December 1999

Postive Outlook.

As you can see it’s a new month and there for a new look. Also, I’ve decided that the world is definitely not going to end with the new millennium and therefore have made space in my journal for the archives of the upcoming year. Besides, according to the Jewish calendar, this is the year 5760.

I've been talking back and forth with a guy who found my website about a month ago and sent me some fan mail. I get fan mail about twice a month and it's always a nice surprise and an ego boost. Turns out, this guy is in Hayward and is in a small LARP there. I just found out that he used to run the LARP but resigned after his LARP troupe got jumped by a gang in Castro Valley last Friday. I was really surprised and I feel angry that this happened to him and his friends. I have a feeling of protectiveness towards these guys because they are gamers. That sort of thing shouldn't happen to anyone.

He's invited me to come play Elizabeth as a visiting dignitary to his LARP's court. I'm thinking I'm going to take him up on his offer. (And bring someone like EricL or DJ with me!) I have this vague idea that perhaps these guys would like to join Bedlam's Rest and perhaps I can turn it into some sort of IC thing. I'm not sure. I really can't tell much about him or his friends just from the emails. That's why I'm going to play in their game once or twice and get a friend to come with me. Then we can decide how to proceed.

But, I'm going to have a positive attitude and assume all is going to go well. If nothing else, we may get some new blood for Bedlam's Rest. (No. Not literally.)

Spoilers as usual.

BUFFY: Buffy was full of silly fun with Willow’s spell going awry. Buffy and Spike were disgustingly gooey sweet. Maybe now, Willow will climb out of her funk over Oz leaving. (We all know he’s going to be back.) The look on Riley’s face when Buffy told him she was engaged was just priceless. Her hasty explanation of it all later was pretty good, too.

ANGEL: Oh, pooh. I knew it was coming but I still sobbed all the way through the ending. I’m really going to miss Doyle. Just when he and Cordelia were hitting it off so well, too. Yes, he went in an awesomely heroic manner, but darn it! I want Doyle back! I’m hoping the Oracles or ‘the powers that be’ will do something in the future. I mean, Angel came back from hell.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Cups

Geek Cornucopia

I've posted "Pangborn Nomads", the first Chapter of Through Raphael's Ring. Actually, it's posted but not connected to the rest of my website. I'm still considering it to be in the rough draft phase, but since I've been talking about it so much back and forth in this journal, I thought I'd let you all get a peek at it - assuming you are interested. Feedback is always welcome.

Also, I had an odd dream last night. It wasn't a lot of fun. The Duel - Fighting for the Green Man and the Last Unicorn, I face a friend in a duel to the death.

From the Geeky side of things, I've been convinced by my good friend Rhysanus to help him GM a Star Wars channel on IRC called the Derthga Downs on the RPGworlds net. It's supposed to be a cantina on the Derthga Station, located off of Dantoonie, near the Greater Ploorid Cluster. We've set the timing just before Episode 4: A New Hope (26PA AKA 78,136). Mostly because that's the time period I'm most familiar with. And for the super geek in all of us, I even created a website for the channel. If you want, come by and say hello. My character is Keelin Rollag.

It's one week until my birthday. I turn 29. I haven't really decided how I feel about it. Some days, I feel way too old, like I'm past my prime. Other days, I feel very comfortable and happy were my life is. Sometimes, I wonder if I should "grow up" and become a "grown up." Most of the time, I just laugh at the idea. A lot of times, I really don't think of myself as an adult or someone who's grown up. I guess I'd feel more like an adult if I was married or had kids or something.

Actually, I'm pretty lucky. I can go and do as I want, when I want. Yeah, there are times when I wish I had someone to answer to or consult with. But, for now, I think I'll enjoy my freedom.

Thanks to Kevin, I've discovered just what kind of gaming geek I am! Currently, I'm in:

I'm about to add:

And, when I can, play around online, in Derthga Downs.

That books up my Thursday and Fridays evenings and 90% of my Saturdays automatically. I am such a gaming geek.

Had dinner with Jane last night at a Chinese place in Redwood City called Joy Meadow. It was really good. Specializes in chicken, seafood and vegetarian dishes. Jane and I talked a lot about various things, places, people and relationships. She and I are in the same boat, mostly, relationship-wise, that is.

Oh! And I have the worst case of office envy! She has her own LARGE window office, with a door! It’s wonderful. I want an office like hers. Come to think of it, I want a job like hers. She is a research specialist. She finds out things for various Law firms and such - statistics, connections, researching expert witnesses. All kinds of neat things like that.

You know, I could do that. Get a masters degree in Library Sciences… and become a research specialist…. *hmmmm*

Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Swords, Reversed

Not Traumatic or Dramatic.

I’ve posted the newest Tales of the Iridium Rose episode called: Twi’lek of the Gods? It’s a fun episode explaining how we get two new crewmembers and a brand new ship!

Don’t hate me. All of my Christmas shopping is done.

*ducks flying object*

And it all cost less than I expected.

*ducks again and the leaps over the low blow*

Actually, as much as I like giving things to other people, I really do hate Christmas/Holiday shopping. People are so uptight at the Mall and around town. For a season that is supposed to be spent in celebration, there are an awful lot of unhappy people out there. It seems rather paradoxical to me.

I did it. Last month, I decided that since I had not seen my natural hair color (due to perms, highlighting, glossing, etc…) for about twelve years now, that I would go back to my natural hair color to see what it it looked like. Now, this is not as easy as it sounds.

First, I don’t want the awful colorline that you get from going lighter to darker.

Second, the roots always come out darker and fad with the exposure to the sun.

So, what Michelle (my hair dresser) did was match the hair color to my roots in a hope that when it grows out, as the dye fades, it will match with the roots as they grow and fade out. Hopefully, it will be a nice blend of colors that don’t look too bad or unprofessional.

The other thing is I remember that hair was actually rather odd - calico almost with a base of a light brown/dark blond with natural streaks of light blond, dark brown and red. I remember hating it because a lot of people automatically assumed that I dyed my hair to get that unusual streaking. We shall see.

When Michelle was done and I looked in the mirror, I wasn’t shocked as I thought I would be. In fact, it was rather untraumtic. I just look more like my sister now. And it must not have been that dramatic, absolutely NO ONE who saw me commented on my hair at all. I can’t tell if this is a good start or not.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Sun, Reversed

DEBT FREE!!!

*MUCH FAN FARE* *SPARKLES FIREWORKS SHOOTING STARS* *TICKER TAPE PARADE*

So it is written. So it is done. My final goal has been met. I am debt free.

Fifteen months ago, after having been in debt for the last eight and a half years - severely in debt for the last three - I decided that I was going to become debt free by the year 2000 if it meant eating Top Ramen for the rest of those fifteen months… even if it killed me. I had three definite milestones:

I completely the first milestone as of July 8, 1999.

I completed the second milestone as of September 1, 1999.

I completed the third milestone as of October 22, 1999. But, I had a backslide to Goal #1 when I had to buy a new home computer on credit card or go without any. So, knowing I had a good Signing bonus coming, I decided to get a computer I really wanted with all the bells and whistles. Since then, I have been waiting for my Signing bonus and my credit card bill to arrive at a coinciding time.

That day was yesterday.

I got my check and smiled. I quietly put it away until I could go home and pay my bills. My commute home was all in a haze. I would break out into these little wiggling happy dances of joy in my seat and then calm down into a blissful state. I must have looked rather silly.

Got home. Check email and then got my bills to do. I balanced my checkbook (on the first try thankyouverymuch) and paid all my bills - leaving the BIG one for last. As I wrote the check, I murmured, “With this check, I dispel thee.” And then I sealed the envelopes, used my brand new “Critters” address labels and my brand new “Victorian Heart” stamps and to the mail they went.

After that, I was feeling happy and spastic. Like maybe I should have had a little ritual ceremony thanking the Powers That Be for helping this all happen.

Actually, I don’t feel that much different than before. Maybe it’s going to take a couple of days for me to really realize that that millstone around my neck is actually gone.

Moving day at the office was interesting. I had all of 10 minutes worth of packing for my office since I've been a smart girl and not brought in anything personal to decorate my cube, yet. It's made for a very dull cube month for me. But, on the other hand, I got to leave the office early!

I heard the call for help to set up some of the more critical servers over at the new building. Since I hadn't actually seen the new building or where my new office was, I decided that now would be a good time to put in some face time with the Founder of the company and my VP. So, I volunteered to help. I spent the next 90 minutes hauling boxes and computer equipment.

Net result: Moved stuff, good karma points with one of the principle architects, my VP and me becoming dirty, dusty, tired, sweaty and blistered. (No, I wasn't dressed to move stuff. No, I didn't think of that when I volunteered. Ah, well.) However, I have seen my new office. It's a 10 x 10 cube that is very open and is in the back and has a window! Nice view of trees and parking lot. I like it! It really is a nice office building. I can’t wait to really start decorating it.

Oh my Gosh! Johanna pointed this out to me last night. Now, before you see it - this is just art. A statement by the Polish artist Zbigniew Libera. You have to see it to believe it. Concentration Camp Legos. I have to admit that I was rather horrified by it.

Tarot Card for the Day: Knight of Wands, Reversed

Not Worrying.

I spent most of yesterday indulging in a game of Sekt Valir. It was pretty good. My healer character now has a smart-assed sword named Guider. She (the sword) is the sword of Wisdom and is one of seven major artifacts that will help bring about the Fourth age of this world.

I’ve been thinking about this over the last couple of days and I decided that I’m going to take on the “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” motto for the rest of the year (century, millennium) because now that I’m debt first and have reached that major life goal I want a little breather before I leap into my new obsession of health and fitness. Also, while I don’t believe that the world is going to end on the millennium, if it is, I want my last days to be filled with happiness and joy. Not denial and hard work. Makes sense, yes?

Tonight is Bedlam’s Rest and I get to wear my new black velvet dress with the side slits! *yeah* I can’t wait. When I feel good, it shines through. I don’t think anyone is going to notice the difference in my hair since no one has yet. (Or, perhaps they just haven’t commented on it.) Maybe Johanna can get a good picture or two of me, my hair and my dress with her new toy - the digital camera she finally received after much more trouble that she should have had to deal with.

I expect tonight to be a hubbub of disapproval and panic because of some of the Prince’s decrees. Either that or series of cloak and dagger meetings. Me? I’m just going to try to stand there and look good. A serene figure in the middle of the whirling chaos. Ha! That’s what I always try for. I never succeed because I am always drawn into the midst of the chaos. But, it’s always good fun.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Pentacles, Reversed

Gamer Geek.

Last night I indulged in one of my favorite pastimes of LARPing - Bedlam's Rest, of course. It was an eventful evening to say the least. Prince Audran first began the evening with a speech about the Domain being in danger and telling about some new changes in an administration

• The Seneschal stepping down from his position of Primogen to concentrate on his expanding duties as Seneschal.
• Me being promoted from my position as Herald to the position of Toreador Primogen.
• John Kale being moved into the position of Herald.

Then, the Prince went on to strip the Ventrue Primogen of his ties of blood because of his betrayal of this domain and offered him a choice - Immediate Execution, Blood hunt or Trial by Combat. He, of course, choose Trial by Combat. The Prince's Champion ended up being the Malkavian Primogen. (The Nos and the Malk settled who would get the honor by roshambo.) The Ventrue Primogen was incapacitated (Malkavian 'prank' of letting him live to frenzy and ultimately resulting in the death of a Toreador who was out of disfavor.)

Then came the Prince's Edicts. Oh, yes. He is tightening the screws. Afterwards, a Primogen meeting about the Edicts and then an invitation to the Prince and Seneschal to discuss clarifications of the Edicts in regards to the Primogen. Man! Brian (playing Prince Audran) is a silver tongued devil! He turned a potentially nasty situation into one that made him look quite good. Of course, it was gratifying to know that he and the Seneschal felt it necessary take some serious precautions before meeting with us.

It is going to be a fine line to walk to do my duty as Primogen and to follow my loyalty to the Prince. And I think I'm going to enjoy every minute of it. Especially with my new clan whip. I believe that Corianna and Elizabeth are going to start making some serious waves - at least in some arenas.

OH! Yes. Elizabeth looked darned good last night - both dress wise and status-wise. (But, I take crappy pictures.) Gain Cam Status and Toreador Status. And DJ is looking into the Elder Status, which he has a couple Yes's to already! *happy!*

OK. So, I'm a Gamer Geek. I know it. And I'm working on 2.5 hours of sleep.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Pentacles

New Office.

Man. What a day. Working on 2.5 hours of sleep sucks! And I couldn’t even call in since I had to put my car in the shop for the next week. I’m renting a Saturn S2L. The Saturn as a lot going for it - ride, handling, feel. But there are a few things I don’t like. It’s noisy. It’s uncomfortable to get in and out of and I can’t get the seat adjusted to the way I want it to be. But, all in all, it will do for the next week or so.

I love my new office. The window is great. It’s spacious and open. The bathrooms are clean and pretty. There’s only one problem so far - I keep getting lost! We have a two story building and a LOT of cubes and no one has their decorations up yet. So, there are no landmarks. I got lost three times yesterday. Part of it was the unfamiliar territory. Part of it was that I was incredible tired. So tired that I took a nap when I got home.

I’ll start bringing in my pictures and such to decorate my new office. It will be nice to have personality in my cube again. My pictures, dragons, cloth. Stuff like that to make my office feel more comfortable.

Tarot Card for the Day: Justice, Reversed

Grumpy Day

I found something else to seriously dislike about the Saturn S2L I'm driving. It has a feature that I was not aware of. Apparently, this 'safety' feature is a locking ignition switch that requires you to yank on the steering wheel as you turn the key in order to get the key to turn at all. Yes. I did have to call the Rental place to find this out. No. I wasn't a happy camper.

Also, I keep smacking my head as I get in and out of the car. I really don't like the way they cut the doors. I will never buy a car that I have to worry about hitting my head whenever I exit or enter the car. You can bet that I am not going to buy a Saturn S2L anytime in the near (or far) future.

Oh, yeah. The Tarot Card for yesterday was right on. I have to pay $271 for my ticket. $300 if I want to do traffic school - PLUS $12 for the course. *grump* This bites! *grump* *grump* *grump*

BUFFY: *ACK* It was a rerun. The series premiere where Buffy was completely lost most of the time and Willow was totally in her element. Though, I have to say, next week’s episode looks CREEPY!

ANGEL: And, of course, Angel was a repeat, too. Not the premeire but like the second episode. Angel’s still into the brooding thing and he gains his contact on the Police force.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Wands

Happy Birthday to Me.

It’s my birthday. I’m 29. I don’t feel any older.

Apparently, when I set up my ICQ a long, long time ago, I set some sort of preference that either allows people to know my birthday or actually sends out a reminder to people that it's my birthday. I'm assuming it is to people who have me on their list and not to the people I have on my list.

In any case, I suddenly started receiving the cutest ICQ, Amazon.com and other electronic Birthday cards in the mail. It was such an unexpected and pleasant surprise. It made me smile.

I finally actually set up my Wish List on Amazon.com. My parents and various friends were nattering at me to do so. It is a neat idea. It made some of my shopping really easy this year.

Funny. Along with my own personalized "Journals I read" page, I've started reading all the journals on the SFBAJ and WebRats pages about once a week. Mostly when I'm bored at work or just avoiding work. This is not to say that the journals on SFBAJ and WebRats aren't worth reading on a daily basis. Far from it. I rather enjoy them. It's just to mention that it seems I know have three pages of OLJs that I read on a fairly regular basis. How many people's lives can one person be a silent voyeur to?

I've just joined the California Diarist list serve. Apparently, they are having a get together on the 12th. I don't know if I can make it but, if I can, that would be quite neat. Thanks to Eleanor of Ellipses for the information.

I've been pondering joining a Novel Dare. Patrick spoke of a sort of Novel Dare and Karen did, too. In particular, she pointed to Ron Collins' journal entry on the concept. Basically, shoot for 60, 000 words in 30 days. Try to finish the novel within that 30 days. But, Ron cautions that this isn't necessarily a done deal in 30 days. This is just the first draft. Then, you have to go back and edit it.

I'm pondering doing the Novel Dare for Black Premiere, my 1980's pulp Spy/Mercenary novel that I literally dreamed up the plotline. I have some stuff written already, but to tell you the truth - it's crap. I wrote it up 3 years ago when I had the dream. I know my writing style and ability has improved dramatically since then. So, I think I'll start from the beginning.

Then again, I could use it on Through Raphael’s Ring.

If I do this novel dare, it will be for the month of January. I've never done anything like this before. Should be interesting.

Now... to figure out how I'm going to write 2000+ words a day and exercise and work my 9-5 job...

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Pentacles

Lasik & LaserVue

I was watching TV last night and caught a show on something called Lasik by LaserVue. It is laser corrective surgery for the eye. Correcting near sightedness and far sightedness. It’s expensive, not covered by insurance and, apparently, in 99% of cases, really works and works well. It’s been something I’ve been thinking about for a while. Something I want to do in the year 2000.

I would love to have my eyes corrected. I am tired of worrying about glasses and contacts. However, I am extremely squeamish about my eyes and am very leery about anyone going anywhere near my eyes with a laser. Yes, there is a chance for complications. Of course, I had to pick the personal Lasik journal that described, in great detail, exactly what did go with his surgery, to read first. But, all of the other journals I read seemed to be mostly or very positive.

Boy, scarey thoughts. I’ve sent away for a brochure and for the videotape. We’ll see what I get. There are centers in San Francisco, Walnut Creek and Mountain View. Obviously, I would try for the Mountain View one. If I do get this surgery, I’m going to take a week off work and get someone to nursemaid me. I’m such a wimp and I know it.

Took my birthday off so I could just relax and enjoy. The local radio station, 104.9, wished me Happy Birthday cause I had emailed them a couple of days ago. It was neat to hear my name on the radio. And they played one of my favorite songs, “Take on Me” by A-HA. I went shopping. Bought a new book and a couple of cool pairs of shoes.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Tower, Reversed

Tax Break, Anyone?

I've decided that I would be a very good tax loss. I don't know if I've mentioned it before. If I have - oh, well. Here it goes again.

First, I make myself a "For Profit" corporation. Then, I find investors to invest in me. What are they investing in? My ability to write and to become a successful, marketable writer. Now, mind you - I'm specifically going for those incredibly wealthy - and dotty - people who have so much money that they need to invest it in something that is going to show a loss on their investment. These people will be paying a certain (large to me) sum of money for a small percentage of all the NET profit I make in selling my work. Say... $50,000-$75,000 per 1% of my net profit per year. I’d let people invest up to 40% of my net profit.

I think it's a perfectly grand idea. I get paid to... er invested in... to write for a living, not having to worry about a daily 9-5 job (that isn't writing) and they get either the tax loss they really need or, when I do become successful, they get a piece of my net profit for the year - royalties in book sales, movie adaptations, TV shows, Guest speaking fees, etc...

Now... to find my venture capitalist!

My "Tower, Reversed" was right. It's official. I have no more "work at home on Thursdays" now. *poo* Ah, well. I knew it couldn't last and my "selfish ambition" was indeed undone. That's OK. I'm pouty but I really don't mind that much.

We had our company's 3rd anniversary party after work. It was more of a meeting with a game show and food. Lots of food. However, I ate a late lunch and wasn't particularly hungry. It's neat being at a start up company. They look for serious perks for the employees. Starting Monday, for the next three weeks, the company is going to be buying lunch for everyone, Monday thru Thursday. We will be trying out a different caterer each week. At the end of the four weeks, we are going to see how it's worked out with both the caterers and company partcipation.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Fool, Reversed

Star Wars Binging

Strange dream from Friday night: Enemy Mine - Through various settings, I am set upon by an unknown enemy. My friend in the dream reminded me of my friend Walkyr, but with short hair.

Before the Star Wars game that I run, I drove Alex and Johanna to a house in Martinez. From the outside, it looks very promising. We were even greeted by the Matriarchal alpha feline. First, as she would not budge from 'her' parking space (I had to go a little up to avoid her) and then she followed us to the house and extracted her proper pettage. The house itself has a great roof. The yards are OK. I wish we could have seen the insides of it. It's a nice neighborhood. Quiet and almost impossible to get lost in.

Of course, this made start thinking about my situation and wanting my own house with NO roommates. *sigh* Someday.

Then came the Star Wars game at Bob's. Full house. My plotlines are coming together nicely. Unfortunately, I gave one person a crucial clue and when it was time for him to reveal that clue, he has decided to walk out of the room - I think for a drink. It was very frustrating for me as a GM because this whole group was working so well as a team, each one contributing to the whole and slowly piecing the puzzle together. I had to bite my tongue several times not to feed them the crucial clue. Ah well, looks like things go the hard way. I figure 2 more sessions or so and the major two plotline will be finished.

Obviously, I got home very late with Star Wars on the brain. So, immediately, I fell asleep dreaming of Star Wars plots and then dreaming of putting my players through those plotlines. Kinda weird, actually. I don't remember any of the plotlines either.

First, the game was at a house. Then that game was at Sci-Fi convention. Then, I guess my brain got tired of the gaming thing and we switched to a house again. It is very disjointed and rather violent actually. Something about a man who harassed and tortured people for fun and once he was done with them, he killed them, mounting their heads on the fence in the backyard. There was something about him choosing me as his next victim and as I was his first female, he had some special tortures planned. I remember something about running through the neighborhood - running passed Akien's house where he was having a pool party. I saw Rob and CJ but I didn't stop.

Then, I ended up back at the convention and it was DJ who was the psycho. He chased me all over the hotel. Then, I guess that my brain decided enough of the violence and turned it much more of a consensual *ahem* type dream but DJ and I couldn't seem to hook up with each other because of obligations, loosing track of each other and stuff like that. I also remember running into Greg at the Con at one point.

Very disjointed. Lots of flashing images.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Cups

Meeting the Kitties

It was a pretty slow, relaxing day. Not a whole lot happened.

I went over to Michael's house to meet his kitties, Newton and Jefferson. I will be cat sitting for Michael over the Christmas Holiday. Jefferson immediately hid from me. Newton immediately examined my purse and then me and then decided I was worthy enough to pet him. I played with Newton from a while and then Michael and I went to lunch at Max's Opera Café. Once we got back, Michael snagged Jefferson and introduced him to me. After a few moments, Jefferson decided that I was acceptable, too. After that, Michael showed me all the necessary cat items and such.

It's pretty cool. I can't have a pet right now. So, I live vicariously through other people's pets. I just have to remember to take my Sudafed and my lint brush before I go over.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Swords, Reversed

Burbs, Burbs and More Burbs

I shamelessly plugged the SFBAJ on the CA Diarist list-serve. Boy, am I glad. Rachel of Rachal's Daily Dairy wrote me back and said she was going to link SFBAJ on Open Pages Burb list. I didn't even know it existed. Wow! Cool! I just joined a number of burbs.

Fen Journals - Because I am a huge science fiction and fantasy fan.
From the 80's - Because I am a child of the 80's.
Non-Pussies - Because I hand code my website - all of it.
Highway 101 - Because I live in CA and drive 101 on a daily basis.
Twin Journals - Because, though I don't talk much about him, I have a fraternal twin.
Gamers - Because (as if you didn't know) I'm a super gaming geekette.

*bounce*bounce*bounce* Happy day.

Even though this month is free of having an obsession, I realized that one has to get ready for a new obsession. At least, this particular one of health and fitness. I visualize myself exercising, eating right and feeling good. I am pondering joining a support group to help me through the rough spots and to have people to identify with.

But, I've also decided that I needed to set up a reward system. That way, it's not weight goals that I'm rooting for… it's the 'little' reward waiting for me. Things like a Pedicure/Manicure or a new tattoo or a massage or a new corset. All sorts of things. Things that make me smile and make me think that, yes, indeed, I can reach these goals.

I've figured out that any challenge is 50% attitude and mental conquest. 40% is hard work and sweat. 5% is circumstances and 5% is pure dumb (good or bad) luck.

Yes. I really believe that.

So, I'm well on my way to being completely set up for my new obsession. Soon, I will have everything ready and no excuse not to start it on January 1.

OK. Depending on the hangover factor - January 1 or January 2.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Pentacles, Reversed

That Weekly Thing.

I'm kinda bummed. I'm not going to have my car back until Friday at the earliest. That is a week longer and about $200 more than I expected. Makes me wonder if I did the right thing by having the dents taken care of. Too late now. *grump*

It was a really long busy day at work. I spent two hours at the end of yesterday entering in the PRs into the database that I found doing some emergency testing of a product that is going out on Thursday. Of course, I didn't get the QA assignment until yesterday morning. Such is the life of a QA Engineer.

BUFFY: OK. I have to say, that was one of the more creepy Buffy episodes I've seen to date. It had a whole lot of little things going for it. Giles' love interest. Willow's new witch friend. Riley and Buffy getting together and finally, through odd circumstances, revealing more about each other to each other. My only gripe - we don't get to see the conversation between Buffy and Riley where they try to explain to each other what exactly they were doing and how come both are such excellent fighters, etc…

I have to admit, I'm really starting to like Riley an awful lot.

ANGEL: Well. It wasn't stellar but it did have it's good moments. Like the first time Wesley, "the Rogue Demon Hunter", showed up. He certainly put on a good first impression… until he opened his mouth, that is. I wonder if he's going to become a regular. Doyle's inept replacement. I also wonder if Cordelia is ever going either get a commercial or learn to act. Oh, yeah. Cordelia getting the visions is an interesting twist.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Swords

Seasonal Torture.

I played around with my Russian Gypsy Fortune Telling cards today. Interesting reading. I got the following:

Bread (in the #3 position) - Wish fulfillment. That which I wish for will eventually come true.

Handshake (in the #3 position) - Vigilance in important relationships. All good relationships need work and maintenance. Be sure to strengthen them.

Mountains (in the #1 position) - Enemy approaches. This is a very strong sign that there is someone who means you harm in some way - be it a backstabbing co-worker, someone looking to rob your house. Strong vigilance is needed to guard from this.

Stars (in the #1 position) - The Guide to all my goals. This is the symbol of dreamers and inspiration. This is a sign to not give up one's dreams. They will be realized.

I've been in a serious "See food. Eat food." mood for the last two days. I don't know why. It might be 'Winter is coming.' syndrome. It might be hormonal. I'm not sure. I just know I've been hungry a lot lately. It's very annoying. I can't even tell if it's cycle related.

Wrapping Christmas presents. Is there any greater torture during the holiday season besides the incessant Christmas music playing everywhere? I SUCK at wrapping gifts. You can always tell it's me. Either it is in a gift bag or in this pathetic excuse for a wrapping job that has rips in the paper, uneven edges and way too much tape. I mean, why do we do it anyway? It just destroys trees, then gets ripped up and tossed out.

Even the esteemed Dr. Kevin Jones admits to being all thumbs when it comes to wrapping presents. "[It's] ... my yearly lesson in humility." He told me when we got on the subject of Christmas and Christmas gifts.

I have to say that I loath those people who show up with picture perfect gifts with matching bows, ribbons and tags. I really loath those who pick a 'theme' for their wrapping. One year, a friend chose "Winnie the Pooh" as her wrapping theme - complete with Tigger on the ribbon. Another year, she decided it was a 'Metallic' theme - metallic purple with gold ribbon. She used to look at the present I gave her with its twine and rough edges and smile condescendingly at my pathetic wrapping job, saying "Next year, Hon, I'll show you my wrapping secret."

It took a lot for me not to shove that roll of wrapping paper where the sun don't shine.

Oh, yeah. I'm in the Christmas spirit.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Swords

Western Front

I think I now know why I've been in a "See food. Eat food." mood for the past couple of days. And why I've been so thirsty lately. And why it's been so hard to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. Yesterday morning, I had an all too familiar tightness and dryness of the throat that made swallowing hard. Unlike Eleanor, I silently begged the PeeTeeBee that it be just 'morning dry throat.' But, as I got up, noticing all the little aches and pains, tender throat and stuffed up nose, it dawned on me that the reason I have been so hungry, thirsty and tired is because my body has been fighting off an infection. Great. And I've been pounding the soda when I should have been pounding the water. Like Heather, I fortify my body with lots of water and Vitamin C at the first sign of a cold or infection.

Seems that, being the good friends that we are, and even though I haven't seen Johanna in a couple of days, she's coming down with something, too. Figures. Sometimes, I think we are joined at the immune system as well as the brain. Of course, since I've been watching "The Stand" all week with Skippy, the Super Virus, getting sick hasn't been very reassuring.

Yes. I did make it into work yesterday but I wasn't happy about. I ended up going home early to crash for a few hours. Tonight's Star Wars game ought to be really interesting with both me and Johanna on cold medicines. I hope Alex will be ready for two loopy players. For now though, I'm actually feeling OK. Yes, all is quiet on the Western Front for the moment. Let's hope it stays that way.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Swords, Reversed

The Good and the Bad.

Bad Thing: Spent way to much time wrapping Christmas gifts.
Good Thing: I'm done. No more wrapping.

Bad Thing: While wrapping gifts, I discovered that I had forgotten to order my Father's gift.
Good Thing: I was able to order it and it will arrive next week (and before Christmas).

Bad Thing: I'm not going to get my car back until next Tuesday.
Good Thing: The Autobody shop will be paying for my rental car from now until I pick mine up.

Bad Thing: My Star Wars game was cancelled.
Good Thing: Gave me time to wash clothes.

Confession time. This is something I was pondering last night. I've always had a thing for Wonder Woman's jewelry. I always loved her gold bracelets and tiara. Oh, not the exact same things or exact same style.... But I love the thick gold cuff bracelets. And the bullet proof thing was cool. She had it good. No one looked at her funny. If a 'normal' person wore the same type of bracelets and tiara, they'd be laughed off the street.

I also love big thick gold necklaces. Not the super shiney ones. The ones that are brushed gold. And unique. With designs. My friend Laurel wore a matching necklace and bracelet combination at the last game we had. It was *stunning*. Beautiful, elegant, heavy. Just like I like. I like necklaces with a sense of weight. I'm not sure why. Maybe I like to be reminded of them. Maybe it's something deeper. Perhaps my jewerly fetish goes along with some of my racier BDSM fetishes.

I think I'll stop right there. I'm sure a lot of my face-to-face friends really don't want me to wax poetic about my kinks. I think most of them know more than they really want to know.

They probably don't want to hear about my clothes fetishes either. So... I'll leave that for another day and for now, suffice it to say that it involves a lot of leather, knives and cool gadgets.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Pentacles, Reversed

Fine Traditions.

Yesterday was fine day for tradition. Arrived at Johanna's at the appointed time to see that Johanna wasn't quite ready. Actually, the house wasn't quite ready either. Both of these are fine traditions that I fully expect. *grin* Especially Johanna not being ready. I do tease her about it upon occasion. Actually, I have to admit, the house was especially chaotic looking as Alex was putting together the new entertainment cabinet - which is very, very snazzy.

Since Johanna needed to assist her dear hubby with things, Lisa and I took off for the mall. The mall, of course, was incredibly crowded - with it being the last weekend before Christmas and all. But, we had a grand time window shopping until 5pm to meet Johanna at Macy's for our makeovers... What we didn't know was that there were two Macy's in the mall. We, of course, went to the wrong one first.

Also, in what appears to be a new Sunvalley Mall tradition, I seem to wear the WRONG shoes to walk over there and then to mall walk. I was wearing a pair of beautiful suede pumps that are comfortable for normal wear but SUCK when it comes to extended walking. My feet hurt so bad that I stopped half way through and bought a pair of comfy walking shoes. This is the second time I've had to do this at this mall.

I bought some stuff at the Clique counter - a 'barely there' foundation, a toner, a moisturizer and then lipstick with a lip liner. Probably the only time I'm going to wear the lipstick is for LARPs, but that's OK. It's a very elegant dark red shade.

From there, we headed back to Johanna's place for the Christmas party - which was now miraculously clean... though, we were not allowed in the den... something about dark corners with unknown inhabitants and being afraid for the cat's life. Johanna and Alex throwing a Christmas party has become somewhat of a tradition over the last 3-4 years. The party was wonderful. Much merriment by all - so much so that the neighbors pounded on the ceiling at 11:30pm because we were too noisy. (I will be so glad when Johanna and Alex get a house.)

I, btw, scored big time on Christmas gifts - a CD rack, amber (without bugs) earrings, gift certificates, a snazzy 2000 calendar and a DVD. I'm dead cuffed about the earrings (from Johanna and Alex). They are supremely cool - large beveled teardrops of a very dark amber. They match my hair and skin tone. Now I have two pairs of *nice* earrings.

Headed home a little before midnight to discover that the Fremont police put up an alcohol awareness stop (literally) in front of my house. There must have been 10 officers out there. I live on a frontage road and they were on the main road. Fortunately, I passed them coming in and was able to bypass them when I turned onto the frontage road to go home. I got to listen to the officers rather nicely and politely caution drivers about drinking and driving over the holiday season. Once I got inside, I was able to still see them from my den. They were still going strong when I went to bed.

All in all, it was fine day. I enjoyed it much.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Pentacles

Peanut Wishes.

Charles Schultz, author of the Peanuts, is retiring. His last comic strip will be on January 4th (daily), Feb 13th (Sunday). I've thinking of things I'd like to see for Peanuts gang:

Charlie Brown: Kicks the football, Gets the little red haired girl, Catches the baseball, Deals with the kite eating tree.

Snoopy: Gets his book published, Beats the Red Baron at a dog fight.

Lucy: Finally gets together with Schroder.

Sally: Finally gets together with Linus.

Linus: Loses the security blanket, Stands up to Lucy, Finally gets to meet the Great Pumpkin.

Schroder: Gets to play on a real piano in a real concert.

Peppermint Patty: Finally realizes she's a lesbian and starts dating Marcy.

What other things can you think of that you'd like to see happen with the Peanuts gang?

Dreamage from Saturday night: Alternate Buffy - One of the Slayerettes, I must save Buffy from an evil wizard who is killing off all of the Buffys in all Universes. In one Universe, after I watched Buffy die at the hands of this wizard, I sacrifice myself so that I may save Buffy in the Sunnydale Universe.

Sounds like it could make an interesting fan fiction story. If I ever had the inclination to write a Buffy story.

It was really quiet yesterday with both Scott and Donna gone on vacation. I revamped Diablo's Children front page yesterday. Mostly because I really didn't want to have that website up and running since I'm now hosting Bloodletters, the Bedlam's Rest LARP newsletter, on my website now too.

Tarot Card for the Day: Eight of Wands

Millennial Mistake.

Millennial Mistake
(Tongue firmly in cheek)

The world is ending, they're taking bets,
Stocking ammunition, booze and cigarettes!
The world is ending, pull the plug.
It's all because of this 'Y2K' bug!

No, "Armageddon is coming." - that's what they say.
Evangelists demand, "On your knees and pray!"
Behind your back they snicker at their luck.
This Millennium thing's great for a buck!

There's the other side that worships the dropping New York ball.
The Millennium New Year's Party will be the highlight of it all.
No more grand a celebration will there ever be.
This is the greatest time to be alive, don't you see!

Now, I was watching this dichotomy of the human will.
A tribute to the paranoia, optimism, true grit and skill.
I knew that there was something that must be said.
I stepped to the mic with clear conscious and proud head...

I coughed a little, got their attention and began to speak.
Little did I know, that I was now up the creek.
"I don't mean to stop all your Millennium 'fun' -
But, technically, the Millennium begins at 2001."

Baleful eyes filled with paranoia, distain and dread,
turned towards me as one, making me turn red.
"It's true." I mumbled in a defense incredibly weak.
That's when I realized... No one likes a math geek.

© 1999 Eden Blackthorn

(Now... with that said.... *hehehehe*)

I've been thinking of putting together a Survival kit. No. Not just because of the Y2K paranoia. Seriously, a Survival kit that would be good for Earthquakes, Hurricanes, Y2K stuff - whatever. One of those "just in case" things. I'm trying to figure out what to put in one.

These are the things I've been thinking of:

Food: 1 gallon of water, canned (or otherwise) food for a week - including dried fruits, pasta and dried beans or rice, vitamins

Non Food: first aide kit, flashlight with extra batteries, an extra set of clothing - including extra socks and underwear, candles, matches, a reading book, a blanket, aspirin, cold medicine, radio, can opener (very important!), wrench, screwdriver, soap, water purification system, pot, $40 in cash

And a large portable rubber/plastic sealable tub to put it all in.

Did I miss anything? Is this overkill? Anyone know of any survival lists? What about a smaller Survival kit for the car?

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Swords

The War is On!

I have to admit, I'm -really- liking Donna and Scott not being here. I love having the house to myself. I love having the driveway to myself and not having to jockey around Scott's friends or their cars. Heck, I really like the freedom of being able to walk around the house naked if I want to. I love the fact that things are exactly where I put them down when I look for them and that I'm not constantly falling over Scott's shoes.

It's enough to want to look for my own place again. Enough to 'settle' for an apartment if need be. I feel... stifled here. Not free to be myself. Yes, I have full house privileges. I'm practically a pseudo daughter to Donna. She treats me very well. And yet, I'm restless, discontent.

Maybe that's what all the swords mean. I am growing, transforming, transitioning into a new phase of life.

Then again, it could be the "military brat" three year itch or PMS.

Now, having said all that, let me tell you about my day. I woke up, sick as a dog - stuffed up, headachy, feverish, wrote an email to my boss and then headed back to bed for a couple more hours. When I woke up, I was still feeling bad but couldn't sleep anymore. I took some DayQuil (good stuff) and walked into my fire hazard of a den.

As I stood there, looking at my den that was buried under boxes, fast food bags, papers, trash, books piled EVERYWHERE and stuff... stuff covered everything... I felt something come over me. (Maybe the medicine kicking in?) I had had enough. I wanted a clean den. "That's it. The war is on." I muttered to myself and then, in my sick and feverish condition, I attacked the den with a fierceness that I rarely show when cleaning.

I really hate to clean.

But, somehow I did it. It took me six hours with frequent breaks and the admonishment to eat when I felt my heart pounding too hard and my hands shaking uncontrollably. Six hours later, I had even vacuumed the floor, straightened both book shelves and organized both my videos and CDs. My den is open, spacious and finally clean. It's a good feeling and I am very tired.

Only, now... I can feel my bedroom... the mess that it is... Clothing everywhere, junk covering every surface, bed unmade. All of it mocking me. Taunting me. Telling me that I may have vanquished den but I will never manage to do the same to it. There's too much to do. Too many clothes to go through, discard, donate or wash... I'd never be able to clean it in one day like I did the smaller of the two foes.

I can feel it. Laughing at me.

Maybe it's just my fever or the cold medicine.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Cups, Reversed

Expired?!

Congratulations to Rob on his new daughter! My best to him and Julie!

I was looking through my checkbook to make sure I had enough money to cover the rental car or my insurance deductible when I happen to glance at my driver's license. It was just a quick glance but long enough for that part of my brain that is always alert to notice something.

Expires 12-09-99

Now, once it noticed that and suspecting it to be important, my brain tapped my conscious mind on the shoulder and said, "Should we be worried about this?"

"Huh?" my conscious mind replied smartly.

"This: Expires 12-09-99"

I flip back to my driver's license to discover that, yes, indeed, I have been driving on an expired license.

Well, screw!

So, I try not to panic - which I do a good job of - I think it's the cold medicine - and call the DMV who tell me that all I need to do is come in, pick up a form and pay $12. I could have done it by mail but since they STILL had my wrong snail mail address, I never got the renewal.

Then, I spent a rather unexciting 90 minutes at the DMV office - 85 of those minutes in line, paid my fee, got my picture taken and was issued a temp license until mine comes in the mail 2 months from now. Joy. Exactly what I wanted to do while I was home sick.

The car saga is at an end, finally. Dante is back and I missed him. However, I did end up paying FIVE HUNDRED dollars to the car rental place. Oh, that's about $200 more than expected. Blast and screw! I can hear my credit card debt climbing! It's going to take me 2 months to pay off this expensive holiday season. *grump*

Then, I got my car back. I did, however, have to listen to the mechanic tell me about my door and how it isn't like he likes it because someone had done an impressive job jury-rigging the door handle with a ball point pen and a twist tie. I put on my best "dumb bunny" look, exclaiming... "Ball point pen?? In my car door?" The mechanic told me how they had fixed the door handle but frankly, he didn't think they had done as good a job as the guy with the ball point pen. He recommended that I get a real replacement fixture for it and he'd fix it for free.

Of course, I wasn't going to own up to the fact that I was there when Jeremy fixed my car door after someone had botched breaking into it. I was the one who had (dubiously) supplied the ball point pen and twist tie. That was a couple of years ago when Jeremy had come to visit me. I remember it well because Jeremy had been wearing all white and had managed to stay spotlessly clean as he fixed my car door.

I'm sure he'll be tickled pink to hear the compliments this mechanic gave him on his jury-rigging job.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Swords, Reversed

OWWIEE!

I went over to help Casey and Mary move out of Elysium. They are going to a nice apartment near Lake Elizabeth that has it's own T1 line. Apparently, it's an apartment building made for rich geeks.

So, I'm over there, feeling a bit better and helping load the truck when, I start to climb up into the truck and then fall flat on my face.... Rather, flat on my knees with a tremendous crash. Oh my, did it hurt. I sat there for a couple of minutes trying not to be too embarrassed as the kids (who was their with their mom help with the move) snickered at me.

I went inside and sat down in a lot of pain - remembering that this was the second time in two weeks that I had done something stupid like this. I knew was going to be useless from the amount of pain I felt going up the stairs. Finally, I decided to head home. I felt bad about it. Casey has helped me move so many times and this is the second time I haven't been able to help.

For the record, I am really happy I have Dante back. He is a real joy to drive. He's bigger, more comfortable and feels like 'home.' I just thought with all my bitching about the Saturn I should mention that I am glad I have my own car back.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hermit, Reversed

Montage

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it. Happy Holidays to everyone else!

I'm cat sitting for Michael. I arrived at his place yesterday to find that the intrepid kitties had already gotten into the cabinet, found the 'hidden' treats and had ripped into two of the three bags! *eekkk* Just what I need, sick kitties and Michael had not been gone even 12 hours, yet. I cleaned up the mess, hid the rest of the treats, fed the kitties and then fretted about them having eaten all those treats.

I broke down and called Michael's Mother and left a message. She seemed to think if the kitties were acting normal, they would be fine. Still... Actually, Jefferson, the scaredy cat of the two, was the one who came out to investigate me first. It made me think that Newton had been the culprit in the treat raiding.

Stayed there an hour and tried to play with them, but they mostly ignored me. We'll see how happy they are to see me next time.

Dreamage from Thursday Night: Me & the CTO - While at the training camp, I am captured as part of a training exercise. Using my feminine charms, I almost manage to distract the CTO who has me captured.

I really want to revamp my front page of my main site. I'm bored with it but I don't how to rearrange it. I played around with Paint Shop Pro but I'm a dufus when it comes to that sort of stuff. I couldn't even figure out how to create a single button. I have to admit, that's one of things that I'm envious of Johanna about. She's really good at the graphic end of HTML and HTML design.

I did a little bit of a redesign but not much. Just made things a little smaller and hopefully a little cleaner. If you have any ideas on what I can do to redesign my front page keeping the same basic colors, please email me. I'd appreciate any suggestions you would give me.

We had our annual Christmas party at Joe's, last night. I have a group of friends who have a unique approach to Christmas giving. Each person submits three 'themes' to the group and the group as a whole votes on which theme they want to buy for you for Christmas. This year, my three themes were: Occult items, DVDs and Rocks. Rocks won. I got the coolest set of rocks, rock stuff and rock books. My favorite is this HUGE piece of quartz that is sorta shaped like a dagger. I'm a very happy camper.

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Wands, Reversed

The Day After

Christmas with the family was pretty good - good food and cool gifts. I got new purple sheets, purple towels and lots of DVDs. My parents, as usual, fell asleep in their chairs very soon after dinner. So, I headed out to visit the kitties who seemed pretty happy to see me.

My parents did finally notice my ankle tattoo. They grumped at me enough about it that I didn't dare mention the other tattoos I have. *grin* What they don't know won't hurt them or me.

I did find one thing out that made me wonder a bit. When I mentioned not hearing from Chris in a long, long time my brother told me that part of the counseling that Chris and Denise are going through was that Chris had to agree not to have any contact with me at all - including not answering emails from me. Scott says that Chris told me this.

No. He didn't. And frankly, I'm a little miffed. Apparently, Denise is so freaking insecure and hates me so much that Chris, who was once one of my best friends, is no longer allowed to speak to me. I have no idea what I did to Denise that makes her hate me so much. According to Scott, it's not anything that I -did-. It's simply the fact that I -exist- and was once Chris' love.

This isn't fair. *sigh* But, I suppose that this is the way it is.

What is it about me that inspires such strong emotions?

Congratulations to Dave and Meghan! They had a Christmas baby - Delenn Aislynn. They are very happy about their third child. Mom and baby are doing well.

I actually went through my Links page, my Gor page, my *AHEM* page and my Stories of Real Life page and updated them - checking all the links and making them a little cleaner.

But, I still haven't figured out what to do with my front page.

Tarot Card for the Day: Knight of Pentacles

Evil Thoughts

Johanna, bless her heart, heard my whining about my front page and made me some gifs. There is no wonder why she's my heart sister.

Yesterday was a fairly subdue day. I washed my sheets, put the new ones on my bed (ahhh... fresh sheets....), created my character binder and visited the kitties - who were sure that since I came a little later than normal - they were starving to death. They still aren't lovey-dovey with me but they both come say hello when I come in and sit near me when I sit down.

I don't know why but occasionally, for no reason at all, I will start having evil thoughts. Not subconsciously. I will deliberately think about evil things I could do... things that would hurt people and animals. These thoughts both fascinate and repulse me. It's like taking a walk in the Twilight Zone or something like that to explore a part of me that I don't want to admit exists. A dark, evil, hateful part of me that I keep under control and hidden - but sometimes, I have to think about these things just to appease this evil side so it won't get too big.

It's so hard to explain.

The thing is, I really believe that I am a good person. I'm compassionate, empathic and giving. I'm also very squeamish. I don't like to think about people in pain or bad things happening. I don't like to think about the possibility of me hurting someone for any reason. Yet, with these thoughts, I know there is a part of me that could do just that.

I think that's the thing that frightens me the most. An individual's potential for evil.

I am a good person who doesn't want to hurt other people. But if I have these awful, evil, explicit thoughts that I can deliberately call to mind whenever I want. Thoughts that make me feel sick... What about those people who aren't nice and really do want to hurt other people?

I can't even begin to imagine the thoughts that they must have.

It makes me shudder just to consider the possibilities.

What's worse is that some of these evil awful thoughts.... or thoughts I consider evil may be considered just and good and appropriate by these "evil" people. (IE: Hitler and Stalin)

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Cups

It Isn't Broken.

Yesterday morning, I had a classic "Jenn is a klutz" moment. Swinging my chair around to get up, I managed to -slam- my toes into the mental cabinet. I did have that brief instant of "Oh sh*t. This is going to hurt." Before the pain hit me. Oh, man, did it ever hurt. And being at work, I couldn't really express how I truly felt about the situation. I thought I broke my toe.

As it turns out, I 'only' gashed my ring toe and badly bruised my pinky toe. Both hurt like a son of a gun but not enough to even consider going to the hospital. Even if my toe was broken, there's not much a doctor can do for it beyond taping the toes together and saying, "Your toe is broken, stay off of it."

I indulged in one of my favorite hobbies of tweaking HTML and revamped the Character page of "Tales of the Iridium Rose." I think it looks better and is easier to read. You can see more of the characters quicker and I think Alex did an awesome job on the Admiral Zaraiath picture.

Yesterday, the kitties spent a lot of time hanging out with me. I think now that it's been four days, they've decided that I really am OK. I'm not just some stranger who comes in once a day to feed them. Too bad today is my last day for cat sitting. I'm going to miss them. I really want my own kitties. But, since I can't have them for now, I will continue to live vicariously through other people's pets.

Down with OPP? Yeah, you know me.

*giggle* OK. So, I'm weird.

Tarot Card for the Day: Knight of Wands

The Duel

We run through the dark forest, the Greenman and I. Our flight had all the makings of a dream - but I know too well that this is painfully, and dangerously, real. We are fleeing the Hunter. More over, we are desperately trying to reach the Last Unicorn before the Hunter does.

What is this all about, you wonder. I have to admit, I am not really sure myself. It has something to do with a Destiny that I do not understand but am intricately a part of. Yes. That is "Destiny" with a capital "D."

I can barely see the Greenman as we sprint like frightened gazelles, dodging low hanging branches and stumbling over tree roots. I am not surprised by this. After all, the Greenman is made from the very forest we run through. I believe he took a humanoid shape to better communicate with me.

Strange how the mind races faster than the body.

At last, we reach the clearing with the cave. I stop dead in my tracks when I see it… him. The Last Unicorn. So beautiful. So white. How could anyone want to hunt and kill such a marvelous creature? He regards me silently with an impassive curiosity. He does not know the danger he is in. I do not know how to tell him.

Instead, I turn to the Greenman. "Into the cave. Both of you. I will stop the Hunter. Do not come out for any reason." I am startled at my words and the conviction with which I speak them. Then again, I have no choice. I will stop the Hunter. I must. Or all is lost.

The Last Unicorn paws the ground in confusion. He wants to know what is going on. But, the Greenman ushers him into the cave. Even the Last Unicorn cannot deny the wishes of the Forest Spirit. I watch as he grows a thorny door over the cave entrance. One last precaution, in case I fail.

I cannot fail! The thought pulses through my veins. I must not. I will not! As I turn from the cave with its thorny impasse, I note that I am now wearing a white dress that I have never seen before. Yet, it is intimately familiar. White. I wonder if I am to be a sacrifice. Is that my role in this grand scheme?

I have no more time to ponder my fate as it is now upon me. Out of the forest comes the Hunter on his black warhorse. He vaults from it with an enviable grace to land scant meters from me. The horse turns and disappears into the forest as I stare with shock.

I know this man. This Hunter.

It is James. My friend. I frown, confused. Then, his guise changes before my eyes - once… twice… into two other friends - Rob and Alex. Then, it settled back into the familiar form of James. How can this be? Does he steal memories from my mind or is he truly representative of some of my dearest friends?

He regards me with open distain, this man who looks to be, but is not my friend, James. His garb is that of a Renaissance man. His dark beard is neatly trimmed and the hilt of his bejeweled sword twinkles like starlight. Suddenly, he laughs. It is a callous, condescending sound.

I know what he is thinking as he draws his sword. I know, because I am thinking it, too. I have no hope of winning this battle. He is too good. I do not know how to sword fight, much less even have a sword. I am weaponless, save that of my wits and bare hands. Still, I must try. There is no other choice.

He advances upon me, striking at the air near me. I dodge away. It is all I can do. He taunts me, playing with me. I gasp in pain as an easy thrust strikes true, leaving a crimson trail down my arm. He has not said a word, but his actions speak louder than any words could. They tell me of his cruel, callous nature. His need of power. His want to destroy. Now, I understand how this man could seek to kill such a being as the Last Unicorn.

I sense him growing bored of this game. Even with my desperate dance to evade his bright blade, I am too easy a prey. In a sudden, quick motion, he strikes me in the face and I tumble to the ground, exhausted. But I am not willing to give up, yet.

There is a clang of metal to dirt as I roll to my stomach intending to push myself up again. Instead, I find myself looking at the hilt of a sword that has been tossed to me. My eyes follow the line of the sword to its owner.

It is a woman in a long blue gown. One that appears to be my friends Laurel, Lisa and Johanna all at the same time. How can this be? Where did she come from? One moment she was not there. The next, she was.

The woman's features settle into that of Laurel. Laurel and James are beloved of each other. I wonder if there is a similar connect between the Hunter and this woman. As I scramble to my feet, sword held awkwardly in hand, my unspoken question is answered.

The Hunter stands there, anguish filling his eyes as he looks to the woman. He looks as if he wants to speak, but then his eyes harden as she remains impassive. He looks to me, anger fueling his determination. No more games. No more feints. This is it. Suddenly, it becomes what it was always supposed to be.

A duel to the death.

Destiny has taken over. I am fighting for the Greenman and the Last Unicorn. My purpose is clear. I do not know what he fights for. Bright blades flashed in the noonday sun as the sound of metal to metal breaks the hushed silence of the forest.

I do not know where I gained the knowledge to fight the Hunter one on one. Perhaps it is the sword or perhaps, the woman. Perhaps, I am merely Destiny's pawn. None of that matters now. All of Eternity has waited for this moment as the Universe hold its breath and watches.

With a lucky strike to the ribs I am able to punch the Hunter with enough force to spin him around, leaving his unprotected back open to me. At this instant, it unexpectedly becomes my choice. At this instant, I have total free will to do as I choose. I drive the blade into his heart through his back and I know I have done it by my Will alone.

He falls to his knees, dropping his sword as I hold mine within him. It is so sudden. I feel no elation even though I know I have saved something infinitely precious. Tears course down my face as the Hunter and I both look up to the woman who still stands there - impassively watching.

I step back, pulling my sword from the Hunter’s body as he reaches out a bloody hand towards the woman then crumples to the ground in an inelegant heap. He is dead. My sword softly clinks beside him as it falls from my unfeeling fingers.

I look to the woman for a long moment and know that she does not see me. Then, I see for the first time, emotion enter her face. She looks to her fallen Hunter with an infinite sadness that breaks my heart. It is as if she knew all along this would happen, and though she did love him, she had had her own part to play.

Finally, she looks to me, dark eyes moist. Suddenly, my heart lightens as she touches me within… forgives me for my part in the death of the Hunter. She knows why I did what I did. Then, she lifts her chin, her eyes flicking to something beyond me. I turn to see the Greenman and the Last Unicorn slowly exit the cave. Their eyes are upon the woman.

When I look back to her again, she is gone. I turn to the Greenman and the Last Unicorn, but they, too, have disappeared. All that is left is the dead body of the Hunter. And, as I somehow expected, it fades into nothingness before my eyes.

I look to the forest around me, body throbbing from the still bleeding cuts on my arm and breast bone. I wonder aloud, "What now?"

Unexpectedly, the wind picks up and as leaves whirl around me, I hear word, "Live…." breathed into my ears. It is both a wish and a command.

"Live." I murmur to myself with a smile. "Seems simple enough." But, even as I speak the words, I know that nothing is ever as simple as it seems and I will never forget what happened on this day.

© 1999 - Eden Blackthorn

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Wands, Reversed

Seven Good Reasons

OK. So, yesterday I showed you a little bit of my dramatic side. "The Duel" was based on a dream and my Muse decided that I really needed to write something, anything. It chose that. I couldn't get the images of it out of my head. The words flowed like water from my fingertips. It felt wonderful. Satisfying. Like a good meal.

I have to admit, I'm a little worried about the kitties. I know I shouldn't be. I'm sure the other guy Michael has cat sitting them will do a fine job. But, I can't help thinking about the way Jefferson and Newton had really warmed up to me. Sitting with me. Jefferson purred for me and even meowed at me when I went to leave the last time. He clearly did not want me to go. He was the definite lover of the two. Newton was more bold but also more ambivalent. *sigh* I'm sure they are fine.

I have to say, I've been loving my commute to work this week. It's been taking me all of 20-30 minutes to get to work instead of the usual 60-70 minutes. Why can't it be like that all the time? Things would be a lot easier for me. I know I should move closer but I don't want to live on the Penisula. I really like Fremont.

Oh, and speaking of work and such. For some reason, I have been receiving job offers via phone and email a lot lately. Usually for QA Managers or Senior QA Engineers. And usually in another state. Mostly from Seattle, WA; Portland, OR or Boulder, CO.

I have to say, if I was at another point in my life than I am right now, I would seriously be considering these offers. I really miss Portland and would love to return to it someday. I have friends there who are constantly poking at me to 'come back home.' I've been to Boulder and do like the city. It really is '40 miles surrounded by Reality' (as one disgruntled Denver DJ put it). The cost of living in these cities is less that in the SF Bay Area but there are a couple things keeping me here:

1. My friends. Some people I just will not give up.
2. My job. I actually like my job and the people I'm working for/with.
3. My home. As much as I bitch about wanting my own place, I know I'm spoiled stupid.
4. Atmosphere. The SF Bay Area has a unique atmosphere and culture all its own. You just can't replace that.
5. My family. Until my family moves to North Carolina, they are a factor in me staying here.
6. Weather. You can't get much better than this. (Unless you like dramatic seasonal changes.)
7. Location. There aren't many places where you can go to the beach one day, go skiing the next and then take in dinner at a 5 Star Resturaunt then go see a show like "Stomp" or "Cats" or "Phantom of the Opera" the next day.

Still.... there is that part of me that longs to abandon the familiar and head straight into the abyss of the unknown.

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Wands

Wounded Animal

I spent most of yesterday in what I call "Wounded Animal" mode - meaning, I spent most of the day in pain or serious discomfort and wanted to stay home in my 'den' where I had relative safety and comfort (such as it was).

I'm not really sure what was wrong with me but if it was a hangover from my debauchery on the 29th, it was the weirdest hangover I've ever had in my life. I spent most of yesterday being grossed out by my own body and its functions.

I could give you all the gorey details but, you know what, if you really want them, you're just going to have to email me.

Ah, what a good way to end the year.

See you all on the flipside - Assuming the world does decide to blow itself up at the stroke of midnight at the beginning of the new millennium. Otherwise, talk at you tomorrow.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Wands, Reversed