August 2003

Landed Gentry

Happy New Year to me. This is the third year in a row that I have celebrated this day as my own special day. Also, Abstract Thoughts turns five today. Not a bad run for an online journal I didn't know would actually make it. August first just seems to be the best day for me to start new phases of my life. I am enjoying having a special day for me in this manner.

This year, it is becoming a home owner. As of 4:40pm today, I received the keys to my new home. My home. It takes on a whole new meaning. It really does. Everything in that condo is mine. I own it. I am responsible for it. I can do what I want with it. I really like this feeling. Oddly enough, I don't have the money panic feeling on this large purchase. I don't know if that is because it is too large to imagine or what. But, I feel like I will be writing these monthly house payment checks to myself. As if I am writing checks to a savings account I can't draw out of.

I went to my home to look around. [3.3 miles, door to door, from work.] I was fully prepared to see a disaster that I would have to clean up this weekend. That is not what I found. I found a place that was empty of 99% of the garbage, the rugs steam cleaned and everything dusted. It was a nice surprise. However, there were a few 'gotchas'. Some are serious. Some are just strange.

First, the biggest gotcha - the cabinets to the right of the stove have been completely busted. As in, unusable busted. One of the support beams was ripped off and now none of the drawers fit. I am mildly annoyed at this. However, I am now using it as an excuse to have that cabinet fixed and the rest of the cabinets repainted to very light sage. I like that idea. Another unhappy gotcha, one of the upstairs mirrored hallway closet doors has a huge crack in it. I had not seen that before. I don't think I'm going to do anything about it though.

Second, the oddities. I was left some partial filled bottles of rum and gin as well as a monogrammed hipflask. The shower head from the downstairs bathroom was taken, as was the shower curtain rod. But, the oddest thing taken - the globe from the ceiling fan in one of the bedrooms. What on earth will they do with a globe without the rest of the light? Oh, and there was no toilet paper anywhere.

However, I'm still really excited. As a list of things that are wrong, only cabinet is the biggie. The rest is pretty minor. But, as Hans put it, now that I own the condo, it's time to make it mine. I've decided that I probably want to have the whole interior repainted. From top to bottom. That will give it a shiny newness along with the new carpets. Plus, I am seriously considering painting the upstairs master bedroom dark blue or doing a fade from midnight blue at the top to light blue at the bottom. Then, like Lori's place, adding stars on the ceiling.

Tomorrow, I have all sorts of phone calls to make. I have to start up various services to the new place, get interior insurance, find a handyman to do all of the fixing that needs to be fixed, call my parents to let them know I officially have it and a host of other household related things. Lists. I'm making lots and lots of lists. It's really cool. I really am no longer panicking. I really am planning. Oh, yeah. I have got to get me a digital camera ASAP.

Hans mentioned that it was really good to see me so relaxed all of the sudden. I have gone from stressed out monkey mode to landed gentry mode. I have budgeted about $6000 to fix up and furnish the place and it is nice to have that leeway. Of course, this does mean that I am going to have to wait on the new computer until December or so but I can handle that. I think I am doing so well because I feel like a lot of control of my life has been returned to me.

So, a list of things to do for my home:
- New shower heads and curtain rods
- New lock for the front door
- Fix cabinet
- Fix dishwasher
- New light for stairs
- Ceiling fan for dining room
- Paint everything
- New carpets - emerald for downstairs, cobalt for stairs and upstairs.
Once all that is done, then I can get the new furniture.

An odd quirk I have noticed in myself is the fact that I have not called any of my friends who live here in Seattle. I really don't want to until I have a home of my own to invite them to. I don't want them seeing me all stressed out or ... undone. I want my house ready because I don't want to feel like a displaced person or an unmade bed in their presence. I'm not sure why this is. I just it is. So, I'm following it.

All in all, this has been a great day personally. I am happy. I am starting to set up my safe haven. Once my base of operations is complete, I'll really be able to deal with the stuff going on at work much better. Yeah, there are some big things happening. I'm still processing them. I don't like everything going on, but I'm able to accept them for now.

Wow... I own my home. Isn't that the American dream? Or one of them? This is so cool!

Tarot Card for the Day: The Fool

Top Ten Tips

This is actually more for my notes than anything else. Once I answered the email I realized that all of this was excellent information for me. Especially since I will be going back on Atkins hardcore soon.

Hi,
I was online looking for weight loss success stories and I came upon yours. I just started the Atkins diet on Tuesday. So far so good. I want to lose about 100 lbs or so. Any tips?
Tiffany

The best tips I can give you are these:
1. Always have legal food on hand. You will be combating the /psychological/ issue of feeling deprived.

2. Always eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. Try and keep the times consistent and about 4-5 hours apart.

3. You /will/ want to binge eat. Fine. Do it. But do it on legal food. IE: eat for cheese burger patties if you want. You will need to feel full and sated. Then, wallow in that overfull feeling. Have a good cry. Laugh. Listen to music. Losing weight is very emotional.

4. Don't let your friends sabotage you. "Just one bite" /will/ hurt.

5. Take potassium vitamins. It will stop leg/toe cramps.

6. Drink your water. At least 8 oz per hour for 8 hours.

7. DO NOT LOOK AT IT AS 100 POUNDS TO LOSE. Break it up. 100 pounds is impossible. But, 10 pounds is possible. Every 10 pounds, reward yourself. Really do it. A massage. A manicure. A new shirt. Only look at 10 pounds at a time. The mini goals are more important than the over all goal.

8. Move. Every day. Move. Do something. Take a walk. Close the blinds, turn up the music and dance for 30 minutes. Don't call it exercise. It isn't. It is moving. You and I both know when one is "morbidly obese", moving around consistently for 30 minutes IS exercise.

9. Schedule "Anything" days. Twice a month, give yourself a day to eat anything and everything you want. Don't feel guilty. Don't feel bad. Binge, if you want. Or don't. This is a day for you to have that special meal. To celebrate your birthday/anniversary/holiday/etc... or just cause you need it.

10. Don't beat yourself up when you do cheat. It happens. We all fall off the wagon. Pick yourself up. Brush yourself off. Hop back on. That's all you can do. Just don't make it a habit of falling. It takes four days for you to get into ketosis.

As of August 1st, I became a home owner and the incredible "will I actually get to own this condo" stress suddenly morphed into the much more pleasant "playing house and decorating" kind of stress. I must admit I really like this kind of stress much more. However, I had my first clash of reality verses playing house. It is, I am certain, the first of many to come.

In short, I went carpet shopping. I declared long ago that I was /not/ going to have beige or neutral carpet. It was my home and I wanted color. I decide emerald green for the downstairs and cobalt blue for the upstairs. I ended up at Home Depot on my Mom's recommendation. The first stuff I wanted was the top of the food chain. Carpeting a whole house is bloody expensive. In the end, I got the colors (officially Holly and Deep Denim) I wanted in a medium good quality that I could afford. It was about $1000 more than I wanted to spend, but I think it is worth it. I mean I have to live with it.

James also buys, fixes up and sells houses on the side. So, he had a good recommendation for a handyman to do all of the fixing up that I want to do. He, Karl from the Urban Artist, sent me an email saying that he had received my list of wants from James, that he could meet me this weekend and, based on the list, have the WHOLE thing done by the end of next week - which is even before the new carpet comes in. That's so cool! I'm really excited. I need to get some before and after pictures for sure.

It is really a good feeling. I am making progress. I should be moved into my new home by the end of the month!

Little notes:

- My mom, surprisingly, really likes my hair being black. She thinks it looks surprisingly natural. Amazing words from her. However, she doesn't like the hair cut. She thinks it needs to be shorter or much longer. *shakes head* There is no pleasing her sometimes. *smile* I guess it is a good thing that I had already decided to grow my hair long.

- Work is still frantic, but everyone from QA is here now. That is helping. However, as much as I like my boss, there are days I want to throttle him. Every time I bring him a problem, he makes me leave with it. Sometimes, I would just like to hear him say, "I'll take care of that." Otherwise, things are busy but going well. I like everyone on the team, surprisingly enough. Now, if we could get it so that not everyone came to me, I could get my work done in a regular 9 hour day instead of 10-12 hour days. On the upside, My 'commute' is all of 10 to 15 minutes most days and that will lessen when I move into my home.

- Yony is coming to visit me over Labor Day weekend! Woo-hoo! I'm so excited. I have missed him so much. It will be good to spend the holiday weekend together. Though, most likely, my house will still be in boxes when he arrives. I don't care about that, I just can't wait to see him!

Tarot Card for the Day: The Fool, Inverted

Self Destructive Behavior

I am suffering from a really bad bout of people-sickness. It's like being homesick but with people. Sunday afternoon is a great time to sit back and relax. It's also a great time to 'think.' I know I think too much. Towards the end of a conversation on the phone with Yony, he asked, very softly, "Are you OK?" I started to respond, "I'm just lonely." I got out, "I'm just..." when it hit me so hard. I was terribly, terribly homesick for my bay area friends. I couldn't speak for a couple of moments, the emotions were so raw and painful. Finally, I just whispered, "I'll be OK, eventually."

There are days when I wonder if I will be. I'm thankful for David and Lori and Hans but, I want more. While Hans and I were at tea this afternoon, he looked at me and said, "I don't know what to talk to you about anymore. We've been talking for three weeks straight. The number of changes in my life have slowed down dramatically. I don't know what to talk about and I don't know how to handle it." I completely understand what he means.

I want to call up Jeanne and start a conversation about the Goddess with her. I want to talk to Robert about Twin Peaks. I want to tease Erik and Tony about whatever comes to mind. I want to find out from Cynthia how the kittens are. I want to discuss anything with Monte and Thea. I want to sit with Rich and Cil, play with the rats and just /talk/. I want to game again. I want to go to Dana Street to see who comes in and go to dinner with them. I want the people in the restaurants to smile at me familiarly. I want my home back!

Instead, I'm in a one bedroom apartment in Kirkland that isn't even mine, crying my eyes out, because I am so desperately lonely it hurts. I didn't know it would be so hard this time. Nothing is familiar to me. Nothing is 'home.' Not even my own condo, yet. For the first time in 2 weeks, I filled up my gas tank. Not because I needed to, but because I was driving "all the way" to Lori and David's house - 12 miles away on the West side.

People who know me know I used to drive 25 miles to work and often 50 miles (one way) to see friends. So, it is not the distance that makes it so far away. It's the fact that I don't know the territory and that stresses me out badly. I hate the fact that I don't know where things are or what they are like. I hate the fact that I don't know the customs and courtesies here. I hate the fact that I am really doing this by myself. Hans has been a great friend through all this because he's going through the same thing but, I still feel like I am alone.

(2003.08.11)

I'm better today. Last night, after I wrote the above, I made the conscious decision to do something stupid. I decided to indulge in some self destructive behavior and get really drunk. My thought, at the time, was an intention to get so drunk that I would have a hang over in the morning. That way, I would be distracted from my loneliness by the pain in my head. I know it sounds overly dramatic but it was not a decision made in hysteria. It was a calm, logical thought. One that included, "If I drink the whole bottle, I won't have to lug it to my condo when I finally move in." It made sense at the time.

So, I drank and got drunk. I ended up drinking only about half the bottle and pouring out the rest. Mostly, it's because I ended up on the phone with Ben for over an hour. He called me after he read my plaintive LJ call for attention. That phone call helped my spirits so much, I can't even begin to express how much. I laughed until I cried with joy instead of pain. That is worth a lot. Selfish of me, but I really hope Ben is one of those people who moves up here in the Great Gamer Migration. After that call from Ben, I crawled into bed and called Yony. We talked. I really needed hear his voice and his reassurance that I'm going to see him again in less than three weeks.

Thinking in that timeline, all is not bad. There is actual progress being made on my house! I talked with Karl and he's estimated only -two- days to get everything I want done, done. Whoosh! Happiness! However, now, I have to go out and buy the following things: Front door lock, ceiling fan, hall light, two shower heads and curtain rods for all over. Plus, I need to email Karl the chosen colors for the kitchen (misty green) and the bedroom.

I'm still deciding on the master bedroom between the generic white that I can spruce up with decorations or "galaxy blue" for my night sky bedroom. The ultimate intention on the bedroom if I do the blue is to add star constellations on the ceiling and to augment the dark blue with colorful fabrics and tapestries in blues, purples and greens. Plus, add a series of small lamps all over the room for a very comfortable, serene, sensual setting for my bedroom. I'll do the same if it stays white, but less lights because I won't need them as much.

So, this is the timeline I'm looking at (hoping for) for now.
18th - Carpets arrive in Home Depot.
19/20th - Karl does all of the home fixing-upping.
21st or 22nd - Carpets are installed.
24th or 25th - Household goods are delivered.
29th - Yony arrives. Yeah, I'll be hip deep in boxes but it will be worth it!

You know, it just occurred to me that I should be looking for furniture now. Most of it can't be delivered for four to six weeks. Ah, well. One thing at a time. Most likely, I will be settling into my home for the rest of the year. But, at least, it will be MY home.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Magician

SSDD

There are days when I want to give up on the human race as a whole. This past week has been a prime example of why. Personally, I'm still stressing over the whole condo thing. The carpets are late. Hopefully, they will be in by this Friday. However, no promises. Then, I can get the appointment to have them installed next week, when I planned to have my household goods moved in. The way it is all going, it won't happen until after my visit with Yony. Plus, this morning, I discover that the handyman decided he needed a deposit. If he had said that in the first place, I could have left a check for him. Fortunately, he was able to wait until tonight. Of course, that made me wonder if he was going to do any work today (he did, some).

[Whine] I want my home! I want to move into it. I can deal with boxes. It's this weird limbo I'm in now that is really driving me insane. [/Whine]

Globally, as much as I try to avoid politics and knowing too much about what's going on in our world in a war-like sense, even I cannot turn a blind eye to what happened in Jerusalem. Where will it stop? It actually looked like the peace talks were slowly, slowly working. Then, this. Another suicide bomber on a bus. 20 dead. 5 children. 2 different terrorist groups claiming responsibility. I say I don't discuss politics because I don't know enough about it to have a decent, informed decision. Truth be told, I -don't- want to be informed. I don't want to know about all of the horrible, horrible things going on in this world. Ignorant is bliss they say. I believe them. Yet, I still find myself looking at the news and reading anyway, unable to not be informed now.

I had my first butt chewing at work today. I made a mistake. I got corrected in front of my boss who did not seem upset at the chewing out I was getting, nor did he seem to realize that my chewing was a direct result of one of his orders. I think I dealt with it well enough at the time but I was a wreck afterwards. Lori was a gem. She checked to see if I needed anything, then she left me alone.

The more I think of it, the more I am sure that my boss did not think I was being chewed on. Merely being informed of the correct procedure by the person informing me at a loud volume. Right after I had my butt handed to me, my boss and the other person got into it over needed tools and they were both pretty loud to each other. I am not used to people shouting at each other in professional settings. At all. I don't like it.

Then again, maybe I'm just too damn stressed out and sensitive today. I have been so busy that I haven't played online in my LJ accounts practically at all. Now, I'm being told that I seem aloof and snobby because I don't just 'hang out' with the group in sessions. I can barely keep up with my characters as is now. I really don't have time to sit in a chat session and debate the merits of cheese. [Not that cheese is bad or anything.] I'm just overwhelmed at work and I have no safe haven to hide in at night. Hell, I don't even have a stable net connection. I'll be lucky if I can post this tonight.

Ok. Enough whining for tonight.

Good things...

... my home is being worked on. New shower heads are in, the ceiling fan is up and looks spectacular and the painting begins tomorrow.

... I got a letter from my sister that included drawings from my two nieces and a picture of my youngest niece. Apparently, they want to come visit me. (The nieces, that is.) I really need to write Emily a letter. She's almost six now. I think. I know she'd be thrilled to get mail.

... despite the stress I'm under at work, I think I am settling in at the office. We are slowly becoming a cohesive working team. If we can settle on what we really want to test and how, we'd be golden.

... Only ten days until I see Yony. You have no idea how much I need and want this visit.

... Babylon 5, Season 3 rocked more than I remembered it did the first time. I was brought to tears during _Severed Dreams_.

... I've joined a Seattle Gaming group and soon will be making new friends all over the place.

... Soon, I will join Seattle literary group and will be getting back into writing.

... I'm alive, mostly healthy and there is progress being made in every part of my life. I have much to be thankful for.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Magician, Inverted

Consumer Therapy

Things are moving right along in the new Brozek household. I have a real timeline now.

Handyman repairs: Done
Carpets: Aug 29
Household goods: Sep 03
Final move in: Sep 05
Cable set up: Sep 06
Handyman Touch ups: Sep 15

Other things in the works:
Aug 29: Car inspection
Aug 29: Yony visits
Sep 05: Story due
Sep 06: Get Library card
Sep 07: Get WA driver's license

Lately, as everyone has realized, I've been really stressed. There are a lot of reasons for this. A lot of which I can't go into publicly. Mostly because it either involves work or it is something far too close to my heart for me to display. To combat this, I've been challenging myself to do things like find new places and to overcome my fear of the unknown. Places like Home Depot, Fred Meyer and Crossroad Mall.

This has been really hard on me because of not having my safe haven, yet. I never realized just how much I needed a place to call mine. I've been sitting in a weird limbo, getting into my new job while not having my new home. I've just been preparing for it. So, I tried out one of Johanna's depression cure all: Consumer Therapy or, as Lori puts it "Shoppies!"

Boy, have I been following that with a vengeance. First, at Home Depot with stuff for the house - lamps and curtain rods and such. Then, at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Hoo boy, I spent a LOT there and I didn't even get everything I wanted. However, now, I have two bathrooms outfitted with matching towels. The upstairs bathroom is themed in purple - purple towels, bath mat and shower curtain. I'm waiting until I get my household goods to do the rest. The downstairs bathroom is going to be in yellow and ivy green - again, towels, bath mat and shower curtain. Plus, new tower rods.

It's amazing how happy matching sets of things for my house make me. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm in nesting mode and this is all the nesting I can do for the moment. Preparation for the household move. When Yony is here, we're going to go look at furniture for the bedroom and living room. He's got a good eye for such things. I've been looking at Costco furniture for the new bed. They have a sleigh bed online that is really attractive. I hope it looks at good in person.

I've been talking with a friend of mine, Angyl, from the Bay Area. I've always likened her to the wise child. Playful and Prophetic. She mentioned having a dream about me recently. It had to do with me enacting a ritual with the dragon candle she gave me as a going away gift. Afterwards, in the fall to winter, the city spirits, in the form of gargoyle-like dragons, started keeping a protective eye on me. There were images of me walking down a misty street at night with the dragons following me on the rooftops.

I am always fascinated when people have dreams of me. It makes me wonder if I am representing something to them or what. I don't know what it meant to Angyl but I know what it made me realize. While I had planned to do a cleansing ritual on my house, I had not planned an introduction of myself to the city. It's something I've always done. Something that was important to me. Somehow, it felt through the cracks.

Now that I have been reminded of it from an unexpected source, I have to figure out this ritual. I know I'm going to use the candle Angyl gave me. Far be it for me to ignore the Sight of the wise child. It's weird. Now, when I think of her, I see the six of cups, proper, in my head. (Childhood dreams, memories, new beginnings.) Interesting. You know, I think I'm going to work on using all of the gifts I received at the going away party as part of the introduction of me to the city. I think it is appropriate. Once I've done it, I'll let you know how it goes.

Another friend that I have been speaking to more is Heather. I really like her. It makes me sad that I never really got to know her while I was in the Bay Area. Circumstances and distances didn't help. Now, it's been really interesting getting to know her better. I can't wait to see her paintings. I'm probably going to commission a couple of original paintings for me for my bedroom.

Tarot Card for the Day: The High Priestess