APRIL 1999

Thursday. Casey walked into my office yesterday as I was looking at the movie listings for when The Matrix was playing as it opened yesterday. I looked at him and asked if he wanted to see it at 2 or 3pm with me. He looked at the listings and then his watch. "We can make the 12:40pm showing..." I looked at him. He looked at me. And I said, "Let's go!"

So, there we were, tearing down the freeway at neckbreak speeds, playing hookey from work to go see a movie. Was it worth it?

OH HECK YEAH!!!!!!!!!! It was the most awesome movie!! Probably one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. The action was incredible and they actually had a real plotline! I want to see it again -- in the theatres, even. And I am most definitely going to by it when it comes out on video.

Maybe we can convince the QA group that they need to take a field trip to the movies....

I finished vinettes #5/6 of my Elizabeth Bannister stories. And, as promised:

Friday. Thank goodness. You know, I've always hated April Fool's Day. You can never believe it when something important happens. One year, a friend's mom was in a car accident. She didn't believe her Mom until she went to get the pain medicine. I mean, if our enemies were smart, they would declare war on us on April 1st. I could just see the conversations:

LT: "General! The Chinese just declared war on us and said they will begin bombing in 30 minutes!"

GENERAL: "Nice try, Lt. I'm not falling for that one."

LT: "No... Really, General! I have the message right here!"

GENERAL looks at the note: "Right..."

...

And so on.

I hate April Fool's Day.

Worked at home yesterday and actually *gasp* worked for a bit. Then, when I got frustrated that I couldn't print any of my work out, I decided that it was high time that I got myself a home printer. I called Casey up (his work at home days are Thursdays, too) and asked him to come help me find a nice laser printer. Yep, that's right... a laser printer. *oooOOOOOOOoooooo* I got myself a nice HP, LaserJet 1100. It's pretty snazzy. I've always wanted a home laser printer.

Oh... what a geekgirl moment. Talking about getting a new laser printer and how much I've always wanted one. The Ufies would be so proud of me. Hehehe. Still, I have a lot of printing I want to print and bind: My North Kingdom Campaign series, which is 235 pages; My Stories of RL (BDSM) that I'm trying to get published; All of my Poems and Alter Ego stories; And anything else that I missed in my Erotica and Other Writings. Basically, just to have a nice, neat hardcopy record of it all.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "The trick is to remember that there is no spoon." - Little kid to Neo in "The Matrix."

Saturday. Saw The Matrix again last night. Was it still good? OH YEAH! It was just as awesome! I'm even pondering going to go see it again. Though, this time, not so close to the screen. I had an eyeache and a neckache by the end of it. (It was a packed theatre - go fig.)

I happened to read a couple of movie reviews about The Matrix. I wanted to see what they were saying about a movie this awesome. Boy, was I disappointed. It just goes to prove that if a Movie Review doesn't like a movie, it's got to be good. I couldn't believe what they were saying about it. If it is so "trite" "overdone" and "poorly acted," why are everyone of my friends, after seeing the movie, calling me up and saying "You have *GOT* to see this movie!!"? I just don't get Movie Reviewers. Sometimes I wonder if they are seeing the same movies we are.

Going to do the Maid of Honor thing with Johanna today and look for Bridesmaid dresses today. Oh, joy. Oh, joy. But, even if we find the perfect dresses, we aren't supposed to buy them, because Johanna's Grandmother wants to make the dresses for us. (This is the one in England.) Um... OK. Grandmother is ailing, but stubborn. First, she was going to make them. Then, she wasn't. Now, she is again. If I see the perfect dress, I'm going to insist that we buy them and keep the receipts.

Well, enough bitching. I have to pick up Johanna in 30 minutes and I'm still in my towel. Talk to you all later.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Three times a bridesmaid, never a bride?" <-- Who thought that trite saying up?

Sunday. Did the whole shopping thing yesterday with Johanna and discovered that one of my favorite stores is leaving! *argh* So, I ended up buying some pants that I was going to push off until 2-3 months from now. I am way bummed that my store is going away. *sigh* But, Johanna and I found the pattern we both liked for the bridesmaid dresses. (Which is a good thing.)

Doing the Easter deal with the family today. It shouldn't be too painful. Scott will be there but he's completely chilled since he moved out of my parents' house.... just like I knew he would. I wish I didn't look forward to 'official' family gatherings with such dread. I know why - the whole family argument deal, even though it has calmed down a lot. But also because this is a religious holiday and that puts a strain on things between me and my parents. They want me to "see the true way" and I want to just live my life the way I believe. I have a much more holistic of religion than my parents do.

I've been pondering things and I've come to a conclusion: I can concentrate on only one obsession at a time. Yep. I've figured this out by reflecting on my past behavior: When I lost a lot of weight, I couldn't do anything about my debt... and, at the time, I wasn't nearly as worried about it. Now that I'm totally obsessing about my debt and can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm not worrying about my weight. I am thinking about it, doing some research, trying to eat healthier - but I'm not obsessing. I eat what I want, try to be healthy but if I'm not... oh, well. I even have in the back of my mind, "Once my debt is gone, I can start worrying about my weight again."

I wonder why this is. I mean, is there only enough worry/stressing that I can do at one time? I never thought of my obsessing as limited, but looking back on my past, that seems to be the case. Do I work on one obsession until I hit a block and then move to the next one, much like eating all my veggies first and then my potatos and then my meat at dinner? It's just an abstract thought. We'll see what happens when I'm debt-free.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Daylights saving time! "Fall back, Spring forward" Set your clocks forward one hour. (Does anyone, besides me, think that this is an outdated, unnecessary custom?)

Monday. Did the whole Easter deal with family. It was surprisingly pleasant. We had a good day, talked about old adventures in Belgium, talked about my parents selling the house and moving to North Carolina. Talked to Shannon and John on the phone. Shannon wanted to know if I would consider moving East again. For now, the answer is "No." All my friends are here, my job is here, my life is here. I don't want to move there unless I have a really good reason to.

Discovering that my Father didn't know that Greg was gay was the hint for me to pack up and leave while I had good memories of the day. (Dad really likes Greg.) My Father handled it surprisingly well, while my brother was his usual self-righteous bigoted self. The conversation went something like this:

ME: I think I'm going to go see Greg and David, Casey and Mary tonight.

DAD: What? Greg and David and Casey are getting married??!

ME: Um. No... I'm going to see them: Greg, David, Casey and Mary.

DAD: Ohhhh. Mary. OK. I thought you said they were getting married. That would be some funky wedding... Greg and David....

ME: Um. Well...

SCOTT: They are together, Dad. And I think it's just sick.

ME: Yes. They are a couple and have been for...

DAD holds up his hand: *ew* That's enough. I don't need to hear anymore.

SCOTT: Well, they are and it's just wrong. An abomination!

ME: Scott...

SCOTT: What?! I will tell it to their faces! They are sick and wrong and should not be allowed!
(Yes, my brother, the all American forgiving Christian man. Yepyep. There are days when I wonder if he has ever truely read the bible for the meaning beyond the words.)

DAD: Scott, that is enough! Wrong or not... everyone is entitled to their own lives and to make their own decisions.

I was rather proud of my father for taking the news so well. He really is embracing what he considers to be the TRUE WAY and he's stopped trying to force it on me. I like that. When I mentioned it to Greg, he laughed and said that if he ever had the ill-fortune to meet up with my brother again, he'd be ready. I don't want to be around for that conversation.

I finally found out where "Easter" came from and the whole chocolate egg deal: Eastre was the Goddess of Spring and eggs were a sign of fertility, as is the rabbit. So, giving eggs out on "Eastre's Day" was a blessing for a good planting of seeds. I find it interesting that Christ rose again on "Eastre's Day." It's another example of a Christian holiday placed on or near a pagan holiday. (Such as Christmas/Winter Solistice and Beltaine/May day.) Just thoughts to ponder.

I treated Greg and David to dinner and a movie. I suggested we see "The Corruptor" with Chow Yun Fat but David wanted to see "The Matrix" again. Since I wasn't going to complain, off we went, figuring that Easter Sunday evening would be a slow night for movie goers.

Shows what we get for thinking. Good thing we were early. We picked seats in the back and unfortunately, I was next to a bunch of rowdy teens. The girl next to me kept knocking into me before the movie, chattering loudly. For the most part, they were quiet during the movie.... only getting one or two icy stares from me when they started chattering. Also, the person behind me kept pushing against my seat, vibrating it off and on. -That- was annoying. I kept having to shift in my seat to get them to stop. It makes me glad that I had already seen the movie. Otherwise, I would have been highly pissed at all the distractions around me.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Patience is a virtue, find it where you can. Seldom found in women, never found in man."

OK! Here's a good review about The Matrix. Refreshingly honest and open and how I felt. Btw, my thought to the question of Morpheus' glasses asked by the reviewer: Spirit gum. (Also, I downloaded the Matrix screensaver. It's cool!)

I got this little yellow postcard in the mail. "What is this?" I think. Then, I see what it is. "Oh, no. Not that. PLEASE, anything, but that." Then, I sit down and really look at it. Sighing, I think "It had to happen sometime." My tenth year high school reunion.

Wednesday. Work is really picking up. Had a meeting with Akien and Sundar about some things I need to get done by Thursday. *oy* I suspect that Wednesday is going to be a late night and I'm planning to get in to work early tomorrow. It shouldn't be too hard, but I have to wait for people to get some things done before I get my things done.

Spent some time revamping and updating my Elizabeth Bannister page. I fear I got a little graphics happy. But, I took out the background to make it less busy. I love that picture I got of Gillian Andersen. Some of my friends tell me that I resemble her. (At least, in my slender pictures.) If I ever get down to that size again, maybe I'll go as her to Sci Fi con or something.

Answered the postcard about my 10 year reunion. Like I said, it can't hurt.

That's it, folks. Not a lot to chat about today.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Oz to Willow, just before he becomes a werewolf on Buffy, The Vampire Slayer.
OZ: "I'm going through some changes..."
WILLOW: "So am I! Welcome to life!"
OZ: "No... not like this."

Thursday. There is a certain satisfaction in a job well done. I got a lot accomplished yesterday. It was a long day. But I think the best part is when someone else notices that you are trying and doing a good job, too. Akien said to me, "Oh, yes... there is one other thing I need to point out in what you are doing...*dramatic pause* You're doing a really good job with all this. I can see a remarkable improvement in your work. I just wanted to let you know."

Cool! The boss noticed. And Steph noticed. I'm getting more comfortable with this type of testing. Soon, after the POC is done, I'm going to be moved to into UI testing. Of course, I'll have to learn more about QA Partner and PERL and such. I'm getting more interested and pleased about this as we go. This is a GOOD THING(TM) - it's nice to like what you are doing.

Been thinking about The Matrix again. (Yes, again.) I was thinking about the choice of the "Red Pill" for the truth and the "Blue Pill" for the dream world. In the movie, it made complete sense for Neo to take the Red pill. His life was going downhill in an big hurry and here was his idol, offering him the truth. In his position, I would have taken the Red pill in a heartbeat.

However, if I were Me, in this world, and were offered the same... would I choose the dream world or the 'real world'? I honestly don't know. Lord knows I want to take the easy way out, but... I don't know if I could. It's that whole moral obligation thing. I would feel like I -should- help. I suppose, in the end, I would take the Red pill. I would have to know what that other world was like, really. And it would give my life meaning.

Oh, dear. Me and my big mouth. I suggested to BrianB, the Prince, in Bedlam's Rest game that the Toreador should host a talent content/event/show as one of the games. Of course, BrianB wants me to sing... in front of everyone. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. I probable could do it. Especially if I had a singing partner. I think I would first do a dramatic monologue of "From The Grail" by Susan Cooper and then sing "The Dark is Rising" - also by Susan Cooper, from "The Dark is Rising" series.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there for you when you really need them, most likely you won't be needing them again."

*nada*

Saturday. Well... I finally got a response on my book proposal:

"... Thank you very much for showing me your book "The Girl Next Door."

While I think you have an interesting story to tell and an easy-to-read writing style, I am afriad that the market for entry-level BDSM books is a bit over saturated. Therefore, with regret, I will have to decline to publish this book. ..."

Then she gave me a couple of ideas for other publishers. All in all, it was a very nice rejection letter. I don't feel nearly as bad as I thought I would. I am disappointed but not distraught. I'm kind of nodding to myself. "Well, OK. Next publishers." I wonder if it just hasn't hit me, yet.

I was supposed to do Bridesmaid type stuff with Johanna yesterday night but, she ended up forgetting about it and not making the appointments and stuff. So, I decided to go to the Shadowrun game instead. Greg and I had a nice dinner at a local Pastaria (whose name I forget) and then to the game... that had been cancelled because I was the third person who wasn't going to be there. Well, shoot. (At least I got the selling of the freaking file done over the phone with no haggling! This is, of course, assuming I live through the San Fran run we are doing.) OK. So, I went home, talked to Logan on the phone for two hours about life and the stuff happening between our characters and then did some writing.

Tonight is the Diablo's Children LARP. The GM sent me a note: "I don't have any visions for you right now - but I will during the game. So, be on your toes!" Um... gee, thanks, Nick. Now, I have to come up with poetry on the fly for the visions he gives me that (hopefully) will make sense. What happened to getting the visions a week before the game? Ah, well.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." -- Rita Mae Brown

Sunday. There is something incredibly decadent about dozing in bed until noon. I love doing it. I always end up with the oddest set of mini-dreams. Like this morning:

... Something about all of our playspace and workspace being downsized and I was aghast that my bed was a junior single, from a California King. Then it turns out that my normal bed was put to the side. I could sleep on it but I couldn't sleep for all the snoring...

... A large group of us were playing with LEGO figures but what we did in the game would then happen to us, Real Life. I remember that I was incredibly suspicous of this couple who turned out to be hunter set, out to kill us all. Thank goodness it was a 'game' because I was the only one who questioned them and their motives...

... Several reoccurring scenes in a resturaunt where a group of us were getting together to talk. There was something about where we had come from...

Dozing dreams fade so fast, but I think I know where some of them came from. The workspace being downsized - at work we are starting to have a space problem and they've been discussing sharing cubes. The playing with the LEGO figures and the game - that came from last night's LARP. I'll talk about it more later. The resturaunt thing - also from last night. Everyone always goes out to eat after the game but I declined because I didn't want to be in a large group of people.

OK. Last night's Diablo's Children LARP. It was *awesome* - First, I had two groups figthing over Delphi (You can read about her background here). Both of whom were saying they were her friends. She's so confused. The first group, Elias' group, has protected her and watched out for her from day one. The second group, Julian's group, all Toreador, think that Elias and his group are EVIL. He took custody at Delphi at the game before last and basically kept her in protective custody - she was not allowed to go anywhere alone and all of her calls where screened. (And he threw away any msgs from Elias.)

So, now, Delphi is back with Elias' group. When she returned, Elias and she had a long talk about why she let an enemy of Elias take care of her. Didn't she care about him anymore? Now, Delphi has a child demeanor, so, when she didn't get any msgs from Elias, she figured he didn't want her anymore and all those mean things that Julian was saying about him must be true. *oy* What a talk. Elias pointed out: Had he -ever- lied to her? No. Had he protected her? Yes. Had he opened his home to her? Yes. Had he ever tried to restrict her movements or who she talked to? No. ... What about Julian? Had he ever lied to her? Yes. Had he protected her? Well, he said he was. Had he ever restricted her movements or told her who she could and could not talk to? Yes.

Looking at that... who should she believe? "He lied to you once, he'll lie to you again." Delphi was cowed and upset and sorry. Then, Elias made it all better afterwards by taking her to an art show.

Of course, the kicker of all this is.... Elias and his group ARE the bad guys. They ARE the sabbat and Delphi has had her mind raped a couple of times. But still, Elias has been very, very careful about the image he presents to Delphi.

And all of this was dealt 30 minutes BEFORE the game actually started.

The game was very cool. I finally got to do something useful that didn't involve her visions! I discovered a mortal at the game - a private investigator (always a bad thing at a vampire game), entranced him to me for the next year, started ghouling him then discovered that he had worked for something called the Arcanum and three of his buddies were there at the meeting! *hehehe* Thanks to my hard work, we now have a ghoul who will be emptying his mind of ALL the information he has about the Arcanum to me. So, very cool!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Another fucking Toreador??!" - Me when I discovered yet another person was coming into the game as a "Toreador" when I OOCly know they are Setite.

Monday. *ugh* Me and Mondays just don't get along. Especially Monday mornings. This week promises to be less busy but a lot more stressful at work. I still have to get an 'official' process in place for where to put official builds. Kinda difficult to do when I don't have a lot of the automation built in and working yet. We shall see what happens.

I wrote a new Mage piece yesterday for my character Talena and sent it to the other College game GMs - Rich and Greg. Partly because they were in the story, partly cause they are the other GMs. I haven't talked to Greg about it, yet - mostly cause I know his email is down and he has to wait until he is at work to get his work email. Rich thinks I had his character react too violently. So, I'm still working on it. I figure I'll get it done tonight or tomorrow. Once I do, I'll post it to my site so you all can take a peek at it - if you so desire.

You know, there are some days that when I wonder just how many people actually read this journal. It's more curiosity than exhibitionism. I wonder what you all think about me. I wonder what you all do in your lives. I wonder if I amuse you or make you smile. There is a part of me that that is very important. Does reading my journal give you value? I'm not sure if that's the right way to say it. Maybe I should ask - does it affect you? Does it make you curious or care?

I always smile when I read Regan's journal and she answers one of my questions or comments on something I've said. And it was neat when Michael commented on one of my "Thought For The Day" thoughts. I like it when someone values something I've said or even just comments on it. To me, that says that I gave them food for thought. However small, I added something to their day.

I don't know. I guess I'm feeling both insignificant and important at the same time. Believe me, it's an odd feeling to try and reconcile. I'm looking at the numbers, wondering about those people who read my journal and I guess I'm hoping I touch their lives in a positive way.

It's just one of my quirks - like writing Heather about reading the Anita Blake series or emailing Scott and Amy about something Scott wrote about or telling Amy not to cut her hair. Each one of these journals affect me in some way. Recently, I read one of Michael Hardy's entries from Baker Street called My Lives. It really just touched something within me. He shared some intimate details of his life with one and all. It made me want to turn around and do something similiar, but I couldn't. I felt like I would be cheating because I didn't think of the idea myself. I want to be new and original but, then again, something as introspective like that would be good for me....

Wouldn't it?

On second thought... maybe not. I've had a lot of pain in my life and, unfortunately, I have tendancy to remember the horribly embarassing and painful memories before I remember the good times. I wish it was the other way around. I have a very, very good memory and a very good imagination. These are both blessings and curses.

Why is it that I remember the pain before the pleasure? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Ah, well. Something else to ponder another day and I've rambled enough for one entry.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
"Oh, what a wicked web we weave, when first we practice to decieve" - Sir Walter Scott.
"But then, when we have practiced quite a while, how vastly we improve our style". - J.R. Pope.

Tuesday. OK. Remember what I said about work being less busy and more stressful? Well, I was wrong about the less busy part and only partly correct about the more stressful... I just got the project of QAing the the entire POC Demo -before- we show it to the Board on the 20th. Oh... my... goodness... WhathaveIgottenmyselfinto? And, I'm going to be working directly with the VP. Oh, no pressure there. Well, I wanted a challenge and to be noticed... (*oy*)

I just posted that mage story I told you about yesterday - Roses Among Thorns: "Even as Talena learns that Life is not fair, sometimes, good things come out of bad." It was a creative little deal that I just had to write up after I thought about it. I had to modify it a touch from the feed back from Greg and Rich over how their characters would respond.

Also, I wrote a new poem: Smiles Behind The Mask. It's a song/poem that one of Elizabeth Bannister's other personalities, The Dark Lady, will write write for the ending Vinette to come: "Thoughts in Gray." I'm really thinking on how to get back into writing the last six vinettes. I've been chatting with BrianB, the guy who plays Celik in the story, asking him how he would respond to various situations. I've sorta got the escape semi-planned out and Elizabeth's return to Celik is just as vague. I suppose I'll really plan it out as I write it.

Also. I just spent two hours going through International male model websites looking for a "darkly handsome man" to be Jonas, Elizabeth's sire. How geeky is that? I want to find the perfect shot of a handsome European man that has the right touch of seductiveness and arrogance. I have to give it to the GM so he can build my nemesis correctly. (Yes, I thought of Antonio Banderas, too... I'm looking for a less famous face.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "If all else fails, imagine the little buggers in rubber underwear and a ping-pong paddle in your hand..." - Johanna to me as I fretted over my new assignment.

Wednesday. Ok. I am the biggest geek I know. I just made a little website for Elizabeth's nemesis. You can check out his site here. I spent hours looking at pictures of handsome men and I couldn't find one that suited...

Until I came across him.

And I looked at the picture...

And I looked...

Then I started looking at more and more of his pictures.... 2 1/2 hours later, I had made my decision. *sigh* Antonio Banderas is such the man. *swoon* (Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I said yesterday that I wasn't going to use his picture for Jonas but, oh well.) Of course, this puts a totally different spin on Elizabeth's view of her sire. I think that Antonio is just divinely yummy and as Elizabeth's OverSoul, she has to think that Jonas, the psychotic madman that he is, is also divinely yummy.

*whew* Just thinking about this is making my head spin. Talk about a complicated storyline. She hates him but desires him. And it's going to make the next series of vinettes that much more interesting. Especially the flashback scenes to that first year as his child/captive. I can already imagine the sexual tension. *purr* I wonder if she submitted to him. I have to assume yes - she had already be trained as a slave. I wonder what she felt as she did so... Guilt? Anger? Desire? I guess we'll have to see as I write it, won't we?

(Is there any wonder that I dreamed of him last night?)

OK. Back to reality. The life of a QA Engineer is all hurry up and wait. As I mentioned before, I'll be QA the POC Demo. This means that I'm probably going to work the weekend. But, in the meantime, I've volunteered my efforts in other parts of QA and, of course, I was immediately snatched up. Now I get to learn a whole program (on the fly again). On a good note, I was going to have to learn that program in any case.

Things are doing so well at work - hectic, crazy, bananas... but I like it. I like my boss. I like being useful. And, all I have to do is wait about two weeks and the major crunch will be over. I think I can do it.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "It is said that after centuries of enmity, one comes to find that the reason for the enmity is no longer important. All that matters is that there is at least one thing in this world that will remain constant. And you will do anything to preserve that state of affair." - Jonas to Elizabeth during one of their early talks.

Oh... heck... oh man. I just got word that Chris and his wife are seperated and he's considering divorce. They haven't been married even a year and they have a baby boy. Oy. This was very, very unexpected. I thought that he was making a mistake when he proposed to her and said so... but Chris has always wanted the white picket fence and he thought he was ready. Now, he may be getting divorced.

What does this mean to me? Probably nothing. I'm curious about it and I want to be there for Chris. He is a good friend and I care for him. But I KNOW I have to be careful of not becoming a rebound for him. I know he cared for me a lot. I'm afraid that he might have put me on a pedastal now. His email to me was especially warm. (Then again, that could be my ego talking.)

We'll have to see what happens.

I'm back on a writing spurt. Johanna just gave me the most awesome reference website the World Fact Book by the CIA. It is a great reference for facts when writing about things I've never seen. Of course, as Johanna reminded me - remember who is writing it and why. My response was "History is written by the victors."

Still, it has wonderful maps and facts about each country like: Geography, People, Government, Economy, Communications, Transportation, Military and Transnational Issues. I have a feeling that I will be referring to it upon a number of occasions. Also, I discovered that you can buy it at Amazon.com

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

Friday. Well, I did exactly nothing of use at work yesterday. It was a long, dull, boring day where I had nothing to do because nothing was done to give to me. So, what did I do? I spent the day writing on "Dreams of Light" - the first part of my Reflections of Immortality series of Vinettes for Elizabeth. That's a productive day for you. And I bet I'm going to have to work this weekend. *grump*

BTW: Thanks to everyone who complimented me on the Elizabeth and Jonas' pages. Most everyone liked Antonio as Jonas Stratford... but not everyone. (*wink* at Patrick.)

Talked to my Mom about the Chris situation. I wanted to give her a heads up since I suggested he talk to her about the marriage situation. She was upset for Chris but - get this - she *STILL* wants me to get back together with him! "But, not right away. In a year or so." Oh, for heaven's sake. After a 3 1/2 year relationship with him that ended BADLY almost 4 years ago, I really don't think that he and I are meant for each other. We have gone seperate ways now. We have few things in common.

*sigh* But, yes, it was easy to flit back into the old pattern with him. I remember once that we said if we were still single when we both turned 31, we were just going to take it as a sign and get married. *shakes head* I don't know what we were thinking. And I know that I wasn't thinking that he would have been married and divorced already - and have a son.

Ah.... who knows. He's not divorced, yet. Mom may give him some good advice.

(Time passes...)

Then again, maybe not... I just got a message from him... He's sleeping out at the job site. In his message, he's decided that he wants a divorce. He wants to talk to me, but he's asked me not to call him - something about keeping things low key at home and thinking that Denise is reading his email or some such. I have no idea what he means but I REALLY hope Denise doesn't think that there is something, other than friendship, between he and I. Oh, boy... this thing could get ugly in a really big hurry.

This situation just makes my head hurt.

I've been considering starting up a listserve for this journal page. It seems to be the thing to do. Scott, Stacy, Michael and now Amoret have one. But I was thinking... what would I say on the listserve? I write almost every day and if I'm going to be gone, I say so... Perhaps, I could send out special, personal journal like announcements for my regular readership. Or... something. I don't know. Do you all want more spam to fill up your email boxes? I know I'm an email junkie. Well, if you have an opinion on it, why don't you drop me an email.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Some of my most normal friends have the creepiest thoughts.

Saturday. Well, Robert is getting married today. I wish I could be there, with him. Last night, I almost hopped in my car and drove up to Seattle for it. It would have been about a 15 hour jaunt. I like long drives. I do - as long as I don't have to be anywhere at a particular time. Also, the radio in my car is broken. That would have made for a really long, lonely drive. I don't know if I'm up for that. Congratulations, Robert. I wish you and your new wife all the best.

Speaking of wedding things, I went with Johanna to see her hairdresser for the wedding. I'm not sure why we did this. I guess she wanted to see what kind of hair she would be dealing with.

Well, I have to say that I am utterly spoiled by my hairdresser, Michelle, who I have been going to for almost 12 years now. This girl teased my hair to hell and gone (which I HATE), had a really tactless bedside manner (which I HATE) and yanked my head and hair all around (which hurt and I HATE!). I kept thinking: "Michelle never has any problems styling my bangs." And "Michelle knows I hate hairspray and wouldn't use that much anyway." And "Michelle is a much better hairstylist!"

Of course, I said none of this and just sat there. The Bride's mother recommended this girl. *sigh* I suppose it will be OK.

Finally got to talk to Brook about the whole joint Bachlor/Bachlorette party in mid-May. We're still finalizing the plans for the day. I'll let you know what is all up when I know. So far, I think it's going to be a very, very full day. And I think poor Alex and Johanna are not going to be able to stand the next day. Good thing we are doing this a WEEK before the wedding.

I've joined a new poem website on Lovestories.com. It's really pretty neat. I'm under the Poet name: Eden Blackthorn and have put up 5 of my poems so far.

• Night Storms
• Words
• Roleplay?
• The One Who Got Away
• Dancing Assassin (Kabuki)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
"The only rules to the Bachlor/Bachlorette party - no strippers, no crossing the border." - Johanna
"Oh, boy. That leaves us a lot of room to work with. *snicker*" - me

Sunday. I forgot to mention yesterday that I had finished Dreams of Light: "Elizabeth escapes her sire and returns to Celik." It was a fun piece for me, because it looked into the psyches of the main people in Elizabeth's life at that time.

Also, I got to do a little bit of roleplay before the Court meeting with BrianB (Celik) and Laurel (Myrrh - you'll meet her soon). It was quite satisfying to watch certain things fall into place. I did have a talk with BrianB about Dreams of Light, which he hasn't had a chance to read, yet. I told him basically about it and he loved it. Since Elizabeth was supposed to be the Prince's child and she was stolen from him - Celik had not even considered embracing another. It made him too vulnerable. Also, he does consider Elizabeth his child, pretty much. He raised her.

I think the game is going to be quite interesting.

Updated my List of Journal that I read. Not much of a change, dropped one and added one. Thanks to Michael for adding me to the Baker Street list. Like I said, such things always make me smile.

I'm an online junkie. I think I mentioned that before. I MUCK, MUSH and IRC. I also have AOL IM (GaanEden) and ICQ (20883790). A lot of the time, I am connected to either AOL IM or ICQ while I'm at work, working. Though, generally, I try not to connect until lunchtime. I know my productivity will go down hill if I only have something minor to do. Obviously, if I'm busy, I forget about the online stuff - get this - even my email! (And believe it or not, I prefer to be busy.)

Well, the crux of this... If you are an online junkie and you have one or two intimate friends, sometimes they send you intimate messages... And on AOL IM, the window just pops open for all to see. This is not a problem when I'm at home... most of the time. My EnglishGuy (the one who is visiting in May) sent me an intimate message while I was online, checking email and my friend Laurel was sitting over my shoulder. Oy vey... That was amusing and embarrassing! I'm not sure who was more embarassed. Me or him. Fortunately, Laurel was highly amused.

Last night was a 'naked night' for me. (Oh, did I get your attention? *WEG* Guess I better explain.) I am the type of person who has to sleep into something, anything when I go to bed. I am just a LOT more comfortable that way. I think it's a vulnerability issue... What happens if the house is on fire and I have to flee and I can't find a robe.... or a thief comes in? I'll be naked and vulnerable... Never said it was logical. In any case, there are times when I'm feeling too reckless or too hot or too something when I decide that I want to sleep nekkid. Maybe I do it for the change. Feeling the sheets all over my body. I don't know. All I know is that last night was one of those nights. And after I made sure my nightshift was within arm's reach, I slept in the nude. It was very nice.

Nice and rare, which is why I mentioned it.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "When you don't know where you're going, any road will do." - The Cheshire Cat. (Borrowed from Michael of Baker Street.)

Monday. I think Johanna's pheramons have mixed up my cycle. All day yesterday, I was feeling restless and discontented. I got up, did my journal entry, checked email, looked at all the chores I needed to do: pay bills, do laundry, general cleaning. Decided that I wanted to do none of them. Checked my email. Wandered around the house. Pondered a walk in the sun, but didn't want to go by myself.

Thought of anyone I could go do stuff with...

Called BrianT - not home.
Greg/David? - No, they had the Sunday game.
Casey/Mary? - Nah, I see Casey at work.
Rob/Lisa? - No, one was working, one was at Church.
Alex/Johanna? - No, too far, just saw them.
Checked email.
Considered paying bills again.
Decided that I should start writing up my plotlines for the College game.
Checked email again.

Then, I headed home, stopped by to pick up some Garlic Chicken Noodles from my favorite Thai food place and watched "Mortal Kombat." (Oh, that was nice and brainless. Lots of pretty moving pictures.) Putzed around on the computer. Took an online IQ test: 151 - genius level. Couldn't really focus much on anything. Not sure why.

And I still didn't pay my bills. Ah, well. Maybe tonight.

Took a look at Johanna's latest article: Passing Throughts on Matters Supposedly Spiritual from her Maternal Jackel column.

There are two things about this:

1. She has a LOT of good points to say about Religion in general - including the Pagan ones. I sat there and thought about it. And again, I believe that while I am not a 'religious' person, I am a spirital one.

To me, spirituality and religion is a personal thing. I view God/The Light/Goodness as a beautiful, faceted gem. Each facet is a religion. If you look through only one facet at the other facets, they look distorted and wrong. But, if you step back, lift your eye from your one facet and embrace the gem as a whole, you can see just how beautiful the gem is. Each facet is interconnected with another - build upon another. 95% of the religions in the world are in celebration and homage to God/The Light/Goodness in general. It's sad to see one fighting another. When one facet is damaged, the gem as a whole, is damaged.

2. I've always wanted to write a weekly column like the Maternal Jackel column but I've found that I can't keep my thoughts to only 500 words or so, nor can I come up with something interesting to write about on a weekly basis. I guess my journal writing does count for something. Still, I admire Johanna for her column...

*hmmmm* Maybe I will do the "Adventures of DuctTapeMan and SuperGlueGirl." Who knows.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: It was already Thursday, and his lordship's wooden leg has yet to be found. - Edward Gorey.

I've been thinking about the Red Pill, Blue Pill again. I asked seven of my Co-workers what they would do if, at this point in their life, if they were offered a choice of learning "The Truth" (the Red Pill) or staying in their lives as is (the Blue Pill). Five of the seven told me, without a doubt... the Blue Pill. One vacilated and one said the Red Pill.

I was stunned. How could people realize that there is an unknown Truth out there and NOT want to know what it was? It just brought home a realization that people would rather deal with the known status quo than seek the unknown.

I'm not like that. However, I am (as always) a contradiction in terms. I must know the truth. "I would rather hear the cold, hard truth than a candy-coated lie." Yet, I LOVE escapism. All my writing, gaming and LARPing. I have such a vivid fantasy life. How does one reconcil the need for the truth while preferring the want of escapism?

Yet, along with wanting the truth... there comes dealing with the Truth. I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with the pain of the Bombings, the MIAs still in prison camps, starving people - all of the Reality, that Truth that I want so much. Once you know the truth, you can never go back.

I don't know if I'm strong enough.

Speaking of Reality... Akien came to me and offered me a choice: To do the UI testing or become the Clearcase/ClearQuest Goddess. Oh my. Both have good and bad points.

With the UI testing, I would like it, it would be easier to do but not as much of a job security thing. With Clearcase, that thing is a MONSTER. I would have serious job security, would learn Visual basic but I think I would hate dealing with Clearcase.

Choices, choices and more choices. What is a girl to do?

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Remember, I'm only offering you the Truth." Morpheus to Neo as he reachs for the Red Pill.

Wednesday. Yesterday... What a day. It was pretty long and slow. But, when I went to go admit to my boss that I was bored, I found him curled up under his desk asleep. Suddenly, I decided that writing was a really good idea. (Never, never wake up a sleeping boss unless it is an emergency. Any boss who 'sleeps on the job' most likely really needs it.)

In other work-type news, I had a talk with Casey cause our boss came to talk to me about him. Mostly perception problems and needing a schedule and such. I gave him some good advice. He even acted on it, too. I'm glad.

*sigh* Back to to Reality. A couple of teenagers walked into a school in Denver and started shooting - killing up to as many 25 students and teachers. Shooting many of the kids in the head. One girl was shot nine times in the chest. They just walked in and started shooting in a school of 1800 students. Then, they killed themselves.

A suicide mission.

I can't even begin to describe my feelings at this. A mixture of rage, horror and defeat. And, morbidly enough, curiosity. If kids today will do this to their own peers, what chance does our future have? Why did they do it? What were they thinking as they shot people, point blank and giggled? Was it even real to them? I just don't understand it. I really, really don't understand it.

What is this world coming to???

Reality. Red pill... Blue pill... Got a couple of comments from readers on my thoughts on the "truth" and the current life. A couple of viewpoints I had not considered - Parents with children. Newly-weds. Having the just gotten to the life you have always worked for. And wanting to work for the truth rather than having it handed to you on a platter.

It did also led me to a conclusion: Heros are single people.

Ooo! That leads me to another thought - a plotline. What if someone like me had finally gotten to a point in my life - like becoming a publisher author, a famous one even, where I was finally content. Then, I was offered the Choice. And I chose the Blue Pill. I didn't want to remember ANYTHING of the Choice. Then, after a while, someone or something wanted me to remember the Choice. Needed me to choose the Red Pill. *hmmmm* The idea has merit. I'll have to think on it.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "They were going around, they were laughing about it,'' he said. ``They'd shoot somebody, they'd laugh, they'd giggle ... you'd hear a shot go off, you'd hear somebody yell and scream, another shot go off and they'd yell and scream, another shot and there would be silence..." - from an article on the Colorado shooting.

Rob, EricL, Lisa and I all sit around Rob & Lisa's livingroom. The kids are in bed. We are laughing as we stuff packets for the coming LARP. There is a noise that makes us all stop and listen. "A car accident." My mind identifys the sound. But, the sound keeps going, like ... "An earthquake?" My mind asks but there is no shaking and the sound is louder. There is another squeal of tires. By this time, we are all on our feet. Everyone has identified the sound as a car accident.

I make it to the door first. It is my car that is parked on the street. I see a blond girl in a red sportscar slowly moving her car out of the street. I look closely at my car. It has not moved. There does not seem to be any damage. I quickly look around as I head towards the girl. There is another car on the side of the road with hazard lights on. But it looks fine. The man is already on his cellphone. I look for another damaged car. I don't see one.

"Are you alright?" I ask the girl. She can't be even 18 yet. She nods then tearfully says, "Look what he did to my car." My mind classifies her as the victim. And now, I think that the another car did a 'hit & run.' But, as I look around closer, my mind registers where Rob is.... and where his wrought iron and concrete fence is not. I quickly move over there. The wind is chilly. My mind does not accept the sight I see for a moment.

There is a black truck in Rob & Lisa's backyard. Then, I realize that this truck rammed and broke two concrete pillars, then rammed through the side wooden fence and crashed into the back wooden fence. Someone asks for the address of the place. I smell gas. I turn around as this polite little man, maybe 28 or so says, "That's my truck. I just got it, too." He seems unhurt and very calm. Just defeated and a little sad. I start thinking that maybe the girl is at fault.

I hear a bit of the story from him. Something about the girl pulling out and turning and him having to swerve to miss her, panicking and hitting the gas petal instead of the brake petal... He turns and goes back to talk to the girl. I watch them exchange information. The hum of the gawkers is background noise to me as all I can think is, "Thank God, the children were inside. Thank God, no one was hurt."

The cop comes and sorts things out. I stay by Rob. I am mistaken for his wife. I don't correct anyone. Neither does Rob. That detail is unimportant. Lisa is inside, soothing her startled, very awake, curious and slightly frightened children. She is where she needs to be.

We get the story from the cop. The girl is at fault. She pulled out in front of the guy, plenty of distance, then pulled to the side as if to park. He sped up to get past her but then she tried to do an illegal U-turn, he swerved to miss her, slamming on his brake but getting his gas pedal and lost control of his truck. She spun out and ended up in almost the same spot she started in. Somehow, she clipped the truck. Rob points out the skid marks less than 5 feet from my car.

The cop gave everyone instructions and got insurance numbers and stuff. I remember her muttering to her boyfriend, "I'll bet he freaked when he found out my dad was on the force." I think she thought that that would help her in some fashion. A tow truck was called. The guy with the truck borrowed the phone. Everyone separated again, smiling nervously....

The rest of the evening was fairly light with everyone trying to see the best in all of this. A lot worse things could have happened. Then, we tried to forget it.

But, I as I drove home, I could not forget about it. Suddenly, I found myself feeling an odd sort of rage - not the passionate rage where you scream out your pain... but a cold, logical, tight rage that sat in the middle of my stomach.

All I could think was that that girl did not seem to care about the harm she could have done or did do.

- What if the children: Kyle, age 3 and Christina, age 6, had been playing out in the back yard?

- What if the truck had swerved tighter and instead of crashing into the backyard, crashed into the front room where we all had been?

- What if I had parked my car 5 feet forward or EricL had parked his car infront of mine?

- What if the truck had swerved the other direction - straight into the elementary school across the street?

Too many what ifs. Just too many. I feel so angry now at that girl who did not seem to care that she could have killed someone with her illegal, stupid stunt. ... that she seemed to think having a policeman for a father would get her off? What about the guy who had just gotten that truck and now had to have it towed? I have this anger and I don't know what to do with it.

...

...

...

Now, I have the urge to call my parents - just to tell them I love them.

I have school today, in the City. Casey and I are riding BART. I pray to God that it is uneventful. I just do not want to deal with any more 'events.'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Life is too short. Eat dessert first.

Friday. Class yesterday was actually interesting and fairly challenging. It was nice to have Casey with me. And we met a new girl, Kristin, who Casey flirted outrageously with. There was only one problem with class - the professor spoke and typed TOO DAMNED FAST! If I'm too busy typing, I don't listen. If I don't type and SEE the example, I have no idea what he's talking about. When I finally said, "Uh... Sean, could you -please- slow down a little?" I heard a chorus of agreements. Over all, good day.

BART -sucked- on the way home. Hopefully, it will be better today.

Reading Deadly Relations, the second in a trilogy about the beginnings of Babylon 5's PsiCorps and the main dude: Alfred Bester. It's really good, all about Al in the PsiCorps Academy and how he turned out like he did.

I have always been (and still am) fascinated by Babylon 5 PsiCorps. If we ever play the game, I would want to be one. There is just something about them that I am drawn to. I don't know if it is because they are separate from the rest of the Human race or because they are so close within their Family or because they have telepathy.

(I've always wanted Telepathy... still, if I could have only one superpower, I would want Instant Teleportation... but that's another story.)

Perhaps it is the way that they feel superior to the rest of the human race. I know it is bad of me to think, but often, I do feel superior to the 'common' man. I think more, I know more, I explore. I have to - look at where I work... look at who I hang out with (the average IQ within my group of friends is 140-150). I am creative. I am highly emotive, empathic and intutive. There are a lot of things I do that make me feel like I am superior to the common man. Arrogant of me, but at least, I am honest with myself.

(Makes me think of a Bill Hicks' (?) joke about doing comedy in a backwater town. He is at Waffle House, eating breakfast and reading. He tells how he is picked on for reading ("Oh, look, we gots ourselfs a reader here.") and the fateful question from the waitress, "Watcha readin' fer?" To which he answered, "So I don't grow up to be a waffle waitress, like you." Yes, it is mean, but comedy IS mean. And... I've done tech support. I don't have a very high regard for the intelligence of people in general.)

In any case, Deadly Relations is a really good book if you like Babylon 5 and the PsiCorps. There are days that I wish they existed. More so, I wish I was apart of them.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "The Corps is Mother. The Corps is Father."

Had a nice chat with a friend about the "Common Man." I realized that my bias isn't against the "common man" but against stupid and ignorant people. However, one of these can be cured with education and guidance. But what I really can't stand is the arrogant stupid person who will not listen. They think they know all they need to know and do not want to learn.

I know it is human nature to be bias. Everyone is someone else's "common man." But, in general, I really honestly believe that over all, people try to do the right thing. (Beyond the nutcases.) They may not always know what the right thing is, but their heart is in the right place. I truely believe that. I have to.

And, as always, with knowledge comes responsiblity.

Promises. A promise is very important to me. I don't ever give my word lightly because, when I give it, I do everything in my power to fulfill that promise. My word is my bond.

I expect the same thing of other people.

Silly me.

*sigh*

I never ask for a promise on something little. Oh, the promise itself may be little - like a promise to call me. Calling me is not a big deal. But, if I get you to promise me that you will call, there is an important reason behind the promise and the call.

If you break that promise to me, but let me know that you cannot fulfill the promise and why (ie: Send me an email), I will be disappointed but, satisfied that you had every intention of following your word. That is almost as good as following through.

However, if you promise me that you will call, give me a one week time span and basic time frame - causing me to shift my lifestyle around to make sure I don't miss this call and even send you an email at the beginning of the week explaining that Thursday and Friday I have to leave my house early for class... and then you not only don't call, you don't acknowledge the email I sent and you don't let me know that extenuating circumstances have prevented you from fulfilling your word... I have to assume that you:

1) Weren't going to fulfill your promise to begin with.

and/or

2) Don't care enough about me or respect me enough to acknowledge my messages to you or to follow through.

(Needless to say, this is based on a RL example.)

This kind of thing upsets me a lot. Promises are very important to me. If you break one, it changes my perspective towards you. It is a matter of trust, something else I do not take lightly.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

Johanna and I went to BAY BOOKS in Pleasant Hill. This is a fantasic new and used book store. I don't think I have ever seen such an impressive Philosophy/New Age/Occult section in all my life. I even found books 1 and 4 of "The Magical Philosophy by Denning and Phillips - a rare find. And of course, I bought them.

And then there was the Sci-Fi & Fantasy section. Oh, drool. Oh, drool! I see myself spending a LOT of money there in the future.

Actually, BAY BOOKS is much like the book store that I always envisioned myself owning, except that It's a lot bigger. Then again, they have a lot more stuff in their store than I would mine. Mine would be sololy Philosophy/New Age/Occult on one side and Sci-Fi & Fantasy on the other. Then, I would have a small area for people to read.

Ah, happy, wistful dreams.

The Onnwal game was fantastic! All of the troublesome characters rotated out of the game or got their alignments changed (yet again). The resulting group became a true cohesive force with everyone doing something necessary. I suspect that I will begin writing on the Onnwal campaign soon.

It was a very pleasant surprise.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Is it me, or is Demetrius back to being Golin again?" Elea to Donnan.

Monday. Boy, I do NOT want to go to work today. I feel like I've had a mini-vacation with me having those two days of school and then a weekend. In truth, I don't know what I'm coming back to. I haven't looked at my work email since Wednesday. I even sent in my status report over my private email from class at lunch on Friday. Ah, well. We will see.

The Bedlam's Rest game was fantastic! This was just the best gaming weekend. The new court came into play and, for the most part, there were no problems. Obviously, since everyone had new characters, there was some character bobbling. Some things that I thought would happen, didn't and some unexpected character developements happened that surprised me. I'll be secretly linking my observations to my Elizabeth page. I'll let you know when I have them up.

(Sorry for the short entry. I'm already late for work.)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Oh! A gentleman. Thank God." Lady Elizabeth to Christain deMedici

Tuesday. Da Boss gave me and Casey something new to do: QA -ALL- of the documentation for the stuff we are doing. I think that this is, while certainly needing to be done, an attempt to not only keep me and Casey busy, but to try and get me up to speed while giving Da Boss time to choose who is going to do the UI testing and who is going to become the ClearCase God(dess).

Actually, not a bad at all.

I updated my resume yesterday. Just because I could.... and should. It's not like I'm still working at the other place.

Talked with a friend yesterday for about two hours. He is such a good friend to me. I miss him. We went to college together for a couple of years. But, I feel that he has done so much more than I. He has his goal in life. He *knows* deep within where he should be and why.

He's one of those very, very few people that I have a special bond with. If I ever needed to make 'the call' - he would be there for me, in a heartbeat. That is worth more to me that any compliment or bauble.

And he thinks I am a special and worthy person. Someone that could, and should, share his vision of the world.

He makes me think and consider my life. What is it that I want? Where am I going? Am I going to make a lasting impression on this world? I laughingly told him that I had to work on one obsession at a time, but in November, I would be free to consider the course in life that he was suggesting to me. His response was to tell me that opportunity was a door that was seldom open and if I tried to wait until everything was perfect, I would never take the leap.

It made me reconsider things.

Once again, I question my Path.
- Do I really what to fade into obscurity with my own bookstore?
- Do I really want to be the famous author?
- Do I want to continue my path in the Corporate sector, becoming rich and technical?
- Do I want to take that leap into the unknown that my friend suggests for me?

I don't know... but that is OK. I am thankful that I have the chance to question my Path once again.

Thank you for that, Ice.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "You have got to live for today instead of living for a future that will never come." - Billy Hicks. Rant in E Minor

Wednesday. Well, Akien decided who would do the Clearcase stuff and who would do the UI stuff.

I am doing the Clearcase stuff because I am more of a 'self starter' and I have a lot of the training. Now, I only have to get training in Visual Basic, PERL and more classes in Clearcase administration. *bah*

Casey is doing the UI testing and Architecture stuff. He's as thrilled as I am, but Akien is doing this to shelter him from their (our) pointy-haired VP. *feh*

I suppose it was the best decision Akien could make under the circumstances. He is putting both Casey and I where we have the knowledge. It gives me more job security by making me essential and Casey more job security by protecting him from the pointy-haired VP.

How come the best decision that could have been made is the one that no one is happy with?

Johanna forwarded an email from a co-worker about an abandoned miniture pincher. I have the urge to adopt this one year old puppy in the *worst* way. But... Well, I shouldn't do it for two reasons:

1. Not my house.

2. I'm not home enough to have a puppy. They need attention, love and care.

I'm going to see if Mom wants it. She's always wanted one. I'm not sure Dad would be too thrilled. He likes the puppies, but a third one might be too much. *smile* Then again, Dad is a soft touch.

....

I've been going back and forth with wanting a kitten... or prairie dogs... or pets of some sort. I think is a want of companionship and love. I've been single for a long time and wedding season is upon us. It just makes me realize, once again, that I have no one special for me.

My mom is certain that I *NEED* someone. I already know that I don't -need- anyone, but I do know that I would like to have someone. I do know that I am not in a hurry. I do not want a situation like Chris - getting a divorce after less than a year of marriage.

Well, you know what? I don't like I'm going to continue on this train of thought. It's going to make me depressed.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Whoa! It's like I'm having a celebration of testosterone!" --Sara, eating in an all-guys dorm for the first time.

I just found out that a good friend of mine died on the 17th. You may wonder why it took me almost two weeks to discover this. This friend was a friend of mine on IRC. His name was Darkholm.

I never met him in real life, but he was an important person to me. He was a journalist who always grilled me on the stories I wrote, pointed me in the right direction when I needed it and above all, he understood my quirks... my needs... my confusions. He plain understood me. That is so very rare.

Darkholm was a big support for me with my book. He never let me give up or give in. I promised him a signed copy of my first book. I promised him. Now, I can't keep that promise.

I can't stop crying. He was so young. Only in his 30's. He had a stroke, ended up in a coma.... and died.

This is hitting me so hard. He was always there. I noticed lately that he had not been around. I knew he had been in the hospital. But, I didn't know he had died. I didn't hang out with the old crowd anymore. I had moved on - except for my friendship with him.

I feel so lost. And ashamed that it took me so long to know. It makes me feel like I took him for granted. But I didn't. I really didn't. I respected and liked him so much.

I don't know what to do.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Godspeed, Darkholm

Did the whole beauty thing. Cried through the waxing. Not because of the wax, but because of the mental pain of remembering Mark. Maybe it was just the contrast of mental pain to physical pain or maybe it's because waxing reduces the hair... but this time, the waxing barely hurt at all. But I cried. My Waxist is an understanding, spiritual lady. She encouraged me.

I find myself eating to fill a void that has nothing to do with hunger and everything to do with loss. Just something to fill this hollow feeling. I know I shouldn't... I don't care, though. I just want to feel better. But, then, I am hungry too. Cry takes a lot out of a person.

Death of a Warrior
(For Darkholm)

No more arm-clasp with brother-kin.
No more red cloak fluttered by wind.
No more step to the marching sound.
No more gaze to stare men down.
No more clashing of sword to shield.
No more forcing of enemy to yield.

He was struck by a mighty blow.
The Warrior's blood ceased to flow.
The Warrior cut down in his prime.
Bone and ash, consigned to time.

No more to feel the sweetest kiss.
No more to follow the Warrior's creed.
No more to fight the City's foes.
No more to fight.
No more to lead.

I went gaming. Something to distract me from my tears. I had fun. Then, I felt guilty for having fun. That's wrong. I know. I can't help it.

It pisses me off that I am so weak. That I fight my tears at every turn.

I'm nothing more than a bundle of contradictions.

Last night, as I cried myself to sleep, I remember that my arm felt cold. Then, I felt a warmth on my shoulder. It felt almost as if someone was there, sitting with me, putting a hand there to support me. I like to think that Darkholm was there for me. As he always was. Just a small bit of support.

Now, I'm smiling as I cry.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "No grave could hold so free a soul... I see him in the frisking foal... I hear his laughter on the breeze... that stirs the very tops of trees." - Mlackey.