December 2004

December 02: All Filled Up
December 10: Birthday Flowers
December 17: Domestic Castle Crawling
December 21: Winter Solstice
December 31: Disassociated

December 2

All Filled Up
It is seven weeks since I had my lap band surgery. I had my first fill on Tuesday. I've spent the last two days relearning how to eat. This is not an easy thing to do. Old habits are hard to break. It's kind of like relearning how to walk. Usually, you don't have to think about it as you do it. Now, eating is something I have to really pay attention to. I can't drink anything while I eat nor for the 30 minutes afterwards. I have an extremely small stoma (upper stomach pouch) and I can eat only very limited quantities before I get full. 1/2 - 1 cup of food total. I'm currently closer the 1/2 cup size.

The problem with this is two fold: 1. It's hard to remember that my eyes are now literally bigger than my stoma. So, the much smaller portion sizes look too small. 2. The "I'm full" feeling isn't the same as the normal "I'm full" feeling. It's a different sort of pressure that sits at your sternum. If you don't notice it or don't listen to it, the next bite or two of food turns that pressure into a pain, about the size of a solid boiled egg, that just sits there. It is a sensation unlike any other and MAN, I hate it. So, I'm getting really good about eating slowly and chewing my food well.

However, this also means that I do still get occasionally hungry... for about 2-3 bites of food at a time. Do you know how hard it is to get fresh food that you can eat only 2-3 bites of, then put away for 2 hours until you want another 2-3 bites? Not so easy. But, I'm coping. I'm learning to drink a lot before I eat so I don't get thirsty immediately after eating. Also, I'm getting stuff like string cheese or small "serving size" bags of peanut butter crackers or just natural peanut butter or packaging up small amounts (no more than 3 oz) of meat for easy eating. Ideally, I will have three small meals and two small snacks a day, evenly spaced out.

I know I have more habits to break and not all of them are physical. There are some 'comfort eating' habits that need to go the way of the dodo bird. I can't eat until I'm "pleasantly full" anymore to get that satisfied feeling. There is no pleasantly full. There is pressure. Then, there is pain. That's it. I'm going to start keeping up on my weight weigh-ins again on a weekly basis now. Maybe I'll do a monthly check in now that I'm all filled up.

After the last Crimson Dawn game, I've decided the next vampire character I play is going to be an extremely beautiful, rich and oblivious Toreador who was embraced solely for her looks and her money. Oh, I know she will have some redeeming value. I just haven't figured out what it will be. Perhaps, I'll make her a total influence whore and that's it. Someone who tells other people what to do for her but not someone who gets into the mix of things unless it is a social mix with the right people. It will certainly be a change of pace for me.

Don't get me wrong, I had a blast at the last game. I'm just terrified that my Malkavian adventuress has become the tactician of the group. Sometimes, it's really hard thinking up what the court needs to do to deal with the mad Doctor Harris (Moreau) or to do to stop/solve the Ripper (Cthulhu) murders. Thank goodness she has Percy to look to when she gets unsure of things.

I have to tell you, I am so looking forward to my upcoming vacation. The office is quiet with a lot of people already on vacation. I'm getting all my work done, but I'm really dragging my feet going to work. I have a petulant four year old in my head stomping her feet and shouting, "I don't wanna!!"

Sometimes, I ask myself what else I want to do and the answer is always "Write! Something. Anything." Yet, when I get home, I just stare at the monitor. My muse has fled. Or, maybe she's on vacation. Or just confused on which thing to focus on. The two things I should be focusing on, the DDC LARP and the NERO Seattle stuff, I don't want to focus on. Everything else just gives me a half-hearted "Pick me!" wave that is easy to ignore.

Part of me just wants to "not write" (hah!) for the rest of the year. Then, I read about stuff that other people, like Cherie Priest in particular, are saying about their writing and their successes and it makes me think "YEAH! I just got to put the final third polish on Regresser's Evolution, then I'll quietly beg her (the aforementioned Cherie) for information on agents." Then, RE languishes because I know I should be working on the DDC LARP and the NERO stuff... and in the end, nothing gets done.

Of course, part of me is just hoping for another contract from Sovereign Press. There is nothing like me writing for that editor of mine that gets me all enthusiastic. When I write on that stuff, I find I write on other stuff, too. Maybe I should go email my editor and see if there is something on the horizon for me.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Cups

December 10

Birthday Flowers
Yesterday was my birthday. It was one of the most emotionally roller coaster birthdays I have ever had but in the end, it turned out well. So, I get to work, and because of the words of a friend, I thought there was something birthday-ish waiting for me. You know, like flowers or a little gift. Nope. Nothing. It turns out they just wanted to make sure I was there for the office celebration of my birthday. (Which, apparently, I mucked up since I was ill on Wednesday.)

So, I'm all mopey and sad and feeling guilty because I'm mopey and sad on my birthday because people did remember me and I'm being a greedy black duck because I want flowers on my birthday. I moped a little to Heather, who gave me virtual flowers and the added bonus of a Vin Diesel picture. Yony pinged me and when flowers (or lack of) came up, he told me that he had tried to get me flowers for my birthday but all of the florists he had called told him that Microsoft didn't accept florist deliveries.

Two things happened. I was absolutely ecstatic that Yony remembered me and my want of flowers on my birthday. It really turned around my mood. Then, I got mad/incredulous at the idea that I didn't get flowers for my birthday because of Microsoft. Turns out that this is only partly true. MS doesn't like flowers sent to One Microsoft Way. But, if you give the building number and office number, it should be fine. When I told this to Yony for future reference *grin* he jumped all over it and found out that I was right. The florist he called had no problem delivering flowers to MS. He told me I shouldn't leave early or anything...

Of course, this being the day of emotional roller coasters, no flowers came because the order was given too late in the day or something like that. Still, I was happy. I had been thought of. (In fact, I found out that Yony had been thinking of this a while ago!) But, in honor of my birthday, I took today off. So, I suggested that Yony go ahead and change the address from my work place to my home. Which he did... but, there was a problem.

This morning, I got a call from the florist, telling me that since the address change came in so late, they couldn't deliver today, they would deliver tomorrow. When I'm out of town. I called them back and let them know. The lady was really nice. She apologized for the lateness of the flowers, offered to have them delivered to my office on Monday and commented that she had never heard of any policy of no flowers to Microsoft. So, there you go. After all that, I get my birthday flowers at my office on Monday.

I have never had a birthday gift have to jump through so many trials and tribulations before. At this point, I'm happily amused. I think knowing I was remembered for my birthday was more important than the flowers themselves. But, I really like the flowers for my birthday, too, and I have a great birthday war story to tell now.

The rest of my birthday was great. I got lots of cool stuff. Mom and Dad gave me Twin Peaks on DVD. Lori and David gave me a gift certificate. Hans, Glenn, Andrew and Leigh-Ann took me out to the Wasabi Bistro which was faboo! Leigh-Ann gave me the coolest little black purse for clubbing. Joe and Heather gave me virtual flowers. Bill and I spent the day chatting. The office got me cake and tonight is a birthday party for me and Dan, another guy going on the holiday weekend getaway.

In the end, it all turned out great and for that, I am grateful. Thank you to everyone who wished me well and made my birthday something to smile about.

It looks like Leigh-Ann and I have chosen a cruise to go on. We put our deposits down on it on Monday. Holland America Lines - MS Rotterdam. Five Star cruise line. 10 Days visiting the following East Mediterranean ports in order: Venice, Korcula, Dubrovnik, Cruise Ionian Sea, Thira, Rhodes, Kusadasi, Piraeus, Katakolon, Valletta, Cruise Adriatic Sea, Venice.

EST. TOTAL $5,836.92 for two people. So, about $3K per person. This includes: all drinks and meals 24/7, room service, gym, fitness sauna, casino, shows, movies and other shipboard activities. About $300/day for lodging, transportation, food and activities throughout the Greek Isles. Really not bad at all. It does not include: tipping, alcohol, the beauty spa or the cover charge into the specialty restaurants.

Just a heads up. I will be hosting an Orphans Christmas at my place on the 25th. We won't be having turkey but we will be having stuff like pizza, chips and lots of games like munchkin and lunch money. Maybe a movie or two as well. Everyone, orphaned or not, is invited. I will be posting more about it soon.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Cups, Inverted

December 17

Domestic Castle Crawling
After a weekend away for the annual holiday "get away" and Call of Cthulhu game where Leigh-Ann and I came up with the most twisted part of vampire character "siblings" for the next Vampire game/LARP we both join, I came back to work to finally received my birthday flowers from Yony that included flowers, candy and a teddy bear now called Mercury Teller. Yes, it is a strange name but, it reminds me of certain aspects of people and makes me smile. The flowers were beautiful and had a marvelous scent to them.

This last week at work has been particularly quiet. A good thing, too, since I haven't been feeling the best all week. The next two weeks, the entire RTC group has off - dev, test and PM. I know we have all been really looking forward to it. A bunch of people left on vacation a week early. I think, I hope, everyone will be in good spirits when we get back to work on the third.

As the holiday season draws closer to its climax, I find myself missing old friends more and more. I am not going to California nor to visit family this Christmas. Instead, I am attempting to host an Orphans Christmas. Though, it looks like only one person is even vaguely interested. So, I may do as I have heard that others are doing: Spend Christmas in Middle Earth and watch all of the Lord of the Rings movies - extended versions, of course. That might chase away the holiday blues for a while. Everyone is still invited to drop by.

I've been here for a year and a half now and, as much as I like it in Seattle, sometimes I still feel like a stranger and an outsider. I know it is unrealistic to want the same sense of familiarity and welcome that I felt after 12 years in California in so much less time but that doesn't stop me from wanting it and wanting it right now. Especially since I have been taking a trip down memory lane in the form of game write ups (Tales of the Iridium Rose, North Kingdom Campaign, Port Townsend and the various other crunchy bits of gamer writing I've done). Plus, Leigh-Ann has suggested a trip to Port Townsend because I have been talking about it and the game Alex ran a lot lately. I definitely want to do this.

Actually, since I've been doing a little bit of research on the area, I've discovered a couple of castles and other such interesting spots. Enough that I think I can invest in a little bit of domestic castle crawling across Washington and Oregon. I'm surprised at the number of castles that have been imported and built in this area. It makes for some intriguing possibilities from an author's point of view and worth a series of day trips to visit and investigate such interesting sites closer to home.

In the meantime, I guess I will just continue to do my best to stave off the holiday depression I feel settling in around me. I know that is what it is. I just hope it doesn't get much worse.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Cups

December 21

Winter Solstice
I am now into my two week vacation and, as of yet, I don't really feel like I am. Maybe after today it won't feel like just a long weekend to me. Also, it looks like I will not be hosting an orphans Christmas. The person I was hosting for cancelled, the other person is still iffy and the final person who expressed an interest has kids and my place is not kid proofed at all. So, it looks like I will be going over to Rory and Cheryl's place for their butt-numb-a-thon to watch the Lord of the Rings cycle - extended editions, of course.

As today is the day of the Winter Solstice and the longest night of the year, I am indulging in a bit of introspective thoughts on the darker side of me. I figure, if I can face them during the darkest time of the winter and at least acknowledge them, as the light grows, I can face them to either accept them or work on shifting out of the dark. It is not an easy thing to do for me.

A few weeks ago, in passing, Ben said to me "Your OCD is showing." I remember laughing about it at the time, 'knowing' he was joking. [OCD = Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.] However, ever since then, I have noticed some of my odd habits. I have a pair of light switches in my hallway. Both must be up or down. I cannot abide by one being up and the other down. I don't know why. I just know is. I will walk up my stairs in the dark before I will allow one switch up while the other is down.

It is a mild OCD. But it is there, when I drive or am a passenger in a car. If I know I have to turn left or right, I have to get into that lane immediately - even if the turn isn't for 2-3 miles down the way. This is especially hard on me when I'm a passenger. Leigh-Ann drives us to Rikki-Rikki all the time but she rarely gets over into the left hand lane until we have passed 405. This freaks me out, making me think we aren't going to be able to get over in time, but since she is the driver, I squish my irrational thoughts and let her drive.

I have more examples of this mild OCD but I don't think I need to mention them all here. I just have to acknowledge that it is here and it is something I need to watch for. Also, to realize that it is not a debilitating condition now and will not be one as long as I am aware that it is happening.

The other thing I am coming to realize is that I do not know how to relate to my friends' children. There have been only two men in my life that have ever made me want to have children: Chris, who broke my heart into a million pieces and Yony, who I left behind in CA when I moved to Seattle for my job. Now that I am out of the influence of that particular male pheromone, I am finding myself less able to deal with children.

Last night, I went out to Rory and Cheryl's for the Yule celebration. Rory had written a lovely ceremony that I felt, unfortunately, was ruined by their oldest son and his need to be heard. I am very interested in the ceremonial work that their coven does but I cannot handle the deliberate interruption from one of the children. In this particular ceremony, it was designed as a kid friendly ceremony. The three youngest were really quiet cute and that I actually enjoyed their participation. It was the constant interruption from the oldest correcting his father that upset me. It made me so angry, because in my eyes, it was a deliberate disrespect to his father and to the religious ceremony going on. However, as he is not my child, I have no right to say in how he should be raised.

I think my impatience with children today is from the way I was raised. I grew up in a -very- strict household. You did as you were told. You did not back talk. You did not interrupt. You were not disrespectful. Ever. If you broke the rules, you paid for it with spankings, groundings and extra chores. You were well behaved and well mannered. I remember hating my parents for all of their rules and wishing they were more loving. But, now, as an adult, looking back, I can appreciate what they did and why they did it. Though, I suspect in this politically correct day and age, their strict rearing techniques would be looked up as child abuse.

But, this still leaves me with a problem I do not know how to deal with. How do I deal with other people's children? It is easy enough to ignore the children of strangers and to have the patience of "I will never have to see you again." But, when it is my friends' children, I will see them again and how I act will make an impression on them. They want to talk to me, to get my opinion, to test their boundaries against me. I don't want to feel like some old child-hating biddy but nor do I have the patience to be disrespected by a child I cannot ignore nor discipline.

On the interesting side, as I face my darkness, I have discovered that I am no longer as afraid of being alone again nor am I as concerned about my body image. I still have issues with both but they are not the main factors in my life anymore. Granted, I am still relearning how to eat and such but there is a sense of security there. Also, I am still hoping to find a special someone but I am less concerned about it. There is more of a sense of "what will be will be." Though, tonight, I will be putting my call out to the universe for what I would like to happen in my life.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ten of Cups, Inverted

December 31

Disassociated
Christmas has passed and my vacation has passed even faster. But, it has been a good vacation despite suffering from some big holiday blues. I have slept so much that I think I have finally recharged my batteries to full. I'm ready for a more normal routine to start. Preferably, a writing one rather than an 8 to 5 one but we can't have what we want.

I spent Christmas day in Middle Earth. I went over to Rory's house and we watched the entire Lord of the Rings series, extended edition. All 11 hours of it. I had a blast. Then, I spent the next couple of days watching all of the Lord of the Rings extras while I wrote. That was a really nice break from reality.

Of course, when I came up for air, I had discovered that a natural disaster of biblical proportions in the form of earthquakes and a tsunami had hit Sri Lanka. The numbers are so big that I find myself unable to comprehend them. A death toll of more than 120,000 people. "Millions" of people without homes, food or water. The huge threat of disease from the dead and the rotting.

These are just words and 'facts' to me and it disturbs me that I am so disassociated from it all. Then again, that is not the only thing I am disassociated from. My mom is in the hospital with pneumonia. I am worried but I find, since there is little I can do about it, I do not find myself thinking of it too much. My sister sends me daily emails on mom's progress and I've called and talked to her a couple of times. She is in good spirits. She assures me she isn't going to die and that I shouldn't worry nor hop a plane to visit. Though, she appreciates it. So, I'm left with looking at it through factual, instead of emotional, eyes.

I am having a hard time empathizing in general. I think, I have shut myself off from my emotions for now because I just don't want to deal with them. This recent stuff nor the other historical stuff I know is hovering in the back of my mind, just waiting for it to present itself for examination. What a can of worms that is going to be. *heh* No wonder I'm just not dealing with it right now.

[Later addition: Mom is now out of the hospital!]

The year in review. Let's see: Weight, still the same; Job, still got it and lots happier; Home, still standing; Status, still single; Writing, doing contract work now; Cat, still alive and bitchy. All in all, I guess a lot has not changed too much over the past year.

January - Met up with Robert Hill again. Made a website for Jenn from Casey & Andy webcomic. Came to some sort of thought about being single again and accepting it for now. Joined the 20/20 program. Dumped my old mortgage agent in favor of part of the fabulous duo. Started up with my regular gaming group, Sunset gaming.

February - Seemed to be a whole lot of coming to grips with 20/20. DundraCon which is now a staple in my life to make sure I get to see my friends from California. I had my mid-year review which went really well at the time but came back to bite me in the ass later.

March - I had a biological scare of a lump where there shouldn't have been one but it turned out to be nothing. Random crap with my old boss about him not being there. Had my credit card stolen. Finished refinancing my home. Took a C# class.

April - Mom came to visit and it was a good trip. I started planning out how to take a year off to write. I re-entered the dating scene with some trepidation. Met Rory and Shane and started LARPing in Crimson Dawn.

May - Took an Engineering Excellence class for work. Jumped into a reading and writing binge. Joined Heirs to the Fall LARP. The concept of "Grants Pass" as a post-apocalyptic meeting place was introduced.

June - Had a visit from Heather and Chris. The concept of "Grants Pass" as an anthology was born. Got my cat shaved. Started stressing about formal reviews. Had a visit from Kai and Steph. Pondered moving to the Xbox group.

July - Had an excellent fourth of July at Pavel's place. Had a visit from Yony. Celebrated being in Seattle for one year. My sis-in-law had a premie baby. Patrick became my interim boss while the clueless boss was out.

August - Got my first contract with Sovereign Press, working on a Dragonlance source book! I had the worst review of my professional career - with no warning at all. Had another medical scare that turned out to be "We don't know but we think you are OK." Finished the 20/20 program with disappointing results. Patrick becomes my official boss.

September - I have a vacation in CA. It's really nice. Friends and a convention. Later, I pop back to CA to visit with family. Totally enjoying Patrick as my new boss.

October - Finish my contract with Sovereign Press. Had weight loss surgery: lapband. The old boss is invited to leave the group. I started fostering kittens again. I pushed out the Grants Pass story submission date. I discover that I'm going to have an extremely large assessment put on my condo that pretty much is going to knock out my ability to take any time off to write.

November - My writing cup runneth over. Joined the Seattle NERO plot team, primarily as a writer. I compare all of the major holidays with the seven deadly sins. I get my first fill in my lapband.

December - I get flowers for my birthday! Yay! Leigh-Ann and I decide we want to go on a Mediterranian cruise and sign up for one! There are plans for some domestic castle crawling. I have a vacation where I mostly sleep. I resolve not to make any new year's resolutions.

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Cups

December

Continue on to: JANUARY 2005
(Created by JLB)