April 2003

Golden Handcuffs

The two days before my offer interview with Microsoft have got to have been the most stressed I have ever been in my entire life. Monday, all of the interviews started. People were walking out both happy and sad. Rumors were flying over pay rates and such. Tuesday, I found out only one of the three QA engineers in Portland got an offer. I completely freaked out about this. I mean, completely and totally. Almost to the point of hyperventilation. Yony and my friends had quite the job of keeping me sane.

Wednesday morning, MS was running late. I was certain that I was going to get the boot, so, I was pretty twitchy. When the MS QA Manager started his business speech, I was certain I was getting the boot. But, in the end, he happily offered me a relocation package. I let out an explosive "whew!" and the HR lady laughed, "Man, I was sweating bullets for her and I already knew the answer." I swear, it was like watching Joe Millionaire propose to Zora.

Here's the skinny on my offer, on top of the PlaceWare four week pay retention bonus:

[MS offer snipped for privacy and legal reasons. Suffice it to say that it is really good, including lots of benefits and bonuses over the next couple of years. Plus, ALL moving expenses paid for upfront.]

I was really stunned by this offer. I mean, REALLY stunned. Happy, giddy, emotional. This offer is so much better than I thought. I am actually getting a small raise in base salary... A California salary in Washington cost of living. PLUS, the benefits and bonuses. I had expected a cost-of-living pay cut - which did happen to some people. I guess all my hard work paid off.

Current tally on the QA department offers:

After work, I visited my guy and had a much needed cuddle with him. He got some great news on a possible job opportunity that would just be too awesome to pass up. Good news all over the place. But, it also had me emotionally crashing and crashing hard in his arms. I don't know how long I cried. I did get his shirt all wet. It was a much needed stress relief. I know I'm not done crying but, for now, I'm happy at the coming opportunities and for the fact that Hans got an excellent offer and will be coming with me, too.

There is so much to do in the next three months, both professionally and personally, that I hardly know where to start. I think I'm going to start where I usually do: by making a list and checking it a billion times. Lots of little things to look out for: Fastrak thing, cell phone, registrations, etc...

Personally, I know there will be a lot of mourning to do. I have lived in the Bay Area for over 10 years now. Things are known, familiar. As much as I crave the change, I also crave the stability. Stability is something I am not going to have for at least the next five months. I will be mourning the loss of people, places and things. Of course, I can keep in touch with people via email, IM and phone. I plan to. It's not really the same but it will have to do. I expect, I will be making frequent trips to the Bay Area over the next couple of years as well.

Still, I am pretty glad that I did get an offer. If I have to leave loved ones behind to further my career, it seems like the golden handcuffs are making it worth it.

On the writing front, I've been given two new articles to write. One for Black Gate and one for Games Unplugged. Just normal reviews. Nothing too hard. On the fiction side of things, I'm going to be reviewing Dwarf Blood Mead for M'ris. It's a young adult novel. I'm looking forward to it. Also, I need to do critiques for Shapers of the Unknown. I'm running late on them but I think they will forgive me due to my life changing circumstances.

I seem to be doing more encouraging of writing than actually writing myself. This bugs me a bit. I want to be writing and creating, too. It's high time for me to be making submissions around the net. But, I just can't seem to find the time to do it. If I'm home, which is rare, I'm exhausted or reading or doing the chores that so very much need to be done. Otherwise, I'm out. The only times I seem to be able to write is when I make it to Dana street before some evening event. That's just not enough.

Grrr. I do have to be careful not to get too hard on myself. I don't know. Maybe I should just put the writing aside until I move. Otherwise, I'm going to get frustrated. IF I happen to write, that will be icing on the cake. If not, no worries. Hmmm. Not sure I can do that but it does seem to be work a shot.

In the meantime, here are some questions from the Shaper's list I answered today:

1. Are you willing/planning to write a specified amount words (1,000) or time (1 hour) per day for 5 out of 7 days of the week?
Per day? With the above reasons, probably not. Does writing articles for Black Gate and Games Unplugged count towards this? I could do 2-3 days a week for an hour. Not sure on the word count.

2. What are your short term writing goals (next 6-12 months)?

3. What are your long term writing goals (over 1 year from this point)?

4. What do you feel is your greatest strength in writing?
All of the many stories in my head begging to be written.

5. What do you feel is your greatest hinderance or weakness in writing?
Time or lack thereof. I need to make MORE time for writing, editing, critiquing.

It feels good to have a definite plan about these things.

Tarot Card for the Day: Temperance

Rode Hard and Put Away Wet

I feel like a horse that has been rode hard and put away wet - and not in a good way. Believe me on that one. This week has started off with one heck of a bang. Far too many things going on: new builds, broken builds, unexpected builds for Beta that have to be done NOW and an extremely talkative QA guy from MS visiting this week. (Nice guy, but I'm having to invent meetings to get away from him so I can go test and manage my people. Especially since MM is constantly asking me about the unexpected build for Beta...)

Another thing that as happened is that MS has gotten back to me on a visit to Seattle. This weekend. Not a whole lot of notice. Fortunately, Hans, Andrew and PTL are all in this wave, too. So, I'll be able to be extremely mercenary and squeeze in a QA meeting with PTL while we are there. There is going to be a real estate tour as well as a MS tour/talk and a dinner social. My guy is looking at his schedule but it appears that he's going to be able to come with me on this. I'm going to see if I can wrangle him a visit/interview with MS Research while up there. That would be awesome.

I recently realized that with the housing market up there in Seattle and my bonuses coming from both PW and MS as a down payment, I have a very decent chance of being able to buy a condo or house when I get there. Holy Toledo.

That said, the MS contract with all of its' promises of fame and fortune (ok, employment and decent pay) is still sitting, unsigned, on the dining room table. Even though I want to go - and I do want to go - I am feeling the pulls here, wanting me to stay. It would be silly for me to do so. And I won't. I know I will sign that contract and go. But, for now, my heart is struggling with me and asking me if it is what I REALLY want to do. It keeps prodding me with "what if..." thoughts. My guy soothed me, assuring me that if I hate it, I can always return here. Of course, I'm afraid that nothing will be the same.

Damn, this is still hard. I don't think I'm going to sign that contract until I get back from my trip to Seattle. I need to see the area. To know what is going on better. To look at the area, the people, everything.

In the meantime, I'm getting the urge to write. I want to take a break while all of this is going on but I have itchy fingers. I can't really concentrate on Breaking the Chains to outline it. That sort of thing takes more creative power than I have right now. But, perhaps, I could start on the First Pass edits of Regresser's Evolution once I get back the last crit. I've got the structure. I know the story. There will be whole chunks that will need to be rewritten, but I can do that. Maybe I'll do that.

Also, I do have a new story to write for my writing group, Shapers. I'm the one who suggested this challenge, too. I like the idea of a creepy horror story. Oh! And I just thought of how to make the story I was just thinking of that much more creepy. Neat! I love that. Plus, I do have two articles and one Hucked Tankard tale to write by the first week in May. Hmmm, maybe I can keep letting Regresser's Evolution stew in the back of my mind.

I'm reading Dwarf's Blood Mead for M'ris. Wow, is she good. She's also making me think that maybe, like her and Susan Cooper, I could - possibly - write a couple of Young Adult novels. Well, it is something to ponder for AFTER I do Breaking the Chains.

I know I spend a lot of my time in imaginary worlds. I generally can separate the imaginary worlds from the real one. I try really hard to do this. It doesn't always work. I'm human. I make mistakes. Ah, well. But, I've been thinking about the imaginary worlds that I'm active in right now.

Marrach: Online fantasy - I'm not really sure you could say I'm active. More passive. To the point that I'm going to give my most favoritest character, Elea, over to a friend of mine for a time so she can be in the game because she is needed. I don't know how long this will last. At least three to five months. I just need to get Storyplotter approve for it. Sara and Edanya can pop in and out occasionally. Elea is needed as THE sorcery apprentice.

Anagamin: Every other Thursday, Plainscape - The more I think about it, the more I am sure I should drop this game. I go these day, almost exclusively, to see the people who play in it. I'm not emotionally invested in my character and I'm finding more and more that I need this night for other stuff. I feel bad about this because it isn't personal against the GM/players. It's a matter of priorities and with my shortened time here now... I need that time to do these other things and see these other people. Le sigh. That sounds bad.

Kult: Every Monday, Kult - A new game. Ok, yes. Reading the above, this sounds really hypocritical but it isn't. The people in this game are people I don't get to see outside of Revelations most of the time and I care about each one of them a lot. I want to spent time with them all and this game is a good way to do it. I see everyone in Anagamin at the Buffy nights as well as Revelations. So, this game is a social priority that lets me see these people. (Please don't yell at me for this.)

Revelations LARP: Every Friday, Vampire - It's a LARP. It's the only one I'm in. There are TONS of people in it that I don't see otherwise. It's lots of fun and I enjoy it. However, unfortunately, it seems to be the source of a lot of heartache and drama for my friends. I have missed 90% of the drama and hear it afterwards. The cheating, metagaming and bad feelings stuff all sucks. I'm sorry it is happening and I wish it would stop. But, at least I can say I'm having a ball and I'm making a lot of my own fun tweaking the Tremere and the Giovanni. *hehehehe*

Ethyria: Last Saturday of the Month, Steam Punk - Yet another completely different gaming group and set of friends I don't see often enough. I love this game. The whole group meshes so damn well in and out of character. I am going miss this group so very much. Everyone in the group has influenced me in one way or another and all for the better.

Port Townsend: Monthly-ish, Buffyverse - A long standing game that has still another group of friends in it that I never see otherwise. I think this one is going to move to online once I move so that I and a person from Connecticut can play. That would be very cool.

Casting the Runes: Every six weeks or so, Dark Ages Vampire/Mage - A fun game that I enjoy if I can make it. I like my character. I like 2/3rds of the players and that makes it worth going to. Though, I do admit, some of the players drive me nuts. The GM knows my schedule and knows that I am far too busy for my own good. Still, somehow, he always manages to set the game date on a day I can make it. That's pretty cool.

I've had to drop two other games already because of everything: A long running AD&D game and a Star Wars game. Both were monthly and the drive to get out there was really pretty harsh. 90 minutes one way for me. Man, it seems that I game so much in order to see people I wouldn't see otherwise. You know, that make it all the more valuable and important to me.

Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Wands, Inverted

The Seattle Trip

This past week has been an exercise in barely controlled chaos. Most of it was dominated by Microsoft flying me up to Seattle for the "shock and awe" part of the wooing for those they gave relocation offers to. Hans had his trip up at the same time and I brought Yony with me for moral support. I was really glad that both of them were there. It helped to bounce ideas off of them.

Saturday: Travel Day
Not a great day. You know, it is a damn good thing that Microsoft is not wooing me for my grace or agility. On the way to the car to go to the airport, I was extremely clumsy. I kicked a crack in the sidewalk so hard that I wrenched every muscle in the top of my left foot. OMG, did it hurt. Bad enough that I wasn't certain I should be walking it. But, I did anyway. I didn't have my crutches and I didn't have time to go back to my apartment to get them. Also, I was very disappointed to discover that Hans, Yony and I were in three different parts of the plane for the ride up to Seattle. Fortunately, the trip was only 90 minutes long and I slept most of the way.

Once we got there, I got the rental car and we drove to the hotel. I have to say, I really like valet parking. There is something really cool about driving up to the front of a building and letting someone else worry about parking your car. The hotel was really nice. I took a nap (when I'm traveling or healing, I tend to sleep a lot) while Hans and Yony took a walk around the area. We rounded out the evening having dinner with Andrew and Glenn at the Rock Bottom Brewery. I discovered that I like wheat beer.

Sunday: Real Estate Day
My goodness, there are some pretty areas around Seattle. Some bloody expensive ones as well. One of the most shocking things I experienced was just how small the Seattle area actually is. The lake, north to south is only 16 miles long. Driving from West to East (Downtown Seattle to Redmond where MS is) is only about 15 miles across. Plus, the 520 and 90 bridges do not have tolls on them. So, traffic moves well across them.

Greenlake area: This is my favorite area of downtown Seattle by far. It's pretty. It has a great lake with a 3 mile walking area and there is a neat little strip area. Plus, they have Chocolate Café. OMG, what a wonderful place. The 'Dark Vader' (raspberry hot chocolate) was practically an orgasmic experience. Commute to work: 20/30 minutes.

Capitol Hill area: This is my second favorite area. However, not the 'downtown' part of it near 10th street. That's just too busy and urban for my taste. The 15th street area is wonderful. Beautiful houses and close enough to 'stuff' to do. Commute to work: 20/30 minutes.

Fremont area: This area seemed the most eclectic but really cramped and crowded. That bothered me. Lori and David highly recommend it. So, I'm going to give it another shot. Commute to work: 20 minutes.

Bellevue area: This is my third favorite area. It is across the 520 bridge and is really close to MS. It is outside of Seattle downtown and is still growing. However, there is a certain charm to it and it has a decent downtown area. Because it is outside of Seattle proper, housing prices should be a bit better. Commute to work: 15 minutes.

Over all, though, when we started talking about buying a house and how much it is going to cost, I started hyperventilating. I think Yony thought I was going to have a heart attack. Apparently, I looked really wide-eyed and worried. In the areas I was looking, most of the condo/townhouses were in the $250k-$300k range while the house were in the $400k range. It is an awful lot of money for me. It really is. However, on the good side of things, I did see plenty of Fred Meyers stores. That made me happy.

I am going to have to be doing some serious thinking on whether or not I want to buy or rent. Or rent for 6 months, then buy. It would be silly for me not to buy if I have the means to. But, I want to make sure I'm getting a decent value for my money.

Monday: Microsoft Wooing Day
It took us only 20 minutes to get from downtown Seattle to Microsoft at 9:15am. Unfortunately, Monday morning, Yony had a computer sysadmin emergency that caused him to be distracted, on edge and have to leave from the presentation early. We spent a good four hours going over the MS benefits, which are extensive, and visiting the MS company store. It was very cool. I got Mac Office for Yony for only $50!

Monday night was a MS social. The most amusing part was the fact that we were directed to the wrong MS party at first. The poor HR people had to run around and herd us all in the right direction. It was good to talk to more of the QA department. It turns out that the MS guy who was here last week is my business unit's "special quirky QA guy" and they (my soon-to-be boss and the other team leads) had debated about sending him down here alone or not. Hearing the opinions of the other QA people about management and such was both refreshing and relieving - not to mention VERY different than quirky guy. Btw, vodka lemon drops are awesome!

Tuesday: Travel Day
It was a travel day. Our first flight was cancelled due to mechanical failure. Bleh on having to wait 2 hours for another plane. Yay for not dying in transit. I was really glad to get home by the time that we did.

Over all: Pretty positive
I do wish I had not killed my foot on the way going out. It made the walking tours a real pain - literally. Especially when my walking funny to compensate for the hurt foot was causing my other knee to freak out. My foot is just now recovering so I'm not limping anymore. Just hurting some.

I like the Seattle area. It's got a lot of charm. I especially like the architecture of the individual homes. Not a clome in sight. I still have stomach flutters at the thought of buying a house/condo but I am going to give it a good shot. Microsoft has a LOT to offer it for those who work there. I think I'm really going to like it. I hope so. There's so much potential. Yes, the change is going to be really scary. REALLY scary... but I think, everything will work out in the end.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Pentacles, Inverted

Smiling Through the Tears

Yes, it is the return of the Red Mess. No, this entry isn't just because of it. No, I'm not being overly emotional. Yes, I have been thinking about all this for a while now.

Lately, despite all of the successes in my professional life, I've been feeling like a dull dimwit. Someone who is unintelligent and uninteresting. I look at my friends and peers and realize that I don't have near enough to offer them. At least, that's what it feels like.

I'm not a programmer. I couldn't script a test to save my life. I can't help anyone with their neat projects. All I can do is break software and that's no fun when people are trying to built neat software gadgets. I'm not a hardware person. I considered it a major accomplishment when I upgraded the ram in my computer all by myself. The idea of installing a piece of hardware and the appropriate drivers gives me hives. I know I'm far too timid around my own personal computer because I've seen what I've done to the computers at work in the name of QA. I break computers. I can't fix them.

I'm not a linguist. I don't speak multiple languages. I don't know practically anything on how words are built. I missed ALL of my grammer courses in high school because of moving so often and I never had to take a grammer course in college. The only reason I can string words together in any sort of a cohesive sentence is because I read so much and I practice writing daily. Joke with me on how words are put together and all you'll get is a blank, uncomprehending stare.

I'm not a religious scholar. Despite my interest in religions, I actually know very little about them. Especially with pagan/earth religions. I have only the vaguest understanding of major holidays and sabbaths but none of the historical background. When it comes to any sort of religious discussion, I spend most of my time either listening or asking questions. Some people think I do it to play Devil's Advocate. Sometimes, I do. I want to see the conviction behind your belief. But, more than that... I really just want to know more.

I'm not politically astute. I think this one comes from my policy of generally not discussing politics with friends because I want them to remain friends. As a consequence, I'm not as up on the politics of the worlds as I should be. The only reason I know as much as I do now is because I spend a lot of time - you guessed it - listening to my friends and asking questions.

The list could go on but I'm stopping here. I know it's too late to avoid a whine-fest but, I really don't feel like talking about what I'm lacking. There are a couple of good things about me... my ability to do QA, my ability to listen/understand and my ability to tell stories. But, somehow, these qualities don't seem to match up to the qualities of my friends.

Also, they make me wonder about myself. Why am I so good at breaking software? Is it because I don't feel like I have a cultural identity with anything, thus I never see the value in something less-than-perfect yet whole? Why am I so good at telling stories? Is it because I spend too much time in my own head, avoiding a reality that I'm less than pleased with? Why am I such a good listener? Is it because it gives me something to think about other than my own uninspired thoughts?

I've identified some of my failings... I should be able to tackle each one and fix it. But, I never seem to have the discipline to do the necessary study or investigation. Something else always comes up. Right now, my impending relocation is an excellent excuse to not have the time to do any of the work. Then, my house hunting and settling in should take me throught at least October, maybe even November. Toss in some of my writing and I'm sure I can be "too busy" for the rest of the year. Bah.

Weird. MM has started spending a lot more time talking with me lately. Not even about work stuff. More about my relocation, my thoughts about it and what will happen when I get there. Sometimes, just joking with me. I've had him at my desk more often this last week than I have in the previous month. I'm wondering if this is his way of saying he's going to miss me. He's always been so hard to read.

A few hours later...

This is just going to be the entry for emotional splating, isn't it. Might as well get it all done in one entry. I've signed my relocation offer, accepting it and sent it in. With those few scribbled signatures, I've started closing one door and started looking at another.

So many of my friends keep telling me how lucky and fortunate I am to have this opportunity. And, I am. I know it. But, that's just logic for now. My heart keeps thrashing about what will be left behind. As I told one friend, "I know I'm moving. I've known it from the moment I heard about the buy out. There is no logical doubt. However, my heart is already mourning its losses to come. Eventually, though, I will get over myself and my heart will turn towards Seattle." His response was for me not to forget my friends here. This leads me to the core of the struggle that is going on with me now:

How do I move forward without leaving my heart behind?
How do I remember my loved ones without limiting my future?
Is there a happy medium between these two extremes?

Gods Above and Below, I hope so. I truly do. It's been so long since I've moved that I don't think I remember how to survive.... Or, maybe I've never known how to go forward without burning the bridges behind me - which is something I can't and won't do this time. I can't say "Goodbye." That word seems so damn permanent and final. Suddenly, I loath a word I never paid attention to before.

I sit here, my mind mentally thrashing as I smile through the tears. There is so much before me. There is so much I'm leaving behind. How can something so good be so bad at the same time?

The worst part about all this is the urge to pull away from everyone. To retreat into a shell so that it will hurt less on all sides when I go. I fight it, tooth and nail. I love my friends too much to become that distant and cold to them. I just hope they think our friendship is worth the pain of parting that is to come.

I've been thinking about my weight again. I suppose it is natural with all of the insecure thrashing I've been doing recently. Not to mention the plane ride home that slammed all of those hateful reminders to the forefront with the too small seats and me having to request a seatbelt extension. There is nothing more humiliating than having to tell a stranger you're too fat for the standard seat belt while those people around you watch as you get and attach the extra length of nylon belt so you can close the belt and be legal.

A friend of mine has just undergone weightloss surgery. There are some days when I feel like I will never get off the plateau that I'm on and the only reason I'm not seriously considering the surgery is because I don't want my tattoo cut/marred. Not to mention being a wimp about non-sensual pain. But... I guess I'm not that desparate/depressed enough. [Yes, 99% of all overweight people do suffer depression and desparate thoughts due to weight. Anyone who says they don't either has never been overweight or is lying.]

But, right now, I guess I still have hope. Part of the benefits from MS include a membership to a really nice sports club/gym. I'm still feeling optimistic enough that once I'm in Seattle, I'll get my life 'back' and I'll actually make a concerted effort to go to the gym several times a week. Who knows? Maybe it will happen. Maybe I'll be able to bully and discipline this body of mine into some sort of healthy shape. In the meantime, I guess I'll just sit on these stupid emotions.

Damn... reread this, I sound like a basketcase. I'm not really. But, I guess I am a little broken right now.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Star, Inverted

Thrashing Less

My last post was a purely emotional splat about my internal thrashing over moving to Seattle. I was finally able to articulate part of what my emotional thrashing is all about. I asked Rich, a friend of mine who is a big brother of the heart, "How can I get excited and be happy about moving to Seattle without feeling like I'm betraying the friends I'm going to be leaving behind in less than great circumstances?" Rich started answering me but wanted to think about it more. I'm still thinking about the answer myself. I think it is something I do need to work out internally.

I guess I'm suffering from "white man's guilt" again. It is feeling guilty for being successful in this economy. Somehow, it feels like all of the work I put into my career and education doesn't count. This is a stupid thought. That work got me here today and I shouldn't discount it. Also, I need to remember that I've been at this a bit longer than a lot of the friends I'm leaving behind. They are just starting out. Just because we get along so well doesn't erase the 5 to 10 year difference in our ages. There is a necessary paying of dues that I've already done and I need to let be done by my friends.

There is another thing going on in my head that I think I'm just beginning to understand. I have an incredible amount of rage and anger building up. Or, maybe that's built up. I mean, a full on anger that explodes out of me on everything about my upcoming move. I have been spending many late night drives home screaming, crying and raging to music in my car. Almost uncontrollably. It has been really frightening for me because I haven't known how to deal with what I was feeling. I haven't been able to understand the anger. Sadness and fear, yes. But, rage? No.

What made me realize what was happening was a particular explosion of rage driving home one night that ended up with me questioning the existence of God. At first, I didn't realize that was where the anger had driven itself. Once I did, things started making a whole lot more sense. I grew up a military brat. One particular move, I privately questioned the existence of God at making me lose my home and friends over and over. I moved, on average, every three years for the first 22 years of my life:

Up until California the first time, I never had a choice in the matter. The military and my father's career dictated where we lived. At each move, I had to uproot myself with a pasted-on smile, agreeing with my family that the move was good. That I could reinvent myself. Each move, I burned the bridge of who I was to become someone new. Each move, I went through a private mourning at what I was leaving behind because we couldn't express how upset we were at moving because it wouldn't do any good.

Now, this move is MY choice and my choice alone. I guess, the inner kid in me, who was never allowed to rail at being forced to move, is expressing herself at full volume. I've never been able to express that anger, that fear of being alone again, that hate of having to start over again... and again... and again... Now that I can, I am beginning to understand these runaway emotions of mine. I think (hope) I'll be better able to deal with them in the future. I don't really want to stop them. I want to get it all out of my system.

I need to get it out of my system because it is screwing with the way I view my job and my relationships with my friends. I had a near fight with one friend - whom I NEVER fight with - over word symantics. I've now taken two days of sick leave because I couldn't get myself up in the morning. I'm annoyed with myself over this. Yes, I need to let this stuff work over and through me. But, at the same time, I've got to stop letting it muck with my life. I'm tired of being overly emotional and feeling out of control.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Cups

Abstract Thoughts

I had a really good time at Phoebe's fondue focus group last night. It was interesting meeting two strangers to have an intellectual conversation with over the concept of "actual self" and "true self." [Though, I think this terminology is better said as Externally perceived Self and Internally perceived self.] Also, one of the participants, Matt, came up with a really interesting thought that individual molecules might have a type of individual sentience. While I don't necessarily agree with that idea (yet), I can see where the thought could and would come from.

I'm still struggling over the idea that my personality is more than just a series of reactions based on the outside stimulus of other people and things. We are more than the sum our parts. We are more than just chemical reactions. I am thinking that that unquantifiable "something" that I am striving to express is the idea of the soul and how it affects who we are.

I believe I have a core self. An inner person who I always am - no matter the circumstance. Then, on top of that core self, I have masks and filters that fit for the appropriate event. I have a 'work' filter, a 'gaming' filter, an 'alone with my lover' filter and many others... but, through it all, there is the core of ME. I am. I exist. I would exist without interactions with others. This person that is ME, that I may not show to everyone, makes up my basic personality.

Of course, Phoebe then asked, "What is personality?" I am still struggling to define what I mean by personality and how it relates to who I am.

Much intellectual thought in the last day. It feels good to stretch my brain in this manner.

On the way to work, I saw the following bumper sticker:

I'm curious at the idea of the separate "Catholic & Pro-Choice" commerically made bumper sticker and what my Catholic friends think of it. Also, I'm curious at the assertion that you "can't be both."

Continuing in train of intellectual thought, Yony and I had a really fascinating conversation at dinner which cumulated in the set of questions: If everything is connected to the Divine, do we affect the Divine? If no, what is the purpose of being connected with the Divine? If yes, what does that say about the Divine? This final set of questions stemmed from the discussion of such questions as How can you tell if a person has a soul? With or without a soul, is there a purpose to existence? and Do beings within a 'perfect' simulation have souls or not and how can you tell?

I tell ya, I really enjoyed this brain stretching conversation but I don't think I want to do it on too regular of a basis. My head hurts and I have enough to really think about to last me a while. I'm not use to cordially discussing and debating things I believe based on faith alone. It is much harder when you don't have empirical evidence to prove your point. (Though, I'm still internally debating the idea of whether or not having a creative idea, one not normally found in nature, is proof of us being more than just a set of reactions to response stimulus and more than the 'sum of our parts'... thus, proving the existence of the idea of a soul.)

Amusingly enough, after dinner, while cuddling on the couch, Sir Marmalade seemed to get jealous of Yony's attention and, for the first time, crawled into my lap, then sat on my chest, doing the (painful) "I love you" kneading thing on my bare skin. When he finally got off me, I was covered in orange fur.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Wands

The Random Encounter

I've decided that when I finally win the lottery or inherit millions from an unknown, distant relative, I am going to open a tavern complex called the Random Encounter. Oh, yes. I can see it now. It is going to have the following rooms: The main tavern room, the cyber café, the library, several gaming rooms and a large LARP room. Yes, it is going to be a gamer's paradise.

The Main Tavern room will be done in the style of the quintessential AD&D tavern. There will be a central pit fireplace, many tables, benches and gothic style decorations. The lighting level will always be kept to the dawn/dusk/twilight ambiance. The food and drink will be cheap, somewhat coarse or bland and filling. Of course, there will be much more expensive items on the menu for those of a refined palette. All of the servers will be in wench and tavern garb. Good people just trying to make an honest living. Occasionally, there will be bardic performances - songs, stories, juggling and the like.

The cyber café, Snug Harbor, will be a room off of the main tavern with its own exit to the outside world. Yes, you may have drinks and some food in the cyber café. I figure, there will be several strategically placed vending machines with sodas and junk food. Maybe one or two would be refrigerated with pre-made sandwiches. Also, there would be a small coffee/mocha/hot chocolate bar with a limited selection of good caffeine beverages. There would be computers to use and a wireless internet with a modest monthly subscription rate.

The library would be decorated in a heavy Victorian style with large comfy furniture of velvet and dark furniture. It would be styled to look like the lounge or library of a Gentlemen's Club. The walls would be lined with bookshelves. The books would range from pretty much every known RPG book to some classics to whatever the patrons would bring in for donation. There would be a "Librarian" on duty at all times, who would be dressed in Victorian clothing, to assist with any questions the patrons might have on location of books, history, obscure quotes, etc. Once an hour or so, they would also fetch drinks for the patrons from the bar.

The gaming rooms would be large, comfy rooms with four tables to fit 5 to 8 gamers to play RPG games. The rooms would be named things like "Narnia", "Avalon" and "Valdemar." There would be a reservation system for game tables on various nights. Most likely, there would be vending machines in these rooms as well as a tavern wench to come through at regular interview to get food orders.

Finally, there would be one large LARP room that could be configured in various ways by means of separating panels. It would be rented out to appropriate groups for whatever LARP they wanted to run. They would be allowed to bring decorations and/or for a fee, the Random Encounter could decorate, staff, provide music and/or cannon fodder for the eating for the game. The LARP room would be separate from the rest of the Random Encounter complex with its own exit to an outside courtyard that would be a bit isolated from the public eye. Of course, it could also be rented out for big parties, celebrations, weddings and the like.

Ideally, since I'm dreaming big, the Random Encounter would be open and staffed 24/7. If I could, the outside décor would be a castle or a large manor house. Of course, the whole bloody thing would be secured with video cameras and wandering monsters. Oh, yes... it would be located in a conveniently open but strategic area probably somewhere near the U-district in Seattle. This would become the default playground, study site when people wanted to get away from home, work or school.

You know, I wish I had a place like the Random Encounter to go to now.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Wands, Inverted

Ethical Thoughts

Recently, I ended up in a conversation over Ethics that I did not expect. A friend of mine is in trade school, learning how to fix brakes on cars. He was talking about a guy at his school who has all of the homework and quiz test answers and sells them to supplement his income. In general, this sort of thing makes me unhappy. I don't cheat on tests. I do the work. I earn the grade. I expect others to do the same.

However, I did not realize it, but I had gotten coldly angry. Not at my friend but at the situation. I wanted him to stop this other person immediately. How could he know of this fraud and continue to allow it to happen? Basically, people were talking about how bad this was with my friend and he maintained the general attitude that what this other person wasn't hurting anything and those who bought the answers only hurt themselves.

Suddenly, I burst out something along the lines of, "Sure, they aren't hurting anyone until they work on my brakes, fuck it up because they cheated their way through school and I die in a car accident because my braces failed." I felt bad at the stricken look on my friend's face but I wasn't going to back down. It was clear that he had not really considered that angle. He made a joke about how he was the one who was going to fix his friends' brakes. But, I persisted. "What about those strangers you don't know? What about their cars?" I went so far as to state that, in a way, he could be an accessory to the death of people by knowing about this fraud and doing nothing about it.

Once I saw that I was getting through to him about the seriousness of this, I backed down and softened a little. There is a karmic balance that I truly believe happens. What he was allowing was wrong. I found myself telling him and the group a little bit of an experience I had that personally colored my point of view in this particular matter. While I was recounting it, I realized that that was why I was so angry.

Simply put, I had had my brakes worked on at a Grand Auto about 7-8 years ago. Shortly after that, I was driving on the freeway with my best friend. We had decided to go shopping I think. I took at off ramp and hit my brakes. Nothing happened except for the pedal going to the floor. I can still taste the fear in my mouth and feel the dropping of my stomach as I realized that my brakes were not working and I was headed into town down traffic.

There was nowhere for me to go. Cars on the right of me. A drop off to the left of me. A red stoplight coming up really fast in front of me. I hit my brakes a couple more times and, suddenly, something caught. They started working again and I didn't get into the accident I came so close to getting into. I didn't kill myself, my best friend or some poor stranger who had the bad luck of being in front of me at that moment in time. I didn't... but because of my failing brakes... I could have.

That is why I was so affected by this. That is why I was so adamant that he needed to do something about. Granted, after a bit more information, a direct confrontation would not have been the best approach. But, I think, in the end, he agreed to send some sort of anonymous tip to the school about someone selling the answers to the homework and tests. I hope so. I shudder to think about the possible car accidents that could be a direct response of this fraud in the years to come.

I don't know what it is with our society these days that this sort of cheating is looked down upon but tolerated. I don't think my parents were old fashioned in their instruction of right and wrong. I don't think they were fanatical about it. But, the more I look around, I wonder what the heck is going on with society. This whole thing worries me. Why is it so hard for children to respect their parents as sources of authority? Why is it so easy to accept when someone is clearly doing something unethical? What can I, one person who seems to be in a minority, do about it?

I've started making my wish list for my new condo in Seattle. I've decided to make a "Minimum List" - if it doesn't have everything on it, no dice and a "Comprehesive List" of everything I really want - from the sublime to the outrageous.

Minimum: Feel safe in the neighborhood, 1000 sq ft, cats, washer/dryer, cable and internet ready

Comprehensive: Feel safe in the neighborhood, 1000+ sq ft, cats, washer/dryer, cable/TiVo and internet ready, gas dryer/stove, good parking for friends, top floor, excellent view, 2+ rooms, balcony, garage and open kitchen to living/dining room

If you can think of anything you believe I should have and haven't thought of yet, let me know. These are living lists and subject to change on my whim.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Lovers, Inverted