April 2004

The Mom Report
This was a really good visit. I think one that was needed. Neither of us wanted to fight so, we made sure to stay away from the dangerous topics. Even the one time we danced around politics and gay marriage, we only touched on it lightly, then moved on. Over all, it was a whole lot of fun. We "got to know" each other again and I'll probably go visit the family for Thanksgiving this year.

Mom and I on school and psychology: Mom had a really good insight into this. She brought up a lot of issues I had not thought of before. Mom's main thought - she is absolutely sure that I would be an excellent psychologist until the job killed me. She believes I am far too empathic to deal with much of the trauma that people bring to psychologists to work through. Not being able to help someone would hurt me. Trying to help a child deal with something like rape would infuriate me. Trying to get two reasonable people to be reasonable to each other would frustrate me.

The next thought she had was that I did need to have some sort of volunteer experience to know if I would like working in counseling. You see, I don't like people as a whole. I get extremely emotionally attached to individuals. In such a job, I would not always be able to control who I would come in contact with. More likely, I would do better in research. I'm not completely sure on this. Only time and some volunteer experience will tell. However, with these new thoughts, I'm doing a lot of long and hard thinking.

Mom and I on my year of sabbatical for writing: Mom's first comment, "You not must be as concerned about the future as I am. But, it is your life. You're not getting any younger, honey." To which I responded, "Exactly. If I'm going to do it, this is the time to do it. So, if it fails, I can recover from it." She looked at me thoughtfully and nodded. We talked about this subject a lot. Surprisingly, she was a lot more supportive of my year sabbatical for writing than a career change. She thought it would be good for me and get me out of the professional rut I'm in right now. Still, as she pointed out, the year off was still 2 years away and an awful lot could happen in a year, much less two.

However, the most surprising revelation came as I was driving her to the airport to go him. I mentioned that my trainer, Kolu, suggested that I just move home with my parents to write for that year. That it would be the cheapest and most secure thing I could do.

Mom responded with, "We don't really have room but sure."
Me: *shocked* "What? You'd actually let me move home to spend a year writing?"
Mom: "Yes. We would. As long as you didn't pull a Scott. We could set up the guest room again." (Pulling a Scott refers to my brother asking to move home for a year and staying for five.)
Me: "Wow. That's really unexpected. I never thought of that."
Mom: "Though, truthfully, I wouldn't recommend it. I don't think you'd be happy living with us again."
Me: "Yeah, honestly, I probably wouldn't. But, it's nice to know the option is there if I really, really want it."

The conversation then turned to the only two reasons that I can think of that would make me move home:

1. Something horribly cataclysmic happened to me - brain tumor, lost job/home/bankruptcy, etc...

2. One of my parents died and the other needed me. I'm the only single kid in the immediate family. I'm really the only one in a position to move and take care of one of my parents if they needed it. Admitting this to her seemed to please my mom. "It's nice to know I have two options available to me if necessary."

Mom and Esme: Cats are funny. Especially my cat. When my mom first arrived, Esme got so jealous of my attention to my mom that it was actually noticeable. First, she kept walking between me and mom, meowing. Then, she kept trying to bite both of us. After a while, she realized that my mom was warm and had hands to pet her. Not to mention, feed her yummy tidbits. Though, she did continue to have bitchy spells which we discovered to be due to a lack of sleep. Mom being here and me coming home early interrupted her sleeping cycles. We discovered this when she basically passed out on Tuesday for almost the entire day. I guess I just never realized how much sleep she needed.

Mom and I on the family: I did learn some interesting gossip about the family while Mom was here. Things like how my sis-in-law is doing with her pregnancy and their move. My sister's husband's parents reaction to a proposal my mom made to the family. The fact that a relative who is a reservist just got picked up to go to Iraq. I also shared some of my more bluntly honest thoughts about my mom's sister (whom I dislike) versus one of my dad's sisters (whom I adore). It looks like I'm going to be spending Thanksgiving with my family in some fashion this year. Be it a family reunion at Aunt Jackie's or just staying with my parents for that time.

I think this was a very needed visit. I got to connect with my mom again and she got to know me as her kid again. We did a whole lot of talking about everything and nothing - which is when you learn who a person really is. I think, most importantly, it reminded both of us that, despite our differences and somewhat fundamental disagreements, we are still family and we still really love each other.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Four of Wands, Inverted

Dreams & Dating
Recently, I have been having a series of dreams I call "The Stand" dreams. Each one seems to be my mind working out a personal issue. In each one, something traumatic happens like Skippy the super flu virus and 99.9% of the earth's population dies. That is the background these dreams are running in.

The first dream I had involved me and, of my friends, only Monte surviving. We connected first on YIM, then by cell phone, agreeing to meet "half way" because us at Grants Pass. While we each traveled there, we had dreams of Randall Flagg and of another man, the Leader. In the dreams with Flagg, I always killed the Leader and went to Flagg. In the dreams with the Leader, he was always telling me that sometimes, a leader has make a hard decision that they don't want to make. I woke up from one of the Flagg dreams, scared and angry, yelling at the sky that I wouldn't do it. At that point, Monte arrived. Crying, I tried to tell him what I dreamed. He kept saying, "I know. It's ok." Then, we had thank-God-you're-alive-and-you-found-me sex. The rest of the dream was snippet bits of the future after that.

The second dream started off the same way but we agree to meet at Grants Pass, I went to REI and got really good hiking shoes. This was important to me. To be prepared. [Flash to a scene of Monte driving wildly through a busted up town.] Next, I went and took my neighbor's Jeep. I spent a lot of time making sure it was in good shape, filling it with gas and getting extra containers of gas. [Flash to a scene of Monte driving off road through rough terrain.] Finally, I went to the grocery store to stock up on water and non-perishable foods. Mostly canned meats, veggies and vitamins. Though, I did also pick up a box of sweets, too. From there, I headed out for Grants Pass.

The third recent dream started with me knowing I was to meet Monte in Grants Pass and I was already there, waiting in what looked to be the ruins of a castle. As I was waiting, I noticed a shine in the distance. It was approaching. As it got closer, I saw that it was a small wave of water, about a foot high. It didn't seem dangerous at first but I moved to higher ground in the castle. As I was doing that, the wave hit and places all around me started to break open with water. I fled to the highest point in the ruined castle with the water chasing me. However, after I reached the top and had no other place to go, I looked back and saw that the water line had stopped about 10 feet down and I was going to be just fine. As I watched, the water slowly started to recede and I know, eventually, I would be able to come down from my safe place to a new landscape.

The first dream seemed to delve into my need for companionship, trust and loyalty. I think, Monte has become a visual dream symbol of survival for me. Here, he represented the concept that I was not alone to face my fears and that I was loved.

The second dream seemed to dwell on my need to be well prepared for anything because I never know what is coming and I may need to support more than myself. Especially in an unfamiliar endeavor against unknown, if suspected obstacles. (IE: My planning for my year sabbatical.) In this dream, Monte was representing possible future trials as he traveled toward me.

The third dream seemed to focus on my ability to survive on my own - whether I like it or not. Sometimes, things seem overwhelming but I am strong, resourceful and determined. I can overcome them on my own. I rather liked this last dream.

I've recently started to re-enter the dating scene. Honestly, I really hate it. But, I figured if I don't try, I won't know how it is. I've never actually tried to actively date before. When I signed up for Match.com, I wasn't doing it to look for dates. I did because a friend did and was laughing at profiles. Then, rather startlingly to me, men started to email. Mostly, I wrote back out of curiosity. Recently, I started looking to see if anyone would be interesting to date or, at least, hang out with.

I went on my first actual Match.com date this morning. Set up a silent alarm and everything. The guy was nice enough but there really wasn't anything there. I had not wanted to meet him so quickly but he wanted to meet and see if there was a spark rather than become emotionally invested online only to discover it didn't translate over. I could understand that. In his case, I guess this was a good thing because I won't be going out with him again. We'll see about the other guy. Much more promising sounding - works for MS, likes Viktor's and actively games. Him, I'm willing to meet sooner rather than later and he sounds like an interesting enough guy that even if I don't want to date him, I'll probably have him meet Hans, Robert and Jeff anyway.

It's funny. One of my criteria for a 'successful date' now is whether or not I'm going to want to have him meet my friends. It's kind of like having them meet my "family." Plus, the guys know me well enough to know whether or not they think a guy would be a good match.

In truth, dating sucks. It's awkward and uncomfortable. It puts me in situations that I'm not normally in. I would much rather have a maniacal little green "Crush Fairy" come along and whack me upside the head like it did with me and Yony. Those are much easier and more interesting to deal with in my opinion.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Five of Wands

Material Girl
This entry could also be called, "Oooo! Shiny!" This last week, my mom's birthday/Christmas gift of a Roomba arrived. Also, I fulfilled my promise to myself that of buying myself an iPod for loosing 20 pounds.

The Roomba is pretty odd and interesting. It does seem to work and it does have an interesting, if unfathomable, algorithm for cleaning a room. It also seems to like to chase my cat. No, seriously. Or, maybe, my cat just likes to move in the same pattern that the Roomba is programmed to move in. The first time I set it down and let it run, it made a beeline for the cat, who watched it curiously, the moved. The robotic vacuum cleaner followed, all the way under the desk and everything. I did get pictures of the first encounter, someday, I'll actually download them from the digital camera and post them.

Now, I won't say that the thing is perfect. It doesn't seem to do so well in hallway areas because they aren't big open spaces but it does seem to try to get the areas it has been assigned with a dogged determination. Though, watching it bump around corners is slightly painful to watch. All in all, it does clean things well enough and it amuses my cat. So, good in my book.

The iPod is a different story. First, I paid a bit more than I had planned on but it turned out good in the end. I've spent the rest of the week ripping my CDs - have a lot of them - and setting up the playlists. I still have yet to actually load them onto the iPod and use it. I had not realized that getting things set up for the iPod would take so much time. I finally pulled it out of the box when I realized that I would need to charge it up before I did any of its setting up that I will need to do. I hope to actually start using it by the end of this week. Until then, it remains a very shiny new, unused, toy.

In writing news, Games Unplugged sent me my latest assignment, Darwin's World: Post-Apocalyptic Adventures. This RPG is right up my alley. I've just started reading it and I'm totally loving it. I don't know why I'm so fascinated with the concept of a post-apocalyptic world, but I am nevertheless. I think it is because the stories coming from such a time period are all about a good man's triumphant over, not only the elements, but of those who have rose to the top by stomping on those weaker than them. I guess, I'm a sucker for a champion against overwhelming odds.

Also, I'm back in touch with the editor who published my Hucked Tankard tales. He just got a new job with Sovereign Press, the creators of Sovereign Stone. He told me would definitely keep me in mind for any and all contract/freelance work coming down the pipe on his projects. This has me excited beyond belief. First, it is going to be very good to be working with this editor again. I rather like him. Second, this whole thing appeals to the gamer fan girl in me. Sovereign Press is owned by Margaret Weis. If you know that name, you know why my inner gamer fan girl is squealing her head off. If you don't, you won't understand and there's no need to explain.

Of course, all of this makes me long for my literary sabbatical but, I must be patient and practical. Because, unlike one of my other friends now moving up to Seattle, I don't have anyone offering to support me for a few months while I wrote. *squelches ill-concealed envy* Ah, well. Sometime in late 2005, I will do it. That is my plan if I have my say about it. Between tax returns, bonuses and the like, I should be able to do it.

There is a scary sort of freedom wrapped up in this coming literary year. It's the freedom to succeed or fail on my own merits. I'm good on discipline if it is only one thing at a time. Like, getting out of debt or buying a house or something like that. I keep wondering if I have the discipline to make writing my job. To create (as in world building), write, edit and/or submit something every weekday for a year. I wonder if I will continue to love writing as much as I do now or, if it is my job, I will come to hate it. I've got thoughts on how to schedule myself and how to give myself deadlines. But, without someone else there to answer to, will I follow them? I don't know. I would like to think I can and will. I guess I will find out. Though, not soon enough for my taste.

Rounding out my thoughts on writing is my most recent dream... Vampire Guardians - This is the kind of dream worthy of having a story written around it. I've just become a vampire, one of six, who, with the help of three humans, routinely saves the world. The people involved come from all walks of life.

Tarot Card for the Day: Five of Wands, Inverted

Geek Heaven
This weekend was all about Geek Heaven for me. I hung out with Jeff and watched "Rashomon" by Kurosawa for the first time. It is amazingly progressive for having been made in 1950. Suddenly, I now understand why so many people reference "Rashomon" today. It holds up well for having been made over five decades ago. The other movie we watched was "The Returner," a Hong Kong action flick that felt very much like a live-action anime movie. I swear, this movie had everything - Yakuza, an alien invasion, time travel, the assassin with a heart of gold and a revenge story, the cute, plucky heroine and a villain that was just too villainous for words. It was such a great movie to watch. I totally recommend it for anyone who likes that sort of action film.

I also sat down and wrote up the background story for my new AD&D Forgotten Realms campaign character. She is a young chosen of Siamorphe from Tethyr who has the destiny of retrieving a very powerful artifact for her faith. Of course, there are a lot of political factions involved while Tirsani honestly believes that she goes to do Siamorphe's will and that this artifact she is destined to bring back with her will unite her people under one grand rule for the good of all. Her background is not the focus of the campaign, but after a few sessions, it might become the focus for a bit. The GM is encouraging all of the players to make up rich backgrounds that lend themselves to tangential adventures.

Today, I got together with Jim and a couple of the GMs of the LARP Shadows of a Crimson Dawn. This isn't your normal WW vampire LARP. It is a modified Victorian steam punk with an alternate WW vampire history. I'm going to be playing an adventuress and authoress Malkavian who has an obsession with debunking myths named Ximena Harker. (Yes, yes. I know. How gothic can you get?) She will be companion to the two fisted gentleman professor and archeologist Brujah, Diggeri Bannister. Together, we will be associated with the Diplomatic branch in England. Actually, he will be since the Malkavians are the "boogey-men" of this kindred world. I've all sorts of fun merits and flaws. I have my Grandsire as a mentor and my infamous sire's resentment. It sounds he will be teaming up with Diggeri's Setite enemy. Lots of fun. I'm all excited about getting back into LARPing, even if it is only once a month.

Also, Rory, one of the GMs has convinced me to at least look into working for him for next Norwescon in the IT department. I'm not completely sure about it but I promised I would go to at least one meeting. Volunteering to be on staff at a sci-fi convention is a good way to really get into the sci-fi, gaming, goth, filk, etc... crowd in the area. As diverse as the groups are, there are only a finite number of fen people and it is a smaller crowd than it might first seem.

At the same time, Jim reminded me of the dates for the next NERO event. I said I wanted to ghost the next event to see what the whole thing is like. I want to get over my impression that it is just a bunch of younglings beating each other up with foam weapons. I used to do that when I in my twenties. Not that I'm in my thirties, I really don't want to be beaten up by a bunch of indestructible twenty-somethings. Jim's promised me that there is a lot more role-playing and less beating up. Even so, I could do the spell caster or healer thing and limit my exposure to the foam weapons.

My most recently recorded dream: CDC & The Riddle - So, this is what happens when you watch Cowboy Bebop before going to bed. Those who know the movie will see it's influences in the dream. While getting my hair done, I have a run in with the CDC. After I escape, I end up in a junior high school, looking for shoes to steal and run into a couple of interesting people.

There are days when it completely amazes me at how much stepping on the scale affects my mood. The loss of a pound makes me smile. The loss of 3+ pounds has me doing my inner dance of joy. The lack of a loss leaves me disappointed for hours. The gain of any weight at all makes me super emotional and depressed. Then, later, I forget the emotion I experienced until I am surprised the next week.

This week, there was a gain of about .4 pounds. Not a lot but the fact that I gained weight just killed me. I almost burst into tears in the office. I'm so frustrated at a week's worth of amounting to nothing or worse than nothing. I was so hoping to keep above my 2 pound loss per week average. Now, I'm in a fight to keep my 2 pound average. I'm starting week fifteen. By the end of it, I really want to have lost 30 pounds.

I know that more than the numbers matter but, dammit, the numbers do still matter to me. I can't help myself. It's the one tangible thing I can hold on to. I haven't lost enough to justify any new clothes. I haven't changed enough for new clothes to make a difference. I want that number. I want to say, "I've lost 30 pounds so far."

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Wands

Horrific
There are a series of articles running around about how seventeen soldiers, including a General, have been removed from duty for abusing and humiliating Iraqi prisoners. I've read the articles. I've seen the pictures that have surfaced. These pictures are so horrifying that I wish to God they were composites but they don't look like it. They look like smiling, happy, thumbs-up American soldiers and Reservists standing over, abusing and humiliating naked, helpless men.

As a former military brat and former member of the Air Force, I am deeply horrified and ashamed. I cannot believe our soldiers would do this. We're the frickin' good guys! At least, I thought we were. I'm starting to have some serious doubts about that. I cannot imagine what would possess these soldiers to do such horrible things to these prisoners of war. (They are prisoners of war, right - and subject to the guidelines of the Geneva Convention? Even if they aren't, they should NOT be treated like this.)

Any solider guilty of this abuse should be immediately court marital-ed. I know at least six soldiers have court marital dates in the works. I don't want this to be swept under the rug. I don't want those who are guilty to get away with it. I don't want anyone to say "He told me to do it." I want those smiling soldiers in the pictures to go to jail for a long, long time. Someone should have stood up and said, "This is wrong."

Brigadier General Mark Kimmitt said it best: "If we can't hold ourselves up as an example of how to treat people with dignity and respect, we can't ask that other nations do that to our soldiers."

He is so very right. You know if this was happening to American soldiers, there would be hell to pay. We need to be the right example. We need to not be the horrifying American empire that we seem to be becoming.

I will say this, though. There are a whole lot of really good people in the military. We should not judge the whole of the military based on the actions of these few soldiers. The guilty soldiers should get what they deserve and be held accountable for their actions. The ones who are there to do their duty, to serve their country and to do the best job they know how, should be lauded and supported. A few bad apples does not prove that the whole bushel is bad.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Six of Wands, Inverted