April 2001

Vaporized the Kindergarten?

Johanna: How was Sekt Valir?

Jennifer: It was good. We convinced the Gods not to sink the Island, watched Amin retake his place as the All-Father God and Eris made it back in time for her surprisingly anti-climatic wedding.

Johanna: well, I mean, after convincing a bunch of gods not to rearrange to local geography...it would take some wedding to upstage that... ;)

Jennifer: Well, Eris, Countess of Bayberry, half fey princess of the Bright Winter fey court did marry Amin's great great grandson, the Sultan of Al Hiyali. The Caliph, Amin's Great grandson walked her down the isle.

Johanna: That must make Eris' family happy...nothing like marrying into a family of gods... ;)

Jennifer: Eris' family is all dead, except for her father who returns to earth once every five years or so.

Johanna: ahhh, my mistake.

Jennifer: :) You know, I didn't realize just how screwy that wedding was until I just summarized it for you.

Johanna: *grin*

Jennifer: I wonder what their children will be like.

Johanna: Ruling the planet by their fifth birthday, no doubt. ;)

Jennifer: *LOL* Maybe. "No son, you can't erase the color orange from the world because you think it's a geeky color."

Johanna: *grin* "What do you mean, you vaporized the kindergarten?"

You and your band of adventurers have been contacted by a lovely young lady who is in dire need of help. You see, her father, both a noble and a senator, has gone missing. Even the Imperium is worried for her father's safety, offering Cr1,000,000 for his return. Only, your young lady friend has discovered that it is the Imperium who has imprisoned her father for reasons unknown. She offers you and your friends Cr1,000,000 from her own personal account to rescue him from the orbital prison hulk at Pixie (0303). With a damsel in distress and Cr1,000,000 as a reward, how could you, or anyone else for that matter, say no? - Situation summary from The Kuniur, Adventure #1, page 5

Traveller. The name rings through the hallowed halls of RPG history. It is the science fiction far future role-playing game first published by Game Designer's Workshop in 1977. Those who have been gaming for longer that they want to admit, often speak of Traveller in tones usually used for reminiscing about times long past. Sometimes with great affection. Sometimes with great contempt. It merely depends on the gamer in question.

OK. I got my "Traveller: Adventures 1-13, The Classic Adventures. For Referees Only" review for Black Gate done! Finally. 580 words. It was a good review over all. I'm still amazed that it was first published when I was only 7 years old. I've played it a couple of times. Reading over the plotlines have put me in the mood to either read or write or game in a far-future science fiction arena. One that isn't Star Wars. I'm back to thinking on Shaelinador again. Maybe I'll work on it some.

I've finished the second Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Once again, it was light, fun read. While it is fluffy, it is also surprisingly unpredictable. Oh, some things are expected, but once again, I did not expect the twists in the plotline. Though, after you know the plotline, you want to slap your head and groan because you 'should have seen that.'

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Cups, Inverted

Ok with Just Me

Bad news: I still have bronchitis

Good news: I've lost another 5 pounds, my heart rate is 64 and my blood pressure is 130/80. So, beyond the extra weight and my knee problems, I'm perfectly healthy.

Kinda ironic, isn't it.

Well, thanks to a reader of mine pointing out that I had origins of Daylight Savings Time and pointing me to a website on why they still have it, it looks like I have to either change my bi-annual rant on the time change to something more generic or... I have to do away with it altogether. You learn something new everyday.

I've been talking to Ice via email lately. He wanted to know how I was doing and such. You know, the usual - work, dating, etc... I've been thinking a lot about my response to him on this lately. Part of what I wrote to him included...

"... No, not dating anyone. But, I'm mostly OK with that. I have a good relationship with my vibrator *grin* and a lot of friends that I enjoy spending time with. Though, I'll admit that it felt weird when two guys in my Saturday game started chatting about their babies and comparing stories about how they are trying to stand and such.

I guess it makes me wonder if I'm ever going to actually -commit- to anything. I'm not committed to my house, even though I've lived there for 4 years. I'm not committed to my job, figuring I have another 18 months before I need to look for another one. I've never really committed to anything of a religious nature except that God does exist. Beyond that, I have no clue. I have no person to commit to.

It seems like everything in my life is transitory. I don't know how to settle down and just 'be.' Everything is looking to the future. Someday, I will have... whatever... a house, a lover, a decent bank account, a published novel... "

I'm thinking a lot about my future, wondering if this is how the rest of my life is going to be, and if it is, is that such a bad thing? I don't know. I do know I want to have my own house. My own space. But, it's too expensive here in the Bay Area to either buy a house or even rent an apartment. Where I'm living now is very nice. Don't get me wrong, I like living here but... (there's always a but)... it's not my place. I have to share it with Donna, Donna's occasional guyfriends, Scott, Scott's girlfriend (who practically lives here 1/2 the time) and occasionally Scott's friends. So, it isn't -my- space. I have to share.

If you live and work in Silicon Valley, you know that no job is permanent. That is just a fact of life. Either your company will be bought out, will buy someone else out, will go through yet another re-org and eventually, something will happen to make you want to, or force you to, leave. The fact that I have been in one job for almost 1.5 years is stunning in today's market. It shows two things - I have longevity/loyalty and my company is doing very well.

The dating situation is weird. It seems that most of my friends are in couples, married or not, some having kids. Yet, we all still have the same hobbies. The problem with this is - I like my friends, want to hang out with them and all of them are coupled. If I want to look for date-able material, I'm going to have to branch out in new directions to look for someone. It seems like too much work to me for something that's probably going to end up with my heart being stomped on repeatedly. So, I sit back, relax and enjoy my friends as is. I can deal with not dating someone. My only fear is that I'm going to end up being the crazy cat lady who lives down the road.

Ice wrote me back on this topic and basically told me if I was happy, not to worry about it. He's watched too many people "commit so something out of fear. Fear of missing out. Fear of getting old. Fear of the unknown." It causes people to commit to things that they don't like or don't want - houses, jobs, people, religions. All out of fear of not committing, of not having boundaries, of not being like everyone else.

Strangely enough, this thought has put my mind at ease somewhat. While I know I don't want to be alone always, I'm pretty OK with being with just me. I am not willing to commit out of fear. I want to commit out of desire and want. Until then, I will happily curl up with a good book, play with my friends online and hang out with my friends in the hobbies that we like to do. I think the saying goes: Better to be alone and wish you weren't than to not be alone and wish you were.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords

SURPRISE!

Yesterday, I threw a surprise Birthday party for James. Happily, it was a resounding success despite the goofs and gaffs on the part of the conspirators. We all chipped in and bought him a new computer. Man, the look on James' face when we opened the door and he saw everything was worth it all. First bland interest, thinking my room mate was having a party the same night as my dinner. Then, confusion as his brain recognized people, then utter shock as everyone shouted "Surprise!" and "Happy Birthday!"

He had -no- clue that we've been planning this for almost four weeks now. None.

However, it was not without bumps in the road. First, the -day after- I ordered the computer, Peg, Laurel's mom, gave them a new computer. I panicked. Then, after talking to Laurel and discovering that her computer was dying, we decided to go ahead with it. I'm not sure what I would have done instead. Maybe a new TV with a VCR/DVD player. Then, on Friday, I mention my dinner to James to remind him and his response was "Oh! Is that tomorrow?? Damn, I've triple booked myself!" I got very petulant with James until I secured a promise that he was going to make it to my dinner. Finally, while out on Friday, James stopped and was seriously considering buying a printer. I had to do some fast talking (while NOT mentioning his birthday) to get him to not buy it.

This doesn't cover the fact that both Rob and I almost blew the surprise on the gift after he got to the party. However, it never occurred to James that we WOULD get him a computer. So, we didn't blow it and he was very surprised.

I made my famous homemade chicken and dumplings. The one pot barely fed everyone. I was a little bummed at that. I'm used to cooking it in a 6 quart pot, instead of a 4 quart pot. It was hot, good and everyone was happy.

We spent the rest of the evening razzing James, cause we LUV him and playing Act One. Four teams of three. This time, it was a fist fight to the end. Everyone was within 2-3 points of each other. However, in the end, it was my team of me, Kristine and Lisa, who won. *hehehehe*

I have to thank Lisa for being my emergency gal. I was so sure I had gotten everything, but I ended up calling her three times for her to bring things... first, balloons then vanilla ice cream for the peach cobbler and finally a ladle for the chicken and dumplings. You know, I'm wondering if I left my 6 quart pot at Lisa's house the last time I made chicken and dumplings. Ah, well. No matter. It was a great day. I really feel like I accomplished something and I helped make James' birthday a memorable one.

Interesting dream on the 5th. The Snake God - What apparently was once a teacher's experiment gone horribly wrong is now the conquering God of the world. Much to my dismay, he wants me to carry his child.

The main bad guy here, beyond the Snake monster/demon/God is Judson Scott. He is an actor I first saw in the very earlier 80's in a very short lived TV show called "The Phoenix." I was so in love with his character, Bennu. Also, with the actor. I would always notice when I saw him in other things: The Wrath of Khan, V: the Series, Babylon 5 and, most recently, the X-Files.

Strangely, up until X-Files, I had always seen him as a good or neutral guy. However, in X-Files, I'm not sure if he's supposed to be playing a good bad guy or an insane good guy or what. No matter what, watching him with Agent Doggett put him in a whole new and interesting light for me. I suppose, that's why he showed up in my dream like he did.

Also, Speaking of dreams, apparently Rich had a rather odd dream about me on Wednesday night. It was him, Greg, Matt and Johanna sitting around his living room, discussing how I had changed. My personality was different. The four of them came to the 'logical' conclusion, it was because Dave had possessed me. All of them were really pissed about this and decided that Rich had to do something about it.

So, Rich went to write me an email but suddenly, I was in his den with him. The two of us talked a little bit, small talk while Rich maneuvered himself to be next to the door. Suddenly, Rich asked me if he was talking to Dave and I/Dave said "Yes." Rich got really mad, telling me/Dave that he couldn't take over my body. Friends didn't do that sort of thing. Then I/Dave tried to explain it to Rich. Something about Dave was dying and I/Jenn gave him my body. Rich woke up as he and I/Dave argued over this.

The NVU college game on Thursday nights is finally finished. We've been playing this one game almost weekly for two years. While I had a good time, I really glad it's done. I had no more creative energy for it. However, both Greg and Rich ended the game well. Unfortunately, I missed most of Greg's end plotline due to being ill.

Rich specifically wanted the game to end on a definite, positive but final note. So, he had the campus half destroyed. Well, ok, attacked by black spirals and House Balor, then the Defiler Wyrm. The supernatural dorm was destroyed by a LAW rocket and the Fae Duchess was captured by House Balor... headed one of Talena's main enemies. Unfortunately, with four hundred Fae warriors vs. six PCs, we had to drop back and regroup.

Regroup we did. We ended up calling in groups from other games we've played - some really heavy hitters. You see, it wasn't just the four hundred Fae warriors that was problem, it was also the coming of the Defiler Wyrm that Talena accidentally completed the ritual for, back about 18 months (game time) ago. So, in the end, we squished House Balor, then used the three places of power: the Caern, the Node and the Balefire, together to destroy the Defiler Wyrm.

In the epilogue, Brianna was the head of Hellicar, she opened it to her new cabal, including Talena. Each of us was knighted by King David. Each of us was given a griffin's egg. Dorien was made a member of the Red Branch - the werewolves who are the honor guard for King David. Lissette went on to become a successful gothic rock star. I think Joshua also became a member of the Red Branch. Oh, and we all got all A's for the semester.

In the end, we decided to wait a year for the school to be rebuilt so we could finish out our Junior and Senior years at NVU and get our mundane degrees. We didn't want to break up the study group. In the meantime, Talena will have her base of operations in Hellicar or at Lisette's Freehold, while she travels throughout the Fae kingdoms to bestow her 'gift' (the pathway through Winter) on a lucky few. I'm sure she ends up helping out some Bedlam or Undone fae along the way, too.

So, as Rich wanted, it ended on a good but definitely final note.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords, Inverted

Schizophrenic Weather

This week has been pretty dull for the most part - except for the weather. With the sunspots and solar flares, the weather has been positively schizophrenic. Last week, it was bright and sunny until Friday. Then, it rained like there was no tomorrow, all weekend. As soon as Monday hit, it was sunny. Tuesday, it couldn't make up its mind going from very cold and rainy to fairly hot and sunny and back again. Often in the space of minutes.

Then, Wednesday morning, there was a very thick cloud cover in the morning but everything was impossibly sharp and clear. It was like things were too real. There was an anticipation in the air. Later, it was raining and lightening - which is rare. Thursday, we're back to very cold in the morning and heating up in the afternoon.

I like variety in my weather but this is a little ridiculous.

[2002.09.13 - Edited due to personal reasons.]

I seem to be getting back into the swing of things writing wise. Yesterday, I finished a story called "The Warrior's Call" for Edanya, based on my friend Dave's wonderful poem by the same name. It was about 1400 words long.

I'm reading the third Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkabaar. Amazingly enough, the stories keep getting better and better. As well as the books getting longer and longer. The first two books were about 200 pages each. The third is 400+ pages. I've seen that the fourth book is 700+ pages. Not that I mind. Really. A good story is hard to find and I like to savor them as I read them.

However, one of the other changes I've also noticed is that the Harry Potter books are getting darker. The dangers that Harry and his friends are put in is getting more and more intense. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing that the characters are only thirteen. I swear, the Dementors in this third book are enough to make me sit up and take notice. I don't know what happens in the fourth book, but Rich says that it is even darker. It's amazing how dark some of the stories are, while maintaining a light fluffy feel while you read them.

Ok. I was wrong about one thing. Something exciting did happen to me this week. I got my tax returns from both the State and Federal governments! *whoo-hoo* Now, I really can plan my vacation! I think I'm going to take from Friday, May 26th until Sunday, June 8th off and return to work on June 11th. Man, that sounds so nice.... and I'm not going anywhere or doing anything! No schedules. No plans. No nothing. I'm going to sleep, read, maybe work on the house and hopefully, Cherney will be able to visit me during that time for a few days.

Thursday night, we made characters for the Happy Valley game. Based on the Harry Potter books, we are living in a world of muggles, magic and the supernatural. All characters are teenagers between 13 and 14 years old. I will be playing Verdonna Jarevar, the only Pureblood wizard in the group. I'm a preppy cheerleader whose Aunt happens to be the head wizard at this very special high school, Blavatsky High. Below is Rich's opening blurb about the game universe.

"...Happy Valley, California, is an odd kind of town. To have such a good, small town feel in a town of over one hundred thousand people is odd. To have a section of the city that is viewed as an entirely different place is odd. And the fact that so many weird things happen that most people don’t even recall the very next day. Happy Valley has had snakes coming out of their waterworks, demons gallivanting through the streets, and a rather horrible Halloween night which featured zombies rising from the grave and devouring people.

And most the population has no memory of it.

See, Happy Valley is unique in that it sits on a magical nexus point. The whole town attracts weirdness. But, unlike other locations with this problem, Happy Valley was founded by Muggles - normal people. This happened in 1902. The wizards and such didn’t get here until 1927, and for some reason, displacing the muggles didn’t work. Something wanted them there.

In 1938, the others started to move in - the Vampires, the Lycanthropes, the Ghasts. Shortly after that, the incidence of psychic phenomena and other supernatural powers among the muggles also increased.

Now the town sits on a dangerous precipice. About 15% of the town is somehow supernatural. Most of this activity confines itself to Shady Hill, a district on the wrong side of the tracks which hasn’t quite developed normally. But sometimes, due to malicious wizards, sloppy vampires, or such, it bleeds over into Happy Valley itself.

And that’s where the Action Clubs come in. There are a half-dozen such clubs in Blavatsky High, groups of supernatural students who work to protect the muggles and the helpless against the threats and knowledge of the supernatural world. The most notorious - the New Moon Chasers - have helped pave the way for cooperation between those rare supernaturals who choose to live outside of Shady Hill.

Can your club be as cool as theirs?..."

We have seven player characters in the game: 1 Pureblood wizard (me), 3 Mudblood wizards (Ben, Shauna, Cil), 1 Dhamphir (Rich), 1 Ghast (GregM) and 1 Half-Goblin (GregE). Of these characters, 4 are in House Gryffindor, 2 are in House Ravensclaw and 1 is in House Slytherin. Next week, we are going to go through Preludes for the characters and figure out why they all decided to join an Action Club and what brought these particular characters together.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Swords

*Mutter*

This weekend was an extremely eventful one. Clusterf*ck is a much more appropriate and evocative term, actually. However, the incidents that have occurred are such an incestuous mess that even me and my big mouth can see that the whole story and explanations of it are best left in the private part of my journal. My apologies since I know that some of the aftermath will end up being spoken about here in some fashion or another. I hope future entries won't be too confusing.

Also, I had a minor disagreement with a friend... no. That's not right. There was no discussion of what upset me. I no longer have arguments, or even tense discussions, with this friend simply because I think to do so is akin to repeatedly slamming one's favor head against a very hard brick wall. So, I had my Friday night ruined by this person's arrogant, unbending, unforgiving, and seemingly, extremely mean attitude. But, I digress. I have taken steps to attempt to not have this happen in the future.

I'm back into the writing scene again. Honestly, I was going to just sort of 'blow off' my promised feature article for Black Gate magazine since the publication of the second issue seemed to be in an unending delay and this article is for Issue 3. Then, on Saturday, I received an email from my editor, Don. He gave me some good feedback on my Traveller review, unfortunately had to turn down my Dreams of Deirdre review as not global enough and to tell me how much he was looking forward to seeing my feature Castle Marrach review.

Screw.

So, since I couldn't blow it off and everything was due on the 15th, I spent most of Sunday editing my Traveller review (480 words) and writing my Marrach feature (1870 words). Probably not my best work but I read it over a couple of times, left it alone for an hour, came back, made a couple of last minute edits and sent it off, feeling vaguely satisfied that I actually did get it done and on time.

Then, this morning, both Johanna and I got emails from Don telling us not to worry about the deadlines on our articles because both Barnes and Nobles AND Borders have decided to carry Black Gate magazine, BUT both of them want to begin with the FIRST Issue that came out last year. So, not only was that delaying Issue 2 (again), it was obviously delaying Issue 3 (big surprise).

Well, double screw.

Ah, well. This is still good. I got my articles done. Black Gate magazine is about to get a lot more exposure, thus, so I am. Also, Don will have time to toss my Marrach feature back at me with all of his editing concerns.

Though, I guess this goes to prove that I do still work better under a definite deadline. Good thing I'm not trying to make a living at this stuff. I'd be starving.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Swords, Inverted

Kicked in the Teeth. Hard.

Well, Johanna summed up the incestuous mess pretty well. You might as well go read it or the rest of this won't make any sense.

Where am I in all this? I'm the one listening and nodding and watching and occasionally giving advice. Mostly, I'm just being 'here' for The Husband and The Other Man. Both of them are my friends and I'm not willing to abandon either. Though, I'll admit, my heart goes out to The Husband. There's lots of bits of nastiness floating around due to this mess. A lot of truths and half truths being revealed. Some of them make me wince.

However, Johanna wrote something about The Other Man that just really ... well... not annoyed... not upset... it really made me think "Whoa, whoa, whoa... hey, now. That's not right." She said: "...He used to be a friend, but he kinda blew that when he intefered in my marriage and handled the fallout badly..." Now, while The Other Man is not innocent by any stretch of the imagination, it really does take two to tango. If The Other Man interfered in her marriage, it's because she let him. That is my firm opinion.

[Oh, yeah. To the dick who loves to cut and paste bits and pieces of our journals - Johanna and I already had a talk about this before I wrote about it. So take your meddling ways and fuck off.]

Did I mention that I'm also in a particularly aggressive mood as well as massively depressed? I'll get to that in a moment.

Now, back to me and Johanna and my thoughts, etc... She and I had a long talk about this, what she meant and everything. I'm glad, too. I'm not going to go into more of our chat because that's between me and her. I'm just happy that I understand what she said, what I read and what she meant were different and now we are back on the same page.

[2002.09.13 - Edited due to personal reasons.]

I had a small epiphany this morning: I sabotaged myself so I would be kicked out of the Air Force.

It's a really hard thing to admit. I was thinking about it this morning. I am one of the most responsible, organized and decisive people I know. However, back in boot camp, I was whiny, insecure and indecisive. I became that person I hate so much. Instead of taking charge and responsibility when I was supposed to, I didn't. I let others run me over and just whined "Ok, if you're sure." No wonder my Flight Training Officer hated me. It wasn't just the running thing (She was a big runner. I wasn't.). It was the lack of everything (drive, determination, decisiveness) I was showing.

But, the whole time I was there, I was utterly convinced that I was trying my hardest.

I wasn't.

I failed boot camp, not because of the required training I missed, but because I just wasn't up to the Air Force standards. My only break was officially being kicked out due to the predisposition to asthma. So, instead of me quitting, I was kicked out. An honorable discharge.

It's taken me 10 years to realize and admit this to myself. I never wanted to be in the military. I excel at everything I put my mind to. In this, I made it so I would fail. It is not anyone's fault but mine. I remember, though, being discharged and so very upset. That was like a kick in the teeth. I had lost my life. I fought to keep things the 'way they were' for one semester before I admitted defeat and came home. I finally accepted that change and my life has been better for it ever since.

Still, it doesn't make the confession any easier.

Oh, cool. I just got my first Dreamlines... Realities Within notification request. It's not a notification list like my Abstract Thoughts list - yet. It's just a list of email addresses for me to send word to when I update my dream journal - which is much, much rarer than this journal. Maybe once or twice a month. If that much. I suppose if I get five or more people who want to be on the list, I'll go ahead and recreate a listserv for it.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords

Another Confession

As long as I'm on a confession kick, I might as will blurt out this one. One of my dearest wishes is that I had ESP. Telepathy, Telekinesis and/or Teleportation. I have dreamt of having such a power ever since I was a little girl.... the 'lost child*' who lived in the worlds inside her books and her head. The harder confession is: some days, I think I do have an ESP of sorts. Truth telling, empathy and a low level precognition.

I have always been very empathic, lending myself to becoming the Listener and Understander of my friends. Generally able to empathize with them and offer as much as advice or shoulder as wanted. However, this has its drawbacks. I really have a hard time being in crowded areas for long periods of time. The only way I could explain to someone is that there were too many egos beating on me. That's the only way I know how to state it in words.

Also, apparently, I have a bad habit of projecting my emotions into a room or situation. I remember one night, I was at a party. I was lying on the floor, talking to someone. I was in a really happy mood after a long stressful bout. Suddenly, I heard one of my friends, Sara, say "Oh! Oh, good! Jenn's in a happy mood. It feels great in here." I looked around, she couldn't see me and I couldn't see her. I sat up and saw her on the other side of the couch and asked her what she meant. She told me that I was a very easy person to feel. That my emotions fill a room a lot of time.

Not very often, but often enough, I have precognitive dreams of earthquakes and floods. Most of the time, the dreamt of disaster occurs within a week. Not an unusual thing, really. A lot of people dream of earthquakes before they happen. I think it might be a throw back to some racial memory or instinct.

It was in college that I really got into new age-ism and exploring the whole ESP thing. Actually, I have always been able to convince people that I have some sort of power. Whether it be via my Tarot Cards which can have some very scary accurate readings or by touch. One of the things I did in college and I'm still mildly ashamed.... no... ashamed is too strong of a word.... mildly bemused at my self for... is convincing one girl of my power. I didn't see her very often but whenever I did... maybe once a semester, she would hold out her hand and say "Do your thing, oh, please!" I would oblige her by holding her hand, pausing for a moment, then I would start telling her things about her life.

Granted, most of the time, I was fairly generic but not always. I remember, one time.... I held her hand, looked at her and said "You've lost something very important but don't worry, it's under your bed. Just look there." The next day, she came to find me to specifically thank me. You see, she had lost something - her take home final and she had been frantically looking for it for a couple days. Right after she left me, she went to her dorm room, looked under her bed and found her final.

A lot of little strange things happened to me while I was at college. University of Portland has been around since 1901. Part of it had been built on an Indian burial ground. There were legends of ghosts of Indians and legends of dead students. The usual. One night, as I was walking from my dorm to the admin building, I got a creepy feeling. I muttered something about "If you're a ghost, prove to me that you're there." As I walked by each of the stadium lights that lit the quad, they went out. One by one. Not in a regular interval, either. I tell you, I was seriously creeped out by the end of it. I remember saying, "Ok, I believe you just leave the lights on." No, the lights didn't turn back on then. But they stayed on as I went home.

I remember doing a "Tree of Life" Taror reading for me once. You're only supposed to do them once a year. The only thing I remember of that reading is that the High Priestess card popped up in the position that represented me. I have felt a kinship to that particular taror card ever since.

I knew something was up as both Eric and James had a reaction as they walked by him. But, I didn't expect what I felt. I walked within about 2-3 feet of him and suddenly it walk like walking through heavy humidity. Not hot or wet... just... thick. I remember being surprised, then suddenly getting very annoyed at this man. I turned around to chide him for extending his aura so far. That he was being rude. But, both James and Eric grabbed me and told me not to. I was indignant. "You felt it." They agreed but said it wasn't the thing to do right now.

I have to laugh as I write these words. Just rereading it makes me sound so silly - whether it actually happened to me or not. And it did. The other thing is that I cannot get the image of this man, who I saw for no more than 60 seconds, out of my head. It's been 10 years now. He was about 6'2" with long feathery black hair that went a little past his shoulders. He was wearing whitish sneakers, blue jeans and a olive trench coat that was closed. His hands were in his pockets. He wore wrap-around mirrored shades that had brown rims. He did not do anything. At all. He was just standing there, in the middle of the Saturday Market, doing nothing. He did not smile or talk. He did not turn his head, even when I turned to go back to him. He had a nice profile. A handsome man, I would say.

I dream about him sometimes. He never says a word. Most of the time, he is like a living statue, just watching. Sometimes, he walks towards me in slow motion. That's it. I will probably take his image with me to my grave.

Along with all the strange stuff in college and occasionally that happens now... I have always had what I call my "truth sense." I have a particular feeling when someone tells me a great truth or a great lie. It's like all the hair on the back of my neck stands up and I just 'know' if it is true or not. It's my spidey sense. The thing is, I don't know when to believe it. Too often, I find out after the fact that I should have followed my instincts.

But, you know what's the saddest thing about all this? Even with the dreams and feelings and unusual happenings... even though I would give my eye teeth to have some sort of power... I still can't be sure that I have anything like ESP. I'm just not sure. It's too vague. It's not -empirical- enough for me to just know that I have it (whatever it is) or don't. I think, that's what frustrates me the most.

*The middle child in a family is often referred to as the 'lost' child by psychologists since the first child is usually the over achiever of the family and the third child is often the baby or the black sheep of the family, thus giving more attention to the first and third children and leaving the middle child on their own a lot more.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords, Inverted

Early Mornings & Suicidal Squirrels

Oy. Early mornings and suicidal squirrels suck. I got up and moving earlier than normal this morning because I wanted to make a good impression on my boss. We are having focus reviews over the next month. So, I though I should give him something good to think about when he thinks of me. I know I'm trying to stack the deck. Don't care either. I want a good review.

The drive in was almost uneventful... almost. There was a very small squirrel who decided to dart across four lanes of busy Ellis street. He was very obviously young and scared stupid. Stupid enough to freeze in the middle of the road in front of me. I saw him and braked a lot until he got his wits and made it to the other side. I'm sure the cars behind me weren't very happy with me. However, it would have ruined my day for me to have hit that little squirrel.

Wow. Do I feel vapid and vain or what? I'm confessing things like wanting to have ESP while Johanna's struggling with citizenship and having babies. I swear, I'm 30 going on 20. Everyone around me is thinking about, and working on, all these 'grown up' decisions... like having children, raising children, buying a house, planning to buy a house so they have can have children... Where my big decisions are, how much money to invest this month and should I clean up my room?

There are times when I feel I just can't relate. I'm the perpetual 20 year old who doesn't know when to 'grow up' and to 'grown up' things. There are days when I feel like I'm being left behind. There are days when I'm shocked to find that I am 30 years old. I don't look or feel it. I think like someone who is just out of college.... even though that was almost a decade ago.

I know some people think I'm very lucky and this is great. I am enjoying life. I'm doing what I want to do. My sister is married and has had children. My brother's in love again (finally). My parents don't expect me to have kids but would like to see me married.

You know what this feels like? An odd grasshopper and the ant tale. Only, I'm a self sufficient grasshopper. But, I still can't relate to the ant who has all these commitments and things he has to do because his family is depending on him. I have no commitments and no one depending on me at all. In a way, it is a very good feeling. In a way, it makes me kind of sad. Is this silly or what? I'm in an awesome point in my life and I'm wondering if something is wrong with me because I'm not having the same heavy decisions or problems as my friends. Maybe I just worry too much.

I'm in love... It's the new PT Cruiser. I love it. Rob jokingly calls it the "midget hearse." This is one of the neatest cars I've seen in a long time. It has all of the cool things that the Bug has plus all of the cool things that the Bug doesn't have. I like the unique look, the four doors and I love the cranberry color!

I know I shouldn't by a new car right now. Fortunately for me, the dealers are doing a lot to dissuade me, too. The base price is between $14K-16K. However, with the quotes I've asked for online, not only am I being told that the car is sold out, it's going for $25K. *OW* $16K, even up to $18K, I would consider. $25K? No. Sorry. I don't like the car -that- much. The other thing going against it is that this is the first model year and I've read that you shouldn't buy a car in its first model year because the makers don't have all of the kinks out of the design yet.

Still. I want one. I really do. It's very rare that I actually get excited about a car. Cars are transportation to get you from point A to point B. But, I've had Dante for about 4 1/2 years now, he's a 1991 model with 160,000 miles on him and he's starting to go downhill. I would like to get a new car within the next couple of years and this is the first car to really catch my fancy.

Speaking of fancy and commuting and my previous little confession... I was daydreaming about one of my favorite commute fancies this morning. You see, I have this silly little fantasy of me going to work for a private company researching ESP technology. However, there are some very specific things to this fantasy.

First, it's somewhere in Fremont so I have almost no commute. (Oh, yeah. Fremont is just THE hotbed of ESP technology research.) It's a large, expensive, nice, closed campus that is semi-isolated.

Second, while I'm required to be there on site between 8am and 6pm, there isn't that much work. So, I get time to work out, play online, write and even game with my co-workers. Though, when there is work, we do work hard. I devised a number of QA tests in my head for such technology. (I am such a geek. Even in my fantasies, I have to be responsible.)

Third, the company is actually one of the Traditions or the Technocracy. I flip back and forth between the two. Currently, I'm thinking Traditions because of the creativity involved. Nevertheless, there is an opposing group that easily leads into some rather fantastical and amusing spy/chase/kidnap/escape adventures that sometimes involve just me, sometimes my mythical co-workers and sometimes my friends.

It's a favor fantasy of mine. One that I think would be super-keen to come true. But, as with all fantasies, they are better left in the head where the dreamer can control them. Still, it is fun to dream.

I just realized, in one month, I'm going to be on vacation! YEAH!!

Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Swords

Just Plain Silly

While the past few days have been long and tiring, they have also been a lot on the silly side. Friday, the Engineering department had a small offsite to Cuesta park for a picnic as a way of rewarding us for finally shipping Dot 3.0 of our product. Most the engineers who had been around in September wore their 'uniform' - an extremely bright tie-dye t-shirt. Including me... which was quite the shock for those people who had been used to me wearing almost nothing beyond blue and black with the occasional white.

Then, albeit reluctantly, we returned to work for the company meeting that was pretty fun. QA had their own bit of silliness with our VP of Product Development, Gary, who had been bugging QA for the better part of a week, asking if he could say "Ship it!" yet. Since he could, we decided to make it a little interesting. We made him a slide to read that said (basically) "Ship it!" ... in Russian. You see, most of the QA department is Russian. Three of us are Americans. Seven of us are Russian.

Well, I watched him as Mike told the story of Gary bugging us and told Gary, "Now, you can say it" then flipped on the slide. Gary had drawn a breathe to shout "SHIP IT!" then realized... that wasn't what the slide said. He got up and tried to read it, tilted his head, then ran back to one of my co-workers to get the pronunciation, then shouted that.

Small, but amusing.

Speaking of small and amusing... I was desperately casting about for a subject for this month's poem as we neared the end of it. Then, Johanna, bless her, sent me an amusing email that resulted in the following, extremely silly, poem.

!! (AKA Bang, Bang)
!!/!!/
`~,,-
$$'$$'
{%<>CR
""#""#
^^=[]asjkl;dg

In English, it is:
Bang bang slash, bang bang slash
Back-tick tilde, comma comma dash
Dollar dollar tick, dollar dollar tick
Curly-bracket percent, waka waka click
Quote quote hash, quote quote hash
Caret caret equal, bracket bracket MASH

On the creative writing front, I have finally performed and posted the two stories I wrote at the beginning of the month. These stories were told by my Marrach character, Edanya, as part of her twice monthly Storytelling hour. I figure what I'm going to do soon - maybe over the next month - is turn the logs into more conventional short stories, ranging between 1000-1500 words each, and post them either on my Alter Egos page or my Crunchy Bits page.

I have three stories so far. Two original stories from my "Hucked Tankard" series (with many more on the way) and one from Marrach. The story is mine, the idea behind it is from Skotos.

• Hucked Tankard Series - The First Huck
• Hucked Tankard Series - The Warrior's Call
• Tales of Castle Marrach Series - The Story of Queen Vivienne and Sir Boreas

Rounding out the silliness for this week, yesterday was my monthly Sekt Valir game where the game revolved around dealing with Eris' heritage of being a Faery Princess of the Winter Court. It involved a lot of Faery dust, rat-sized elephants with butterfly wings called flutterphants that infested Eris' manor house thanks to a couple of pixies, Eris' father - the Winter King, one of the PC's children being stolen by the Queen of Night and our effort of going into the Realms of the Faery - first Winter, then Night - to get the child back.

We laughed and groaned a lot. It was a really good game.

Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Swords, Inverted