February 2000

Oh, yum! Tarmac!

Yep. I'm trying out a new look for my journal splash page. It's not completely ready, I think. Adding some pictures or deciding whether or not I really want to do a weekly poll and where I'm actually going to put it. I'm not really sure but I needed something a little different. Definitely need some newer pictures of myself.

Boy, I must be in a mood. I sent off two emails that will most likely get me in trouble.

The first was to Patrick where I rather bluntly told him that I thought he's been setting himself up to fail by constantly giving himself permission to fail by telling everyone that he is a screw up and to just look at his past. I gave him some (unasked for) advice on what I thought he should do to help himself out. I was just so frustrated at the cycle he's put himself in that I had to finally say something. I hope he's still talking to me.

Then, while reading Me, too! Me, too! I ran across mention of Jim Valis and finally decided to follow the link. I read January 28th entry and found his reasoning sound, his motivations his own and his thoughts blunt and honest - like I like them. Strangely enough, while most journalists seem to hate him, or perhaps, hate his ideas, I happened to agree with them. So, I wrote him a "Good for you! Stick to your guns!" email. I'm not sure what his response will be.

Latest dreamage: Psychic Investigators - Howard and I are a team of psychic investigators on our way to a college to investigate some sort of weirdness.

(Later)

*mmmmm* Shoe leather.

I really should know better. I really should. Blunt honesty doesn't always work so well with others. Patrick reacted quite badly to my email to him. He first gave me the generic "I will give this all the consideration it deserves." response. Which means, "I'm tossing this crap in the garbage." When I responded to that, I was treated to a rant on how I did not know anything about him, I wasn't really his friend, I did not understand him, that his journal was for him, that he needed to vent in it and just because I had managed to follow my own path and succeed didn't give me the right to judge him or to give him any advice at all. Especially when he considered my advice unsuitable, my tone rude and my attitude condescending.

*sigh* Doesn't matter that I just wanted to help and that I would do (and have done) the same thing to my friends here in person. That being rude or condescending was the last thing on my mind.

Next time, I will just keep my thoughts to myself.

Tarot Card for the Day: Judgement

More Dreamage

Well, I modified Abstract Thoughts' front page again. One of my favorite artists is Jonathon Earl Bowser. He is the one who did the Goddess figures on my front page. You should check out his site. His work is available for purchase.

I just got something for my friend Rich that I -know- he's been wanting for a long, long time. Twelve years, in fact. He told me so. It was an eBay item. He doesn't know I won the item over his competitor. It's going to be a surprise. *bounce* I can't wait. He's a good friend and worth it. I couldn't let a 'quest' pass him by.

More Dreamage: Running... - Stuck on a colony world, I am in enemy territory with no way home.

This was a very difficult dream to wake up from. I tried three times but kept being pulled back in. It was as if the dream wasn't done and was desperate to finish its story.

After my bad day yesterday, I got an email from a reader, Jeff, (Hi Jeff!) who decided to say hi, compliment me on my journal and to support me on my (sometimes good, sometimes bad) habit of being bluntly honest. I have to admit, his email really made my day and put a smile on my face.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Wands

Unsolicited Compliments

Karma is a wonderful thing. There is something about balancing a scale in life that makes me happy. People sometimes forget that karma can work both ways. If you do bad, bad things happen to you. If you do good, good things happen to you.

I've had a couple of not so good days, then, out of nowhere, people have said and done some very nice things to cheer me up. First was Jeff and his email to me. Then, last night, I was talking with Patrick, one of my infrequent gaming buddies. He was asking me about me - do I have an SO or pets? I realized that I knew a lot more about him than he did about me. (Can't miss the fact that he's married and a brand new father when he's showing me baby pictures and bringing his son to the game.) I guess I'm fairly quiet unless I'm running the Star Wars game and that's not a time to chat about one's personal life.

We got on the topic of where I've lived and he expressed some envy at all the places I've been/lived. Then, he commented that I must like California the best. I admitted that California was one of the best places I've ever lived, but I would really missed Portland. He asked if I thought I'd ever move back there. I told him I really wanted to - someday. But not anytime soon. I like the Bay area and I'd miss my friends.

That's when he really surprised me. He told me, "I wouldn't want to you to go. I'd miss you, too. You're a really neat person."

Whoa. A very nice, unsolicited compliment from an unexpected source.

I live for little things like that.

If you've never read Clockwork Storybook, I highly recommend that you do. I've discovered that they have a story told in daily installments called "Slings & Arrows." It's very good.

I've seriously considered doing a daily or weekly story but, unfortunately, I tend to write 2500+ word stories at one time. It would be difficult for me to actually write a story on a daily/weekly basis that was only 500-1500 words long.

Maybe that's why I should do it. Teach myself to write more interesting, tighter prose in a shorter amount of space. My first attempt was way too complex, intricate and long. I averaged 5000 words per episode for the 6 episodes I wrote. That's way too much for some to expect another to read.

To start a new episodic storyline, I'd have to figure daily/weekly, topic, maximum word count and all sorts of things like that. *hmmmm* Maybe a mystery. This requires some actual thought.

Oh my God, they are actually doing the Dungeons & Dragons movie... starring Jeremy Irons as the bad guy, no less!! Amazing. I love AD&D. I still play it. It was my first RPG and will always have a place in my heart.

The costumes look wonderful. And you can't go wrong with Jeremy Irons starring. But, as my friend Nick said, we're hoping they leave the cheese factor out of it. One thing I do have to say is, looking at the pictures of the movie, it certainly has an "Epic" feel to it. Like the movie Dune. I can't wait to see it.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Cups, Reversed

It's Good to be the Engineer

I spent a lot of my off time yesterday QAing the Klatha SpellCaster™ software for Klatha Entertainment - which happens to be just two guys - the guy who put all the information together and the guy who is programming it.

Klatha SpellCaster is basically an electronic version of a Book of Shadows. A Book of Shadows, for those of you who don't know, is a book in which people keep their spells. It's very neat and a handy thing to have around if you happen to believe in magic - coincidental or not.

Unfortunately, while this is a very keen idea, the implementation of it has been a bit rocky with the programmer getting sick. Thus, there are a lot of bugs in the software. Early on, when I first got it, I emailed the head of Klatha Entertainment, Neil, and asked if he wouldn't mind me doing a bit of QA work for him - for free, of course. I really do thing it's a neat product. Neil was overjoyed and said I could do as much QA work for him as I wanted.

Well. I finally got some time and, by the end of it, I had sent him four reports with over 30 bugs - and I'm not done yet. I still have the whole Resource section to go through. Still... I am enjoying the work. Sometimes, it's really good to be a QA Engineer.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Empress

"You are such a girl!"

Well, I've done it. I taken the first plunge of the year and submitted work to a bi-monthly fantasy magazine. It's a small magazine and I don't know if any of my work will be accepted but at least I've taken that step again. And a lot sooner than I did last year.

Went over to Miskantonic Acres yesterday. First, me and Dave went out for an early dinner at the Outback. Just to get Dave out of the house and to get me to that end of town before rush hour traffic. After that, back to the house for the Star Wars game, before which, the following conversation took place. (Paraphrased)

We ended up talking about GI Joe with his "Kung Fu grip."

ME: Why do they call it a "Kung Fu grip," anyway? You can't grip anything with it.

DAVE: Because, it's GI Joe! It's a "Kung Fu grip!"

BOB nods in agreement.

DAVE makes jerky motions - presumably mimicking the "Kung Fu grip."

ME: So? It doesn't make sense. They should have called it a "Kung Fu chop" or something like that.

DAVE: (with passion) You are such a girl!!

BOB nods in agreement.

ME: Um. Why, yes... I am.

DAVE: You've just never been to planet Boy, have you?

ME: No. I can't say that I have.

ALEX walks in.

DAVE: (to Alex) She is such a girl!

REPEAT ABOVE CONVERSATION "KUNG FU GRIP" WITH ALEX, BOB & DAVE.

All agree that obviously, I've never been to planet boy and I really am "such a girl!!"

To which and I nod and realize much, much too late... It must be just a boy thing.

*GRIN*

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords, Reversed

Movie Day

I decided to spend the day hiding, watching movies, occassionly munching on popcorn, and letting my brains leak out of my ears.

I finally got to watch American Pie. The unrated version. Damn. I have to say it was painful to watch. Not because it was a bad movie but because it reminded me of some of the most painful, awkward times in my life. Oh, yeah... 16, 17, 18... I have no idea what the 'youth' of today thought of the movie, but I have heard that it is the "Breakfast Club" of this generation.

I have to admit, I only continued to watch because Alyson Hannigan (Willow) was in the movie. I wanted to see what her part was. Oy, she was such a band weenie! A horny, domme band weenie...

In the end, I have to say as much as I winced through the movie, I did like it. It really was a rite of passage. But, I'm not sure I like the fact that all the guys did have sex on prom night - even if some of the consequences were unexpected/amusing.

Yeah. Sometimes I'm just a fuddy-duddy.

The second movie I watched was Drop Dead Gorgeous, a mocumentary of a beauty pageant in a small town complete with the town sweetheart, the town rich bitch, the rich bitch's mother and a host of shenanigans before, during and after the pageant shown.

This movie was amusing and just plan wrong!

But, all was not lost. I did end up watching Anne of 1000 Days, the story of Anne Boleyn and Henry the VIII with Richard Burton and Genevieve Bujold.

Oh my. About the "Kung Fu Grip" entry from yesterday... I received the most amusing email from a reader. It really surprised me.

"Ah, the incredible kung fu grip. Gotta admit. I can't figure out if that entire entry is some really subtle masturbation joke or not. In any case, I laughed like a fiend. - Byrne"

Oh my, indeed! This certainly was one point of view that I wasn't expecting. It certainly made me 'laugh like a fiend.'

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords

Heaven & Hell

Oh, rapture! I have found a little piece of Heaven here on earth in the form of T-shirt sheets. I finally had a chance to get them washed and to try them out. Oh, my! So, incredibly soft! And warm! T-shirt sheets easily mold themselves to fit the body, caressing every curve in a comforting cover of pure bliss. Man, getting out of bed is going to be really difficult from now on.

Unfortunately, my wonderful sleep and good mood from the T-shirt sheets was rudely interrupted by me almost breaking my toe in the bathroom. *sigh* I was getting into the tub and *cracked* my toe - the same toe I almost broke last time - on the edge of the tub door. Oh my god... it hurt so bad that I was paralyzed with pain for a moment and then, I had to keep myself from screaming. It was the kind of pain that makes you want to jump up and down in utter frustration because of the inability to think of anything else.

Woo-hoo! I just got word that "at least one of my works" has made it into Woven Worlds, Issue #2. I don't know which piece(s) made it, yet, but this is very cool!

I take that back! I just got word that it's my Dream Weaver story! *BOUNCE* *EXCITEMENT* *HAPPY DANCE* This is my first short story that I'm having published! I am just so happy! I know I'm not getting paid for this - yet, but as Mom said, it will happen.

... But, even with all my happiness... there is a bit of sadness, too. I wrote Dream Weaver for Chris back in 1992. and I can't even tell him that it is being published. It makes me a little angry, but resigned, as well. I wish I could let him know - but I think, somehow, it would just cause more problems between him and his wife.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Pentacles

Bad Girl in the Twilight Zone

Way too little sleep for a Monday morning and my thoughts on the drive to work really showed it. It got really foggy as I crossed the bridge - so foggy that you couldn't see anything but the bridge. Not the water. Not the other side. Just the bridge and the other cars.

The thought began innocently enough. "Boy, I can't see anything but the bridge. With all that fog, there could be an invasion force in there and I'd never know it." (Hmm. I suppose that's not a particularly 'innocent' thought.) Then, my thoughts continued on. "Oh, what if there is a dimensional rift and we're all actually driving into another world..." Suddenly, Rod Sterling materialized in the seat next to me and began to speak.

"Imagine if you will, a world, not unlike our own, where all seems to be the same but is not. Here we have, Jennifer B. Ms. B. is a QA Engineer, happy with her job, but longing for a career as an author. She is on her way to work this foggy Monday morning, feeling very tired from the previous evening with friends. As her mind wanders over the memories, she does not notice that the road seems to wander for a moment as well. She has crossed over into that parallel world where strange opportunities await. She has crossed over into The Twilight Zone." *cue creepy music*

My mind continued to wander over what this parallel world, so similar to our own, would be like, tweaking little things here and there. The very strange story kept me sufficiently amusing all the way to work. But, alas, when I arrived, I found myself still in my own world with Test Plans waiting to be completed. *sigh*

Baby, did a bad, bad thing...

I am a bad girl. I know it. I did something I'm probably going to end up regretting but for right now... Screw it!

I ran into my brother online and started chatting with him. I told him about my story being published. He was pretty happy for me. On a whim, I asked if he ever spoke to Chris at all. He told me that he did upon occasion. I asked him to let Chris know about Dream Weaver being published. I know I'm not supposed to talk to him but I think it would be really nice to let him know that my first published story is one I wrote because of something he once said to me.

Of course, I was racked with guilt afterwards because I know Chris isn't supposed to have anything to do with me... Until I talked to Johanna that is... She told me, "Personally, I think you've got every right to tell him - no matter what that paranoid bimbo of a wife thinks." I love my heartsis. She knows exactly what to say. That cheered me up immensely. And she's right. It's not like I'm trying to seduce Chris or anything. I just want him to know that I finally am getting a story published and it's one that he had some influence on.

Now, hopefully, there won't be any backlash to this.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Cups

Taxes, Gaming & Moving

Death and Taxes. The only two certainties in this world. Especially taxes. I hunkered down and did mine. I added up my wages from my previous company and my current company and just about flipped. I made HOW MUCH?! this year? It was a bit more than I expected.

After I picked up my jaw off the floor, my first thought was... Where the hell did it all go?! Then, once I calmed down a little, I remembered... "Oh, yeah. I'm debt free. I paid off my student loans, my car and my credit cards this year." That's when I remembered that I got paid from both jobs during the month of November and I did get a Signing Bonus for choosing my current company to work for.

OK. I figured out how I made so much money and where it all went. Now, time to get down to business on doing the forms. Of course, I had the wrong one for Federal and had to print that one from the website. I have to admit - the IRS website is pretty tightly done and very clean.

I did the forms and, as expected, I got a refund from both. I always file 00. So, I expect a decent refund from the Feds and a tiny refund from the State. I was not disappointed. I have to admit, with the amount of money I made this year, I was a little worried about the State.

Now, some people think filing 00 is a waste and that I shouldn't let the government basically have my money in a zero interest account. Me, I'm much more of the 'better safe than sorry' crowd. I much prefer getting my money back than having to suddenly scramble to pay them.

Besides, it's NASA who has been holding/using my money/taxes. For them, I'll forgive that.

Actually remembered to get Friday the 18th and Monday 21st off for DunDraCon. I decided that I'm not going to run a game there unless there is absolutely NOTHING to do and people are asking. All of which, I highly doubt. Between the Sneezing Lizard LARPs, the possible Star Wars game, possible Port Townsend game, the Bedrest1 Reunion/Closure LARP, the probably Sekt Valir game, the Aberrant game (8am Sunday - UGH), the Agent X game... and various other games, parties and general socializing, I figure I'm going to -need- Monday to go home and recover.

My mom called. The house has closed. There are a couple minor details to be worked out but pretty much, it's all a done deal. So much so that Mom and Dad have settled on when they will be quitting work - March 17th. The of the deal on the house should be on March 22nd, which means they will be leaving on March 23rd.

They are planning on visiting the Grand Canyon, then Angel Canyon, then to Chicago to visit relatives there and then to North Carolina to be with my sister. Yeah. It's all happening really pretty fast. Mom and Dad should be gone in about six weeks. Boy, I'd better visit with them as much as I can during that six weeks.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Emperor, Reversed

Impatient & Unfocused

Now that I've actually realized that Scott is not moving out of the house anytime soon, I have made the decision that, yes, I really am going to move this year. I am financially stable enough to do so. At first, I was going to wait until the end of the year to make sure that I had enough saved up for a comfortable cushion. Then, while I was talking on the phone to my father, I was telling him that I'd wait until Donna got back from Esalon at the beginning of August. But, by the time I was talking to Mom, I was pondering May. Between my savings account and my tax return, I should be fine.

But, I was feeling guilty. I didn't want to ruin Donna's vacation to Esalon. Then, Mom pointed out that my rental agreement with Donna was a business relationship. Not a personal one. In a way, yes. In a way, no. Donna and I have become good friends. If Scott didn't live there, I wouldn't even be considering moving. But, he does and so, I am.

I know Donna is going to be upset about the situation. She won't want me to go, but I -know- she isn't going to push her son out of the house. Nor should she. It's his childhood home. I'm the one with the problem.

*sigh* It is going to be hard telling Donna I'm going to move because of her son. Scott is a good kid. He really is. But I'm too old to be dealing with a teenager in the house who is not my son (heaven forbid!). I'm tired of dealing with the mess, fighting with his friends for a parking spot, not being able to use the livingroom, etc, etc, etc...

Also, it's not just Scott - though, he is the major factor and with that, the littler things are more annoying. It's the fact that it's not my home. It's not my furniture. I can't have a pet. I can't just let someone come stay with me for a couple of days without checking with her first.

I know I have it very good there. In about a month, I will have lived there for three years. Almost a record for me. It's cheap and friendly.

Darnit! Why couldn't Scott have gone to a four year college elsewhere?

I am so scatterbrained lately. I can't seem to focus on anything. I still haven't worked on Pride of Bramsburg since I got blocked. I forgot about writing up the last Star Wars game until Johanna asked me about it. I'm running my Star Wars game this weekend but I can't even remember where we were or what the plotline was supposed to be. - And I have to figure that out before I can get Dave to play his character and one of my NPCs for me. I also have two poems in the works but no end in sight.

I really need to figure out my life. At least, my writing and gaming life. I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't more than I can handle.

A warm "Welcome back!" to Brian of Indecent Exposure who has started up his journal again.

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Swords, Reversed

Dealing with Conflicting Emotions

There's been something running around in my head for the past couple of days that I've been trying desperately to ignore. Unfortunately, it's not working. I'm not sure what to call it: Insecurity? Jealousy? Competitiveness? Whatever it is, it's being directed at Johanna and that sucks. Especially when I know she's doing it to help herself and to be supportive of me.

That's why I'm frustrated at my feelings. They aren't large, but they are there.

Perhaps it's the kind of relationship she and I have always had. We are very close, can get inside each other's heads but at the same time, we can totally misunderstand one another and occasionally want to ripe each other's eyes out. Fortunately, the good times vastly out way the bad. Unfortunately, when the bad times come around, it's bad enough to make everyone dive cover and pray to not be hit with shrapnel.

You all know that my recently acquired new obsession is my health, weight and fitness. I have to admit that I'm taking my time really diving into it. Mostly because it's going to be so hard and so few people around me care about their health, weight and fitness.

Now, Johanna has started making a concerted effort to start getting in shape and watching what she eats. In fact, she's taking it a lot more seriously than I am. She's actually exercising while I'm just mostly watching what I eat and thinking about exercise. This new development has sparked a series of conflicting emotions within me.

On one hand, I'm really happy for Johanna. She's doing something she wants to do and is following through. Also, it will give us something to bitch about, commiserate about and to support each other with. All of which is a really good thing.

On the other hand... I'm finding myself feeling pissy and jealous. She has a lot less weight to lose than I for starters. Also, I have always, always, always been intimidated by, and jealous of, her beauty. With or without the small amount of extra weight she's carrying, Johanna has always been this beautiful, British, busty bombshell of pure sex who has the enviable ability to charm the socks off of everyone she meets, shmooze like there's no tomorrow and to make herself the center of attention without even trying. And that's on a bad day.

Immediately, my insecure side is burning green with jealousy at how much more beautiful she is going to become and so much more sooner than I.

But, then my rational side takes over again and calms my fears. It's not just that I'm intimidated of Johanna... it's my fear that I will never reach my goal or even half my goal. It's also that losing weight is so much harder than getting out of debt - and it has so much more of my self esteem tied up into it.

I really don't want this to become a competition thing. It shouldn't be. I want to make it a motivation and support thing. Johanna is my best friend and heart sister. I know there are things about me that make her jealous. We both have our strengths and weaknesses. That's such something I'm going to have to remember.

I just did another mass mailing for the San Francisco Bay Area Journals site. I've already had a couple of responses. Welcome to Mike of How Not To Fly and Noele of Crunchy Green Pears.

Gave Rich his gift today. The vinyl of "Touch" by Secession. The end of a 12 year quest. He was surprised, speechless and very happy. All of which may me very happy. I love making my friends smile.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Wands

Storms & Anti-Gravity Boobs

Visited Dave yesterday through a torrential downpour. Actually, it wasn't -that- bad, but bad enough. Traffic was weird. Took me 101 minutes to go 24 miles from work to home and then only 90 minutes to go 50 miles from home to Miskatonic Acres. Go Fig.

We created our Super Heroes for the Champions game. It's going to be an eclectic group. I decided that I wanted to play an elemental mage and I wanted to base her looks on John Bowser's painting: Na Pali Wind. So, she wears all white and has white hair. From there, it was decided that since she's an orphan, a certain Tibetan cabal would have taken her in. Brit helped come up with her Hero name: Cinnabar.

He commented that it was too bad she wasn't Chinese. Dave just loved that idea. An albino Chinese woman. Suddenly, Cinnabar became a strikingly beautiful albino Chinese female elemental mage who is an expert in Oriental horticulture when she's not saving the world... er... River City. Cool. And, of course, the anti-gravity boobs came free.

I've come to a strange realization. Even though I haven't lived at home for over seven years now, I've never actually lived on my own. I've always had housemates. Even when I lived in the Cottage, I still lived in someone's backyard and my senile landlady came over almost everyday to natter at me about something.

It's a weird feeling to realize this. It makes me feel juvenile for some reason. Like, I can't "make it on my own" even though I know I certainly can. It just makes me want to move out of my current situation that much sooner to 'prove' that I can live "on my own."

I realized all of this when I was making up a list of all the furniture that I was going to have to get when I did move into my own place. Things like a breakfast table and chairs, living room furniture, a vacuum. Just normal everyday things that I should have had already, but don't because I've never needed them and when I did have them for the Cottage, I returned them to various owners because I no longer needed them.

When I do move out, suddenly, I'm going to feel like a starving college student again. I have a nice bedroom set and a nice den set but I have only a TV and a single, old, barely usable chair for the living room. I have no kitchen table or dish drainer or any of those other little things that people acquire over the years.

Oh, well. Maybe I can use this to regain my lost youth.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Pentacles

Nada.

Bits and Pieces

Valentine's Day. For all of you who have significant others and like this day, do enjoy. For those of you who hate this day, good luck. Me, I think I'm just going to be ambivalent about it. It's safer that way.

Saturday was a good day. It was my Star Wars game at Bob's house. Unfortunately, Alex had to work late and couldn't make it and Dave had a pounding headache and couldn't make it. But, that was OK. It sort of forced the rest of the group to work on the secondary plotline - which they did in a *major* way. I was very pleased that they thought up some of the things they did. They've gotten quite far on the plotline. Unfortunately, they also attacked and traumatized a witness who would have been able to give them a huge clue to follow. The game went so well that I stopped it at 1am because I was tired and ready to head home. Ah, yes. Always leave them wanting more.

Spent most of yesterday either reading or writing up Episode 12. Hearts & Minds of the Tales of the Iridium Rose. It was a fairly easy write up and spent some time looking into the mental propaganda that the Empire put out. And, we are on our way to meet up with the crew of the Iridium Rose again! Yeah! Then, Rob called me up and invited me over to play Clue with him, Lisa, Eric, Christina and DJ. Of course, I went. I hadn't seen them in a while. It was a good bit of fun, playing a game we barely remembered and speaking in snooty voices about how we did or did not murder Mr. Body.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Wands, Reversed

Lost Dream Makers

Mel Blanc 1989.
Jim Henson 1990.
Charles Schultz 2000.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about Charles Schultz and his death. For me, he was a quiet part of my life through the Peanuts comic. It's reminded me of other people whom I never knew personally but were an intimate part of my life.

Mel Blanc was the voice of many of my favorite cartoon characters. His death left me, and most of the world, Speechless in mourning.

Jim Henson, the creator of the Muppets, of the Storyteller, of Dark Crystal, of Labryinth... his death left me empty and sad, knowing that I would never again get to see his dreams.

I'm sure this happens to every generation. The loss of those special dreamers who, in their own way, made life a little brighter and a little more happy. Still, it doesn't stop the pain I'm feeling right now. I shed silent tears at the works left undone.

I'm finding myself groping for words to try and express my admiration and gratitude for these Dream Makers, to tell them how much they affected my life, to express my sorrow at their passing. But, I am left with just a lump in my throat, tear stained cheeks and an empty ache in my heart that no words could do justice to.

They are gone but not forgotten.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Swords, Reversed

Distracting One Obsession for Another

It occurred to me today, as I perused the classifieds again, as I have been doing daily for the past week, that I have partly derailed my current obsession (Health & Weight) for what seems to be an even more pressing obsession: Moving.

While, I've always said "One Obsession at a time," I have not altogether abandoned my weight, health & fitness obsession. I am still watching what I'm eating - Monday through Friday in particular, and I still haven't given up on the idea of exercise before I've even started.

However, I am finding myself nattering to the ether about how I wish I could do aerobics in the living room but won't because of the boy... or pondering a skin routine but can't because I'd take too long in the morning and the boy needs to use the bathroom to get ready, too.

Invariably, my thoughts turn to having my own apartment/house... with no room mates... and how I could do this and that if I just had the place to myself. I'm starting to fantasize about setting up my treadmill in my new den or pondering a morning exercise routine where I do Gilad's Step Workout two days a week and do Tae Bo three days a week - in my own living room. And of standing naked in the bathroom in the morning as I carefully and lovingly apply skin lotion all over my body with no one to rush me except the clock...

Yes, moving has become a new, short term obsession. I seem to be sharing it 60%-40% with my weight & health obsession. Mostly because I have to wait until I have enough money in my savings account to be comfortable to go looking for a place. I'm predicting that that date will be around April 1st. Yep, just 6-7 weeks away.

Then, I tell Donna that I'm going to begin looking for a new place, but I'm not in a hurry. I will have a check list of things that I want in a new home. And, since I will have let Donna know my intentions, when I'm starting to box things up and throw things out like crazy, she won't have to ask me what's going on.

Besides... in a balancing sense... I'm beginning to realize that I need to get rid of a lot of my physical clutter before I can get rid of the mental clutter... which will lead to helping me lose the weight and to get healthy again.

Yep. It's all connected...

It does appear that Walter has either a mate or family. I've seen Walter with another smaller redder squirrel running around. I can't tell if it is a playmate, a rival or a mate. Usually, they spent all of their time chasing each other. Usually, Walter's the one doing the chasing.

Today, I got to see three squirrels in the same tree, being peaceful. Walter, by far the biggest, was at the base of the tree, foraging. Red was half way up and curled up on a branch in the sun. The third, I'm calling Littlebit, was up the highest stretched out just as far as he could be on the branch, sunning himself.

It was a nice diversion as I wait for the server to reboot.

I got some surprising news. James/Srakkt has enlisted in the Marines. I think it's a good move for him. He has the bearing, the drive and the stamina to make it through boot camp and to do well during and after. I wish him the best of luck.

Tarot Card for the Day: Temperance

Happy Jenn

Ever since I realized/decided that I needed to move out and therefore was going to do so, I've been in a great mood! I have a goal. A reachable one. I even cleaned up the den, again and started looking into cleaning up my bedroom. I'm thinking flame thrower at this point. *grin* A total purge. If I haven't worn it in a year, out it goes. Though, a lot of it will be offered to friends before it goes to Good Will.

I've even started working on a "Finding a New Home" checklist. So far, I'm looking at, in general: Date, Apartment/House, Who showing, location, when available, # of bedrooms, # of bathrooms, # of phone lines, does it have AC, does it have laundry hook ups, will it take pets, amount of rent, does @home provide service there, are there grounded outlets and where.

If it is an Apartment: Is there AC, where is the laundry, are utilities paid for? what floor is the apartment on, where is the mail, where is the parking space.

If it is a House: What does the yard look like, is there a refrigerator, where are the laundry hook ups.

This is all I have for starters. If you can think of other things, PLEASE let me know! Thanks.

Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Swords

Good Advice

Wow! I've gotten a lot of good advice on how to go apartment/house hunting and things to look for while I do it. A big thank you to everyone who emailed me. I'll be printing out the emails to add to my clipboard which will have my check off list. *hehehe*

This is going to be a big weekend for me in a gaming sense. DunDraCon weekend. So, no updates until Tuesday. See you then!

Tarot Card for the Day: The Sun

DunDraCon Weekend.

DunDraCon Weekend.

DunDraCon Weekend.

The Convention Report

Friday, I didn't do any gaming. Instead, I met up with old and regular friends, socialized and partied. It was definitely the usual first day of Con where there is an underlying feeling of hope and desperation. People loudly and boisterously saying hello to friends like they were long lost family. People huddled in groups around one or two people chatting, desperately trying to look like they belong. And people just doing their best to forget the outside world. It's all part of everyone trying to look like they are someone. Sometimes, it's sad to watch. Sometimes, I can understand it too well.

Oh, yes. A guy tried to pick me up within the first five minutes of me being at the con. A new record. It's one of the reasons I do like conventions. There, I'm beautiful. ... Well, ok... I'm female and that counts for a lot at one of these things. It was nice to have people go out of their way to say hello to me or shouting my name to get my attention. I didn't lack for company even once. There wasn't a single time that I felt like I was 'alone in the crowd.'

Saturday, I played in a rather disappointing Agent X LARP but I went into it knowing that it was a test play and experimental. I also got to play in a too short but spastic Sekt Valir game. That was a lot of fun. But, I think the best thing that happened was me and Laurel hooking up and talking until the wee hours of the morning. I really like Laurel and we have an understanding on a lot of non-standard concepts/subjects. I keep hoping that we have time to get together on a more regular basis.

The only thing that annoyed me the whole weekend were the Vampire LARPers on Saturday night. I'm not sure why they got on my nerves so badly. Maybe it was the pretension I saw everywhere I turned. It was an official Camarilla game and I've never gotten on well with that sort of group. (Though, I really hope I don't look/seem that bad when I play in Bedrest.)

Sunday was the best day of the Con for me. I dragged my tired butt out of bed for my 8am Aberrant game. Rich has always said that Aberrant is one of the best games White Wolf has ever put out. After playing it, I totally agree with him. It's fun, simple and easy. It's not a strict super heroes game but it does have enough of a flavor of it that one can really get into the genre. I played Dawnfire, a 17 year old media darling, Senator's daughter who can manipulate fire. I liked her so much that I kept the character for 'just in case' purposes.

I have to admit, now that I've played Aberrant, I'm not sure I want to play Champions, but we'll see.

Then, after I took some quiet time alone in my room for lunch, I hooked up with Shauna and that crew. Shauna had an idea for a 'short' game where we were to think of a completely normal person and we would go from there. This Shauna-original was supposed to take about four hours but it turned into a ten hour 'Time Cop' game that everyone loved!

The basic premise was that we (the players) woke up in a strange house, not remember much of anything accept who we thought we were and what we did for a living. We all had a dizzying sense of Déjà vu when it came to the other people. We all knew we were there for a reason. And we slowly discovered that we had special powers. Mine were that I could become invisible or blending into the surrounding area and I could completely alter my appearance with a thought.

Turned out that we were Time Cops, that the President of our time had become a dictator and after we discovered -something- about him, he had ordered our deaths. That 'something' was the fact that the President was kidnapping pedophile. Needless to say, by the end of the game, we took that sucker down. We all did make it back into the future, our time, but there were still a lot of questions and memory gaps. We are currently trying to get Shauna to turn it into an ongoing chronicle.

Monday, I was still ready for more but as the convention was closing down, I headed home to rest up from the weekend. It had been a long, good weekend. Well worth going to.

Tarot Card for the Day: The High Priestess

Awkward Situation

Well, looks like my weekend caught up to me yesterday. I was extremely tired and had a sore throat - a sure sign that I was getting sick. So, I did the smart thing and stayed home. I slept late, watched The Thomas Crown Affair (which, btw, is excellent) and watched The Game. I also napped a lot. I definitely needed it.

Donna is having the house bathroom redone, the tub and toliet, which leaves only her private bathroom open for all of us to use. It's an awkward situation. Her bathroom is in her room and I don't feel comfortable just walking in like she's told us to do - especially at night when she's already gone to bed. But, when you gotta go, you really gotta go. Thursday, we're supposed to get our bathroom back. I really hope so.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords, Reversed

Nada.

Future Choices

Over DunDraCon, I had a chance to talk with a couple of acquaintances and got to know them better. Turns out, they work for a gaming company and I got to chat with the CEO of that company too. It's pre-IPO, located in Berkeley and they will be looking for QA people in late June. Thus, enters in a future possibility. But, as I think about it, it presents a possible hard choice for me.

On one hand, I'm in a stable job that I like, in a pre-IPO company that pays me well. On the other hand, I really miss working with games and I've been thinking about moving back to that area.

Also, it brings a couple more things to the forefront: Do I stay with my current company, being paid well, waiting for my stocks to vest and move out into a place of my own like I have been wanting to? Or, do I move to this newer company in June, working with games, probably paid less, lose my stocks in my current company and should probably stay where I'm living right now to save up even more money?

It seems to be a choice of stability and freedom to move, working in a company that I like but am not enthralled with or a choice of moving back into gaming, staying with the stability of my current cheap living arrangements and basically taking a chance professionally.

Both have some serious pros and cons attached to them but I'm not willing to make that kind of decision just yet. Who knows, maybe I can figure out a way to do it all - move, stay at my current work place and help with QA at the new company by consulting. So many things to think about.

On an amusing, cool note - James and Laurel both made it into the Argus newspaper in a pleasant article about DunDraCon. It was really neat to read about them there. I immediately called them up and let them know. Both were amazed and pleased. It was also very cool to have a reporter write something nice about gamers in a non-condescending matter.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hermit

Random Thoughts

I got a nice email back from Klatha Entertainment on my QAing for them. I hadn't heard from them since I sent in my first set of QA reports, so - like an good QA Engineer - I poked Neil. He immediately responded. Apparently, he responded to me last week but I never got the email. He c/p that email and then added more to it.

Mostly, he just went through my reports, telling me which PRs/suggestions he was having implemented, which ones couldn't be implemented, yet and why. It was nice to be appreciated. I will finish up the rest of the QAing this weekend, if I get a chance. Also, I'll be getting the next beta version soon.

I decided to forego Dave's Champions game in preference of Rich's Aberrant game. It's not that I don't like Dave. Far from it. It's the very long drive and the fact that I really like Aberrant. This also frees up my odd Fridays to do whatever - even if whatever is just relaxing at home.

Yesterday was payday. I really like payday, especially when at my ever growing savings account. I really must be a miser or something like that. I smile every time I look at those numbers. I can't help it. Maybe because it represents an accomplishment... or maybe security... or, perhaps potential. Or, all of the above. Especially the potential part. Potential for vacation. Potential for toys. Potential down payment on a house or car. Potential of 'just in case' or whatever may come up. And the security part is nice.

Did you know they (whoever they are) say that you should have a minimum of three months worth of salary in bank at all times? I don't think I know anyone who does that. Not even me. (Yet.) It's amazing how people here in the Silicon Valley live from paycheck to paycheck. Especially at the salaries we make.

Gonna spend some time with my parents today. They are in the midst of cleaning and straightening and such to get ready to move in three weeks. I haven't been spending enough time with them lately and now they are leaving. I'm happy for them but I'm also going to be sad to see them go. So, in the meantime, I'm going to go by and see them when I can.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Cups, Reversed

A Day to Relax.

Sunday... . I slept in late and now am ponder the day. Today is to be a day of rest and relaxation Well, Ok. A day of unhurried activity. All I have to do is pay bills and go to the Bedrest pizza meeting. Oh, wait. I should wash some clothes, too. Hrm... and the junk is piling up in my den again. Well, Ok. A day of some activity, if I choose to do it. We'll see.

Yesterday, I visited my parents and took them out to lunch. We had a good chat about how the move is going, how their lives are going and I gave them a status update on my life. Then, after that, like all good parents do, they shanghi-ed me into helping them pack for a little bit before I left to go Brentwood for Howard's Star Wars game.

The game itself was interesting and unexpected.We ran into some trouble from an unknown enemy. Then, we ran into a small religious order outside the Rim who used the Force and called it "El Hy." They were insular, isolationistic and incredibly strong within the Force. Each of us learned something knew and unusual.

Unfortunately, they weren't what we were looking for. Though, they may be a result of what we are looking for and we are continuing on the right path. All of which is a good thing. I have to admit, Howard runs an interesting game.

Tarot Card for the Day: Knight of Swords

Old Letters, Old Memories

One of the things that happen on Saturday while I was helping my mom pack things up from her craft room (which used to be my old bedroom years ago) was that we found a box filled with letters to me from my family and friends from the years 1986 to 1991.

It was an amazing bit nostalgia. I have letters from people I don't remember. Even after rereading the letters, my mind draws a blank. But, I also have a lot of letters from two friends in Waynesboro. Michelle and Brenda. It really made me wonder how they are doing. But, unfortunately, I don't have addresses for either anymore. Though, one, Brenda, I believe her parents still live at the same place. I think I will drop a line in that direction to see if I can get back in touch with her after almost 10 years. It would be worth it. Brenda was my best friend in Waynesboro. She was practically my only friend. She was the one who taught me how to be a girl.

Then, there were a lot of letters from college friends. Especially between my Sophomore and Junior year. The summer I went to boot camp. I have letters from Sam, Debi, Robert, Dana, ChrisT and even one from Cherny. These letters have a bitter sweet taste to them. They were from a time in my life when things were much simpler. Such happy and confusing letters filled with love, jokes, affection... so many memories of the past.

Most of them were written to me before or during boot camp - the second worst time in my life that lead up to the all time worst time in my life when I lost my AFROTC scholarship and was booted out of the Air Force.

But, I think the wonderful memories these letters bring up out way the bad and that makes them priceless.

Also, I discovered two letters that my grandfather, Pop, wrote to me before he came to live with us. Wonderful little letters that don't really say very much in content but speak volumes of his life, his love and his wish to come to CA. These letters, I will treasure always.

Amazingly enough, I had three letters from my father in the box. Letters from him while he was out in CA and we were still in PA. These letters really disturbed me. Being separated by over a decade, I can really see the change in my father from the man he was then and the man he is now.

I was sixteen when he wrote these letters to me. An awkward, vulnerable time for me. Each letter was filled with criticisms and hard words, speaking of how I could do better in school, that I should watch my weight, that I prattle on and on in my letters to him and that I ask too many questions. No tender words of affection from a father to his daughter. No encourage words of reassurance on how the move would be good for the family. Not much more than taskmaster would speak to a student who wasn't doing very well.

It reminded me of how much I disliked and feared my father back then. I loved him because he was my father. I obeyed him because he scared me so much. I hated him when he made me, my sister, my brother or my mother cry. He was a drill instructor who treated his own family as if they were nothing more than the cadets he used to train.

Now. I am torn. My father never used to write me. I have only these three letters and the letter he wrote me on Christmas morning 1980. I want to keep these mementos of my father but... he is not the man he once was. He is tender, loving, affectionate now. He has changed so much.

Part of me wants to throw out the letters like my father threw out all of his military mementos, telling me that they represented a part of his life that he not longer was a part of. Part of me wants to give him these letters to read so I can .... do what? Confront him on what a bastard he used to be? Would that solve anything? Would that take away the bad memories of a time when I feared and hated my own father because I was never good enough for him?

I really don't know what to do. He was so awful back then. He is so wonderful now. I don't want to remember the man he was. I want to remember the man he is.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords

Unhealed Wounds

Interesting dreamage: Lions & Cheetahs - The lions are encroaching, intent on taking the cheetahs' territory from them. I am fighting on the side of the cheetahs. In turn, I learn that there is one little cheetah who will always guard my back.

It always sucks when you discover that a wound you thought was healed really wasn't. That it was just covered by a heavy protecting scab that, unfortunately, can be ripped off without warning. This is true of both physical and mental wounds. The mental wounds hurt more. I know. I've had this brought to light not once, but three times, in the last two weeks.

The first time was at DunDraCon with [a person]. I had not seen nor heard him since that wonderfully painful day back July when he severed our friendship because we because 'our personalities clashed.' I've been both angry and sad at him since that day. Then, I grew indifferent and put him out of my mind, believing I was over the hurt of the severed relationship. But, I discovered the hard way that the wound still had not healed.

The moment I heard that he was coming to [a place], I got up and left, much to the protest of those people already there. My parting goodbye was that I wasn't drunk enough to deal with him yet but I would be back later. Truth was that I wasn't drunk enough to deal with my own hurt. A hurt that I just wanted to forget.

When I become friends with someone, I really open my heart. When the relationship is broken for whatever reason, I am hurt - badly. Perhaps it's a flaw. I don't know.

Later at DunDraCon, the group I was with met up with him. I was polite but I pretty much ignored him as I wrestled with an internal debate on whether or not I should pass on a message from a mutual friend. Finally, my generous side won out over my petty, revenge-seeking side and I blurted out the message to him in a brusque, almost harsh, manner. I don't think anyone realized what it cost me to deliver that message.

The second time was on Sunday as I reread those lost letters from my father. They really reopened an old wound in my heart and the fear that I would never be good enough. They brought back all of the shame, fear and hatred I felt, heightened by adolescent hormones and perceptions. I never realized just how bad/hurtful those times were until I was forced to compare them with my life now and the man who is my father today.

It made me face the fact that I am, in some ways, still hurting over that time in my adolescence. That part of me is still a scared little girl who desperately wants acceptance and approval from those around her.

Just reading that last sentence makes me want to shout in denial. "I've made it. On my own! I don't need anyone!"

Truth is that I still do need that acceptance and approval from those around me... but, not to the extent that I once did. Yes, I have healed a lot, but not all the way. I think, mostly, because of the much better relationship my father and I have now.

The third time was also on Sunday at the Bedrest pizza meeting. [A person] was there. I haven't seen him in a long time. He's never answered any of my olive branch emails. I did manage to say hello but that was it. I couldn't gather the courage to speak to him otherwise. He was surrounded by friends and seemed completely at ease.

The biggest thing with this problem is it is mostly my fault. I know it and I've done what I can to repair it. But, there are only so many times a person can apologize about something without it sounding rote and fake. I have no idea if he is even interested in helping repair the damage. From all that I can see, he isn't and that sucks. It takes two to tango.

With each one of these wounds, I am doing my best to cover and heal them as quickly as possible. I know this isn't the best way to deal with them. But right now, I'm just not ready to really open each up, examine them and do what needs doing to heal them. For the moment, I think I can live with the protecting scab and just silently pray that they don't get ripped off again anytime soon.

[My apologies for the censorship but it is necessary for continued harmony.]

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Wands