April 2000

Sleepy

*oy* I was sleepy all day yesterday - to the point of almost falling asleep at my desk. Not a good thing when the boss' cube is across from yours. I don't know what it is. I woke up with a mildly sore throat but that mostly went away by 1pm.

I tried caffinee. No dice. I tried sugar. Nope. The only thing that mildly kept me away was fantasizing about winning some incredibly large lottery and trying to figure out what to do with the money. It wasn't the money fantasy that really kept me awake. It was the fact that it's such an easy thing to fantasize about. No effort at all. Which was good because I had no effort to give.

When I got home, I decided to take a nap and... well... I didn't get up again until today. *grin* I feel great. No sore throat or anything. I guess I just needed the sleep.

So, I'm off to stomp on some rumors and to head over to Miskatonic Acres for some Bedrest downtime and the 7th Sea game.

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Swords

Pushing Buttons

Yesterday was definitely a day for pushing buttons in both a good and bad way. On a good note, I received a couple of emails from people asking me to not stop doing plotlines for Bedrest. They were extremely complimentary. On the bad side, they were blaming my leaving on something that was not true. So, I had to set them straight and go warn the person the they were blaming it on of this impending backlash.

Then, I ended up in a conversation with several people about the way Bedrest is being run. On the good side, I found out that I'm not the only one with serious concerns. On the bad side, no one beyond me is willing to talk to DJ about what they feel. Not even an email. This frustrates the heck out of me because if you don't speak up about a problem, no one is going to know there is one. Sorry, mind reading is not par for the course.

I finished out the "Phantom" plotline for Bedrest with James, Laurel and Dave. Oh, it was beautiful. Exactly what I was hoping for. They reacted and acted better than I could have planned. So, Elizabeth is "saved" from Jonas and one of them is a bit less human than they were.

After the Bedrest downtime, Dave spoke to me and James about Aragon. Oh, I am going to have fun much!

Then, we moved on to Dave's most -awesome- 7th Sea game. Dave, in typical Dave style, entertained the lot of us and I admit, I really like the new characters that came into the game. A 7 foot tall warrior Valkyrie woman, a super creepy Fate Witch and an incredibly brash Rake. Add them to my Shape shifting Urssuran noblewoman and Alex's kick ass Swashbuckler and you have the makings of an incredibly fun and riotous game. Though, there were some terribly serious parts to the game, too.

And... I'm pretty sure that Dave doesn't realize it... but he took a sledge hammer to, not one, but three, of my fetishes. *shiver* In the middle of the major combat for the game, the house was set on fire. Everyone else ran out the back of the house to fight the bad guys as I yelled that I was going for the NPC woman upstairs. The woman was hysterical and I had to knock her out. As I was carrying her down the stairs and was realizing that the bar was about to explode, a BAD GUY™ teleported into the burning house at the bottom of the stairs, blocking my exit.

Now, this BAD GUY™ was all in black, carrying a very shiny silver blade and giving me the EVIL LOOK™. I'm really glad Dave had taken me aside. Otherwise, I -know- Johanna, who knows my fetishes, would have been grinning like a fool at me as I try to control my breathing.

You see, I have a real thing about kidnap fantasies, a real attraction to bright shiny blades and I swoon at the thought of devastatingly handsome wicked men. There was a tiny voice in the back of my head quietly begging. "Oh, please be here for me! Oh, please! Or both of us! Oh, please!" Where the role-playing Ussuran woman was glaring as she backpedaled up the stairs, thinking "You are in for one hell of fight, Mister!" I was half growling with an anticipation under my breath.

Then, Dave, in an unknowingly torturous manner, and unknowing to the rest of the group, left me glaring at this BAD GUY™ and went back to the rest of the combat, leaving me to quietly twitch in my seat as I watched the fight, wondering who the BAD GUY™ was, who he had come for and what would happen. Fortunately for the group, the BAD GUY™ had to stop his insidious plan towards me and go save his boss from a hucked sword at 50 paces.

The little voice in the back my head cursed softly and stomped back to her corner to ponder what had just occurred.

The drive home for me was unusually quick and easy as I mentally replayed the scene and fantasized on what could have happened... a possible kidnapping.... a bright shiny blade... and that wickedly handsome man.... *takes a slow breath as she bites her bottom lip* Oh... yeeeeaaaahhh. *Jenn goes off to La-La Land for a bit.*

If Dave does realize what he's done, I am in so screwed. (But in a deliciously evil and fun way.)

Tarot Card for the Day: The Wheel of Fortune, Reversed

Leisurely Day

I'm STILL thinking about that lucious handsome BAD GUY™ in Dave's 7th Sea game... the one in all black with the shiny blade and evil look. *growl* I think the only way it could have been ANY more into my fetishes if he if had actually spoken in that deep throaty, growly voice that makes me melt into a puddle of Jenn-goo. I think I really would have had to take a small break to cool down for a bit.

I just found out the BAD GUY™ that I've been drooling over is Tim Roth. *happy sigh* But, I can't seem to find the picture of him that Dave used. But here is a good one in case you are curious.

In other news, I wrote up next episode of Tales of the Iridium Rose. It's called: The Dark Tower - A trap is laid for a member of Star Chaser where unexpected events cause many people, on both sides of the Rebellion, to show their true colors.

It's a very good episode, IMNSHO.

I spent most of Sunday basically kicking back, relaxing, writing, reading.... you know, having a leisurely day. Isn't that how Sundays are supposed to be?

Tarot Card for the Day: Knight of Wands

Shanghaied Again

I had dinner with Brian and Trish last night. It was a lot of fun. We went out to China Chili and discussed a myriad of topics but it did mostly focus on gaming since Brian asked to talk to me about his plotlines.

Folks, that silver tongue devil did it to me again. We were talking and all of the sudden, my mouth opened and all these ideas came tumbling out. I tried to stop myself. I did. But, there I was... shanghaied into helping with another main plotline for a Bedlam's Rest game. Though, it is FIRMLY Brian's plotline. I'm just the set up crew and advisor. NO narration. (Aren't you proud of me?)

So. There we are. It should be a really good game. (I hope.)

Tarot Card for the Day: The Star

UberGeek

Nothing of interest to report, unless you want to see my latest ubergeeky project.

Well... I talk about them so much, I thought I'd give you a summary page.

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Swords, Reversed.

Grumpy Jenn

*grump*grump*grump* It was not a good day yesterday. First - and this always a bad sign - massive cramps. The kind that won't allow you to stretch or curl up. There's only one position that's vaguely comfortable and it's not condusive to walking, driving, typing or... oh... living.

Next, my tape player ate one of my most favorite driving tapes. It's one of my bardic tapes that does NOT have a CD equivalent. Fortunately, I think I can order another copy. I hope.

Then, came the usual morning check of new houses. I hate getting a number for a house and it's the wrong number or the number's for a business or it's been changed. That's what I hired the rental company to help me avoid. I may have to consider a different service for the house hunt... which means more money out the window... but I'm not getting the service I need. I'll give it one more week.

Also, there is a friend of mine who I think is avoiding me. That always upsets me. Especially when they say they want people to talk to them and tell them the truth but once you do, they don't want to talk to you anymore. I haven't got any communication from this person in weeks - no emails returned, no IMs returned, no calls. Nada. I've finally sent them the "Are you avoiding me?" message to see if I get a response to that.

So... it an effort to squish the grumps, I played my favorite music loud (I have headphones) and bopped along in my chair at work. Yes, I did get funny looks. But I think I'd rather get funny looks than be one big grump.

Well. It pays to stand your ground and find out what's wrong. Turns out, that person (mentioned above) wasn't avoiding me. It was just a combination of loss of AIM at work, lack of time and figuring all that needed to be said on certain subjects already had been said. They didn't think that by not responding that I'd think I was being avoided or ignored. So, I'm feeling better about the situation.

Tarot Card for the Day: Queen of Wands, Reversed

Madonna-Whore Complex

There's something I've been meaning to say ever since I put up my April 2 entry, "Pushing Buttons." I've received several emails from people admiring my openness and bravery of being so open about my thoughts on sex and fantasies. One woman asked me how I could be so open and not be thought of as a slut or as desperate.

The answer to that is: I can't. Among many of my friends, I retain an odd position of being both a Madonna and a Whore.

The Madonna side of me makes many of my friends want to protect me, especially when it comes to things I have not seen or experienced. Much of the time, I'm treated as naïve. To this day, I have only seen bits and pieces of "Clockwork Orange" because most of my friends won't let me watch it as they know I will be disturbed/grossed out/whatever.

The Whore side of me comes from my experience in BDSM, my willingness to discuss it, discuss sex and discuss fantasies with people who are willing to have an open, mature conversation. It also comes from my ability to write about sex, BDSM, fantasies and various other bits of erotica. For those who know of that side of me, I am knowledgeable and open. Sometimes, too open. I can make people uncomfortable. It also has the bad side effect of making some people assume either I'm a slut or I'm desperate.

That upsets me sometimes. Why is it a crime for a woman to express herself? Why is it wrong for a woman to say that she has sexual fantasies? Heated, passionate, kinky sexual fantasies? Why must a woman, who is willing to speak in an open manner about sex, be considered a slut or desperate?

Hello! Women have just as many sexual fantasies as men! And I will bet dollars to donuts, that women often have more blatant, erotic, kinky fantasies than men. Case in point - a male friend once asked me to describe a fantasy to him. He ended up blushing so hard that he made me stop... and I was barely through foreplay.

I would like to state for the record that yes, I am a sexy, sensual, passionate woman who enjoys talking about sex almost as much as having sex. However, this does not make me a whore. If I really wanted to get laid, I know I could, in a heartbeat. But, you know what? I'm willing to wait until to find someone I really want to be with. Until then, I will simply be content with my fantasies and taking "matters in hand."

That said, I feel better.

Hot Dog!!! "The SCI FI Channel has acquired exclusive rights to the Emmy Award-winning SF series Babylon 5, the cable network announced Monday, April 3. The series will premiere on SCI FI beginning Sept. 25 and will air Monday through Friday at 7 p.m. ET." (Article.) I'd better buy a new VCR that I can preprogram to tape B5!

Tarot Card for the Day: Seven of Wands

Certifiably Insane

I think it's official. I have become certifiably insane. I have, in the past two days, gone from just looking for a house to rent to seriously pondering buying a house. Yes. That's right. I said, "Buy." ... A house. In Silicon Valley. All by myself.

Is there any wonder that I'm feeling insane, that my internal miser is screaming in panic and I occasionally find myself a little short of breath just thinking about the issue? [I think I actually had a small panic attack at one point.]

On top of it, Johanna had the gall to tell me that maybe, just maybe... I was growing up.

Oh God, not that, too!!

I don't have the faintest clue on what to do or how to get a mortgage or where to start.

Though... now, I'm pondering buying the house I'm living in right now. Donna has mentioned me buying it from time to time. Granted, there is a lot of work that would need to be done on the house, first... and I probably would have to get a housemate. But, in a five bedroom house, I really don't think that would be too much of a problem.

But, it would also mean that I would have to move out for a couple of months while all of the fixes were made. That would be annoying but livable.

Of course, right after I decided this, I was finally able to see a 3 bedroom house. I can't say if I'm happy that I was disappointed in it or not. I guess I really will go through with the "looking for a house/mortgage" thing.

Ended up at Johanna's place last night because the household still had not seen Sixth Sense.... and amazingly enough... no one had ruined it for them! So, I decided that I must correct this situation... by bringing over my brand new DVD of it to watch. *grin*

The movie went over very well and afterwards, we did a little bit of socializing. I have to say, I love my friends dearly but there are times when they truly frighten me. I will never look at the Tooth Fairy the same, ever again. (Trust me... you -really- don't want to know.)

Tarot Card for the Day: 9 of Cups, Reversed

Accents

It was a lovely day - just kicking back and reading. I finished "Spin Doc" by Steve Perry and am pondering if I should go on to the third Thrawn book by Zahn or if I should start "Future Shock" by Toffler. We'll see which book actually gets picked up when I sit down to read again.

I did create my new character for Bedlam's Rest. A baby Gangrel named Taylor Christensen. She's a zookeeper for the Oakland Zoo and is extremely feisty. I think my favor quote from her so far is, "I'm not about to give up my life, just because I'm dead!" DJ liked the concept and added a couple of interesting things that I had orginally thought of but then nixed. Cool!

I've also been vaguely working on my character concept for Aragon. I know her basic background but now that she's been approved, I have to really write up her history. Where she's been, what status, what contact, etc... and why. I've been reading her clan book again and I've hit on something that I'm going to throw at the GMs. Either they will approve it and giggle manically - planning to make my character's (un)life "interesting" or they will nix it. It's hard to tell with this group of GMs. Mostly because my idea isn't outlandish or twinkish. Just... interesting.

Oh yeah. This character, Kayley, has spent her entire life in Europe. Mostly in the Scotland, Ireland and England areas. So, I'm actually going to attempt a slight accent for her. Nothing too heavy... and hopefully, nothing so bad that Johanna will want to shoot me. I've been practicing a little but what I really need to do is it listen to a female with a strong accent for a while, repeating her words back to her. *hrmmmm* I think I need to watch Elizabeth again.

There was one time, back in my college days, when I went to NorWesCon. My character for that 5 day convention had an accent. I managed that one so well that people assumed I was from England. No one actually thought it was a fake accent. By the end of the third day, I couldn't not do the accent. That was a lot of fun.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hermit, Reversed

There Can Be Only One!

*sob* Seems that I don't count anymore. There is another Jennifer in the CA Journaling community and more and more often, I am asked if I am she. When I explain that I'm not, these people want nothing to do with me. *sniffle* *sob* What does Jenn Wade have that I don't? *pout* I'm a journaler, too. I write a lot. Um. I'm worthy! Really I am. I don't want to be known "The Other Jennifer." God, it has the makings of a bad Movie of the Week show written all over it.

Tired of being mistaken for someone else and then ignored, Jennifer seeks out her counter part in the Journaling community in order to figure out the attraction to this other woman. Then, she creates an insidious plan to ensure that she is the only "Jennifer" that people want to know.... *evil laughter*

(Note: Tongue in cheek here, folks. I'm sure Jennifer Wade is a lovely person. I've just been mistaken for her 3 times in the last week. I keep having to point people to her site.... which reminds me... I probably should invite her into the SFBAJ.)

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Swords, Reversed

Reality Strikes Back

Well, it only took 10 weeks of stalling to save up a cushion, some $$ to a rental agency, 4 weeks of actually looking and a 20 minute frank conversation with a bluntly honest mortgage agent. Reality has slapped me around enough. I'm throwing in the towel. I'm not moving out. I'm not buying a house. I just can't afford it on my salary alone.

The kicker is the 10-20% down payment most places require you to have before you buy a house. In the Bay Area, that's a -minimum- of $20,000-$40,000. Most people don't have that. So, they get a loan to cover it. Now. I can afford a house payment. I can afford a loan payment. I cannot afford them both at the same time. It's as simple as that.

I sat down and looked at my situation and why I wanted to move. Ain't nothing like a little Reality to put things into perceptive. Ok, the parking situation isn't fun but, all I have to do is ask Scott to make sure I have a spot to park in. Ok, I can't have a pet. Well, I'm not really home enough for the moment to give it the attention it would need and deserve. Ok, I'll just kick Scott out of the living room when I want to exercise. Really, I've been making mountains out of mole hills. It happens.

And as for the room situation... Spring cleaning is coming and I'm going to switch the two rooms. I really mean it this time. It is Time. I've started making arrangements.

Heck. Now that I'm not moving... I think I will indulge in a little "home improvement" to make my space happier - a new desk and chair, a new DVD player, maybe a digital camera... Oh, yeah. And get my car tuned up. I have the savings account to back up my indulgences now.

Also, it seems my wanting to move put a lot of stress on Donna. When I told her that she was stuck with me, she almost broke down into tears and hugged me tightly, saying she was sorry it didn't work out the way I wanted but she was REALLY glad I was staying. She loves me. She loves my friends. She swears that when I do actually move out, she's never going to get another housemate again because I've spoiled her so. *smile* She's good for the ego. That's for sure.

Snippet of Life overheard at the office.

IT guy1: You know, that hand lotion they have in the bathroom is really pretty good.

IT guy2: Hey, guys aren't supposed talk about hand lotion.

IT guy1: Oh.

IT guy2: But yeah, it is good. My hands are softer and it smells nice.

IT guy1: Shhh!

(I pondered walking over there and threatening to revoke their "guy" licenses... but I figured that would start something that I didn't want to finish. So, it will be our little secret.)

Tarot Card for the Day: The Sun

Interludes & Plans

She stood in the doorway, almost transfixed. He was the last person she had expected to be at her door at this time of night... or ever. She could not take her eyes off of him, his dark classic cut suit; his coppery red hair, neatly trimmed; and those eyes. Those intense dark green eyes.

"You're awake. Good." He said without preamble as he stepped into her house, causing her to move back.

She nodded as she found her voice at last. "Why are you here?" She asked.

He took another step towards her. "You know why." With a smooth motion, he reached out and entangled his fingers into her hair, holding her in a tight, controlling grip.

She gasped in surprise, heart fluttering like a captured bird. She put her hands up against his body to ward him off but did not push him away, even though her voice was sharp. "What are you doing?! Stop!"

He pulled her tighter to him, pushing his leg between her thighs as he arched her head back. "Do you really want me to?" His voice was like warm, dark honey.

She closed her eyes; shaken, confused and wanting.

"Do you really want me to let go? I don't think so. Even as you try to push me away, you pull me closer."

She shuddered as his warm hand caressed over her breast, finding the hard, excited nipple.

"Your breath is fast. Your knees are weak. You have imagined me holding you like this for a long time. Now, fantasy has become reality." He leaned closer still, the breath of his words tickling her throat where she imagines he might kiss her. "I feel your heat... that trembling wet warmth against my thigh. Your whole body cries out.... 'Take me!'"

A soft whimper escapes her lips. A half hearted denial.

"Tell me... isn't that what you want? Tell me!" His harsh whisper lances through her quaking body, demanding a response.

"Yes..." She whispered. "Yes, it is."

"Good. Make sure you note that as an action item. Next on the agenda, we have the test report for..."

She blinked and looked around. She was in her Wednesday morning meeting. Glancing at the clock as she wondered what she missed, she saw that it was only 9:25am. She sighed softy as she squirmed in her seat, thinking that it was going to be a very long day.

Well. I contacted James about contracting him to help me fix up my house. He suggested that I also contract Dave, too. Well... that sounded like a decent idea. So, I called Dave to see if he was interested. He was. So, now... I have way too much to do.

First, I have to get the two rooms clean enough for the guys to come in and move the heavy stuff out. That will involve a lot of cleaning, throwing things out and the judicious packing away of some of my more *ahem* intimate stuff. Otherwise, those two guys are going to know -way- too much about me... more than any man, that I'm not sleeping with, should.

Then, I have to get a list of supplies that they will need to spackle and paint and stuff... then go buy it. Preferably with one of them in tow as I'm also going to buy a new book shelf and a new desk and probably a new chair at the same time.

After that, pick the day, have them come over before work, answer any questions and let them move the heavy stuff, clean the floor and walls and then paint the first room. There will be a 1-2 day break as the paint dries. That's when the real fun begins... turning the bedroom into the den, putting together the bookshelf, the desk and moving everything over... including the phone line and cable line.

I must trust them an awful lot... I'm going to let them take apart my computer and put him back together.

You know... I'll bet, after everything is out of the den and after its painted, the rug is going to need to be steam cleaned. There is 3 years worth of dirt and stuff in that carpet.

Finally, putting together the bed again and stuff in the closets.

It can't be THAT hard... can it?

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Pentacles, Reversed

Rear Ended

Darn it. It happened. I got rear-ended this morning. It's always a risk in the Bay Area commute. This one came from no where. I was sitting in traffic on the way to the Dumbarton bridge toll plaza, pondering my breakfast problem (discussed later), when *BAM* I'm hit from behind. My body snapped forward and back hard. It stunned me for a moment. I couldn't think of what to do. Finally, the woman who hit me and I moved to the side of the road. I was shaking badly and my spine from the bottom of my head to the middle of my shoulder blades was tingling.

I got out of the car, expecting to see the worst and was happily surprised to see that my bumper had survived unscathed. That's a happy thing. She was very contrite, apologizing profusely. She asked if I was Ok. I told her the truth - that I had been jarred pretty hard. Even though there was no damage, I asked for the woman's insurance anyway, knowing that if there was something wrong with me or my car, I should have that information.

I watched her dig through her car, looking for her insurance information. Me? I always have my card handy. Five minutes later, she emerged with a business card and her license, explaining that she was already late for a meeting and could I call her for insurance information? She gave me the card and I wrote down the driver's license number (after making sure the name on the card and the name on the license matched). I'm supposed to call her tomorrow. If I can't wait until then, I have her cell phone number.

I spent the next 35 minutes driving to work with my body freaking out on me. I'm hoping it's just psychosomatic, but from the middle of my back to the middle of my head is sore. My jaw tightens for no reason, my neck is sore, spots of pain blossom in my shoulder, neck and head - then go away after 30-60 seconds and my spine feels weird. Tingly, like it's waking up from being numb.

Luckily, as it is Thursday, we have our corporate masseur in. I've set an appoint with her. Hopefully, I'm just tense from the shock of the accident. If she can't help me - off I go to the doctor's office. For now, Advil is my friend.

My breakfast problem. I have this problem. I've gotten back into the habit of eating breakfast. It's supposed to be the most important meal of the day. Only, I don't really have time to make, sit and eat breakfast. Not with an hour commute every morning. So, I have to eat on the run. But, I have a problem in the morning with heartburn/acidburn. I can't eat fruit. I get acidburn. I can't eat those convenient breakfast bars... acidburn. Except for the Carnation Breakfast Bars that I really like but they don't make them anymore. Liquid breakfast isn't satisfying. About the only thing that is good and satisfying is protein and bread. With usually leads me to a fast food place in the morning... A habit I want to break.

*hmmm* I'm going to have to look into pre-sliced bagels I can toast and do the luncheon meat thing. All of which means I have to get back into the habit of grocery shopping. *sigh*

Talked with the corporate masseur. She doesn't think I'm injured. Just that my body's in shock. She's given me some advice on how to relax my back but told me if I'm still in pain in a day or two, I definitely should go see the doctor. And, my boss let me head home a little early to beat the traffic and relax. That was nice of him.

Oh, yes. I found out what it was that I volunteered for while I was in erotica-land at that meeting yesterday. It was to study the e-Commerce problem and come up with a test spec and test cases to really put it through its paces. That's no problem. I like doing that. I'm good at it.

Tarot Card for the Day: Four of Pentacles

Being In Character

I'm still sore today. It's not that bad. Just annoying. I have one week to make a claim. If I'm still feeling bad this weekend or it gets any worse, I'll go see a doctor and call my insurance agent.

I've just started a small collaborative effort on Tales of the Iridium Rose. It's going to be a drunken bonding moment between Yahnna and Duvessa, shortly after they escape the clutches of the Empire in The Dark Tower. Johanna and I are having a blast writing on it. It's going to be an interlude piece like "Perceptions of Duty" was, between Duvessa and Travers. Maybe I'll get it done this weekend. No promises.

Of course, by then, I'll have the next episode of ToIR to write up from tonight's game. It is promising to be one hell of a kicker for my character. *hehehe* Can't wait!

I've started working on a character page for my Aragon character, Kayley Allard. There's not much there. Mostly just place holders but you can see what it is going to look like eventually. I really like it because it's not a "I'm SO Gothic, I'm dead AND a VAMPYRE *BWAHAHAHA*" site. It's clean and classic... like the character.

DAMN. Alex did it to us again. He really ran us through the wringer on tonight's Tales of the Iridium Rose game. First, it was an extremely emotional night for Duvessa because Val, in a Jedi like manner, chewed her a new one for going to save him and the crew of the Rose instead of running for cover. Then, Alex completely surprised me/us with his latest weird twist of fate end of the game. Let's just say.... "We're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy."

One thing that put an interesting spin on the evening was when Val was chewing on Duvessa for screwing up. I had already thought about the possibility of this happening and figured out Duvessa's reaction - which was to be utterly devastated. So, as I was in character, I reacted as such... which meant tears... which meant that EricL and Bob got a mite bit upset/concerned/worried. Especially Eric. He's pretting caring that way.

What he didn't understand at the time (but I've explained it to him now), is that when I roleplay, I really try to get into the character and become the character. I think it's called Method Acting. Me, Jenn, the player was fine. Duvessa, the character, was a wreck. They both asked me several times if I was OK. I assured them that I was.

This is something I do all the time. Especially when I write. I try to write each character from their point of view and emotional state. It is not unusual for me to be pounding furiously at the keyboard, muttering angry words under my breath when writing a particularly tense scene or for me to be sobbing my eyes out at a particularly sad/emotional scene. That's just the way I am. I am in character and I feel as they do.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Wands

Writing Binge

I had a number of funky dreams last night. Among the ones I didn't write up for my journal included me being in a (Star Wars) Rebel Cell that I was so disgusted with, that I defected from the Rebellion and started working for Admiral Zaraiath.

The dream I did remember enough of to write up was so filled with turncoats and twists that I'm surprised that I actually was able to figure it out enough to write it up. It's called: The One - While investigating the murder of one social lite and the kidnapping of another, I discover that things aren't as they seem and no one can be trusted.

Then, I spent a couple of hours writing of the rough draft of the Tales of the Iridium Rose collaboration between me and Johanna. So far, I'm calling it, "A Drunken Conversation." I hope Johanna can think of a better name for it. I hope I can post it tomorrow. I would like to post it before I post "Fast Forward."

"Fast Forward" is the write up for last night's Tales of the Iridium Rose game. I'm only about half way through it so far but I'm having a blast writing it up.

Had quite the amusing Concordia game, too. It seems that Cathena has a new admirer... the Tarzan equivalent in the Hollow Earth. Figures that it would be my character. Mercy would have shot him and Firefly would have blown him up - assuming Bishop didn't get to him first. It was a good, fun game. Much silliness.

Tarot Card for the Day: Ace of Swords

A Moment of Epiphany

Sunday... Man, I slept late today. I know I shouldn't have. I didn't get to bed that late last night. But it felt so decadently good. *mmmmm* Sundays are good days to sleep in.

I got back "Intoxicated Interlude" (Formerly known as "A Drunken Conversation.") from Johanna. That woman is an excellent Editor! When I sent it off to her for editing, I had been completely dissatisfied, thinking that it was a piece of bunk that no one would be interested in. Very flat and monotone.

When I got it back, it was so much better! It flowed from one section to another without the choppy breaks. It packed a lot more of a punch on the emotional scale and just read better. I was able to put my last polish on it with almost no effort - but really, Johanna's the one that made this piece shine. I'm so much happier with it!

I had a moment of epiphany today. It's a little hard to explain. I was writing on "Fast Forward" and, as usual, I stopped to read my work aloud - just to hear the flow of the words. To see if it made sense. As I reread one section, I realized that I was writing about myself. Not instead of the character, but it just happened that what the character had gone through, and thus realized, was also true for me.

The passage I am speaking of is: "It made me think about what I've been doing. Ever since I left home, I've been looking for a surrogate father. Someone who would be there to praise me when I did good or scold me when I did bad. Someone to lean on when I didn't feel strong enough. I've been continuously looking for my own... self worth... through the words of someone else."

It's true. Up until recently, I think... I have always depends on the words - praises and rebukes - of others to determine my own self worth. I want people to like me. Until recently, almost desperately so. What people thought of me was so very important.

I think the change came when I found those letters from my father. The ones that made me cringe. The ones that reminded me of a childhood I didn't want to remember and the father I could not do enough to please. However, those letters also showed me just how much my father had change - for the better. Both of my parents have now admitted to me that they believe in me and are proud of me, my life and what I've done with it.

Somehow, that broke the crutch I have been leaning on all my life. Yes, I still do look for praise from others but not like I did before. I feel like I'm standing stronger. Much stronger. On my own two feet. Much more in control. I do nice things for people now, as always... but not because I am seeking their approval. I do it simply because I want to. It's just the way I am.

It was strange and wonder moment of illumination. One that surprised and pleased me. Such moments are rare and I savor every one.

Tarot Card for the Day: Knight of Swords

Not Much

Just work and I finished, "Fast Forward" from Tales of the Iridium Rose. It's a long one. About 3300 words.

Oh yeah. I discovered that Ice Castle was published in Woven Worlds, Issue 3. Pretty cool.

Tarot Card for the Day: King of Cups

Leave a Frickin' Can Opener Next Time!

It was a choice of: good dress, good shoes, hurt feet or good dress, crappy shoes, happy feet. Guess which one won. Hurting feet make for a crabby, in-pain Jenn, which makes for a bad day. So, I wore the nice dress with the beat up shoes and am quite comfy now.

Man. I need to do laundry in the worse way.

I just realized that I am: running the College game this week - haven't written up the notes; running my Star Wars game on Saturday - haven't written up the notes; and am supposed to be getting my two rooms ready for the massive move/painting thing starting next Monday - haven't even started.

I have a feeling life is going to get a bit crowded very soon.

Good thing: Started writing the "Dear Jane" letters for Kayley. Though, I suppose I should be using my time to write up either the game notes or working on my rooms. Nah... too logical.

To the person who parked 8 frickin' inches from my driver side doorway and forced me to crawl into my car from the passenger side while wearing my long velvet dress: NEXT TIME, LEAVE ME A FRICKIN' CAN OPENER, ASSHOLE!

*ahem* I feel a little bit better now.

Tarot Card for the Day: Two of Swords

Odd Experience

Dream snippet: I was in a cyber café that was set up like a classroom. The place was packed with all sorts of people - young, old... I could hear the murmurings of all the people around me. If I tried, I could listen in on the conversations but I didn't want to do that.

I was looking at my computer when 'my' phone rang. Each computer had a phone. I picked it up. The voice on the other end of the line sounded a little bit like Keannu Reeves voice from The Matrix. Before I could say "Hello." the voice began to speak. "There is no need to answer me. I have been watching you ever since you came in." I looked around for him. "You will not be able to see me. I am not here. I just wanted to let you know that ever since I first saw you, I have known there is a connection between us. This time, I'm not going to let you fade away. I will follow up on the connection this time." Then, he hung up.

I looked around the cyber café as I woke up. My last thought before waking fully was that this cyber café was my mind's representation of what telepathy was like.

OK. I did something I probably shouldn't have. This is such a WEIRD situation for me. Back over 6 months ago when I had my second interview with the HR lady here at my company, I mentioned that I could read Tarot cards. I also mentioned that I read body language pretty well. As an example, I dissected the CEO based on the 10 minute interview I had with him, listening to his words and watching his body language. I was dead on. The HR lady was really impressed. To the point she thought I had some sort of ESP. I assured her it wasn't ESP. Just observation and empathy. She later asked if I would do a Tarot reading for her. I threw out an offhand, not serious, "Sure! Why not!"

(Yes, I'm sure you can see where this is leading.)

Since then, she occasionally would ask me about the Tarot reading. I would put her off, not having my cards with me and feeling a little strange about giving a co-worker a reading. 90% of the time, I am uncannily accurate. To the point of scaring friends sometimes. Johanna can attest to that.

Well, you know me, I hate disappointing people. Two weeks ago, I ended up giving her a reading. It was about her love life and what was happening. Interesting situation, really. Apparently, parts of the reading were... as expected... uncannily accurate. Now, the HR lady gets really twitchy around me. She wants another reading - which I'm still debating about doing - but she seems vaguely uncomfortable in my presence.

I finally asked her about it in a teasing manner. She joked nervously, saying, "Maybe it's because I think you are a mind reader." Oh, dear. As much as I wish that was true, I had to nip that one in the bud immediately. I reminded her about reading body language and such... but I could she really didn't believe me. Finally, I said, "Let's put it this way... if I was a mind reader, would I be working here?" *Bing* The light came on in her eyes and she grinned. "Oh, yeah. You have a great point. Now I feel a lot more relaxed about things."

That made me happier. I don't need a twitchy HR lady who thinks I can read minds. Granted, if I really was telepathic (which I'm not... not that I would confess that here, in any case), having a normal 9-5 job would be the perfect camouflage.

Still, over all, it was an interesting learning experience on how people would react towards someone they thought had ESP.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Pentacles, Reversed

Snippet of life:

Jenn: She has some private goals, too.

Dave: as in?

Jenn: Stuff.

Jenn: :)

Dave: By the powers vested in me by the state of California Gaming committee...I am enacting the "rights of the Storyteller" to make you fess up

Jenn: You serious?

Jenn: If you are, I will. If you aren't... this girl will keep her secrets.

Dave: heeheehee

Jenn: :)

Jenn: Ya ALMOST got me.

(I just thought that "by the powers..." line Dave gave me was really amusing.)

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Cups, Reversed

Catalyst

A lot has happened. I have become a catalyst in someone's life yet again. However, in the interest of not airing dirty laundry that will massively affect some people who read my journal, I can't talk about it. I'm sorry. Maybe in the future.

KT had a dream about a Live Action Cthulu game that was real - featuring me and Johanna! After reading it, I'm still not sure if I was a bad guy, a victim or both. Still, it was a very intriguing dream made even more so because I was in it! How cool is that?!

Great 7th Sea game tonight! Katerina caught the eye of Le Emperor and her 'cousin' Ian (Alex) was told to bring her to to his chambers that evening for his pleasure - much to the dismay and anger of Katerina, Ian, her betrothed, Petrice (Dave), and the rest of the gang (Johanna, Laurel and James). It was hairy, scarey and a bit bloody... But in the end, everyone escaped. Though, we did meet some terribly interesting (and handsome) fellows along the way. [Sting from "The Bride" - YUM.]

Tarot Card for the Day: Page of Wands

NADA

Mutt & Jeff

OK. So, I brought it on myself. I knew it would happen. I spend the whole morning attacking the bedroom. Screw. I have LOT of stuff. And, three years worth of dust is a LOT. What a mess. I would work for a while, then have to rest for a bit, then wade back into the fray - hoping I'd get most of it done before the guys arrived.

Oh, yeah. I am going to live to regret hiring Dave and James to do my contract work. JUST KIDDING! [Joke Sign!] [Joke Sign!] The two of them came over around 2pm to talk about the work and go get the tools. They were both in great moods and feeding of each other's joking. It was like watch a schizophrenic "Mutt & Jeff" pair that kept switch parts.

The first trip was to Orchard Supply to get all the painting stuff. That was a blast and a half. It is a dangerous thing taking these two into the heavy tools section. I think I learned more about those two than I ever wanted to know. The second trip was to Mall... that was closed, darnnit! Looks like we'll be picking up my desk, bookshelf and chair tomorrow night.

So, I took the guys out to Applebee's for a late lunch... One of them... the one with a blood sugar problem had not eaten yet. And no... a Pepsi does NOT count as food. We spent the next, I guess, hour or so, eating, drinking and being merry. It was a good time.

After that, came back, finished up the questions and such... and they were on their way, leaving me to finish up the last bit of cleaning in my bedroom....

Don't even ask me about the den.

Man, I'm tired.

Tarot Card for the Day: The Tower, Reversed

I've Been Reviewed?

Here are some of the strange things I've found through checking out my referrals on SiteMeter.

Someone found my Elizabeth page by looking for "Elizabeth Bannister." Does EB really exist?

Someone found my poetry page by looking for "Duct tape Haiku"

Someone found the Diablo's Children page by looking for "Dead Children" (Like *ew*).

I've been "reviewed" on hotrate.com. It's a "Neutral" review:
"1.Neutral opinion for Overall impression. The fantasy artwork on the index would make you think that this is going to be a tedious site -- surprisingly, it's not. There's a tarot card at the end of every entry, her style is very relaxed and friendly, too. - Submitted by Peony_Blue on 4/14/00 9:23:15 AM"

Now... I'm not sure who Peony_Blue is. I'm not sure why I had the honor of being reviewed. At this point... I'm not sure how I feel about being rated on my journal. I mean... it's a journal. Yes, it is in a public venue - and thus, is open to criticism. But this was unexpected and, it's not like I asked to be reviewed. Part of me is like "Ok, whatever." Part of me is "Hey, I got reviewed!" I suppose it could have been worse. I could have received a "Negative" review.

Though, the comment about the fantasy artwork has me jumpy and wanting to change the site again. However, I've sat on my impulses in a major way. I have got to stop worrying about what other people think of me so much. Besides... I -like- the graphics I have on my journal index page!

The guys are doing a very good job on the house so far. The new den needs a second coat of paint, though. I don't think that will slip the timeline too much - if at all. I didn't go get my furniture today because the guys were done at 2:30. They'll be back tomorrow around 3pm to do the second coat on the bedroom, then wait for me so they can help me get my furniture for the den.

I attacked the (old) den. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I got half of it done. The first half took forever because I had to clean out the desk. The second half looks worse than the first because it is all boxes and looks like a lot. I really don't think it will take me more than an hour or so to finish it up. I've decided to wait on the closet for the moment.

So far, so good. I'm pretty happy all in all.

Tarot Card for the Day: Nine of Cups, Reversed

Branding

Ok... so, I didn't quite think this one through. But, I'll survive. Currently, I can't find my alarm clock, my hair stuff, my make up stuff or anything else of that nature. They are all -somewhere- in the exercise room. A room that is packed to the gills. No worries. I told myself that I would wake up at 6:30 this morning and I woke up at 6:21. How's that for timing?

Also, I realized that in my mind's eye image of what the new den/living space was going to look like, I totally forgot that I would need a vanity area. This has causes some hastily redrawn mental images. The over all result? I have to buy a small table to act either as a vanity area or as an entertainment 'unit.' Not that big of a deal.

So, tonight, the goal is to buy the desk, chair, chair mat, bookshelf and small table. I should be able to get all of that at Target... I hope. Thank goodness James has a truck.

Occassionally, in my job, I get to something really fun. Usually it's some oddball task that is somehow related to the testing of a product. Today, da boss asked me to create two sets of "branding" gifs. For those of you who don't know, this is a really hot issue about creating a client look that will associate certain images with a product. One of the things my company does is allow client branding within the product.

Oh, boy! So, now, I've branded two centers in my own 'brands' - Vampire with Elizabeth and Star Wars with Tales of the Iridium Rose. *grin* Surprised my boss. He told me that he figured I'd do something in King Arthur - my cube is decorated in a mideval rennassiance theme. But, he likes them just the same... I think. *shrug* Or he thinks I'm even more weird than what he first thought.

Well, there's beeen a little bit of a set back in the whole new furniture thing. Mostly because Target had NOTHING that I wanted except one thing - and they were out of stock in that. *sigh* So, James and Dave will be taking me out to the Ikea store out in Emeryville. Maybe this weekend.

But it won't stop the work in the house. Just make it so that it takes a little longer to get everything just right. No problem. If there weren't drawbacks, there wouldn't be stories.

Buffy moment... *Damn* Giles was incredibly sexy! I wonder if that was actually him singing. *whew* That's a image for the fantasy file.

Tarot Card for the Day: Knight of Swords, Reversed

Huzzah!

I think I have accidentally discovered the trick to all movies and books. It came from an offhand comment I tossed out at Rich in email today. The comment was: "You know... if things didn't go wrong, we wouldn't have any stories to tell."

*Huzzah!* That is the crux of all stories and movies. Something goes wrong and people have to fix it. Yes, it's a very simplified statement for a very complex concept. But, it's true! Think about it. In every story, there is a problem of some sort. The entertainment value of the story is how the person solves the problem... or doesn't solve the problem.

And to think, I was just attempting to keep my humor about the moving situation. I love small epiphanies like that.

Another small epiphany... one that I'm sure many of you educated and just plain observant folk out there already knew... came when I consciously realized where the phrase "Bigwigs" came from as slang for "the big bosses."

It was strange. Someone in the office commented that "the bigwigs" were out in force today... and suddenly, the image of an English judge in his big white wig popped into mind. Then, the image of John Cleese, in "A Fish Called Wanda," in his little wig, popped into mind. Then, the judge popped into mind again looking very stern. And suddenly, it was... "Oh! The big wigs the judges wore! I get it now! Slang... like 'Gov'ner.' Cool."

Oh, man. *rueful sigh* I just got offered a job opportunity located in Fremont! *argh* Where was this offer 6 months ago? I would have given my eye teeth for something like that. Fremont! The commute would be nothing! *argh* I have been receiving regular job offers at least 1-2 times a week for a while now. This is the first one that has made me stop and think. I actually felt regret as I turned it down.

Am I stupid or crazy or both? Giving up the opportunity to work in the same town that I live in? At another Pre-IPO company? *sigh* I don't think so. I hope not. I like my current job. I'm paid well. I like the people. It's a good job. I've been here just over 6 months now. I don't want to job hop. I believe in our product. *mrph*

Ah, well. I've kept the email for 'just in case' purposes.

The house is starting to shape up. There were some problems but the guys prevailed much to my pleasure. Dave tells me that they should be all done as of Friday afternoon. I am so happy to hear that. As comfy as that couch is, I miss my bed.

Also, I miss my privacy. Scott is currently having a large party in the kitchen - right next to the fireplace room and the couch that I've been sleeping on. Thus, I have no choice but to stay in my den and wait until they are gone or I get tired of waiting and ask Scott to either wrap it up or move the party to the living room.

*sigh* I sense another lesson/test in patience.

Tarot Card for the Day: Three of Swords, Reversed

ABBA and Bocce

It was a good, easy day today. There was an "engineering offsite" for all of us to go play Bocce at Campo Di Bocce in Los Gatos. I'm not going to explain the rules or anything like that. It would take to long. Suffice it to say that it is a cross between putting, bowling and horse shoes. (If that don't make you go look it up, I don't know what will.) I played only one game but my team won. It's a fun, low impact sport.

What made the trip even more interesting, was riding with all my Russian co-workers to and from the place. The driver is a very nice man but is a scarey driver. I thought the rest were just teasing him. Well... yes. They were teasing. However, they weren't joking about his crazy driving. And, to top it all off... he put ABBA on the stereo. What a strange sensation that was! I grew up on ABBA - so, it's usually very comforting. But, with his driving - oy!

Ah, yes. Nothing like learning a brand new game or speeding down the freeway at 80mph with a bunch Russians singing "Dancing Queen."

Tarot Card for the Day: The Hermit, Reversed

NADA

The Phone Guy & the Wimp

Well, I managed to find my alarm clock. The guys had hidden... er... stashed it in one of the clothing bags. It was so nice to sleep in my bed again. Amazingly enough, the phone guy arrived at 9am to fix my phone jack. Even more amazing, he was nice, outgoing, funny... and darned cute! *whew* That's one for the fantasy file. I have to admit, I really pondered asking him for his number. But, *sigh* I chickened out. I am such a wimp at times.

I wrote up a couple more "Dear Jane" letters for my Aragon character, Kayley. Just more snippets of her character and insight into the Chantry, her chantry mates and the area:

Tarot Card for the Day: Six of Cups, Reversed

Nada.