August 2002

Proud of Me

Today is August 1st and I've discovered that August 1st has become my own personal Pride Day. I'm not sure when it happened, but it has and I'm going to run with it. Without further ado, here is my list of the "Top Ten Things" I'm proud of:

Number #10: I am proud I have been journaling regularly for four years. I have proven to myself that I can write almost every day and that has started with my journal. I don't know if I would be where I am now if I had not made the step of creating an online journal.

Number #9: I am proud I am confronting a lot of personal fears of change. We are all creatures of habit. I had taken that to an extreme and had become a creature of stasis. I did the same things over and over, going the same routes because they were comfortable. One day, I realized that this was not just about habit, it was about fear. My fear of change. Now, whenever I hesitate to do something because I'm afraid of how it will turn out, how I will look or how I will feel, I confront myself and take the road last traveled. This has had its ups and downs for me but nothing I regret.

Number #8: I am proud I am confronting many self-esteem issues head on. Number 9 dealt with external stimuli. Number 8 moves to the heart of the matter within. I have pulled out many of my self fears and doubts. I have looked at my self-esteem issues under the florescent glare of changing room lights and I have begun to work on them. To make myself realize that I am not ugly. That I am not stupid. That I am not nearly as horrible a person that my inner critic insists I am. This is going to be a hard battle but at least now I acknowledge there is a war to be fought.

Number #7: I am proud I have been working at the same place for 2 years and 9 months. In the Silicon Valley, working at a dot.com company is measured in dog years - assuming the dot.com company still exists and isn't under investigation for whatever wrong doing corporate America is accused of today. I'm proud of working here for this long. It proves I have staying power, that the PTB like me and (barring a previously mention exception or two) I like them. Better yet, this is a company of long term people, for the most part. I believe we have a real future and I'm happy to be a part of it.

Number #6: I am proud I have enough practicality to think to my future with investments. I've started doing some long term investing so I don't have to rely on my family to help me out when old age hits. Not only that... I don't want to be forced to work in a 9 to 5 job until I'm 65. I want to be my own boss by the age of 50. Sooner if I can wrangle it. Part of having your head in the clouds is to have your feet firmly planted on the ground.

Number #5: I am proud I have enough dreamer still in me to seek out and pursue new dreams. Too many people hit the age of 30 and assume their live is over. They have put aside those dreams of fame, fortune and adventure for safe, secure, dull lives. Not me. Not yet! I'm pursuing my dream of writing. I'm pursuing my dream of independent freedom. I've even pursued that little dream of getting a cat. No dream is too small. No dream is too big. Not if they are worth it.

Number #4: I am proud I am still debt free. It has been 2 years and 8 months that I have been debt free. I am so proud of being able to go from so far in debt to becoming financial responsible and relatively secure. Secure enough that I am going to buy a new (to me) car. Secure enough that I can give them a small down payment. Secure enough that, even in this awful economy, I know I can make this purchase and will be able to pay it off in a couple of years. Being debt free gives me a good sense of freedom that I enjoy.

Number #3: I am proud I have become a foster mom for rescued kittens. Oh, gosh. This adventure has turned into something I did not expect. Volunteering to foster kittens is a job filled with both love and heartache. Nothing brought that home to me than the death of Sheridan this past Monday. I still cry whenever I think of her. But, at the same time, my heart lifts when I hear from my co-worker that Morden has settled in wonderfully and is thoroughly enjoy his new home. It can be hard to open your heart and home to those innocent scamps... and harder to deal with the reality of letting them go.

Number #2: I am proud I have lost 61 pounds over the last year. I never thought I could do it. I thought I was going to be the fat girl forever. I was afraid of trying because I was afraid of failing. I was even more afraid of trying and succeeding. Afraid that it wasn't the fat that made people look down on me. It was -me-. I've slowly learned that not only are people not looking down at me because I'm fat, they aren't looking down on me at all. I am healthier and happier than I have been in years and, though the road is still tough, I know if I'm tougher I can continue on towards my goals.

Number #1: I am most proud of myself that I finally got off my butt and started following my dream to becoming a professional author. Oh, man, this was a hard one. Fear of rejection loomed so high in this I thought I would never get over my fear of it. Writing is such an integral part of me that it took some time to make myself realize that rejection of my written work was not a personal rejection of me. Now that I am finally making the effort to submit my work, I am getting rejections, but I am also getting accepted and published far more often than I expected. I knew I would never know until I tried and now that I've taken the plunge, it is sink or swim. You can bet I'm swimming my heart out.

AUGUST'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: UnkyRich by THE Rich Taylor. Rich is probably one of the best people I know. He is not perfect and he does have his flaws but his heart and mind are in the right place. It is because of him that I have started confronting my external and internal fears. He challenges me to think and to defend my thoughts or deeds. He is kinder to me than he is with others (at times) because he knows I need that as much as I need him picking on me. Rich is also one of the best damn GMs I have ever had the pleasure to game with. I got into GMing to help pay him back for all of the great adventures (and torments) he has put various of my characters through. Definitely check out his LJ and if you are a gamer with too much time on your hands, check out the original GM's torture device authored by Rich in an effort to help... ah... -involve- players in a game in a more intimately useful way.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hanged Man

The Interview

Last week, a reporter, Glenn Roberts, for the Tri-Valley Herald got in touch with me to discuss online journal writers and the online journal communities. He asked me to answer a few questions and to give him a call. Being the vain sort that I am, I did so. *smile* I spoke to Glenn on the phone for about an hour. We discussed 'regular' journals (like Abstract Thoughts) versus bloggers (like LiveJournal), journaling communities, feedback to journals, what need do OLJs fulfill and several other such topics.

After speaking with him, he asked me to spread the word to local journalists (as in, in the SF Bay Area) and to have them contact him ASAP. I've done some trolling for him. I'm not sure if people have contacted him or not. So, I've done what any other journaler would do... I turned the experience into a journal entry. Below are the questions Glenn sent to me in email and my answers.

1. How long a member of the online diary community? How did you hear about it? What interested you? Had you been keeping a personal journal before that?

Answer: I have been journaling online for just over four years now. I heard about it through the website of a friend and had been reading other online journals for about a month before I decided to try my hand at it. I have always been interested in the lives of other people from the standpoint of an observer. I was attracted to the idea of someone else, that I did not know, being interested in me solely based on my writing. I have kept a journal on and off since about 1990 but it was something I would write in it for a few weeks, then forget it for a few months (or years). That is one of the reasons I wanted to do an OLJ - to force myself to write on a near daily basis. I am the type of person who can let myself down and rationalize it but I hate disappointing others. Even people I don't know.

2. How much feedback get for your site? What types of feedback have you gotten? Any odd stuff? Any friends find you through your site? Do you talk/communicate with others who have online diary sites?

Answer: I guess I get an average of 1 to 2 comments per week on my regular journal. They usually revolve around my weight or my writing. Congratulations, support, comments and questions. As for odd stuff... yes. Everything from questions about being a BBW into BDSM to a man from England wanting to fly out to meet me because he said he was in love. I turned him down. My LiveJournal (LJ) is different. It is much more interactive and I receive comments on a daily basis.

Yes. Some of my friends have found my journal. This was a bit of an issue in the beginning. When I first started journaling, I was the -only- person I knew who did so and I did not tell my friends about it. So, I had no tact filter and said whatever came to mind. I was really rather naïve about the whole thing. When they found it, there was a period of them scouring the archives and having fits over what I had written about them. Then, there was the period of time where, whenever they would talk to me, they would add "But, don't put this in your journal." Finally, when one of my best friends decided to start journaling, she told all of our friends and linked my journal site to hers. All bets (and secrecy) were off. That was a time of adjustment for me and all of my friends. The lesson learned: Don't put anything online that you wouldn't want your family or your best friend or your worst enemy to read.

I often have long email conversations with many other members of the OLJ community. But, those are singular. Once I joined the LJ community - mostly to make use of their software to read all of the LJs of my friends (which were springing up like May flowers), my online journaling became a lot more interactive. That is no fluke. LiveJournal is set up to encourage interactivity.

3. Is the online diary phenomenon a community of sorts? Describe. What is different about internet communication/expression than real life communication? What void is internet expression filling that we could not fill in other ways? Ever had the chance to meet other online diary writers in person? What was that experience like?

Answer: Yes. Most definitely, online journals are a community. Especially with Weblogs and Blogger hosting sites becoming so much more popular now. You can create an LJ then join LJ communities about any and every hobby or group imaginable. For example: I am on the Atkins program. I have joined two LJ communities that come together to discuss high protein, low carb diets and their experiences. I share my successes and failures. I share advice when asked. These people are from all over the country and the world.

I think the difference between internet communications and real life communications is that many of the blocks of face-to-face communication are gone. There is no race, body-shape, disability, bad teeth or even bad smell to put a person off. All that comes through is pure personality. Either the writer's real personality or the personality they choose to portray.

I think, the void filled is the one we lost when the world started to be perceived as too dangerous to sit out on the front porch and wave at passersby. We all want to reach out and communicate with one another. But, we want to do it in a way that we perceive is 'safe.' Internet communication is a way to invite someone into the parlor without inviting them into the home. It is a way to get to know someone on one level before inviting them in closer.

I have met several other online journalists. For the most part, all of my experiences have been good. About half the time, the people I meet are exactly what I thought they would be like from their journal and meeting them has added a new and more personal dimension to reading their journal. One that I enjoy. For the one or two people I have met and did not get along with well - mostly those people who seemed nothing like their journals, I have discovered that, after meeting, and not liking, them... I lose interest in their journal and take it off my read list.

4. Are you the same online as in person? Diaries are extremely personal, so it seems paradoxical that you'd want to share so much with everyone written in an online diary. If you were writing a private diary, how different would it be?

Answer: It is one of the things I pride myself on. I am who I portray myself to be - the good, the bad, the ugly, the wistful, the hopeful, the optimist. It is easy to be brave to a computer screen. It is even easier to share some extremely intimate details of your life with people you have never met. It is my friends who sometime have issues with some of the details of my life.

If I were writing a private journal only, I think I would be a lot more blunt and mean. My tact filter would be gone. My anger and scorn would have full reign because I would know that my friend would never read what I had written. At the same time, I would probably confess more of my wants and desires as well. How much I care for someone and wish I could be with them - even though they were married. All of the thoughts that we have every day but keep to ourselves for the sake of those around us.

5. Some have said that the relative anonymity of the net is what draws people to it. But the online diary phenomenon seems counter to this. While on one hand some people worry that the Internet is too invasive and is stripping us of privacy, how do you explain the phenomenon of online personal journals? Is it cyber-exhibitionism? Virtual soul-searching? How does it feel to have others know so much about you who you've never met? What kind of guard do you keep up when you are writing your online journal?

Answer: Simple. People, as a whole, want to be noticed and to be praised. An OLJ is wonderful for that. It is more than the simple want to expose one's self. It is a was to express our need to connect with others that one may not be able to get in their every day life.

Honestly, I generally don't think about the other people when I am writing in my journal. My journal is mostly for me, tailored to the fact that I do have an audience. Journalers are usually a narcissistic bunch. We are focused on ourselves in our journals. We focus on others when we turn our attentions to their lives. There is a definite separation. At least, there is for me.

There are a couple of things I do to protect my privacy. Generally, these things are enough. I don't post where I work. I don't post my address or phone number. I generally don't post my last name in my journal. Most of all, for those things that are really private, I leave in my private journal on paper. Some events and details of my life and thoughts never make it to my regular journal or my LJ. Having this private part of my journal is important to me. Sometimes, I have to say things to myself that I don't want anyone else to 'overhear.' I'm probably not the only one who does this.

AUGUST'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: UnkyRich by THE Rich Taylor. Rich is probably one of the best people I know. He is not perfect and he does have his flaws but his heart and mind are in the right place. It is because of him that I have started confronting my external and internal fears. He challenges me to think and to defend my thoughts or deeds. He is kinder to me than he is with others (at times) because he knows I need that as much as I need him picking on me. Rich is also one of the best damn GMs I have ever had the pleasure to game with. I got into GMing to help pay him back for all of the great adventures (and torments) he has put various of my characters through. Definitely check out his LJ and if you are a gamer with too much time on your hands, check out the original GM's torture device authored by Rich in an effort to help... ah... -involve- players in a game in a more intimately useful way.

Tarot Card for the Day: The World

Victory and Loss

The special CAST game on Saturday was a boatload of fun. For the Conclave, it turned out that there were more NPCs than PCs and it really contributed to the over all feel that Marin was being over run by strange kindred for this 'minor' meeting.

I got to play Marina Sheffield. The Prince of Concord and the designated bad guy (er.. girl) for the night. I was the one prosecuting Atticus for causing the death of the Prince of San Francisco and the death of the ex-prince of Newhaven. While the evidence was seriously stacked against Atticus, the overall deck was seriously stacked against Marina, since Atticus is well liked by the court. I think, if I heard "But, this is Atticus. Atticus wouldn't do that." one more time, I was going to start throttling people.

Atticus would, could and did do a lot of what Marina accused him of. OK... so, 90% of it was in the past and had already been dealt with.... and that other 10% had been fabricated. But, Atticus is not all sweetness and light, people! *laugh*

Still, with all that... I -almost- won. I had gotten the barrister for the Camarilla on my side because he has an obsession about impossible odds and after speaking to the Newhaven court, I went and complained to him. I knew Marina was to lose... but man. But, with the barrister on my side... I almost won because it came down to status and the barrister had more status than anyone. When the barrister was asked if he would swear that Atticus was guilty, the player, Dave, paused for about two minutes because he wasn't sure if this was the point in which he was supposed to condemn or save Atticus. The character would have (probably) condemned him and won the case... but being NPCs, we have a duty to the STs. Ah, well. So, close... (Insert a "Kaaaaaaaaaaaahn!" yell here.)

Even I will admit that the cheer that went up with the barrister damn near whispered "No." and thus, Atticus was innocent and free... was pretty darned cool to see. It really cheered the court to win this one. There really was a moment when everyone thought the Archon could have been forced to kill his clansmate and friend. I think that made the victory all the more sweeter for the court of Newhaven. Marina had a nice little temper tantrum, then flew the coop before those who had been working on bringing about her demise could grab her.

After the game, there were player awards. Much to my surprise and pleasure, three months after I had left the CAST game, I still won the "Best Online Roleplayer" award for my forum RP in downtimes. That was really cool. I even got a neato-keen plaque to go with it. I almost got sniffly over it all. The other awards were well placed, too. It was neat to see the players award their fellows for the roleplay.

My weight is way up. Six pounds. I'm not surprised. I've spent the last week wantonly binging because of the death of one of my foster kittens. The day she was put to sleep, because of contracting cerebellar hypoplasia, I went out and got Krispy Kreme donuts, chips and ice cream. I knew exactly what I was doing and why. I was eating for comfort. I turned my brain off and ate. I let the sugar and the carbs take me where they wanted.

By the second day, when I was a little bit more calm, I really thought about what I was doing and I decided that, sometimes, circumstances should allow for diet breaks and I gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted, whenever and however much I wanted for the next week. I knew I was grieving. I still am. I really loved that little kitten.

So. That's what I did. I grieved and ate. Ate and grieved. I didn't suppress it. I think... it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Now, I'm ready to put the reigns back on and be good. I noted how I felt when I was off the diet - the fatigue and mood swings and the hunger. It was a good reminder. I am ready for the structure again. I am going into a two week induction to kick start things and to put me on track.

I guess that was the lesson for this week. Sometimes, you have to just let it ride.

It has been one week since Sheridan died. I have less than one week with Delenn and Sinclair now. I've been having to force myself away from being too lovey with them. They are not my kittens. They belong to someone else. Next Sunday, I will be dropping them off and I'll never see them again. I don't know if I would prefer it that way or not. It's probably for the best.

After all of the kittens are gone, I am not going to get any more kittens for a couple of weeks. This is good in the fact that I really need to steam clean the back carpets and I have a convention to go to at the end of the month. I think the break will tell me if I can handle "revolving kittens" or if I really do need/want a cat of my own.

Fostering kittens has been really rewarding for me so far, despite the heartache. I want to continue doing it. I just don't know if I can. We'll see.

On the writing front, Doll 2 - The Bath, is done at 3000 words. It's a little longer than what I wanted, but it is hard to have an in-depth discussion on BDSM and power exchange, while in the middle of a sexy bath scene in less words. I'm going to let it sit for a week or two. Then, I'll do a scouring edit to see if I can't trim down the words a bit. Over all, though, I am pleased with the result.

I'm currently working on editing The Rescue of King Byron for Campaign magazine. I have to see if they want to use the commissioned images I have of her now for their cover or inside the magazine. Gen Con is this weekend, so I think I'm going to have to wait until after it to pose my question to the editor. Also, after Gen Con, they should have a much better idea of whether or not they are going to want to contract more Hucked Tankard Tales.

I've gotten the proof back for The Ruins in Closet Desires IV: Flights of Fantasy. I'm not sure I like all of the editing they did in order to create a 'consistent look and feel' to all of the stories in the anthology. I'm going to really go over it tonight and respond with my comments. This is rather exciting, really. This is my first novel proof.

Also, my author websites: www.jenniferbrozek.com and www.edenblackthorn.com are live now. For both, I wanted to keep them simple and clean. The JB site, my SFF author site, has a 'rough draft' theme that I find amusing. The EB site, my Erotica author site, is just elegant and simple. I may want to add a "News" section to both sites to mention new acceptances, rejections, receipt of proofs and the like.

AUGUST'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: UnkyRich by THE Rich Taylor. Rich is probably one of the best people I know. He is not perfect and he does have his flaws but his heart and mind are in the right place. It is because of him that I have started confronting my external and internal fears. He challenges me to think and to defend my thoughts or deeds. He is kinder to me than he is with others (at times) because he knows I need that as much as I need him picking on me. Rich is also one of the best damn GMs I have ever had the pleasure to game with. I got into GMing to help pay him back for all of the great adventures (and torments) he has put various of my characters through. Definitely check out his LJ and if you are a gamer with too much time on your hands, check out the original GM's torture device authored by Rich in an effort to help... ah... -involve- players in a game in a more intimately useful way.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Lovers, Inverted

[2002.09.13 - Edited due to personal reasons.]

However, turning to better work related things, I've just been handed a great new product assignment. Seems I've impressed someone up in Portland with my diligence. Not only will I be working on the new EE product for system testing, I've been loaned to the EE Team Lead for EE functional testing, too. I'm going to be writing 90% of the test cases for the functional AND systems requirements. This, of course, means I have to slog through some 500 pages of documentation but I'm still excited. It's a new major product and I have a major part to play.

Someone remind me of this excitement in November and December when I am cursing its very existence. *grin*

On the writing front, I completed my Shapers of the Unknown assignment #3 - the one I picked for everyone. It was to go through two open market listings on the Ralan site, decide if you could/would write for the market and why. This was my way of getting my writing group to realize what is out there. So far, I'm the only one who has completed it by the due date. I think I'm going to be the only one who does it. *sigh* Though, on the good side, I've discovered there are a LOT of open markets in the paying Speculative Fiction group. If I don't do it before Conquest, I will have an awful lot of submissions to make afterwards. September's submissions will focus on my SFF writing instead of my erotica. I don't expect the same acceptance rate but I do hope for some.

Also, I have finished my first full edit of The Rescue of King Bryon. I'm pleased with it. Except... it's just under 2900 words long and I -think- that's too long for the space allotted. I have emailed the editor to get a maximum word count for my section in Campaign magazine so I know how much I need to trim. If I'm lucky, with the new artwork I provided for Edanya, the editor will let me spill over from two pages to three and I won't have to trim anything. A girl can dream, can't she?

I have decided that a new laser printer is an absolute must to help with my writing career. There are too many markets I can write for, who want only hard copy submissions, that I'm not going for right now because my current laser printer is old and grabs too many pages at once and jams on a dust mote - thus, I hate doing hard copy printing. Besides, these days... you can get a decent b/w laser printer for less than $100.

On the gaming writing front... I am completely stalled on my Vodacce plotline for my game at Conquest. I may have to move it from a Vodacce only game to a mixed bag with the same basic plotline idea/format. Currently, the plotline format is:

1. Opening scene/introduction.
2. Information gathering section.
3. Mini-boss fight.
4. Final information gathering/planning.
5. Final boss fight and victory.

Finally, I had a great idea hit me for a fun modern day fantasy story but I needed a name for an all purpose store. On the way to work, I came up with "Omnimart." A nice, simple, generic name... that I later found out had been used in a gaming supplement by Rick Stoeltz. Darn it! *sigh* So... after a lot of searching around, I debated between Onginnan's (the source) and Chapman's (the merchant's). I think, I'm going to go with Chapman's because it is more modern and easier to say.

When I got into work today, I found that MM had sent me an email telling me that I needed to do a short trip up to Portland to meet with the EE team! It seems, I'm working with them fulltime now. *cheer* Well... it is good and bad. You see, I'm going to be there for only one day. Leave my house at 4:30am and arrive home at 8pm. Whirlwind business trip. *whew* It looks like I'm only going to spend about 6 hours in the Portland office. The rest of that time will be travel/security. Joy. I'm a little sad that it isn't more time. I would like to spend a bit more time seeing Portland again and considering it for relocation. Ah, well. I'll take what I can get.

AUGUST'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: UnkyRich by THE Rich Taylor. Rich is probably one of the best people I know. He is not perfect and he does have his flaws but his heart and mind are in the right place. It is because of him that I have started confronting my external and internal fears. He challenges me to think and to defend my thoughts or deeds. He is kinder to me than he is with others (at times) because he knows I need that as much as I need him picking on me. Rich is also one of the best damn GMs I have ever had the pleasure to game with. I got into GMing to help pay him back for all of the great adventures (and torments) he has put various of my characters through. Definitely check out his LJ and if you are a gamer with too much time on your hands, check out the original GM's torture device authored by Rich in an effort to help... ah... -involve- players in a game in a more intimately useful way.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Wands

The Kitten Update

Two months, almost to the day, after I got my first batch of kittens, they have all been adopted or died. Dropping off Delenn and Sinclair turned into an adventure when the kittens, not liking their cardboard carrying case, managed to bend down one of the supporting flaps and slip out the bottom. It was a shock to have my carrying case suddenly go light. Fortunately, the kittens were just as shocked at escaping as I was and just stood there, sniffing the outside while I literally dropped everything and grabbed them.

I showed up at the new owner's apartment with kittens in hand and nothing else. I quickly explained what had happened as I put the kittens in their "designated-for-the-moment" room then went back for everything else. The guy's mom had surprise flown in for his 30th birthday, so she was there too and they both fawned over das kittens.

Once I got back inside, gave the paperwork over to the new owner and sat on the bed, both kittens came to huddle by me. I had a great sense of satisfaction that they sought me out for comfort and security in this strange place even though I knew I was leaving them behind. I calmed them down as I spoke to mom and son, admiring all of the toys they bought for their new 'kids.' Those kittens are going to be spoiled rotten. There is no doubt in my mind that they will have long, satisfying lives with a doting 'Dad' who will do anything they want.

He even took a series of pictures of them on their first day at his apartment and sent me the URL. They relaxed completely after being bribed with fishchips and the neatest looking cat-condo treehouse thing. Apparently, they are exploring -everything- much to everyone's delight. Not only that, "Dad" is on disability for the next month due to RSI of the shoulder. So, he will be there daily to really bond with them

I'm really happy for them but I'm in a weird space. I keep looking for the kittens at home. I've discovered that my sneakers are the exact shade of gray that Delenn's fur is and every time I caught a glimpse of them from the corner of my eye, I thought Delenn was 'home.' I'm resisting cleaning up all of their stuff for the moment because... I don't know... just because. I'll do it tonight sometime. I do miss my darling mess makers.

After I dropped off Delenn and Sinclair, I dropped by Jean's to check on Little Bit. That little scamp is an alpha bully boy if I ever saw one. He's not even half a pound, yet, at about 8-9 weeks old, and he is constantly challenging the older cats 10-20 times his weight and mass. At this point, half of the older ones avoid him because they don't want him attached to their tails. He was all wiggling, waving paws with me when he wasn't chirping in my ear.

He's still eating wet food in a slurping sucking manner that shows he really wasn't weaned right but, there's not much Jean can do about it with him refusing a bottle and dry crunchies for now. But, he's not all vim, vinegar and attacking. He is the companion to a little disabled kitten whose jaw is not formed right and has a bad heart. Against her best knowledge and better judgment, Jean just can't put that disabled kitten down. It's too hard for her. So, she's keeps him. The vet tells her that he's in no pain and it will most likely die in his sleep in the next few weeks. In the meantime, Little Bit is his big brother, sleeping companion and playmate.

After my little vacation at the beginning of September, I will be ready to take on my next batch of foster kitties. Little Bit may be among them. I don't know. We'll see. I'll let you know when I know. We'll see how I deal with the next couple of weeks being kittenless.

After a little bit of help from Howard and Bob, I finally have a plotline for the Conquest 7th Sea game, Tangled Threads. *grin* It's a good one, too. I'm just hoping it isn't too complicated. The whole back story is somewhat complex... so, I may write up some sort of "This is what really started this all" type of background to hand out after the game. I'll have to be careful to make sure the game plot is fairly simplistic, but important, to that story.

In the meantime, I've decided to take the 5000 or so words I've written on the TTB and toss them out. I'm keeping all of the universe notes and constants and non-story elements I've created and researched but because I keep getting distracted by my submissions, my other writing, my journal, my gaming, my work, my kittens... and everything else - which keeps stalling me on really getting into the TTB, I'm going to join the NaNoWrMo and write the whole bloody story during that month.

I am dedicating November to that novel. No other writing, save journal writing, will be done. (At least, that is the theory and goal.) I want to be able to focus on the story and continue on the roll that happens when you are that focused on something. Until then, I'm not going to write anything on it at all storywise. Mostly because the story keeps shifting in my mind. Partly because that's part of the rules.

Black Gate, Issue #4 is out with two more of my articles. The Fairymeat review and the Dark Side sourcebook review. There is a great Cthulhu based bit of fiction in this issue called "The Loiterer in the Lobby" by Michael Kaufmann and Mark McLaughlin that I found highly amusing and well worth reading.

This weekend was pretty good. I'll admit, I was dissatisfied by the end of the 7th Sea game, but I've bitched about it enough in my LJ. So, I'm not going to bitch about it here. On the other hand, I ended up going to Bob's D&D game instead of the UA LARP because of two things - 1. I agreed to the D&D game before the LARP and forgot. 2. Bob looked really unhappy that I wasn't going to come and my character was a focal point in this current plot.

I decided since I was going to go to Bob's anyway, I arrived a few hours early to take a swim. It was awesome! I really enjoyed myself, despite my awkwardness in the pool and figuring out how to use the noodles. We spent a good two hours in the pool, splashing around like spastic puppies (Ok, that was just me) and I didn't even burn because I remembered my sunscreen. It was so nice, I'm going to make sure I do it again soon.

Sunday, before I dropped the kittens off, I distracted myself with lunch with Rich. We had a good time. We talked about this and that and I teased him a little on his full beard. I gave him my extra copy of Black Gate #4 and showed him my tiny secret project for the Good Omens GM group - custom business cards for the GMs at Conquest. I'm going to be making 20 business cards per GO GM who is running at Conquest to give out at their game.

Rich and I vaguely nattered about needing a GO website and I agreed. I really don't have the time to add it to my list of websites to upkeep.... but I may... later in the year... if cycles open up. (Hah!) hmmm... goodomens.org and goodomens.net seem to be open.... Must tell Rich.

AUGUST'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: UnkyRich by THE Rich Taylor. Rich is probably one of the best people I know. He is not perfect and he does have his flaws but his heart and mind are in the right place. It is because of him that I have started confronting my external and internal fears. He challenges me to think and to defend my thoughts or deeds. He is kinder to me than he is with others (at times) because he knows I need that as much as I need him picking on me. Rich is also one of the best damn GMs I have ever had the pleasure to game with. I got into GMing to help pay him back for all of the great adventures (and torments) he has put various of my characters through. Definitely check out his LJ and if you are a gamer with too much time on your hands, check out the original GM's torture device authored by Rich in an effort to help... ah... -involve- players in a game in a more intimately useful way.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Moon

Caution and Valor

For those of you who like to wander through journal archives, you will find that they have been edited. Between the 18th and 20th of August, the Tri-Valley Herald is going to run that feature about online journals. It looks like I'm going to be one of the focuses of it. Right down to me having my picture and URL in the paper. That means, there is a serious potential for an awful lot of my co-workers to find the journal and to learn way too much about me. I'm pretty well known for keeping my worktime and playtime VERY separated.

After some hard thinking, I decided that caution is the better part of valor and censored my archives of anything work-related that could be considered 'controversial' to the HR department. I have heard way too many horror stories about people being reprimanded, harassed and fired once someone at their work found out about their OLJs. Too many not to be cautious. Not only that, I don't think the whole company needs to know some of the dirty laundry from the QA department that we've been dealing with lately.

It's funny that the only things I felt I needed to censor were me bitching about various co-workers, snide comments on policy changes and the like. Not once did I consider removing the *ahem* references or the fact that, along with my SFF writing, I am also an erotica author. Maybe it is because I live in the Bay area and, pretty much, no one really cares about that here. To each their own.

I really hated to censor my journal like that. I really did. But, it's probably for the best. Ah, well.

Now... speaking on a work related topic that I -can- talk about... my trip to Portland was long, exhausting and really productive. My new team lead is an easy going, smart man who really has his act together. We compliment each others' strengths and filled in on weaknesses. We've figured out a good division of labor and I pretty much have the rest of my year mapped out for me. Seriously. There is so much to do, it's scary. I know just enough to be truly frightened by the scope of it all. Still, and this is the screwy thing, I'm really excited about it! It's a great new product with a lot of potential.

The trip itself went off without a hitch - mostly. My first taxi guy was 20 minutes late due to a passed out passenger. I was freaked, remembering my Oakland experience, thinking I was going to miss my plane. Nope. Fortunately, San Jose is 1000% better than Oakland. Since I had no luggage, I walked in, walked through security and was at the gate with an hour to spare.

I love traveling on Alaska Air. I swear, no more Southwest for me. Everything was smooth and calm. They had an electronic check-in system that let me not only check in for that flight but for my return flight, too! Right then. The seats were small but I fit. The in-flight 'snack' turned out to be a yummy energy bar on the way up and a good roast beast sandwich with a mint chocolate treat on the way back.

My taxi rides were interesting but the last two made me feel positively yuppyish. I was driven by an American, a Russian, a Spaniard and an African. When I left the Portland office and got in the taxi, I was tired enough that I couldn't remember what the airport designation was. So, I just said, "To the airport, please."
He responded, surprised, "No luggage?!"
"No... I flew up this morning."
"Wow. Expensive. Where you from?"
"Oh, the job paid for it. I'm from San Francisco."
"Really. Bet you're smart. You go to college?"
"Yes."
"That's right... That's what I'm sayin' ... That's why you get paid the big bucks."
He went on to ask me my GPA and what I did. He was amusing as he randomly chatted about the weather and the traffic.

From San Jose to Fremont, I had the pleasure to ride with a man from Somalia. He was a quiet man who was extremely deferential. Asked me if I wanted the AC on, if I didn't mind if we listened news, if I was in a rush.... that sort of thing. He had a silent watchfulness about him. He was a good driver, if a little intimidated, it seemed, by the rush hour traffic. He got me home, safe and sound. I don't know what the going rate for tipping taxi drivers is.... so, I stuck to about 10% just to be safe. He got a little more than that.

I got in, updated my LJ that I was back, had dinner and crashed -hard- for 9 hours and didn't want to get up. Almost didn't cause my alarm clock didn't go off. But, I was having a funky dream. So, I got up about 30 minutes late.

One of the more interesting things about my Portland trip was how good the city felt to me. San Francisco feels big and jarring. Portland feels big and welcoming. When I mentioned that I had lived in Portland previously and I had been pondering the idea of moving back... maybe transferring up there.... the idea was greeted with welcome enthusiasm. I was told that they would love me up there and that there are many nice apartment buildings within a mile of the office as well.

Suddenly, the possibility of moving to Portland is a much more honestly viable option. This both thrills and terrifies me. It means, I really have to seriously consider this option now. It is off the "nice to dream about" list and on the "do I REALLY want to do this" list. Seriously, I could move up to Portland as soon as next January since my lease is up in February. All I need to do is talk to various bosses and see what they think about the idea.

*whew* I love the Bay area but it is so expensive. Portland is a great city and I am comfortable there. The cost of living is about 2/3rds that of the Bay Area. I could transfer with a job. That, in and of itself, is extremely attractive. But...

But... what about the people of the Bay area? I could drive down for one of the conventions and maybe a vacation. But it wouldn't be the same. There would be no more LARPs from here. No more hanging out with Johanna and Alex.... or trips to the beach with Bill. No more Bob or Howard games. No more lunch with Rich. No more carpooling with Casey. Also, what about the Furry Friends Org?

If I could just take some of my friends with me... make it the Great Gamer Migration... this would be a no brainer. Portland truly resonates with me... it does. I can't explain it, this comfort I feel there. The question now is whether or not I want to pick up and start all over again.

I don't know. Portland and Seattle have a series of great conventions. I know some people from both Portland and Seattle. It wouldn't be the close gaming circle I have here but there ARE gaming circles up there... ditto on BDSM groups... ditto on writing groups... So, I would be able to find like-minded people. Eventually, I could find a core group of friends again.

I just wish I could move and take a couple of closer friends with me. After spending the early part of my life moving around, I like having a close set of core friends whom I trust. I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to find that again.

AUGUST'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: UnkyRich by THE Rich Taylor. Rich is probably one of the best people I know. He is not perfect and he does have his flaws but his heart and mind are in the right place. It is because of him that I have started confronting my external and internal fears. He challenges me to think and to defend my thoughts or deeds. He is kinder to me than he is with others (at times) because he knows I need that as much as I need him picking on me. Rich is also one of the best damn GMs I have ever had the pleasure to game with. I got into GMing to help pay him back for all of the great adventures (and torments) he has put various of my characters through. Definitely check out his LJ and if you are a gamer with too much time on your hands, check out the original GM's torture device authored by Rich in an effort to help... ah... -involve- players in a game in a more intimately useful way.

Tarot Card for the Day: Eight of Cups, Inverted

Taking a Break

I've decided to take a break from my diet for a couple of weeks. I've been stuttering on it since the beginning of the month due various reasons plus I have a vacation and a Gaming Convention coming up at the end of the month. Rather than try half-heartedly to stay on it, fail and feel guilty, I'm just pressing the pause button.

I've been on the Atkins diet for just over a year now and I've lost 55-60 pounds. That's a good deal of weight. But... I've lost my enthusiasm and my momentum. It's time for me to relax a little and start fresh again on Sep 9th, the Monday after my vacation. I think I'm going to modify my Atkins log to do the first year Aug 2001 to Aug 2002, then start fresh and new as of Sep 2002. Literally act as if this is the first time on the diet. All my past successes and failures will be in the past. Year 2 will be a clean slate.

I think, in an odd way, I have been held back by my past success, not really worrying enough about my recent slow down to honestly work on it. Dieting is work. Exercising is work. This diet has been the easiest diet I've ever been on and stuck to... but lately I've grown sloppy and lazy. I'm skipping my walks and my knee exercises. I'm indulging too much in carbs and not really getting into ketosis. Mostly because when someone asks how much weight I've lost, I can chirp proudly, "60 pounds so far." Then though I know.... the first 40 pounds had been lost in 2001 and I've been slow going in 2002.

So... I'm hitting the reset button. When someone asks from now on (well, starting in September), I'm going to answer "So far this year... 5 pounds." Or something like that. The bigger number made me lazy and proud. The smaller number is going to make me itchy to make it bigger. I get a lot of pleasure at telling my watchers the larger number and having people notice... "Gosh, Jenn... you look like you're loosing weight again." But, that's something I haven't heard in about 2 months.

I know I'm going to gain some weight in this relaxed period. It is bound to happen. So, I'll have to create a new chart of mini-goals and treats. Now that I think about it, I feel that this is definitely the right course of action. It's like speeding up a hill. Sometimes, you have to take your foot off the gas for a moment before stepping on it to go faster again. I think that's what has happened to me.

So... as of now, no more weigh-ins until September 9th.

Things are going wonderfully on the writing front. Campaign magazine has just contracted me to do three more Hucked Tankard tales! Apparently, the feedback from the first one at Gen Con was quite good. So, they are going to have me finish out the year and we'll see what happens for 2003. I'm thrilled to pieces over this. I've edited and sent in The Rescue of King Byron. Fortunately, at 2800 words, my editor told it wasn't too long. It'll just take up three pages, plus the commissioned artwork from Brandon. The next Hucked Tankard tale, I believe, will be either The Warrior's Call or Ale Kittens.

Also on the writing/editing front, I've completed writing/editing Doll #2 - The Bath for Ms. Abby. It landed at 3000 words. I sent it to two male friends for opinions and had them panting. Always a good sign! *hehehe* I like it when my writing gets an emotional or physical response from my audience. I've decided on the story for Doll #3. It will be a story about limits and spanking as a reward. The tentative title is: Percussive Maintainence. It's not due until Sept 30th. But, what can I say, I'm inspired.

Though, there is one bit of writing that I really need to get my act together on... and that is the story and plotline for Tangled Threads. I have less than two weeks to get that game together in my head and prepared for Conquest. Otherwise, things are going to go all pear-shaped in a big hurry at the convention. That is what I'm going to work on this week in the evenings. I know I can't work on it a work at lunch time. I have way too much to do for my new project that I'm probably going to be working through my lunchs for the next couple of weeks to make sure I get all my stuff done/ready before my vacation.

Thinking of Conquest, we played in Blinkie's vampire playtest. That was pretty good. We all made a series of characters, then picked one we didn't make to play. I ended up grabbing a 15th gen Seer chick. She pretty much couldn't do anything but have psychic visions and sorta shoot a gun. However, those visions were very valuable and I could see why she had ended up as the Prince's Seer. It was a fun game with a good premise. We gave Blinkie our feedback and I think it'll go over well at the convention.

AUGUST'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: UnkyRich by THE Rich Taylor. Rich is probably one of the best people I know. He is not perfect and he does have his flaws but his heart and mind are in the right place. It is because of him that I have started confronting my external and internal fears. He challenges me to think and to defend my thoughts or deeds. He is kinder to me than he is with others (at times) because he knows I need that as much as I need him picking on me. Rich is also one of the best damn GMs I have ever had the pleasure to game with. I got into GMing to help pay him back for all of the great adventures (and torments) he has put various of my characters through. Definitely check out his LJ and if you are a gamer with too much time on your hands, check out the original GM's torture device authored by Rich in an effort to help... ah... -involve- players in a game in a more intimately useful way.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Lovers, Inverted

Sabbat Pack Advertisers

Tuesday, we endured a 100+ minute long company meeting that ended with the new Ad agency presenting themselves and their advertising ideas. It was amusing. Casey and I were sitting in the back, eyeing the presenters then, almost at the same time, turned to one another and started telling the other that the Ad people were vampires.

At first, we went Camarilla, declaring that the leader was a Ventrue, the bald guy was Tremere, the English guy in a LOUD snakeskin shirt had to be Malkavian and the perky woman was a Toreador. Then, Casey decided that he thought the Ventrue guy was more of a Lasombra type because of the shadows around him and thinking about it... I had to agree. So, switching gears.... the Ventrue was actually Lasombra, the Tremere was a Setite - which really fit with his lisp and admission that he sold snake oil, the Malkavian and the Toreador were both antitribu.

In that context, the presentation got all the more interesting and much to my utter surprise... I actually liked the commercial ideas, the magazine ideas, how to make the company name well known and the 'guerrilla' advertising tactics I thought were actually pretty ingenious. This company is 1000% better than the last company who worked for us.

Still... there was that little bit of smarminess that all advertising people have that was tinged with enough the oily malevolence to continuously make me think of vampires and want me to start pondering a story around the whole idea. I was almost disappointed when none of them burst into flame as the sun streamed in through the windows.

A week off of Atkins and I have some notes for myself

CONS
1. Boy, my body does not like switching gears. On the TMI side of things, my waste is suddenly -really- stinky. I thought it was supposed to be the other way around.
2. I am always hungry. I have to eat more to get full and I get hungry sooner.
3. The acid tummy is back.
4. Not getting enough water.
5. My face is breaking out again.
6. I am tired a lot of the time.

PROS
1. ICE CREAM!
2. Food is a lot easier to get and eat. Let time thinking about which thing I can have or can't have.
3. The stress of what I can/can't eat is gone. It is nice to just relax about food for a little bit.

On the writing side of things... my work starts being published at Fetish Fancy as of October 2002. *cheer* I've picked out the first set of stories.

I've written 80% of Tangled Threads for Conquest now. There's only a little bit left. Which is good since I only have about a week to get it all done.

I got back comments on my Black Gate articles and have to do a couple of small rewrites. I'll do that this weekend.

I so scored this last week on eBay. I managed to get the entire Casca: The Eternal Mercenary series by Barry Sadler for about $5 a book. All 22 novels. The bibliophile in me is in heaven. Almost all, if not all, of the Casca series is out of print. I've been wanting to have this series ever since my college buddy, Debi, loaned a couple to me so many years ago.

AUGUST'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: UnkyRich by THE Rich Taylor. Rich is probably one of the best people I know. He is not perfect and he does have his flaws but his heart and mind are in the right place. It is because of him that I have started confronting my external and internal fears. He challenges me to think and to defend my thoughts or deeds. He is kinder to me than he is with others (at times) because he knows I need that as much as I need him picking on me. Rich is also one of the best damn GMs I have ever had the pleasure to game with. I got into GMing to help pay him back for all of the great adventures (and torments) he has put various of my characters through. Definitely check out his LJ and if you are a gamer with too much time on your hands, check out the original GM's torture device authored by Rich in an effort to help... ah... -involve- players in a game in a more intimately useful way.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Swords, Inverted

Randomly Panicked Emotions

This last weekend was a study in roller coaster emotions for me. Even worse than normal. I really wonder how much of the wildly swinging emotions was due to what I'm eating (or not eating) right now.

Friday: Totally exhausted all day. I ended up begging off the 7th Seas game to stay home and get to bed before 2am. I did have a sushi dinner with GregE and David. That was pretty nice.

Saturday: As I was waking up, I was struck with a serious case of angsty ennui. "No one knows me in the game. No one cares if I'm there or not. I'm not connected to anyone. I'm just gonna say home and mope... er... I mean, rest." But, after I got up and did some chores and running around and the time approached for me to leave, I pulled my mood out of the trash and my head out of my butt and forced myself to go because I almost always have a good time at the You Did It LARP.

Once there, people greeted me warmly and chatted with me. It was pretty cool. I ended up talking to a couple of people about how I was feeling so out of the loop and how hard it was to LARP in a LARP without good friends. (Dave and Lori were out of town again and Rich, as usual, couldn't make it.) To my surprise, I got firmly reassured that I was wanted, as was my character. It was very nice. Then, throughout the evening, I got whacked with a 2x4 by the Crush fairy and that's set of a series of randomly panicking emotions at randomly inconvenient times.

Sunday: While still dealing with the Crush fairy, I got way complimented when an endlessly fascinating lass from the UA LARP contacted me to talk about the object of my crush (she guessed) and to offer her hand in friendship. That was awesome. I don't have enough female friends and this one is less than 50 miles away. She's very neat.

Then, was Howard's Star Wars game. I am now going to refer to Mr. Hall as either Master Von Hall or Captain Von Hall from now on due to his extravagantly luxurious and gorgeous brand new house in Discovery Bay. This house more than rivals the mansion I lived in when I was in Belgium. It is stunning. Right off the 12th green with a pool and... oh, there are no words for me to describe this gorgeous house adequately. With vaulted ceilings, an open 2nd story, brick barbeque grill, at least 5 bedrooms plus the downstairs den and the living room that made Howard's big screen TV look small... *sigh* This house is so out of my range that I can't even begin to have house envy.

In contract, the Star Wars game was a study in frustration for more than just me. Howard has linked a major but hidden plot to Bob and Jeff's characters. No big deal there. It's nice not to be the focus. However, even when I'm the focus, I share tasks and responsibilities. I want the others involved. Bob's character, Celan, is not doing this. I understand Celan's IC reasons for trying to not work with the rest of the group but it's damn frustrating to spend hours on end doing either nothing or being ICly blocked from doing anything once you DO have a chance to do something. It's doubly worse for Johanna.

From BenL: A quote from you, in one of the recent weblogging articles: "Internet communication is a way to invite someone into the parlor without inviting them into the home." That's got to be one of the best turns of phrase I've seen in quite a while. What a wonderful use of metaphor! *That's* why you're a writer: because you can do things like this. Go Jen!

This is the most awesome compliment! Ben is an extremely witty and smart guy whose graduate work has him working in (I think) Microsoft's (or is that IBM?) think tank. He is often invited/paid to go to conferences in Europe to speak about what he knows. He's just that smart. He plays Lord Gloucester to my Lady Zjiria in Rich's Ethyria game and his understanding of English heraldry, mixed with Victorian mannerisms makes for a very fun game. It's very keen that he's impressed by something I did.

Good Omens ConQuest Flyer teaser for Tangled Threads:

In a country where every person has an ulterior motive and altruism never is, how can you trust anyone from the Vodacce court? Especially, a fate witch. Then again, when this fate witch seeks you out on the advice of your sister and friend, how can you turn her away? Especially when she tells you that the fate of Vodacce, and, perhaps, all of Theah, now rests in your hands. That, if you do not assist her now, there is a distinct possibility that Legion himself will rise, swallowing all of the lands of Theah within his eternal night.

It is a dangerous quest, one that promises great reward if you succeed and great pain if you fail. You and each of your friends has their own reason for agreeing to this quest. Each reason is as personal and complex as the next. The only thing you do know is that you can count on your friends in this matter. They will be there to guard your back when none other will.

Can you find the fabled artifact known as the "Blood of Theus" and unweave the tangled web of deceit before this Legion-born plot is able to fulfill its own bloody destiny?

AUGUST'S JOURNAL SPOTLIGHT: UnkyRich by THE Rich Taylor. Rich is probably one of the best people I know. He is not perfect and he does have his flaws but his heart and mind are in the right place. It is because of him that I have started confronting my external and internal fears. He challenges me to think and to defend my thoughts or deeds. He is kinder to me than he is with others (at times) because he knows I need that as much as I need him picking on me. Rich is also one of the best damn GMs I have ever had the pleasure to game with. I got into GMing to help pay him back for all of the great adventures (and torments) he has put various of my characters through. Definitely check out his LJ and if you are a gamer with too much time on your hands, check out the original GM's torture device authored by Rich in an effort to help... ah... -involve- players in a game in a more intimately useful way.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Pentacles