing that has been happening more and more recently that has begun to wear upon my nerves.

The amount of sexual innuendo and comments being flung at my character. I've tried to be 'one of the guys' and just laugh it off but I've been finding myself increasingly annoyed because the comments are getting tiresome, are vulgar and occasionally insulting. As a GM, and as a player, I am asking that the sexual comments directed at my characters be kept to a minimum.

I don't mind romance. I don't even mind the thing with the shop merchant wanting a date. That's fine. Fun even. But, the rest of it has got to go.

If you have any questions, please ask.
Jennifer

Then, I wrote Howard a second email:

Subject: Addendum

Hiya Howard,

The reason I sent the request to you as well as Bob is because you are the GM. Your conduct was fine, appropriate and amusing. (Though, the shower joke has gotten more than a bit ripe with age.) It is the kind of comments that Bob kept throwing at me that are starting to both piss me off and make me uncomfortable. I am hoping that you will help both reign him in and explain to him that I'm not mad. I just would like the comments to trickle a bare minimum.

Thanks
Jennifer

Then, I emailed Alex to keep him up to date. He knows me the best of that group and it is fairly likely that one or both of them will talk to him about it. This is the best way I could think to go about this. I even slept on it before I wrote the email to make sure it wasn't just fatigue talking. I would really hate to have to leave the gaming group because of sexual innuendo.

I am female. Female gamers deal with sexual innuendo all the time. I deal with it in Alex's game, in the College game, in Dave's game. But, it hasn't made me uncomfortable until now. I'm not sure what the difference is. I like character romance. It's a lot of fun if done right. Ah, well. Hopefully, those emails will solve the issue.

Tarot Card for the Day: The World

Touchy Situation

Bob sent me a short but heartfelt message and apology in response to my email message to him yesterday. It was very much appreciated. I wrote him back saying so and that he didn't have to walk on eggshells around me. I hope he understands that I'm not mad at him. I just wanted him to stop what he was doing.

This is one of the toughest situations to be in with a friend. You don't want to upset them or to make them think you hate them but you do really want to them to stop what they are doing. The situation becomes more complex and touchy when it deals with the issue of sex. Especially when one person doesn't even realize they are upsetting the other person.

I think I handled the situation in the best way I know how.

Lazy day yesterday. Got up late, spent a couple of hours answering email and doing my journal entry. Made a stab at cleaning. Watched Lady & the Tramp. Started the Heir to the Empire series by Timothy Zahn. I'll have to say one thing for Timothy Zahn. He is a very good author. I like his writing style and the way he expresses his imagery. He also wrote the Chronicles of Amber series. I really liked the series. The Heir to the Empire series is promising to be just as good.

Tarot Card for the Day: Death, Reversed

"Overmode"

Heaven help me. I've hit "Momma mode" again. I realized it as I was driving to work, thinking about Tonya, the AA and her telling me about having two children. I felt the usual pang of jealousy - only, it wasn't over how good she looks. It was over her having two children to care for and love. *sigh*

Keep me away from kittens and babies. Right now, I want both in the worst way.

I know it is hormonal. I know it goes with my cycle. I know all of that logically, but I'm still finding myself casting a speculative eye around at my male friends and co-workers, wondering if they would be good fathers. I'm even considering some of my gaming buddies.

Yes. I want children. Very much so, at this point.

*sigh* I can tell, it's going to be an emotional week.

I've gone into "Fret mode" over the whole Reno trip thing. A bunch of us are planning to go to Reno for DJ's birthday in late March. I've never been and I'd like to go, but it seems that I'm the only person not in a pair going along. DJ's parents, Rob & Lisa, Alex & Johanna, DJ & Christina.

I hate the idea of feeling like a fifth wheel on this trip. I really don't want to go if I'm going to feel like I'm "tagging along" everywhere I go. I know I don't want to go tripping through Reno by myself either. What's the fun in that? I don't know what I'm going to do now. That's why I'm fretting.

I've also seemed to have hit "Scatterbrained mode", too. Suddenly, I have all of these projects and things that I want to work on. So many that I can't seem to figure out which one to focus on first. Right now I have:

• Clean bedroom (ongoing)
• Print, organize, bind - "Before 2000" All of my writings before the year 2000.
• Finish editing "Girl Next Door", print and bind.
• Write and post: Episode 2, part 3 - Docking Maneuvers of "Tales of the Iridium Rose"
• Finish and post: Chapter 2 - Pride of Bramsburg.
• Write my January Poem.
• Continue reading: Heir to the Empire.

I have no idea which one I'm actually going to work on. At least, I have a list now.

We begin the new "Obsessive mode".

Almost three weeks into the new year and I still haven't managed to figure out how to regulate my meals. According to my doctor, I should be eating 1800 a day or less. That will definitely facilitate a weigh loss. She's also told me that I need to break up my meals into 4-5 small meals a day, rather than 3 large meals a day.

I've discovered that most the meals I am eating now are about 300 calories with 7 grams of fat. At least, the prepackaged frozen entrees are. At that rate, I could eat six times a day and still lose weight. It's when I go to McDonalds that the food kills the diet: Quarter pounder with cheese: 630 calories, 36 grams of fat; large fries: 320 calories, can't remember the fat grams. A lot! Just those two items equal 950 calories. More than half the total amount I should be eating a day! *oy*

So. I moved to four meals a day: 7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm.

Unfortunately, with the smaller portions, I'm finding myself hungry the last 30-40 minutes before each meal which is a bad thing for several reasons: 1.More incentive to snack. 2.Not listening to the body when it is hungry. 3.I am very distracted. Also, that puts my total intake to 1200 calories a day. I'm not ready for that. By 8:30-9pm, I am hungry again and am not caring on lick about regulating my health and diet. *sigh* I have to train myself not to expect as much at one time.

So, next idea. Go to five small meals a day like Doctor Garcia recommended: 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm.

I know that still keeps me around 1500 calories a day, which, while tough, is what I want. Just 'living' burns around 2000 calories a day. Burning an excess of 500 calories a day will mean that I will start to lost one pound a week - assuming I'm not exercising - which, at this time, I'm not.

I know I'm moving into this slowly. This is the way it has to be. I need it to become a routine. Otherwise, too much change too fast will make me fail. Once I have my diet routine down, then I'll start working about the exercise.

I think I'm in overmode.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Chariot, Reversed

Understanding the Female Cycle

*YAWN* One of the many unfun things about the normal monthly cycle is the sense of lethargy that overcomes me. It makes me do stupid things like stay in bed an extra 45 minutes and thus, allowed me to encounter some really unpleasant traffic yesterday morning. I don't know if it's the rain or if it's just the later time. Perhaps it's both. In any case, it was double plus ungood.

And on top of it, I had to stay later at work.

Another unfun thing is that while the uterus is shedding its' inner lining and getting ready to build it all over again, the body is burning a lot of calories to do this whole process. On average, a woman will burn up to an extra five hundred calories a day during her cycle. (I know it doesn't feel like it with all the water retension.) Thus, making the body crave more calories to make up for the extra expenditure.

This is one of the reasons women crave quick calories like chocolate or chips. There are other hormonal reasons, too. But, the excess burning of calories is the most direct culprit.

Where am I going with this? Oh, yeah. Means I'm hungry all the time.

I'm a sleepy, hungry, cramping, bloating, hormonal mess.

Welcome to "Understanding the Female Cycle" aka "Why is my Mother/Sister/Girlfriend/Wife Such a Bitch at that 'Time of the Month'?"

Talked to Lisa. While she and Rob really do want to go to Reno, it looks like they won't be able to because they will be buying a house soon and won't have -any- money to spare on fun stuff like trips to Reno. *sigh* I've decided to just forget the Reno trip altogether. I'm already stressing over it and it isn't even March. I suppose I can always plan a trip there sometime later. Rather than making it a big group thing, make it a small group thing.

OK. I am spoiled. I know it. I'm not moving out of here until I'm thirty. Oh, wait. That's next year. Um... I'm not moving out of here until I'm forty.

I came home from work yesterday, grumpy and wondering what to do for dinner. I didn't want to cook. I didn't want a frozen meal. I definitely didn't want fast food. I was all set to eat chips and be in a bad mood. Then, I walked in. There was Donna at the kitchen table. "Hi, Jenn! Scott didn't come home for dinner and I bought lamb kabobs. You want some? There's jasmine rice, too." As I dumbly sat at the table, she got me a soda.

I've got to be the luckiest, most spoiled renter in all of the Bay area.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Swords, Reversed

Voluntary(?) Leash

I am so annoyed at myself. I had one of those really cool epic story dreams like All Aboard or Love & War. Only, I woke up at 01:30 in the morning and really didn't want to get out of bed to write it up. It was so vivid and clear in my mind at that time in the morning that I was -sure- that I wouldn't forget it. Heck, I was sure I could wait until I got to work to write it up.

*sigh* Yes. I forgot it. Most of it. What I do remember is disjointed and weird. It was something about me meeting the Pope because I saved someone's life from bad guys who happen to be aliens. There was an attack on the Pope while I was there and I was knocked out. At that point in the dream, the Pope was revealed to be one of these aliens and was in charge. They had me put somewhere and placed in a particular position so that when I awoke, I would see [something] and immediately jump into [action]. Which is exactly what I did. Only, while doing this [action], [something] happened to reveal to me that the Pope was an alien, too.

That's all I remember. That was just the beginning. The story continues on from there, but I have no idea what happened.

Once my father really makes a decision, he doesn't screw around. He decided that it was vital that I have a digital phone. I'm a single woman who does a lot of driving and therefore, it's better safe than sorry. Since he works at Pacbell, he sent a direct sales rep to my office to sell me the phone! No more excuses about it being too much of a pain in the butt to get.

I am now the owner of a 6190 Nokia Digital PCS phone. It came free with the rate plan. It's got all sorts of bells and whistles on it - including games. It's a pager, too. Also, it can send or receive emails. Though, I haven't figured out how to do that, yet. However, with all these neat things, I don't plan to use the thing other than as a pager or for 'necessary' calls. (We'll see how long that lasts.)

Rick, the sales guy was really nice. I thanked him for coming to the office. I appreciated it. He told me, "Oh, anything for the daughter of [my dad]. I've worked with him for three years."

I laughed and asked, "What did he do? Threaten you if you didn't?"

His response, "Well, yeah..." Then, he laughed like it was a joke. I'm not so sure. Since he came all the way out here, I thought I'd let him chat with the office manager for my company. If nothing else, it might make another sale.

I did call my dad later in the day and he confirmed that he did tell Rick to 'take good care of me or else'. Apparently, the two have a really good working relationship. On top of that, Rick is going to 'get my father back' by mentioning what a beautiful solitaire ring I'm wearing, while neglecting to mention it's an amethyst solitaire. I just told him to be sure to let my father know it's a joke before he calls me in a panic (or a huff).

Wrote a new poem: The Passing of a Year.

What do you think? It's not my usual style. Johanna is always suggesting that I move away from the standard poem structure.

I made a MAJOR author mistake earlier. Timothy Zahn did NOT write the Chronicles of Amber. Roger Zelazney did. Mea Culpa. (I'm surprised no one caught that before I did.)

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Swords

No Brain

There are days when I think I don't actually have a brain. At least, not one with a working memory core. Especially in the morning. If I need to do anything outside of my normal morning routine, 80% of the time, I forget to do it. For example:

• I've been meaning to bring in some CDs to rip into MP3s for my work computer. I've forgotten them all this week.
• That brand new cell phone spent the day charging at home, doing me no good at all.
• I've forgotten to put on my new ring a couple times this week.
• It took me over a week to remember to bring in a picture for my office and I -still- haven't remembered to bring in my pocket dragons.

*sigh* I'm hopeless in the morning. I may look wide awake and even occassionally hold conversations but in reality, I'm just on autopilot. If it isn't part of my set pattern, chances are that it won't get done.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Wands, Reversed

Myriad of Things

I wrote up and posted Episode 2, Part 3: Docking Maneuvers from the last Tales of the Iridium Rose game. Lots of fun. I know I got some events out of order but that didn't change the over all feel or storyline of the episode. It was actually a rather subdued, but roleplay intensive, game.

Unfortunately, since Dave is sick, he had to cancel the 7th Sea game. Instead, EricL came over to help me put together the most awesome set of mortal enemies for the Bedlam's Rest game. We really didn't do that much with them. Just discuss things and I'm going to write up what we discussed

However, that I was just one thing we did. On those rare times when Eric and I get together, it's usually an explosion of tangents running all over the place. We talked about everything from all the various games we are in to relationships to the way men and women look at things differently to the supernatural and occult. There were other things but I can't think of them right now.

Raced through Heir to the Empire and I'm now on Dark Force Rising. Whee! What a story! Fast enough to keep my interest but not too fast to overwhelm me. Always leading me to ask, "What's gonna happen next??" Now I can see why so many of my friends have complimented this set of books by Timothy Zahn. I think I'm going to have to buy this series for myself.

Johanna was having an ouchy day of it yesterday with a bad headache. I know what that's like. Migraines suck. I would certainly take it away from her, if I could. That's one of those wishful thinking things. To heal others. To take away their pain. Can't do that much with the mental but easing/healing the physical would be a start.

Wow. That last sentence made no sense if you aren't me. Ah well. It's my journal and I know what it means.

I'm back to buying jewelry on eBay. I can't seem to help myself sometimes. If I get bored at work or home and I don't want to read or write, I end up just wondering through eBay. Then I'll bid on something I like and then suddenly, it's a competition. Fortunately for me, there's not that much that I like.

Tarot Card for the Day: Eight of Pentacles

Spinning My Wheels

I've been thinking of times past lately. Sometimes, this is a fun trip down memory lane. Sometimes, leaves me feeling like I'm just spinning my wheels. This is one of those times. It seemed like I use to do a lot more in my 'younger' days. More adventurous things. More impulsive things. More interesting things. Things like driving up to Canada to see Phantom of the Opera. Or driving to SoCal to meet someone or to go to a convention.

I miss my College daze of running around Portland at two in the morning as a weekend warrior or even sneaking in and out of the boys dorm rooms when it was after curfew. I miss my Star Trek days, running over to Visalia or to Sacramento to play with those clubs. I miss my BDSM days, being daring enough to shed most of my clothes at a public play party.

I used to do a lot more impulsive things. Just 'going and doing'. At least, it seems like it to me. And I had a lot less money to 'go and do' back then. But, somehow I managed. Sometimes, I wonder if it is just my memory getting to me where I'm just remembering the good and not the bad or maybe I'm romanticizing my past. But, I keep thinking, "What have I done lately?" I keep getting the answer, "Nothing."

I do know there is one thing that is stopping me. It's that I don't really have a definite "partner in crime" that I can just up and 'go do' stuff with. Johanna is my best friend but is married and lives about an hour away. So, things have to be planned. Lisa is married and has two young children. She can't just drop things and go play. I'm not good enough friends with Laurel and she lives an hour away, too. Most of my guy friends are attached to a female and them dropping to 'just go and do' something with me would probably not go over very well. Also, there is a big money consideration for some and even if I offer to pay there is a question of ego.

I wonder if I'm just getting too settled. I don't want to settle. I want to be happy, creative, impulsive. I want my life to be interesting and intriguing. Instead, I'm finding myself at a loss and feeling restless. Like I'm spinning my wheels while I want life pass me by.

Why am I such a bundle of contradictions? I want the safety and security of a good home and job. But, at the same time I want to take risks, try new things and be adventurous. How can I reconcile these two needs/wants? Is there even a way to?

Mom called yesterday. They have an offer on the house. They accepted it. It looks like my parents will be moving to North Carolina in the next six to seven weeks. My feelings are a bit ambivalent at the moment. I'm happy for them. They have wanted to move for almost a year. They really miss my niece, Emily. All they really want to do right now is be grandparents.

I know I will miss them. I know it. But, in a way, I'm glad they are moving a fair distance away from me. I'm going to feel like I'm 'out on my own' again. Because they've been so close, I've felt like they've been looking over my shoulder a little. I know, logically, this isn't true. It's mostly been in my mind, but I can't help it.

Of course, as soon as they move, I'm going to feel horrible. I know I will. Separation anxiety. So, I know I need to spend a lot of time with them until they move. I can also see my phone bill growing a lot once they are in North Carolina.

Spent some time over at Rob's, playing Concordia 2005. It's been a lot time between games. We are still very much in the pulp world of inner earth. This time, we hung out with twelve foot tall, jive speaking Neanderthals, spoke to the great Serpent Spirit in the sky and killed a T-Rex. Not a bad little game.

Tarot Card for the Day: The World

I Don't Suck! Really.

Ok. Minor twinge of jealously. I'm in the College game on Thursdays and, as you know, we completely geek out for the game - creating class schedules, wardrobes, journals, etc... for our characters. Rich's character happens to be in a band that just got signed. So, he created a lyric sheet for the record. When he gave it to me and Greg (the GMs), he told us, "These suck. I've learned I'm not a good poet or a good songwriter." I stuffed the lyrics in my (Monster) purse and promptly forgot about them.

Yesterday, when I was putting the hunter character sheets for Bedrest in my purse, I happened upon the lyric sheet. "Oh, yeah!" I thought to myself. "I was supposed to look at this a couple weeks ago." I sat down and read them... and my jealousy meter hit the roof. These lyrics were awesome! Both as song lyrics and as poems! I was amazed. And he thinks these suck? So, I wrote him an email, expressing my admiration at his lyrics, urging him to either try to get them published or to find a gothic band in need of a few new songs.

Right now, I'm trying to swallow my own "I suck!" attitude. I know I don't suck. But, sometimes, after reading someone else's work that has blown me away, I have to stomp on my personal critic. At least, this time, I caught it before I went into a complete tailspin.

Had the Bedrest game last night. I think it went rather well. Both of my hunter plots were great successes. Unfortunately, both hunters where killed. I expected this. Both players did excellent jobs. One player was to call my voice mail on the hour and report in. He managed to get three reports in before he was found out and killed. I could kiss him, he did such a good job of naming names, positions, clans and perceived powers. There are going to be some very exposed vampires soon. *hehehe*

Elizabeth was in a particularly nasty mood but managed to cheer herself up with the aid of playing with a couple of good natured neonates. Johanna and Jen are such good role-players and good sports! Though, one bad side effect of Elizabeth being in a very snappish mood was that Riley, who noticed it and was meaning well - trying to get the newcomers NOT killed by me, managed to hand off a lot of information about her to both hunters. Ah, well. Such is life.

Dave did a good job as the new Ventrue primogen. Too bad he had to make an enemy of everyone in his clan to do it. If they were actually on his side, I think the Ventrue clan would be a force to reckon with. Though, poor Dave was feeling so sick by the end of the game, he could barely speak. I felt so bad for him. I hope he feels better soon.

Tarot Card for the Day: The King of Wands

Self Destructive Urges

It's back. I'm not sure why but I'm back to having self destructive urges again. For the past week, I've wanted to purposely over eat and to purposely not go to work.

When it comes to eating, it's like I'm afraid either I will never be happy or I will never be in control. But, if I deliberately choose to eat, then I am in control and I'm 'doing it because I want to.' However, when I look at it logically, this makes no sense. I would never deliberately choose to be fat or to stay fat. I'm wondering if now that I've decided to work on this particular physical problem, I have some sort of mental block that is afraid of it. Afraid of me getting myself in shape.

Afraid that once I do get myself in shape, I will be just as lonely as I am now and all that work would be for nothing.

When it comes to work, I can't figure out why I'm dragging my feet. I like my job and my company. I am good at what I do and well paid for it. But every since the new year, I've been sitting on this strange apathetic feeling. I don't want to go to work in the morning. Once I'm there, everything is fine. But dragging my butt out of bed is getting harder and harder. I am finding myself wanting to skip work "just this once" 2-3 times a week. Fortunately for me, I've got a firmly built in work ethic and I only give into it once or twice a month.

It's like now that I'm 'out of debt' my mind has decided that I don't need to work or something like that. I'm not sure. I'm finding myself becoming impatient with the weirdest things. Traffic, bills, writing, reading. The more impatient I become, the more I start to think that I should just "start over" - as in, get this, get a new job! A new job? Why on earth do I want to go looking for a new job??

Would someone please tell me why I seem to want to sabotage all that I've worked for and all that I'm working towards? This is driving me crazy!

Of course, now that I've finally seen the amount I'm going to be paying for my stocks and I already know what they are worth, I'm *definitely* sticking around for a little bit longer. *grin*

Man... remind me never ever to watch "Emergency Vets" again! It's heartbreaking to watch people's pets in such pain and the tough decision that their owners have to make. And the sounds the animals make when pain! I couldn't stand it. I sobbed all the through a story about two dogs that were hit by a car. One of them died. The other did survive but still... all of those awful things that happened to those poor animals.

The heater pilot light went out on Sunday. PG&E can't get to it until next Saturday. Until then, we be chillin'!! Thank goodness I have the little heater in my bedroom.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords, Reversed

Extrasensory Wishes

For the past couple of nights, I have dreamed that I had either telepathy or telekinesis. One night of telepathy and three nights of telekinesis. The night I dreamed of telepathy, it was a disjointed dream, mostly of fear. Of having to keep it a secret. That if I told anyone, I would be exploited and/or hated. Most likely both.

The nights I dreamed of telekinesis were fun, odd dreams:

The first one, I was in a huge hotel with Alex who was wearing gray footed PJs. An amusing sight in my mind for sure. We were in a hotel trying to get somewhere but kept having to dodge Admiral Zaraiath (who was in a wheel chair) and Captain Andris. I had telekinesis but that wasn't a big thing in the dream. No one seemed to notice anything weird about me levitating a glass to my hand.

The second Telekinesis dream was something about me discovering that I had the ability and deciding to go public with it. I allowed myself to be studied as long as I was on salary. (Came out to be a little more than what I'm currently making now.) I became a celebrity, known as "The TK Girl", doing shows like the Tonight Show. It was all actually a lot of fun. I even changed my journal from "Abstract Thoughts" to "Abstract Thoughts of the TK Girl".

The last Telekinesis dream seemed to be a continuation of the second where there was a hidden colony of Psi people who were undecided as to what to do about me and my publicity of my extrasensory power. One of them tried to kill me while I was on the air with Jay Leno, but the leader of the group stopped him. I was terribly upset about the situation. Then, the leader then came to talk to me, explaining their fear and their decision that perhaps my publicity was the ice breaker that they needed. He promised to protect me, too.

The one thing that is really sticking with me right now is how easy and natural these abilities were in my dreams. Half the time now, when I look at my pen, I simply expect myself to be able to levitate it to me. Unfortunately, the pen stubbornly sits there. But, I swear I can feel a rush of warmth through my hands....

Ah, well. It's probably just extrasensory wishing.

Since I've been doing all that dreaming about extrasensory powers, I queried a few of my friends on what they would do if I told them that I had either telekinesis or telepathy. Most of my friends didn't want to know about the telepathy and all of them told me to hide both abilities because they felt that I'd be exploited and/or hated. Most likely both.

What would you do if you woke up with an extrasensory ability one morning? Hide it? Flaunt it?

About yesterday. It has been proposed to me that perhaps since the past is known and the future is unknown, I am afraid to try because I'm afraid I won't succeed, therefore, thinking about the past and how it 'wasn't that bad' and not bothering to try for a future filled with hard work.

I don't know. There is merit in the proposal. But, I have succeeded in a difficult task before - becoming debt free after being severely in debt. However, that was an easily quantifiable task. Stop wasting money. Pay off bills.

Losing weight and getting in shape is a whole different ballgame. So many bad habits to unlearn. So much self esteem wrapped up in it, too. And hard work. There are times when mental work is harder than physical work but I think this is not one of those times. *argh* It's almost like there is too much to think about.

Oh, why, oh, why can't I go to bed and wake up with a brand new trim and healthy body? I promise I'll take care of it. Feed it well, exercise, buff and polish in all the right places. Pretty please?

Buffy: I like Riley and Buffy's relationship. Riley is understandably impressed with Buffy. It will be interesting to see if he gets intimidated in the end. Walsh seems to be dealing well with Buffy. Poor Giles. I felt so bad for him. First Buffy forgets to tell Giles about the Commandos, then he's turned into a demon by Ethan. Giles should have pummeled him. And I -knew- Giles would not get along with Walsh! I'm interested in seeing where they are taking this "Initiative" thing.

Angel: I've said it before. I'll say it again. Welsey is a poor substitute for Doyle. I wish he would just go away! You have to admit, the bad guy, Wilson, was was very, very smooth. I certainly would have fallen for him... It was a decent episode. Low key but interesting with Cordelia's pregnancy.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hanged Man

Mistrust & Paranoia

Alex finally got a chance to look at Duvessa's logs of the last Tales of the Iridium Rose game and has decided to drop a minor bombshell on me. In the {{{Lucas Film Wipes}}} of 10. Twi'lek of the Gods? And 11. Docking Maneuvers, he's asked me to remove mention of the Marquis deLorik because he has never actually confirmed that 'the dark cloaked figure with an aura of malevolence and command' is actually our bad guy, the Marquis deLorik AKA Darth Stygoss. He wants the figure to remain anonymous for the moment, because it just might be someone other than the Marquis deLorik.

With our luck... it's Darth Vader.

Then again, Alex is probably just messing with our heads because he likes the reactions.

It's working, darn it!

I've gotten a number of responses on my questions about extrasensory powers and what one would do about it if either they heard a friend had it or they themselves acquired the ability. The responses have been surprising. There seems to be an overwhelming distrust of how our (fair? and just?) government would respond to such an event.

Everyone I talked to would not tell anyone about having telepathy and most would not tell anyone about having telekinesis. There was a great fear of the way the 'common man' would react. When it comes to something they don't understand, the reaction seems to be shoot first and ask questions later.

Most automatically assumed that the government would immediately capture, quarantine and experiment on said individual with this unknown ability. It would be a matter of "National Security" and ensuring that a "potential threat" did not fall into "enemy hands". In short, the person with this unknown ability would be a prisoner for the rest of their lives. What a depressing prospect.

Then, one friend pointed out the whole religious aspect of manifesting such powers. It would really suck to be stabbed in the heart, crucified or burned at the stake as some sort of demon/demon worshipper because "God" told some yahoo to do so.

My first thought was to scoff at their fear and paranoia. But, then I started to think about it. Maybe they were right. I keep forgetting that I live in the Bay area. That it is very liberal area. I hear that in the Bible belt area, they want to start teaching the Bible as actual history and Creationism as fact and to stop teaching Evolution altogether.

The more I thought about it, the more I understood my friends' thoughts. I have a basically optimistic point of view. I like to believe that everything will always work out for the best and the good in the end. I like to think the government is here to help and the military is here to protect. We all have our own opinions. I'm not so naïve to think that all my wishful, optimist POV is true.

But, that's too bad. I guess, in the end, if I did have powers, I couldn't tell anyone. Bummer.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Swords, Reversed

What a Good Day!

It was a really good day yesterday. I mean, just over all, it felt really good. I got to sleep in because I had a dentist appointment in the morning. The appointment itself went really well. My teeth are doing much much better than they were the last time. Though, he is still concerned about the whole gum disease thing. I need to be even more careful and diligent than I have been being in the last few months.

OK. I can do that.

Then, even though I was going to flake on work, I was in such a good mood, I headed into work anyway. Stopped for lunch first. Just Carl's Junior, but it was still really good. Actually remembered to bring the next set of CDs I wanted to rip into MP3s, too. All of my Bardic stuff that I haven't listened to in too long.

Dove right into work once I was there and got a lot done - testing, writing up PRs, etc... and at the same time, carried on an email conversation with Rich and ripped MP3s. I've really missed my Bardic music. I didn't realize how much until I started listening to it again.

So, fortified by music and conversation, work was easy. And, even when my computer crashed - a common occurrence when one is testing software - I had a nice bright, sunshiny day to look at while I waited for my computer to reboot. I realize that in Japan, getting a window office is considered an insult. Don't care. I love my window. I get to see the weather - rain, wind, sun, all of it. And, now that a squirrel, hence forth known as Walter, has moved into a tree next to my window, I have amusing entertainment, too.

Did you know that squirrels mark their territory by rubbing their cheeks against the tree? I didn't. For some reason, I assumed they sprayed or clawed. Not Walter. Walter, who is a fairly small, slender gray squirrel, spends quite a bit of time rubbing his cheeks against various branches. It's so cute! He wraps his arms about the branch and holds on as he does it. Just makes me want to squeal in delight. ... But I won't. Just to hold on to what little dignity I have left.

From there, to Rich's for the NVU game. It was pretty good. Talena, my Mage character is now being courted by a Satyr of House Fiona. Having just figured out who has been leaving her gifts, she's pretty excited about it, the ritual courtship dance that they do. She's constantly asking Lisette how the game is played.

And now, the best part of this entry... IT'S FRIDAY!! YEAH! Though, no Star Wars game tonight. *pooh* Oh, well. That's cool. I'm sure I'll find something to do. Since it looks like I'm in charge of three of the four main plotlines for the next Bedlam's Rest game, I suppose I could write them up. Not to mentioned the newsletter or the articles that I need to write.

Also, tomorrow is Sekt Valir! I wish I could bottle this mood!

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Pentacles

"Well, duh."

I had a classic "Well, duh." moment yesterday. I was looking at my digital phone and turned it on. I marveled that after five days, the battery level had not gone down any. Then, I discovered that I had three voice mail messages - all the wrong number - and five text messages of someone desperately trying to get a hold of someone else. I didn't recognize the number.

"That's strange." I thought. "I haven't even given out my cell phone number to anyone." In truth, I had forgotten to. Oops. So, no one should be calling me anyway. Then, I wondered why I hadn't heard the cell phone ring for the wrong numbers. That's when it hit me.

Of course the battery level wasn't going down any.

Of course I wasn't hearing the phone ring.

Since I had not given my cell phone number out to anyone... I left the phone turned off.

Well, duh. Oops.

Guess I better email out my cell phone number and start leaving the phone turned on.

[This "Well, duh." moment has been brought to you by the letters O and P and by the number 2.]

You know. I know I have a problem with spiders. They give me the willies. But it's mostly minor. I'm not paralyzed with fear. Outside, no problem. They live there, I know that. I avoid them whenever I can. Inside, mostly it depends on where I am and what I'm doing at the time. However...

Spides are not allowed to startled, surprise or sneak up on me. That gets them killed.

Spiders do -not- belong in the bathtub when I'm naked and about to get in for my shower. That gets them killed.

Spiders do -not- belong on the ceiling or wall anywhere near me when I'm about to go to sleep. That gets them killed.

And they certainly do NOT belong hanging TWO FRICKIN' INCHES FROM MY FACE when I'm still half asleep and reading journals in the morning. That gets them killed with great malice!

Yeah. I had an exciting morning. Talk about an adrenalin shot. (Or heart attack.) I certainly wasn't half asleep anymore after I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and glanced over to see a HUGE HAIRY UGLY BLACK SPIDER at least three feet wide, just inches from my face, baring his venom filled and dripping fangs in an intimidation gesture.

It worked.

Ok. So, the spider was more of a brownish color and maybe 1/4 inch wide. Nevermind the fact that he was probably more scared of me than me of him, but, he surprised me. That gets him killed. It's in the rules.

It was a great day at work. Unfortunately, because of my NDA, I could tell you but I'd have to kill you afterwards.

Tarot Card for the Day: Eight of Cups, Reversed

Romances, Murder & Pouts.

I've been giving a lot of thought to writing and writing as a business versus writing as a hobby. I'm back to thinking about writing Mystic/Supernatural Romances again. I have several plotlines already in mind and Mystic/Supernatural Romances sell really well.

Of course, though, I'd have to write under an pseudonym for the Romance novels - a different name than the more 'serious' writing of Science Fiction and Fantasy. Since I'm already a published poet under the name "Eden Blackthorn", I'm vaguely considering using that pseudonym for the Romance novels and my real name for everything else.

Maybe it's just vanity but, I think it would be cool to have my own name in 'lights', so to speak.

I finally saw The General's Daughter with John Travolta. There is one rant that I have to make. If she's a "general's daughter", she ought to be able to keep her hair in regs, darn it! However, there were a lot of good things to recommend this movie.

I noticed a lot of the military forms, courtesies and protocols were properly adhered to. That's actually pretty rare for a movie like this. The salutes were properly performed. The uniforms looked good. There was a real sense of camaraderie and military espirit de corps.

Travolta did a good job as the investigating Warrant officer. His character is an asshole, but an honorable asshole. His female sidekick was superfluous and unnecessary, I thought - but was probably put in the movie to show the strong, intelligent female type. Unfortunately, her presence smacked of the Director/Storyteller wanting to be PC. PC and military films just don't do that well together.

I wish James Woods had had a bigger role. I liked the interplay between him and John Travolta. The story itself was twisted, well paced and interesting. I kept trying to figure out the plotline, but it was always one step ahead of me for most of the film. This is a good thing.

It was very graphic and brutal, though. It's not for the squeamish - touching on some fairly heavy emotional topics. And, I have to admit, I picked out the murderer within the first twenty minutes of the film. I didn't know why he was the murderer, I just knew he was. Still, I give this movie a thumbs up. One worth seeing.

Also, now I know what's "worse than rape".

I'm feeling a bit grumbly at Donna. Not over anything major. It's just that a friend needs to have his cat watched for a while and I'd love to do it but Donna really doesn't want pets in the house. At all. So, I have to say no. It's making me pout something fierce. If a kitten adopts me, I'm going to have no choice but to move.

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Pentacles, Reversed

Cthulu at Half Time

Went over to Alex and Johanna's to help them move. Unfortunately, they weren't able to get a truck for the day. So, I ended up just helping them move a load of boxes over to the new house. This is the first time I've seen it. I must say that the neighborhood is ... intriguing. An odd mixture of white trash (Her words. Don't get mad at me.) and people fixing up the area. However, their new house is wonderful. Definitely the nicest house on the block. It is clean and neat with lots of mirrors and rooms. It really is a gamer house. I like the backyard, too. Big, spacious, with a spot for a table and chairs.

After that, we ended up watching Cleopatra 2525 and Jack of All Trades. First of all, they are made by the same people who do Hercules and Xena. That automatically makes them camp.

Cleopatra 2525 really sucks. But, it's targeted at fifteen year old boys with more hormones than brains. Yep. Three scantily clad females who spend a lot of time running, jumping, swinging and shooting. The jiggle factor is high. The quality is low. It -almost- seems to want to take itself seriously. I'm not quite sure what the point of the show is yet.

Jack of All Trades stars Bruce Campbell. That is the first major plus. Second major plus - its theme song is protrayed an amusing Broadway show. Third major plus - revolutionary espionage slapstick. It definitely does not take itself seriously and does everything possible to camp up the show. I might actually try to keep up with the show if I can.

After that, we headed over to Target to pick up some floor mats for the new house. My house warming gift to them. I also finally got my T-shirt sheets! *Yeah* I've been looking for these for a long time. Just got to wash them now. *bounce*bounce*bounce* It's the little things that count.

Speaking of little things, we ended up sitting down to watch the Super bowl. None of us particularly likes football, nor did we care who won. So, we had a lot of fun just enjoying the good and bad plays. And, the commercials, of course. Though, while they were amusing, I didn't think any them that I saw were that spectacular.

I think the best part was the half time show in which we decided that they were ritually summoning Cthulu to come and eat everyone - starting with the "rabbits", the singer in white and Phil Collins. It was so funny to hear Alex, Johanna and Dave talking about how different parts of the half time show were different parts of the ritual. Dave actually frightened me when he suggested that this be the next Cthulu game they run!

You might be wondering why, if the half time show was summoning Cthulu, we then got to see the end of the Super bowl. Alex maintains that the rest of it was just CGI. I playfully disagreed, saying that someone like the choreographer was actually an agent of Good and managed to stop the summoning. That's me. Sucker for the happy ending.

Oh, and even though I don't really care about football, I have to admit that the end of the Super bowl was an exciting one with Dyson missing the game tying touchdown by just one yard. I actually felt bad for him. He did a hell of a job. It must have crushed his world at that moment.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Pentacles