FEBRUARY 2005

Stereotypically Me
Work promises to be very trying over the next couple of weeks. On tap is to finish the full test pass on something that I am currently blocked on. Next up is more automation. On the happy dance side of things, I'm the first person to get 80% of priority one test cases automated on a feature. Granted that feature area is simple and didn't have a lot in the way of automation. Still, it looks nice on the numbers.

I still don't know who my official boss will be at the end of the month. I think I know who it is but, there are no guarantees. Plus, we are going through a cycle of writing and re-writing our mid-year reviews which are supposed to be focused on career growth. I really hate this stuff. I do. It makes me want to break out in hives or go get a nice, safe, dull secretary job somewhere. Microsoft is a tough place to work.

On the writing side of things, I got a very exciting email from one of the editors at Sovereign Press. This isn't my usual editor. He told me that he wants me to work with him on his upcoming project for the Dragonvarld RPG based around Margaret Weis' novels: Mistress of Dragons and The Dragon's Son. He wants to work with me because he's read some of my stuff and really likes my writing style. Believes it will suit the material he wants me to write. He's sending me out at least the first Dragonvarld book.

Plus, if there are any more products for the new Firefly RPG, Serenity, he will keep me in mind for it because he knows I love the series. How's that for cool? I'm terribly excited about all this.

The new Heirs to the Fall game has started and playing Rowen is going to be tough for me. It really is. She sticks out like a sore thumb with her pink tops and blue jeans amidst the swath of broody, angsty Dead in black. It was really quite fun. Plus, reading the romance novel during the game was just rotting my brain. It was really bad. I'm going to have to move to the Anita Blake series or Feehan's Dark series. Something with an actual plot as well as sex. Though, reading out loud to some people was terribly amusing.

The other difficulty was playing someone who was not sharply political. Someone who has business savvy but is used to working alone and not with other vampires. When it comes to kindred politics, she is over her head. So, she's blunt, to the point and doesn't think about her words before she says them. I'm sure I'm going to give Ben's character a heart attack before this is all over. Fun. I have hope for this game.

Leigh-Ann and I went shopping and two surprising things happened. I discovered I've been wearing the wrong size bra for about the last two years. I thought I was a 42D and it turns out I'm a 42DD. Which explains why I could never get that nice lift and separate that other women have. Apparently, I've been flattening my boobs down so they press towards my tummy. Trying on the right size bra was an experience and, suddenly, I have one heck of a rack on me. *grin*

The other surprising thing was finding at really nice black Victorian type top with antiqued lacing. I put it together with a long slender black skirt and suddenly, I had a new outfit to the go to the club in. Lane Bryant is not a store I look at for gothic clothing. It was a very nice unexpected find. So, it looks like I will be dancing and drinking the night away at the Mercury this coming Saturday in it. Sounds like an excellent time to me.

I have finally updated my Dreamlines website an uploaded a couple of dreams. I am now in my ninth year for keeping a dream journal. I suppose after I have hit ten, I'll have to do something about 10 years of dreams.

10 January: Bad, Bad Girl - While visiting my friend Heather, I get into quite the mood and go out of my way to be wicked with the help of my friends Heather and Lori.

4 February: Bug Hunting - I am on my friend bug hunt with my squad but there are some oddities that I simply accept. My friend Ben is there with me, giving me advice on hunting bugs.

Victory Conditions for the week of January 30th - Partial Victory
- Write up at least one more submission for the WW novel contest. [Done]
- Set up a series of workout appointments with Emily. [I called. She hasn't returned my call yet.]
- Submit my application to Goth Royalty. [Done and accepted.]

Victory Conditions for the week of February 6th
- Walk at lunch twice next week.
- Start on the NERO race package: Dark Elf.
- Plot out 2-3 sessions of Threads of Fate.

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Cups, Inverted

Wanting to Drive
I have been in a money spending mood lately. In the past week, I have spent an obscene amount of money on shoes, jewelry and fabric for a gothic Irish dress and under dress that a friend of mine is going to make for me. The shoes were very much needed. The jewelry was a spur of the moment thing on eBay (which will, incidentally, match the gothic Irish dress). The fabric is for an outfit I have been thinking about for a while now and had put it off until I "lose more weight." But, then I decided to live more in the now than for the future. It will be done by Norwescon so I can wear it there and then for clubbing afterwards.

I know I'm going to have to really reign in my spending as of April because of my condo assessment going into affect and that is going to be an extra $500 or so out of my pocket each month. That means I'm going to have to give myself an actual allowance for things like going out to dinner and getting my hair done (shudder), ban myself from eBay (whine) and be good and frugal when it comes to things like Amazon (sigh). I haven't had to do an honest-to-goodness budget for myself in years.

I suppose this will be a good exercise for me to get back into. I really don't know where my money is going these days and that is a bad habit to have. Plus, I need to get back into the habit of investing in my ROTH IRA and such like that.This is the part about being a grown up I don't like. Every once in a while, I get hit with the sudden need to be responsible, careful and generally an adult about things.

Next week is DundraCon and I am really looking forward to it. I already have Hans looking in on the mail, cat and home, so I know I don't have to worry about that. My 7th Sea LARP I'm running with Bill is done and Bill has already stuffed the character packets which makes me really happy because I didn't want to be doing that at the convention like last time. It will be good seeing everyone again, too.

This little vacation of mine has come at the right time. I'm pretty sure that, even with the vacation, I will be able to get my automation work done by the end of the month and this is a good thing. I know I need this vacation because every time I get in the car to drive, I get the urge to hit the freeway and drive for hours, listening to music or an audio book. I seem to have the need for that semi-meditative state. If I could get away with it, I would cancel my plane tickets to DDC and drive down, then back up. But, I know that would leave me exhausted which is not a good way to start a convention.

As a stop-gap measure, I'm thinking of trips to various places that might be a long enough drive to satisfy the need. Maybe a trip to Fry's for a cord. Or, a trip to Torrid in Tacoma. Or, maybe a trip to Portland for Powell's Books. I don't know. Something that would allow me to drive for a while. I've actually pondered driving down to Fry's then up to Chez Renaissance then back to my place, just to have a couple of particular longer destinations to drive to without stopping. Of course, I could be really proactive and, instead of driving, put on my headphones and walk for a couple hours. But, that would require walking in the rain which I'm really not in a mood for.

Valentine's Day (or as Joe calls it: Singles Awareness Day) is almost here. Leigh-Ann and I have decided to ditch the men (hers, since I don't have one) and go have sushi. I think that is an excellent way to spend the evening. I do have a love/hate relationship with the day but, this year, I've decided not to hate it. Just use it for my own purposes.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Cups

DundraCon Report
The short version: I had a blast and I'm really glad I went. Now, it is good to be home.

The long version... Rich picked me up Wednesday night from the airport and we chit-chatted for a couple of hours before he went to work on a paper for school and I crashed for the night. Man, it was good time. I've missed talking with Rich face-to-face. I swear, if I were wealthy instead of so good looking, I really would fly down to the Bay Area once a month to game with him and old gang. Thursday included more talking, Rich dropping me off at the hotel and me utterly vegging in front of the TV for most of the night. The only surreal moment came when I walked over to Target for munchies listening to the Lost Boy soundtrack. Sometimes, the world takes on an odd cast when set to music only I can hear.

Friday was the start of the convention. I crashed into Blinkie's Exalted game because Rich convinced me to give it another chance and promised me I'd have a good time. I did. Mostly because I finally "got" the game, Blinkie had a great plot and Rich, as always, is a blast to play with. Unfortunately, only about half of the other players were worth playing with. The other half were a bunch of pussies. By the end of the game, my scout had been declared leader by Rich's impulsive character and we bullied the others in acting like the Exalted they were. The game ended really late. I crawled into bed around 4:30am and it killed me for the rest of the con.

Saturday morning, I had a bad case of the "They're going to hate it" nerves before A Dance of Fate, the 7th Sea LARP that Bill and I put on. Everyone assured me that it would go fine and, fortunately, it did thanks to our spectacular (ace-in-the-hole if needed) players: Rob, Devon, Wendy, Alex, Lori, David and Matt. Man, casting Lori and David as the "forbidden couple" was great and watching Alex attempt to woo Lori's character was one of my favorite moments of the game.

Saturday night, I was able to crash Rich's Buffy game "Cut Loose" based on "Footloose." It was a take off of the Buffy musical only with dancing instead of singing. (Thank god, Rich didn't want us to sing.) I got to play my favorite character, Maddie, the Slayer. Within the first 2 hours of the game, I had figured out the plot and told everyone else but no one believed me. Such is the life of the Slayer. It was a really good group to RP with.

Sunday, I managed to crash in Cybele's 7th Sea game with Rich and Blinkie (who didn't have to crash - I actually had to crash every game but one this convention). I got to play a hot headed teenaged swordswoman noble who was about to enter into the Musketeers. That was a blast! Especially finally taking the last named bad guy with three consecutive sword slashes, declaring, "This is what you get from the 'inconsequential child!'"

Sunday night, I got into Dreams of Deirdre's Jedi LARP, Forced Lessons. I did have a good time, but, unfortunately, as I have been cast as a bad or evil character in 3-4 of the last LARPs I have been in, everyone looked at me and thought, "Oh, it's Jenn. She's in black. She must be one of the bad guys." Regardless of the fact that I always wear black and they weren't suppose to know I was a bad guy. As it turned out, the only character that did not start off insulting my character or ignoring her was Alex's Imperial character. Everyone else seemed to be too busy or mistrustful of her. It made it very hard for the girl to want to go to the light side. In the end, she was willing to give herself over to the evil Sith presence and was only saved by someone distracting her at the most opportune time. Alex and I talked about how our two characters would, at some point in the future, meet up again and try to convince the other of turning to their particular side of the force.

Monday, while everyone was checking out of the hotel and such, GregE ran an episode of his monthly ShadowRun game and I got to play a recurring character of mine called Chrome Molly, based off of a character of the same name from a Gibson story. She's an interesting character to play that Greg gave me to run on year and I do enjoy playing her with the old group.

In general, I had a great time but, surprisingly, I didn't do the debauchery and drinking I thought I would. In fact, I had only one drink the entire weekend, Sunday night after the Jedi LARP, while I was hanging out with the DoD crowd and Team Volare. Most of the weekend, I was beat and I think it was because that first night just killed me and I kept going and going without a nap. One of these days, I'm going to remember to follow my own Convention rules.

The next Bay Area convention I make it to will be Avalon/Conquest (or whatever the heck they finally name it) in early September and it will be an interesting one. For, I shall be the Tiki for Team Volare in order to earn my Team Volare name and membership. What this actually means for those who do not already know is far to complicated to explain. Suffice it to say, it won't be my usual convention experience and, masochist that I am, I am actually looking forward to it.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Cups, Inverted

Post Convention Blues
The week after any long convention, I almost always suffer from the post-con blues. As Bill puts it, "I guess it is hard to go back to reality after all that fun." I don't know if that is the reason for my post-con blues or not but I do know that ever since I moved to Seattle, my post-con blues have become a lot stronger and a lot more rollercoaster emotionally. I guess it is because I really miss certain people that I no longer get to see on a daily or weekly basis.

Whatever the reason, this episode of post-con blues is hitting me really hard. Perhaps it is because I'm coming off my cycle or because of the full moon or all of the above but I have been bouncing from the edge of tears to the edge of mania since I got back. It's like suffering from a speedy version of being bi-polar. I'm trying to sit on my emotions and keep them from flying off the handle but I'm not always so successful. So, it looks like I'm going to have to write out some of my thoughts to get them out of my system.

That all said... there is one good thing I can point out. Monte asked me about the current state of my heart and, for once, I'm not lusting after anyone, pining after anyone or hurting because of anyone. Wow! My heart isn't in pain for once and I almost missed it. Heh. Good thing I have good friends who point such things out to me.

Recently, I was pondering a couple of friends I got to see at DDC but didn't get to spend a lot of time with. I shared a room with Bill and that was a blast. However, we didn't really spend a lot of downtime with each other. A couple of meals, a little bit Sunday night after the Jedi LARP but, all in all, we really didn't see each other. But, he really made the convention for me. He was always happy to see me and asked how I was. He checked up on me a couple of times and generally was a good guy. I'm left with happy feelings but few memories. An odd thing for me, I guess.

I also got to see Johanna for a little bit and that was cool. We have had a long, if sometimes tempestuous, friendship spanning more than a decade now. When I saw her at this convention for the first time, she was in a black corset and long black skirt. She looked spectacular as usual and I noticed it. Sunday night, while she and I talked about perfumed oils, gaming and the like, I realized something astonishing to me. I wasn't jealous of her anymore. I didn't hate her for her beauty and charm anymore. I simply enjoyed it and enjoyed being with her. It was a startling revelation for me. I don't know if this means I'm growing up or becoming more at peace with myself or what. But, I really liked it. It made my visit with her that much more fun.

Finally, I got to see EricL. He and I have had a weird friendship. We're friends but we have had some spectacular fights. I remember one fight he and I had ended with him hyperventilating and me punching a hole in my bedroom wall. Another one caused me to tell him that I wasn't going to argue a rules call with him anymore because I had 6 other players in the room. This made him gather up his stuff and leave the game for good. We haven't fought in a long, long time. Last year's DDC was a return to us being friends again when I joined one of his games. Since then, things seem to have been calm and friendly between us. Not just polite. This year, I asked about the dice cards we used to use for the FLAGS LARPs we used to play. He made me a set to bring back up for the Heirs 2.0 game. He didn't have to but he did. I think we've even gotten over the wariness we used to have around each other. It was good to see him even if we didn't have a whole lot of time to talk.

I recently had an email thread going with Bill because I've been fighting off the green-eyed monster of jealousy and losing. First, I have to say that I love running convention LARPs with Bill. I think he and I make a mighty fine team together. Our LARP, A Dance of Fate, was a rousing success and that made me very happy. We both put so much work into it and we saw that it was noticed and appreciated.

However, I am starting to feel extremely jealous and frustrated at the number of people who keep complimenting Bill on "his LARP" instead of complimenting Endless Adventures on "our" LARP. Between that and the act of god it seems to need to get me put on LARP GM Consortium email list, I am starting to feel very unwanted, useless, stupid and ignored. It makes me wonder why I put so much time and effort into the LARP in the first place and why I should do it again.

Granted, Bill has done everything he can do to get people to recognize that he is no longer a one man show and I know it is it going to take time for people to get to know us as Endless Adventures. But, in the meantime, I'm getting my emotional toes stomped all over by people in cleats. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Oh, yeah. Here's one for the psych books. I was talking to a friend online yesterday and in the middle of the conversation he said, "I've always known you were beautiful." I burst into tears. Partly because this is a close friend I have missed a lot since I moved to Seattle, partly because he doesn't give fluff compliments and partly because it was so utterly unexpected that I really didn't know how to deal with it. Thank goodness for being able to close my office door.

At this point, I'm still not quite sure why I was (am) so unable to deal with such a compliment. Maybe because I have a hard time seeing myself as "beautiful" sometimes. Maybe because I wasn't fishing for the compliment. Maybe because of whom it was from. I don't know. I'm still trying to think through it without much success.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords