February 01 - 07
February 15 - 21
February 22 - 28
| February 1
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| February 2 Groundhog Day My writing goes in cycles. At first, I thought it was submit lots, then write lots, repeat. Well, I have barely written in the last couple of months but, now, I'm getting more hits back from my November submission-fest, suddenly, my muse and enthusiasm for writing is back. Figures, I just bought a couple of books I really want to read but I can't seem to write and read at the same time. I can do one or the other. I think, it's a time issue. However, since I got two positives (Silk Stockings and Dark Epiphany) in the last week, my attention has turned back to my writing projects. Plus, I had the good fortune to garner the attention of a man, Dave, in the business by virtue of having such an intriguing online presence. Heh. Joking. I'm a geek and he noticed. We started talking and we've had some really interesting conversations recently. In 2-3 years, I want to be doing what he's doing. In the meantime, in between the interesting discourse, I'm pumping him for publishing and writing information. He's recommended me to query his work place as another venue to write reviews for. I will be doing that this week. I just have to figure which previously published articles to send as samples. It reminds me to update my writer websites. I've had a couple of positives for the Eden site as well as a couple of newly published articles and a positive for the Jennifer site. Now that I'm finally getting my act together, I'm keeping a lot better track of what has gone out, what has been responded to with what response and what I'm still waiting for. The last thing I really need to do is get off my butt and set up my hard copy submission process. It's the one major psychological barrier that is keeping from submitting to some of the bigger venues like Realms of Fantasy and Asimov's. Dave and I had a good chat about writer rituals. I don't have elaborate ones but I do have them. When I'm really getting into the groove of writing, I want no outside distractions. Silence is my best companion when I am in the zone. No TV. No music. No IM. No email. Just me and the characters in my head. I haven't had a lot of "silent time" lately. I'm far too distracted. I need to get myself to start focusing me and to realize that my friends won't abandon me if I'm not online as much. It's a silly fear but one that is there nonetheless. I suppose it comes from settling into WA and wanting to keep up with friends in CA. I ran my Buffy game this weekend. It is going surprisingly well. It is only the fourth game but I had all of my players and the personalities are starting to mix and match well. All I'm really missing is the witch of the group and I have a player in mind for that. I'm learning with the Buffy system, if people know the genre, the game practically runs itself. I have events here and there. I have NPCs in the background doing their own things. I let the college kids decide what they want to do - the mall, patrolling, school, work, etc... Then, I take that and map it into one of the plots going on. Not in a big way. Some subtle ways. For one, his brand gets hot. For another, she sees the "creepy monk guy" walk by. For another, a dying NPC hints at her past. This week, I introduced a major NPC who has a "guest starring" role for a while that is going to link things into one of the major arcs. I managed the introduction to meld seamlessly into an activity the kids chose to do. Of course, they have surprised me a couple of times already and I had to reveal a bit more about one NPC than I wanted to, but it was for a good cause. I've ended week two of my diet and exercise program with one major lapse on Friday night. Things are still hard but livable. I wish I didn't have to do so much thinking about food. I have to plan meals and pre-prepare them. I have to constantly think about what I've eaten and what I need to make sure to eat in the future to be "chemically balanced." I know all of this stuff is good for me and I am rarely hungry. I know this is supposed to teach me how to plan, how to cook and how to eat. But, right now, it is a whole lot of work that I really don't want to do. Though, I do it because I agreed to it when I started the program. I like the exercising for the most part. I'm up to 20 minutes on the elliptical on a regular basis now. That's a really good thing. Kolu is consistently thinking up new torments for me when it comes to abdominal and back exercises. I have discovered that I have a hard time being on my knees for the back exercises. I'm hoping that my knee pain will lessen as the weight does. There is one thing I really am beginning to dislike about my exercise sessions: the videos. The videos themselves aren't bad. They are imparting some really good information. However, they are driving me to distraction with the amount of food they are constantly showing. For example, this last one was all about how to survive celebrations. How to avoid having cake and pointing out how your mind remembers just how good cake tasted and how good the sugar made you feel for the short time before the sugar crash. The whole time they are going on about it, they are showing the viewer a wonderful looking birthday cake and people enjoying that cake and the "you" person bravely fending off the host's offerings of the cake. The whole time I watched the video, I salivated, sourly thinking, "Yeah, my mind remembers exactly how much I like cake. Thanks for making me watch a ten minute video showing me one while telling me why I should not eating it." Though, on the (still) surreal to me side of things, I'm still being chastised by my dietician for not making my calorie count and not eating enough fat. I have to work on that.
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| February 7 My Cat is Possessed I think my cat is possessed by aliens. But, only sometimes and only if I'm in the downstairs bathroom, using it. Yes, yes. I know that is rather specific, but it is true! I swear it. Most days, she'll just come in, sit on the edge of the tub and bat at me through the sheer shower curtain. It's a weird game we play. I'm not quite sure how it evolved but it did and it is now a regular pastime while I'm 'passing time' so to speak. But, then, there are the other times. When she is possessed. At those times, she will either sit and stare at me, unblinking, not moving. Not breathing. Definitely not acting like the cat I know. More often than not, she will stalk me. Moving in super slow motion and freezing when I look directly at her. It's like a wildlife photographer trying to get closer to the quarry for a better look or a better picture. This is the only time she does this. So, there is something about the conjunction of the downstairs bathroom, me using it and the cat has not walked into the bathroom with me that cues the aliens for possession. Why any alien would want to possess my cat, just what me use the bathroom is beyond me. I have a new mantra for working out. I stole it directly from Dune, the Mentat creed: It is by my will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of sapho that the thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stain, the stain becomes a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. The workout mantra has become: It is by my will alone I set my body in motion. It is by the strength of muscle that the body begins to move, the skin begins to sweat, the sweat becomes a reward. It is by my will alone I set my body in motion. I don't know why, but it has become very important to me that I realize, acknowledge and have others recognize that I am doing the 20/20 program by my choice and my choice alone. I'm wondering is this is a way of making me feel like I have a measure of control in a situation in which I feel out of control and helpless. Anyone who has dieted knows the feeling I'm speaking of. Work has been really frantic lately. I mean, truly insane. Both Lori and I have been working our butts off. We each have been given some big projects on top of our regular testing. Friday, I pretty much snapped. Person after person came to talk to Lori. The talking never stopped. Even when the door was closed, she was either on the phone or someone knocked and came in. Normally, neither of these things bother me. If I'm busy, I tune it out. Friday, I was having a really hard time of it. Towards the end of the day, whenever someone knocked, after Lori put up a "Don't bother me" note on the door, I was shouting "WHAT?!" in a very annoyed manner. One of our co-workers, Madhuri, a very gentle lady tried to come see us a couple of time and both times, we brushed her off, nicely, but we were very much into the work. The last time she came by, Lori had walked out to do something else and I told her, "I'm sorry, but if the house isn't on fire, I don't think either of us can talk with you." She stepped into the office and very quietly said, "I just wanted to share the good new with you... I'm expecting." I was floored. I felt so bad at brushing her off earlier in the day. I gave her a hug and enthusiastically congratulated her. I'm gonna have to go get her flowers or something. Just, you know, to be nice. She asked me not to tell Lori so she could tell her. So, when Lori came back in, I told her, "You need to go see Madhuri." Lori left annoyed and came back looking sheepish - like I felt. Talk about an "oops" kind of day. I finally had it with Ross as a mortgage agent. Too many promises and not enough follow through. I fired him on the 3rd after he told me things would get better but that wouldn't help me now and suggested I go elsewhere. THEN, he had the nerve to email and call me, asking me to reconsider. Obviously, my answer is "No!" I've picked up a new guy, Zach. Someone that Lori recommended to me. This new guy is really good! He already has everything set and sent it out to the lender yesterday at a smaller rate than what Ross was getting me. I will have my papers to sign and send back by Monday. I'm really happy! Plus, he was telling me they could pay of my car and the credit card for me so I don't have to do that paperwork. I may get my happy ending after all.
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| February 19 Lots and Lots Wow. It looks like I took an unintentional holiday from Abstract Thoughts. First, there was no time. Then, there was DundraCon. Then, there was no time again. I've been doing a bit of thinking and a whole lot of organizing my thinking. I have some big things to face inside of me and some tough questions to ask that I'm not gonna like asking. Deconstruction is what I'm calling it. Grabbing aspects of myself and my life that I am not entirely satisfied with and ripping them apart to see what is making them tick the way they do for good or bad and to try and shift the bad to something better and keep the good on track. I've already started it a little bit. Mostly getting it in my head what needs to be examined and what doesn't. We'll see what happens from there. Friday, Arriving, DundraCon. The trip to CA wasn't bad. It was just really long. Lots of lines to wait in for the shuttle, for checking my bag, for security, for the plane, for getting off the plane, for the shuttle, for the rental car and for getting to Monte's work to visit him. One really interesting thing for me was having an epiphany of sorts. As my co-worker and I left the plane, he looked over at the other off ramp and said, "Oh, neat. My dad would approve of that. He designs those." My thought was, "Huh. That's right. Someone had to design that.... Just like someone had to stop and think and design everything man made." Perhaps, this is simplistic but that thought never occurred to me before. I continue to think about this all the way to Monte's office, talking to myself, "Someone had to actually stop and think about designing the stop sign... the reflective paint... the shape. All things had a designer." I don't know. It was just really neat to me. Plus, lunch with Monte is always a treat. DundraCon itself was a breeze. No lines for me. Got my room. Got my badge. Got unpacked and started seeing old friends immediately. There was definitely a feeling of belonging that I had been missing. It does make me wonder when I'm going to start feeling like that here. Friday night was Rich's Buffy game. I got to play the Slayer. It was a great game. Long without feeling long. 8pm to 4am. Thank goodness I had a couple hours of sleep when I got to the hotel or I would have been up for 24 hours straight. Saturday, DundraCon. Saturday morning, I didn't get into any games. It was kind of annoying but I was fine. I went and visited the Dealer's rooms (pathetic) before wandering up see Rich, Cil, Greg, and Jenn. Kevin dropped by later. It was lunchtime, and Rich wanted to go through the dealer's room. I ended up buying him a brass skull mace because it was just SO him and the dealer dropped the price for me while Rich and I were discussing it. He told me later that he tried it out on some dangerous furniture. Then, Greg ran a bit of an Exalted game in the open gaming room. It was a fun game. Though, I don't really know the system. Saturday night was the7th Sea Book of Blood LARP that I helped Bill run. It was based on a game we ran for each other some time ago when we were bored at work. Lots of fun. Gorgeous costumes. I think only 3 or 4 people had no costume at all. The rest looked fabulous. I got lots of pictures that will be posted soon. The LARP was a great success, if a bit shorter than expected. Who knew the main bad guy would bolt once his plan failed. Still, a good time was had by all and the little party in Team Volare!'s room afterwards was great. We were all punch drunk and exhausted. Plus, having Rob on his knees bowing to me is a sight I will never forget. Sunday, DundraCon. Sunday morning, I had the good fortune to run into the 7th Sea GM, Cybelle, of the game I wanted in but didn't get into. She put me first on the waitlist cause we like each other and had a good time last year. Plus, I saw her first. She lived up to her stellar reputation again. I got to set the bad guy on fire. It was a great way to end the game. By the end of that, it was definitely dinner time (with Alex, Cybelle, Whit, and some guy). Unfortunately, dinner wasn't too satisfying and I was cold. So, I booked it back to the hotel to the Super Heroes game I promised to join with Rich and Ken, run by Eric. It looks like all lingering whatever has finally dissipated between Eric and I. This is a good thing. Let's just say that Eric and I have had a tempestuous past at best. It was a good game and I learned the new (to me) system pretty quick. The only stumbling block was Alex finding me and telling me that Lori of Dreams of Deirdre had held a character for me for their LARP. I had to decline due to puppy dog eyes and exhaustion, but sent back my thanks. Monday, DundraCon, leaving. I slept in a little bit. Not too much. More than I had the rest of the convention, that's for sure. I was going to meet up with just Alex, Cybelle and Whit for breakfast. But, we ran into Lori, David, Bill, Wendy, and a couple of other people I can't remember the name of. After our table was set up, Dave, Rob, Ginger and Devon showed up and joined us. Suddenly, we were in a lunch feast and a merry feast it was. Afterwards, I met up with Rich, Cil and their rat Morpheus. We headed to open gaming so Rich could run a mini Deliria game. Wow, what a fun game and easy to understand. I will be getting it along with the new release of KULT next time I can spend money. It was easy enough that I am pondering running it after Buffy. I enjoyed the fairytale like way the world worked. From there, I met up with Yony for an early dinner and a couple hours of talking. It was good to see him and catch up. I do miss being around him. Over All. This was the busiest convention I have had in a very long time. There were so many people to see, talk to and game with. I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with anyone. But, what I did get to spend was really good. I miss these people a lot. Fortunately for me, some are making noises about coming to visit sometime soon. This past weekend gave me a lot to think about. More that I had expected. In particular, the idea of the comfort of familiar people. It has let me understand some things about myself. But, I'm still processing, so that's a post for another day. Also, work has been so insane since I got back I barely have time to think. I've been trying to write this post up since Tuesday and we've all seen how well that's gone. On the good side of things, I'm learning some interesting things at work and I'm not bored. On the bad side, I'm going to be running like this for the rest of the month.
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| February 21 Comfort of the Familiar Recently, I've been thinking about how I deal with people and the events people hold. Before I went down to Dundracon, there was a bowling morale event for work. I like bowling but I didn't want to go. I cited that I had work to do, that I would rather not bowl and that I "just didn't feel like it." In the end, I did go and I had a really good time. But, getting there was a huge mental struggle. At Dundracon, with people I've been friends with for many years, there was no mental struggle to run-go-do. Go to lunch? No problem. Join a Super Hero game even though I don't know the system but I know the GM and a couple of players? No problem. Run around, be silly and stay up insane hours? No problem. However, as soon as I returned to Washington, as much as it was a relief to return home (in the true sense of the word), I immediately began to see the same struggle within on going to events. I forgot a party. I've been wishy-washy on the Despacho. I'm in a Heavy Gear game that I was already pondering ditching until I remembered it was supposed to be at my house. Why? I don't know. I like parties. I like the Despacho. I love gaming. I've been thinking about this a whole lot. Right now, I've come to the conclusion that it has to do with how comfortable I feel with the people attending. I like everyone going to these things but, right now, it's all on the surface. I don't have the comfort of really knowing people. Not like the people in CA. Knowing that Rich is a serious carnivore, has a certain opinion on dealing with fear or is one of the best GMs I know. Or knowing that Monte, while misanthropic, is an incredibly sensitive man who writes some of the best scene set ups I've ever read and loves sushi. Or knowing that Thea, while being occasionally prickly has a real soft side to her, strives to improve herself and is awesome at stage make up. This list can go on. It would just show how much I know and feel about them and how much I don't know about most of the people I have met up here. When I see my CA friends, I -know- them. I am comfortable in their presence. Most of the social guards that I put up are unnecessary. Most of their social guards are down, too. There is more of an exchange (of something intangible that I cannot describe) instead of just the sharing of space. Now, I'm here in Washington, doing my best to make it a real home. I have a couple of friends from CA hear already and more are moving up. I notice, every time I see someone from CA, there is a ... familiar, comfortable presence that I can sink into. But, I know I cannot last on just that. I don't want to smother them with my need for closeness and I'm sure they don't want that either. I guess, my next steps are to figure out how to get over my shyness/reluctance to go out to social events and how to make new friends all over again. I did it not to far in the past when I joined the Palo Alto group. I can do it again.
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| February 28 The Zone Thursday turned out to be a pretty good day. I totally kicked major ass in my workout. First, Kolu introduced me to my new nemesis. I guess I was getting too comfy on the elliptical since I have been doing 30-40 minutes on a regular basis on it. The new enemy is called the Climbing System. It is a rotating staircase to hell. It just keeps going and going. That thing just sucked. I managed 5 minutes bouncing between level 1 and level 2. Apparently that's pretty good for people trying it out for the first time. After the Climbing System, the elliptical was a piece of cake. I settled in for the long haul. I always push myself on Thursdays, so I was not going to wimp out on the 'easier' machine. Somewhere about 20 to 25 minutes, I hit my stride. It was so awesome. I could feel my body move. Every muscle working as it should. I got the runner's high while I was on the machine. It almost felt like I was running. Suddenly, I remembered what it was like to run in college. To do that mile and a half in 12 minutes. I just felt so good. I was in the Zone. The weight workout part was the same way. I hit every machine with vigor and grunted my way through the end of each set. My workouts usually go good but today I was just on top of it all. I like it when it goes like that. I was feeling good for the rest of the afternoon. I had my mid-year review today. It went surprisingly well. I thought it was really going to suck. But, there were no surprises and I was able to argue, erm, discuss a couple of points up from where my boss had set them. That felt good. Here are the highlights in a nutshell:
Pros
Cons I was surprised on Con #2. I had not realized that I was supposed to be working so much more systemically with my strategy and ideas. I have to have a much more well rounded, end to end approach to my thinking. So, I'm going to have to change gears on some of my thoughts. However, over all, it was a good review. I'm pretty clear on where I need to go to get a good review in August. On the social side of things, I've been a bit more social. Visiting with Robert and Hans. It's been really nice seeing Robert. I've enjoyed his company as well as with Hans. We are falling into a familiar pattern that usually leaves me picked on in a good way. Last night, I went to Despacho at Runnerwolf's place. This time, I really got it. This time, I was really apart of it all. It was a comfortable sized group. Not too many to make me feel intimidated. I only put two prayers into the Despacho but they were big ones. I have to say, sometimes, I wish I could hear the voices in other people's heads. After the Despacho, a new friend, Dawn, and I headed out for a late night snack and talking. That was an unexpected and welcome treat. Today, I hosted the Heavy Gear game at my place. We had a really good time and the GM isn't quite used to some of the stuff I do like roll extremely well or take the less obvious but far more productive action like rushing the gunman to grapple for the gun instead of having a long drawn out, potentially legal gun battle. I am playing a Lucy Liu character after all. It looks like I'm going to run one of my 7th Sea convention games for the group and a filler before we embark on a swashbuckling D&D adventure. Actually, my cunning plan is to get them so interested in 7th Sea, the next campaign is a swashbuckling 7th Sea adventure.
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Continue on to: MARCH 2004
(Created by JLB)