February 2002

Naked, At Last.

"Naked, at last. Naked, at last. Thank God Almighty, I'm naked, at last." (Apologies to MLK)

*heh* Guess what I've been doing. Yep-yep, reveling and revealing in my new apartment. It's been very cool to get out of bed, strip and walk into the bathroom without having to sneak. And to get out the shower, go to my vanity area and put on lotion without wondering if the boy was going to walk in. Slowly, but surely, I'm making that apartment *mine*.

Of course, I must have been frickin' -insane- to believe that I would be moved and unpacked in one weekend. (Mom: "No, dear. Not insane. Just inexperienced.") We moved all of my stuff from the house to the apartment from 1-6:30pm. We being: Johanna, Casey, Laurel, DJ and me. Then, calling it an ending and leaving everything to be built another day, I took us all out to dinner. Us being: Laurel, Casey, Mary and I with rain checks to DJ/Christina and Johanna/Alex.

Saturday, I spent time sorta going through boxes and managed my first load of laundry (YAY). Then, I started slowly putting things where I wanted them. However, there wasn't much I could do by myself considering how sore I was and I had to leave for the CAST game fairly early anyway.

Sunday, Casey was sick with the flu, so I figured "Oh, I'll just do a couple of things. What could it hurt?" So, after I begged DJ to come over and put my bed together before leaving for work (which he did it short order), I decide that I -was- going to get stuff in my bedroom done. I managed the chest of drawers fairly well, then, I measured the (spider-free) treadmill's width and discovered that it would fit in my bedroom. Whoo! However, getting it in there was going to take a bit of muscle.

Setting the scene: 1 treadmill. About 450 pounds. No furniture dolly. 30 feet carpet to the bedroom. Most of it through a four foot wide hallway.

As you well can imagine, this was not an easy task. It took me about 45 minutes to do it because I wasn't going to give up, dammit! Especially after I got stuck between the treadmill and the wall for a bit due to failing muscle strength. That was a trip. But, in the end, all was well and put into place. Pretty much, beyond the general cleaning and putting things away or on walls, the bedroom is done.

Also, amazingly enough, I managed to get my phone, my cable modem and my cable TV all hooked up at one time, all this morning. All before 12 noon, too! I even got my "How is everything" form turned in and got a work order for everything that is wrong. They will be looking into the following:

- The dishwasher overflow is broken. IE: Water squirts everywhere when the dishwasher drains. Not good. Makes the dishwasher unusable.
- The calking is peeling in the shower.
- The cabinets beneath my bathroom sink and vanity sink are wet. I want to know why.
- One cabinet frame is busted.
- The kitchen light fixture is crooked
- The screen on the den likes to pop off.

It seems like a lot, but beyond the dishwasher, it's all just little stuff.

The strangest thing I have encountered so far is... get this... it's too quiet. Yes, occasionally, I can hear my neighbors but that's no big deal. The problem comes from being used to living on a main street and being used to hearing the cars driving by, honking horns, squealing tires... etc. I don't get any of that anymore. My apartment faces a high school field. So, it's really quiet. I find myself turning on the radio so I have noise in the house.

Maybe I do need that talkative Siamese that Johanna keeps mentioning to me. *grin*

Casey made it over today. I can't wait to see the desk and bookcases up. A co-worker has offered me his couch, but he won't get his new one until March. Another co-worker has a free sofa and loveseat that I might get, provided the people looking at it today don't take it. Free furniture is good. Later this week, I'm going to go looking for a kitchen table set and my new bed mattress.

Much to my pleasure, I did lose weight this last week, despite the stress of moving from my old place to my new place. I'm down to 281 again. A good thing for me. However, it does mean I missed my Feb 1 mini-goal of losing 5 pounds a month in 2002. I'm not too particularly worried. The year has just started and things have been a lot wonky. Not too much to say, really. Much too concerned with the whole moving, unpacking and decorating issues.

One of the more amusing little side effects to having my new place is a minor obsession with sex. Not only do I want to be able to run around naked, I want to 'christen' various rooms in my house. This has manifested itself in several recent dreams about friends of mine. Serious pillow biters, too. *whew* However, both guys I've been dreaming of lately are rather attached. So, I'm fairly certain that said Significant Others would be none too pleased at my nocturnal fantasies. (Well, one might be OK with it. I'm just too shy to approach them openly on it - for the moment.)

Still, the urge is moderately strong to approach either of them for some nookie on the sly. I'm not sure, though, if I could actually do that - suggest an affair to someone who is attached to someone else. Granted, many of my friends and SOs are pretty darned liberal these days and most guys I know wouldn't want to turn down the offere of "no strings" sex. Then again, most of the guys I know are of the honorable sort and either wouldn't without permission or wouldn't, period.

This is a new thing for me. This sudden, inexplicable desire to be bad; to become the hidden other woman. The desire to 'sneak' around, meet covertly, to have an /affair/ while keeping it from our friends. For some reason, this idea is dammed appealing to me and I am utterly perplexed as to why.

Life can truly be ironically cruel... Or is that cruelly ironic? In any case, not two hours after I wrote the above, I got an email from one of the two guys, asking me for information on polyamory. I can't figure out which is more ironic: the fact that he asked about polyamory from me without any hints as to whether or not he was interested in me or the fact that I didn't have the guts to speak up about my interest in him. *sigh*

FEBRUARY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Morphism by the absolutely creative and talented M'ris. Marissa is a local gal whom I have not yet had the pleasure to meet with face to face, but I admire (and occasionally envy) her nontheless. She is a published author who is living her dream and I'm betting is on the edge of stardom. She and I have had some very interesting talks on writing, professionalism and religion.

Tarot Card for the Day: Eight of Cups, Inverted

Paradoxical

Paradoxically, I feel like I have more room in my 2 bedroom apartment than I did in the 5 bedroom house I was living in. I remember walking down the hall to the living room and thinking, "Gosh, this is a big place." The thought seemed kind of strange to me, then I realized two things. First, there is no furniture in the living room. That gives me a big, wide, open space that I'm not used to. Second, I'm NOT stuck in just two rooms - the bedroom and the den.

Wow. I never realized just how cramped I was until I had the freedom to expand and to not be limited by what the room mates -might- do. It's a great feeling. Really. I guess Donna was right. She told me that she figured once I had my own place, I wouldn't want to go back to having room mates at all.

Also, the quietness of the place really is getting to me. I'm just not used to it. I have to put on the TV or the radio as soon as I get home so I have some noise with me. I figure, after a while, I'll get used to the quiet and revel in it. Until then, I'll stick to the ambient electronic noise.

Though, I don't think I'll ever get used to sleeping without the fan. Last night, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering why my thoughts seemed so loud. It took me about 5 minutes to realize that I hadn't turned on the fan. I have this little, clunky, on-its-last-legs, fan that is just loud enough to lull me to sleep. I'm going to be an unhappy camper when that thing bites the dust.

I am FLAMING pissed right now. It seems that suddenly, AT&T has decided to change my email address for me and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. "skitten@attbi.com" doesn't exist anymore. Only "jenniferbrozek@attbi.com" which is the primary email address for me, and no, I cannot change it. This change took affect yesterday. Only, no one told me that this was happening. All I got was a message: "Email server has responded. This account is inactive. Please enter your password."

That was it.

When I called them today, I got informed that "skitten@attbi.com" wasn't even on my account, it didn't exist and that if I wanted "skitten@attbi.com" as an email address I would have to add it through the "Membership Services" website - which, BTW, cannot be accessed at this time because it cannot find the server, but, all important information from AT&T would be sent to the "jenniferbrozek" email address which cannot and will not be changed as the primary email account. So sorry.

No, he couldn't explain why "skitten@attbi.com" had been working for the last 2-3 months. No, he couldn't explain why I had not heard anything about this until now. No, he couldn't and wouldn't do anything about it. Gosh, gee. I'm sorry, but this is the way it's going to be. Like it or lump it. Now, I'm stuck with an email address I don't want with a stupid password that I don't like and isn't secure and no way to change it because the Membership Services page - that administers all of that stuff - is down.

Not to be thwarted (she thought futilely), I logged into the chat session and vented at them (In-Molly) about the situation and found out that this happens in ALL transfers. The old account is suspended and since "skitten" was no longer available, they just assigned me a new ID without bothering to tell me. They changed my password for me and asked me to try logging into the services page in 30 minutes. Maybe I can salvage "skitten" then.

...

30 minutes later... password still isn't working. Logged into the chat again. This time, it was with In-Kelly. I got my account number and created a brand new login for the web which, surprisingly, worked the first time out. However, the "Member Services" page is still down.

...

And the saga continues (because I forgot to upload my journal entry yesterday).

So, I still can't get into the Member Services page the next day. By this time, I'm really annoyed. So, back into the chat I go. This time, I get Marcus G. Marcus is a nice guy and he mentions to me that you have to be at your cable modem site to access the page. Huh? "Is this written anywhere on the website?" I ask. "No. We just kind of assume that that is where you be if you are wanting to deal with your account."

OK. That right there sums up what is wrong with this picture.

AT&T constantly assuming things like: You know that you are going to loose your account name and email address when you transfer from one location to another. Assuming that I want my full first and last name as my account name and email address. Assuming that we are going to access their services while at home, on the cable modem.

Marcus was losing points all over the place. Then, he saved himself by offering to add "skitten" to my account for me. Unfortunately, Marcus then stopped talking to me for about 20 minutes and didn't respond to any of my pings. So, I finally cut off that chat and tried again.

This time, it was Mark P. I told Mark what was going on and this is what he had to say on the issue. Mark P says, "Unfortunately at this time when a login is deleted when an account is closed it can't be released. This may change in the future." Yay. It's a database issue.

Basically, there is nothing anyone can do for me. Personally, this sucks massively.

Because I must think of these things sometimes or start slamming my head into a wall...

Good things:
- I put on a pair of pants this week, thinking they were my normal jeans and I was shocked/appalled to discover them to be a little snug when they had been very loose. However, when I looked at the tag, I discovered that they were a size 18-20, instead of the 22-24 I usually wear. *happy dance*

- Did you know you can do your "Change of Address" right online? I was looking for "Change of Address" forms to fill out and drop off at the local post office and discovered how to do it online. Saved me a trip.

Bad things:
- That free sofa and loveseat were taken yesterday. *pout* No free furniture for Jenn. (However, on the plus side, it means I don't have to get up at 8:30am Sunday, after coming in at 3 am.)

FEBRUARY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Morphism by the absolutely creative and talented M'ris. Marissa is a local gal whom I have not yet had the pleasure to meet with face to face, but I admire (and occasionally envy) her nontheless. She is a published author who is living her dream and I'm betting is on the edge of stardom. She and I have had some very interesting talks on writing, professionalism and religion.

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Cups, Inverted

Goal #4 Completed!

Friday night was an exciting night of dinner with GregE at El Patio followed by him watching me sort through 6 boxes, 2 hampers and 1 basket of clothing while we discussed his game for DDC. His game sounds pretty cool. Too bad that it is scheduled for 8am on Monday.

It occurs to me that I should be seriously panicking about "Big Dragons in Little China" but I'm not. I'm not sure why not. I did pick up a nice prize for the best roleplayer (as chosen by the other players) of the game.

Saturday was a lovely day of sleeping in, doing laundry and going to Bob's AD&D game. The game was fun and thank goodness we got rid of The One Ring. Yes, -that- ring. At this point, I think Bob tossed that in there because it amused him to watch us pale and to distract us from the real plotline which is a doozy. It had Alex and I nattering over the pieces and clues that we knew all the way home.

Sunday, I met up with GregE and David again, after getting my problem with my mailbox fixed. (Problem being, they didn't give me the mailbox # and I was guessing logically as to what it was. Logic failed.) We headed out to lunch at a Café that served bigger-than-your-head omelets that were just yummy. After that, we ran over to "Hoot" Jenkins furniture store and found me a decent dinette set on sale. I won't see it for 2 weeks but that saved me 50% on it. Works for me. Then, we went on a fruitless search for DVD/CD racks throughout Frys. I'm never going to get the DVD/CD racks I want.

We rounded out the day by going to go see "Brotherhood of the Wolf." Oh, my gosh! What an excellent movie! I was told that it was like watching a 7th Seas game in action and it was. The fight scenes were beautiful. The characters were awesome. I particularly enjoyed the Vatican spy. I would love to go see this movie again in the theatre. Also, truthfully, I never even noticed the subtitles. By the end of the movie, I was 'hearing' it in English.

6 loads of laundry done. At least 6 more to go.

Whoo-hoo! I finally reached Goal #4. It's about darned time. I've been hovering around that goal for about 6 weeks now. So, I'm pretty happy about that. Of course, the convention is this weekend. I don't want to blow my victory out of the water. I'm going to try to stick close to the diet as I can but I'm not going to beat myself up for breaking the rules.

It shouldn't be -that- hard. I've already arranged a refrigerator for my room. I'll take boiled eggs, cheese sticks, canned tuna and smoked salmon. That should suffice for the munchies. Maybe I'll pick up some pork rinds for the actual games. I think my biggest problem is going to remain hydrated during the convention.

I've decided my next treat, for Goal #5, is going to be a new tattoo. Actually, I'm getting new ink over old ink. I have a black dagger on my ankle and I think I'm going to cover it with a brown cross. (Heh. I can see Mom now. Wincing over the idea of the tattoo but approving the new symbol. I don't think she's ever liked my little black dagger.)

I'd like to thank Sibyana for pointing out to me that sugar free Jello has zero carbs! Yay! A new sweet treat! We were discussing desserts and sweet treats. I've bought a whole bunch of stuff from the Low Carb Market. They are downstairs in the mail room, just waiting to be delivered to me. I'll let you know how all of the new no/low carb treats are next week.

FEBRUARY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Morphism by the absolutely creative and talented M'ris. Marissa is a local gal whom I have not yet had the pleasure to meet with face to face, but I admire (and occasionally envy) her nontheless. She is a published author who is living her dream and I'm betting is on the edge of stardom. She and I have had some very interesting talks on writing, professionalism and religion.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords, Inverted

I'm fine. Just F.I.N.E. fine.

Yeah, I know it's been a week since I wrote. I've got a good excuse, though. The week leading up to DundraCon was pretty dull and then I was gone for DundraCon. Considering how F.I.N.E. I was all weekend, I had a really good time.

For those of you who don't recognize F.I.N.E.... it means: Fucked up (or Freaked out if you want to avoid vulgarity), Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. That was me all weekend thanks to it being 'that time' of the month for me. Yet, it arrived Thursday night and left this morning. Perfect timing you know. Between that and eating poorly at the Con so that my blood sugar levels were all over the place... yeah, I had my moments. However, I was watching myself pretty closely.

Friday night was a DoD Star Wars LARP that was fantastic. Not a single combat, but the lies were thick as honey. I was doing pretty good in my arena as the Republic senator but I choose the wrong person to trust in the end. So, only 2 of 3 goals solved. It was a great game.

Also, I got to meet my psychic twin, Bill. Bill is a great RPer. He caused enough trouble and impressed the DoD crew enough to be awarded one of the GM awards. Bill was a really cool guy and it was just too cute for words when I over heard him calling his young daughters, just to tell them to be good and to listen to Mommy.

Saturday was my game. I was really, really nervous. But, I think the game went really well. I knew a couple of people in the game and only one person walked out because he wasn't feeling good and didn't realize that the game was based on the "Big Trouble in Little China" movie. He just couldn't get into plot. For everyone else, it was a comedy of errors. First, we had no social archtypes. All fighters and mystic people. Maybe next time, I'll limit the character selection down so I force the socials into the game.

I don't think I have ever seen so many failed and botched rolls in all my life. The guy playing the Jack Burton character managed to knock himself out of almost every fight... but came back to beat the bad guy in the end. The game was a lot of fun and I think everyone who stayed had a good time. There was a lot of laughter. So, I guess I can say my first Con game went well.

That night, I had dinner with Bill, Cil, Rich and Ray. Boy, the hotel resturant has gone seriously down hill. I'm not going to eat there again. Then Bill and I met up with Johanna, Alex and ChrisA. ChrisA was doing his Skotos best to recruit Alex. I just kept my opinions to myself. Then, it ended up just me, Johanna and Bill. Johanna was in social butterfly mode, wanting to run around the convention, talking to people, drinking, etc... with Bill and I in tow.

However, I excused myself by 11pm because of two reasons... First, I had an 8am game in the morning. Second, I was starting to feel like a lackey, following Johanna around in her tiny, shiny mini-skirt and being flirty with everyone. When I started feeling like that, I knew it was time for me to bow out, leaving Bill with her. It was definitely the right decision for me.

Sunday, I had the best time being in both Shauna's Mage game and Rich's Storyboard game loosely based on a combination of It and Tommyknockers. I really was going to try for games that I hadn't played before but nothing sounded good except the Good Omens games. So, I just stuck with what I thought sounded good. Yay for good instincts.

Monday, I ended up in GregM's pick up Storyboard game where we each ended up becoming an aspect of the Tarot. I became the Chariot - speed, courage and willpower. My favorite attack was the Ben Hur move... running over the bad guy with my chariot. I took out two major arcana that way.

I don't think I'm going to go into being really pissy at David Wong, the most insecure and unreliable artist at the Con. He is like a spoiled two year old child and I don't recommend him to anyone for character pictures.

So, all in all, it was a great weekend. Yeah, now I have to deal with my on-again, off-again lust for a certain married guy. It seems to have come back on again. (No, not the luscious RobA. He's firmly in the 'fantasy only' box.) I spent almost all of Sunday with this guy and I know he has -no clue- at all about his sexiness factor around me.

*sigh* What is it with me and married men? Despite him being fairly conservative, I'm seriously considering either dropping broad hints at him and/or just telling him and joking with him about the situation. But, knowing me, I'm just going to continue to be platonically friendly with him and keep the lust factor all locked up.

In other good news, Games Unplugged has asked me to write a feature on Skotos and Castle Marrach for their April issue. It also looks like they are going to pick up my LARPing article I wrote on Dreams of Deirdre. And, I'm going to get paid for it! Yay!

FEBRUARY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Morphism by the absolutely creative and talented M'ris. Marissa is a local gal whom I have not yet had the pleasure to meet with face to face, but I admire (and occasionally envy) her nontheless. She is a published author who is living her dream and I'm betting is on the edge of stardom. She and I have had some very interesting talks on writing, professionalism and religion.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Cups

BONUS!!

The last couple of days have been lived in a post Con crud recovery phase. Sleeping as much as possible, pounding the water and popping the vitamins. I think I've stopped it at my throat. It keeps threatening to go to my lungs but, so far, it hasn't gotten a foot hold and that's just the way I like it.

Did my bills a couple days ago. My Fed tax refund came in... and immediately went back out in the form of a check to my parents to pay off that timeshare of theirs. Now, they can sell the bloody thing. Admittedly, it did hurt a little to write such a large check but I'm glad to have helped my parents get rid of a millstone around their neck.

Speaking of money, the bloody guys in Edward Jones lied to me about my finance guy. It turns out he did leave to go into business for himself but they didn't want him to go. Now, with this non-competition clause in his separation contract, he isn't allowed to contact any of his old clients. Which leaves the new guy to spread around that he's not sure... but he 'thinks Edwards Jones asked Cary to leave...' Oh, yeah. I want a liar as my finance guy. My parents already hate this new guy.

So, I've tracked down Cary and he's still getting his office all set up again... As soon as that's done, I'm transferring everything from Edward Jones to Cary's new business and giving this new guy the finger. I'm paranoid enough about money that I don't need to wonder about whether or not my finance guy is lying to me or not.

Yesterday, work had a surprisingly good ending. You know how I've been talking about the insane schedule we've had to keep and having to make some pretty impossible numbers? Well, we made our numbers last quarter. We even grew. Basically, we did more than just survive the previous fiscal year. We grew and prospered in a pretty unhealthy economy. All good things.

So, around 4pm, my boss walks into my cube and tells me we need to talk. Now, having been out and sick for a couple of days, I was wondering if I was going to be chewed on for that. Turns out... no. Because we all went over and above the call to duty for work... we all got bonuses!! *cheer* For me, it was a good bonus. $1000. $500 after taxes and stuff, but that's $500 more dollars than what I had before. Perfect timing because moving is expensive. So, I was pretty happy.

Last night was also my dinner with Mary, Casey, Kathy, Joe, Chris and JL. Basically, a get together for Mary, Casey, Kathy and Joe to talk to Chris and JL about polyamory, their experiences... the good, the bad... and how they made it work for them. Me? I was just along for the ride since I knew both sets of friends - kinda the oil in the machine - kicking people back into play and asking intelligent questions. Not only that, I was really interested in what they had to say.

I think Chris and JL got a really good exposure to polyamory working well. Obviously, they aren't perfect relationships with Mary/Casey/Kathy, Joe/Mary/Casey but, they are very conscientious of each others' feelings and the maintenance that they do with primary and secondary partners was really cool to hear about.

I think the most important things that I came away with are the needs for truly communicating feelings, wants, needs and boundaries. Finding out where our primary and secondary comfort zones are. Talking about it when you get frightened or insecure. Setting expectations and adhering to the comfort zones of your partners. Seriously, it was really cool to see a set of healthy polyamory relationships in action.

I'm Sarah. I'm imaginative and creative, though a bit of a brat sometimes. If I use my wits, I'll get what I want. Nobody has power over me!

Take the "Which Labyrinth character are you most like?" quiz by smarmy

FEBRUARY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Morphism by the absolutely creative and talented M'ris. Marissa is a local gal whom I have not yet had the pleasure to meet with face to face, but I admire (and occasionally envy) her nontheless. She is a published author who is living her dream and I'm betting is on the edge of stardom. She and I have had some very interesting talks on writing, professionalism and religion.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Wands

Facing Adversity

There are days when I think that dieting is just too hard. I wonder if anyone would care if I stopped trying. I wonder if anyone would notice. Then, I realize that -I- would care and, yes, they would notice. Especially those friends of mine who have really noticed my weight loss and continue to encourage me.

I have lost 46 pounds now. That seems like so much when you look at just that number. But, when I look in the mirror, seeing all of the bumps, rolls and extra curves, I get discouraged. When I think about how that just over only 25% of what I want to loose, I feel like I am swimming against the tide. I feel myself overwhelmed and wonder how on earth I'm going to get through the other 75%.

I've been at a plateau since the beginning of the year. Eight weeks of bouncing around the same 10 pound range. I know part of that was the holiday season, but most of it is my fault because I have not disciplined myself very well. Not like I did in the beginning.

I know it is time to go back to that strict discipline. I know it is time to start recording every single bite and every single carb. I know that I need stick firmly to the 20 carb per day limit, to take my vitamins and to drink all of my water. About the only thing I've really been sticking to is the water bit. Also, I know I need to start exercising again. Start out at 2 times per week then work myself up to 3 or 4 times per week.

I know all this and I just want to whimper, cry and say it is too much to do.

But, pride... damnable pride... just won't let me give it all up. I can't give up. I've never given up on anything in my life. Giving up means disappointing people. I hate disappointing people. I hate disappointing me. So, I'm putting on the stiff upper lip and I'm starting all over again. Going back to the basics and doing everything 'just right' as it should be - no matter how much I hate the thought of it.

Just because this is the easiest diet I've ever been on, doesn't mean it IS easy. Dieting is hard work. It's emotional. It can be very painful. But, the rewards are worth it in the end. I just hope I have the willpower to make it that far. Some days, I wonder if I do. Then, I get back on that frickin' horse, despite the pain, and force it back into a trot.

We'll see how far I make it this time before I fall off again. I guess the trick is to realize that I will fall off... many, many times... and to know the most important thing is that I need to force myself back onto that horse again, no matter how afraid, overwhelmed or discouraged I am.

Finally, a dream I could remember long enough to put it to paper.

There Be Dragons: As a shape shifting dragon, I must help my dragon mentor hide many important magical and scientific artifacts from the enemy. Along the way, I am confronted by the enemy's apprentice and 'saved' by a human mortal who fancies himself to be my savior.

Thinking of dragons, this weekend was Ethyria. I had quite a bit of fun as Zjiria. Having Ken play my more impulsive twin brother, Xerxes, is a blast. Most of the time, we can keep the facade of being upper crust gentlefolk but there are times where being young, immature dragons do get us into trouble. We're still getting to know our new characters, but what we see of them, we really like.

This last session, we discovered an unknown (mad) scientist who was building a church with a particular design that was weakening the barrier between our world and the dimension of machines. It was turning everyone in contact with it into living automatons. It took us a bit, but we did save the world from being turned into living machines.

However, as I mentioned to Johanna, so far I'm finding that playing a female in the Victorian era (even if I am a dragon) consists a lot of me pretending to be oblivious or not bothering to noticed something extremely low class. She's promised to share some books with me that will allow Zjiria to show off some sardonic wit while appearing to be the 'paragon of female virtue.' I'm looking forward to that.

*sigh* Spring is definitely in the air. I've been as randy as a cat in heat all weekend with no real outlet. It has left me with an extremely restless feeling that not even enthusiastic cleaning can sooth. My kitchen is sparkling clean and I'm still pacing the apartment. Tonight, I will be going after the dining room and all of the extra stuff in it. I'm hoping all of this cleaning will help. It's getting really hard to sleep right now - which sucks in the morning.

FEBRUARY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Morphism by the absolutely creative and talented M'ris. Marissa is a local gal whom I have not yet had the pleasure to meet with face to face, but I admire (and occasionally envy) her nontheless. She is a published author who is living her dream and I'm betting is on the edge of stardom. She and I have had some very interesting talks on writing, professionalism and religion.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords

Angeldom & Male Commiseration

Thanks to everyone who wrote to me about my whining and self doubt concerning my diet and facing such an emotional and painful tasks. Truthfully, I'm really feeling a lot better. 3 days of angeldom [being such a good girl that I should be considered an angel] and my sugar levels have really stabilized. No big mood swings (save for the randy bits but that's another story.)

Surprisingly, every person who contacted me in email was male. They were all very supportive, encouraging, understanding and even logical about the weight loss and struggle it is. I don't know why I'm so surprised. I guess, I just expected the women to commiserate more with me. I guess it is sort of a biased thing, thinking that men don't really face the same weight issues as women. One of the things I have learned on this diet is that they do. Painfully so.

They have self esteem issues and body image problems. They do wonder how they look in their clothing. They do wonder if that guy over there is privately smirking at their excess weight or if that girl over there is having an internal monologue criticizing their love handles. They are also fighting with common image problem that the only good looking men are tall, slender-waisted and broad-shouldered. I know that it doesn't seem as prevalent as the women weight issues but that doesn't make it any less valid.

You know, it's silly. Why is it so damn hard to do the right thing when the rewards are worth it? I mean, I do feel better emotionally and physically, now that I'm back on the straight and narrow - eating properly and exercising. Hopefully, all this goodness will knock me out of my plateau. I will find out in a few days. Until then, I'll just be a good girl and hope.

I saw Dr. Furlong yesterday for my three month eye exam. I can't believe it's been 3 months already. Happily, my eyes are healing very well. There is no scarring at all and it looks like my eyes have stabilized to 20/15 in the right eye and 20/20 in the left eye. I can definitely live it that.

You know, it's funny. I'm already starting to take my new eyesight for granted. No, I'm still not rubbing my eyes but I am forgetting that I ever had to have surgery. I've stopped marveling at my ability to put on face cream without being 2 inches from the mirror and I've all but forgotten the occasional pains I used to get when I used to wear my headphones at work. I don't think I've looked for, or tried to take off, my glasses in a month now.

The one thing I have noticed is that I don't wear sunglasses nearly as much as I thought I would. I don't know if it is a habit thing, the lack of decent sunglasses or an unconscious urge not to wear -any- glasses at all, not even sunglasses. I was a little surprised when Dr. Furlong asked me if I got a new pair of sunglasses and I realized that I hadn't bought a new pair nor converted my old glasses into a pair.

Now, since there are no more needs for exams, except for the yearly exams, I've gone ahead and made Dr. Furlong my Vision care doctor because I'm really comfy with him and like his office and I do need to have regular yearly check ups for my warranty on my eyes to remain valid. They really do give you good service and care.

Many extra kudo points to my co-worker, Lorna. She is a beauitful slender, busty Brit (like most of the Brits I know) whom I totally envy. She stopped me in the hall today to specifically ask me, "Have you been losing weight?" When I told her yes, she told me, "I thought so. You are looking really good. I couldn't put my finger on it until I saw you just now." (I was wearing a tank top with my jacket off.) "Keep up the good work. What you're doing is awesome!"

Needless to say, I was flattered and really happy. It was the exact thing I needed to hear. Seriously. Shallow, though it may be, I need to hear the compliments and I know I'm not the only one.

I doubt you all really want to see what I've been eating but since I've been logging it, I want to put it here for my future pleasure. Besides, when some poor archeologist finds my journals some time in the future, s/he can have a sample. *heh* I'm sure they are just going to be jumping for joy.

25 February 2002
3 oz of Chicken - 0 carbs
2 cheese burger patties, 3 slices of tomato, 3 wedges of avocado - 5 carbs
Chocolate bar - 3 carbs
2 stuffed sole monteray - 12 carbs
64+ oz of water
TOTAL: 20 carbs

26 February 2002
3 oz of Chicken - 0 carbs
A scoop of peanut butter - 7 carbs
2 cheese burger patties, 3 slices of tomato, 3 wedges of avocado - 5 carbs
Chocolate bar - 3 carbs
3 fried eggs and bacon
Chocolate bar - 3 carbs
64+ oz of water
TOTAL: 18 carbs

27 February 2002
3 oz of Chicken - 0 carbs
2 cheese burger patties, 3 slices of tomato, 3 wedges of avocado - 5 carbs
Chocolate bar - 3 carbs
Marinated steaks: 12 carbs (marinate is expensive, carb-wise)
Sugar free jello
64+ oz of water
TOTAL: 20 carbs

FEBRUARY'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: Morphism by the absolutely creative and talented M'ris. Marissa is a local gal whom I have not yet had the pleasure to meet with face to face, but I admire (and occasionally envy) her nontheless. She is a published author who is living her dream and I'm betting is on the edge of stardom. She and I have had some very interesting talks on writing, professionalism and religion.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Cups, Inverted