April 06: Hating Fear
April 16: Profound Moments
April 24: Work, Writing & Gaming, Oh My!
April 30: Geek Points & Sex
| April 6
Hating Fear In other less pleasant news, I just got the final numbers on the assessment for my condo. $565/month for seven years starting May 1st. That, folks, is a new car or new granite countertops and nice wooden kitchen cabinets. That is more money than I have ever spent on any one thing including my college education except for my house which this is for. A loan until 2012, which according to some, is the year the world will change forever. Yeah. I can see it. I pay off this loan and the end of the world comes. Just my luck. That is also most of my monthly disposable cash. No more randomly buying things just because I want them. I'm actually going to have to sit down and make a budget that includes a disposable cash allowance for me. I haven't had to do a budget for myself in many years. Believe me, the idea of it chaffs. I suppose because I grew up poor and had some hard times when I was a young adult. The petulant child in me is stomping her feet and sulking, "But, we got past all that." Ah, well. I suppose the exercise will be good for me. I hate being afraid of something. It is worse when I am so afraid of a concept that I refuse to think about it. A few months ago, I got the lap band put in. While I have been losing slowly and surely, but not as well as I should be. The doctors noticed it. They noticed that I'm not eating healthy and I'm not exercising even though I like to exercise. I often have the urge to do so but I don't. They asked me to start seeing their psychologist once a month. Last Monday was my second appointment. It is very clear to me that while I do like the psychologist, I really don't want to talk to her about what's going on in my mind. I made plans to go shooting with Ben on Monday night and, apparently, reassured myself twice in front of him that I did not have a therapy appointment. But, by Sunday, I remembered it and had to cancel the event. I felt horrible about it. Like a flake. Like the kind of person I hate to deal with. I was also very disappointed because I haven't gone shooting in a long time. Instead, I went to talk with the doc. To talk about why I was sabotaging myself. Why I was afraid of losing weight. This sort of talk sucks. Especially when I wasn't even aware of what I was doing or why. Yeah. Like many people, I have had some unpleasant things happen to me in my past. I thought I had done pretty well with dealing with it all. I guess not. I suppose I already knew that when I was making my second appointment and that's why I didn't want to go. I didn't want to seem petty, whiny or weak. How I hate that word. I hate it almost as must as I hate being afraid. So, I face my fear, dammit. I face it full on and ponder what to do about it. I am afraid of losing weight because I am afraid of how people will treat the new me. If I lose weight, will I be more attractive and then have to hurt people I'm not willing to be romantic with? If I lose weight, will people hate me for it if I become a more classically known pretty girl? If I lose weight, will anyone even notice? Will I lose my friends because they don't like the new me? Will I like me better? I have used my weight as a shield ever since I was forced to leave (was rejected by) the Air Force. I have used my weight as a barrier from getting close to people because they might hurt me again/too. I am very good with people at an emotional distance. Some who get closer slay me with their words every day without realizing it and I wish the barrier to get thicker. Sometimes, I'm successful. Sometimes, I'm not. Yeah. I have a bit of a problem here. Facing it really sucks. Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords, Inverted |
| April 16
Profound Moments
LapBand Weightloss
Suddenly, after I wrote that note, I realized I have not been under that weight since I broke my leg in October 2000. In fact, I did not honestly remember the last time I was under 287. I'm guessing it was in 1997 or 1998. Maybe. That meant for every single pound I lost from this moment on would be the lowest I had weighed in 5-7 years.
For those of you who have not really had a weight problem nor been emotionally tied up in your weight, it is hard to explain to you the conflict of emotions I feel right now. The fear I have of the scale. The belief that this physical, emotional, mystical barrier of 287 will continue to be so for the rest of my life. All of the work I have done to this point will be for naught. Yet, on the same side, I am hoping against hope that this time the barrier will fall and I will see that nigh impossible number of 280.
It's almost like I'm daring the lapband to suddenly stop working or my body to rebel or something. I feel like laughing and crying. Like I can't seem to make up my mind as to what I want. If I break the barrier, there will be no more excuses. If I don't... I don't really want to think about that. I just hope in the next couple of months, I can laugh at my silliness and celebrate breaking the barrier.
Interesting dreams again. The Choice - I got to visit my friend Ice in DC. He wants me to help him play a game. It involves a live action assassination game in a hotel where, like lazer tag, you can take multiple hits.
Speaking of dreams, my work on my dream tome is slow but steady. I have transcribed all of 1997 and I'm working on 1998 now. You know, I'm a wordy wench. One typed paragraph often ends up being half a page in the tome. I'm not used to hand writing anything. So, this is quite the project for me. Fun though. I do like it. I just have to take frequent breaks to rest my hand. I can't really imagine hand writing out a novel.
The writing front is looking good if a bit crunched. I'm very happy with the direction that my alternate Krynn has taken and a lot of thanks goes to Hans who did some brainstorming with me. I even named an important character after him, Johannes Stirn. I named Johannes' successor after Hans' brother, Albert - Albrecht Vogt. I had a lot of fun completely reworking Kyrnn's history, creating new nations and destroying a couple of islands. Now, I'm onto places of interest and people of interest. If I can keep up a regular number of words a day from now until the 24th, I'll be doing well.
I've been asked if I would be interested in forming the nucleus of a new writing group. I am very interested. This morning was the perfect sort of morning to wander over to a coffee shop like Victor's and hang out with other writer types working on our respective projects. It made me really miss Dana Street café this morning and the crew that I knew there. Victor's isn't as homey as it could be yet. Yet. I hope, one day, it will be.
The only real problem I see with writing groups is the fact that writers, on a general basis, have huge egos and have a hard time accepting critiques. I'm included in that. I'm getting better at it but sometimes, it is really had to deal with other writers. I suspect, as a published author, there will be more expected from me in both my writing and critiques/advice than the rest. I like this and I don't. It's hard to explain. It forces me to work up to my potential but it puts pressure on me. People who know me know that, sometimes, I'm not the easiest person to work with. I have high (sometimes unrealistic) expectations and I'm often disappointed when they aren't met.
Still, getting into a writing group on the West Side might do me some good. Pull me out of my comfort zone physically, mentally and professionally.
Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Swords
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| April 24
Work, Writing & Gaming, Oh My!
Work was interesting. I experienced what I am calling my first "warp core breach" at MS on Thursday. Basically, something happens that a fix absolutely must go out immediately and ALL other meetings, projects, deadlines, etc... are secondary to this one breach. I ended up staying at work until almost midnight that night and had to warn the professor the next day in my "Mandatory Training" that I might be called away. I had set up another test point lead for Friday while I was in class but I still got called three times during the day. There was a whole lot of CYA going on and, ultimately, the buck stopped with me on the test side. It interesting, enlightening and something I do not want to do on a regular basis.
I'm going to spend the next week not writing anything major for several reasons: My brain is tired. It's going to be even more tired after a week of C# training. I like this professor. He's got the best geeky jokes. I want to do some major work on the Dream Tome and I just got 11 gig of MP3s to go through, weed out the crap that I don't want and transfer the rest to my iBook to upload to my iPod.
On the not so fun side, Leigh-Ann is having to cancel going to Greece with me in October. I am way bummed about that. I think she and I would have had a great time together. So, I'm looking for another traveling partner. I have a line on a lass friend of mine who I would love to travel with. I think we would have an outrageous time together. She's still checking out the details of whether or not she can go but she believes she can. I hope! I hope! I want to go on this cruise!
Last night was one of those extremely satisfying LARP experiences at Crimson Dawn. It had the conflicting emotions of love and anger, of grief and bemusement. It also had one of those incredible satisfying conflicts to get to the MacGuffin - that one thing Ximena had been chasing for over a year of game time, that she LOST two sessions ago and managed to recover this session. With a little help from her friends, of course. But, my goodness, I was on such a high after the game. Plus, the GMs tossed in a new NPC bad guy that really got Ximena's attention - because, at heart, Ximena is an aristocrat and she loves to play like one.
This was a fortuitous experience as just before the game started, Monte asked me what have been my top three gaming experiences and why. I've been thinking about and I think I've come up with two examples that really point out what I like about gaming.
The first was between Alex and I. We played in a D&D game called the North Kingdom Campaign for almost two years together. Bob, our GM was a master at intricate huge over all arching plots that interweave with smaller plots. Like we often did on the long drive home, Alex and I talked in character. There was one time towards the end of the adventure when Elea and Donnan were talking and one of us got a final necessary link, the keystone to the puzzle. We started brainstorming together and the pieces fell into place. It was a really cool scene and it felt awesome to finally put the piece of the puzzle together. After being amazed at how the plots wove together, I had a real sense of accomplishment.
The second was a bantering scene between Dora and Dante in the Revelations LARP. Dante was a fairly psychotic Giovanni. Dora was a overly confident Catiff. The two of them formed a weird relationship because Dora kept surprising Dante and I think because she amused him. There was one particular scene where they bantered back and forth but it was like dancing on the edge of a knife for Dora. She was poking the sleeping bear and he could wake up at any time. There was a real thrill of danger as she knew he was close to the edge of just dropping the façade of civility and making her live to regret it. It was very satisfying because we had dropped enough into character that I was feeling the emotions - fear, anticipation, desire, malice, amusement.
I'm watching Casablanca for the first time and, just like when I finally watched The Godfather, so many cultural references are suddenly falling into place. Those things that are parodies or homages have instantly become pale imitations that personify the concept that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Ingrid Bergman is exquisite and Humphrey Bogart has joined my collection of anti-hero fantasies for a rainy day.
Here's looking at you, kid.
Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Swords, Inverted
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| April 30
Geek Points & Sex Someone sent me a gift out of the blue. It was some fresh fruits, Cater Lake Crunch, rice crackers and carrot cake. Yum! Unfortunately, I have no idea who it is. The note on the package only said: "Random surprise from" // "To brighten my day" and that's it. I've been munching on the goodies since I got them. If you sent it to me, thank you. I appreciate it. I love getting random and unexpected gifts. It means that someone thought of me when I wasn't there and that means the whole world to me. Next week, work goes back to normal. No more C# class. Just automating my little heart out. I have a month left to get all of my stuff done and I'm not sure how I'm going to do it all. The C# class was interesting but it was very intense. I wish I had had this guy as my teacher at BCC. I might have learned more then instead of now. On the writing front, I'm supposed to be taking a little break from writing but that hasn't stopped my normal goober game writing. I wrote up all the stuff for the Crimson Dawn LARP and I've written up a little background story for my new character in the Tuesday night game that Ben will be running until Patrick has time to get back into the 7th Sea game. My new character is based around the lead from the Bourne Identity except, she became aware of herself 2 years ago and got helped out by a large philanthropic organization who then hired her to work for them. She has been working for them for two years, still hasn't figured out who she once was and is hunted but doesn't know it. This is a WoD 2.0 game with an X-Files and Millennium bent to it. I'm very excited about the game. Thinking of the Tuesday night game, last Tuesday proved that "Spring has sprung" when all of the conversations we had ended up revolving around sex and the fact that everyone has been thinking a lot about sex lately. I know I have. In a major way. So much so that sometimes it's hard to concentrate on whatever I'm doing. I'm spending a whole lot of time in my head knocking boots with movie stars, fictional characters and friends. I think some of my friends would be very surprised and/embarrassed to learn of some of the roles they have recently played in my fantasies. However, I'm not talking. I don't need to scare off any of my friends. I've also been itching to find a good dominate play partner but I don't want to damage my sleigh bed by drilling holes in the frame for eyebolts. Ben, being a woodworking sort, has offered to figure out if he can build a simple wooden harness for me. I've been thinking about various designs and I think I've figured out one that I want to discuss with him. He's also offered to build a toy cabinet for all my BDSM toys. That would be appreciated. It sucks that they are just in a cardboard box for now. A cutie friend at work told me that he and his girlfriend just broke up. He's moved out and bought his own house. This is the guy that reminds me a bit of a cross between Yony and Robert. So, of course, I'm attracted to him. But, I suspect pursuing him in any way would be disastrous. I would end up being the "rebound girl" and that would suck. Plus, he works in my department. While I've loosened that whole not dating people from the same company because that cuts out most of the eligible geeky men in the Seattle/East Side area I would be interested in, dating someone in the same Test org is still a bit close for comfort. Ah, well. Rainy day fantasies. Thinking more on sex, a friend of mine has become the "other woman" in an illicit affair. Normally, I would chide her for such an action. But, you know what? She's an adult. She knows what she's doing and she believes she's prepared for the consequences of her actions. Good for her. What sucks is the fact that I am green with envy over this. I've always wanted to be the "other woman." I suppose, it's because I've always been attracted to rule breakers and I wish I could be a rule breaker, too. Not to mention, getting something that is forbidden makes it that much more sweet. I know it is wrong and against my "Honesty, Communication, Comfort Zones" rules that I have for all relationships - monogamous or poly. But, dammit, sometimes, I wish I could just break the damn rules. Mine, his, society's, morality's, etc... I want to do the bad thing. I want to have what I shouldn't. Can you imagine it? The hidden affair filled with secret meetings and hot sex, knowing that this is all it can be? Not to mention the power high of knowing someone is willing to risk so very much (money, reputation, marriage, friends) to be with you. All because you are just that special/attractive/desirable to them. Yeah, it's idealized in my mind. I know it. Most illicit affairs end badly. That doesn't stop me from still wanting that thrill and excitement. I won't really know what it is like until I experience it. Try explaining the taste of chocolate to someone who has never tasted it or what an orgasm feels like to someone who has never experienced one. You can talk all you want. You read all you want. But, until you do it, you can never really understand how it feels and I want to know. Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Swords |
| April |
| April |
Continue on to: MAY 2005
(Created by JLB)