FEBRUARY 1999

In Boulder, CO.

In Boulder, CO.

In Boulder, CO.

Warning: Long entry. Catching up from my business trip to Boulder, CO.

Jan 31 - Sunday night. Traveling to Denver was a cross between boredom and panic. As expected, the plane was late. However, I lucked out and did not have to sit next to anyone. So, I was able to kick back, stretch out and relax. I went through my A-HA CD and my Midsummer tape. Some how, even though we left late, we got there almost on time. However, this did me no good as I spent the next 40 minutes being lost in DIA - until a nice lady escorted me where to go. Then I had to wait for the bus - in 20 degree weather. It was COLD!! And there was *gasp* snow on the ground in patches! I finally got to the hotel in Boulder at about 10:30pm and immediately crashed hard.

Feb 1 - Monday. I was only 1/3 of a mile from the class site, so I walked - it was COLD!!! I passed a little bunny that was warm where he was and he was NOT moving. I got there 40 minutes early. *grump* The class only had 6 people. I was the only female. Fortunately, I got paired up with the only cute guy, EricH, in the class. Unfortunately, he was married. Se la vie! The first part of the class was SOOOOO boring that I jumped into one of my worst habits that I had broken - I started picking at my nails and ended up destorying half of them. I knew I should have packed nail clippers. The second part was much better. I paid attention and actually learned something.

That night, I met Gerry for dinner. Now, Gerry is someone I met online - through a friend of a friend because I was coming to Boulder. Like Regan, Gerry is a guy who believes he should have been a woman. Unlike Regan, he does not intend to have the TG surgery because he does not want his delicate wobbly bits loped off. Also, he lives as a man to the public. So, I will refer to him as he for now. Unfortunately, I did not find Gerry particularly pleasant company. In fact, far from it. I found him mean spirited, arrogant and generally negative and whiney about everything. I found myself starting to pleasantly counter any negative comments he would make. Dinner ended fairly early and I feigned jetlag so he would not come up to my room. He said good night and told me that he had a friend for me to meet for tomorrow's dinner. I was too dull witted to back out of that one.

In truth, I really was a bit tired. I am not used to being at 5000 feet. So, I went upstairs and turned on the TV. I was quickly reminded of why I do not watch TV. Unfortunately, I clicked onto Wrestling - and like a horrible car accident, I just could not turn away. Gangrel was coming on. I remember hearing about White Wolf licenscing the use of certain clan names for use in the arena. I remember thinking it was a bad idea. Now, I -know- it was a bad idea. "Gangrel" was dressed in a white poet's shirt and purple tights. He looked like a bloody pansy-ass Toreador! Somebody did not do his homework. He and his "brood" were going up against the Dark Ministry - who proceeded to kick their vampiric asses all over the place! Now. I -know- wrestling is a lot of show and hype and such but I found myself growling over how they should have a REAL Gangrel in there and not some wanna be.

Then I had a thought... a random, abstract thought.

Yes, be afraid. Be very afraid.

Jenn goes off into la-la land. Imagine, if you will.... A Sabbat pack getting *really* annoyed at 'Gangrel' for being such a pansy. And they decide to do something about it. So, in a live performance, Sabbat pack break into the arena, which is actually fairly small, lock all the doors and proceed to stage their own show - where they beat up the Ministry, bite (but not kill) 'Gangrel' and then tell everyone that they are true vampires and that all of audience will die. (Mean Gene and the other Announcers are watching and trying to announce.) Just as the killing is about to begin, one of the doors *explodes* open and two women stand there in white cloaks and Greco-Roman gowns of white and gold. Shannon (a Celestial Chorus Mage) and Bethany (A Cult of Estacy Mage) come in and the doors shut behind them. Shannon, the lead woman begins to speak - all can hear her (she must have a hidden mic or something). She begins to tell the Sabbat that they will not hurt anyone in this place. The Sabbat are realizing that these are real mages while the audience thinks this is the most fantasical show yet.

Bethany and Shannon leap into the ring with the Sabbat. Bethany stops to touch 'Gangrel.' (Healing him.) There is a lot of dramatic posing of good vs. evil and then, Shannon brings out one of her secret weapons - She snaps her fingers and eight people in the audience stand, shucking their cloaks, dressed in white. (Kuno, Jack, Katsumi, Egon, Denise, Terrel, Kethry and Mark - The San Francisco Chantry) They begin Gregorian chants. The Sabbat start getting scared. Then, Shannon and Bethany stand almost back to back and drop their cloaks to reveal angel wings! They mantle the wings as the singing builds power. The Sabbat cannot touch the wings because they burn. Shannon touches the Sabbat leader who falls to his knees. She gets a life boon from him and then sends the Sabbat packing.

With the chanting still going on, Shannon apologizes to the crowd for the dramatics. She tells the crowd not to worry. "If the darkness returns, so shall we. We are the Angels of His Love and His Word. We are the Angels who protect you from the night. We are the Angels and we are watching." With that, the crowd goes wild, chanting "Angels! Angels!" Shannon pulls out a dove. The crowd quiets. The Greorgian chanting is quiet. She lets the bird go. When it is 15 feet above her head, it becomes a BRIGHT white light that blinds everyone (and cameras) for at least 90 seconds. When the light fades, the Angels and chanters are gone. The Announcers and Wrestlers are struggingly to recover and comment. 'Gangrel' gets up, thinking it's been a dream and the Audience is SCREAMING at the most incredible show.

End of Tape. The New World Order Technocracy dude sits back after reviewing this. "Well, they helped us with this one - saved the audience. Leave them alone for now. Leak bits and pieces of information on how the 'special effects' like the wings and light and disappearing could have been done." With that, the NWO lackey scurries off.

Now we return you to your regularly scheduled journal.

Feb 2 - Tuesday. Class was particularly frustrating and difficult today. But, I survived it. Had a long talk at lunch with EricH about Boulder. The quote is: "Boulder is 40 miles surrounded by Reality." Originally, it was supposed to be an insult by a conservative DJ in Denver. Boulder, being the odd place that it is, loved it and accepted it as their own. They like being odd and liberal. I did not see anything that was 'liberal' - then again, I am from the SF Bay Area. But, I did get a weird feeling from it. A bit like Pleasantville or the Beaver Cleaver Town. Everything seemed too in place to me.

Had dinner with Gerry and his friend Patrick. I found Patrick to be cultured, engaging, pleasant and witty. It almost makes up for me having to sit through more of Gerry's negativity and lies. He would say one thing and contradict himself five minutes later. I seriously considered poking holes in his stories and then I decided, it was not worth it. If he wanted to create his own little fantasy world, who was I to tear down his castles in the sky? I would be as guilty of being negative as he. So, I smiled and nodded a lot and talked to Patrick. Besides, I'm not planning to see Gerry again.

That night we had the most amazing wind storm! My window was bending and thumping. I heard that the wind was between 90 and 120 mph! It was interesting to watch.

Feb 3 - Wednesday. Class was good today. I learned a lot to take back with me. When I was leaving, EricH gave me his card and asked me to email or call him sometime. *hmmmm* Could be interesting. But not too interesting. He's in Boulder and he's married.

The trip back was a bit cramped but OK. I was sitting next to two Aussie dudes. It was fun listening to their chatter. When I got off the plane, Casey was no where in sight. So, I waited. Then, I call Elysium. They told us Casey had left to pick me up. Mary offered to page him and tell him that I was at Gate 82. I sat there, waiting, thinking all sorts of nasty things about him.... "Casey, love him to pieces. He will drop everything for you .... now, if he could only remember what he was doing." OK. So, it wasn't too nasty but I was not happy. I did not want take a taxi home. I called Elysium again. Nothing. They had not heard from him. So, I decided that I would wait 20 minutes longer and then get a taxi.

10 minutes later, I hear this page "Jennifer -------, please meet your party at carousel 3." Er? Damn. I knew I should have checked down there but... he was paged, saying that I was at gate 82. So, I haul my stuff down there and find Casey at a pay phone, calling Elysium. The first thing he told me was: "I didn't get the page. I'm sorry."

All the anger and worry melted away. We hugged and went to the car - where Casey had a soda and a sandwich waiting for me. I told him that I took back all of the bad things I thought about him. He laughed and thanked me. He had been waiting for me for an hour - didn't know that I only had carryon luggage. This is the second drastic airport mishap we've had. The first time: He went to the wrong airport. This time: First, he got the AM and PM mixed up (Yes, this is the second time he was at SFO this day.) and we had not coordinated the pick up. Once we were on our way, the whole thing seemed quite amusing, actually.

I wonder what's going to happen the next time I fly out some where.

Feb 4 - Thursday. Home again. Thank the Light. I love my bed!! I ended up not going to work. I forgot to set my alarm. Oh, well. Instead, I check home V-mail. My treadmill is in. Damn. I have GOT to clean up my den. And then I waded through 245 emails. Then, I posted my Business Trip Haikus. My experimentation in creating Haiku poetry. Then, I caught up on my journal. Now... I need *food* badly.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If prunes are dried plumes and raisins are dried grapes, how come we only have prune juice and not plum juice and grape juice and not raisin juice?

Friday. My head says it's Monday. My instincts say I'm still working in San Bruno as I headed in the wrong direction to go to work today. Man. I have I been so scattered-brained since last night. Last night, at the College game, I could not focus for anything. Nor could I understand what people were saying to me. I had to have them repeat themselves 2-3 times. It was like they were speaking a foreign language. I'm wondering if this is jet lag.

I destoryed my Alter Egos page this morning and had to completely redo it. *grump* I am annoyed at myself. At least I was able to redo it.

Update on the secret 'poetry' writer. S/he? left me 2 messages while I was away. I had left: "Who are you" and S/he? left: "Not tell to fast" and "Are you mad" Well, no. Not mad. Curious, creeped out and wondering. This is so odd for me. Since the magnet poetry isn't verbose enough, I have left two post-it notes: "Not mad - curious and minorly creeped out." & "The game is intriguing. How about a clue?" We'll see what they leave for me next time. I'm not completely convinced that it isn't Casey. Part of me is afraid that it is MaryT. *shudder* Nice lady but I DO NOT want to "sweat with her."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Duh... Which way did he go? Which way did he go?

Saturday. Ye Gods. My brain is sure that it is Tuesday and my body is hopping to go to work. Last night was a bust, socially, but a win productively. My ShadowRun game was cancelled, so I was going to have Laurel over, but she ended up having to beg off due to car stuff. So. What's a girl to do on an empty Friday night? Wash her hair? (What an excuse!) Go see Lisa/Rob? (I'll do that tomorrow.) Go see Alex/Johanna? (Maybe Sunday.) Veg out watching TV?

Nope! Not this girl! She puts her hair up and finally gets to work on some serious cleaning for her den - not because she wants to, but because the new treadmill comes in on Monday and work just gave her the *new* *snazzy* *ohmygosh* computer! (And she puts SCREAM 2 in the VCR. Good movie. A lot more scary than SCREAM 1 and less funny. Still, a good movie none the less.)

What does cleaning up the den have to do with the computer and the treadmill? Well, I need the room for the treadmill. As for the computer... I don't know. I guess I wanted a nice clean room to go with the next computer. (Man, I can see the floor! And it needs to be vacuumed.)

OK. Let me tell you about this computer. I haven't named it, yet. I will as soon as I figure its personality. It's a 400mhz, 128 MB Ram, 12 gig HD with a JAZ drive and a 21" monitor. I do get it for free - basically because when I leave S-S, I have to give it back but that's not going to be for a LONG time. (At least, that's the plan.) S-S is giving this to me so that I can work at home. This has both good and bad points. I'm sure you can tell me them. I need to buy a printer pronto (any suggestions on a good desktop printer?) and maybe a scanner.

Now. There is just one more little gotcha on this baby. It's NT. My IT guys were having a hard time making it connect with my ISP. They proved to me that it could dial out and make connections - just not to my ISP. I went and looked it up in the tech support for my ISP, on the net - how to do the set up on NT. So... later today, after my beauty treatment and visiting Mom and Dad... I'm going to come home, roll up my sleeves, armed with the instructions from the web and fix the d*mn thing myself. I can do it! I am a geek girl and a Renaissance woman! Then, once I'm all done with that, will have to reinstall all the usual (IMPORTANT) stuff: Zmud, mIRC, ICQ, AOL IM, etc, etc, etc....

So.... if you don't see me online for a day or two... you know why. *hehehehe*

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: What's a good name for a computer that is mine but not *mine*?

Sunday. As you can see, I got my new computer up and running yesterday. It took me about 30 minutes to physically put it together. At this point, I was calling it "My Companion" continuing on the Valdemar theme. Then, it took me 90 minutes to figure out the dialup networking with NT. There was one very disappointing call to my ISP in the middle of this. I had tried twice and failed. So, I gave up and called.

ME: Hi, I'm a Best.com user and I just got a new computer. I'm moving from Mac to an IBM, NT. I'm having some trouble with setting up the dial up networking.

THEM: Oh. Um. Hi. I'm sorry but we can't help you.

ME: What?

THEM: We have the access for NT but no one here is trained to assist you on NT. All we can do is fax you the documentation.

ME: I have the documentation from the website and I haven't been able to make it work.

THEM: ...

ME: So, you can't help me. (Thinking: You won't even try to help me.)

THEM: No, Ma'am. I'm sorry.

ME: Thanks. (Sarcasm at its best.)

THEM: Have a nice day and thank you for calling Best Internet. *CLICK*

So, I sat there for a moment, a bit upset. Then, I called Greg, Casey, Terry and BrianT. Looking to see if anyone had NT experience. No one was home. I was totally on my own. So, I rolled up my sleeves and went over the documentation one more time - slowly, carefully, discovered something I missed and suceeded this time. *HAPPY DANCE* I am ALL THAT! I did it on my own! F*cking Tech Support. Showed them! Showed me, too...

That's when her name came to me: NEED. The name "Need" is still with the Valdemar Theme by Mercedes Lackey. It is the name of a sword that is magical - It can fight for you physically or magically. However, if you can do one or the other, it will not do that for you. It will not let you get lazy. It will do for you what you cannot and will make you do for yourself what you can. That is what this computer just did for me. So, everyone, meet Need. Need, meet everyone.

I dreamed that I was in college again. On a campus. It wasn't a good dream. I dreamed that someone was after me and a friend. They left us notes and flowers. I don't remember what was bad about these but we were scared. Then, she and I had to ride in a school parade on horseback. During the parade, I noticed that the staddle was different. As I noticed and shifted back on the horse, warning my friend to do the same, a miniture buzzsaw blade popped out of it. I had to hold the base of it back so that it would not cut my crotch and stomach. I know my friend did the same but I didn't see her again after that.

Before that, I was a little worried/creeped out. Now I was seriously afraid. I drove to campus security for help but the one kid on duty was an idiot and didn't see what the problem was. It had become night. He told me go to the police. So, I walked there. The Police station was closed. I drove back to my dorm. There was a note there. I panicked. I ran across campus to security again. No one was there. I was frustrated and scared.

That's when I realized I'd have to walk back to my dorm room again - in the dark. It was now misty, too. Perfect slasher movie weather. I decided to brave it. When I was halfway there, I heard someone running, his feet pounding. I turned and saw this huge shape barreling towards me. He was strong, grabbed me by the shoulders, half carrying me onto the road. I struggled to look up and see who it was. Then he dropped there and a car... or a van speed towards me. I had barely enough time to get out of the way. The car stopped and turn a hundred feet away. I saw the original guy and the driver outlined in the car's headlights. Then, the original guy started running towards me.

This time, I was not going to let him scare me. I was mad. I hunched my shoulder and ran towards him. I tackled him, but it didn't do the damage I though it should do. We tumbled to the ground and fought. That's when I saw that it was Casey. "Why?" I asked as we grappled.

In my mind, I saw a chalkboard. It had written on it:
"As long as you:

Monday. It's been raining for about a week now, so most of the CA drivers have chilled out enough to drive almost 'normally.' (What counts for normal around here.) I was reminded again, as I drove into work why I love flex hours. I was trying to get in 'early' (IE: About the time the rest of the world tries to get into work) and spent much of my time in stop&go traffic. I ended up having to cut off the rest of my nails so I would not pick at them. It was about time to cut them all the way back in any case. I do that, about once ever 2-3 months, I cut my nails *super* short and let them grow back. It seems to help. Like pruning trees. However, as a member of a tool using species and my tools are part of those tools, this leaves me minorly handicapped for a couple of weeks. I use my nails for everything. I really notice it when they are not there.

Jan 4, 1999
Me: WHO ARE YOU
(Taken down after a week, no answer)

Jan 29, 1999
Them: SWEAT WITH ME

Jan 29, 1999
Me: AND YOU ARE WHO

Feb 5, 1999
Them: NOT TELL TO FAST
Them: ARE YOU MAD

Feb 5, 1999
Me: NOT MAD BUT SOME SHAKING AND SOME URGE TO PLAY
Me: ARE YOU MAN OR WOMAN
Me: TELL ME A VISION OF YOU TO THINK ABOUT

There you have it. I'm still not convinced that it is not Casey but the "Are you mad" question doesn't seem like him. I don't know. Especially after that dream I had about him on Saturday. I wrote a poem based on it called: Dream Stalker. What do you think?

That makes for a full week again: Tonight - Rob/Lisa, Tuesday - Sign Language class, Wednesday - Dinner with Mom, Thursday - College game, Friday - DunDraCon. I'm not sure if I will be at the Con the whole weekend.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Why can't it ever be done the easy way...? Just once, I'd like to do it the easy way. Is that so much to ask for?

Tuesday. I *am* All That! Not only was I able to muscle that 300 pound monstrosity of a machine from the garage into my den, I was able to set it up right - the first time! *whoo-hoo*! Score another one for the Jenn-meister! *hehehe* I've been in a serious "conquer and overcome all obstacles" mood for a couple of days now. I have to admit, it feels really good. Man, it is a -nice- treadmill. Quiet too. I will enjoy using it. "Move for just 30 minutes a day - that's all we ask." (Bad parody of the Almond commerical, mixing with Susan Power's 'You got to move, really move, for just 30 minutes a day.)

I just realized that one year ago today, I was hired by ICMS. Boy, that company changed in a big hurry.

I got my answer from my Magnetic Poetry dude. Interesting one at that. I think I need to get the more 'advanced' version so there are more words to work with. Here's his answer and my response. (See the 'to date' conversation in yesterday's entry.)

Feb 9, 1999
Him: A SYMPHONY OF PLAY
Him: A MAN
Him: A VISION - SORDID STORM DELICATE WHISPER ROCK SHADOW URGE SWEAT WIND SOAR

Feb 9, 1999
Me: A DELIRIOUS DREAM VISION - PLEASE ELABORATE
Me: HOW IS IT YOU
Me: WHY ME - WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME

I really don't know what to think. It is making me nervous. I am fairly relieved that it is a guy and not MaryT. OK. I'm asking, what do you all think I should do about this? It's probably a harmless game. But I keep thinking of that dream from Saturday night. What if it isn't harmless? *ARGH* I am such a hypocrit! I've always wanted something like this to happen to me but when it does, I freak out and start thinking of only the bad things that could happen. (Granted, if it is Tom, I am going to be disappointed and a bit uncomfy. Ah well. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Be careful what you wish for - you just might get it.

Wednesday. Sign Lanuage class was a lot of fun, even though I was not prepared at all. (Cause I was in Colorado and didn't get the homework.) I had to do everything off the cuff. It wasn't tooooo bad. Then, after dinner with Greg and David, I went home and posted The Storyteller's Tale, Part 4: Faily Ties to my Lady Samira page. I also added a little article on How to Write Character and Background Stories to my Alter Egos page. A bit of a productive evening.

Well. I got another message from my... I don't know what to call him now. My um, secret conversation partner, I guess. He broke the rules this time. Not only did he leave a message on my board, he left a message on my computer.

Feb 10, 1999
Him: TELL YOUR DREAM
Him: A FOREST OF MOMENTS - A MISTING OF TIME - A COOL FRANTIC CHANT TO THE GODDESS
Him: I LIKE THE PLAY

(Left in a Document on my computer from Him)
I like your essence...
Your energy entices.

But the board of words
is often
limiting.

I can't say
"I'm enjoying this play"
or
"I hope you don't mind"
or
"Are you enjoying this?"

-----

I'm still formulating how to respond to him. I think it will go something like this:
Me: CHOCOLATE EGGS
Me: SWEET SMELLING ROSES
Me: DELICATE LANGUAGE OF LOVE
Me: ALL FOR ME FROM THE ONE WHO IS MY MAN

(Left in the Document now called: Playing Words)
Thank you for the kind thoughts.

But you broke the rules
Part of the game was to deal
With the limitations
Of a finite set of
Words.

Are we changing the rules to the game?

Minding, no.
Enjoying, yes and no.
There is a concern, still of
Who you are
&
Where this is going.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Sometimes, the worst thing that can happen is for one to learn the truth.

Thursday. Had a good dinner with Mom last night. We went out for Chinese food and discovered that "The Emperor's Garden" was now a Japanese place. Since I was in the mood for something familiar, we headed over to the Yin-Yin. The food is good, as always but the service still sucks. Ah well, you can't have everything. Mom and I got caught up on our lives and now she's happy again. She says that she doesn't -worry- about me per se, she knows I'm busy. She just likes to keep a breast of my life. So, I got to tell her about my adventures with my new computer, NEED, and my adventures with my new treadmill - which has no name... yet. (I'm not sure I'm going to give it a name.)

I finished Episode 22: For the Love of Fathers in my North Kingdom Campaign last night. I've been on a serious writing kick, wanting to get caught up on some of the things that I've be putting off. I've started Part 5 of The Storyteller's Tale: 'Killing Words' and Episode 23 of the North Kingdom Campaign: 'Pomp and Circumstance'. I'm not behind on The Storyteller's Tale series. I'm on track. But I'm about 4 Episodes behind on the North Kingdom Campaign Series. I hope to remedy that over the next two weeks.

I've been so tired lately. Drained, even. I thought when I started exercising again, I would get -more- energy. I'm wondering if it's all the writing I'm doing. I do put a lot of myself into my work. These next few with the North Kingdom Campaign are promising to be gut wrenching. I'll have to watch that.

College game tonight. Greg's promised me that we all are going to be getting dreams and one will be prophetic... *hmmmm*

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Parents grow smarter as you grow older. It's an amazing coincidence that as you grow older, you see things in a new light.

Friday! Yeah. I like weekends. I like Conventions, too. I'm going to DunDraCon this weekend to game and wander through the Dealer's room. I don't have a room there - yet. If I'm lucky, someone will have cancelled. We'll see. Otherwise, I'll be there tonight and tomorrow.

I didn't get any writing done but that's OK. I pondered what I was going to write next for each series. Also! I got the next book from the National Library of Poetry that had one of my poems, Words, in it. The book is "The Drifting Sands" and my poem is on page 52. The index is wrong - says 54. I was a little annoyed at that. But they did get my biographical data correct! Now, I'm just waiting for the last book to come in and thinking of submitting another. Also, I'm back to considering self publishing some of my poems.

Last night, we had the College game. Greg was running. He threw some interesting hooks in our direction. I caught mine but I'm not sure what to do about it. Unfortunately, there was a lot of tangenting so, we spent a lot of time just gabbing. Still, that's to be expected of any new game/gaming group.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The '6 & 2' Rule to surviving a Convention: Either eat 6 times a day and get 2 hours of sleep or eat 2 times a day and get 6 hours of sleep. This actually works. I prefer the 6 hours of sleep but usually end up with less than that.

Saturday. Who would have thunk it... Clinton was aquitted of perjury and a hung jury on obstructing justice. Wow. And you know what? I'm happy about it. Yes, I am. Yes, I think Clinton did commit perjury but I think it was over something fairly unimportant in the big picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I just opened a HUGE can of worms with that. But you know what? I fully believe that EVERY SINGLE President, from George Washinton on down has lied to the American people. For whatever reason. Frankly, if the President can't keep his dick in his pants and he has a willing partner, WHO CARES! The economy is doing well. He is doing his job well. The state of his marriage should be a private affair between Bill, Hillary and Chelsea.

Moving right along to the next government topic, I did my taxes. And, as I claim only 0-1, I am getting a nice refund from Fed and State. A lot of people say that I shouldn't "let the government hold" my money. I could be doing things with it. What things? You know what, I'd rather them "hold my money" and get a refund than suddenly have an extra debt in April. I treat it like a savings account. Seriously. I don't have the decipline to do that during the year and taxes WILL come, so, why not look at it in as positive a light as possible. So, Fed refund will go to my debts and State will go to my savings account. That's how it's worked for the last couple of years.

Moving right along to the next absurd topic - Jerry Falwell claims Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies is gay?? WTF??? Because he's purple? And carries a magic bag that is -obviously- a purse... Uh... yeah. Right. When did purple become the gay rights color? I thought that was pink. Purple is the bi rights color. Oh yes, don't forget the Triangle of an antenna on his head. OBVIOUSLY a gay rights symbol. Looking at it, it doesn't look particularly trianglish to me... but I must be one of the brainwashed millions who don't realize the incredible harm that these manical teletubbies are doing to today's youth. Yeah. That's it. Incredible harm. Hmmm, Barney's purple. He MUST be gay.

Last night I was at DunDunCon to play in Serious Moonlight's Cthulu LARP: Evil at Bay. It was a lot of fun, after a few problems were taken care of. First, I told people were going to be there at 4pmish to start setting up. Since both Terry and Johanna had asked for help, I was there at 4pm - and sat around for 2 hours until I was kidnapped to Dinner by Michael, Shauna and Lauren. Then, when I get back, they are there, setting up and all and Johanna tells me, "Oh, sorry Jenn, I didn't know you were playing or even helping out until yesterday when Terry told me." P'nuck?? Exsqueeze me? What happened to the chick who *asked* me help out and play? I would not have even arrived at the Con until Saturday if that was truly the case. I ended up playing nameless NPC trouble-maker, rumor monger who didn't even warrent a name or stats. That's gratitude for you. *grump* Hopefully, Rich's ShadowRun game will be better.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I love Cons - it's a chance to meet people you see only once a year.

Sunday. I took a long look at DunDraCon and the people who are attending it this year. I discovered a few things...

1. Coming the convention, people will greet each other as if they are their long lost sister/brother/parent/lover/whatever. They will greet each other loudly and boisterously... even if they saw these very same people the night before. I was wondering why.... I think it's because they are so desperately happy to see someone they know, so that if the Con is a bust, they have someone to hang out with. I also think that it's an overt attention getter: LOOK AT ME! I HAVE FRIENDS. I'M NOT A PATHETIC LOSER.

2. I know a lot more people than I think I do. The female ratio at this particular con is about 1:5. Being female, I guess I'm memorable? I don't know. People were coming out of the woodwork to greet me. Even standing (in line) patiently to the side. Most of whom I had no idea who they were. Or, if I did, I did not have a good impression. Ah well. I chalk it up to #1 and add on the (Look, I know a girl!)

3. The average age of a Gaming Convention is getting a lot older. At Sci-Fi cons, Trek cons, etc... I'm getting used to feeling old with all the teeny boppers running around. Not this con. I actually feel young. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. There's not a lot of new blood coming into the Gaming circuit. I wonder why. I'm hoping Gaming Cons are not going to become museums of ancient gamers reliving a favorite game....

Because, I'd probably be among them.

Last night, as I was leaving the Con with Rob, we were talking about the flake factor of people. Now, I pride myself on not being a flake. In fact, I told him so. Vanity... a great sin. And, of course, my words come back to bite me in the ass. I flaked out not once but twice in less than 24 hours.

1. I forgot that I was supposed to have dinner with Greg and David last night at this 4 star Indian place. They even had reservations. Me, I was knee deep into a ShadowRun game. It's particially not my fault. I was counting on Greg to be there for the Changling game to remind - that got moved to Sunday. I will have to apologize to them for that.

2. The afore mentioned Changling game... I was supposed to play in it... at 10am. But my bed (and an unset alarm clock) held me hostage until about noon. Damn! It's almost 1:30pm as I sit here in my towel, typing this. I know I need to go back to the Con, apologize to Rich/Shauna for flaking on the Changling game and to give Matt his character back. (I'm playing a Pixie in his Gods Game.) I'm hoping to be dressed and out of here by 2pm.

Oh yeah... and somewhere in all this, I'm supposed to remember that it's Valentine's Day. "Bah Humbug!" I say to that. If you have a sweetie, I hope you enjoy the day. Just don't rub it in my face. *oh-SO-sweet smile*

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I used to think that I had no life, then I went to a Gaming Convention and realized how much more of a life I had, compared to many of those people.

Monday. Yesterday turned out to be the best day at the Con. I ended up playing in the Castle Falkenstien LARP, put on by Sneezy Lizard Productions. I don't know if they have a website or not. I'll let you know. I had the all time best time at their game: WORLD CRIME LEAGUE. I was playing an Unseelie Imp, named Robiquet, who could do Sorcery (very rare). One of my things dealt heavily with a young Alister Crowley. (Mind you, I picked this character at random...) And who should be playing the young Alister Crowley.... none other than my good buddy, Terry. *ACK* I knew I was screwed from the first moment on. Figures. I did have a fun time though. And I even got Arther Conan Doyle to write me a poem!!!

Tuesday. No response from the magnet poetry dude yet, but I wasn't expecting one. I figure tonight or tomorrow night. In a way, I don't want to know who because then I think things will get tense around them. But, if he doesn't let me know, I'll wonder and wonder and wonder. I don't know which is worse.

I know I wonder about Nick who has seems to have dropped off of the face of the earth. I'm hoping he is OK. (Nick, if you happen to be reading this - please drop me a line. Thanks.)

Yesterday, after work, I came home and started feeling REALLLLLLY grumpy. Went online. That didn't help. Coded up my Gems of Wisdom page. That helped a bit because I can never remember the health and mystical properties of stones. But, Greg and David popped by unexpectedly to show me Greg's new cellphone. *ack* He has been assimilated. Damn. That means I can't put mine off for much longer.

At first, I was REALLY annoyed that they showed up but I was the good hostess and invited them in. It turned out to be one of the best things for my mood. They dragged me out to dinner to China Chili. Despite it's name, it is actually a really nice resturaunt with *good* food. Wow! The lemon chicken was excellent. I was feeling much better when they dropped me off home again.

After that, I headed over to Rob & Lisa's place. I dropped by Clancy's and picked up ice cream for everyone. We watched the rest of X-Files, the second part. I found it pretty good even if it left more questions than it answered and even though it gave Cancerman a soul and then took it away from him again. I'm interested in what will stop the alien invasion now.

Then I stuck around to watch the 2nd part of Stephen King's Storm of the Century. *ack* What a creepy movie! King did himself good, as usual. Fortunately, Part 3 is on Thursday night when I'm at my college game. Rob & Lisa can just tell me what happens.

Chicken?

OhYouBetcha!! Me and my over active imagination will be over here in our corner of the coop. *cluck*cluck*cluck*

I'm serious. My over active imagination has scared me and gotten me into trouble more times than I care to count. I have extremely vivid dreams - like the nightmare last Saturday about Casey, after watching SCREAM 2... Of course, I did get a neat poem out of it. Still, I know too many fables... or the bad part of fables without remembering on how to kill the bad guy. That kind of knowledge can play hell on the psyche. That's why I can write so vividly. People often tell me that they get sucked into my stories.

I think the greatest compliment I ever got was from a friend named EricL. He is a HUGE spelling, punctuation, grammer Nazi. He was reading Leap of Faith (it's old, forgive the writing) and he told me afterwards that he got so into the story that he forgot to think about the spelling, punctuation and grammer. That is a high compliment from EricL. Of course, he was disturbed by the subject matter a bit. That's the other thing. Some of my writing tends to stick to a person. I still think of it as a compliment.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "An Adventure is someone who is 1000 miles away having a perfectly shitty time." -Regan

Wednesday. Actually, it's currently Tuesday, but since this won't be posted until Wednesday....

OhmygodsIknowWhoItIsNow! It's Casey's Boss, Akien... the guy I thought of first and immediately dismissed. He's cute and married and poly and just walked over to talk to me about it. Said "It's me." and made it very clear, anytime I want, he and I can be intimate because he thinks that I'm very "yummy." OhmyGoshOhmyGosh! I am muchmuchmuch relieved that it's not Tom (who, apparently, is gay) and so freaking embarassed that I can barely speak. Man. I need to trust my instincts. But, with Tom annoying me 5-6 times a day.... Akien really wants me to come to his pool party.

*rereads that* This makes no sense. Calm down. OK. My mystery poetry magnet dude is Akien and not Tom. (*whew*)

He came over to tell me, since he sensed that I was starting to freak out about it. So, he told me. Made it clear that since he is poly that he does have a primary relationship, but wouldn't mind a secondary dalliance with me - IF, that was my pleasure. He made sure I was doing OK, now that I knew (which I am) and then dropped the ball in my court and backed way off.

Wow. What a bombshell. I have no freaking clue what I'm going to do.

OK. Now that I've had some time to think about it and the panic has receded, I find myself enormously flattered. This has done a lot for my ego. However, I've found myself with a LOT to think about now. I don't want to do the WRONG THING(tm) because I'm feeling lonely or desperate. Akien is poly. His wife is, too. I haven't had an offer like this ever. I've spent a lot of time wandering over the Polyamory FAQ site. It seems that I have a whole new thing to consider about myself.

Am I polyamorus?

Um......

Heck if I know.

Yes... no.... maybe? I don't know. I've always found the group families of the Heinlein books enormously appealing. Poly fidelity within a circle. But, reality strikes. I know I can be very insecure and jealous. But... I don't necessarily want/need a person all of the time. I've always been the type - as long as you are here for me when I want/need you... enjoy. To me, that sounds incredibly selfish but that is the type of 'security' and assurances I need.

It goes back to my conversation with Patrick about how my "ideal" relationship was a triad with two bi men. Wandering through the Polyamory FAQ site, I realized that, yes, in theory, I am polyamorus - but, I have no practice in reality.

Guess I should take Casey and Mary up on their offer to go to some poly events.

Well, putting all that aside, I worked like a dog yesterday and ended up getting home too late to go to my sign language class. *grump* So, I cooked a pizza and talked to Donna. I swear, she and I are both living surreal lives right now. Paul (yes, the one I don't like) came to visit over VD. Fortunately, Donna and he went to a nice romantic spot and I spend most of my time at the Con. So, I didn't see him. I was surprised that he was here, visiting again after Donna said it wouldn't work out. I asked her about it last night. He is looking for apartments here and she isn't sure what she wants. She is fine on her own. She isn't sure that she even wants Paul here fulltime. (I tell her 'Fine. Dump him.')

Then, she called his best friend, Joe, to take him out to dinner for his birthday as a surprise. Then, Paul called and said that he was at a resturaunt with Joe. Something about his car not starting at the airport. Donna got concerned and told him that she had just talked to Joe, who was at work - thinking another co-worker, Mike, had pretended to be Joe. I told her that it was Paul who was lying. She wouldn't even hear it.... but several hours later, she came to me and told me that Paul admitted lying. He was not with Joe at the resturaunt. He had been with his wife. Why lie about that? Donna doesn't care. Man, this has BADBADBAD written all over it.

So, I watched "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer" - my favorite show now that B5 is off the air. And I finished up and posted the next episode in my North Kingdom Campaign series: 23. Pomp & Circumstance. It was a fun write. A bit dramatic, but still fun.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "What fools these mortals be!" -Puck

*sick* No entry.

Friday. *ugh* Sick. Nasty headcold turned into Martian death flu. It sucks massively. Hacking up a lung. *ew*

Mostly slept yesterday but when I couldn't sleep, I finished up 24. The Weight of Consequences in the North Kingdom Campaign series. A couple more stories and that particular campaign will draw to a close.

Everyone I've talked to about the Akien thing has basically said the same thing: "You work with him? Run! Run away!" They have a good point. Getting romantically involved with someone at the office is not the smartest thing in the world.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: (This space intentionally left blank.)

*sick* No entry.

Sunday. I'm finally starting to feel better. When I woke up, I didn't immediately notice a sinus headache or an inability to breathe. Yeah! I spent most of yesterday either sleeping or writing. Actually, my illness has been great for my writing. I've been too sick to go anywhere and fairly impatient with the online crowd - though, I did manage to have one or two good conversations. One on D/s - online verses real life. The person I was talking to finally said, "You are a deep and complex person. I like that." The other conversation was discussing the mindset of how the same activity is abhorrent in one setting but acceptable or coveted in another setting. (IE: Imprisonment in a cell verses imprisonment within someone's bedroom.) In any case, I was complimented as a 'complex philosophical thinker' in that conversation, too.

Two compliments in one day. Amazing. Of course, it could have been the DayQuil.

In any case, I got two more stories done for my North Kingdom Campaign series: 25. Loose Ends and 26. Surgical Strike: The Night of Miracles. Yeah! That means I'm only one story behind... One of the most interesting of the series: 27. A Dinner of Peers: Unraveling the Gordian Knot. Where Elea and Donnan, with a bit of help from their peers, unravel the mystery that has been plaguing them and discover who (one of) the hidden enemies is. It's going to be fun to write. Now... if I can just remember all the pieces....

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: In a book, a great mystery is one that can be solved - but not until the last chapter, when the final clue is revealed. At that point, for those who have been paying attention, the puzzle becomes clear.

Monday. Ugh. It really feels like one, too. I dragged myself into work and everyone who has seen me has said - "Jenn, you don't look so good." No? Really? Gee. I wonder what's wrong. Perhaps, it's cause I've been sick for almost a week. Ok. Ok. It's only been 4.5 days. It still feels like a week to me.

I don't know if it's the drugs or being sick, but everything seems twice as hard today. I am having one hell of a time wrapping my mind around a ClearCase problem and I'm not looking forward to the interview this afternoon. Still, I hope it goes well. I really need to find my automated tester.

You know, being sick gives one a lot of time to oddly think. I can't tell you all of the strange things I've been thinking as I zone in my chair or commute traffic or at the computer. As fantasic as it seems, I can't seem to focus on anything long enough to put it to paper. Ah well. Another time, maybe.

Oh yeah, I got the third book, "A Quiet Place" with my poem: Twilight Dance in it. Page 27. They got the index right this time! I have to remember to show Mom next time I see her.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Theobromine is a wonderful thing.

Tuesday. Feeling somewhat better but not completely well. It's an annoying crux between being honestly sick and well. I went home yesterday and took a nap. It was very nice. Then I had a talk with Donna about sending Scott to college.

It was a very odd conversation to me. She asked me, "When am I no longer obligated to send Scott to college?" *blink* Um? I had no idea what to tell her. With three kids in my family, I knew by the time I was ten that if I wanted to go to college, I was going to have to find my own way there. That is what my parents told all of the kids. Shannon and I got scholarships, my brother went into the Navy. That's what I told Donna.

She asked me then, since my parents didn't put me through college, if they needed money to help out their retirement years, would I help? P'nuck?! Of course I would. These are my parents. It's not a 'give and take' system for me. They raised me and raised me well. And, they did end up helping me in college - but only after I had my scholarship. Still, that isn't the point. When did caring for family become a barder system? 'You didn't send me to college, so now I'm not going to help you in the retirement years.'

This conversation opened my eyes to some perceptions in the world that I was not aware of. When did parents become morally obligated to send their kids to college? What happened to the kid working to pay for 1/2 or even 1/4 of it? Granted, I know that kids with college educations often make more than those who don't have one - and perhaps, that means that later in life, they may not be able to spare as much cash as they'd like to if their own parents needed help.

Maybe I'm a dying breed. I love my parents. They've done me good. I have a decent work ethic, a good job, a good sense of budgeting and I care for my family - no matter how much they drive me batty.

Has the world grown so callous as to say, "You are a bad parent if you don't send your kids to college and therefore don't deserve their assistant in your golden years if you need it?" The whole conversation with Donna left me feeling very odd and thankful for the parents I have. They aren't perfect but they are the only parents I got and I love them very much.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There are days when I think my parents are the last married couple in America. Married 31 years and still going strong.

Wednesday. I ended up missing my last sign language class due to having to take my car into the shop. Sunday night, as I was driving to Rob & Lisa's, there was a small pop that I felt more than heard, then the sound of metal on asphalt. At 65 mph, this is alarming. But, when I hit my brakes, the sound would go away. Perplexing. Well, the sound kept getting worse and worse. After the last problem with the wheel bearing, I decided to take it in.

I go to a local shop. Gary, the owner, knows Donna really well. After waiting around for half an hour, Gary tells me its my brakes and I need a brake job immediately. (To the tune of $400. OW!) Thank goodness I brought it in. He tells me that it will be 2.5 hours... 6:30pm before it's done. Great. I settle in, expecting to be there the whole time. Then Gary offers me a ride home. How cool is that!

Get home, take a nap... I'm still tired from being ill. Scott takes me to pick up my car about 6:20pm. I decide that it's too late to go to class. (I hate arriving late to anything. It puts me off kilter.) Grab dinner, come home and write. I'm hoping to have '27. A Dinner of Peers: Unravelling the Gordian Knot' done by tonight but don't hold your breath.

Oh yeah, Chris called... my ex-now-married-boyfriend. He wants to come by and pick up some documents on disk. Oh boy. That's going to be uncomfy. Unless he brings by Tristain. Then it will be me cooing over his baby.

Another fun thing that I remembered last night was that Johanna's getting married. Yes, yes. I remembered it, I'm the maid of honor and all that happy stuff. But, I've been thinking it was MARCH 22 and not MAY 22. *whew* Though, all my planning for the party on the 14th is shot. Ah well. No big loss. Certainly explains why Johanna is still so calm.

Watched Buffy, The Vampire Slayer last night. It was a good episode with good Willow and evil Willow. I rather like evil Willow. I like her mannerisms a lot. Though, I have to admit, I disliked the ending. I thought it was a bit trite. Sending her back was fine, but immediately killing her again... *sigh* I would have loved to see her survive to come back another time. I like evil Willow. The actress is so good. She does the evil sociopath so well.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "I think she likes girls." - good Willow, BTVS

Thursday. Wow. What a boring day yesterday was. Nothing much happened except I had a minor tiff with Patrick over the IM over something silly. I think both of us are feeling a bit "open." I'm stressed from being sick. He's stressed over the play he's in and the play he is directing. It's amazing how one small, harmless comment can *smack* another person's hot button. Fortunately, we agreed to disagree and I left IM to work. Then he sent me an email apologizing. It was very sweet of him and unneccessary but very much appreciated.

Had Pizza Hut pizza last night for dinner. Never underestimate the value of comfort foods. A good plain cheese pizza is great for me. I actually finished episode 27, A Dinner of Peers: Unraveling the Gordian Knot for the North Kingdom Campaign. Now, I'm all caught up! Yah! Anything I do between now and Saturday is icing on the cake. Of course, I have no free nights between now and then. Ah well. I think this Campaign is pretty much done and we will be starting the next phase of the game pretty quick.

That's it. Like I said, a boring day.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Rule 6. "Never interrupt a good stretch!"

Friday! Yah! I like Fridays. I think just because of the way it sounds and what it means... a weekend. You know, I wonder how they came up with the seven day week. I mean, why not ten day weeks? Ten is a nice round even number. Where did seven come from? Is it the Christain - God made the world in seven days... Maybe. It's plausible. How did we get the weekend? Who decided that we would work Monday through Friday and then have Saturday and Sunday off? I know that Sunday is the Sabbath - day of worship and rest. Back to that religion thing. OK. So, where did Saturday come from? Why not Sunday and Monday as the weekend? Oh well, a mystery that I will figure out if I ever really get that curious. I'm -sure- someone has it documented.

Anyway - YAH! Friday! The weekend. This weekend, I'm cleaning out my car, going to my North Kingdom Campaign game on Saturday. And, let's see, washing cloths, writing and Chris, my ex-now-married-boyfried is coming to visit with his baby son, Tristian and to pick up some documents on disk. Oh boy. I'm wondering if Denise (the wife who hates me) is going to be joining him. Probably. Chris is bringing his son. Won't that be special.

The odometer in my car reached 123,456 today on the way to work. It's just kinda neat to me when things like that happen. I like numbers. I like patterns. I always have. I was thinking that your car should do something special with interesting numbers pop up on the odometer... numbers like 100,000 or 111,111 or 123,456... Well, you get the picture.

Had the college game last night over at Elysium since Casey is recovering (SLOWLY) from his hernia surgery. He ended up going to bed before the game really started. The game itself was fairly amusing. We actually made progress on the plotline and didn't tangent too much. Unfortunately... *argh* (And I hate when thing happens) After the game, Kevin was moving behind my chair to get past me. I tried scooting my chair in... what I accomplished doing involved the horrible sound of splintering wood - as I (somehow, I'm not sure how) managed to angle the chair wrong to break one of the legs as I scooted in. Very embarassing. I will be offering Casey the money to replace it as soon as I seen him next. *blush* Yes. I know these things do happen but I hate it when they happen to me.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You cannot build castles in the air unless you have your feet firmly planted on the ground.

Saturday. Had my ShadowRun game last night. I just could not get into it. The only thing that was really interesting to me was the file that the GM sent to me in character from an ex-lover of Mist's - a hot corporate file. I'm starting to get really annoyed with one of the players in the game who plays a character, Angel. Granted, the player is only sixteen but still, she hangs out with us enough to know that she should pay attention to the game - especially when things are hinging on her character and she can't remember anything. Her character should have been killed off a couple of times now. *sigh* 16. 16. Gotta remember that she's only 16.

Ran into James online yesterday. He greeted me warmly - a lot more friendly and playful than he has in a long time. It was a nice surprise. Then I looked at his /whois (for those of you who don't know IRC, it's a way of identifying someone). It said, "Lovesick jerk." That was a new one for him, so I asked him about it. We talked and he told me that he had a new girlfriend. Someone he was really serious about. He even put pictures of her, and them together, up on his website. She's very pretty and has good taste in art.

I don't know. It's odd. James is my friend. He is an ex lover. I don't think I can call him an ex boyfriend. He was the one that I wrote "The One Who Got Away" about. We've had a rollercoaster past. (Have I ever had a past with an ex that wasn't rollercoaster?). Friends, lovers, sorta-enemies, friends again. I will always lust for him. The sex was marvelous. He smelled good. He tasted good. He was generous lover.

I cautiously probe the idea of James having someone... a permanent someone who isn't a fling. Someone he says that he "loves" and "is serious" about. Surprisingly, it doesn't hurt. That surprises me more than him telling me that he does have a girlfriend. I cautiously probe some more. Shouldn't I feel something? Yes. I'm feeling very glad that my friend has finally found it within him to open himself up to love another. He admitted that he was scared of relationships. No. No... shouldn't I be sad or something? Well. I suppose I should.... but I don't. I feel... I don't know. Odd. A little hollow. Maybe this is the finally admission that James was never really 'mine' - something finally spoken deep within where you cannot hide from yourself.

All I feel right now is pleasure at his finding someone and a wistful want for me to find someone. I'm not a hopeless romantic, just a hopeful one.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Somedays, you have to make you own paths and your own futures.

Sunday. This just has not been my weekend for gaming. I came away from the North Kingdom Campaign games extremely dissatisfied. At first, it was pretty good. We got every thing together to begin the Onnwall Campaign. Then assassins of Iuz came after us. (As expected.) Then, in the showdown, Britage was resurrected and saved Donnan. I'm so glad. Elea can stop being so dammed angsty now. She's needed to get laid--- um, I mean, comforted, for a while now. Then, we made it to Onnwall and things just went to hell from there. One of my greatest pet peeves is throwing technology into a fantasy game. Also, I'm having problems with some of the characters that are in the group. Neutral, chaotic, good, lawful - they all fit... but now, we have two characters who are evil and frankly, Elea should toss them out on their ears. But, I/she can't do that because it would mess up gameplay. Ah well. It's only a game. I can work it out.

I reread my entry from yesterday. It sounds like I don't have offers for companionship, love or sex. I do. Only, they are all very odd. One - a co-worker offering to have sex with me anytime I want. A married co-worker at that. Another... a man a continent away, swearing that he loves me. He's never met me... never seen me in the flesh... but he loves me and he is going to visit me. That some leap of faith. Coming from another continent to visit a woman he thinks he loves.

Am I just so realistic (pessimistic) that I cannot see the value of this? I've met people from the net. They are nothing what I thought they would be like. People I thought I would love, I hate. And people I really disliked online turned out to be wonderful people with crappy keyboard personalities.

I'm hugely worried that when he comes and visits, I will not meet his fantasy of me. Or, if he likes me still, I can't stand him. Or, worse yet (or better?)... we fall head over heels for each other. What then? He lives a continent away!! That's one hell of an LDR. What if we want to make it permanent? How? Who moves where? I don't want to move away from my work, my friends, my family. They are my life. Everything I love is here, in the SF Bay Area. But, how can I expect him to do the same? How can I even ask it? Do you see the problem I'm having with this?

Chris just came over. There was a little scrambling to hide the journal entry from him. I don't know why. It's not like he cares. He got his documents and then we sat and talked. He didn't bring Tristian with him, but he did bring pictures. A beautiful baby boy. Chris and I talked about our lives. He loves his wife... he really does but the two of them are so different in thought/philosophy from each other.

We skirted around the topic of what if it was him and me with a son. Then we backed way off it. "I don't really play the 'what if' game anymore." Chris said as he took a drink of water in an effort not to look at me anymore. He flirted with me. It was so easy to fall back into that routine with him. When he went to leave, he commented that he was wearing the leather jacket I gave him as a gift a few years ago. We hugged a long time good bye. I really missed him. More than I realized. The whole time we talked, there was this undercurrent - unspoken wistful want, it seemed to me. We spoke of true love... and his view of it. "When you love someone so much that you give them a piece of you - the ultimate sacrifice in love and trust. Then, you -need- to be with them, just to feel complete." (I noticed that he couldn't keep looking me in the eyes as he said it.) There were small rememberances. We only talked for an hour. But, it was like that year that we had not seen each other never happened.

After he left, I played the "What if" game in my mind for a couple of minutes. Just long enough for the lump in my throat to go away.

I seem to be overly emotional today. Maybe it's just PMS.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Leap years come on years evenly divided by 4 - except those years that are also evenly divided by 100 - unless, of course, they are also evenly divided by 1000.