August 2000

Happy Birthday Abstract Thoughts

o/~ Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Anniversary dear Abstract Thoughts... Happy Birthday to you. o/~

Abstract Thoughts is two years old today. Wow. I'm a little amazed that it's still going. Then again, writing in this journal has become a definite habit for me now. It's neat to be able to look back and see what I was doing a year or two years ago. It also does put things in perspective. It lets me remember those things that I was stressing about so badly back then and to figure out how they are affecting my life now.

I got to see the first episode of UltraViolet last night. It is a British made show about modern day vampires. It's called 'UltraViolet' because a vampire bite heals almost instantly and the only way you can see it is if you look at it under an ultraviolet light.

I have got to see the rest of this show! Wow! Technocracy vs. Vampires and the Technocracy are the good guys! High tech weapons. High tech vampires. I really enjoyed it. I liked the acting and the storyline that I saw.

I missed the second episode and I'm going to miss episodes 3 & 4 tonight. There are only 6 episodes in the series. If anyone out there has it on tape, I would love you forever and pay for postage/tapes if you would send it to me on a format I can watch. Please! Please! Please!

I visited Rob and Lisa last night. I haven't done that in a while. It was good seeing them again. The kids get bigger everytime I see them. It's a strange/wonderful thing to watch them grow. Occassionally makes me wonder what it would be like to have kids.

Lisa ended up going to be early but Rob and I stayed up way too late talking about everything and nothing; about life, love, friendships, gaming... all that kind of stuff. It was good talk. I should do that sort of thing more often.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Emperor

Transitory Turtle

Today was a day for odd thoughts about the way I live. I realized two things: I view a lot of things in my life as transitory and I live like a turtle - inside my own shell.

I've been working at my current job for 9 months. I realized that most of the toys and stuff that I usually bring into my office are still at home. As much as I like my job, I realize that I'm mentally prepared to leave it at any time. On an almost weekly basis, I think about the kind of job I want next, even though I have no real plans of leaving my current job. I think about a job closer to home. A job I can settle into for the long term. I don't know why I can't just consider my current job for the long term. I like the position. I'm paid well and the company is going places. Yet, I still subconsciously think of it as a temporary position and I don't know why.

On the home front, I've been living where I am for over 3 1/2 years. Yet, doesn't feel like that. It feels like maybe a year and it's about time to look for another place again. Even after 3 1/2 years, I still feel like a renter. A spoiled renter, but this isn't "home" because I know my heart's not here. Then again, I wonder if I'm ever going to find a place where my heart finally puts down roots. It's so weird to me. Even after 3 1/2 years, this place feels transitory... Like I'm just passing through. There's a small part of me that quietly declares, "This is not a way to live." But I can't help feeling as I do.

As for the turtle comment... I realized today that I would rather live in the vivid worlds inside my head and spend time with my close friends than know what's going on around the globe. People ask me things like, "What do you think of the Napster thing?" And my response is "What Napster thing?" It's like I'm hiding under a rock or living back in the dark ages.

I used to listen to the radio to get the news when I had a stereo in the car but since it broke, I really have no idea what is going on. People could be at war and I'd never know. Occasionally, I'll jump on Yahoo to scan the headlines and then go look at the Space news, but that's about it. That's all I really care about. I think. Sometimes, I'll look at the odd-ball news-lines.

I don't know if it is because I'm afraid of what I'll hear/see/read and my ability to read/hear/see what -isn't- being said or what. I don't know if it is just because I'm flat out ambivalent about it all. Does it affect me now? No. OK. Next, please. Maybe it's because it takes a lot of energy to keep up with the world these days. There is so much going on and so much of it isn't good. I have enough stuff in my life to worry about. I don't need to be depressed by the world, knowing there is nothing I can do about it.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Emperor, Inverted

*OW*

I've been working on a custom frame in the product that has now required me to see if I can do streaming media. This has led me to find our department's digital camera. Wow. It's old! It's a Connectix's Color QuickCam 2. It's so old... (How old is it, Jenn?) ... that the installation instructions refer only to Win3.1 and Win95.

It was actually pretty easy to install and get working as you can see by the pictures below. However... support for it via Connectix no longer exists and trying to get it to work in an html document is down right impossible. I've talked to half of our engineers and their thought is that QA should get a newer digital camera. I have to agree.

OW!

Wow. I went through my 'once in a while' list of journals to see what they were up to and discovered a slap in the face. This person was talking about how she needed to find a new journal to read but finding was very difficult. Then, she went on to show the opening lines of some of the journals she's looked at. I was really surprised to see mine. This is what she said about it:

"geekgirl, gamer, poet, author, QA Engineer and dreamer who is just trying to find her place in the world."

'Luckily she mentioned poety or I would have given this a shot. But, hey, at least she told me something about what I'd find inside. Full marks for providing disclosure.'

Ow. Granted, she was nicest about mine out of the whole list but still. Ow. It was from left field and I felt like walked by a couple of girls and accidenly overheard one of them comment, "You know, I was going to go get to know that girl better but I saw she was wearing a Duran Duran pin. I hate Duran Duran. So, I didn't bother."

Tarot Card for the Day: The Heirophant

Growing Thicker Skin

Today sucked in general for me. Work was slow. I had a hard time communicating with my boss on the simplest issues. I couldn't get the stupid camera working right in an html document for steaming video. I had a bad headache and was just plain grumpy most of the day.

On the gaming front, I'm really frustrated with both of the LARPs I'm in. Mostly for the same reason - lack of information and feeling helpless to do anything. Granted, in both LARPs, the GMs have been having a bad time of things lately. But I think they are forgetting that we can't read minds. Especially when they talk about us missing "10 foot tall" clues.

So, I wrote the girl who commented on my journal about her comment and this is the answer I got back.

No, no! Your page was the only one I gave full marks to! You were the one positive find. Gee, I thought that was obvious. I'm just no fan of poetry, even good poetry. It's not a form I admire at all, whether it's by Wordsworth, Eliz. Barrett Browning, Theodore Rothke, or an online journalist. I sincerely do not think your site is bad, nor do I think others would interpret my comments that way.

OK.... so, I guess I need to thicken my skin a bit.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Heirophant, Inverted

Strange Bedfellows

Last night was Alex's newest Star Wars adventure called "Tales from the Edge." I don't know for certain but I am suspecting our little group will be continuously flittering on the Outer Rim of the known galaxy in order to avoid the Empire. When I write this one up, I'm going to be calling it "Strange Bedfellows" because it is an odd mix of characters to be working together. Then again, a prison break from an Imperial penal colony where you are mining ore all day will make good friends of the most opposite of people.

Of course, this means a lot of HTML mop up for my Serial page. Rearranging things and posting my Epilogue story for Tales of the Iridum Rose.

Tonight, I'm headed over to James' house for he and I to go through a massive amount of information that he's gotten from the Aragon downtime. (At least he got something. I got "not specific enough" and had to rewrite my downtime plans to be more specific. We'll see if I get anything back before the next game.) The plan is comb the information for leads and figure out who will follow up on what lead. It's a decent idea. Better than just sitting on our thumbs and saying, "I don't know."

Tarot Card for the Day: The Lovers

Impulsive

So, yesterday, I got up nice and late because I had gotten in so late the night before. I spent a few hours totally revamping my Serial Story website making room for the newest Star Wars campaign that Alex is running. I mopped up a lot of old HTML stuff and added two final stories to the Tales of the Iridium Rose Saga - 15. Epilogue and 16. Dark Dreams. In Epilogue, you learn a bit about what happened to Duvessa's family in the intervening years and her immediate plans for the future. In Dark Dreams an in-character dream that I really had, Duvessa have a premonition of an old enemy coming back for revenge.

While I was doing that, I got a bug to do as I did with The North Kingdom Campaign. I'm putting all of the available stories and such into a single document to be printed and bound for the players of the game. I just have to add all of Johanna's stuff from Yahnna.

Then, I headed up to James' place to work on refining some downtime plans for Aragon. We went through all the information and came up with another list of things to do for ourselves and for a couple of other people. During the early evening, as expected, we had to call Johanna for a bit of clarification on things. While on the phone, we got an invitation to dinner. So, around 7:45, all of us - me, James, Laurel, Alex, Johanna and Dave met up at Denny's. Timing was so good you would have thought that we had actually planned this or something.

Dinner at Denny's was adequate food-wise. Conversation-wise, I think we frightened the tables surrounding us with our loud laughter, strange gaming conversations/stories and movie quotes back and forth. Just after we ordered, after Dave tells us he was dreaming in character as Rand, Alex opens his mouth and admits that he's already figured out the next Star Wars adventure and he was itching to play some more.

Well. With all but one of the gaming group already there, we all impulsively agreed. Alex started to defer, saying that he had to call Bob. Aha! I knew my cell phone would come in handy! I was whipping that thing out just as both Dave and James were mentioning it. So, Alex called Bob and that was that.

The game started at 9:30pm - late for us old folk but we were all hyper. It was a good game. Rand was happily playing Captain while Philip was doing the grease monkey bit. Bowde was being the stone faced dour guy. Dora was being her usual idiot-savant bimbo with surprising moments of intelligence and Alicia was elbow deep in the security codes of the ship.

We landed on Tallaan with each of us having our respective assignments. Let's just say that even though nothing went as planned, we were all highly successful after a few hard knocks. Much quicker that I would have suspected, my character, Alicia, had to kill someone who was about to kill Rand. This was her first kill. She didn't deal too well with it. It's going to be fun writing about that.

The game was called at 3am, putting me home at 4am. Groo... I'm too old for this all nighter stuff. But, it was worth it. I still got my eight hours and have a very sedate day planned for me. I'm going to work on finishing up the book for Tales of the Iridium Rose and begin writing on Tales From the Edge. That's it. I plan to be in bed at my normal bedtime so that I'm not dead tomorrow.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Lovers, Inverted

SOLD!

*Cue fanfare and applause!*

Well, it's official! I've sold my first article! It's my Eisen Nation Book review to Black Gate magazine. It should be out in October. I would have known sooner but the editor 'thought it was a sarcastic reply to my laughing at your clever turn of phrase in the review!' when I asked if I had made it into the magazine. Nonono! *grin* So, now I know.

What's even better is that he has already requested at least one more review from me on the 7th Sea stuff and, if I can, a review on some gaming related fiction. *whoo-hoo* I'm a happy camper!

I slacked off and didn't write my July poem. Shame on me. So, I shall endeavor to write two poems this month. I already have one done: Devil's Instant. I was inspired by a line from watching X-Files last night. "The Devil's Instant is your Eternity."

Well. Tales of the Iridium Rose, the Complete Story, with both Johanna and my writing is 112 pages and a bit over 54,000 words. I think that's a nice accomplishment for what started out as a 'pick up' game. I don't know when I'm going to bind it.

Also, I have put up a character page for Tales From the Edge. You all have to admit, this is a darned good looking group! *grin* Then again, this is the STAR WARS universe. Everyone is good looking unless they don't want to be good looking and it is good for the plot.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Chariot

Speaking of...

Tarot Card for the Day: The Chariot, Inverted

Caviar Dreams

Scott and Donna are gone on vacation until Friday. So, I'm all alone in my house! *whoo-hoo* It's nice coming home to park in the driveway and to not worry about whether or not someone is home and has company. It lets me play my music loud, wander around naked and just relax in MY domain.

Of course, this has me thinking about moving out again. But I know better. Been there. Done that. Got smacked down. I have the best rent of anyone I know. It's a great house and I'm spoiled. Still, I am giving up my privacy for this. Ah, well. Someday.

Though, Scott and Donna left the house in an incredible mess. Scott is waiting for carpet for his room right now, so all of his stuff scattered around the living room. Normally, I would just be minorly annoyed. Right now, I'm more than a bit miffed. I am hosting Casting the Runes this weekend. I told Scott that and he still did nothing about the mess. It is going to take me all day just to clean it up enough for me to host the game. 10-to-1, Scott gets annoyed at me for cleaning up his stuff.

Ohmygosh. I just got off the phone with Casey. It seems that Broadcom bought Silicon Spice. Broadcom's stock is at $234. For about two minutes, my mind buzzed over the calculation of how much S-S stock I have and how much Broadcom's stock was worth. For two minutes, it imagined a 1 to 1 correlation between my stock and the Broadcom stock price.

*whoa* My heart just stopped and my mind just -imagined-.

For two minutes, I really was the millionaire that I swore I'd always being in playing the Silicon Valley lottery with Silicon Valley lottery tickets (stocks).

Then, my mind came back to me and I let reality have a go at chipping away at the fantasy. Who knows what kind of stock deal the S-S people got? There is good chance that there will be a reverse stock split by a factor of 10. I won't know for a while. I will know within the next 60 days because I get to approve (or disapprove) the merger because I am a stock holder.

But still...Wow! What interesting news to me!

Tarot Card for the Day: Strength

11 for 1

Last night, I took Dave, James and Laurel out to a celebratory "I was almost a millionaire" dinner at Hungry Hunter after they came and got the bed for Dave. The coolest thing is that I was able to expense to my company today because I used my award "Entertainment Dollars" from the last Bugbowl. How's that for cool?

OK. I just got the stock information from a reader then I confirmed it. The Broadcom - Silicon Spice stock merger looks like it is going to be an 11 for 1 stock trade. *sigh* So, I'm not a millionaire and I can't retire to opulent bliss... yet.

On the other hand, as Johanna pointed out to me... this is *real* money. Not just wishing to be real pre-IPO money. So, I'm already looking at a 6800-7000% return on my original investment from last November.

Sure as heck beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!!

Suddenly, I realize that I really need a GOOD tax accountant that understands stocks (I've asked Kevin for advice on that) and a financial advisor who can help me make money with the money that I have. My goal is to be 'retired' by the age of 35. A little over five years from now? I can do it. *grin*

Tarot Card for the Day: Strength, Inverted

[2002.09.13 - Edited due to personal reasons.]

In the meantime, I finished up Strange Bedfellows for Tales from the Edge. Not a bad little tale at just under 6500 words.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hermit

Drinking with a Wookie

Note to self: When Alex says bring a dish for everyone, remember that everyone else is going to do the same.

We had so much food there last night at the Star Wars game that we could have fed three times as many people. All of the food 'groups' were covered: KFC, Little Ceasar's and Taco Bell. Each with a meal that would serve 3-4 people. We had six people at the game last night. LOTS of leftovers.

The game started out on a rather tense note with one of the players being in a very bad and very grumpy mood... which is not what our Star Wars game is all about. We have enough dark and broody at our vampire games. When the characters started trying to figure out what was wrong, the player basically got up and left the game for the night, telling the GM that he did not like the direction his character was going in.

A classic case of a real life bad mood affecting the actions/personality of the character they are playing. It happens all the time. Honestly, walking away was probably the best thing he could have done for himself and the game. Otherwise, things would have been very, very tense and unpleasant for the rest of the evening. However, I do hope he had not left the game on a permanent level.

The rest of the game was amusing. After figuring out that the whole embassy was wired, we all headed out for drinking and a local bar and to look for alternate IDs. We are wanted by the Empire, no matter if the report said we were already dead... and there was a Moff at the 'little' State dinner. In any case, my character, Imperial-born Alicia, forgot that spaceports meant Aliens. She froze walking into the bar. ["What's wrong?" *eyeing a rodian* "I don't like... crowds."]

We went drinking as met up with a huge wookie that one of the other players had 'bonded' with. He joined the group. Alicia was all eyes thinking "Big. Big. Big. Furry. Big." Fortunately, Wujiba was a nice wookie and got her to pet his very soft fur, calmed her down... then got her drinking with him... out of his tankard. Alicia wore more than she drank. It was a lot of fun. She was drunk as a skunk. Of course, much of that went away when an uppity killer droid started a bar brawl with us.

All in all, it ended up being a fun night.

Today, all I have scheduled is cleaning up for the Casting the Runes LARP. I'm not sure what's going on in the game since the GM did not really let anyone know what was happening. No real big deal but sort of annoying. Ah, well. We'll see.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hermit, Inverted

Ti Couz & Sage

I got a very nice compliment from Alex on Strange Bedfellows via email yesterday. He liked my writing and the way I portrayed each of the characters. It was very unexpected and appreciated.

Finally, today, I went to the famous crepe restaurant in San Francisco called Ti Couz. Sage was in town from Seattle on some training for Next App. Since it was a rare occurrence to see our friend from the Pacific Northwest, Greg decided to show him around some of the best restaurants in the area - including Blue Star and Ti Couz. Since I had never been to Ti Couz and heard about it so much from various friends, I got to go, too.

The BART ride up was largely uneventful, as was the walk to Ti Couz. It's a tiny restaurant that serves nothing but interesting drinks and crepes. The special of the day was a three mushroom and brie cheese crepe which everyone but me ordered. I was in the mood for seafood, so I ordered the shrimp and scallop crepe.

WOW! Very good! There is a lot of food on the plate, even if it doesn't look like it. I ended up eating half of my shrimp and scallop crepe and about a third of David's mushroom and brie crepe. The brie cheese was too salty for David, so I offered to trade him plates.

Then, there was the dessert crepe. Oh. My. I had the La Delica, which is crepe, vanilla ice cream, banana and nutella. *mmmmmmmm* Sadly, though, I could only finish half of it. Like I said, it doesn't look like a lot but it is. Believe me.

Ti Couz is a little on the expensive side, averaging $25-$30 per person for a savory crepe and a sweet crepe. But, it really is worth it if you ever make it into San Francisco.

The trip back from Ti Couz to the BART station was a bit on the entertaining side. There was a group of people yelling at each other. It seemed that the one woman was yelling at a younger guy for calling her an unpleasant name. He was protesting. There were about 6 other people around, taking sides and adding their voices to this argument... not to mention the one guy across the street yelling to the younger man.

After we passed by, I looked back and grinned at Sage who had an amused expression on his face. "You just don't see something like that in Seattle." He told me, laughing. I told him that he now had an adventure to tell his friends back home about San Francisco and the eclectic people who live there.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Wheel of Fortune

Mind Over Matter

I had the most unexpected example of "Mind over Matter" last night. I came home and grabbed a sprite from the fridge. I settled into my den and went to work on writing. My Sprite was finished off too quickly. It was 45 minutes from bedtime and I decided that I didn't want water. I wanted another Sprite. Off to the kitchen. I looked into the frig and only saw Pepsi and root beer. Grumbling, I reached for a root beer because I didn't want a lot of caffeine before bed. Then, I noticed a Sprite half hidden behind another can. Happily, I grabbed that and went back to my writing.

I was also online and chatting with Johanna via IM. It was a bit before 10pm and I was noticing that I was still wide awake. As she and I were talking, I actually looked at the can of soda that I was drinking. To my complete surprise, it was a can of Pepsi!

Now, you all know that sprite and Pepsi taste NOTHING alike. Yet, I had drunk more than half of the Pepsi, thinking it was Sprite. I sipped it again and it still tasted like Sprite... sorta. By the third sip, it was all Pepsi again. *ug* I don't really like Pepsi.

It was very strange and startling example of mind over matter. Because I had really wanted a Sprite, that was what I was drinking. At least, that's what my mind was telling my taste buds instead of the other way around.

Strange dreams last night. Drawing Reality - In a struggle between two people - one of the dark, one of gray - one offers nothing while the other offers incredible power to change reality.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Wheel of Fortune, Inverted

Secret Agent Man

Today was a day of frustration and annoyance. We have four projects being thrown at us this week and not enough hours in a day to do them. Unfortunately, the first build was broken but we didn't know that because we couldn't get the license for the product working. No one could figure it out and the one engineer who knew had taken the day off. So, like all good geeks, I soothed my soul with music. I never realized just how groovy a song "Secret Agent Man" was until I listened to it this afternoon. It really picked up my spirits!

Tarot Card for the Day: Justice

'Deep & Meaningful'

Michael sent out that he had a new bio up. So, I bopped over to take a look at it and accidently hit his "Journals I Read" page. Oh, OK. No biggie. I glanced over it to see if there were any new ones that I might like to take a look at and his comment about my journal jumped out at me.

Jenn: Abstract Thoughts - It's mostly short observations these days.

My first thought was, "Ack! Have I sunk so low?" It used to be something like "An interesting journal. She has a busy and varied life." ... or something like that... (or maybe that was someone else's 'Journals I Read' page'... not sure)

In any case, it was different and lots more interesting. I realize that a lot my enteries, especially during July, were short but man... that one line made me want to immediately start writing an entry that was 'Deep and Meaningful.' I actually laid in bed and tried to think of something to write for today that would be one of those entries that just sucked a person in. I fell asleep thinking about it.

This morning I was still thinking about it. It seems that after 2 years of journal writing, I have already touched on most of the self-examination topics I have. It's not like you all haven't already heard about battles with my parents over religion, battles with my self esteem, battles with my weight and battles with dealing with me being alone.

Honestly, I've grown a lot in the last two years - in some ways, that is. I'm debt free. I've come to a happy medium on the whole finding/looking for an SO thing, I'm published and I'm in a job I really like.

Yes, I'm still fighting a lot of internal battles over self perception and self esteem. Those things I don't want to touch on too much. I don't want to sound like I'm whining and not doing anything about it. More over, I don't want to 'listen' to myself whine.

It seems I've grown into a fairly comfortable routinue within my life and I don't have as much to say. They say pain is good for art. Guess my journal is part art. Now that I'm mostly happy, do I have anything meaningful to say? I don't know.

Of course, this gets into the whole, 'why do you care what people think of your journal?' thing. Why? I don't know. I am an exhibitionist but not enough of one to jump on the Diarist.net or Diary-L listservs. To me, that's just begging to be slammed. Since this journal is me, I just don't deal so well with slams to my journal (and thus my ego).

Still. Once I get readers, I don't want to lose them. I want them happy.

Suddenly, I feel pathetic. Like I have a crappy journal, I can't keep my readers happy and for being so freaked out about this.

(Later) So, being the insecure person that I am, I decided to ask a friend who reads my journal what he thought. Here's the conversation:

Jenn: has my journal been really boring lately?

DJ: I think a bit but wouldn't say boring just not enough meat in it.

Jenn: Define "meat"

DJ: substance. but then again this is just me.

Jenn: Substance of what?

DJ: as in what more is going on.

Jenn: In my life or in my head?

DJ: bit of both.

Jenn: Oh. OK

DJ: personal opinion only though

*mrph* We're back to the problem I started having with a 'friend' in July 1999. My 'friend' had heard about my journal and had gotten upset when I had mentioned him by name. He asked me not to mention him anymore. That it embarassed him. Especially the fact that I had had a dream with him in it where we kissed. (One of our mutual 'friends' had copied and pasted the dream to him in an email.)

That started the whole thing about trying to figure out how much to show of myself in my journal and my personal thoughts about other people. Especially since so many of my friends were suddenly reading it. I was torn between being true to myself and respecting my friends' feelings. After the perviously mentioned friend told me that he no longer wanted to be friends with me, I pretty much shutdown a lot of my more intimate thoughts - at least, in the public side of my journal.

I still talk about what I think about my friends in my private journal but it seems that in cutting off my more intimate/raw emotional points, I may have turned my journal into a grocery list of what I did that day and that sucks.

Now, I'm back to the quandry of how to open myself up more - writing more of my honest thoughts - without pissing off or embarassing my friends. (Raise of hands to see who wants to know which of my friends I idly fantasize about? Thought so.) So... now what do I do?

Tarot Card for the Day: Justice, Inverted

*AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!*

(Last night at 22:20)

Jenn: Fucking A!!
Jenn: I just got a letter from Chris

Johanna: what??

Jenn: After a YEAR... a fucking YEAR of not talking to me because he wasn't allowed... I get....
Jenn: *ARGH*
Jenn: Hi Jennifer. How are you doing? I am sorry I haven't written in such a long time. Life has been busy, but good. I like married life. It is a good thing for me, also being a daddy. Tristan is growing like a weed. He is already (at only 18 months) learning how to open doors, etc. How are you? How is work? Anybody special in your life? Must go now. Looking forward to reading from you.
Jenn: -Chris, Denise and Tristan too

Johanna: Bloody hell...

Jenn: That's the whole *ARGH*

Johanna: I guess Denise got her head out of her ass and is letting him talk to other women...

Jenn: *ARGH*
Jenn: *deep breaths* Oh yeah... just what I need right now

Johanna: Ignore it.

Jenn: I think... I'm not going to answer this now.

Johanna: Put it aside for at least two weeks.

Jenn: Hah.

Johanna: Fine, four.

Jenn: I'll probably answer it tomorrow, knowing me

Johanna: Don't you dare!
Johanna: You'll regret it, I swear.

Jenn: *argh*
Jenn: Fuck
Jenn: OK
Jenn: I'll wait til Friday

Johanna: Nope.
Johanna: I'll compromise. One week.
Johanna: 48 hours is just a good time to stew, that it.

Jenn: Ok... I'll write him when I can unclench my jaw. How's that?

Johanna: Okay, two weeks. ;)
Even you can't stay severely bent for two weeks. Besides, your hormones will have cycled through - I don't think it matters where you are right now. In two weeks, it'll be different.

Jenn: *sigh*
Jenn: Now, I'm really going to bed.

Johanna: like you're going to sleep... see ya luv.
Johanna: And hide that letter!
Johanna: so to speak. :)

Jenn: :)
Jenn: Night hon.

Johanna: Put it on floppy, and give it to Donna to hold for two weeks. :)
Johanna: See ya.

Jenn: Um...
Jenn: Can I quote you?
Jenn: :)

Johanna: Sure. ;)
Johanna: As long as you tell everyone how wonderful I am. :)

Jenn: I am such a weenie

Johanna: *laugh* Nah, this is very emotional stuff for you.

Jenn: You are wonderful. :)

Johanna: ok, you can quote me. :)

Jenn: Love ya heartsis.

Ok. For those of you who have come in after the credits, Chris and I dated. We had a rocky relationship for about three years. For most of that time, we were sleeping together. For most of that time, we weren't 'officially' dating. Long story short, Christ shattered my heart into a million pieces. But, I got better. We became friends again. Chris and I remained good friends until Denise came along.

I have a lot of unflattering and impolite words to describe Denise but, I'll just settle for 'that woman' for the moment. Denise was incredibly insecure. To the point that she made Chris give up 95% of his female friends. Me? He wasn't allowed to even think about me because I was 'the one he wanted' (He asked me to marry him. I turned him down - another long story) ... It only got worse when they got married. That woman would not allow Chris to invite me to their wedding. That woman insisted as part of their marriage counseling that he not be allowed to speak/see/respond to me in any fashion. (I found this out from my brother.) That woman stole one of my best friends away from me.

Now, he writes me. I know that woman reads his email. So, I have to keep that in mind when I do finally write him back. I am angry at him for giving up our friendship. I am incredulous that he's had the gall to write me now. But... I still can't help wanting to talk to him.

I guess I will always love him. It's not an 'in-love' thing. It's just... I don't know what to call it. I just know that I miss him. Somehow, it feels like my heart is breaking all over again... just a little bit.

Also, I have this incredible urge to lie to him. He wants to know if I've found 'someone special' yet. I want to tell him yes because it will make that woman less insecure, because it will make him curious and because it will also make him stop worrying about me.

Of course, I could just totally ignore his question about my love life.

That's probably the best bet. Lies get sticky in a real hurry.

Still, I wonder if I can find someone to date in the next week or so....

Well, as for the journal thing, I've talked to a number of friends and they've imparted some good advice. A lot stuff about opening up again, who cares what others think and promises of support. (Thanks Johanna, DJ, James, Nick, Trey and Ali)

Johanna came up with the best idea yet. I'm going to stop writing every single day. I'm only going to write when I feel like it and when I actually have something to say. Not just a short paragraph here and there because I feel like I 'have' to. We'll be going from quantity to quality. And yes, Ali... the entries will be longer, too. *smile*

So, that said, I'm going to start up a notify list. That way you won't have to wonder when I'm updating.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hanged Man

Bluntly Honest

[2002.09.13 - Edited due to personal reasons.] On the Chris situation...
Yes. I did write him back. Today. I was bluntly honest with on how I was feeling. My anger for past actions, my surprise at his writing me now and my understanding of the situation. I had to tell him all of that first. If nothing else, to have some sort of closure on that part of my life. And, should it be in the works, allowing a new beginning to come around between he and I.

I think I'm feeling a little better about the situation now. Though, I am wondering about his wife and what has happened that allows Chris to talk to me now, after a year of silence. I really hope that all is well and this isn't just a teaser before he laps into silence again. I also wonder if Denise is going to read the letter I wrote him. I don't care if she does or not. But, if she does, I would like to know what her reaction is.

Of course, I know we all can't get what we want. Ah, well. At least, I've finally said my piece.

Game Musings...
Aragon was last night. It was a good game. Not frantic but never a dull moment. For me, there was a nice steady stream of events. And, for once, we got to see the Prince (played by Johanna) do some serious tap-dancing. That, in and of itself was worth the whole evening! *grin*

There were some interesting revelations last night - including a box that was owned by Jack the Ripper... and believe me, Kayley's pretty uncomfortable that Zacharie's bought it. And the box with the strange scroll that we've been looking for, for about 3 months now.

However, the biggest kicker of the game for my character actually happened after the game when she went home to discover a good one third of the Chantry (home, work space, library, etc of the Tremere mages in the area) had been blown up in an explosion that seemed to have been centered in her boss' office. It destroyed the living area, the bedrooms, the workrooms, the library and the vault.

Let me tell you, this is going to have some serious emotional repercussions for Kayley.

On the Writing front...
I've done a bit more writing on the next chapter of the Star Wars game called Assimilation. Fortunately, we have at least 2-3 weeks before the next game because I'm 2 stories behind. I'm hoping to be caught up before the next game. I hate being behind.

Of course, now that Aragon is done, I'll have a flurry of writing to do for it. Reports, Dear Jane letters, Downtime activities, writing her sire... you know... the usual gamer geek stuff that I adore so much.

In other news...
We have two new journals for the SF Bay Area Journal List:

House of the Moon - Lunesse.
Mill Valley. Late twenties internet geek inputing code, bellydancing and motorcycle riding in the best place on earth. Always honest, always interesting. Updated daily.

West of the Moon - Susan Marie.
Oakland. Twenty-something east-coast expat, adjusting to sunshine and graduate school all at the same time. So far, it's quite a ride.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hanged Man, Inverted

The Written Word

In the Movies...
I went to see "Bless the Child" and surprisingly enough, it was really pretty good. Nothing spectacular but worth seeing in the theather. As expected, it was heavy on the religious stuff but happily it was light on being too preachy. I liked it.

Though, on an odd note, I found myself more interested in the supporting cast than in main stars. I wanted to know more about Jimmy Smits character, John Travis. How and why he went from seminary school to the FBI. What he meant by "I just found another way to fight them." Them who? I want to know his back story. Same with Christina Ricci's character, Cheri. How did she get into the New Dawn? What made her become disillusioned? How did she try to leave? What happened?

The other thing about this movie is that it seems to have "SEQUEL" stamped all over it. One of the bad guys got away. The little girl is growing into her power. I can see some sort of new Temptation occurring when she's 16. Could be interesting. Who knows. I wouldn't be surprised to see it.

The Written Word...
I've discovered that my story, The Duel, has been published in Woven Worlds, Issue 5. I had forgotten that I sent it in. So, it was a nice surprise. That makes three stories of mine that they have published. (Ice Castle and DreamWeaver are the other two.) Of course, I didn't get paid for it. Ah, well. You can't have everything.

However, that has me thinking again. (Uh-oh.) I have three completed stories: The North Kingdom Campaign, Tales of the Iridium Rose [which may be renamed] and my autobiographical piece of erotica: The Girl Next Door. Since NKC is AD&D gaming/Fanzine based, it's not suitable for official publishing. Since TotIR is Star Wars gaming/Fanzine based, it's not suitable for official publishing. And, since TGND has been turned down a couple of times already, it is out of its peak time for official publishing.

That said... what is stopping me from selling these two fanzines and one autobiography on my website? Does anyone know if I need a business license to sell them? I've been pondering this for a while now. I'm not in it for the money. Just the exposure. I think I'll figure out how much it will cost to copy and bind each, add a $1 for time/effort and that will be the price. Plus shipping, of course. Can't hurt to try.

If anyone has any suggestions on this, let me know. Thanks.

I've also posted the latest "Dear Jane" letter for Kayley. It's a bit more angsty than most of her other ones but, as Johanna's says... it's keeping in Aragon's theme: Bad things happen to good people.

And, I probably gave myself carpal tunnel doing it but I wrote up Assimilation. It was so long, I had to break it into two parts. Each about 4000 words. But, they are both written and posted. Assimilation, Part One and Assimilation, Part Two.

In Other News...

• Dave got a job! *whoo-hoo* That means he doesn't have to move back to Alabama. I, and a lot of our friends, are breathing a sigh of relief. Of course, Dave is, too.

• No. Chris has not responded to my email yet.

• Poor Rich. He's had so much trouble with his computer and @Home. He's had more outages than time up. So, he's getting DSL. In the meantime, I'm letting him borrow my dial up connection. I came over and set it up for him. Unfortunately, his computer hurt my brain. It wasn't accepting my user name. I couldn't figure out why. so, I tried my full name. That didn't work. I tried some other things that didn't work. Finally, in frustration, I tried my full email address and ... that worked. *twitch* That should NOT have worked! My email address should not have been accepted as my user name! *twitch* Rich's computer is possessed. I'm sure of it now. I can't figure out how it is working otherwise.

• Blast from the Past. While I was over messing with Rich's computer, we got to talking about the Changling LARP. That was a blast! Little did I know that Cil, Rich's wife, had put together an album of pictures from the game. Wow! It was so neat! And gosh, I didn't look so bad. Makes me miss my red hair even more. Yes, I still have a lot of red in my hair now... but not that that. Surprisingly enough, there were so really good pictures of me... and Alex and Johanna...

Tarot Card for the Day: Death

Whimsy Cards and Consequences

Game Musings...
It's been a fairly good week for role-playing. In the Thursday game, we've switched from GregM's Werewolf game back to the NVU game. I think the time off has done us (the Storytellers) a lot of good. Ideas are starting to flow and there isn't that much of a sense of pressure. AND... I managed to ick out both Rich and GregE in one of my plotlines. I've never done that before... and it is wasn't even intentional! *evil GM laugh*

The Star Wars game, Tales From the Edge was sufficiently low key that I might be able to catch up these last two episodes and then go back to fix the second part of "Assimilation" over the next two weeks. It's bad enough that a couple of the players actually admitted to me that the first part was good but the second part seems really rushed and was confusing in sections. They could tell I was in a hurry to get it written.

The Sekt Valir game, Rich's monthly fantasy game, was a blast. Just when I thought that Matt's character, Gabrien - a paladin of Justice, couldn't get anymore ballzy, he decides that he just has to talk to the Prince of our enemy empire while we are there to steal a magical artifact from his Aunt's castle. Of course, my character, Eris, happened to think this would be a good thing, being a paladin of Peace and Mercy. He seemed a lot more reasonable than his aunt, the Empress. The talk went really, really well, considering. We're all hoping the Empress dies really soon.

Right after we got back home, Eris ends up getting engaged to the Sultan of other country, one that is allied with her country. The Sultan isn't the ruler - but his brother, the Caliph is. Eris had been lightly seeing the Sultan while he was in Sekt Valir on some ambassadorial mission.

It's a fun back story. 4-5 games ago, while we were elsewhere, we came across a burning embassy of this allied country. One character watched a man drag himself out of the burning building, on fire and throw himself into the boiling water. He, of course, swam over to save the man and bring him back to our ship. Eris did not have the ability to heal burns, yet. All she could do was cleanse the wounds, put salve on him and wrap him up. They had to continue on their quest, so she sent him back to his land, giving the servants strict instructions how to care for him. Little did I know that Matt, bless his manipulating heart, played a whimsy card* on the scene.

When Eris got back from their quest, she immediately wrote the Sekt Valerian embassy to find out what happened to this Al Hiyalian man. That's when she discovered he was the Sultan. And things progressed from there. So, 5 months later in real time and a year and a half later in game time, Eris is finally engaged! No more match making attempts by the guys to get Eris married off.

*Whimsy cards. In many of our games, we use the major Arcana of the tarot deck as whimsy cards. These cards, drawn randomly by the players, allow the players to put a bent on a scene that is happening. The GM decides what that bent is, based on the traditional meaning of the tarot card. There is a catch though - each character has a significant card and a cross card. If they are involved in the scene that the whimsy card is played in, the significant card guarantees that good things will happen to the character. If the cross card is played, it guarantees that not good things will happen to the character. So, there can be a trade off. Matt played the tarot card, "The Lovers" thus guaranteeing that the man Eris saved would forever unselfishly love her.

The Written Word...
I have two weeks now to get caught up with Tales from the Edge. However, I have to be careful. I've been writing so much lately that I'm starting to hurt myself. Wrists and elbows are massively protesting. I really don't want carpal tunnel. I think I'm going to have limit my writing to only a couple hours a day and that's it. It's going to be hard but better than the alternatives.

In Other News...

• No. I still haven't heard from that Fremont company. At this point, I'm writing them off. Mildly disappointing but livable.

• No. Chris still hasn't written me back. Not surprising. Still it is also mildly disappointing but livable.

• Rich, Cil and I have decided that we want to throw a huge party. One like their wedding reception. Something huge with a nice buffet dinner, cake, a good DJ and alcohol. Why? Because we want to and had such at blast at theirs. It's fun idea. One I hope we follow up on.

Tarot Card for the Day: Death, Inverted

What Have I Been Smoking?

Smoking what?
OK. I want to know what I've been smoking and where I can get more of it. I have been having the strangest dreams and weirdest thoughts. Don't ask me where the dream about shape shifting gophers who run a college and want to have sex with the co-eds came from. I don't want to know what part of my psyche that was dreamt up in.

This next thought is half waking dream, half commuting thought.

I was thinking that if there really was a 'vergence' in the Force, I would think the Force would be smart enough not impregnate a woman with no mate. I was thinking that it would wait until a woman got pregnant, then would use the generic material of the mother and father to imbue its 'vergence' into - thus, creating twins with no hint of suspicion.

Of course, this means you would get one twin who would be very much like the family and one twin who was not. Like many fraternal twin families. Much like my own family. So, what would happen with the Force twin? What would they be like? What would their destiny be? I've pondered this off and on for a while over the last couple of days.

The Written Word...
A friend from times past to renew our friendship. The email he wrote me inspired my latest poem: Out of the Blue. Thanks Shawn!

Also, it's not a big thing to anyone else except me but I've decided to not write anymore on Tales From the Edge. Writing from the Universal is interesting but extremely time consuming. Especially if you want to do it right. I can't put that kind of effort into game writing every two weeks. It is too time consuming and painful

Instead, I'm going to expand my horizon even further and write on Dave's new 1920's Pulp Superhero game. It's going to be only once a month. That should give me time to write sensibly, practice Universal writing and learn how to write pulp. That should be fun.

On the Ouchy Side of Things...
I went to the doctor about my sore wrists and elbows. Guess what? Somehow, I have managed to get "tennis elbow." The doctor, a little Indian guy, was interesting and direct. He was adamant about me losing weight "It's just not healthy, young lady!" and for me to join a gym. Now. Immediately. In the meantime, he's given me an anti-inflammatory and some wrist exercises. So, I will be working on that.

General Stuff...
Well. Still no response from Chris. I don't know why I'm even looking for a response. This is so typically him. He used to do this to me when we were dating. How can I expect anything less now. What's worse is that I'm mad at myself for hoping that we could renew our friendship.

Is that how it will always be? Me extending a hand in friendship only to be ignored or stomped on? There are days when I swear I must have "SUCKER" or "NAÏVE" engraved in my forehead so that everyone but me can see it. I don't want to stop hoping because there just isn't enough hope in the world as is. *sigh* Ah, well. Such is life.

Speaking of life, poor KT has been having a real hard time of it lately. She's recently admitted some hard truths to herself and is stepping cautiously on a path that will hopefully lead to recovery. We don't speak all that often but when we do, we get into some really interesting conversations.

The latest one KT was talking about having a love/hate relationship with her best friend and feeling bad about the situation. I assured her that she was not alone. I think it's a girl thing. I'm not sure. I have a serious love/hate relationship with my best friend, Johanna. I've talked about it here before. Mostly, the hate part of my relationship with Johanna deals with my own petty jealousies.

Mostly, I'm jealous of how beautiful Johanna is and jealous of the fact that she's found a guy as cool as her husband. Where as I'm constantly confronted with my weight issue and being alone. However, it really isn't as bad as it used to be. I've come to accept Johanna for who she is and I'm coming to accept me for who I am. However, every once in a while, that little green demon rears its ugly head and I have to go elsewhere for a while.

Tarot Card for the Day: Temperance